1 00:00:01,233 --> 00:00:04,500 - HI! - HELLO, SWEETIE. 2 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:05,633 THERE'S YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT, 3 00:00:05,633 --> 00:00:08,667 BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN IT TILL TOMORROW. 4 00:00:08,667 --> 00:00:11,033 - WELCOME, MOM- AND DAD-IN-LAW. 5 00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:13,267 - [low-key] HELLO, ROBERT. 6 00:00:13,267 --> 00:00:16,467 [joyously] HELLO, RAYMOND! 7 00:00:16,467 --> 00:00:17,767 - HEY. 8 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,667 HOW YA DOIN'? 9 00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:21,367 - PAT, I REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN 10 00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:23,900 YOU AND RAYMOND HAD DOING THAT PUZZLE LAST YEAR, 11 00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,300 SO I BOUGHT ONE. 12 00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:29,233 "THE TEN COMMANDMENTS." 13 00:00:29,233 --> 00:00:31,000 ALL OF WHICH I LOVE, BY THE WAY, 14 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,800 NOT A STINKER AMONG 'EM. 15 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,100 - ACTUALLY, WE'VE ALREADY DONE THAT PUZZLE. 16 00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:37,700 - DAMN! 17 00:00:39,367 --> 00:00:43,133 - GUESS I GOTTA WORK ON THIS ONE RIGHT HERE. 18 00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:48,900 - SO, MOM, DAD, YOU GUYS'LL BE SLEEPING IN OUR ROOM TONIGHT. 19 00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:50,967 - YES, I THINK YOU'LL BE VERY COMFORTABLE IN OUR ROOM. 20 00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:54,567 WE HAVE A GREAT BED. YOU'RE REALLY GONNA ENJOY IT. 21 00:00:56,967 --> 00:00:59,433 NOT...ENJOY ENJOY. 22 00:00:59,433 --> 00:01:03,167 SLEEP. ENJOYABLE SLEEP. 23 00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:06,000 'CAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU'LL BE DOING, I'M SURE. 24 00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:10,167 WHICH IS NOT TO SAY YOU CAN'T DO WHAT YOU WANT, 25 00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:12,000 'CAUSE YOU CAN. 26 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,067 IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'LL BE BREAKING ANY COMMANDMENTS. 27 00:01:20,333 --> 00:01:23,667 - IT'S LIKE YOUR MOUTH IS FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS. 28 00:01:31,033 --> 00:01:33,267 - "ENJOY OUR BED." 29 00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,300 I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. 30 00:01:41,533 --> 00:01:44,500 OH, HI. 31 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:47,933 IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? 32 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:50,033 WHAT, CAN'T SLEEP? 33 00:01:50,033 --> 00:01:52,100 YEAH, ME NEITHER. 34 00:02:05,433 --> 00:02:10,667 - YOUR MOM'S CACCIATORE WAS VERY SPICY. 35 00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,300 - WOW! 36 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:16,433 - OH, ROBERT, PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE I SMOKE. 37 00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:18,967 - N-N-NO, NO, I WON'T. 38 00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:21,833 - IT'S MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. 39 00:02:21,833 --> 00:02:24,300 I DON'T SMOKE A LOT, JUST THREE A DAY. 40 00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:27,100 I'VE TRIED TO QUIT, BUT THEY'RE JUST SO-- 41 00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,333 - ADDICTIVE. 42 00:02:28,333 --> 00:02:32,267 - I WAS GONNA SAY WONDERFULLY RELAXING. 43 00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:36,133 - THAT TOO. YEAH. 44 00:02:36,133 --> 00:02:38,600 SO NO ONE KNOWS? NOT HANK? 45 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,667 - OH, GOODNESS, NO. 46 00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:43,400 - NOT EVEN...RAYMOND? 47 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,533 - NO. 48 00:02:47,733 --> 00:02:49,333 - SO IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, 49 00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:51,867 HOW HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO KEEP IT HIDDEN? 50 00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,267 - IT'S NOT EASY. 51 00:02:53,267 --> 00:02:55,300 I BUY MY CIGARETTES TWO COUNTIES OVER 52 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,600 WHERE NO ONE KNOWS ME. 53 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,100 - BUT YOU NEVER SMELL LIKE SMOKE. 54 00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:03,367 - I ONLY SMOKE OUTSIDE, I HOLD IT DOWNWIND, 55 00:03:03,367 --> 00:03:07,533 AND I ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY OF MINTY CHEWING GUM. 56 00:03:07,533 --> 00:03:12,267 IN FACT, HANK THINKS GUM-CHEWING IS MY BAD HABIT. 57 00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:14,833 - INTERESTING. 58 00:03:14,833 --> 00:03:19,133 - I APPRECIATE YOU BEIN' SO UNDERSTANDING, ROBERT. 59 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:28,667 - OH, SURE. OF--OF COURSE. 60 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,467 - I'VE KEPT IT HIDDEN SO LONG, IT'S KIND OF NICE 61 00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:36,100 TO LET SOMEONE IN ON THE SECRET. 62 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:38,100 - WELL, I'M... 63 00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:40,767 GLAD I CAN... 64 00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:42,133 BE THAT SOMEONE. 65 00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:45,100 - ME TOO. 66 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:58,000 - SO YOU...MIND IF I BUM A CIGGY? 67 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:02,333 - YOU WANT A CIGARETTE? BUT YOU DON'T SMOKE. 68 00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:03,700 - OH, SURE, YOU KNOW, 69 00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:06,300 AS A COP, IT HELPS TO HAVE A SMOKE EVERY SO OFTEN. 70 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:07,433 'CAUSE I GOTTA TELL YOU, 71 00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:09,367 I SEE A LOT OF SICK THINGS EVERY DAY. 72 00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:13,033 YOU KNOW, I ONCE FOUND A FOOT IN A MAILBOX. 73 00:04:13,033 --> 00:04:14,600 - OH, MY. 74 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,300 - OH, YEAH, LUCKILY, WE CAUGHT THE GUY 75 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:19,867 'CAUSE THERE WAS A RETURN ADDRESS. 76 00:04:19,867 --> 00:04:23,000 IT'S A COP JOKE. 77 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,567 - HERE YOU ARE. 78 00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:25,700 - AH... 79 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:29,133 AH, GREAT, YEAH, THIS WILL HIT THE SPOT. 80 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,367 - ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY NOW? 81 00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:44,200 - I'M FINE. FINE. 82 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:48,033 LISTEN, I--I'M SORRY I LIED ABOUT ME SMOKING. 83 00:04:48,033 --> 00:04:49,167 BUT I HAVE TO TELL YA, 84 00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:51,033 I THINK I GOT A LITTLE TASTE FOR IT TONIGHT, 85 00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:54,333 AND I JUST MIGHT PICK IT UP. 86 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:59,733 - ROBERT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW... 87 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:03,200 I HAD A VERY NICE TIME TALKING WITH YOU. 88 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,467 - ME TOO. 89 00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:06,767 - OKAY. 90 00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:10,567 AW. 91 00:05:12,467 --> 00:05:13,767 GOOD NIGHT. 92 00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:15,133 - 'NIGHT. 93 00:05:21,933 --> 00:05:22,833 - HEY. 94 00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:26,167 OH, SORRY, I WAS JUST GETTING A DRINK OF MILK. 95 00:05:36,267 --> 00:05:40,967 - WHAT'S THAT SMELL? 96 00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:42,967 - NOTHING. 97 00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:49,067 THIS IS JUST A DREAM. 98 00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:50,933 - WERE YOU SMOKING? 99 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:55,667 - NO. SHH. GO BACK TO SLEEP. 100 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:58,033 YOU'RE FLYING. 101 00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:07,633 - [sniffing] 102 00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:12,700 - WILL YA--WILL YA STOP SMELLING ME? 103 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,133 - WAIT! 104 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:16,800 HEY! 105 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,167 TELL ME THE TRUTH! 106 00:06:18,167 --> 00:06:19,600 DO YOU SMOKE? 107 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,567 - SHH! PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING, 108 00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,900 AND YOU'RE BEING VERY INCONSIDERATE. 109 00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:26,233 - WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE? 110 00:06:26,233 --> 00:06:28,667 - YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID? YOU WOKE UP AN OLD LADY. 111 00:06:32,067 --> 00:06:33,300 - ROBERT WAS SMOKING. 112 00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,600 - I WASN'T. I WASN'T! 113 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:36,433 - SMELL HIM. 114 00:06:36,433 --> 00:06:39,467 - COME HERE. COME HERE. 115 00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,600 OH, MY GOD! 116 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,000 - OW! 117 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,033 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 118 00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:50,600 - SOMEBODY BETTER BE DEAD OR DYING. 119 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,833 - SMACK HIM, FRANK. 120 00:06:51,833 --> 00:06:53,467 - OW! 121 00:06:53,467 --> 00:06:55,133 - CAN I GO BACK TO BED NOW? 122 00:06:55,133 --> 00:06:56,800 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING? 123 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,233 SMELL HIM. 124 00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:02,033 NO, NOT THERE! 125 00:07:02,033 --> 00:07:04,833 HIS SHIRT! 126 00:07:04,833 --> 00:07:07,033 - ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT! 127 00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:08,667 - HE'S BEEN SMOKING! 128 00:07:10,833 --> 00:07:12,800 - ALL RIGHT! 129 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:17,000 I DID IT JUST ONCE, OKAY? JUST ONE TIME! 130 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,100 - WHY? 131 00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,933 - ALL RIGHT, THERE WAS... 132 00:07:19,933 --> 00:07:23,733 THIS NEW GUY AT WORK WHO SMOKES, AND HE'S-- 133 00:07:23,733 --> 00:07:27,033 AND HE'S REALLY POPULAR, AND I JUST WANTED TO FIT IN. 134 00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:34,867 BUT I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT. IT MADE ME THROW UP. 135 00:07:34,867 --> 00:07:37,200 - NO MORE LYING. YOU'RE A SMOKER! 136 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,400 - IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? 137 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:42,700 - EVERYTHING'S HORRIBLE! ROBERT SMOKES! 138 00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:44,600 - NO! 139 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:48,167 - DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SMOKING CAN STUNT YOUR GROWTH? 140 00:07:52,233 --> 00:07:54,500 - YOU KNOW, I AM NOT ONLY THE VICE PRINCIPAL 141 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:58,600 AT COOPER JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, I AM ALSO THE HEALTH ED TEACHER. 142 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:02,367 - GOOD. TELL HIM HOW BAD SMOKING IS. 143 00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,933 - WHEN ANY FACULTY MEMBER BRINGS ME A YOUNGSTER 144 00:08:04,933 --> 00:08:06,467 WHO THEY'VE CAUGHT SMOKING, 145 00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:07,933 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FIRST THING IS 146 00:08:07,933 --> 00:08:09,233 THAT I ASK THEM? 147 00:08:09,233 --> 00:08:12,633 "WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK POISON?" 148 00:08:12,633 --> 00:08:15,567 WELL, MR. BARONE, I'LL ASK YOU THE SAME THING. 149 00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:18,367 WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK POISON? 150 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,300 - DO YOU HAVE ANY? 151 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:33,267 - JOKES. FUNNY BUSINESS. 152 00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,667 IT'S WHAT I GET FROM MY 12-YEAR-OLDS, 153 00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:37,067 AND I GUESS IT'S WHAT I'LL GET FROM YOU AS WELL. 154 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,500 CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS, MOTHER? 155 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:43,067 - WAIT. 156 00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:44,400 ROBERT... 157 00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:51,767 I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. 158 00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:30,667 - HEY, PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON! 159 00:09:33,033 --> 00:09:34,500 - WHERE'S EVERYBODY ELSE, ROBERT? 160 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:35,833 - OH, THEY'LL BE OVER SOON. 161 00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:37,433 I JUST HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE. 162 00:09:37,433 --> 00:09:39,267 MOM HASN'T HIT ME THIS HARD SINCE I WAS TWELVE 163 00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:43,100 AND SHE FOUND ME USING HER BRA AS A SLINGSHOT. 164 00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:48,800 - YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMOKING? 165 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:49,667 - I DON'T KNOW. 166 00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,967 - I MEAN, UGH. IT'S SO GROSS. 167 00:09:50,967 --> 00:09:51,800 - OKAY. 168 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,000 - WHAT DO YOU THINK, IT MAKES YOU LOOK HIP, 169 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,000 THE SMOKING? 170 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,300 - NO. 171 00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:58,267 - PROBABLY LOOKS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN BLEW A FUSE. 172 00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:03,833 - I DON'T SMOKE, ALL RIGHT? 173 00:10:03,833 --> 00:10:05,133 I DID IT ONE TIME, 174 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:06,600 AND IT WAS JUST SO I COULD GET CLOSER TO-- 175 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:10,767 - WHO? CLOSER TO WHO? 176 00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:12,600 - NO ONE. 177 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,933 ALTHOUGH SHE DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK UP FOR ME. 178 00:10:14,933 --> 00:10:17,700 - SHE? WHO'S "SHE"? 179 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,233 MARIE? - NO. 180 00:10:19,233 --> 00:10:20,600 - AMY? - NO. 181 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,400 - NOT PAT. 182 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,033 PAT? 183 00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:27,533 NO! 184 00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:28,833 - PAT SMOKES? 185 00:10:28,833 --> 00:10:30,800 - I CAUGHT HER OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT, OKAY? 186 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:32,600 BUT DON'T SAY ANYTHING! NOBODY KNOWS. 187 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,433 - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, YOU WERE SMOKING WITH PAT, 188 00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:39,000 AND YOU GOT IN TROUBLE, AND SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING? 189 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,500 - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 190 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:41,900 - OHH, YOU'RE NOT THE SMOKER? 191 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:45,100 I HAD SO MANY MORE NAMES FOR YA. 192 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:49,100 SMOKEY THE BEAR, H.R. PUFNSTUF... 193 00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:51,067 TOWERING INFERNO! 194 00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:56,967 - OKAY, BIRTHDAY TIME. 195 00:10:56,967 --> 00:10:59,767 - AW, GREAT, THEY'RE HERE. 196 00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:01,367 - HEY, ROBERT... 197 00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:03,767 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COOL. 198 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,633 - HEY, PAT. 199 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:15,633 THIS IS KINDA CRAZY OVER THERE TODAY, HUH? 200 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:18,100 - YES, BUT I THINK IT'LL BLOW OVER SOON, 201 00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:20,033 AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. 202 00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:21,767 - YEAH, I GUESS. 203 00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,967 IT'S TOO BAD ABOUT ROBERT, THOUGH. 204 00:11:23,967 --> 00:11:25,567 HE'S SUCH A GOOD GUY. 205 00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:27,567 - YEAH, WELL, NOW IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS, THOUGH, 206 00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:33,433 SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY... NOT TALK. 207 00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:34,967 - I MEAN, HE'S JUST SO SWEET, 208 00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:38,167 AND I KNOW HE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO BE CLOSER TO YOUR FAMILY. 209 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,367 - HE TOLD YOU I SMOKE, DIDN'T HE? 210 00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:44,900 - WHAT? 211 00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,767 WHAT? NO, NOOOO. 212 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,567 - YOU'RE A GOOD ACTOR, YOU'RE... 213 00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:56,033 SO BELIEVABLE. 214 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,300 - I DON'T BLAME ROBERT. 215 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,367 I PUT HIM IN AN AWFUL POSITION. 216 00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:09,200 BUT HANK AND THE KIDS CAN'T FIND OUT I SMOKE. 217 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:12,433 I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT HANK WOULD DO. 218 00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:16,000 HE HAS A JAR AT SCHOOL WITH A BLACK LUNG IN IT. 219 00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:21,033 - YOU KNOW, PAT, YOU HAVE GOT TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. 220 00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:22,367 THIS IS YOUR LIFE. 221 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,567 YOU NEED TO TELL HANK HOW YOU FEEL. 222 00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:27,033 - OR YOU COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANT IN YOUR OWN WAY, 223 00:12:27,033 --> 00:12:30,500 IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. 224 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,400 - I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT, DEBRA. - SO YOU'LL TALK TO HIM? 225 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,400 - OH, GOOD GRAVY, NO. 226 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,400 - AND I ALSO WORRY ABOUT OFFSPRING, ROBERT. 227 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:44,100 DID YOU KNOW THAT ADDICTION CAN BE AN HEREDITARY TRAIT? 228 00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:46,667 - MY GRANDCHILDREN! 229 00:12:49,233 --> 00:12:50,633 - YES, MARIE, AND WHAT KIND OF AN EXAMPLE 230 00:12:50,633 --> 00:12:53,400 DO YOU THINK YOU'LL SET FOR THEM, ROBERT? 231 00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:59,233 - HOPEFULLY GOOD TO...VERY GOOD. 232 00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:00,633 MOSTLY IN THAT RANGE. 233 00:13:00,633 --> 00:13:02,800 - HMM. 234 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:03,667 - THE TRUTH IS, AMY, 235 00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:05,933 NONE OF THIS SURPRISES MOTHER AND ME. 236 00:13:05,933 --> 00:13:09,167 SADLY, WE'VE COME TO EXPECT THIS SORT OF THING. 237 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,433 - HE'S A RENEGADE COP 238 00:13:13,433 --> 00:13:17,033 WHO PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES. 239 00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:20,067 PEEUWWW! 240 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,500 - YOU KNOW, ROBERT, 241 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:25,200 WE WENT TO A GREAT EFFORT TO TRY TO GET CLOSER TO YOU, 242 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,067 BUT I CAN'T SEE HOW THAT CAN HAPPEN 243 00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,567 WITH YOU BEHAVING THIS WAY. 244 00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:30,700 - PAT'S THE ONE WHO SMOKES! 245 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:32,067 [all gasp] 246 00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,667 GREAT. I'VE BECOME YOU. 247 00:13:36,967 --> 00:13:38,867 - WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING, RAYMOND? 248 00:13:38,867 --> 00:13:39,833 - HANK, HANK-- 249 00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:41,833 - PAT, PLEASE, I'M DEFENDING YOUR HONOR. 250 00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:44,300 I WON'T ALLOW YOU TO DRAG MY FAMILY 251 00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,900 INTO THE MUCK AND MUD ANYMORE. 252 00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,333 - I SMOKE! 253 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,800 - MOM? 254 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,733 - [baby voice] MAMA? 255 00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:04,400 - DON'T BE SILLY. 256 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,167 - ROBERT FOUND ME SMOKING LAST NIGHT, 257 00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:09,400 AND TO BE CLOSER TO ME-- TO US-- 258 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,133 HE PRETENDED THAT HE SMOKED, 259 00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:14,000 WHICH WAS VERY SWEET, 260 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,900 BUT A LITTLE MISGUIDED. 261 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,667 - OH, ROBERT. 262 00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:24,133 - SO SUDDENLY PAT'S A HERO. 263 00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:27,133 HOW ABOUT IF I SMOKE "THE POT"? 264 00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:31,167 WOULD YOU BE CLOSER TO ME THEN? 265 00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:33,100 - HOW LONG HAVE YOU SMOKED? 266 00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:34,767 - TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS. 267 00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:37,767 - OHH, MY GOD! 268 00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:39,167 - I'M SORRY, HANK. 269 00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:40,633 - SMOKING! 270 00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:44,733 SMOKING! IT'S LIKE YOU NEVER LISTENED TO A WORD I SAID! 271 00:14:44,733 --> 00:14:46,900 - OH, HANK, I LISTEN TO YOU ALL THE TIME, 272 00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:50,033 AND IT'S HARD, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO... 273 00:14:50,033 --> 00:14:52,633 OVERLY CERTAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING. 274 00:14:52,633 --> 00:14:56,300 - YOU MEAN LIKE "SMOKING IS BAD"? 275 00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:59,733 WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK POISON? 276 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,633 - I HAVE TO TELL YOU, HANK, 277 00:15:05,633 --> 00:15:08,300 I DON'T LIKE THAT TONE OF VOICE. 278 00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:11,533 AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE-- 279 00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:14,433 I THINK YOU'RE THE REASON I SMOKE. 280 00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:20,300 NOW, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, HANK, 281 00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:23,000 BUT I THINK IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY CIGARETTES, 282 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,200 I WOULD HAVE TO FIGHT YOU. 283 00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:37,033 MY GOODNESS, THAT FELT GOOD TO SAY. 284 00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:39,000 THANK YOU, DEBRA. 285 00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:45,100 - "THANK YOU, DEBRA"? 286 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,233 - YOU'RE WELCOME. 287 00:15:58,133 --> 00:16:00,900 - IT'S NOT JUST THE SMOKING THAT BOTHERS ME. 288 00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:01,967 IT'S YOUR DECEPTION. 289 00:16:01,967 --> 00:16:05,033 EVERY TIME YOU'VE SMOKED, YOU'VE LIED TO ME. 290 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:10,000 - ROBERT, I APOLOGIZE TO YOU. 291 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,000 - OH--DADDY, WAIT! - YEAH, PLEASE. 292 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,433 LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET, 293 00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:16,867 BUT I THINK WHAT YOUR WIFE DID IS ACTUALLY PRETTY COMMON 294 00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:19,800 BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLES. 295 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:20,867 IT WASN'T LYING. 296 00:16:20,867 --> 00:16:23,633 IT WAS MORE LIKE SHE WAS JUST LETTING OFF STEAM 297 00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:26,267 SO YOU DON'T LET IT OUT ON THE PERSON YOU LOVE. 298 00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:29,267 YOU KNOW? LIKE RAY. 299 00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:32,067 HE HAS TO DRIVE AROUND THE BLOCK A FEW TIMES EVERY NIGHT 300 00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:33,167 LISTENING TO THE RADIO 301 00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,533 BEFORE HE GOES HOME TO FACE DEBRA. 302 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,700 - ARE YA CRAZY? 303 00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:56,367 [scoffs] 304 00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:57,900 I DON'T--I--THIS-- 305 00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,833 - ALL RIGHT, SAVE IT, RAY. 306 00:16:59,833 --> 00:17:02,567 YOU DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN YOU CIRCLING THE BLOCK, 307 00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:04,067 ALL HUNCHED OVER, 308 00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,167 JUST A BIG NOSE 309 00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:08,667 AND A STEERING WHEEL GOING AROUND? 310 00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:12,200 - SO YOU KNOW AND YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING? 311 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,467 - NO, I KNOW, AND I GET MAD, 312 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,767 AND THAT'S WHY AFTER YOU LEAVE, I EAT CHOCOLATE ALL DAY 313 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:19,133 UNTIL YOU GET HOME. 314 00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:22,200 - THAT'S A LOT OF SUGAR, DEBRA. 315 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:29,000 - IS THAT IN ADDITION TO THE DRINKING? 316 00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,067 - YOU KNOW, I REALIZE THAT I'M NOT MARRIED, 317 00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:40,233 BUT I DO SECRET THINGS TOO. 318 00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:43,233 - WE BELIEVE YOU, PETEY. EAT YOUR CHIPS. 319 00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:46,033 - LIKE WHEN I'M ANGRY AT MY CAT "MISS PUSS," 320 00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:48,033 SOMETIMES I'LL SNEAK UP BEHIND HER 321 00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:51,300 AND BARK LIKE A DOG. 322 00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:54,167 THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS SCAR. 323 00:17:56,967 --> 00:17:58,433 - PAT! 324 00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:04,700 - I THOUGHT SINCE IT WASN'T A SECRET ANYMORE... 325 00:18:14,667 --> 00:18:16,267 OKAY. 326 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:23,300 - DAD, DON'T BE SO ANGRY. 327 00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:25,433 EVERYBODY HAS THEIR LITTLE WAYS OF COPING 328 00:18:25,433 --> 00:18:27,600 IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP, EVEN ME. 329 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,233 - OF COURSE. 330 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:32,167 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU? 331 00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:35,400 - WELL, IT'S NOTHING. JUST... 332 00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:40,633 YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH 333 00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:44,900 IN THE HOLDER ALWAYS FACING TO THE RIGHT? 334 00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:47,800 - YEAH, EAST. 335 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,700 - I KNOW, EAST. 336 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:53,867 SO SOMETIMES... I DON'T KNOW WHY... 337 00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:57,367 I TURN IT... 338 00:18:57,367 --> 00:19:00,167 WEST. 339 00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:02,033 - THAT'S YOU? 340 00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:06,567 - I LIKE TO BLOW UP FIREWORKS. 341 00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:14,233 - WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, HANK? 342 00:19:14,233 --> 00:19:15,467 - THAT'S RIGHT. 343 00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:18,100 DO YOU THINK YOU'RE EASY TO LIVE WITH ALL THE TIME, PAT? 344 00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:20,200 SO SKITTISH AND FAINT-HEARTED 345 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,433 AND "OH, MY..." 346 00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:28,700 AND LAST YEAR I CAUGHT A STUDENT WITH FIREWORKS... 347 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:32,200 AND THEY WERE STILL IN MY BRIEFCASE WHEN I GOT HOME. 348 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,067 YOU WERE ON THE COUCH RECUPERATING 349 00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:37,467 FROM YOUR TRIP TO THE GROCERY STORE. 350 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:41,400 I WANTED TO TELL YOU TO JUST GET OVER IT. 351 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,200 INSTEAD, I TOOK THE FIREWORKS INTO THE WOODS 352 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,600 AND I BLEW THEM UP. 353 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,733 AND I LIKED IT. 354 00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:50,167 SO I GOT MORE. 355 00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:53,133 I HAD TO DRIVE TO WEST VIRGINIA. 356 00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:56,000 BUT IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ABLE TO REALLY 357 00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,267 MAKE SOME GOSH-DARN NOISE. 358 00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:02,533 - SO WHEN YOU GO ON YOUR NATURE WALKS-- 359 00:20:02,533 --> 00:20:03,667 - THAT'S RIGHT. 360 00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:07,400 I BLOW UP NATURE. 361 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,567 BOOM!!! 362 00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,200 -[chuckling] I'M SORRY, 363 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,667 I KNOW NONE OF THIS IS FUNNY, 364 00:20:15,667 --> 00:20:18,567 EXCEPT THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ALL HAVE TO RESORT 365 00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:21,633 TO THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR TO DEAL WITH YOUR SPOUSES. 366 00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:25,000 - YOU'RE ALL NUTS. 367 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,700 - YOU'RE LAUGHIN' AT US? YOU TWO? 368 00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:32,267 - HEY, IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MARIE, 369 00:20:32,267 --> 00:20:34,100 I DON'T DO ANYTHING BEHIND HER BACK. 370 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,333 I JUST TURN TO HER AND SAY, 371 00:20:36,333 --> 00:20:41,767 "EXCUSE ME, DARLING. PUT A SOCK IN IT." 372 00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,033 - AND I DO THE SAME THING. 373 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:47,867 IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO HOLD IN ALL THOSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS. 374 00:20:47,867 --> 00:20:51,067 - AND YOU TWO ARE HEALTHY? 375 00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:53,067 - DO WE SMOKE? 376 00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:54,833 OR PLAY WITH GUN POWDER? 377 00:20:54,833 --> 00:20:57,100 OR BARK AT THE CAT? 378 00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:06,600 - WHO WANTS SOME LOUSY CAKE? - YEAH. 379 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,167 [all agree] 380 00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:10,767 - I'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO LIGHT THE CANDLES. 381 00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:13,000 - OH, I GOT IT. 382 00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:21,267 IT MUST BE OUT OF FLUID. 383 00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:23,633 - HERE, I'VE GOT SOME MATCHES. 384 00:21:32,467 --> 00:21:34,433 YOU KNOW, IF THAT CAKE REALLY IS LOUSY, 385 00:21:34,433 --> 00:21:36,733 WE COULD JUST BLOW IT UP.