- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
YOU'RE WELCOME IN MY HOME,
UNLESS YOU SIT IN MY CHAIR TOUCH MY REMOTE,
OR ARE MARRIED TO ME.
- FRANK, THAT'S HOW YOU TALK AFTER CHURCH?
- YEAH, MY PRAYERS WEREN'T ANSWERED.
[door closes] - NEXT TIME PRAY FOR HAIR.
- WELL, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO BOTH OF YOU,
BUT GOD STOPPED LISTENING TO YOU GUYS A LONG TIME AGO.
- WHAT'S FOR BRUNCH, MARIE? - HAM.
- EXCELLENT, I SHALL PUT ON MY HAM PANTS.
- WE'RE GOING OUTSIDE.
- OKAY, BUT STAY OUT OF THE MUD!
I DON'T WANT YOU GETTING YOUR NICE CLOTHES ALL--
- YOU WANT SOME HELP IN THE KITCHEN, MARIE?
- OH, THANK YOU, AMY.
- YEAH, I'LL HELP TOO. - OH...OKAY.
- DON'T LEAN TOO FAR INTO THE OVEN, LADY.
- SO FATHER HUBLEY HAD A WONDERFUL SERMON TODAY,
DON'T YOU THINK?
- YEAH, YEAH.
THE OLD GUY CAN STILL BRING THE HEAT.
- LIAR, I SAW YOU SLEEPING THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.
- NO, NO, NO. I HEARD IT.
- YEAH? OKAY, WHAT WAS IT ABOUT?
- IT WAS ABOUT THE SINS OF...
STICKING YOUR BIG UGLY FACE
IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.
[doorbell rings]
- HAVE FUN IN HELL, RAYMOND. - YEAH.
YOU'LL BE BARTENDING THERE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- I'LL BE BARTENDING UPSTAIRS.
DAMN IT!
- GOOD MORNING. DOES FRANK BARONE LIVE HERE?
- WHAT DID HE DO?
- NOTHING, NOTHING. I'M JUST AN OLD FRIEND.
- FRIEND?
- ARE--ARE YOU HIS FAMILY?
- WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
- YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, HE'S OUR FATHER.
I'M RAY. THIS IS ROBERT.
- WELL, MY NAME'S SAM GILULA.
I HAVEN'T SEEN MR. BARONE IN ABOUT 25 YEARS.
HE'S A GREAT MAN, YOUR FATHER.
- DID YOU SAY FRANK BARONE?
- YEAH, WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I USED TO WORK AFTER SCHOOL
AT THE SAME COMPANY AS YOUR FATHER.
HE WAS A REAL MENTOR TO ME.
- MENTOR?
- YOU SURE YOU DON'T MEAN "TOR-MENTOR"?
- DAMN IT, MARIE.
THE ELASTIC IS COMPLETELY SHOT ON THESE PANTS.
- MR. BARONE? - WHO ARE YOU?
[door shuts] - SAM GILULA!
"SAMMY BOY" FROM PELK ACCOUNTING?
- OH, MY GOD! SAMMY.
AREN'T YOU A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES?
- IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MR. BARONE.
- HOW ABOUT THIS KID, HUH?
"MR. BARONE" HE CALLS ME.
YOU TWO NEVER CALLED ME THAT.
SO, SAMMY BOY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
- WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M FINALLY GOING INTO BUSINESS FOR MYSELF,
OPENING UP MY OWN OFFICE SUPPLY STORE
RIGHT HERE IN LYNBROOK.
MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN THE SIGNS.
"THE OFFICE SUPPLY BIN-- BIN THERE, BOUGHT THAT."
- YEAH.
YEAH, I-I KNOW THAT SIGN.
IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO THE BILLBOARD
WITH THE BIKINI LADY RIDING THE BEEPER.
- YEAH.
SO ANYWAY, SINCE I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
I JUST WANTED TO COME BY
AND THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO ME
ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.
I OWE A LOT TO YOU.
- UH, DON'T MENTION IT, KID.
YOU LIKE HAM?
COME ON, STRAP ON A FEED BAG.
- THANKS, BUT NO, I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE STORE.
WE OPEN IN A WEEK, AND I GOT A TON TO DO.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME
IF YOU'D COME BY AND SEE THE PLACE SOMETIME.
- WELL, YEAH. WELL, HOW ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
- REALLY?
- DAD, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO SIT DOWN TO EAT.
- HEY, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL GO PUT ON A NICER SHIRT.
- I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST'VE BEEN LIKE
GROWING UP WITH A DAD LIKE HIM.
- YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS, OR SHOULD I?
- IT WAS A MAGICAL CARPET RIDE.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
THE WHOLE TIME I KNEW HIM,
HE ONLY EVER MENTIONED HAVING TWO GIRLS.
- WELL, I MEAN, THAT SAM SEEMED NICE ENOUGH.
- YEAH. - YEAH, I GUESS.
BUT WHAT I DON'T GET IS,
HOW COME WE NEVER HEARD ABOUT HIM BEFORE?
DAD NEVER MENTIONED SAM TO YOU, MA?
- NOT A WORD. - [gasps]
WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT
THAT SAM IS FRANK'S ILLEGITIMATE SON?
- HEY, YEAH!
MAYBE FRANK'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS WITH A SECRET LIFE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE MAYBE HE'S GOT ANOTHER FAMILY IN FLORIDA.
- THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY FAMILY IN FLORIDA
TRYING TO ESCAPE TO CUBA.
- THAT'S GOOD.
I GOTTA SAY, DAD REALLY SEEMED TO LIKE THAT GUY.
- NO, NO, YOUR FATHER DOESN'T LIKE PEOPLE.
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
LOOK WHAT I GOT AT THE SUPPLY BIN.
- HEY.
- HERE YOU GO, KIDS. HAVE FUN WITH THESE.
- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
- HEY, YOU SHOULD SEE SAM'S PLACE.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF ENVELOPES
HE'S GOT THERE?
- 85.
- 32. DON'T BE A WISEASS.
- THESE ARE JAZZY.
- WELL, I'D BETTER GET BACK.
IT WAS REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU ALL.
- OKAY, BYE. - BYE-BYE.
- OH, AND THANKS AGAIN, MR. BARONE.
IT WAS REALLY GREAT TO BE ABLE TO TALK WITH YOU AGAIN.
- OKAY, SAMMY, I'LL BE BY THE STORE REAL SOON.
- ALL RIGHT, GREAT. BYE, NOW.
- OKAY. [door shuts]
- MARIE, HAM.
- ON THE TABLE, CONGEALING.
- YOU KNOW, FRANK, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU DO TO INSPIRE THIS FELLOW?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I JUST HAVE THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE.
- I THINK SAM'S BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME
SNIFFING THE MAGIC MARKERS.
- HEY, KNOCK IT OFF. HE'S A REAL GOOD GUY.
- I'D LIKE TO KNOW SOMETHING.
WHO IS HE, FRANK?
WHO IS HE?
- I TOLD YOU, HE'S A KID WHO USED TO HANG AROUND THE OFFICE.
- WELL, HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT HIM?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- JUST TELL ME, IS HE YOUR SON?
- WHAT?
- OH, MARIE!
WE WERE JUST JOKING ABOUT THAT.
- WHO WAS IT, FRANK?
HARRIET LICHTMANN?
- OH, COME ON!
- IS THIS BOY REALLY SAMMY LICHTMANN,
YOUR LOVE CHILD?
- LOVE CHILD?
YOU'RE NUTS, LADY!
- OH, YEAH?
YOU THINK I DON'T SEE HE'S BALD?
YOU MISSED BRUNCH TODAY.
YOU MISSED A HAM, FRANK.
AND IN 47 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,
YOU HAVE NEVER TURNED YOUR BACK ON PORK.
- ALL RIGHT.
CALM DOWN, MARIE.
- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
- NOTHING, DAD, IT'S JUST FUNNY
THAT--THAT YOU HAD SUCH AN EFFECT ON THIS GUY.
I MEAN, HE'S EVEN SAYING THAT YOU WERE HIS MENTOR.
- SO? - "SO". OKAY, HERE WE GO.
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY? I CAN BE VERY INSPIRING.
- OKAY, OKAY. - OH, NOW HE'S INSPIRING, OKAY.
- HEY, HEY, STOP LAUGHING, YOU MORONS.
- ALL RIGHT, SORRY, DAD.
NO, YOU'RE GREAT. YOU'RE GREAT.
YOU SHOULD TOUR THE COUNTRY
SPREADING THE FRANK BARONE GOSPEL.
"CLOSE YOUR MIND AND OPEN YOUR PANTS!"
- "HYGIENE AND OTHER WASTES OF TIME."
- "FIND YOURSELF. JUST FOLLOW THE SMELL."
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE COULD MAKE SOME MONEY IF HE GOES ON TOUR.
CHARGE $10 TO GET IN.
- $20 TO GET OUT.
- AH! GOOD.
- OKAY, FELLAHS, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH.
IT IS SUNDAY.
- NO, NO, NO, IT'S FINE.
YOU TWO ARE A REAL PAIR OF JOKERS.
I'M GLAD I CAME HOME FOR THIS.
MARIE, I'M GONNA HAVE BRUNCH AT THE LODGE!
- YOU KNOW, WHY DID I WORRY?
WHO ELSE WOULD SLEEP WITH HIM?
- SO HOW ARE YOU?
- FINE.
- YEAH? YOU SURE?
- WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO KICK THINGS OFF HERE?
- NO.
NO, I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
- OH, I'M KIND OF READING.
- I JUST THOUGHT YOU AND ROBERT SEEMED A LITTLE UPSET TODAY.
- WELL, NO, WE WEREN'T UPSET.
- NO? ABOUT YOUR DAD BEING SO FRIENDLY WITH THAT SAMMY GUY?
- WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO BE UPSET ABOUT?
IT WAS FUNNY.
"CLOSE YOUR MIND. OPEN YOUR PANTS."
[chuckles]
I JUST-- I MADE THAT ONE UP.
"WE'LL CHARGE 'EM 20"-- THAT ONE WE'VE DONE BEFORE.
WE'VE DONE THAT ONE.
- OH, AND THIS WHOLE THING DOESN'T BOTHER YOU?
- NO, LOOK, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, OKAY?
I-I KNOW YOU LIKE TO THINK
THAT I'M A LOT MORE COMPLICATED THAN I SEEM,
BUT PLEASE, TRUST ME,
NOTHING MUCH GOING ON UP THERE, OKAY?
REALLY. SEE? LOOK, LISTEN.
THERE'S VERY LITTLE IN THERE.
IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF GOLF BALLS
KNOCKING UP INTO A PAIR OF BREASTS.
THAT'S IT.
SO YOU KNOW,
COULD YOU GO ANALYZE SOMEBODY ELSE, DR. QUACK?
'CAUSE I'M FINE.
- OKAY. I'M SORRY.
- BY THE WAY, WHAT WAS THAT CRAP ABOUT MENTORING?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW HE MENTORED ME AND ROBERT?
HE'D SAY, "QUIT BEING A BABY, AND SUCK IT UP!"
THAT'S RIGHT. "SUCK IT UP, NANCY!"
THOSE WERE HIS GREAT WORDS OF SUPPORT, SECOND ONLY
TO "GET OFF YOUR PITY POT AND ACT LIKE A MAN!"
HEARD THAT WHEN I WAS FOUR,
THE FIRST TIME I FELL OFF MY BIKE.
- YOU KNOW, MAYBE--
- AND THEN HE GOES AND HE HUGS THIS GUY.
WHAT IS HE DOING HUGGING THIS GUY?
YOU KNOW WHEN HE HUGGED ME?
THE CLOSEST HE EVER CAME
WAS WHEN HE WRAPPED HIS ARMS AROUND ME
TO DRAG ME AWAY FROM A CAKE HE WANTED.
YOU KNOW?
AND IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
- YOU KNOW, RAY, I--
- HE'S HUGGING THIS GUY! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
- RAY? - WHAT?
- YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX? - NO!
YES!
SO, MOM, DID DAD AND/OR THE HAM EVER COME BACK?
- ONE CAME BACK INSIDE THE OTHER.
- YOU DON'T NEED TO MAKE ME LUNCH, MARIE.
I'M TAKING SAM TO THE LODGE TO MEET THE BOYS.
- FRANK, WAIT. - WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- AMY AND I THINK THAT
YOU AND RAY AND ROBERT NEED TO TALK.
- HEY, WHOA, WHOA. NO, WE DON'T.
- WE NEVER SAID THAT.
- YES, YOU DO.
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS WHOLE SAM SITUATION.
- YOU WANT TO CLEAR THE AIR AND GET OUT YOUR FEELINGS.
DEBRA AND I DISCUSSED IT AT THE MALL.
- I HATE THAT DAMN MALL.
- RAY, WHY DON'T YOU START
BY TELLING YOUR FATHER SOME OF THE THINGS
YOU WERE TELLING ME LAST NIGHT?
- YOU TOO, ROBERT. - I DON'T NEED TO.
- YES, YOU DO. - NO, I DON'T.
- THEN WHY'D YOU PUNCH A HOLE IN THE HEADBOARD LAST NIGHT?
- I THOUGHT I HEARD A MOUSE BACK THERE.
- IT'S A GOOD IDEA, ROBERT.
TELL YOUR FATHER HOW HE FAILED YOU.
- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I'LL BE AT THE LODGE.
- NO, WAIT, FRANK.
WHAT'S TROUBLING YOUR SONS
IS THAT IT SEEMS YOU'RE ABLE TO ACHIEVE
A LEVEL OF INTIMACY WITH A STRANGER
THAT THEY SO DESPERATELY--
- NO! - OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
- DON'T SAY THAT. NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT.
- THEN YOU SAY IT!
- COME ON, TELL HIM, RAYMOND. TELL HIM.
- OKAY, IT'S JUST...
WE COULDN'T HELP NOTICING THAT--THAT...
YOU REALLY LIKE THIS SAM GUY,
AND YOU--YOU WERE AN INSPIRATION TO HIM AND EVERYTHING,
AND WE...
KIND OF GOT JACK.
- SQUAT, JACK SQUAT.
- JACK SQUAT? GIVE ME A BREAK.
- SEE, FRANK, MAYBE THIS IS THE ATTITUDE--
- STOP!
THIS IS THE ATTITUDE!
- THE SAME JACK SQUAT ATTITUDE
THAT PROVES THE THESIS OF OUR DISCONTENT.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE FRUITY WHINING TO ME.
- WELL, WE'RE NOT WHINING. WE'RE PISSED OFF.
- YEAH, HE'S PISSED OFF!
- YOU NEVER GAVE US THE TIME OF DAY,
SO HOW DO YOU THINK IT MAKES US FEEL,
WE FIND OUT THERE'S A KID OUT THERE
THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY NICE TO?
- MAYBE HE WAS ACTUALLY NICE TO ME!
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?
- WHAT? - HE WAS NICE TO ME!
HE RESPECTED ME!
YOU GUYS NEVER DID!
- HOW COULD WE RESPECT YOU?
HOW COULD WE RESPECT A GUY WHO LOOKS AT YOU AND SAYS,
"STOP BRUSHING YOUR TEETH SO LOUD.
I'M TRYING TO WATCH 'GUNSMOKE'"?
- YOU DID BRUSH LOUDLY, ROBERT.
- ARE YOU HELPING ME, MA?
- I WAS A GREAT FATHER.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU GAVE US GREAT INSPIRATION, GREAT ADVICE.
"QUIT CRYING! YOU GOT PLENTY OF BLOOD!"
- "DON'T SCREW UP.
YOU'RE BIG, EVERYONE WILL NOTICE MORE!"
- YOU DONE? GOOD-BYE!
- WAIT!
YOU CAN'T LEAVE THIS WAY!
- OUT OF MY WAY, SISTER.
- I MAY BE NEW HERE,
BUT I KNOW THIS FAMILY WELL ENOUGH
TO KNOW THAT YOU BOYS LOVE EACH OTHER,
AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HE'LL EAT YOU.
- I THINK YOU BOYS NEED TO HUG.
- WHAT! - AAH!
- I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!
- YOU HUGGED SAM LICHTMANN.
YOU CAN HUG YOUR SONS.
- I HADN'T SEEN HIM FOR 30 YEARS.
IF YOU PEOPLE GO AWAY FOR 30 YEARS,
I'LL HUG YOU TOO.
- I DON'T WANT TO BE HUGGED.
- ALL RIGHT, I THINK MARIE AND AMY ARE RIGHT.
A LOT OF THE PROBLEMS IN THIS FAMILY WOULDN'T EXIST
IF THERE WAS A LITTLE MORE HUGGING
AND A LITTLE LESS YELLING,
SO, FRANK, HUG YOUR SONS!
- GET OVER THERE. - COME ON. HERE.
- GET OFF OF ME! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS!
- TRUST ME, YOU NEED THIS.
OPEN YOURSELF UP TO GENUINE AFFECTION.
- YOUR WIFE IS SO QUEER.
- I KNOW.
- OKAY, COME ON, LET'S GO.
PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER. COME ON.
- I'M LATE FOR LUNCH.
THE LODGE WILL KNOW I'M MISSING.
- YOU'D BETTER HOPE THAT YOUR LODGE IS OPEN
FOR THREE MEALS A DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
IF YOU DON'T HUG THESE BOYS,
MY KITCHEN IS CLOSED.
- THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
- MARIE, I WANT STEAK TONIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT, COULD WE STOP?
THE SMELLS FROM MY CHILDHOOD
ARE STARTING TO COME BACK.
- DID WE HAVE A MONKEY?
- HI.
[overlapping greetings]
- SORRY TO INTERRUPT WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING,
UH, BUT YOUR GRANDSON TOLD ME YOU WERE HERE.
- HEY, THANKS, GEOFFREY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET GOING TO THE LODGE.
- ACTUALLY, I CAN'T GO.
THERE'S TROUBLE DOWN AT THE STORE.
- WHAT GIVES?
- THE BUILDING INSPECTOR
SLAPPED ME WITH 18 CODE VIOLATIONS.
IT'S REALLY BAD.
- OH, THAT'S A PITY.
- IT'S A COMPLETE DISASTER.
I GOT TO TEAR UP THE CONCRETE FLOOR,
REDO THE ELECTRICAL.
MY INVESTORS ARE GONNA KILL ME.
I JUST FEEL LIKE SHUTTING THE WHOLE THING DOWN.
- HEY, MAN, THAT REALLY IS TOO BAD.
- YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT.
- AW, BOO-HOO, WOE IS ME.
- OH, FRANK!
- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GET OFF YOUR PITY POT
AND ACT LIKE A MAN.
I MEAN IT. GIVE ME A BREAK, NANCY.
- THAT ISN'T VERY NICE, FRANK!
- WHAT DID I ALWAYS TELL YOU?
- QUIT CRYING AND SUCK IT UP. - WHAT?
- QUIT CRYING AND SUCK IT UP! - THAT'S RIGHT.
QUIT CRYING AND SUCK IT UP, YOU WHINY BABY.
- DAD, DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. BARONE.
- OH-HO, WHOA, WHOA! - EXCUSE ME?
- I'M BEING A WIMP. I CAN HANDLE THIS!
- OKAY, THEN QUIT BLUBBERING. YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK.
YEAH! YOU SEE, THIS IS WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS MAN.
MY OWN FATHER CANDY-COATED EVERYTHING.
"OH, YOU'RE GREAT.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. I LOVE YOU."
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
THANK YOU, MR. BARONE.
- I'M HUNGRY.
YOU TWO MOOKS WANT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AT THE LODGE?
- YEAH. WHY NOT?
- YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE LODGE.
I MEAN, I HAVE A LOT OF FOOD HERE I CAN MAKE.
- [laughs]
OH, THAT'S FUNNY, DEBRA.
COME ON, I'VE GOT SOME NICE, BIG STEAKS ACROSS THE STREET.
- OH!
- STEAK IT IS.
- DID THAT HURT YOUR FEELINGS A LITTLE?
WELL, STOP YOUR CRYING
AND GET OFF YOUR PITY POT, NANCY!
- YOU REALLY ARE QUEER.