- HI! - HELLO, SWEETIE.
THERE'S YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT,
BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN IT TILL TOMORROW.
- WELCOME, MOM- AND DAD-IN-LAW.
- [low-key] HELLO, ROBERT.
[joyously] HELLO, RAYMOND!
- HEY.
HOW YA DOIN'?
- PAT, I REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN
YOU AND RAYMOND HAD DOING THAT PUZZLE LAST YEAR,
SO I BOUGHT ONE.
"THE TEN COMMANDMENTS."
ALL OF WHICH I LOVE, BY THE WAY,
NOT A STINKER AMONG 'EM.
- ACTUALLY, WE'VE ALREADY DONE THAT PUZZLE.
- DAMN!
- GUESS I GOTTA WORK ON THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.
- SO, MOM, DAD, YOU GUYS'LL BE SLEEPING IN OUR ROOM TONIGHT.
- YES, I THINK YOU'LL BE VERY COMFORTABLE IN OUR ROOM.
WE HAVE A GREAT BED. YOU'RE REALLY GONNA ENJOY IT.
NOT...ENJOY ENJOY.
SLEEP. ENJOYABLE SLEEP.
'CAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU'LL BE DOING, I'M SURE.
WHICH IS NOT TO SAY YOU CAN'T DO WHAT YOU WANT,
'CAUSE YOU CAN.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'LL BE BREAKING ANY COMMANDMENTS.
- IT'S LIKE YOUR MOUTH IS FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS.
- "ENJOY OUR BED."
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
OH, HI.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
WHAT, CAN'T SLEEP?
YEAH, ME NEITHER.
- YOUR MOM'S CACCIATORE WAS VERY SPICY.
- WOW!
- OH, ROBERT, PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE I SMOKE.
- N-N-NO, NO, I WON'T.
- IT'S MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.
I DON'T SMOKE A LOT, JUST THREE A DAY.
I'VE TRIED TO QUIT, BUT THEY'RE JUST SO--
- ADDICTIVE.
- I WAS GONNA SAY WONDERFULLY RELAXING.
- THAT TOO. YEAH.
SO NO ONE KNOWS? NOT HANK?
- OH, GOODNESS, NO.
- NOT EVEN...RAYMOND?
- NO.
- SO IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING,
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO KEEP IT HIDDEN?
- IT'S NOT EASY.
I BUY MY CIGARETTES TWO COUNTIES OVER
WHERE NO ONE KNOWS ME.
- BUT YOU NEVER SMELL LIKE SMOKE.
- I ONLY SMOKE OUTSIDE, I HOLD IT DOWNWIND,
AND I ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY OF MINTY CHEWING GUM.
IN FACT, HANK THINKS GUM-CHEWING IS MY BAD HABIT.
- INTERESTING.
- I APPRECIATE YOU BEIN' SO UNDERSTANDING, ROBERT.
- OH, SURE. OF--OF COURSE.
- I'VE KEPT IT HIDDEN SO LONG, IT'S KIND OF NICE
TO LET SOMEONE IN ON THE SECRET.
- WELL, I'M...
GLAD I CAN...
BE THAT SOMEONE.
- ME TOO.
- SO YOU...MIND IF I BUM A CIGGY?
- YOU WANT A CIGARETTE? BUT YOU DON'T SMOKE.
- OH, SURE, YOU KNOW,
AS A COP, IT HELPS TO HAVE A SMOKE EVERY SO OFTEN.
'CAUSE I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I SEE A LOT OF SICK THINGS EVERY DAY.
YOU KNOW, I ONCE FOUND A FOOT IN A MAILBOX.
- OH, MY.
- OH, YEAH, LUCKILY, WE CAUGHT THE GUY
'CAUSE THERE WAS A RETURN ADDRESS.
IT'S A COP JOKE.
- HERE YOU ARE.
- AH...
AH, GREAT, YEAH, THIS WILL HIT THE SPOT.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY NOW?
- I'M FINE. FINE.
LISTEN, I--I'M SORRY I LIED ABOUT ME SMOKING.
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YA,
I THINK I GOT A LITTLE TASTE FOR IT TONIGHT,
AND I JUST MIGHT PICK IT UP.
- ROBERT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW...
I HAD A VERY NICE TIME TALKING WITH YOU.
- ME TOO.
- OKAY.
AW.
GOOD NIGHT.
- 'NIGHT.
- HEY.
OH, SORRY, I WAS JUST GETTING A DRINK OF MILK.
- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
- NOTHING.
THIS IS JUST A DREAM.
- WERE YOU SMOKING?
- NO. SHH. GO BACK TO SLEEP.
YOU'RE FLYING.
- [sniffing]
- WILL YA--WILL YA STOP SMELLING ME?
- WAIT!
HEY!
TELL ME THE TRUTH!
DO YOU SMOKE?
- SHH! PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING,
AND YOU'RE BEING VERY INCONSIDERATE.
- WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?
- YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID? YOU WOKE UP AN OLD LADY.
- ROBERT WAS SMOKING.
- I WASN'T. I WASN'T!
- SMELL HIM.
- COME HERE. COME HERE.
OH, MY GOD!
- OW!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- SOMEBODY BETTER BE DEAD OR DYING.
- SMACK HIM, FRANK.
- OW!
- CAN I GO BACK TO BED NOW?
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING?
SMELL HIM.
NO, NOT THERE!
HIS SHIRT!
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT!
- HE'S BEEN SMOKING!
- ALL RIGHT!
I DID IT JUST ONCE, OKAY? JUST ONE TIME!
- WHY?
- ALL RIGHT, THERE WAS...
THIS NEW GUY AT WORK WHO SMOKES, AND HE'S--
AND HE'S REALLY POPULAR, AND I JUST WANTED TO FIT IN.
BUT I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT. IT MADE ME THROW UP.
- NO MORE LYING. YOU'RE A SMOKER!
- IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- EVERYTHING'S HORRIBLE! ROBERT SMOKES!
- NO!
- DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SMOKING CAN STUNT YOUR GROWTH?
- YOU KNOW, I AM NOT ONLY THE VICE PRINCIPAL
AT COOPER JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, I AM ALSO THE HEALTH ED TEACHER.
- GOOD. TELL HIM HOW BAD SMOKING IS.
- WHEN ANY FACULTY MEMBER BRINGS ME A YOUNGSTER
WHO THEY'VE CAUGHT SMOKING,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FIRST THING IS
THAT I ASK THEM?
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK POISON?"
WELL, MR. BARONE, I'LL ASK YOU THE SAME THING.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK POISON?
- DO YOU HAVE ANY?
- JOKES. FUNNY BUSINESS.
IT'S WHAT I GET FROM MY 12-YEAR-OLDS,
AND I GUESS IT'S WHAT I'LL GET FROM YOU AS WELL.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS, MOTHER?
- WAIT.
ROBERT...
I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
- HEY, PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON!
- WHERE'S EVERYBODY ELSE, ROBERT?
- OH, THEY'LL BE OVER SOON.
I JUST HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE.
MOM HASN'T HIT ME THIS HARD SINCE I WAS TWELVE
AND SHE FOUND ME USING HER BRA AS A SLINGSHOT.
- YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMOKING?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- I MEAN, UGH. IT'S SO GROSS.
- OKAY.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK, IT MAKES YOU LOOK HIP,
THE SMOKING?
- NO.
- PROBABLY LOOKS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN BLEW A FUSE.
- I DON'T SMOKE, ALL RIGHT?
I DID IT ONE TIME,
AND IT WAS JUST SO I COULD GET CLOSER TO--
- WHO? CLOSER TO WHO?
- NO ONE.
ALTHOUGH SHE DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK UP FOR ME.
- SHE? WHO'S "SHE"?
MARIE? - NO.
- AMY? - NO.
- NOT PAT.
PAT?
NO!
- PAT SMOKES?
- I CAUGHT HER OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT, OKAY?
BUT DON'T SAY ANYTHING! NOBODY KNOWS.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, YOU WERE SMOKING WITH PAT,
AND YOU GOT IN TROUBLE, AND SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- OHH, YOU'RE NOT THE SMOKER?
I HAD SO MANY MORE NAMES FOR YA.
SMOKEY THE BEAR, H.R. PUFNSTUF...
TOWERING INFERNO!
- OKAY, BIRTHDAY TIME.
- AW, GREAT, THEY'RE HERE.
- HEY, ROBERT...
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COOL.
- HEY, PAT.
THIS IS KINDA CRAZY OVER THERE TODAY, HUH?
- YES, BUT I THINK IT'LL BLOW OVER SOON,
AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
- YEAH, I GUESS.
IT'S TOO BAD ABOUT ROBERT, THOUGH.
HE'S SUCH A GOOD GUY.
- YEAH, WELL, NOW IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS, THOUGH,
SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY... NOT TALK.
- I MEAN, HE'S JUST SO SWEET,
AND I KNOW HE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO BE CLOSER TO YOUR FAMILY.
- HE TOLD YOU I SMOKE, DIDN'T HE?
- WHAT?
WHAT? NO, NOOOO.
- YOU'RE A GOOD ACTOR, YOU'RE...
SO BELIEVABLE.
- I DON'T BLAME ROBERT.
I PUT HIM IN AN AWFUL POSITION.
BUT HANK AND THE KIDS CAN'T FIND OUT I SMOKE.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT HANK WOULD DO.
HE HAS A JAR AT SCHOOL WITH A BLACK LUNG IN IT.
- YOU KNOW, PAT, YOU HAVE GOT TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
YOU NEED TO TELL HANK HOW YOU FEEL.
- OR YOU COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANT IN YOUR OWN WAY,
IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.
- I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT, DEBRA. - SO YOU'LL TALK TO HIM?
- OH, GOOD GRAVY, NO.
- AND I ALSO WORRY ABOUT OFFSPRING, ROBERT.
DID YOU KNOW THAT ADDICTION CAN BE AN HEREDITARY TRAIT?
- MY GRANDCHILDREN!
- YES, MARIE, AND WHAT KIND OF AN EXAMPLE
DO YOU THINK YOU'LL SET FOR THEM, ROBERT?
- HOPEFULLY GOOD TO...VERY GOOD.
MOSTLY IN THAT RANGE.
- HMM.
- THE TRUTH IS, AMY,
NONE OF THIS SURPRISES MOTHER AND ME.
SADLY, WE'VE COME TO EXPECT THIS SORT OF THING.
- HE'S A RENEGADE COP
WHO PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES.
PEEUWWW!
- YOU KNOW, ROBERT,
WE WENT TO A GREAT EFFORT TO TRY TO GET CLOSER TO YOU,
BUT I CAN'T SEE HOW THAT CAN HAPPEN
WITH YOU BEHAVING THIS WAY.
- PAT'S THE ONE WHO SMOKES!
[all gasp]
GREAT. I'VE BECOME YOU.
- WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING, RAYMOND?
- HANK, HANK--
- PAT, PLEASE, I'M DEFENDING YOUR HONOR.
I WON'T ALLOW YOU TO DRAG MY FAMILY
INTO THE MUCK AND MUD ANYMORE.
- I SMOKE!
- MOM?
- [baby voice] MAMA?
- DON'T BE SILLY.
- ROBERT FOUND ME SMOKING LAST NIGHT,
AND TO BE CLOSER TO ME-- TO US--
HE PRETENDED THAT HE SMOKED,
WHICH WAS VERY SWEET,
BUT A LITTLE MISGUIDED.
- OH, ROBERT.
- SO SUDDENLY PAT'S A HERO.
HOW ABOUT IF I SMOKE "THE POT"?
WOULD YOU BE CLOSER TO ME THEN?
- HOW LONG HAVE YOU SMOKED?
- TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS.
- OHH, MY GOD!
- I'M SORRY, HANK.
- SMOKING!
SMOKING! IT'S LIKE YOU NEVER LISTENED TO A WORD I SAID!
- OH, HANK, I LISTEN TO YOU ALL THE TIME,
AND IT'S HARD, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO...
OVERLY CERTAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING.
- YOU MEAN LIKE "SMOKING IS BAD"?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK POISON?
- I HAVE TO TELL YOU, HANK,
I DON'T LIKE THAT TONE OF VOICE.
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE--
I THINK YOU'RE THE REASON I SMOKE.
NOW, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, HANK,
BUT I THINK IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY CIGARETTES,
I WOULD HAVE TO FIGHT YOU.
MY GOODNESS, THAT FELT GOOD TO SAY.
THANK YOU, DEBRA.
- "THANK YOU, DEBRA"?
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- IT'S NOT JUST THE SMOKING THAT BOTHERS ME.
IT'S YOUR DECEPTION.
EVERY TIME YOU'VE SMOKED, YOU'VE LIED TO ME.
- ROBERT, I APOLOGIZE TO YOU.
- OH--DADDY, WAIT! - YEAH, PLEASE.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET,
BUT I THINK WHAT YOUR WIFE DID IS ACTUALLY PRETTY COMMON
BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLES.
IT WASN'T LYING.
IT WAS MORE LIKE SHE WAS JUST LETTING OFF STEAM
SO YOU DON'T LET IT OUT ON THE PERSON YOU LOVE.
YOU KNOW? LIKE RAY.
HE HAS TO DRIVE AROUND THE BLOCK A FEW TIMES EVERY NIGHT
LISTENING TO THE RADIO
BEFORE HE GOES HOME TO FACE DEBRA.
- ARE YA CRAZY?
[scoffs]
I DON'T--I--THIS--
- ALL RIGHT, SAVE IT, RAY.
YOU DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN YOU CIRCLING THE BLOCK,
ALL HUNCHED OVER,
JUST A BIG NOSE
AND A STEERING WHEEL GOING AROUND?
- SO YOU KNOW AND YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING?
- NO, I KNOW, AND I GET MAD,
AND THAT'S WHY AFTER YOU LEAVE, I EAT CHOCOLATE ALL DAY
UNTIL YOU GET HOME.
- THAT'S A LOT OF SUGAR, DEBRA.
- IS THAT IN ADDITION TO THE DRINKING?
- YOU KNOW, I REALIZE THAT I'M NOT MARRIED,
BUT I DO SECRET THINGS TOO.
- WE BELIEVE YOU, PETEY. EAT YOUR CHIPS.
- LIKE WHEN I'M ANGRY AT MY CAT "MISS PUSS,"
SOMETIMES I'LL SNEAK UP BEHIND HER
AND BARK LIKE A DOG.
THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS SCAR.
- PAT!
- I THOUGHT SINCE IT WASN'T A SECRET ANYMORE...
OKAY.
- DAD, DON'T BE SO ANGRY.
EVERYBODY HAS THEIR LITTLE WAYS OF COPING
IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP, EVEN ME.
- OF COURSE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU?
- WELL, IT'S NOTHING. JUST...
YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH
IN THE HOLDER ALWAYS FACING TO THE RIGHT?
- YEAH, EAST.
- I KNOW, EAST.
SO SOMETIMES... I DON'T KNOW WHY...
I TURN IT...
WEST.
- THAT'S YOU?
- I LIKE TO BLOW UP FIREWORKS.
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, HANK?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE EASY TO LIVE WITH ALL THE TIME, PAT?
SO SKITTISH AND FAINT-HEARTED
AND "OH, MY..."
AND LAST YEAR I CAUGHT A STUDENT WITH FIREWORKS...
AND THEY WERE STILL IN MY BRIEFCASE WHEN I GOT HOME.
YOU WERE ON THE COUCH RECUPERATING
FROM YOUR TRIP TO THE GROCERY STORE.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU TO JUST GET OVER IT.
INSTEAD, I TOOK THE FIREWORKS INTO THE WOODS
AND I BLEW THEM UP.
AND I LIKED IT.
SO I GOT MORE.
I HAD TO DRIVE TO WEST VIRGINIA.
BUT IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ABLE TO REALLY
MAKE SOME GOSH-DARN NOISE.
- SO WHEN YOU GO ON YOUR NATURE WALKS--
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I BLOW UP NATURE.
BOOM!!!
-[chuckling] I'M SORRY,
I KNOW NONE OF THIS IS FUNNY,
EXCEPT THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ALL HAVE TO RESORT
TO THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR TO DEAL WITH YOUR SPOUSES.
- YOU'RE ALL NUTS.
- YOU'RE LAUGHIN' AT US? YOU TWO?
- HEY, IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MARIE,
I DON'T DO ANYTHING BEHIND HER BACK.
I JUST TURN TO HER AND SAY,
"EXCUSE ME, DARLING. PUT A SOCK IN IT."
- AND I DO THE SAME THING.
IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO HOLD IN ALL THOSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS.
- AND YOU TWO ARE HEALTHY?
- DO WE SMOKE?
OR PLAY WITH GUN POWDER?
OR BARK AT THE CAT?
- WHO WANTS SOME LOUSY CAKE? - YEAH.
[all agree]
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO LIGHT THE CANDLES.
- OH, I GOT IT.
IT MUST BE OUT OF FLUID.
- HERE, I'VE GOT SOME MATCHES.
YOU KNOW, IF THAT CAKE REALLY IS LOUSY,
WE COULD JUST BLOW IT UP.