1
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,473
Horatio.

2
00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:11,710
Emma. What are you doing here?

3
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,440
I couldn't bear to let you go
without saying goodbye.

4
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,875
You shouldn't have come, Emma.
People will talk.

5
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,919
Let them talk.
I'm tired of hiding our love away.

6
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,879
- I'm not ashamed of how I feel.
- Neither am I.

7
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,076
But we both know we shouldn't be together.

8
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,676
- Shouldn't? Who says we shouldn't?
- My conscience.

9
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,911
My conscience tells me
everything I feel for you is wrong.

10
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,111
But my heart, my heart says...

11
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,591
I can't live without you.

12
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,398
- Promise me you'll return.
- I promise.

13
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,233
Because if Napoleon doesn't kill me,

14
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,517
then being away from you surely will.

15
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,395
Cut! Yeah, brilliant, thank you.

16
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,077
- Could you see me?
- Yeah, definitely.

17
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:09,710
Excellent. We'll get out
before that fat little extra gets his face in.

18
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:13,709
Okay.

19
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,513
DIRECTOR: Rest the guys for 10 minutes.

20
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,513
That's correct. Yeah, great.

21
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,398
We're moving on to 37.

22
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,079
Hey. Who are we using
for the girl by the carriage?

23
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,992
We thought this one.

24
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:43,756
No, I said I needed some decent tits
and they're...rubbish.

25
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:49,594
Well, I could maybe pad them up a bit.
Or just sort of, like, push them...

26
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,876
- You could use these.
- Bingo.

27
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,078
Bingo these in half an hour
after I've had a wee fiddle with them.

28
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,596
- I just need to squeeze them.
- Well, work on them over lunch, yeah?

29
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,877
Because at the moment
they're just, urgh, nothing.

30
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,076
- Okay.
- Good.

31
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,992
Would it be easier just to use these?

32
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:10,597
We made a decision to use mine, so can we
just go with these? If I just squeeze them...

33
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,512
It would be less work.

34
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,150
You've got padding at the bottom of them.
Can I get some padding?

35
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:22,030
MAGGIE: This cow's like,
she's like sticking her tits in his face

36
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,909
and I'm saying, "He said he wanted to use
my tits. Can we just go with my tits, please?"

37
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,957
I think Meryl Streep
went through a similar thing.

38
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,032
- I know it's not important but...
- It is important.

39
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,760
I remember Laurence Olivier
having a rant in Richard III

40
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,434
because they wanted to use
stunt testicles and he said,

41
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,717
"Listen, these gonads are going to be seen
because they went to RADA.

42
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,633
"You either use the Lord Olivier plums
or nothing at all."

43
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,074
Next.

44
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,913
Ahh... And what do you recommend,
my good man?

45
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,433
- Chicken's the warmest.
- Is it? I'll have that, then.

46
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,029
Chicken.

47
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,436
Your heart's not in this, is it?

48
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,114
Although one of your pubes is, I see.

49
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,311
- Straight in there like that, no messing.
- It's not a pube, it's a dog hair.

50
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,233
It's all right, it's not a pube,
it's a dog hair, everyone.

51
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,914
I thought it was a pube.
It's not, it's just a dog hair.

52
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:19,392
If you do get a hair in there, he just
gets it out with his big sausage fingers.

53
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,196
- I don't know why I do this.
- What?

54
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,069
All this. "Oh, we'll cut before
the fat bloke gets his face in shot."

55
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,676
It's just absolutely demeaning.
I don't know why I put myself through it.

56
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,990
- Because you're an actor.
- This isn't acting.

57
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,469
Getting the back of your head
or your arm in a shot.

58
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,757
And bloody Ross Kemp in every scene,
he gets all the lines.

59
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,195
Do you know what I mean?
Why is he the star and not me?

60
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,749
There but for the grace of God go I.
And it's just... What?

61
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,399
-It's not quite.
- Well, it is.

62
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,073
It's not just luck, is it?

63
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,913
- Why not? We're about the same age...
- No, he's younger than you.

64
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,150
- No, he's not. We're about the same age.
- Is he?

65
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,880
- Yeah.
- He looks a lot younger than you.

66
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,076
You're having a laugh.
He hasn't got any hair.

67
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,800
He's meant to look like that.
He's shaved it all off.

68
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,030
It's like cool, it's like Vin Diesel.

69
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,430
Vin Diesel?
Sorry, are we looking at the same bloke?

70
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:10,390
Have another look, right. Look at him there.
He looks more like Zippy from Rainbow.

71
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:11,800
(MIMICKING ZIPPY) Hello!

72
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,714
Bungle, what are you doing
in the Queen Vic, Bungle?

73
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,555
Phil, why did you sleep with my wife?
Look, look.

74
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,479
Vin Diesel hasn't got
a perfectly round little head

75
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,029
that opens and shuts like Pac-Man, look at it.

76
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,600
- He's got less chins than you as well.
- One chin, one chin each.

77
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,399
- Yeah, but yours is growing another one.
- Shut up.

78
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,949
In five years' time,
he's still going to look pretty rugged

79
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:40,240
-and you're just going to look like a pelican.
- A pelican? Good, nice one.

80
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,191
- What you looking at?
- Nothing.

81
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,839
Well, obviously him.

82
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,036
- Husband material?
- Could be.

83
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,272
- What are you basing it on this time?
- Don't know but look at him.

84
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,193
He's all dashing and handsome in his green.

85
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,558
Why do men not dress like that nowadays?

86
00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,075
Because they'd get beaten up on the Tube.

87
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,795
- All right?
- All right, Greg.

88
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,318
-Indeed I am.
- Good.

89
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,389
I'm actually working across the way,
Studio H, the big one.

90
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,359
Doing a film with Mr Vinnie Jones.

91
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,115
So, actually, just learning a few lines
I've got to do with him later.

92
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,350
- Lines?
- Yes, indeed.

93
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,074
Well done.

94
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,470
So what's your part in this epic, then?

95
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,551
The fourth seaman from the left or...

96
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,119
Hardly.

97
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,238
You got something a bit more...
Bit meatier, bit more substantial.

98
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,312
You got a speaking part or a... No?

99
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,595
Not in this one, no.

100
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,559
- Seriously, how do you survive?
- Don't worry about it, really.

101
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,280
- Digging into the savings?
- Not really.

102
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,239
The pile diminishes, does it?
Gotta get some work soon.

103
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,675
- Gotta get some work soon.
- Working all the time, mate.

104
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,592
- Don't worry about it.
- Sort of.

105
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,796
Are your parents still sending you money?

106
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,430
Well, yeah. Either that or I,
you know, threaten to sign on.

107
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,911
And lo! The cheque doth cometh in the post.

108
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,957
-It keeps the wolf from the door.
- Good.

109
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,714
How is the door of the house
your parents bought you, is that all right?

110
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,154
- Yes, it's fine.
- Good.

111
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,358
- Look, I've got lines to learn.
- Thanks for coming over and sharing that.

112
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,159
- Seriously, mate, something will crop up.
- Don't worry about it.

113
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,072
Don't worry about it, mate.
Worry about yourself.

114
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,355
- Stiff upper lip.
- Yes.

115
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,671
- And other clichés too numerous to mention.
-Don't mention them then.

116
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,036
- See you later, mate.
- Cheers, mate.

117
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,952
Tosser. Not you.

118
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,833
Excuse me. Do you mind
if I go in front of you, please?

119
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,070
- What?
- Can I go before you?

120
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,913
- Why?
- I've got a little bit of a stomach upset.

121
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,399
Oh, okay.

122
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:15,995
- Hello.
- Hi.

123
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,072
I think she wants to go in front of you,
she's got diarrhoea.

124
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,878
Don't want it exploding everywhere. Messy.

125
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,314
Thank you.

126
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,757
Saw you looking.

127
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,070
Thought I'd better get it out of the way.

128
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,474
Yeah, it is me.

129
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:50,559
Hi, I'm Andy.

130
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,879
- How you doing?
- Oh!

131
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,598
- Sorry, did that hurt?
- No...

132
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:58,639
Good. I was worried I might have hurt you.
Don't know my own strength sometimes.

133
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,600
If I had meant to hurt you, you wouldn't
have any ribs left so you got off lightly.

134
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,115
- Let's leave it there.
- Okay.

135
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,755
You know, I love playing military parts.

136
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,276
Well, as you know, I was in the SAS.

137
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,038
No. I knew you did that TV show
about the SAS.

138
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,871
Yeah, but how did I know
how to do all that shit in it?

139
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,711
I assumed you had consultants and stuff.

140
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,519
If that's what you believe,
then that's what you believe.

141
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,513
All right, I wasn't in the SAS
for six months and they didn't say,

142
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,830
"Ross, why don't you give up
this acting lark?

143
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,799
"We could really do with you
in Afghanistan."

144
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,518
- Did they?
- Couldn't say.

145
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,911
All I know is, if I do get into a fight,
I'd better have an escape route

146
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:44,312
because I don't want to go to prison
for murder, because that's what it would be.

147
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,074
Because my body is a lethal weapon.

148
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,711
And me in prison, face like this.

149
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,279
Pretty boy.

150
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,600
I'd be in the shower just lathering up,

151
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,672
a couple of guys would come in
wanting a bit of Kemp arse.

152
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,751
I'd see them in the mirror and...

153
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,435
What I'm saying is,
you'd best not get into a fight with me.

154
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,434
Sure.

155
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,193
Or a conversation.

156
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,038
What do you do when you're not doing this?
What's your day job?

157
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,111
I work in a pub.

158
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,397
- What about you?
- I do this full time. I'm an actor.

159
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,835
- You do this full time?
- Yeah, yeah.

160
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,672
Like most actors, I act full time.

161
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,116
Yeah, but this isn't really acting, is it?
I mean, this is extra work.

162
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,874
Well, no, supporting artist work, innit?

163
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,112
But it's just, this is just pocket money.
I am actually an actor.

164
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,670
Right. I was gonna say 'cause you can't
really make a living from being an extra.

165
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:47,909
No.

166
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,073
No, but he used to have a proper job.
He used to... He owns his own house.

167
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,232
Doesn't have to pay a mortgage
so he can afford to live on a pittance.

168
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,312
I don't live on a pittance, though, do I?
People pay me to act so...

169
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,710
- Yeah, you say you're an actor.
- Yeah, I do.

170
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,837
- But what have you actually acted in?
- I've appeared...

171
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,675
I mean proper acting, not walking in
the background. I mean, actually speaking.

172
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,354
- I know.
- Well?

173
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,438
- What, you want me to...
- Yeah.

174
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:13,555
Okay.

175
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,230
- My Family, the Robert Lindsay sitcom.
- Really?

176
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,392
Yeah, it was just a thing,
sort of a scene on the bus

177
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,312
and the bus conductor come along

178
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,438
and, "Tickets please," and I just went,
"Yeah, sure, no problem."

179
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,319
- Did you?
- Yes.

180
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,078
- That was the line?
- Yeah.

181
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,833
He comes along and goes, "Tickets please,"

182
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,593
and I go, "Yeah, no problem. mate,
there you go."

183
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:36,240
So if I got that episode and watched it,
that's what I'd see you say,

184
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,436
-"Sure, no problem."
- Well, yeah.

185
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,557
(MUMBLES) "...there you go."

186
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,200
Well, I didn't... What was that?
What's the line?

187
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,396
- What's the problem?
- What is the line?

188
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,232
The conductor wants the ticket,
I'm showing him it.

189
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,072
And what do you say?

190
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,958
He asks for my ticket.

191
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,872
- Yeah.
- And I go...

192
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:57,033
I can't hear what you're saying.
No, let's do it like it is actually on the screen.

193
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,431
I'll be the bus driver, okay,
and you just be you, all right?

194
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,955
Tickets please, can I see your tickets please?

195
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,910
I can't hear anything.
No one can hear anything.

196
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,118
-It was years ago.
- But that's not proper acting.

197
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,396
- What is it, then?
- I can tell you what acting is.

198
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,677
- I can tell you what I've acted in...
- Not interested.

199
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,196
I've acted in, and I'm talking proper
speaking parts, in Emmerdale,

200
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,839
- Silent Witness.
- Silent Witness?

201
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,399
- Silent Witness.
- Shh!

202
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,230
I was a narc in The Bill,
that was a recurring character,

203
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,551
that was three episodes
and really good lines of dialogue.

204
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,790
You haven't even been in The Bill, have you?

205
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,394
- I don't want to be in The Bill.
- You haven't even been in The Bill?

206
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,198
Listen, I don't want to be in The Bill.

207
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,476
- Have you ever been in Casualty?
- Yeah.

208
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,269
- The TV show Casualty?
- Well, no, but... No.

209
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,078
Right, this is the deal.

210
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,879
You've been my agent
now for, what, five years?

211
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,316
And you're not getting me
any real acting work.

212
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,199
- Nothing's coming in.
- Nothing's coming in. In five years?

213
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,396
That's the problem.
I'm as annoyed as you are.

214
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,439
But I'm not sure there's a demand for,
you know, little 45-year-old blokes.

215
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,555
43.

216
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,871
Whatever. You know, I wonder,
are you sure you want to be an actor?

217
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:25,158
You've given it five years, nothing's come in.
Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel.

218
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,436
My agent, ladies and gentlemen. My agent.

219
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,638
- Look... Hello, mate, all right?
- Sorry to interrupt.

220
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,439
- That's all right. Do you know Barry?
- All right, Shaun. How's it going?

221
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,592
I'm working with a friend of yours
at the moment, Ross Kemp.

222
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,159
- How is he?
- Yeah, good.

223
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,517
I wouldn't mention Ross' name round here.
Ross is sort of mud with Barry

224
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,877
because it was Ross that persuaded
Barry to leave EastEnders.

225
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,759
Ross leaves, he goes to ITV.
He says it's a million pounds or nothing.

226
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,353
They give him a million pound contract.

227
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:54,229
So I go with Barry and say we want a million
pounds or nothing, they chose nothing.

228
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,790
They went with the nothing option that time,
didn't they?

229
00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:01,396
You were upset, weren't you? Depressed.
Couldn't get out of bed for two weeks.

230
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,391
I was livid and looking back,
what I should have done is,

231
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,472
I shouldn't have given them
the nothing option. I should have said,

232
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,552
"We want a million pounds or we want £500,"

233
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,358
and that way we'd have
definitely got something.

234
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,078
- £500?
- Exactly, this is it.

235
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,551
- But live and learn, don't you?
- This isn't living though, is it?

236
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,314
Don't start that again.
I've got loads of stuff for you.

237
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,595
Like what?

238
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:24,150
There's a light flickering in the gents.
Could you have a tinker with that?

239
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,913
Yeah, I could do that.

240
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,470
Could I use your computer later?
I've just got to get the new CV knocked up.

241
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,551
Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out.

242
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,996
- Well, see you.
- All right, then. Cheers, B.

243
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,749
Sorry, the reason I'm here is
I want to know what your plan of action is.

244
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,672
What's your strategy?
What is your business plan?

245
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,071
My plan is when you get some work,
then I can start making some money.

246
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,595
Because what I'm no good at is,
you know, breaking an act.

247
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:54,036
So when I'm successful, you can deduct
12 and a half percent, no problem.

248
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,191
15 for adverts.
That's what I'm hanging on for, really.

249
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,840
You just want someone
to call up and give me an advert.

250
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,479
That would be amazing, brilliant.

251
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,120
Right, okay.
Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.

252
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,830
You joke about it. It was unplugged
for two days. No one noticed.

253
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,553
The man does not know where to start, okay?

254
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,435
This is my CV that he's sending
out to people.

255
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,275
I mean, casting agents, producers.
He typed it himself, okay.

256
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:26,709
"From 1986 to 1999 Andy Millman
worked at the Natwest in Wokingham.

257
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,719
"Andy left this comfortable,
adequately-paid job

258
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,794
"to try and become an actor,
despite his age, weight and looks.

259
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,475
"Andy claims to be a great actor
but has not yet had the chance to prove it

260
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:42,633
"because, so far, he's had no offers
except extra work which, as you know,

261
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,394
"is pointless and badly paid.

262
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,916
"Acting is Andy's dream.
If you can make that dream come true,

263
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,718
"please, please call."

264
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,998
- I mean, it's like he's writing to Jim'll Fix It.
- Oh, you have to fire him.

265
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,278
I can't fire him, can I? I can't bear to see
his stupid little face. He'd be devastated.

266
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,954
- Yes, but it's your career.
- I know.

267
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,351
What are you going to do?
I mean, you'll have to find all your own work.

268
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,432
Yeah, having a dog and barking yourself
springs to mind.

269
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:12,593
Start today, start now.
Go up to the director and ask him for a line.

270
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,433
Ross Kemp.
You've spoken to Ross Kemp, haven't you?

271
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,716
- Yes.
- Go up to Ross Kemp and ask him for a line.

272
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,680
Just say to him, "I thought you were
brilliant in EastEnders, Ultimate Force.

273
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,751
I loved you in Spandau Ballet.

274
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,911
- What?
- Spandau Ballet.

275
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,436
He wasn't in Spandau Ballet.
That was Martin Kemp.

276
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,716
Martin Kemp was in EastEnders
and Spandau Ballet.

277
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,837
- Who's this one?
- Ross Kemp.

278
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,116
- Are they not brothers?
- No.

279
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,629
Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp
were the brothers.

280
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,597
- Well, who's this one?
- Ross Kemp.

281
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,672
- Who's his brother?
- I don't know if he's got a brother.

282
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:50,436
Yes, he does. He's got that little bald one
with the pink face that looks like him.

283
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,193
Phil Mitchell?

284
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,830
His on screen brother. Phil and Grant
Mitchell, but they're not really brothers.

285
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,072
Yes, they are. They're the Mitchell brothers.

286
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:03,472
What do you mean, the Mitchell brothers?
You know his name is Ross Kemp.

287
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,793
What bit's confusing you?

288
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,759
The brothers.

289
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,556
The brothers?

290
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,954
What?

291
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:19,077
Is that confusing you, too?
Do you think we've landed in the future?

292
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,912
Shut your face.

293
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,278
MAGGIE: You see, this is why I can never
go and speak to that guy

294
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:29,240
because I'm not smart enough for him.
He's an intellectual.

295
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,073
How do you know he's an intellectual?
You've never even spoken to him.

296
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,312
- Well, he reads the big papers.
- Oh, the big papers, sure.

297
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,313
See, it's always the same,
if a bloke is really smart,

298
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,040
I just always worry that
I'm not clever enough for him.

299
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,000
He's going to want to talk about politics
or whatever and I won't know what to say.

300
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,358
One time, I went out with this bloke and
we were in the pub playing the quiz machine

301
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,752
and it was for a fiver and the question
came up "Who discovered America?"

302
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,150
and I just panicked and I said, "Colombo."

303
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,436
See, you're laughing because I'm stupid.

304
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,512
No, it's an easy mistake to make.
They sound the same.

305
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,079
That's what I thought.

306
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,151
- You should just go and talk to him.
- You think?

307
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,993
Yeah, I don't know why you're so shy.
Just go and talk to him.

308
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,797
The FT.

309
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,156
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

310
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,637
NASDAQ, you twat, what are you like?

311
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,031
- You play the markets, do you?
- Oh, yeah.

312
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,111
How's it going? Any tips?

313
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:45,676
Buy high, buy low. Buy low, sell high.

314
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,755
- What you reading?
-It's Frank Kermode's book on Shakespeare.

315
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,638
It's for my new PhD.

316
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,111
Shakespeare, eh? Oh! Bloody genius, him.

317
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,760
Midsummer Night's Dream. Bottom...

318
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,673
- Oh, how is your diarrhoea?
- Fine, it's good.

319
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,879
- I'm going to get a coffee, I think.
- I've got to go and call my broker anyway.

320
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,349
All right. I was going to ask
if you wanted to get one.

321
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,478
Definitely. He's not there anyway,
he's away on holiday.

322
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:19,989
All right.

323
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:27,589
Hiya.

324
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,119
They're making a film over there
with Vinnie Jones.

325
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,396
What's he doing making a film?
He's a bloody footballer.

326
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:42,036
- Look at the size of those lights.
- You reckon they're big lights?

327
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,839
If I wanted big lights, I could have big lights.

328
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,912
I just don't want big lights.
I want small lights if anything.

329
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:55,317
I know an old colleague of yours
actually, Shaun Williamson.

330
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,030
- Shaun?
- Barry off EastEnders.

331
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,633
- Oh, Barry, yeah.
- Yeah.

332
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,758
We've got the same agent
because I'm actually a real actor.

333
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,275
I'm just, well, not just an extra

334
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,591
so if there was a line going in this
with just a little bit of dialogue,

335
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,196
it'd be great for me because,
as I said, I'm a proper actor.

336
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,477
Yeah, I hope you're better than him.
I mean, he's a bloody footballer.

337
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,757
He's good at what he does, isn't he?
The old "hard man" thing, I suppose.

338
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:23,198
- Because he actually is in real life so...
- You reckon? You think he's a tough guy?

339
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,671
I'd like to see him come at me
with all that "I'm a hard bastard" stuff.

340
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:31,470
I'd say, "Put the baseball bat down,
it's just you and me, skin on skin."

341
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,914
Stripped to the waist, to the death.

342
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:40,995
I'm trained.
He starts with me, I will destroy him.

343
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:50,069
Okay. Well, as I say, if you could
put a word in, I could just do a line.

344
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,959
Yeah, I'll sort that out for you, no problem.
No problem.

345
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,033
Really?

346
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,715
Cheers. I'll see you later.

347
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:12,199
I tell you, if there's a hag, a washerwoman,
toothless wench to be had, it'll be me.

348
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,750
I'm never the one that gets to wear
the taffeta dress, it's not fair.

349
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,116
- They've padded you up.
- That's actually me.

350
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:23,592
I was going to ask, I hope it doesn't seem
pushy, but would you like to go for a meal?

351
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,830
Yeah, I'm starving.

352
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,036
Oh, not right now but I thought maybe later.

353
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,590
Yeah, no, absolutely, yeah. Oh, I'd love to.

354
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,830
- Good.
- Okay, then.

355
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:55,559
What you doing here?
Still scavenging the bins for food, are you?

356
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,634
No need. Bloody waiting on a scene
I've got to do with Ross Kemp.

357
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,394
He asked me personally so... Good, though.

358
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,073
Yeah, well done.

359
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,949
- Shame it's only telly but, you know...
- Not really.

360
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,749
It's something. I mean, keep at it,
you might make it into the films.

361
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,958
Yeah, but what I wouldn't do is
do a film with Vinnie Jones,

362
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,713
he's a footballer but that's all right.

363
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,952
You say he's a footballer
but he's still been in films, hasn't he?

364
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,554
You know, with John Travolta
and Nicolas Cage.

365
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,792
What did he get paid for that, by the way?
Because I was talking to Ross...

366
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,554
You know Ross got a million pounds
to go to ITV?

367
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,758
- Yeah. Pretend to be a hard man.
- Not really.

368
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,958
- Unlike Vinnie. Real life hard man.
- Hmm.

369
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,398
Yeah. On a serious note,
Ross explained to me,

370
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:46,077
you know, Ross was trained by the SAS
and he said if Vinnie Jones

371
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:50,950
tried his antics on with him, he'd rip him
apart so you might want to warn him that.

372
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,439
- He said that?
- Yeah.

373
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,353
I'm not stirring shit, just warning.
I don't want to see him get hurt.

374
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,909
I don't care about him,
but I wouldn't want to see him get hurt.

375
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,037
I've said my bit so...

376
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,750
- I've got to go. I'll see you later.
- See you later, mate.

377
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,871
You've done so much.

378
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,838
Not really. I'm probably a bit older than you.

379
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,036
- How old are you?
-34.

380
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,590
Well, I'm actually older than you
but thank you very much.

381
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,513
Well, you don't look it.
I thought you were in your 20s.

382
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,750
You never, did you? Oh, God.

383
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,674
I'm not!

384
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,231
- Anything you fancy?
- Possibly.

385
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,517
- I meant on the menu.
- I know.

386
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,755
- What have you been saying?
- About what?

387
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,470
Why am I hearing that Vinnie Jones
is looking for me and he wants to batter me?

388
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,198
I haven't said anything.

389
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,159
How's he know I've been slagging him off?
Who have you been speaking to?

390
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,073
No one. You're not scared of him, are you?

391
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,357
No. Not with what I could do to him.

392
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,875
- With your SAS stuff and that.
- Yeah.

393
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,031
I mean, do you know what that stands for?

394
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,430
SAS? Special Air Service.

395
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,278
What?

396
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,590
Special Air Service, isn't it?

397
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,320
-It doesn't stand for that.
- Doesn't it?

398
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,995
I've talked to actual SAS people,
they've told me what it stands for.

399
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,753
What does it stand for, then?

400
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,155
Super Army Soldiers.

401
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,316
Su... Are you sure?

402
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,313
Yeah, I mean actual SAS people
have told me that.

403
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,279
The actual guys themselves
and they should know.

404
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:45,638
- They weren't winding you up?
- They wouldn't do that to one of their own.

405
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:50,149
No. I thought it was Special Air Services.

406
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,995
Special Air Services? I mean, that sounds
like FedEx or something, doesn't it?

407
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:58,677
Registered delivery or whatever. Do you
think a postman needs arms like these?

408
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,673
Did I get these muscles lifting jiffy bags?

409
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,593
Definitely not.

410
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:12,634
If Vinnie Jones comes near me
looking for a fight, I will unleash hell.

411
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,634
Okay.

412
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,600
- Well, that was fun.
- Absolutely.

413
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,513
- Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?
- I'd love to.

414
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,829
Okay.

415
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,797
Right, just go through.

416
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,270
You're sweet, you're hot chocolate.

417
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,235
Come on, love, you're like a dead horse.
Put a bit of minge around it.

418
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,829
Okay.

419
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,835
- I head-butted a horse once.
- He must have really annoyed you.

420
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,319
Kemp.

421
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,152
All right, Vinnie, how's it going?

422
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,359
Never mind the "All right, Vinnie, how's it
going" bollocks. What you been saying?

423
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,159
- What are you talking about?
- What's all this I've been hearing?

424
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,756
- Shit about you think you're harder than me.
- Where have you heard this?

425
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,356
Some extra I've been doing a scene with
said he heard it over here.

426
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:29,434
You been trying to impress the extras
by telling them you're harder than me?

427
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,272
I haven't said anything.

428
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:34,751
You think you're well hard, don't you?
Are you hard?

429
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:35,989
No.

430
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,358
No, you're not.
And if I hear you slag me off anymore,

431
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,558
I'll come over here and I'll show you
what really hard is.

432
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:47,395
- Do you know what really hard is?
- Beating me up and that.

433
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,471
Yeah. Do you know what really hard is?

434
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,551
Beating up and that.
Kick him in the bollocks.

435
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,916
- No need to be specific.
- All right.

436
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,151
This is the final warning.

437
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:01,239
Come on.

438
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,193
- What?
- Nothing.

439
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:25,957
Why didn't you use your SAS stuff on him?

440
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,552
Because I don't know any.

441
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,758
What, you don't know kung fu
and all the lethal moves?

442
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:32,989
No.

443
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,189
Why did you say you did?

444
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:41,877
Why do I say I can hold my breath under
water for three and a half minutes? I can't.

445
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,232
I panic in water, if anything.

446
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,992
I can't get you a line either,
if that's why you're still here.

447
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,357
- Really?
- I haven't got any power around here.

448
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,716
I've told people
I've got a line and everything.

449
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:55,949
Sorry.

450
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,198
Don't worry about it.

451
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,390
Every job I do I get bullied.

452
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,073
Bullied?

453
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,436
People calling me names and that.

454
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:12,994
If it doesn't stop soon,
I think I'm just going to finish it, end it all.

455
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,077
Do what I thought I'd never do.

456
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,719
Suicide?

457
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:22,237
No, go to Family Affairs. I've had an offer.

458
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,351
There's no bullying at Family Affairs,
they're really nice people.

459
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:27,955
Sure.

460
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,437
All I want to do is act.

461
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,233
And you're good.

462
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:36,554
Am I?

463
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,637
Yeah, of course you are.

464
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,593
Put your hat on.

465
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,279
Look at that, looks brilliant.
Hair and everything.

466
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,194
Yes.

467
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,317
Look at all these.

468
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,230
Your medal. Shiny, innit?

469
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,040
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
BY CAT STEVENS)