1
00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:05,271
Maybe I'm stupid,

2
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:07,911
maybe the jury's stupid.

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,469
So many things don't add up.

4
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,790
You say you were in a restaurant,

5
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,475
you ate alone, but no one remembers you.

6
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,110
And the flowers,

7
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,592
the flowers.

8
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:29,835
It seems very odd that you would send
your wife flowers and not include a card.

9
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,469
Whenever I sent my wife flowers,
I always wrote a card.

10
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,710
Objection!

11
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,918
- When did you ever send me flowers?
- I sent you flowers.

12
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,355
Name me one occasion
when you sent me flowers?

13
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,239
- After your mother died.
- A wreath doesn't count.

14
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:47,312
- Of course it does.
- Does that count?

15
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,198
(MURMURING)

16
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,318
- My Lord, does that count?
- It's still flowers.

17
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,471
You asked when did I ever send you flowers.

18
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,110
- Let's stick to the facts, shall we?
- Shove your facts and your flowers...

19
00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,190
(GAVEL POUNDING)

20
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,839
Order! Order!

21
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:05,153
I order you to kiss and make up.

22
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,594
- My Lord?
- My Lord?

23
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:10,398
You heard me.

24
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,400
(ALL APPLAUDING)

25
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,954
And cut there. Thank you, everybody.
Thank you very much, guys.

26
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,114
MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, cut there,
thank you. Thanks, Pete.

27
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,472
(MOBILE RINGING)

28
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,711
- Hello?
- All right?

29
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,916
- Hey, how you doing?
- Nervous.

30
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,638
- Why?
- Big night, innit?

31
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,314
- Why, why, what's happened?
- Filming the sitcom.

32
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:02,153
- What sitcom?
- My sitcom. You're coming down.

33
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,039
Oh, yeah. I thought that was next week.

34
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,476
No, it's tonight, 7:30.
Then every Thursday for six weeks.

35
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,074
- Put it in your diary.
- I haven't got a diary.

36
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,720
-It's a figure of speech.
- You doing a speech?

37
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,791
Well, this has been helpful. I'm glad I called.

38
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,393
Listen, let me know how it goes, eh?

39
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,758
- You're coming down.
- Oh, right then. Well, what time does it start?

40
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,400
- 7:30.
- All right then. Bye.

41
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,232
All right, cheers.

42
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:40,829
Thank you.

43
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:44,834
- All right, see you later. Bye, yeah. Hiya.
- Hi.

44
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,196
- What were you rolling your eyes at?
- Just all that lot.

45
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,069
All, ooh, fawning all over you.
That must get a bit exhausting, eh?

46
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,276
Yeah, it can be pretty exhausting, yeah.

47
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,113
Well, especially 'cause they're just doing it
'cause you're famous.

48
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,555
Well, they're not doing it
just 'cause I'm famous, though.

49
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:03,235
- Well, it is, though, innit?
- No, it's my looks as well.

50
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:08,156
Hmm. I just don't think that they would be
acting like that if you weren't a film star.

51
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,834
Yeah, they pretty much would, yeah.
I've always had attention.

52
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:15,949
No, well, all I'm saying is, like, if you were
the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.

53
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,557
What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored.

54
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,712
I'll tell you who does get ignored.
Johnny Depp.

55
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,077
On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean
the birds just walk straight past him,

56
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,232
"Get out the bloody way, whoever you are,
we wanna get to Orlando."

57
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,994
- They're round me like flies round shit.
- They ignore Johnny Depp?

58
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:37,278
Yeah. They're going, "Oh, Orlando, who's
that freak over there that we didn't notice?"

59
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,476
I'm going, "It's Johnny Depp," you know,

60
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,110
and they're going, "Who cares?
You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings."

61
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,874
"Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies.

62
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:50,557
"Oh, I've got scissors for hands."
Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker.

63
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,752
MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, stand by,
everybody. Stand by, thank you.

64
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,354
Hey, buddy!

65
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,796
- All right? How's it going, all set?
- I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.

66
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,996
- No?
- This is not the comedy I set out to do.

67
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:11,914
I wanted something real that people
would relate to and it's all changed

68
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,799
- because people have stuck their nose in.
- Yeah, I'm hearing you.

69
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,269
But do you know what,
this is typical first-night nerves, all right?

70
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,000
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Oh, the script's not funny."

71
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,071
You know, "It's crass,
it's lowest common denominator."

72
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,389
And, you know, you're right.

73
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,915
But don't worry about it because
people will watch anything, all right?

74
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,958
Particularly if it's on after EastEnders
and they ain't got to change the channel.

75
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,236
Those sort of morons
will help us win the ratings war,

76
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,197
and, you know,
ratings in the end are what count.

77
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,271
- And merchandise.
- Well, it's not what counts for me, all right?

78
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,954
I wanted to write a good credible comedy
that would stand the test of time.

79
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,599
Yeah, I know. I agree, I was just saying that

80
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,273
'cause that's what
I thought you wanted me to say.

81
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,431
Well, don't. Tell the truth.

82
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,239
I will, and the truth is,
if you're not happy, I'm right behind you.

83
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,550
- Right.
- And I've got the perfect replacement.

84
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,917
- For what?
- For you, for your character. It's only Barry.

85
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,229
(ANDY SIGHING)

86
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,118
- All right, Shaun?
- He's all set, knows all the lines,

87
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,476
he's ready to go, can step in.
What's your character's catchphrase?

88
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,074
It's not a catchphrase. It's something
the real Ray used to actually say.

89
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,833
What was it?

90
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,480
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

91
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,119
Look at that, nothing, stony face.

92
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,919
And I love a giggle me.
I love a laugh, don't I? You do it.

93
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,877
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

94
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,190
(LAUGHING) It's good, innit?
I don't know how he comes up with it.

95
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:14,509
- He didn't come up with it.
- Yeah.

96
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,113
The thing about Barry is,
and I've noticed this, right,

97
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,830
people will laugh at him,
they never laugh with him. It's extraordinary.

98
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,069
Look at that face.

99
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,629
There's a sort of undercurrent
of tragedy to it, isn't there? Do it.

100
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,030
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

101
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:30,591
- I love it, because he's desperate.
- Yeah, the role's taken, cheers.

102
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:34,116
- Pardon us. Hello, how's it going? All right?
- Yeah, everything all right?

103
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,077
- I think so. Damon?
- Yeah, everybody's in.

104
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,629
Rehearsals should kick off
about twenty past.

105
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,714
- Right.
- Just one teeny-incy-winsy-little hiccup,

106
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,155
Paul Shane's dropped out.

107
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,631
- Why?
- He was worried it was a little bit too broad.

108
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,633
Paul Shane thinks this is too broad? Right.

109
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,350
Well, it's only a little part, isn't it? And we've
got a replacement, Keith's on his way.

110
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,795
- Keith?
- Keith Chegwin.

111
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,316
Keith Chegwin? Can he act?
He's a TV presenter, isn't he?

112
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,914
We thought it'd add a nice little bit
of extra kitsch value.

113
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,911
Yeah, great.

114
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,389
- See that, that does annoy me a little bit.
- Why?

115
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,155
Well, if you're looking for a podgy fella
who'll do anything to get on the telly, Barry.

116
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:13,913
You were trying to get him my part
a minute ago.

117
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,434
Well, he's versatile. He's multi-talented.

118
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,397
You never even saw his one-man version
of Romeo and Juliet.

119
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,198
Do a bit for them. It was brilliant.

120
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:22,796
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

121
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,199
What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?

122
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:30,274
The exchange of thy love's
faithful vow for mine.

123
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:34,071
Oh, I gave thee mine
before thou didst request it,

124
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:38,279
and yet I would it were to give again.

125
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:47,320
- Always gets me, that bit. Well done.
- All right, okay.

126
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,356
- Maggie. Hello.
- Oh, hi.

127
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:02,276
You're not still an extra are you?
Oh, God, that must do your head in.

128
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,920
You know I'm an actress now?
How long have you been an extra?

129
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,230
- Supporting artist.
- How long have you been doing that now?

130
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,438
I only did it about 18 months
and then I was plucked out of the cesspool.

131
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,318
- No disrespect.
- None taken.

132
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,311
I've got a scene later with Orlando Bloom.

133
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,754
- Ah.
- He's gorgeous.

134
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,275
Well... I just did a scene with him.

135
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,352
No, but yeah, I mean,
I've got an actual scene with dialogue,

136
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,511
not just a fuzzy blob in the background.

137
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,318
- No disrespect.
- None taken, again.

138
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,435
(MOBILE RINGING)

139
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,079
Oh, hang on. Oh, it's Matty Bowers.

140
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,559
- I've just got to take this.
-It's okay.

141
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,392
Hello, darling.

142
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,634
Listen, listen...
No, Matt, can I just call you back?

143
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,677
- Sorry I'm just with a friend.
- It's all right. I'm all right.

144
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,559
Yes, she is female.

145
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:48,510
Oh, he says can I take a picture of you?
Hold on a sec, hang on.

146
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:49,999
(CAMERA PHONE CLICKING)

147
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,789
I'll text it to you. You're a dirty old man. Bye.

148
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,273
Actually, he's not old.
He's 28 and he's got his own yacht.

149
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,795
- Oh. Oh.
- He's quite a catch.

150
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,474
So where you living at the moment?
Have you got your own place?

151
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,473
- Yes, I've got my own place.
- 'Cause you were renting before.

152
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,437
That grotty little council place
behind Londis.

153
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:11,115
- Yeah, I'm still there.
- You're well, though?

154
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,192
- Surprisingly.
- Yeah, well, that's the main thing, yeah.

155
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,193
Even if you've got nothing else,
at least you've got your health, eh?

156
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,271
- At the moment.
- Yeah.

157
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,954
Talking of bad luck.
Did you hear about Barbara?

158
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:27,718
Trevor's left her for a younger model.
She is devastated, honestly, all alone,

159
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,519
crying herself to sleep every night
in that big house.

160
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,319
She has got her own house, at least,
which is something.

161
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:34,435
Good for her.

162
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:35,510
(MOBILE BEEPING)

163
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,398
Oh, that'll be Matty.

164
00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:41,599
Oh. No.

165
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:44,358
Never mind.

166
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,750
Oh, he's late again.
Alfie's going to be in so much trouble.

167
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,116
Well, I'm not carrying the can for him again.

168
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:55,239
Well, there's no excuses this time.
Mr Stokes said if he's late one more time,

169
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,755
he's gonna give him the brush off.

170
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,829
Oh, here he is. Alfie, not again.

171
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,436
- Why are you late?
- Because I buried me sister today!

172
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,198
Yep, great. Let's move on. Next scene.

173
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,113
Sorry, I don't want to interfere.
Is that how he's gonna do it?

174
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,589
Because it's meant to be a sad line,
"I buried my sister today."

175
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,717
He was smiling. It's got to be an emotional...

176
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,394
- Hang on, everyone.
- Sorry, Keith, can we try that again?

177
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,471
You were smiling, mate, it's...

178
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,995
They all sort of think you're a joke
'cause you're always late,

179
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,390
but today you've got a valid reason,
you buried your sister.

180
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,518
It's sort of like a...
Oh, it's like an emotional point in the show.

181
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,716
- Could we do it again?
- Yeah, no worries.

182
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,440
Okay, sorry.

183
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:42,151
You're smiling again.
You mustn't smile, you're sad. Okay?

184
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,470
You've just been to a funeral.

185
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,872
Okay, in you come.

186
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:53,469
Alfie, not again. Why are you late?

187
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:57,355
Because I buried my sister today.

188
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,079
Don't look at the camera.

189
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,151
- You mustn't look at the camera.
- Sorry.

190
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,389
- Okay?
- Yeah.

191
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,437
It sort of breaks the illusion this is real life.

192
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,272
- Right.
- Go again.

193
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,674
Okay, in you come, action.

194
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,272
You're smiling. Sad.

195
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,998
You looked straight at the lens again.
Good, double whammy, and again.

196
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,559
Action.

197
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,869
- Alfie, not again. Why are you late?
- Because I...

198
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,032
We can't see you, Keith,
you've gone too far, okay?

199
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,794
You've got to stay on that mark,
the blue mark down there,

200
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,316
that's for you to stand on
'cause that's where the camera is pointing

201
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,198
and then we can see your face.

202
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,033
So, just to recap, come in,
not smiling 'cause you're sad

203
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,794
'cause you just buried your sister,
don't look at the camera

204
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,430
and stand on that mark
so we can see you on the telly.

205
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,874
Okay?

206
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,430
- There's a lot to remember, isn't there?
- There is a lot to remember.

207
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:54,390
There is a lot to remember.
It's called acting. Okay, okay, action.

208
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:56,794
Sad!

209
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,399
Too far, left a bit, don't look at me!
Okay, ask him the question.

210
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,949
- Why are you late?
- Because my sister buried me today.

211
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,759
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Why would your sister bury you?

212
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,549
- That'd be mental!
- Oh, sorry, I get so confused.

213
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,874
- The thing is my sister's not dead.
- What?

214
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:18,233
I told them when I started,
me sister, she's not dead.

215
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,992
- Do you mean in real life?
- Yeah.

216
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,030
Presumably you don't work in a factory
in real life?

217
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,077
- No.
- And your name's not Alfie.

218
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,833
Yeah, you see, that's another thing.

219
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,436
Sometimes I don't know
who's talking to who.

220
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,639
Would you rather be called Keith in this?

221
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,358
It would help.

222
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,199
Okay, everyone, we're changing
Keith's character name from Alfie to Keith.

223
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,510
Okay? Good. Let's go again.

224
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:52,910
This time, then. Okay, in you come, Keith.

225
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,640
- Keith me or Keith the character?
- Same person!

226
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,758
Keith... Okay,
Keith you and Keith the character,

227
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,958
all-in-one Keith, okay, in you come. Action!

228
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,790
- The door's stuck.
- That's lunch!

229
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,470
Okay. No, okay, bye. Bye.

230
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,512
Yeah, just a call to do a small part in a film,
but I just had to let them down,

231
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,432
- I'm too busy.
- Aw.

232
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,319
- Oh, I wonder if they'd want you.
- No, I wouldn't have thought so.

233
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,471
- No, hang on, let me give them a call.
- No, no.

234
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,154
Try and help my bloody mates.
You need the help.

235
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,436
- But I'm not even a proper actress.
- Hang on.

236
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,798
Hiya, Pauline. Listen, about that job,
I've got a friend who's available.

237
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:37,670
Does she have to be good looking?
Does she? Oh.

238
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,792
Oh, I don't know, late 30s, early 40s.

239
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,394
- I'd say mousy.
- Blonde.

240
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,599
But lovely girl, great personality,
desperate for anything.

241
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:54,518
No. All right, well, I tried. Okay, cheers.

242
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,638
Oh, sorry about that.

243
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,758
-It's not your lucky day.
- No.

244
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,233
- You okay?
- Yeah.

245
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,471
MAN: Come on, up you go.

246
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,359
- All right?
- Yeah.

247
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,876
I'm back again.

248
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,111
Fourteen years I did here at the BBC.

249
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:31,478
Swap Shop, Cheggers Plays Pop, all sorts.

250
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,750
Still run by Jews and queers, is it?

251
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,229
- It's what?
- This place.

252
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,395
Still run by your Jews and queers?

253
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,439
I think there are some Jewish people
and some gay people, yeah.

254
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,838
Gay!

255
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:54,276
Yeah, I forgot,
you're not meant to say "queer", are you?

256
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,920
Suggests something abnormal.

257
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,158
What could be more normal
than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse?

258
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:07,559
And put it this way,
if God had wanted a cock up an arse,

259
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,029
he wouldn't have given us minges.

260
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,192
Men have knobs,

261
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,117
women have fannies.

262
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,196
Pop knob in fanny,

263
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,793
not up the arse.

264
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,518
Good. I should be making notes.

265
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,109
- You what?
- Nothing. It's... It's all good advice.

266
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,631
- Hi.
- Hello again.

267
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,599
- What are you reading?
- Oh, just Hello!

268
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,318
Oh, yeah, heat.

269
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,953
- Oh, no, I don't believe it.
- What is it?

270
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,316
Just Top 5 Sexiest Film Stars,
for God's sake.

271
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,471
- Are you in it?
- Number one.

272
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,309
- Stupid. What do they mean, these lists?
- Nothing really.

273
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,153
Don't slag them off. It's their opinion. Just...

274
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,870
Oh, no. Look at this woman magazine.

275
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,829
"I'm having an affair
with my brother-in-law's ghost"?

276
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,675
No, that. Women's Top Ten Fantasy Snogs.
Number one again.

277
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,876
What's that thing about the ghost?

278
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,190
"My, um... My husband's brother's ghost
visits me at night

279
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,194
-"and I think I'm falling in love with him."
- Do they have sex?

280
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,517
Well, it doesn't say.
But it doesn't matter, does it?

281
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,114
Look, we were looking at
the Number One Fantasy Snog For Women.

282
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,237
Number one, Orlando Bloom.

283
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,434
Oh, better not show this to Johnny Depp.
He's only number four.

284
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,716
Really? He'd be my number one.

285
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:45,350
Well, you'd be wrong, wouldn't you?
I'm number one, there's the proof.

286
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,238
It was the same on the set of
Pirates of the Caribbean.

287
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,756
Me and Keira Knightley do a kissing scene,
I do a brilliant take, everyone claps,

288
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,150
the director goes, "That was amazing."

289
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,629
Keira goes,
"Oh, can we just do that kissing bit again?"

290
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,394
Well, I know what she's up to.

291
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,676
And I tease her, and I go,
"if you wanna kiss somebody,

292
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,194
"why don't you kiss Johnny Depp?"

293
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:06,239
She goes, "Don't make me fucking sick.
I'm gonna vomit if you carry on like that."

294
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,879
Why do you keep talking
about Johnny Depp?

295
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,474
I don't keep talking about him.
I never talk about him, he's boring.

296
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,676
He's a prat. Where I'm from,
he wouldn't last five minutes.

297
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,637
- He'd get a smack straightaway.
- Where are you from?

298
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,599
- Haply-on-the-Wold, near Royal Windsor.
- Oh.

299
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,799
But they're all subjective, though,
those lists, though, aren't they?

300
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,520
Well, no. Obviously,
lam objectively really good-looking.

301
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,352
But it's not objective, is it?

302
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,876
Personally, I think you're a wee bit...

303
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,757
What's that? You winding me up?

304
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,309
- Come out for a drink later.
- I can't, I'm meeting my friend.

305
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,152
Come out for a coffee with me,
you know. Come on.

306
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,709
Just get to know me,
get to know the normal me,

307
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,474
take a better look and, you know,
see the attractiveness.

308
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,631
But I don't think you are.

309
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,754
Liar.

310
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,276
- Try them on.
- Bit wacky, aren't they?

311
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,556
Big glasses are funny.

312
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,678
- The real Ray didn't even wear glasses.
- Put them on.

313
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,353
- That's funny. Do the catchphrase.
- It's not a catchphrase.

314
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,239
- It's something he actually used to say.
- Do it.

315
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,358
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

316
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,478
- Now the wig.
- What about that one?

317
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,598
- It looks ridiculous.
- That looks funny.

318
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,990
- He didn't even have curly hair.
- Curly is funny.

319
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,550
- What do you mean, curly is funny?
- Curly hair is funny.

320
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,876
Harpo Marx, Leo Sayer.

321
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,429
I can name you loads of people
with curly hair that aren't funny.

322
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,751
Starsky from Starsky and Hutch,
Jim Morrison.

323
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,195
- Blacks.
- Don't say blacks.

324
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,432
- What shall I say?
- Say black people.

325
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:47,753
- Okay, black people aren't funny.
- Black people are funny, Keith.

326
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,239
Name one black person that's funny.

327
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:52,039
I can name you loads of black people
that are funny. Dave Chappelle,

328
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,589
- Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy.
- English.

329
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,318
Don't change the rules half way through.

330
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,472
There are loads of funny
English black people, too.

331
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:03,715
Who?

332
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,155
Um...

333
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,312
Um...

334
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,155
MAN OVER RADIO: Paul on two, Paul on two.

335
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,115
- Good news.
- Oh, more good news. Excellent.

336
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,511
Right, Eddie Osbourne, electrician.

337
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,593
He split up with his wife a while ago
and he's back on the market.

338
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,956
- Lovely guy,  just your type.
- Really?

339
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,919
Sweet guy. He's a lovely guy. Interested?

340
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,390
- Yeah.
- Great. Eddie?

341
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,080
Yo!

342
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,514
This is her.

343
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,238
(EXHALING)

344
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,796
- No? Oh, never mind.
- Not bothered.

345
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,239
I just don't know where you're going wrong.

346
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:07,353
- Right. Kiss me. One kiss, come on.
- No.

347
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,000
One kiss, just let me show you how I do it.
No tongues if you don't want.

348
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,469
Right. If it's gonna shut you up.

349
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:20,435
(BLOOM SIGHS)

350
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,433
- Well?
- Not really my cup of tea.

351
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:35,998
Sorry about that.

352
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,675
You're in this club, this vision walks up.

353
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,874
She says, "Hi, handsome,
wanna buy me a drink?"

354
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,395
- What do you say?
- I say, "I'm not made of money."

355
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,278
Oh, you're never
gonna get a woman like that.

356
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,749
No, I don't want a woman like that.

357
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,992
Go on, be nice to her, caress her hair.

358
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,196
No, don't pat her, she's not a dog.

359
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,840
She must be a dog
if she's going out with him. Oh!

360
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,433
Oh, Mr Stokes.

361
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,517
I'm sorry, um...

362
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,153
- Maybe waggle the glasses?
- I'm not sure about the glasses.

363
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,277
Oh, you've got to have the glasses,
it's hysterical.

364
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,715
- I don't think so.
- It's definitely funnier with the glasses.

365
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,235
- Oh, yeah, it is, I agree.
- There's a surprise.

366
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,711
Well, I'm sorry that my presence here
as head of comedy irritates you,

367
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,438
but I've been in this business
a lot longer than you,

368
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,399
and my opinion will be heard
because I'm the man with the money.

369
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,232
- It's not your money, though, is it?
- No,

370
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,789
but I'm entrusted to make sure
that it's spent correctly.

371
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,918
Oh, we'll make sure it's spent correctly,
which is apparently on funny glasses.

372
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,229
I'll just take five, right?

373
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:43,993
- Yes.
- Yeah, all right.

374
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,838
- Oh, do you mind if I take these for later on?
- No.

375
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,389
Can I just say that I know
what you're going through?

376
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:57,110
My character on EastEnders, he started out
as an interesting three-dimensional person,

377
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,430
but then over the years the writers
turned him into a joke,

378
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,592
and that's why I walked away, you know,
it wasn't what I wanted to do.

379
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,832
And I know some people
look at me now and say I was a fool

380
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:10,073
but I know that I walked away
with my integrity and my pride intact.

381
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,551
I just think you've gotta do
what you think is right.

382
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,990
- Iain, can I have a word?
- Yeah, what is it?

383
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:25,119
This isn't the comedy I set out to make,
okay? In fact, I think it's awful.

384
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,635
Yeah, well, shall we not do this here,
shall we go up to my office...

385
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,234
No, I don't care who hears
what I've got to say

386
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,597
because I'm at that point now.
Everyone's interfered, it's embarrassing.

387
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,353
I don't want to get on television
for the sake of it.

388
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,956
I don't want to be famous for the sake of it.
I want to do something that I'm proud of.

389
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:43,238
And I won't be proud
of shouting out catchphrases

390
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,913
in a stupid wig and funny glasses.

391
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,356
I wanna do what I wanna do, otherwise
I'll hate myself for the rest of my life.

392
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,477
And I tell you what, a case in point.

393
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:54,315
Shaun, on EastEnders, they started to turn
his character into a joke

394
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:58,519
and he walked away at the top of his game.
That's called integrity.

395
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:03,197
Okay, it doesn't matter what happens
to him now 'cause he's got his dignity.

396
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,791
- Shall I...
- Leave it.

397
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:37,878
So basically, I'm not gonna prostitute
myself any more, or my work, okay?

398
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:41,635
I'm just sick of people coming along,
telling me how they think it should be done

399
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,552
and me just having to bend over
and take it up the arse.

400
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,918
Ah! Oh, sorry, can we just say no disrespect
to either of you as gays?

401
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,435
You know, we don't know
if you're givers or receivers,

402
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,079
very difficult to tell just from looking at you.

403
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,037
Although if I was putting money on it,
I'd probably go...

404
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,599
We don't need to put money on it.

405
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,273
(CLEARING THROAT)

406
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,674
You've heard what I've got to say.

407
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,752
Right, well, thank you
for telling us how you feel.

408
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,793
So here's how I see things going forward.

409
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,793
You can either carry on and record
this show as we've already planned,

410
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:20,191
or you can pull the plug,
waste everybody's time and hard work,

411
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,794
waste the thousands of pounds
we've already spent so far,

412
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:26,032
burn all your bridges with the BBC
and you can go back to being an extra

413
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:29,272
and then you can work your way
back up again from nothing.

414
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,271
What do you want to do?

415
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:43,353
- Well...
- What do you want to do?

416
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,953
Sitcom.

417
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,874
This can be good.
That's what I've been trying to say.

418
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,635
This... Finish this off, 'cause it can...

419
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,429
I don't wanna let people down. I wanna
get on with this. I wanna get this on the telly.

420
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,194
And then in the future, maybe look
at doing it the way I wanted to do it.

421
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,510
- Yeah, or not.
- Or not, see how it goes.

422
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,557
That's all I wanna...

423
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,590
- Right. Yeah.
- Yeah?

424
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:09,914
- Okay.
- Good.

425
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,390
- Andy?
- Yeah?

426
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,437
- Don't forget your...
- Glasses.

427
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:16,833
Right.

428
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,519
- Hi.
- Cutting it a bit fine, aren't you?

429
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,318
I know, sorry I'm late.

430
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,277
- Everything all right?
- Yeah.

431
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,351
- No first-night nerves?
- No, no, no.

432
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:41,956
I actually had to kick a bit of arse earlier
'cause I was getting sick of all this,

433
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:43,633
-"Is it a good comedy? Is it a bad comedy?"
- Yeah.

434
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,280
I just went, "Look, it's a good comedy
if it pleases people.

435
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,998
"Can we get on with it?"
Do you know what I mean?

436
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,832
I think comedy should be as broad
as possible,

437
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,389
so you take everyone in.
I want the whole family to like this.

438
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,551
- I want four-year-olds to like this.
- They will.

439
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,951
Do you know what I mean? And if it
doesn't stand the test of time, so what?

440
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:02,989
Do something else, but, you know,
bring as much joy into the world as you can.

441
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,436
- That's all.
- Yeah, well, as long as you're happy.

442
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,717
I'm happy if people are happy.

443
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,117
- Are you definitely gonna do this? Yeah?
- Yeah.

444
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:17,192
- You're definitely gonna go on and...
- Yes.

445
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:18,315
Yeah.

446
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,596
- Forget it, Barry, he's gonna do it, mate.
- Fuck.

447
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,320
I know. I'm as annoyed as you are, man.

448
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:36,950
Bloody hell, Rita, you look terrible.
Life as a single mum getting to you?

449
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:41,318
I was up till 2:00 am
doing me daughter's science homework.

450
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,870
Did you know that Alexander Fleming
discovered penicillin

451
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,520
when he found mould
on some old bread he'd left out?

452
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,634
Oh, he should look under Gobbler's bed,
he'd find a new species.

453
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:56,116
He'd find a new species
if he looked in Gobbler's bed.

454
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:01,719
- I don't get it.
- You don't get it?

455
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:06,192
I've been without a man so long,
I think I'd say yes if Ray asked me out.

456
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:11,116
- My ears are burning.
- Maybe I can last a few more years.

457
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,551
Morning, campers.
Well, congratulations are in order.

458
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,200
You all successfully clocked in
on time this morning,

459
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,874
you just forgot to start bloody work!

460
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:26,153
Steady on, Mr Stokes,
we've been comforting Rita.

461
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:29,596
She's been up all night trying to get
her head round some fella called Alexander.

462
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,399
Oh, lucky beggar.

463
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,711
- No one who works here I hope.
- No, he's dead.

464
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,549
You cooked for him as well? He he!

465
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,713
Oh, Mr Stokes, will you be nice to her?

466
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,234
(MUMBLING)

467
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:48,154
Well, Rita, I know you've had your problems,
but I want you to know this.

468
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:52,632
- The door to my office is always open.
- Thank you, Mr Stokes.

469
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:56,953
Yeah, I think it's the bloody hinges.
Get off your arse and fix it, will you?

470
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,555
- I haven't got any tools.
- You're joking? You've got two right here.

471
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,836
Gobbler's a complete spanner.

472
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,471
I don't get it.

473
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,838
What Mr Stokes has cleverly done,
with recourse to a pun,

474
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:14,470
is take Rita's usage of the word "tool",

475
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:18,474
a device that performs manual
or mechanical work,

476
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:24,112
and transpose its meaning
into the vulgar, slang definition of "tool",

477
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,192
meaning the male reproductive appendage.

478
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,518
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

479
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,318
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

480
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,432
You're having a laugh!

481
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:39,238
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

482
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,034
He is having a laugh.

483
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:45,878
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

484
00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,396
Ooh. You're having a laugh.

485
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,080
RITA: Oh, I got a letter back
from the dating agency.

486
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,357
- Yeah, this guy replied, sent me a picture.
- My word.

487
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,716
RITA: Before you ask,
it was taken on his allotment,

488
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,189
and, yes, he did win first prize.

489
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,714
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING)