1
00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:06,159
For God's sake,
you bloody Yanks are all the same.

2
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:10,074
You walk round like you're John Wayne
then leave us to clean up your mess.

3
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,679
I've got three embassies baying for blood.

4
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,640
I've got two dead diplomats
and a partridge in a bloody pear tree.

5
00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,712
Whitehall's running around
like a bunch of headless chickens.

6
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:24,191
What exactly am I supposed to tell
the Prime Minister?

7
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,157
Tell him Uncle Sam's in town.

8
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,150
And we'll cut there, thank you.
Check the gate, we're moving on.

9
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,593
Sarge, those lads keep saying,
"Afternoon, Cont-stable,"

10
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,639
but making it sound like you know what.
What'll I do to them? Can I hit them?

11
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,597
If I was a real copper, though,

12
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,320
I'd get ready like that. I would and I'd have...

13
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,358
It's all right, it's only hairspray.
I like my prisoners to look good.

14
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,876
Excuse me. Can I just say I thought
you were really brilliant in that scene?

15
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,112
Thank you. I didn't really do anything,
I just had to hold this folder.

16
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,192
Which you did brilliantly.
Didn't drop it or anything.

17
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:26,318
Well, you know, that's three years
of drama school for you.

18
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:33,877
- Sorry, I'm Maggie by the way.
- Dan.

19
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,118
- Hi, Dan.
- Hi, Maggie.

20
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,152
Look, I can't really talk now. I have to...

21
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:43,199
Oh, no, sorry. You go and do your thing.
So, I just wanted to say that.

22
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:44,870
Thanks.

23
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,394
- Bye.
- See you.

24
00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:48,790
What?

25
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,633
- What? Nothing. Just a normal conversation.
- Stop it.

26
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,553
He just held the file well,
that's all you wanted to say to him.

27
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,109
- Shut your face. Going to put my pumps on.
- Don't leave me.

28
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,953
- Why?
- What if one of them talks to me?

29
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,759
- Well, they're only human.
- He's not.

30
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,393
(MAGGIE LAUGHING)

31
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,359
- Just two minutes, right?
- Hurry up.

32
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,793
- Quite incredible, eh?
- Huh?

33
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:31,475
- Mr Samuel L. Jackson in our midst.
- No, I'm not Sam Jackson.

34
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,200
I can see your confusion. We look alike.
But...

35
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,672
I've hit gold, eh?
I've found the joker in the pack.

36
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,194
I don't know about that.

37
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,669
No, I tell you what, seriously,
that is great, that is mate.

38
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,479
That is brilliant.
That's a gift that is, the gift of laughter.

39
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,437
- You remind me of a mate of mine.
- Yeah?

40
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,670
Pete Shepherd.
Used to run the launderers near me.

41
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,434
- God, we used to have a laugh together.
- Did you?

42
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,557
He'd have me in hysterics
every time I saw him.

43
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:59,918
He was a Chelsea fan, I supported Spurs and
when we met, we'd have a chat and laugh.

44
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,880
- Yeah. Why are you telling me this?
- We'd have a chat and laugh every time.

45
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,598
- Good.
- One day, a couple of kids,

46
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,798
they were messing around in his shop,
and they chucked bleach in his eyes

47
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,757
and they blinded him.

48
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,750
I went to visit him in the hospital.

49
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:22,999
Tears were coming out of his bandaged,
frazzled, useless eyes.

50
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:25,993
And he went...

51
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,350
"I don't think I'll ever laugh again."

52
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,358
- You know what?
- No.

53
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,072
I don't think he has.

54
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,029
I stopped going to visit him in the end,
to be honest.

55
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,873
- That cheer him up?
- Got too depressing, you know.

56
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,713
I only used to hang out with him
because he was a laugh.

57
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,360
But, he just got boring.

58
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,954
He was miserable blind.
That's not my cup of tea.

59
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,274
- "My eyes. my eyes..."
- Andy.

60
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,000
- Sorry to interrupt.
- No, please don't apologise.

61
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,230
I need someone to do a few lines
sometime next week,

62
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,278
probably not until Tuesday,
it's an officer in an ID parade.

63
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,874
- Interested in that?
- I don't mind.

64
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:08,238
Hang on, I was already seen. I was on
the desk when Sam Jackson walked past.

65
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,516
Yeah? No, I can't use you then. Sorry, mate.

66
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,750
- Need someone who hasn't been seen.
- He hasn't been seen.

67
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,478
- I haven't been seen.
- You fancy that?

68
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,437
Sam Jackson comes in,
you're joking around with him

69
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,114
and you go, "Ten to one
he's going to pick Sergeant Harris again."

70
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,476
- With Sam Jackson?
- Yeah, you want to have a stab at that?

71
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,709
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

72
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,269
- I'll let you know when. It won't be today.
- Okay.

73
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,078
- Cheers.
- All right.

74
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:33,117
Oh, bloody hell.
A line with Sam Jackson. Cheers for that.

75
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,509
- I owe you one.
- Hey, a favour's a favour. Don't worry.

76
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,399
- Just take me out one night.
- What?

77
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,390
Take me out, on the town, one night.

78
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,231
Let's go and eat on the other bus.

79
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,994
- Why?
- Nothing, no reason. Don't need a reason.

80
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,833
Just let's do something
out of the ordinary once in a while.

81
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:12,117
- Yeah, all right.
- Bit of a break from the old routine.

82
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,473
Whoa. Where are you going?
You can't come on here, it's actors only.

83
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,995
- I am an actor.
- No, you're background.

84
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,550
- Your bus is over there. This is for actors.
- I am an actor.

85
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:25,790
No, your voucher is green,
that means you're background.

86
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,635
Okay. So you're judging my entire career
on the colour of my voucher?

87
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,712
No, I'm sure you've had major roles
in other things.

88
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,393
- He hasn't.
- Shut up.

89
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,471
- I can't let you on here. Okay?
- Sure.

90
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,951
There's no one on, though. Can I just
eat here and go? I'll be five minutes.

91
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,474
- I can't allow it.
- No?

92
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,278
You can't come on here.

93
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,352
You've got a perfectly good bus over there.
This bus is for actual actors.

94
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:47,874
Yeah, don't know why I asked!

95
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,078
Mental! As if I could go on a bus
meant for other people.

96
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,879
- I don't really know him. Can I come on?
- No.

97
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:55,869
Okay.

98
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,355
Pig.

99
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,070
Hiya.

100
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,673
- Got any more jokes?
- I haven't. No.

101
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,558
- Come on, eh?

102
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,432
What's ET short for?

103
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,830
- Don't know.
- He's only got little legs.

104
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,118
- My uncle was like you.
- Was he?

105
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,194
A very funny guy.
Not towards the end, though.

106
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,113
Not so much to laugh about towards the end.

107
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,510
Lost both his legs, you see. Thrombosis.

108
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,750
There was very little to laugh about
when he knew he was stuck downstairs.

109
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:47,516
No legs and he could hear his wife upstairs
with another man having it off.

110
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,436
Despite the morphine,
he could still hear her up there.

111
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:54,794
At it.

112
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,593
They reckon he died of a broken heart
in the end.

113
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,197
Still, it's a wonderful gift that.

114
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,559
Laughter.

115
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,390
Yeah. The gift that keeps on giving.

116
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,110
I've got to go and slash my wrists.
I'll see you later, all right?

117
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,510
Hey, what are you doing
on Saturday afternoon?

118
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:17,635
Why?

119
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,714
I thought you could come round my place,
couple of lads, open a couple of cans.

120
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,031
I got a new DVD. Do you know what it is?

121
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:26,554
Vera Drake.

122
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,071
Tempting. I've got to watch the game.

123
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,720
It's Chelsea-Man U. So, see you later.

124
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,916
When are we gonna go for that night out?

125
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,759
- What?
- I know a lovely little restaurant.

126
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:44,595
You said shall we go for an evening out
and I didn't say no.

127
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,717
- Are you going back on your promise?
- It's not a promise.

128
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,269
- It was.
- You did me a favour, which I thank you for,

129
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,830
but I don't think it warrants
a whole evening out, a candlelit meal.

130
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,833
- What's wrong with going for a meal?
- Nothing. But a bit weird.

131
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,230
What's weird about a couple of mates
having a meal together?

132
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,472
- We're not really friends...
- But that's how we'll become friends.

133
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,995
I go out for meals with people
that are already friends.

134
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,198
I don't go up to people and go,
"All right, mate. I don't know you from Adam

135
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,317
"but do you want to go
to Butlins for the weekend?

136
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,755
"You might be a mental case
but let's find out." It's mad.

137
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,592
- Do you know what I mean?
- No.

138
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,398
What you...

139
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,879
Oh!

140
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,753
- Hi.
- Hello.

141
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,749
- Hi. It's Maggie.
- Yeah, Dan.

142
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:30,874
- Hi again.
- Yeah.

143
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,989
So how long
have you been in this lark, then?

144
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,436
I've only been acting for a couple of years.
Done a couple of plays.

145
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,989
I'd like to do more films
but they're hard to come by.

146
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,833
- So, I'm just trying to get into TV.
- Sure.

147
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,958
To be honest, there's not a lot
of black faces needed on television.

148
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,553
No.

149
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,756
- Crimewatch.
- What?

150
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,310
The reconstructions on Crimewatch.
They always need black actors.

151
00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:00,759
Or white actors.
They need black actors and white actors.

152
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,639
Depending on who's committed the crime
that day.

153
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,439
I mean, there's criminals, black criminals.

154
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,990
Certainly there's white criminals
as well as black criminals.

155
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,276
Oh, God!
I've just remembered I've got to go...

156
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,551
Yeah, what was that again? It was the...
It was a bag.

157
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,756
Yes, I'll see you later.

158
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,479
Why don't you just tell him
you don't want to be his friend?

159
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,029
It's too damning.
You can't say that to someone.

160
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,238
That is saying that you fundamentally
have a problem with their personality.

161
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,960
- What are you gonna do?
- The only honourable thing I can do.

162
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,190
- What?
- Add him to the long list of people

163
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,113
that I have to avoid for the rest of my life.

164
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:44,832
You can never have that time back.

165
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,595
I sat through a whole evening of
Comic Relief once because I was...

166
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,193
Sorry, excuse me.

167
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:51,793
- Are you an actress in this film?
- Yeah.

168
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,518
- You can't come on here.
- Sorry?

169
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:58,037
You can't come on here. This bus is for
supporting artists and you're an actress.

170
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,999
- What are you talking about?
- You've got your own bus there.

171
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,071
And we've got our own bus.
I'm not allowed on yours,

172
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,676
you're not allowed on mine,
but you can come on. On you go.

173
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,672
- No.
- This is pathetic.

174
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,559
I know. It is pathetic, isn't it?
But you can't come on.

175
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,359
- Get out the way.
- Look, I don't make the rules here.

176
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,000
- You're a child.
- Yeah, well, that's as may be.

177
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,833
We'll stick to our own, you stick to your own
and then we're all happy.

178
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,553
- He doesn't think you're a racist.
- He does.

179
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,758
He's just seen me say to a black woman,
"You're not allowed to sit on this bus."

180
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,275
It's like that whole racism
on a bus incident all over again.

181
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,990
- The Rosa Parks incident?
-It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.

182
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:44,995
Sure.

183
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:48,072
He doesn't think you're a racist.
And even if he does, which he doesn't,

184
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,197
he's wrong because you're not.
Don't worry about it.

185
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:55,229
But what if I am and I don't know it?
What if subconsciously, I'm a little bit racist?

186
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,595
- Well, there is that test I can give you.
- What test?

187
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,354
The racism test. The one they give you
when you join the council

188
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,750
-to make sure you're not racist.
- I've never heard of it.

189
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,559
- Do you want to do it? Just 10 questions.
- Go on, then.

190
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,792
Right, you've got to answer
just totally honestly, okay?

191
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,878
Just relax, you've got nothing to
worry about unless you are a racist.

192
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,794
Question one is who would you
rather see with their shirt off?

193
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,837
Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?

194
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,116
- Brad Pitt, obviously.
- Obviously.

195
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,839
- What?
- No, I can't say anything till the end.

196
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,753
Right, question two.
This is about racial awareness.

197
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,753
'Cause often you catch out a real racist
because they don't know

198
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,150
or care about any black issues.

199
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,550
Who's the Prime Minister of Great Britain?

200
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:42,869
- Tony Blair.
- Correct.

201
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,395
Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?

202
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:51,439
I don't know.

203
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,636
You knew the white one. Okay, good.

204
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,675
Oh, dear. Who is the Queen of England?

205
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,398
- Queen Elizabeth ll.
- Correct.

206
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,551
Who is the President of Djibouti?

207
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:05,031
This is ridiculous.
I've never even heard of blooming Djibouti.

208
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,873
Please do not ridicule
the totally valid African language.

209
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,678
Right, next question.

210
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,878
Who would you rather have waiting for you
when you got home tonight?

211
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,110
Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?

212
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,358
- Johnny Depp because of the murder thing.
- Because of the murder thing?

213
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,556
I think you'll find
that Mr OJ Simpson was acquitted

214
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,711
but in your eyes 'cause he's black,
he's still guilty.

215
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,872
- People still think he is guilty.
- Racist people still think he's guilty.

216
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,076
- I'm not a racist.
- I'm just going by the test.

217
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,515
I'm trying to get off with a black person.

218
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,035
Yes, but according to you,
you wouldn't want him waiting for you

219
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,713
in your house when you got home tonight.

220
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,950
Only because I would go,
"How did you get in here?"

221
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,192
Now he's breaking and entering as well.
Fascist.

222
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,635
Right, I'm going to go and ask him out now.

223
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,154
- Hold on.
- Watch.

224
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,278
Tell him you had a hate rating of 9.8,
one more than Hitler.

225
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,351
Watch, I'm going now.

226
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,113
He said yes.

227
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,511
He is so lovely and totally amazing
and I'm going out for a drink with him.

228
00:12:58,600 --> 00:12:59,795
- When?
- Tonight.

229
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,599
- Well done.
- I'm a wee bit nervous about this date.

230
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,398
Racist.

231
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,517
- Did you get my plate?
- No.

232
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,113
You left it.

233
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,319
ANDY: Quick!

234
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:17,230
Oh, very cool. It'd be funny
if you were squashed like that, wouldn't it?

235
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,473
Would you rather die of the cold
or die of the heat?

236
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,351
Would you rather be trapped in a freezer
or trapped in a microwave?

237
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,637
- How would you get trapped in a microwave?
- Hiya.

238
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:30,994
- You going to the station?
- No.

239
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,639
- Going back into town?
- No.

240
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,950
- Where you going, then?
- We're just...

241
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,997
We're going in here.

242
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,231
- Really?
- Yeah.

243
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,799
- So...
- Why?

244
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,796
- We're going to visit his mum's grave.
- Yes.

245
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,439
Taking her some flowers and stuff.

246
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,319
- You haven't got any flowers.
- Not taking her some flowers.

247
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,438
Collecting the dead flowers
from all the other visits.

248
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,550
That's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it?

249
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,395
She's buried in the graveyard
next to the studio we're working at.

250
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,871
- Handy. That's why we're going.
- We'll see you later.

251
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,917
Do you mind if I come with you?

252
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,037
Why would I? Come on.

253
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:23,352
You don't have to wait around. I'll be about
half an hour and I get quite emotional so...

254
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,671
That's all right, that's not a worry.
That's not a problem, mate. No.

255
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,878
I've spent a lot of time by graves.
I'm used to it.

256
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,951
You take your time. Enjoy.

257
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,430
Yeah. Which one is it anyway?

258
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:36,999
- Which one?
- That one.

259
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,390
- That one.
- The one with the...

260
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,114
Yeah.

261
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,470
- There she is.
- Rebecca Leibovitch.

262
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,039
Mum.

263
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,430
Sounds Jewish.
I didn't know you were Jewish.

264
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,272
Didn't you? Oy!

265
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,592
Yeah, oy.

266
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,639
Good God, died in 1953.

267
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,711
How old does that make you, then?

268
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,998
- At least 52. 52.
- You're 52?

269
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,276
- Don't look it one bit.
- No, thanks.

270
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,998
Hard to believe, isn't it?

271
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:13,313
Just like it's hard to believe that we were
just passing my dead mother's grave...

272
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,710
who is Jewish.

273
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,076
She was born in 1893.

274
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,800
So she died when she was 60.

275
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,599
In childbirth.

276
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,116
They warned her. They said,
"Becky, you cannot have a kid at your age."

277
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,635
- But old Ma Leibovitch didn't listen.
- No.

278
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,439
- And here I am, 52 and Jewish.
- Yeah.

279
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,196
- Okay.
- Why did you change your surname, then?

280
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:39,352
Fed up with the persecution.
The usual story, isn't it?

281
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,592
Enough is enough, proud race and religion.

282
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,033
- Is your dad round here?
- No.

283
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,633
He's still alive.

284
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,040
- Really?
- Apparently.

285
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,350
- How old is he, then?
-100.

286
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,080
- He's doing well though for 100.
- Yeah.

287
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:58,236
Do you like taking the mickey out of me?
This fun for you, is it?

288
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,674
What?

289
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,910
That is not your mother's grave.

290
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,550
- Oh, no!
- And I don't think you're Jewish.

291
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,553
- No she pointed to that...
- Why do you keep lying to me?

292
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,392
- I don't keep lying to you.
- Yes, you do.

293
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,869
You said that we were going to go
for a nice meal.

294
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,430
Then you went back on that.
Do you think I haven't got any feelings?

295
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,797
I know you've got feelings. Which is why
I thought I would avoid the issue.

296
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,679
I don't want to go for a meal with someone...

297
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,479
You won't go for a meal with me
because you hate me.

298
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,198
- I don't hate you.
- You hate me so much

299
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:31,353
that you can't bear to sit opposite me, have
a nibble on a bit of food in my company.

300
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,990
- I could have a meal with you.
- I know, I'm not the joker of the pack.

301
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,311
- That's nothing to do with it.
- All right, I might not be able to do that.

302
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,518
I'm reliable.
If I say I'll be somewhere, I'm there.

303
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,830
I know. I'm quite happy
to have a meal with you.

304
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,752
You're just saying that now because...

305
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,877
- No, I'd like to have a meal with you.
- When?

306
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,280
- Any time.
- Tonight?

307
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:50,759
- Not tonight.
- See what I mean?

308
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,274
Okay, tonight.

309
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,512
Tonight will be fine.
Let's have a meal tonight, okay?

310
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,352
I'm looking forward to it.

311
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,796
Aw...poor... Oh, no. Come on.

312
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,911
Louise, 13. Karen, 10.

313
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,194
Haven't seen either of them in three months.

314
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,478
Word of advice, never get married.

315
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,317
And if you do get married,

316
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,472
don't let your wife
go to the greengrocer's on her own.

317
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,879
- Right?
- Right.

318
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:34,231
She was going out three, four times a week.
Getting fresh fruit and veg.

319
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,319
I said to her,
"Why don't we do one big shop?"

320
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:42,796
No, she wasn't having that.
She was always down there.

321
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,591
I got suspicious, you know.

322
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,275
My wife's going out
8:00 at night to buy cauliflower.

323
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,356
Right, then. What we having?

324
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:01,078
- Shall I order us some champagne?
- No, it's not appropriate.

325
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,949
We'll have a lager. We'll have a lager each,
down it and go home and watch telly.

326
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,838
In our separate homes.

327
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:12,150
- I don't... What are you going to have?
- I don't know.

328
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,034
Cor, I just can't decide.

329
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,515
- What a tragic couple we are.
- We're not a couple.

330
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,956
His wife left him and I'm out shagging,
regular as clockwork.

331
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,829
(THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THIS PLAYING)

332
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,159
(CHATTING)

333
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:55,080
There's this stallion of a horse, right,
being brought on to set,

334
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:59,552
and whose got to ride it? Me. Okay. All right.

335
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,996
So, okay, I can't go out like a chump.
Sol big up my chest

336
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,832
and I'm going to ride this horse.

337
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,833
- I get on the horse...
- Got to go to the toilet.

338
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,193
Yeah, sure, yeah.

339
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:16,189
- What you got there?
- Nothing.

340
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,749
- No, you've got something. What is it?
- No, it's fine.

341
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,353
- Let me see.
-It's nothing.

342
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,716
Come on, let me see. What you got?

343
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,438
It's just a golliwog...toy.

344
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,753
- A golly toy.
- A what?

345
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,039
A golly toy.

346
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,910
Don't worry about that, though.
I mean, I have had Sambo...San...Sinbad

347
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,436
since I was about six or seven.
He's been in the family for years.

348
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,512
So, I mean, that's harmless.
I think, if I was a racist,

349
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,989
I wouldn't be about to do
what we were about to do.

350
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:51,517
Not that I know what we were about to do,
but whatever you want to do I'm up for it.

351
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,876
- Why were you trying to hide it?
- I wasn't hiding it.

352
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,555
I was putting it there because it puts me off.
Well, it doesn't put me off.

353
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,792
I was putting them altogether,
all the toys together.

354
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,951
Because all the toys are equal.

355
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,429
(PUPPET VOICE) Hello. How are you?

356
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:09,514
Hello, there... Hello, there. How are you?

357
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,594
I'm fine. I'm not a racist.
In fact, I think I fancy you.

358
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,318
Oh! Oh!

359
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,157
(PUPPETS MOANING)

360
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,754
- I think I'm going to shoot off.
- No, really?

361
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,069
- Yeah.
- Sorry.

362
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,391
No, it's totally cool. I just think
the black thing's getting in the way here.

363
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,595
No, it's not.

364
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,796
Don't worry, I don't think
you're a racist or anything.

365
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,269
I just think that it's on your mind
and you can't get past it.

366
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,113
So, you know, we should just relax
and rewind things a bit.

367
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,238
Okay. Look, can I just say something?

368
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,836
The black thing, it's not an issue.
I hardly notice it, really.

369
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,992
Maggie, it's fine. It's cool.
Let's do something next week, shall we?

370
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,798
- We'll go out Friday.
- Yes.

371
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,518
- Dinner, dancing?
- Definitely.

372
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,991
I love dancing, me. Are you a good dancer?

373
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:05,391
Not that there's any reason
why you should be a good dancer.

374
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,199
I have to... I'm going to go.
I'll speak to you tomorrow.

375
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,398
- Yeah. Okay.
- All right, see you.

376
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,357
- See you. Okay.
- Bye.

377
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,795
Thanks again for the wine and everything.

378
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,314
- Okay, bye.
- See you.

379
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,310
(DOOR CLOSING)

380
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,873
Oh!

381
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,396
- This is delicious. Try that.
- No, what are you doing?

382
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,800
- Jesus, listen to that.
- What?

383
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,040
That big...fat hippo.

384
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:40,758
(SLURPING)

385
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,593
Listen to this, right.

386
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,800
Nothing. I'm two feet away.
Now, listen to him.

387
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:47,710
(SLURPING)

388
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,269
Oh! He's driving me mental.

389
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,113
You really are Mr Grumpy Boots tonight,
aren't you?

390
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:03,194
I can't do this, sorry.
I can't go through with this.

391
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,877
I am so fed up.

392
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,031
I'm 43 years old

393
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,158
and most people my age
are out with their wives or their girlfriends.

394
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,312
I'm sat here having dinner
with another middle-aged man...

395
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,669
because I felt sorry for you.
And don't take this the wrong way,

396
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,354
I looked at you and I thought,
"What a pathetic loser."

397
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,954
And I took pity on you and that's why I came.

398
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,077
I'm worse off than you in many ways.

399
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,358
I'm lower on the chain than you.
How do you think that makes me feel?

400
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,637
And I'm not having a go at you
because I know you're a nice bloke.

401
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:40,634
But, I've got to go, mate,
because I'm actually depressed.

402
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,514
Wait, I understand.
I know what you're saying.

403
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,035
Look...

404
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,909
I got you this as a surprise.
I was going to give it to you later

405
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,833
-but you may as well have it now.
- What is it?

406
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,434
That...

407
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:05,636
is two tickets for the Ben Elton musical,
We Will Rock You.

408
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,876
What are you doing?

409
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,071
Oh! Hm...

410
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,672
See you later.

411
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:49,879
Cheers.

412
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,750
I've really had it with all this. I am so fed up.

413
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:06,638
-It'll be all right.
- What will?

414
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,872
People always say that.
What'll be all right? When will it be all right?

415
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,794
- I'm 43. I've got nothing.
- No, listen, things are looking up.

416
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:17,157
You've got a line
with Samuel L. Jackson, haven't you?

417
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:21,871
- It's a start. Please, don't be like this.
- Oh, it's just...

418
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,794
It's just after last night, I was...
How was your evening? Any better?

419
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,039
Word of advice.

420
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,760
If you get the most amazing,
gorgeous, good looking black guy

421
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,435
in the world back at your house,
don't leave your golliwog lying around.

422
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:36,238
That's remarkable advice, cheers.

423
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,960
Then he caught me trying to hide it
which made matters worse.

424
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:40,792
Why did you try and hide it?

425
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,999
I didn't want to offend him. And he was right
'cause the black thing was on my mind.

426
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,471
I didn't know whether to talk about
black things or not talk about black things.

427
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,234
I ended up talking about
what I thought he wanted to hear.

428
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:54,199
Don't pander to him just because he's black.

429
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,999
- If he says, "I like reggae," and you don't...
- Which I don't.

430
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:58,878
...then say you don't.

431
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,952
It's not being racist. It's having an opinion.

432
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:06,352
- I'll go and have a wee word with him now.
- Aye, go and have a wee word with him.

433
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,793
- Hi.
- Hey.

434
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,190
- Can I have a quick word?
- Yes, of course.

435
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,715
I just wanted to say that I hate reggae.

436
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:19,158
- Sorry?
- I hate reggae, I hate it.

437
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:23,791
It's slow, everything sounds the same,
it's boring, I can't be doing with it.

438
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,279
What do you think?

439
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:27,670
- I don't particularly like reggae, either.
- Right.

440
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,910
Well, even if you did like it,
I would still hate it.

441
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,469
- What sort of music do you like?
-Well, I like jazz.

442
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,551
I hate jazz. I hate it.

443
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,598
In fact, do you know
who I really hate in jazz?

444
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,877
You know that big fat black man?
Him with the big fat puffed out cheeks

445
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,316
and his bulging out eyes and everything,
he's like trumpet man.

446
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,074
- Sasquatch...
- Satchmo. Louis Armstrong.

447
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,390
- Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hi.

448
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,673
- Do you hate all jazz?
- Yeah, that's just my opinion.

449
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,274
It's not based on anything else
other than the music

450
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:59,990
because I hate anybody doing it,
you know, like black or white.

451
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,391
Sorry, we were just having
a conversation about music.

452
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,391
Obviously, she doesn't hate jazz.

453
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,393
Yes, I do, but I like
lots of other things, white or black.

454
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:12,519
- I like you, for example. I think you're great.
- Thank you.

455
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:17,231
I don't normally watch films more than once,
but I thought The Matrix, I loved it.

456
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,073
-It was amazing.
- Yes, it's a good film.

457
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,551
- Good film, that's all she's saying.
- And you were brilliant in it.

458
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:26,797
I wasn't in that one.

459
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,598
- Wasn't in it.
- Yeah, you were.

460
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,353
- He should know.
- You were in The Matrix.

461
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:31,839
- He was the main one.
- No.

462
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,197
No, I can assure you I was not in The Matrix
but Laurence Fishburne was.

463
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,840
- That's why you're confused.
- I know what you're thinking.

464
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,150
She doesn't think you all look alike.

465
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,793
If that's...what you were thinking.

466
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,919
No, I'm just saying she doesn't...
She's not racist.

467
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,116
- No, sir.
- No way, she's not a racist.

468
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,989
In fact, she's been trying to get a black guy
to shag her for a few weeks so...

469
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,434
That one.

470
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:59,275
Specifically. But, I mean, it's open to all.
Not all, I mean, you...definitely.

471
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:01,237
I know you're married

472
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,711
but, if you wanted to,
you could be up her like a rat up a drainpipe.

473
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,672
Yeah. Okay.

474
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,313
Pulp Fiction.

475
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,758
- Are we ready for the next shot?
- Yeah, are we ready yet?

476
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:29,070
Why are they keeping him waiting...?

477
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:34,111
- Can I see you about...
- Yeah, we're off. We're off.

478
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,431
Yeah, but we can't because you've got
the line with Samuel L. Jackson.

479
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,399
I haven't, that's the point.
I haven't got a line with Samuel L. Jackson

480
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,710
because the line "Right up a drainpipe".

481
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,031
Okay, well, cheers, everyone. Thanks.

482
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,353
That's my hat there.

483
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:51,398
ANDY: Yeah, that's it.
Another good day being friends with you.

484
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,949
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
BY CAT STEVENS)