- THEY BOUGHT A CONDOMINIUM IN NEW JERSEY:
THE GARDEN STATE VILLAS.
- WE WANT TO MOVE THERE.
- WE GET THE HOUSE.
- [gasps] WHAT?
- OUR OWN HOUSE!
- GOODBYE.
[party horn toots]
[knock on door]
- HI. - OH.
OH, MY GOODNESS. OH.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THIRD TIME IN TWO WEEKS, MA.
- ONLY THE THIRD TIME.
COME IN. SIT DOWN.
YOUR FATHER'S JUST ON HIS WAY BACK FROM THE DINING HALL.
- OH.
WHAT DO YOU DO, HOSE HIM OFF AND SEND HIM BACK?
- [chuckles]
- OH, BOY.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, RAYMOND?
- YEAH, IT'S JUST TRAFFIC THE WHOLE WAY.
I MEAN, USUALLY TAKES 85 MINUTES.
TOOK TWO HOURS TODAY.
NO, I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.
- HOW ARE YOU, MARIE?
- OH, I TELL YOU,
NOW THAT I'M IN THE VILLA'S PRODUCTION
OF "THE UNSINKABLE MOLLY BROWN", AS MOLLY,
I'M IN CONSTANT REHEARSAL
AND I'M IN VOICE AND MOVEMENT CLASSES AND YOGA.
OH, AND BY THE WAY, RAYMOND, YOU NEED TO STOP BY THE OFFICE
AND CO-SIGN SOME INSURANCE WAIVER FOR ME.
[horn honks] OH.
- NO BRAKES! NO BRAKES!
[honks horn]
- OH!
[Frank chuckling]
- OH...
HI, FRANK!
- HEY, DAD, I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY.
WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE ME TO THE DINING HALL?
- NO, I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY GUEST PASSES.
- RAYMOND, SIT DOWN.
I'LL FIX US SOME LUNCH,
AND THEN WE CAN HAVE A NICE CONVERSATION.
- SO HOW ARE YOU, FRANK?
- FAT!
THE DINING HALL IS OPEN 24 HOURS,
PLUS MARIE IS COOKING UP A STORM.
SOME DAYS, I EAT TEN TIMES!
- WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEE THAT CONDO LIVING
STILL AGREES WITH YOU.
- YEP, I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
AFTER I VISIT THE THRONE ROOM.
THE SEAT IN THERE IS CUSHIONED AND HEATED.
RAY, BEFORE YOU GO HOME,
YOU GOTTA GIVE IT A TEST DRIVE.
- TRY AND STOP ME.
- BOY, I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOUR PARENTS THIS HAPPY.
THEN AGAIN, I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM HAPPY.
- YEAH.
YEAH. NO, THEY'RE HAPPY.
SO HOW LONG WE GOTTA STAY?
- RAY.
- I'M JUST SAYING. YOU'LL EAT YOUR SANDWICH.
THEN WE'LL GET A JUMP ON THE TRAFFIC ON THE WAY BACK.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW, ENOUGH WITH THE TRAFFIC.
SO YOU HAVE TO DO A LITTLE DRIVING.
THAT PROBLEM IS MORE THAN OUTWEIGHED
BY THE FACT THAT I HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO EXIT HELL.
- IT'S JUST LIKE YOU LIKE, RAYMOND.
EGG SALAD WITH EXTRA EGG.
- ALL RIGHT, THANKS, MA. - YUMMY.
- WHOO! I HAD A FANTASTIC IDEA.
WHAT IF YOU AND I HAVE SOME ONE-ON-ONE TIME?
NEXT WEEK, COME BY YOURSELF
AND STAY FOR A FEW DAYS.
- HMM.
NO, I MEAN...
- [laughs]
YOU KNOW WHAT, MARIE?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I MEAN, I'M GONNA MISS RAY,
BUT I'LL JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT UP.
- OH, GOOD.
- [singing] HEAVEN
I'M IN HEAVEN
MY HEART BEATS SO THAT I CAN HARDLY SPEAK
[phone rings]
- HELLO?
AH, YOU GOT A PHONE IN THERE TOO, HUH?
YEAH, OKAY.
- RIGHT IN HERE.
- THANK YOU.
HI. I'M RAY BARONE.
- OH, GREAT. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
- THANKS. I'M DEBRA.
- HI.
- YEAH, MY MOM SAID
I NEED TO SIGN SOME INSURANCE FORM FOR HER.
AND ALSO...
ASK ABOUT A ROLLAWAY BED FOR ME.
- YES, MR. BARONE, I'M GLAD YOU CAME BY.
WE NEED YOUR PARENTS TO MOVE OUT.
- WHAT?
- I'M SORRY TO BE SO BLUNT,
BUT THERE HAVE BEEN A NUMBER OF ISSUES,
AND THEY NEED TO GO.
- WAIT--WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE KICKING THEM OUT?
- YES.
- I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
FRANK AND MARIE SEEM INCREDIBLY HAPPY HERE.
- I ASSURE YOU THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES.
YOUR FATHER'S BEEN TEARING AROUND ON HIS GOLF CART,
ENDANGERING PEDESTRIANS.
- OH?
- WHEN OUR SECURITY GUARDS WARN YOUR FATHER,
HE TURNS HIS CART AND AIMS FOR THEM.
ONE TIME, HE SHOUTED, UH...
"HIT THE MONKEY, WIN A COOKIE!"
IF THIS WERE THE ONLY ISSUE,
WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO WORK THROUGH IT.
BUT YOUR FATHER'S OVERALL DEMEANOR IS...
SORT OF LIKE A MANIAC.
ONE NIGHT WE CAUGHT HIM INSIDE THE WALK-IN FRIDGE
EATING AN ENTIRE BALONEY.
- BUT AS BAD AS YOUR FATHER IS...
- OH, BOY.
- YOUR MOTHER HAS BROUGHT THE MORALE OF OUR COMMUNITY
TO AN ALL-TIME LOW.
- GO AHEAD, KATIE.
- NONE OF THE OTHER WOMEN WANT TO BE AROUND HER.
YOU KNOW, SHE HAS THIS WAY OF APPEARING TO GIVE A COMPLIMENT
WHEN ACTUALLY SHE'S INSULTING YOU.
AND SHE'S CRITICAL OF EVERYTHING:
CLOTHING, HAIR, COOKING.
- I JUST...
- I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS IS COMING FROM.
MARIE MUST BE MAKING SOME FRIENDS.
ISN'T SHE IN THE CAST OF "THE UNSINKABLE MOLLY BROWN"?
- THAT IS NOW A ONE-WOMAN SHOW.
AND WHEN I TRIED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT ALL THIS,
SHE SAID THAT MY RUDE TONE
MIGHT BE THE REASON I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.
- SO WE'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE THEM WITH YOU.
- WE HAVE PEOPLE TO HELP YOU PACK.
- NOW, HOLD ON.
WE ARE NOT GONNA SIT HERE
AND LISTEN TO YOU RUN DOWN THESE GOOD PEOPLE.
I DON'T THINK YOU'VE EVEN CONSIDERED
THAT THE PROBLEM JUST MAY BE EVERYONE ELSE.
- WELL, I--
- OH, FRANK AND MARIE BARONE
ARE FINE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.
OH, SURE, THEY MIGHT BE OPINIONATED,
BUT I FIND THAT REFRESHING.
AND MARIE MAY HAVE BRUISED SOME FEELINGS,
BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER
THAT EVERYTHING SHE DOES COMES FROM LOVE.
- I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE UPSET.
- PLEASE DON'T MAKE US TAKE THEM BACK.
- I'M...I'M SORRY.
- IS IT MONEY?
'CAUSE WE COULD PAY MORE MONEY.
- NO, I'M SORRY. WE--
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
WE HAVE TO THINK OF THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY.
SEE, OUR PHILOSOPHY HERE IS
"LET'S ALL BE HAPPY TILL THE END."
- SOME OF OUR RESIDENTS HAVE THREATENED
TO STOP TAKING THEIR MEDICATION.
- I UNDERSTAND,
BUT ISN'T THERE SOMETHING THAT WE...
JUST...SOMETHING?
[sighs]
RAY?
- CAN WE LIVE HERE?
- DON'T YOU LOVE OUR NEW COUCH?
- YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY DO.
I'M STARTING TO LOVE EVERYTHING NOW.
I WAS GONNA DO MY WORKOUT
ON THE NEW MUSCLEFLEX AFTER DINNER...
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
- WHAT?
- DRINKING MAKES YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR BODY
THE WAY IT IS.
- HI, GUYS. YOU'RE BACK EARLY.
- WE HAVE TO TALK.
- ABOUT WHAT?
- HI.
- WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE HOUSE?
- LOOK WHO'S HERE.
- MARIE, FRANK. HI.
WE WEREN'T EXPECTING YOU TO VISIT SO SOON.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU WERE COMING?
- WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK.
- WHERE ARE MY THINGS?
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, MA, CALM DOWN.
- NO, YOU CALM DOWN.
FIRST YOUR FATHER GETS US KICKED OUT
OF MY DREAM CONDOMINIUM,
AND NOW THESE TWO HAVE RUINED THE HOUSE!
- KICKED...OUT?
- ME?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SUNK US, MOLLY BROWN!
- AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ATE THE WHOLE BALONEY!
- HI.
IT SEEMS THAT FRANK AND MARIE
WERE ASKED TO LEAVE THEIR RETIREMENT COMMUNITY
BECAUSE...
WELL, YOU CAN IMAGINE.
- THEY WERE ALSO ASKED
TO NOT LIVE IN ANY NEIGHBORING COMMUNITIES.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND.
OH, CRAP!
- ROBERT, THE NEW COUCH!
- OH, I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
- THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE PLASTIC ON A SOFA.
- SO YOU'RE NOT LIVING THERE ANYMORE?
JUST LIKE THAT?
ISN'T THERE SOME SORT OF APPEALS PROCESS?
- I'M SORRY. - IS IT MONEY?
WE CAN PAY MORE MONEY!
- AMY, AMY, AMY.
I TRIED.
THERE IS NO AMOUNT.
- RAYMOND, HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DIDN'T LET IT HAPPEN.
- YEAH, BUT YOU JUST SAT THERE.
I THINK DEEP DOWN HE WANTED THEM TO BE KICKED OUT
BECAUSE RAY DOESN'T LIKE TO DRIVE IN TRAFFIC.
WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE DRIVING IN THIS, HUH?
BETTER GET USED TO THIS
BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE DRIVING IN,
YOU SELFISH, SELFISH--
- THE COUCH!
- MY ARM!
- I LIKED THAT CONDO!
I WAS THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW!
- ALL RIGHT, STOP IT! ENOUGH!
EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN!
I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
PART OF ME ALWAYS THINKS
WHY CAN'T MOM AND DAD GET ALONG WITH DEBRA AND ME?
AND ROBERT
AND AMY.
AND I SAY TO MYSELF,
"MAYBE IT'S US."
MAYBE IT'S US, BECAUSE THEY'RE THE PARENTS
AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO RESPECT THEM AND--
AND HONOR THEM,
LIKE THEY'RE CHINESE OR SOMETHING.
AND WE DON'T.
WE DON'T ALWAYS.
AND MAYBE IT'S US.
BUT TODAY...
AFTER 40 YEARS,
I THINK I'VE ACTUALLY FIGURED SOMETHING OUT.
IT'S NOT US.
IT'S YOU.
PEOPLE FROM YOUR OWN WORLD WAR II WORLD
HAVE SPOKEN.
AND IT'S YOU!
HAD TO BE SAID.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU TOLD ME, RAYMOND.
SOME HAVE SAID
THAT OURS WAS THE GREATEST GENERATION.
BUT I GUESS YOU KNOW BETTER.
- I HAD MY DREAM TOILET.
- AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INQUIRE
TO THE WHEREABOUTS OF MY POSSESSIONS:
MY SOFA AND MY PIANO.
- THEY'RE IN THE BASEMENT.
- AH...THE BASEMENT.
SO I'M NOT GONE A MONTH
AND MY 100-YEAR-OLD PRICELESS BULGARIAN UPRIGHT PIANO
IS IN THE BASEMENT
AND HAS BEEN REPLACED BY YOU WITH THIS.
- DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS, MA?
- YES, I DO KNOW WHAT THAT IS!
I MAY BE AN ANCIENT RELIC AS FAR AS YOU'RE CONCERNED,
BUT I'M STILL ABLE TO KNOW WHAT THINGS ARE!
THIS IS A SEX MACHINE!
- MA!
- CAN I GO FOR A RIDE?
- IT'S NOT A SEX MACHINE!
IT'S FOR EXERCISE.
- I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL IT!
LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
YOU TWO HAVE TURNED MY HOME
INTO THE PLAYBOY MANSION!
- MA, WE'VE HARDLY CHANGED ANYTHING.
- I NEED MY ASPIRIN!
- DOES SOMEONE WANT TO EXPLAIN TO ME
WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW?
- YEAH, YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM.
- A PROBLEM?
MM-HMM.
I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE FAIR AND SQUARE
FOR $26,000, RAYMOND.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. BUT WHERE THEY GONNA GO?
- WHERE THEY GONNA GO? HOW ABOUT YOUR HOUSE?
- I DON'T THINK SO. - OH, I DO THINK SO!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ROBERT, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE UPSET.
BUT I WILL GET A STEPLADDER
AND FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH OVER THIS.
- I'LL FIGHT YA BOTH.
- ROBERT! - I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
I'LL GO PRISON.
PUT HER ON YOUR SHOULDERS, RAYMOND!
- I DON'T NEED HER!
- HOW ABOUT I HIT YOU WITH YOUR OWN WIFE?
[all shouting]
- STOP! STOP!
STOP!
THERE'S ALL THIS STRANGE FOOD IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
FIRST LET'S PUT EVERYTHING BACK WHERE IT WAS,
AND THEN I'LL GO FOOD SHOPPING.
- NO, MA, WE'RE NOT PUTTING ANYTHING BACK,
YOU UNDERSTAND?
THE FURNITURE IS STAYING RIGHT HERE,
AND SO IS MY MUSCLEFLEX, OKAY?
THIS IS OUR HOUSE NOW!
AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, GOOD NIGHT.
AAAH! OOHH!
OH!
- ROBERT. - NO.
- MAY I SAY SOMETHING? - NO!
NO, SEE, I KNOW YOU, OKAY?
AND YOU'RE GONNA START TALKING,
AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL NICE AND SWEET AND LOVING,
AND THEN WE'RE SCREWED.
THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A SEX MACHINE.
- ROBERT. - NO!
YOU DON'T TALK
ANYMORE!
- STOP! STOP!
THIS HAS BEEN A VERY UPSETTING DAY
FOR ME AND FOR YOUR FATHER.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE, HONESTLY:
THE HEARTLESSNESS OF A SOCIETY
THAT HAS SUCH LITTLE REGARD FOR ITS AGING POPULATION
OR THE REJECTION OF ONE'S OWN FAMILY.
- ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MA?
YOU WIN.
YOU CAN TAKE THE HOUSE.
WE'RE GONNA MOVE BACK INTO AMY'S APARTMENT.
CALL YOUR LANDLORD.
- UM, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
IT WAS RENT-CONTROLLED, AND IT'S GONE ALREADY.
- GONE.
- WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO LIVE HERE
UNTIL YOU FIND A PLACE.
- OH-OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO.
YOU SEE, THAT IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, OKAY?
SO JUST GET THAT OUT OF YOUR BIG BLONDE HEAD.
NO WAY!
- WELL, WAIT.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD SAVE UP FOR OUR OWN PLACE QUICKER
IF WE STAY HERE FOR A WHILE.
AND BESIDES,
WE JUST SPENT A FORTUNE ON FURNITURE,
AND WE CAN'T EVEN RETURN THE COUCH OR THE MUSCLEFLEX
BECAUSE YOU JUST RUINED THEM...
SWEETIE.
- MY LIFE.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?
WAS THIS YOUR PLAN, HUH?
YOU SAT UP THERE
AND YOU PUT ME THROUGH EVERYTHING
AND THEN LET ME END UP LIKE THIS?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MISTER.
YOU...
ARE NOT FUNNY.
- HE DOES SCREW WITH HIM A LOT.
- MOM.
I-IF, IN FACT,
YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR PROPOSAL,
THEN...
[exhales]
WE ACCEPT.
- GOOD.
YOU SEE, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
AND THE IMPORTANT THING IS, WE'LL BE TOGETHER!
- HA-HA-HA! HA!
SORRY. SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY.
I GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS, YEAH.
- I HATE THIS CHAIR.
BUT THEN AGAIN, MY ASS HAS BEEN SPOILED.
[door opens]
- HEY.
WHAT'S UP, NEIGHBOR?
- MA WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU AND DEBRA
ARE COMING OVER TO WATCH THE OPERA ON TELEVISION
WITH THEM AND US TOMORROW NIGHT.
- NAH, I DON'T THINK SO.
- THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
- THIS IS THE SADDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
- HEY.
- HI, AMY. HOW'S IT GOIN'?
- MARIE WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU KNEW
BEFORE YOU DECIDED THAT PLACIDO DOMINGO
WAS SINGING THIS PARTICULAR OPERA.
- OH, YEAH? THANKS.
BUT I DON'T THINK SO.
- THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
- GOD IS FUNNY.