1
00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,794
What's on your mind? Seriously, talk to me.

2
00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,796
Why am I not getting any acting roles?

3
00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,597
I've been thinking about this.
I'm glad you brought it up.

4
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,591
I've got a feeling it could be your shape.

5
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:16,389
It is a very unusual shape and I'm not sure
who would be looking for it.

6
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,677
- Could you maybe do a bit more exercise?
- Could you maybe do a bit more work?

7
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:23,640
- I don't know...
- We can banter all we like but, I mean,

8
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,759
if you insist on remaining, you know, a blob,

9
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,593
could you maybe at least get a tan?

10
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:33,149
They're looking for a fat bloke
with a tan, are they?

11
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,790
What's that for?
Oliver Stone's story of Buddha?

12
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,953
Before I get up and walk out of here,
possibly forever,

13
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,749
-have you got anything for me at all?
- Loads of stuff.

14
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:49,914
Do you fancy panto in Guildford
with Les Dennis?

15
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,229
No.

16
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,478
- What, that's it?
- Yeah.

17
00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,272
- You said there was loads of stuff.
- I thought you'd go with that one.

18
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,278
What's the role?

19
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,079
It is the part of the Genie in Aladdin.

20
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,629
They're happy with a fat bloke for that,
are they?

21
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,158
With a tan ideally.

22
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,274
I promise you,
listen, I've done a panto before.

23
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,512
- Ah! Andy Millman, this is Les Dennis.
- Hi. I know who you are.

24
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:43,829
- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

25
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:46,958
- Andy is playing our Genie.
- Oh, no, really?

26
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,269
Yeah.

27
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,670
- Could Chris Biggins not do it?
- He was busy.

28
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,273
- Biggins was busy?
- Yeah.

29
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,351
That's a nightmare.

30
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,351
What about John Thomson off Cold Feet?

31
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,990
Well, he was available but he screwed up
the audition. He was very nervous.

32
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,559
Yeah, he can get nervous. That's a shame.

33
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,756
Sorry, can I just say,
if you're interested in a famous face,

34
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,592
I represent Barry from EastEnders.

35
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:08,194
Not for this part though, no.
It's too late, isn't it?

36
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:09,839
This part's taken, innit?

37
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,070
What about Jono Coleman?
I thought he was up for it.

38
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:16,313
Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club
he's... Well, he's just not fat enough.

39
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,075
I've got Barry on the phone now,
if you're interested...

40
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:21,992
No point, is there? No, the vacancy's filled.

41
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,469
Remember you took
12 and a half percent, ring any bells?

42
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,312
Sorry, Barry.

43
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,357
No one on the list was available, then?

44
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,877
No, and in the end we were running out
of time and we just got desperate so...

45
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,710
(MAGIC PLAYING)

46
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,518
Fantastic!

47
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,079
- LES: Andy.
- Hi.

48
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,390
- Can I introduce this gorgeous creature?
- Hello.

49
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,312
- This is Simone.
- Hi.

50
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,472
Show him your ring. Engagement ring.
Cost an arm and a leg.

51
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,440
Didn't want you seeing her and thinking,
"Who's that stunner? I'll make her mine."

52
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,034
- Hands off, she's taken.
- Silly.

53
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,191
SIMONE: I'm going to have to
get going, sweetheart. See you later.

54
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,032
- Nice to meet you.
- See you later.

55
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,953
Bye. Bye, darling.

56
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,194
Save it for later.

57
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,030
Eh? We asked 100 people,
"Which comedian is going to land on his feet

58
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,157
"and get his end away
with an absolute cracker?"

59
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,995
You said, "Les Dennis," our survey said,
"Ding, top answer!" Jammy bastard.

60
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,356
Yeah, well done.

61
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,558
Still, it's about time I had
a bit of good luck, isn't it?

62
00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,795
The stuff that's happened to me,
been in the papers.

63
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:01,951
- I don't know.
- You do.

64
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,316
- Did you watch me on Celebrity Big Brother?
-It was good.

65
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,677
Might have been entertaining for you,
but I was at my lowest ebb.

66
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,274
The shit that was flying around
before I went in.

67
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:14,115
I remember I was sitting there one day
thinking, "What's the point, eh?

68
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,191
"What is the point?"

69
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:20,558
And...I've never really
told anybody this before.

70
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,199
Okay.

71
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,157
- I even considered suicide.
- Oh!

72
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,470
Yeah, actually thinking
I'm going to end it all.

73
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,791
I'm thinking, "I'll do it here, live on telly.
That will show them."

74
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,715
And as I was thinking about it,
Melinda Messenger came in, lovely girl.

75
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,599
- She was chatting away.
- Took your mind off it?

76
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:40,560
Yeah, I was looking at her tits. Lovely.

77
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:45,398
And I was thinking, "Come on, Les,
look at them. Life is worth living after all."

78
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,598
I mean, I'd seen them loads of times
in the papers and on the telly,

79
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,432
but when you're face to face with them...

80
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,433
- Live.
-...you go, "Yeah, well done."

81
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,478
Yeah, that's a lovely story.

82
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,030
(TELEPHONE RINGING)

83
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,674
MAN: Hello, Heat Magazine.

84
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:05,355
Yeah, hi. Do you deal with
the Celebrity Spotted section?

85
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,876
- Can do, yeah. Why, who have you seen?
- Well, I just spotted Les Dennis,

86
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,429
the comedian and impressionist
and actor Les Dennis.

87
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,909
I just spotted him
shopping in New Bond Street.

88
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,310
Doubt he can afford much around there,
can he?

89
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,073
Well he can because I just saw him

90
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,959
and he was spending
a fucking shit load of cash, all right?

91
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,759
So put that in. Make sure you put that in.

92
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,269
(KNOCKING)

93
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,680
- Hello.
- Hiya.

94
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,751
I just wanted to introduce you
to my friend Maggie.

95
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,070
- Hello, Maggie.
- Hello, pleased to meet you.

96
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,596
Nice to meet you, too. What are you doing
with this reprobate? You two an item?

97
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,751
- Oh, Christ, no.
- All right.

98
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,435
No, I'm just here visiting him.
It's the first time he's treaded the boards.

99
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,319
Oh, well, theatre. The stories I could tell you.

100
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,473
It's where it all started for me,
up and down the country. Great to be back.

101
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,029
Things have changed a bit, mind.

102
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,431
There was a time when I wouldn't have had
to share a dressing room.

103
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,920
Back in the day I'd have had
two dressing rooms if I'd wanted.

104
00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,710
One for me, one for all the cards
and flowers from all the well-wishers.

105
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,360
Little presents and things they sent me.

106
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,438
Don't need a whole dressing room
for those three, do you?

107
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:13,630
No.

108
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:20,717
What were you doing?
You said you had to...

109
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,837
- What?
- You were about to do something.

110
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,639
Yeah, I've got to go to the post office.

111
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,917
- See you later.
- Yeah, it was really nice to meet you, bye.

112
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,991
- Yeah, nice to see you, bye.
- Bye.

113
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,072
One and two, three and four,

114
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,959
five, six, seven, eight.

115
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,919
One and two, three and four,

116
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,389
five, six, seven, eight.

117
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,074
All right, stop, stop, stop.
You're missing something.

118
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,629
I'm not getting something.
What is it? What am I not getting?

119
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,234
- What am I looking for?
- I know.

120
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,878
Somebody else.

121
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,633
- Yes?
- 110%.

122
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,711
You should be giving me a 110%
all of the time,

123
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,952
but that is not what I was thinking of.
What am I looking for?

124
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,678
- Okay.
- T and T.

125
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:12,516
Correct. T and T. And what is T and T?
Come up here and show them.

126
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:17,313
T and T. Tits and teeth, yes. Tits and teeth.

127
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,960
And before any of you have me
up on sexism charges,

128
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,758
do not forget this is my daughter.

129
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,195
That is all right. One more time...

130
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:28,114
- I know that girl.
- Five, six, seven, eight.

131
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,999
Hold on, his daughter?
But he's definitely gay.

132
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,915
He can't be gay if he's got a daughter.

133
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,994
- Oscar Wilde was married with two kids.
- Well, he couldn't have been gay.

134
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,230
- What, Oscar Wilde?
- Yeah.

135
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,836
- I've got to stop hanging around with you.
- That's lunch, back at 2:00.

136
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,077
I do know her.

137
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,920
- Oh, hi.
- Hiya.

138
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,516
Maggie! Do you remember me?
Lizzie Bunton?

139
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,718
Daddy? We worked on that
BBC kids' show together,

140
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,155
- The Orphans of Penny Farthing Lane.
- Penny Farthing Lane.

141
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,753
Brilliant that.

142
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:08,152
Daddy, this is my friend Maggie.
We worked on Orphans together.

143
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,392
Hello, nice to meet you.
Ian Bunton, everyone calls me Bunny.

144
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,075
- Oh, already started your lunch I notice.
-It's a banana.

145
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,629
# Food glorious food

146
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,075
# Hot sausage and mustard

147
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,073
# While we're in the mood

148
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,356
# Cold jelly and custard #

149
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,199
- No, no, no, no. Cust-terd.
- # Custard #

150
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,750
- No, come on, cust-terd.
- # Custard #

151
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,309
# Cust-terd #
# Custard #

152
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,279
- Don't worry about it.
- BUNNY: No, come on.

153
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,715
# Custard #
# Cust-terd #

154
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:40,995
# Custard #

155
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:45,438
There. See, if something's worth doing,
it's worth doing correctly. Must dash.

156
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,873
I'll catch up with you later, then.

157
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,189
- Yes.
- Definitely.

158
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:50,714
Bye-bye.

159
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,871
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

160
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,633
Give her a kiss.

161
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,951
- Don't.
- Oh, where have you been hiding her?

162
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,949
Oh, she's really lovely
but she's a wee bit mental.

163
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,999
- Of course she's mental. Her dad's a gay.
- He can't be gay.

164
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,836
Ho, ho, ho! Smarties. Yum, yum, yum.

165
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,115
(DOOR OPENING)

166
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,237
(WHISTLING MERRILY)

167
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,239
- Les, you all right, mate?
- Hiya.

168
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,357
- You all right?
- Yeah.

169
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,239
- What have you got in your little bag?
- It's the local paper.

170
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,072
Don't want to blow my own,
not with my back,

171
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,595
but there's a little article in here.
Hi, darling. Listen to this.

172
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,069
"Family Fortunes loser Les Dennis

173
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,437
"is on the comeback trail
thanks to a starring role in Aladdin.

174
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,557
"Things are looking up for Les, 50,

175
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,873
"who recently announced his engagement
to beautiful fiancée Simone Lewis, 26.

176
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,190
"With an age gap of a quarter of a century,

177
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,590
"Dennis is clearly punching
above his weight again

178
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,069
"but insists they are very much in love."

179
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,834
- Marriage, faithfulness.
- Do you want to get some lunch, darling?

180
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,560
- I can't, I promised I'd meet a friend.
- A friend.

181
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,631
- Do you want some money?
- Yes, please.

182
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:18,949
- Fifty okay?
- Yeah.

183
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,633
Bit much for lunch, innit?

184
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,438
- Bye.
- Bye.

185
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,874
- Alone again.
- Yeah.

186
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,759
- Do you want to get some lunch?
- I can't. I've already eaten.

187
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,069
Yeah?

188
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,152
- But I'll come for a coffee with you.
- Yeah.

189
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,993
Yeah, course I will, course I will.
If that's what you want.

190
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,071
Yeah. Thanks.

191
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,596
Come on, then, what shall we have?

192
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:46,839
Maggie.

193
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,399
- Oh, it's you.
- Hello.

194
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,199
I'm trying to find my way out of here.
It's like a blooming maze.

195
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,477
- Come in. This is my dressing room.
- Oh, look at it.

196
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,392
I share this with the other girls in the chorus.

197
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,312
Yeah? Where are they?

198
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,394
I think they've all gone to lunch.
Sometimes they forget to invite me.

199
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,798
Right.

200
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,838
- What are you doing on Sunday?
- What, this Sunday?

201
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:08,955
I'll tell you what you're doing.

202
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,077
- You're coming to my party.
- My sister might be...

203
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,916
It's going to be my birthday on Sunday
and I'm having a party. I'm going to be 29.

204
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,755
It's very important and I'm just inviting
my very best friends like you.

205
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,035
Yeah.

206
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:24,158
It's going to be brilliant.
Oh, my parties are always great.

207
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,311
- Yeah?
- Please come.

208
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,471
There will be entertainment there
and everything.

209
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,312
- Oh, well.
- Please, please.

210
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,040
- Oh, I'm just thinking...
- You must! You must!

211
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,837
- Okay, then.
- Brilliant.

212
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,150
Let me just check with Daddy
that that's okay.

213
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,629
Yeah, you'd better check with him first.

214
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,075
- Do not come in!
- Daddy, it's Lizzie.

215
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,629
I won't be a minute. Do not come in!

216
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:51,996
I'm just finishing up a meeting.

217
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,040
Okay, we've finished.
This is an old friend. Bye, Paul.

218
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,833
And old friend.

219
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:11,115
- Daddy.
- Yes?

220
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,874
- Can Maggie come to my party, please?
- Of course, dear.

221
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,998
The little bastard's pinched my watch.

222
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,991
- He nicked your watch?
-It's fine...

223
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,390
- Call the police.
- Do not call the police!

224
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:25,155
And don't tell your mother, she'll only worry.

225
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,872
That happened before, didn't it?
With your mobile phone?

226
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,600
- The crime rate's through the roof.
- Yeah.

227
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,638
- You all right?
- Yeah.

228
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,917
Cheer up. Turn that frown upside down.

229
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,877
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.

230
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,429
- Is everything okay? You look a bit down.
- No, I'm fine.

231
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,193
If you're worried about the audiences,
don't be.

232
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,830
They're always a bit thin early on but
they'll pick up as we get towards Christmas.

233
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,719
We've got the press in tonight,
they'll rave about it. It's a good show.

234
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,632
Oh, it is, yeah.

235
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,553
- Can I ask your opinion about something?
- Yeah.

236
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,392
- What do you make of Simone?
- She's fine.

237
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,754
- Beautiful girl.
- Yeah.

238
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,400
- Lovely girl, I'm very lucky.
- You are, yeah.

239
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,359
- When is the wedding?
- We're thinking June, July.

240
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:28,513
Summer wedding. That'll be good if, when...
Well, it will happen, I suppose.

241
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,833
- Congratulations again.
- Oh, cheers, mate, cheers.

242
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,153
- I can't marry her.
- Why? What have you heard?

243
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,675
- Nothing. What do you mean?
- No, what did you say?

244
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:44,435
It's just that I've been doing a bit of thinking
and I just don't think I can marry her.

245
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,273
It's not fair. I mean, don't get me wrong.

246
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,078
- Funny little switch.
- Nothing wrong physically.

247
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:50,309
I'm sure.

248
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,233
The sex is extraordinary.
Some of the stuff she dreams up.

249
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,152
What is that for?

250
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,232
She likes to video us
and we watch it back together.

251
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:02,075
And sometimes I can't believe
it's my arse going up and down.

252
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,438
- I'm getting excited just thinking about it.
- Well, think about something else, then.

253
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,751
It will break her heart
but now I'm back on the up and up.

254
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:13,515
The papers is just the beginning. I'll be in
the full glare of the media spotlight again.

255
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,238
- I can't put her through that.
- No.

256
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,469
- She's young.
- Yeah.

257
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,790
- She can't take that pressure.
- Probably not.

258
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,556
Who knows what this will lead to?
More TV, maybe even Hollywood.

259
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:28,074
I just think I'm better off letting her go now
before she falls in love with me any deeper.

260
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,958
I think you're making the right decision

261
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,078
and I'm so glad you said this
because it's a weight off my mind.

262
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,516
I saw her getting off with the stagehand
and that's who she's with now.

263
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,557
Well, I wasn't going to say anything
but you...

264
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,873
Oh, I wish I hadn't, but you were
going to finish it anyway and I...

265
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,354
You're not upset, are you?

266
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,192
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

267
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,237
The house is open, gentlemen...

268
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,314
Sorry.

269
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,755
- Les, cover it up, mate.
- Yeah.

270
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,912
I'll shut the door.

271
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,993
Look, Wishy, what's this?
It looks like the magic lamp.

272
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,594
- What do you think I should do?
- Just leave it here.

273
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,157
What do you think, gang?

274
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,631
Should I just leave it here
or should I give it a rub?

275
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,273
AUDIENCE: Give it a rub.

276
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,398
- What? Can't hear you?
- Rub it.

277
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,391
- Rub it?
- Yes.

278
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,836
Okay. If you say so, I'll rub it. Here goes.

279
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:45,472
- Blimey, what a big puff.
-(CAMP VOICE) Cheeky. Hmm.

280
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,312
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

281
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,598
- Who are you?
- Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be,

282
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,910
but you can call me Genie.

283
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,920
How does somebody as big as you
fit into this tiny lamp?

284
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,277
Don't worry about it, I'm used to
squeezing myself into tight holes.

285
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,990
Oh! No pain, no gain.

286
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,914
WISHY: Can you help us?
We're in danger, the evil Abanazar is after us.

287
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,755
- What makes you think that?
- We heard him say he wants to get Aladdin.

288
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,797
Don't we all?

289
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,713
Abanazar has a glorious ring.

290
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:36,070
I know the line. What's the point though, eh?

291
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,154
They don't care. Look at them.

292
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:43,114
- LES: You lot enjoying yourselves?
- Yeah.

293
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,237
Yeah, well tell your faces.

294
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,152
And maybe some of your friends as well,
get them along.

295
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,880
The empty seats aren't laughing much,
are they?

296
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,954
- BOY: Get on with it.
- You bloody get on with it. Ignorant.

297
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,712
How many of you
are thinking of leaving at half-time?

298
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,871
Even less people here then, won't it?

299
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,679
Even more embarrassing
for those that have stayed.

300
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,838
- Where do you want to go from?
- How about 1992?

301
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,873
No, where do you want to go
from in the script?

302
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,918
I don't know.
Just do some more of the queer shit.

303
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,150
Let's just get through it, shall we?

304
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:36,030
Oh, I've been in that lamp so long
I'm bent out of all recognition.

305
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,671
- Hello!
- Hi.

306
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,559
- Come in. Look at you.
- Thank you.

307
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,439
Everyone, this is Maggie.

308
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,038
Hello, Maggie.

309
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,712
You know Dad.

310
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:10,715
That's Maureen and John and Barbara
and Len and that's Nana.

311
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:17,109
We're just waiting for Frank and Jean.
They said they'd be here by 8:00.

312
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,989
- What time is it dear?
- About 8:00.

313
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,153
Irene, fetch the Glade. Nana's let off again.

314
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:27,231
Why don't you sit next to Nana?

315
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,632
- Hello, dear.
- Hi.

316
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,911
- There you go.
- Thanks.

317
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,474
Thanks for doing this tonight
on your only night off.

318
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,712
-It's not a chore.
- I was scared to be alone tonight.

319
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,030
Bit worried about
what I might do on my own.

320
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,997
- Well, you're not alone.
- No.

321
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,918
We asked 100 people,
"Will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?"

322
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,718
Our survey said...

323
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:01,995
We asked 100 people,

324
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,469
"Do you want to go out tonight
and watch Les Dennis in panto?"

325
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,597
Our survey said...

326
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,876
Why don't people want to come out
and see Les Dennis?

327
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,917
- They do.
- Why don't twice as many?

328
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,640
Well, because you're competing
with a lot these days, aren't you?

329
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,872
-Internet, DVDs.
- Where did it all go wrong, eh?

330
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,553
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

331
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,029
- You're a comedian, right?
- Yeah.

332
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,630
- I haven't seen you make a joke in five years.
- What do you mean?

333
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,872
When you're on telly and stuff, when
you're on chat shows or in Big Brother.

334
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,190
You're talking to the chickens
but you're moaning about stuff.

335
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,873
That's the way they cut it.

336
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:41,033
There you go, moaning about stuff.
Make a joke about it. Make a joke.

337
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,111
What was that impression you used to do?

338
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,998
Impressions. I did loads.

339
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,310
- What was it?
- Mavis Riley, Coronation Street.

340
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,437
- Do that.
- No, I'm not doing that.

341
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:50,715
- Do it.
- No!

342
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,599
- Go on.
-"I don't really know."

343
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,559
- That's great.
- Yeah, I know. It is good, yeah.

344
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,553
You need another one, she hasn't really
been on telly for 15 years, but...

345
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,631
- Yeah.
- Good.

346
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,393
Correct me if I'm wrong,

347
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:07,394
but I'm famous for more than a Mavis Riley
impression and Family Fortunes.

348
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,670
I am famous for other things, aren't I?

349
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,080
Er...

350
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,834
The Les Dennis Laughter Show?
Russ Abbot's Madhouse?

351
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,319
- Were you in that?
- Yeah.

352
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,836
- Well then, if you...
- You don't remember. Nobody remembers.

353
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,752
That's why I'm in a shitty little panto

354
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,116
where the only people laughing
were that bunch of gays.

355
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,431
- Nothing wrong with gays.
- I know. But they'll laugh at anything.

356
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,353
No victory making a bunch of gay fellows
laugh. They'll laugh at anything.

357
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,272
- Look at that Graham Norton.
- He's all right, isn't he?

358
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,919
Is he? Is this funny, is it?

359
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,755
"Oh, look at this website
about cocks and fannies!"

360
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,434
"Oh, Jackie Collins, what lovely tits!"

361
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,319
"Do you like a cock up your arse? Oh!"
Is that funny?

362
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,835
It is quite funny when you do it,
but keep it down a little bit.

363
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,558
- We're in a pub.
- What is that?

364
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,029
I want to do something more high brow.
Oscar Wilde or something.

365
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,633
Yeah, definitely. He was gay.

366
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,950
I know, but not in the same way,
he was clever.

367
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,236
Would this have been funny,
him going through customs,

368
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,630
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."

369
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:04,033
"Oh! And this vibrating tongue
for pleasuring fannies! Oh!" Is that funny?

370
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,997
Again, quite funny when you do it,

371
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,232
but it's Sunday, can you keep
the fannies down to a minimum?

372
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,871
LIZZIE: Why can't I just stay in this?

373
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,793
BUNNY: Because that is not the costume
we said you'd wear.

374
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,633
Olivia Newton John
wouldn't be seen dead in that.

375
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,394
Look, just do as you're told, will you?

376
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,998
- I'm changing, I'm changing.
-It's me, it's Maggie.

377
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,075
Hi.

378
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,118
Your mum said I had to come up
and have a look at all your awards

379
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,191
- and cups and...
- Oh. Here they are.

380
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,954
- Wow, look at that.
- Gymnastics.

381
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,193
- Second, second, first.
- First, that one.

382
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:56,191
Lots of photographs of your dad there,
doing his... Whatever he's doing.

383
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,391
I don't see any photographs
of you with your friends.

384
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,791
- Have you got any friends your own age?
- Yeah, you. You're my best friend.

385
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,679
- Apart from me?
- Well, all the friends downstairs.

386
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,478
They're all friends, they're all old friends.

387
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,996
They are old friends. It looks like the cast
of Last of the Summer Wine down there.

388
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:15,675
Dad said when I'm famous
that I'll have all the friends I'll need.

389
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,115
He said I'd have too many friends.

390
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,759
Do you enjoy all this, though?

391
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,595
I mean, really,
all this dressing up and performing?

392
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:24,954
Yeah, I love it.

393
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,237
But do you, though? Is this what
you want to do or is it what your dad wants?

394
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,231
Dad knows what's good for me.

395
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,233
I've been doing this
since I was two, it's in my blood.

396
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,834
But it wasn't your ambition
when you were two, was it?

397
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:39,635
I mean, I think you seem to be missing out
on a whole load of stuff.

398
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,519
Just... I think he's suffocating you a bit.

399
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:46,511
You're making me sad and it's my birthday.

400
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:47,670
Sorry.

401
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,033
(MUSIC PLAYING)

402
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,671
# Anything you can do I can do better

403
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,513
# I can do anything better than you

404
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,159
# No, you can't
# Yes, I can

405
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,275
# No, you can't

406
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:08,555
# Yes, I can

407
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,473
# Yes, I can, yes, I can #

408
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,437
# Well-a, well-a, well-a uh!

409
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,397
# Tell me more, tell me more

410
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:17,312
# Was it love at first sight?

411
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,232
# Tell me more, tell me more

412
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:20,958
# Did she put up a fight?

413
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,317
# A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha

414
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:28,469
# Ah-a, ah-a, ah-a, ah-a #

415
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,675
# Well, you've got to speed it up

416
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,434
# And then you've got to slow it down

417
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,592
# 'Cause if you believe
that a love can hit the top

418
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,990
# You've got to play around

419
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,720
# And soon you will find
that there comes a time

420
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,473
# For making your mind up

421
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,198
# For making your mind up

422
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,999
# For making your mind up

423
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:54,960
# For making your mind up #

424
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,796
- Sorry, Dad.
- Don't apologise to me.

425
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,440
Apologise to the audience
who thought that you ruined it.

426
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,229
That was bad. It was bad
because we did not do enough rehearsal.

427
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:15,676
- I was getting ready for my birthday.
- We were all getting ready for your birthday.

428
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,036
Some of us found time to practise
and some of us didn't

429
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:21,158
because you were too busy worrying
about a stupid bloody dress.

430
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,436
And now you have let down your public.

431
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,636
- What is the golden rule?
- Never let down your public.

432
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,677
Never let down your public.

433
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,993
Well, you have let them down and you've
let me down and you've let yourself down.

434
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:36,432
Enjoy the rest of the day. Maybe next time
you'll listen to your silly old daddy.

435
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,717
- Maggie was right.
- Why? What did Maggie say?

436
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,030
- This is weird.
- I didn't say weird.

437
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,238
I should have friends my own age
like she said.

438
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,960
You do look like the cast
of Last of the Summer Wine.

439
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,749
- Great show.
- I want to start living my own life.

440
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:56,198
Do you know what I want to do in life?
No, because you've never asked me.

441
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,517
Well, well, well.

442
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:10,309
It seems quite a poisonous element
has entered our little home.

443
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,040
- Quite a nasty little piece of work.
- Can I just say...

444
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,589
I think that you should go,
you have done quite enough damage.

445
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,752
Oh, God, this is daft, this is silly...

446
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,515
It's his house.
If he wants you to leave, you should leave.

447
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:34,873
Bye, Nana. Yeah. Bye, everybody.

448
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,358
Oh, I just want to say, do you mind
if I take a couple of sandwiches for the train?

449
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,637
I haven't eaten since 4:00
and I've got no food in the house.

450
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,870
Didn't think I was going to get
chucked out of the party.

451
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,998
You should have thought of that
before you fucked up my daughter's life.

452
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,798
- Good night.
- Okay.

453
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:59,080
When the laughter stops,
when the audience departs,

454
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:03,279
when the make-up has been removed,
what is left of the clown?

455
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,030
Nothing but an empty costume.

456
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,872
I should have listened to that.
Do you know who said that?

457
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,713
- Jean Paul Sartre?
- Bobby Davro.

458
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:19,317
Davvers took me aside, he said, "Beware,
Les, you won't always be riding high."

459
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,550
But I wasn't even listening.

460
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:25,634
I was too busy telling him some of the funny
answers we get on Family Fortunes.

461
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,429
Have I ever told you any of those?
Like I said to this woman,

462
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,796
"Name something red."
She said, "My cardigan."

463
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:36,078
How could that have been up there?
We survey 100 people, how'd they know?

464
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,039
"Name a domestic pet,"
this fella said, "Leopard."

465
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,793
- That's not domestic, is it?
- No.

466
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,279
No way.

467
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,678
What about her?

468
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,149
No, I'm not interested in birds anymore.

469
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,915
They just bleed you dry and
then they're off out the door. Bye-bye.

470
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,037
She's been looking at you all night.

471
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:58,275
She's pissed up. She's a pissed up slapper.

472
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,952
I'm not about to have a one night stand
with a pissed up slapper

473
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,715
just to make myself feel a bit better.
I've still got some dignity.

474
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,909
(LES AND WOMAN GROANING)

475
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,796
(TELEPHONE RINGING)

476
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:21,555
Hello?

477
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,156
Would you rather have a bionic arm
or a bionic leg?

478
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:29,518
Good question.
Bionic leg so I could hop to work.

479
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,396
So would I. I'd have a bionic leg
but it would be for kicking.

480
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,871
Actually, I tell you what, a bionic arm
would come in useful some nights.

481
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,954
- How do you mean?
- Doesn't matter.

482
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,674
- I'm starving. Have you eaten anything?
- No.

483
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,073
Can I come over and cook you something?

484
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,800
It's 11:30. And you can't cook.

485
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:55,991
- Fair point. Well, see you tomorrow, then.
- Yeah.

486
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,636
- Bye.
- Bye.

487
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:16,075
WOMAN: Is that good? Is that good?
LES: (AS MAVIS) I don't really know.

488
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:18,633
WOMAN: What?

489
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:22,475
If it's up there,
I'll give you the money myself.

490
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,398
WOMAN: Get off me.

491
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,993
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
BY CAT STEVENS)