1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:04,431 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 2 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,751 Right, Mr Yamaguchi's on his way up now with his lovely wife. 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,797 As you know he's thinking of investing in us. 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,679 And if he does, it'll be the best thing that happened to this company 5 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,990 since old Gladys the cook burnt down the canteen. 6 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,753 (CHUCKLING) 7 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:18,638 She wasn't a bad cook. 8 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,678 Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? 9 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,990 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 10 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:30,550 Oh, be fair, Ray. She wasn't that bad. We all loved her milky puddings. 11 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,598 Not when they dragged in the mash, we didn't. 12 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,436 Now, I don't want you and your team mucking things up for me. 13 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,238 You've prepared the traditional Japanese cuisine, have you? 14 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,719 - Yes. It's here. - Right. 15 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,314 But I'm still not sure you should have let Gobbler organise 16 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,199 -the traditional Japanese entertainment. - Why? What's he planning? 17 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,669 - Well... - No time. Here they come. 18 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,551 Mr Yamaguchi. Hello, hello. 19 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,036 - This is Rita and my team. - Hi. 20 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,270 We've prepared some traditional Japanese cuisine. 21 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,510 Welcome. I hope you like it. 22 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,235 (EXCLAIMS) 23 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,516 - Lovely. - Well done, Rita. 24 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,629 And now for your delectation, may I present Gobbler and Kimberley 25 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,678 with some traditional Japanese entertainment. 26 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:18,839 What the... Ooh... 27 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,549 # Ching Chang Chinaman milked a cow 28 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,836 # Ching Chang Chinaman didn't know how 29 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,309 # Ching Chang Chinaman pulled the wrong tit 30 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,199 # Ching Chang Chinaman covered in shit! # 31 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:41,915 (IN BARITONE) # Oh, I'm all done covered in 32 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,954 #Shit# 33 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,074 (CLEARS THROAT) 34 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:55,798 What do you think? 35 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,076 Is he having a raugh? 36 00:01:58,160 --> 00:01:59,753 Ooh! 37 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,913 # Tick tock, alarm clock I'm gonna be late 38 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,799 # Porridge, toast, kids, car Bloody school gate 39 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,713 # Factory floor, what a chore Another week's graft 40 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,235 - # And 50 times a day I hear - RAY: Are you having a laugh? 41 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:15,517 # Whatever happened to my dreams? Is this the life I chose? 42 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:19,195 # The highlight of my ruddy day is when the whistle blows 43 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:24,471 # When the whistle blows When the whistle blows 44 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:30,391 # When the whistle blows When the whistle blows 45 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:31,709 It's bad. 46 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:32,949 # When the whistle blows # 47 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,678 - It's not bad, is it? - It is. 48 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:38,754 No, no. Bad suggests that, you know, it's evil or something. You know, it's not... 49 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,595 It's poor, it's rubbish, you know. It's... It's shit. 50 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:43,954 - It's a shit sitcom. - It's a shit-com. 51 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,997 We've sorted that out. Thanks very much. 52 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,516 - That's the career over. - That's what one of the reviewers said! 53 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,040 Shouldn't really... No, I shouldn't really joke about it. It's not... 54 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,235 What are reviews like? 55 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:55,799 If I was being kind, I'd say it was a mixed bag. 56 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:56,950 - Let me have a look. - Really? 57 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,553 Yeah. Let me see them. 58 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,233 - Bar? - Yo! 59 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,551 - Can you bring some of the reviews in? - Why has he got them? 60 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,631 Got to do something with his mornings, hasn't he? 61 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,155 - Found another one. - Oh, have you? 62 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:12,029 Er, "Perhaps it's unfair to judge a sitcom on its first episode, 63 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,713 "but when a TV programme makes you want to 64 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,189 "gouge out your own eyes rather than watch one more minute, 65 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,953 "you know it's probably not your cup of tea." 66 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,874 - Ouch. Go on. Pop it in the scrapbook. - No. Don't pop it in the scrapbook. 67 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,749 - Put good ones in the scrapbook. - What... What good ones? 68 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,912 - What, there's no good ones? - Best one was the Telegraph. 69 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,833 - What did they say? - They didn't review it. 70 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,998 See you later, B. 71 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,154 Career's over. 72 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,870 Well, no, despite what they say, the viewing figures were really good, 6.2 million. 73 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:45,193 Six million people watched it last night and yet none of these liked it? 74 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:46,475 These people know about comedy, don't they? 75 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,915 They know what they're talking about, but the general public, I mean... 76 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:53,039 You said if you get your own show, the offers would come flooding in. 77 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,519 You said the phone would never stop ringing. 78 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,989 Have you had any phone calls at all? 79 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,878 - No. - No. 80 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,031 - Oh, no. What am I talking about? Sky called. - And? 81 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,999 They say they can put your dish up Thursday. 82 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,713 (PHONE RINGING) 83 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,950 - Hello. - What are you doing? 84 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:25,672 I'm actually flicking through the phone book and I'm pointing my finger on a random page 85 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,593 to see what my name could be if I wanted to change it. 86 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,591 - What have you got? - PB Grout. 87 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:36,470 - Good. As long as you're filling your days. - CT Punchaganowno. 88 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,594 But I don't look like a Punchaganowno. 89 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,512 - Are you hungry? - Yeah. 90 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,354 - Greasy spoon? - Yeah. 91 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,517 - Where am I meeting you? - Garage in 10 minutes? 92 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,398 Yep. Do you want to hear one more? 93 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,120 - Oh, go on. - TP Bronze... 94 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:01,875 - Hi. - Hi. 95 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,109 - Are you moving in? - Yeah. 96 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,430 Oh, good. I mean, do you want a hand? 97 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,272 - No. I'm fine. - Phew. 98 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,597 I'm Andy by the way. I live here, obviously. 99 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,910 - I live on the 2nd floor, 21. - Okay. 100 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,354 - I'm Cathy. - Oh, nice to meet you. 101 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,829 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 102 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,959 - Welcome to the building. - Thanks. It's nice to see someone under 40. 103 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,189 (CLEARING THROAT) 104 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,918 I thought I'd moved into an old people's home. 105 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,913 No. There are some oldies in there, some over 40s, but they're quiet. 106 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,594 - Got the old telly there. Watch a lot of telly? - I don't, no. 107 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,399 No? Last night, BBC One? 108 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:32,994 - No? - No. 109 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,798 Some good stuff on. 110 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,559 - Okay. - Okay. 111 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,234 Well, if you need someone to show you around at all, just come and... 112 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,311 - Thanks. That'd be nice. - Oh, good... 113 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,435 - All right. - Okay. 114 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,750 - See you later. - See you, bye. 115 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,475 - I saw it last night. - And? 116 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,198 Yeah. It was good. 117 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,635 - Are you just saying that? - No. 118 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,917 Too long a pause. If you're gonna lie, lie well. 119 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,673 Bits of it were funny. 120 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,195 -It doesn't count. You laugh at anything. - What? 121 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,113 I found you laughing to yourself once, and I said, "What are you laughing at?" 122 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,840 - And you said, "My toes." - Oh, yeah. Ha! 123 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,196 They are funny, though, the way they waggle. 124 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:14,998 It's you that's making them waggle. 125 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:16,673 - Spare any change? - Sorry, mate. 126 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,114 - Okay. Have a nice day. - Cheers. 127 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,795 - And good luck with the show, Andy! - Cheers. How does he know who I am? 128 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,837 Where does he watch the show, through Dixons' window? 129 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,479 You've been in all the magazines. 130 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,756 - Oh, he reads heat, does he? - Everybody reads heat. 131 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,399 Everybody reads heat. 132 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,039 Now I'll have to start giving money to the homeless. 133 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,155 Why? 134 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,311 'Cause I don't want people to say Andy Millman hates the poor. 135 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,959 You don't just hate the poor, you hate everyone. 136 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,077 That's why it's so unfair. 137 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,229 Sorry, but I've only got, like, 8p in change, or a 20. 138 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,833 - Just give him the 20. - No. He said change. 139 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,752 - You said change, didn't you? Cheers. - Yeah, whatever. 140 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,956 Your TV show's doing all right, though, is it? 141 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,792 - Yeah, yeah. - Good, good. 142 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,194 Pay well? 143 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:57,639 Yeah, erm... 144 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,836 Haven't you got anything else? Have you got like a quid? 145 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,597 - You haven't got a ten and five, have you? - I haven't. 146 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,913 - Of course he doesn't. He's homeless. - I know he's homeless. I'm not blind. 147 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,160 (GROANING) 148 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:19,920 (SIGHING) 149 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,679 Twenty for nothing. 150 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,999 - Is that the most you've ever been given? - One bloke gave me 50 once. 151 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,994 That is mental! That is... He must have been a pervert. 152 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:33,675 Twenty quid, though. 153 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:37,515 Considering your average is probably what, 20p or something. 154 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:42,631 I do come past here quite a lot, so we'll count that as a few goes. 155 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,589 Can't do that every day. Say it's, I don't know, three months of leaving me alone. 156 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,159 - Leaving you alone? - No. 157 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,913 If you're gonna have this attitude, I don't want it. 158 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,718 - No, no. - No, seriously. Take it back. I don't want it. 159 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,394 I'm just saying I couldn't do that... 160 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,714 What will you say to people about this? 161 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,116 I'll probably say, "Don't ask Andy Millman for money 162 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,838 "because he'd only give it to you begrudgingly." 163 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:09,879 Well, no, say that I offered you 20, the second most you've ever been given, 164 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,759 and then I insulted you and you made me take it back. 165 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:16,117 But mention the 20 in any anecdote slagging me off. 166 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,509 - Oh, just take it. Just take it, it's fine. - Fine. 167 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,639 - Nice aftershave, by the way. - Cheers. 168 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,916 - What is it? - Calvin Klein. 169 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,030 Apparently Vernon Kay uses that. 170 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:35,874 Okay, cheers. 171 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,754 Why are we walking back this way? This is the way we came. 172 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,673 Now I've got to walk past him again. You... 173 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,598 - See you later. - Yeah. 174 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,472 Oh, walked too fast. 175 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:57,474 - You did? - Yeah. 176 00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:01,315 Oh! She's moving into my block. 177 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,676 I spoke to her earlier. I think there's a bit of a vibe, right? 178 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,080 I'm gonna go and talk to her. 179 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,039 You come over, okay? Just ask for an autograph... 180 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,078 Yeah, and just say something like, "I think you're the most amazing actor on TV." 181 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,356 You're already using your new powers for evil. 182 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,000 - You've got to use what you can. - Fair enough. 183 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,557 Hello. Need any help here? 184 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,950 Thank you. A big, strong man's just what I need. 185 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,075 Will I do? 186 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,276 - Yeah! - Excuse me? 187 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,714 - Are you Andy Millman? - Yeah. 188 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,234 Star of the new sitcom When The Whistle Blows? 189 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:33,913 - Yeah. - Can I get your autograph, please? 190 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,354 No worries. 191 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,912 - Who's it to? - Me. 192 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,718 Yeah, but I don't know your name, do I? 193 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:40,870 (LAUGHING) 194 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,633 - Maggie. - Maggie. 195 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,510 Can I just say that I think you're the most amazing comedy actor on television? 196 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,193 Oh! Not amazing! 197 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,672 - But that's what you told me to say. - Shut up. 198 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,109 Okay. How many have you got? 199 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,199 Did he ask you to come over and say that? 200 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:07,394 - I don't know. - You don't know if he asked you to say it? 201 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,838 No. I don't know. 202 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,749 Are you friends? 203 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,672 - Are we friends? - Yeah. 204 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,554 Unlikely. 205 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,513 - Well, we have met. - Have we? 206 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,956 Oh... Yeah. I didn't... Changed your... 207 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:27,757 Hello, you all right? I didn't realise. Are you, um... Are you still... 208 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,040 Those aren't going to move themselves. 209 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,519 See you later. 210 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,075 - Andy, am I coming with you? - Yeah. 211 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:55,392 - Are you still thinking about the reviews? - Yes, the terrible, terrible reviews. 212 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,517 Think about the good ones. 213 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,039 What am I gonna do now? 214 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,589 I'll never get over this. I'll just spend years and years 215 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:08,038 trying to claw back credibility by doing anything, just popping up in bad films 216 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,636 and charity events, just begging forgiveness. 217 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:15,239 They'd forgive you if you did Celebrity Fit Club. 218 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,756 - Brilliant. What else? What else could I do? - There's Celebrity Love Island. 219 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,834 Why would I do a show that when I watched it, I was praying for a tsunami? 220 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,115 Oh. 221 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,960 - Do you want to just go to the pub? - Yeah. 222 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,676 That's the beginning. "Depressed TV star drinks himself to death." 223 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,159 Oh, don't be daft. 224 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:37,359 You're not a star. And being fat will kill you before the drink does. 225 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,635 Are you sure you can come to the pub? 226 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,393 You're not manning the phones at the Samaritans tonight? 227 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,756 - No. - No? Okay, pub it is, then. 228 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,519 MAGGIE: Right, here's one. 229 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,353 Who would you rather fight and have a decent chance of winning, 230 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:54,798 a big fat hairy silver-backed gorilla or a Thomson's gazelle? 231 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,078 Well, the gazelle. 232 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,436 I know, but you'd have to catch it first because they're like... 233 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,753 Well, I wouldn't catch it. I turned up for the fight, it ran away, I win. Not my problem. 234 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:04,910 - Oi, oi. - Oh. 235 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,832 Don't look at me like that. Little bit of good news here. 236 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,399 - All right, Shaun? - All right? 237 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,155 Barry and I were scouring the internet and we found a glowing review of your sitcom. 238 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:13,639 - Really? - Listen to this. 239 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,234 "This charming story of lovable, larger-than-life characters 240 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,109 "will please all the family. This is a delightful woodland romp 241 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,750 "with many of the best scenes featuring a roly-poly toad." 242 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,274 Give me that. 243 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,276 This is a review of Wind In The Willows. 244 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,431 What's yours called, then? Oh, When The Wind Blows is his. 245 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,113 - Whistle! - Whistle. Yeah. 246 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,158 - I said that was a picture of a frog, didn't I? - It's got the same throat. 247 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:36,719 Yeah, I know, yeah. 248 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,394 Well, you can see where we went wrong, yeah. 249 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,471 I'm going to get a drink. 250 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,677 - Have a look. - He's a ringer. 251 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:48,159 - Oh, yeah. Except he's green. - Who? Andy or... 252 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,117 - The wee frog. - Oh, the frog. 253 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,318 - God, it's you. - Hi. 254 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:00,309 Love it. 255 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,239 - What are you doing here? - Just having a drink. 256 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,231 Oh, so are we. Amazing. 257 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,758 - Do you live near here? - Yeah. 258 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,797 - Where? - Just round... 259 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,632 - What street? - It doesn't matter, does it? 260 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,916 - Just locally. Just... - I love your show. 261 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,437 - Oh, good. Cheers. - The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase. 262 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:19,874 - Brilliant. - Thanks. 263 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,519 - Everything about it. - Oh. 264 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,991 The wig. The glasses. The catchphrase. Brilliant. 265 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,959 That's becoming quite a catchphrase itself. 266 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,559 Oh, the wig. 267 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,916 - The glasses. - The glasses and the catchphrase. 268 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,638 - Brilliant? - Yeah. 269 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,480 - Can I take a picture? - Yeah. 270 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,994 (EXCLAIMING) 271 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,039 You got a wig with you? 272 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,394 - No. - No. 273 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:45,269 Do the face, then. Do the face. Do the face. 274 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,396 (LAUGHING) Look at that! 275 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:53,350 It works even without the wig or the glasses. Can you do the catchphrase? 276 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:55,113 - I'd rather not. - Do the catchphrase. 277 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,555 - No. It's just a bit... - Do the catchphrase. 278 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,755 Just do the catchphrase! 279 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:02,310 - Okay, okay. "Are you having a laugh?" - Do it properly. 280 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,955 "Are you having a laugh? Is he having laugh?" 281 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,951 - I love everything about it. - Cheers. 282 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,680 The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase. 283 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,391 - Can I call my mate Pete? - Why not? 284 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,232 Oh, he'll love this. 285 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:19,272 - You can't call the barman as well, can you? - I haven't got his number. 286 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:26,117 Pete, what's your favourite catchphrase? He's only here. 287 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,916 Yeah. Speak to him. 288 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,037 - Speak to him. No, speak to him. - I can't. 289 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,238 - Just speak to him. - All right, Pete? How have you been, mate? 290 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,233 Yeah. Yeah? He likes that as well. 291 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,152 No, I haven't got the wig on me, no. No. 292 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:43,995 Oh, Pete, I've got to go, mate, because life's too short. 293 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,559 Okay? Yeah, see you. 294 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,039 (suasuus) 295 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,672 Huh? Yeah. That was actually him, yeah. Come down. 296 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,274 - Ah, that's me. - Bring Ralph and Walnut. 297 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,920 And tell Count Fuckula. Oh, yeah, he loves him. 298 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,436 Hold on, I've got to go. Quick, quick, quick, Jilly. 299 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,395 - By winning... - Forget it, drink up. We're going. 300 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,073 - Why? - Because I've just been spotted 301 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,151 by something from The Hills Have Eyes. 302 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,389 Hello! 303 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,635 Hello, mate, all right? How's it going? Darren Lamb, agent. Nice to meet you. 304 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:12,869 This is my girlfriend, Jilly. 305 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,394 DARREN: Hello. SHAUN: Hello, Jilly. 306 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,438 - Oh, I recognise you. - Yes, possibly. 307 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,029 - You did my mum's guttering, didn't you? - Maybe, yeah. Where does she live? 308 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,349 Arundall Court, opposite the BP garage. 309 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:24,794 What's this? You didn't tell me anything about this. 310 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,518 What's going on here? How much did you get paid for that? 311 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,954 - Not much. -It was 200 quid. 312 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:30,111 Mum said he did such a good job she gave him a £20 tip. 313 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,838 -220 quid? - I don't have to tell you everything. 314 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:32,955 You don't have to tell me everything. No. 315 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,077 Although you're happy to tell me when you're sleeping in your car 316 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,231 and you need to have a bath, then you can't keep your mouth shut, 317 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,390 but this you're keeping shtum about? 318 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,154 You're supposed to be my agent for acting, not bloody Artexing or whatever. 319 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,913 Rumbled! He said guttering. Now it's Artexing! 320 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,354 What else are you keeping from me? 321 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,716 I'm appalled, I can't... This is scandalous, Barry. 322 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,758 - Such a slap in the face. - Do you do roofing? 323 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,674 - Do you need some roofing done? - No, it's too dangerous. I'm not... 324 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,273 Oh, I'm sorry. You're turning down work now, are you? 325 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,317 I'm sorry. It seems that beggars can be choosers. 326 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,789 My mistake. Unbelievable. 327 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,836 How much was it? 220? 328 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,318 Right, you owe me 27.50. 329 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,357 - Can I give you a cheque? - Yeah, if you must, yeah. 330 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,589 Unbelievable. 331 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,638 Here, I tell you this, if you like his show, you'll love this. 332 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,679 Right, have a look at that. Just regular. Turn it up the other way. 333 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,717 -"Boobs." -it's good, innit? 334 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,518 - How do you do that? - It's just numbers. 335 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,999 - What numbers? - 58,008. Have a look. 336 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,677 (GIGGLING) Boobs! Jilly, look. 58,008. Boobs! 337 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,320 - Let me have a wee look. - Yeah, have a look. 338 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,515 58,008... 339 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,920 BOTH: Boobs. 340 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,440 - You wanna get used to this, mate. - It's doing my head in. 341 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:37,115 I know, they see you on telly and they all want to be your best mate. 342 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,953 When I was on EastEnders we used to go to a place called Castro's. 343 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,917 It's quiet and they treat you well if they recognise you. 344 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,389 - Let's go there. - Yeah, all right. 345 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:49,151 - Here. - Cheers, mate. Oi, oi, oi! Boing! 346 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,072 If it does, whose fault's that? 347 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:52,639 Let's not talk about business, mate, 348 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,031 in front of a couple of nobodies like this. No disrespect. Unbelievable. 349 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,272 I'm already annoyed with you, giving it backchat. 350 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,476 Anyway, give me your number. We'll meet up again. 351 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,632 - Yeah. - Yeah. Don't touch me. 352 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,075 - Excuse me. - Yeah, hi. 353 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,800 I used to come here a lot a few years ago. I don't know if you remember me, 354 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,837 - when I was in EastEnders? - Yes, hi, how you doing? 355 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,389 - Greg's in here. - We don't have to speak to him. 356 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,278 Like he's not gonna come over and gloat. 357 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,749 - Big, fat, smug face. - We're here now. Shh. 358 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,832 -It's fine. You've just got to sign in. - Okay. 359 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,479 - Oh, hello. Look who it is. - Hi. 360 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,757 - Hi, welcome. Enjoyed the show last night. - Really? 361 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,798 Yeah. Mark, can you get Mr Millman to the VIP area, please? 362 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,712 - Oh, thanks very much. - No need to sign in. That's fine. 363 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,269 - Cheers. Thanks. - Okay, enjoy. Good. 364 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,518 - Thank you. - Okay. 365 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,557 Ah, Andy Millman. 366 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,678 I can't stop, mate. I'm going to the VIP area. 367 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,993 - That's mine. Take a seat. - Oh, that chair! 368 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,719 - Oh, more like it. Thanks very much. - Can I get you anything to drink? 369 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,713 - Um, some champagne? - Yeah! 370 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,270 - Can we get a bottle of champagne, please? - No problem. 371 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,509 Finally, a little bit of respect. 372 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,429 Oh, God. Look, David Bowie. 373 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,560 Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Don't look. 374 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,799 - Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. - You just put us here. 375 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,839 - David Bowie's here. - I know, but it's just really embarrassing. 376 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,315 (ANDY SIGHING) 377 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,993 - Quick sit down. - At least I had a sit down. 378 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,640 Quick little sit down, energy, back into it. 379 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,233 - How's it going? - Brilliant. You? 380 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,435 Excellent. 381 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:52,117 Doing Chekhov at the Wyndham, just been nominated for an Olivier Award, so... 382 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,599 Ooh! 383 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,109 - How's your sitcom going? - Brilliant. Ratings are brilliant. 384 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,714 - The reviews very harsh. Very harsh. - Don't read reviews. Don't bother. 385 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:00,790 - No? - No. 386 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,077 I think I've got one here, actually. Sorry. Can you just hold that? 387 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,514 Don't hold... 388 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,392 - Being meaning to throw it away. - Throw it away, then. 389 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,030 Didn't get round to it. Oh, no. "When The Whistle Blows. 390 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:16,033 "As I watched this abysmal time-warp comedy 391 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,680 "I found myself expecting someone to shout, 'I'm free!' 392 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,671 "and for Andy Millman to exclaim, 393 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:26,233 '"Hmm, Betty, the cat's just shat out the worst sitcom of all time."' 394 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,794 Don't really care about his opinion. 395 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,072 If I want an opinion, it won't be a snotty little reviewer, 396 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,833 it'll be the people that count, the man on the street. 397 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,197 - Yeah, he gave him 20 quid earlier. - Not that specific man on the street. 398 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,998 If you want to chase ratings, that's great. 399 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,710 I'd rather win the respect of my peers than get big ratings and everything... 400 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,314 Both. Get both. Anyway, always nice to see you, mate. 401 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,550 - You having a laugh! - All right, mate. 402 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,439 - Sitcom's shit, mate. - He's changed his tune. Why... 403 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,797 - The man in the street, so fickle. - No. He didn't have a bald head. 404 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,473 No, not that specific man. 405 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,279 - Does that happen a lot? - No, never. It's all good usually. So I... 406 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,476 I tell you who's not having a laugh, the public. 407 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:03,880 - Well, they are. - That's just rude. 408 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,076 It's not rude. It's stupid. It's ignorant. 409 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,639 To say that! 410 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,917 - He's a little ant to me. - I feel it's just social rudeness. 411 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,195 Well... 412 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,519 Barry, don't look round, right, 413 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,432 there's a couple of birds over there without drinks. 414 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,514 - I think you know what to do. - Oh, yes. Excuse me. 415 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,637 There's a couple of girls over there not drinking. 416 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,394 So I think you should probably tell them to either buy something or get out. 417 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,074 No, sorry. That's a mistake. No, I didn't mean that. Sorry. 418 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,549 What I meant was we could buy them some drinks. That's an in, isn't it? 419 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,039 - To start a conversation. - I thought you were worried 420 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,633 they're taking up valuable space and costing him money. 421 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:43,790 Why would that concern me? 422 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,190 The man's running a business. The overheads are probably extortionate. 423 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,669 - He probably makes a lot of money on food. - Don't give me that. 424 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,353 There's 20 pubs a day closing down in this country 425 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,317 and it's due to people like that. All right? 426 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,960 What, and you're suddenly an expert, are you, on that? 427 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,758 I don't know why it's your concern is what I'm... 428 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,114 Leave it. 429 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,549 Ladies, pardon us, can I just introduce myself? 430 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,359 Darren Lamb, agent to the TV actor Andy Millman, 431 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,113 - star of the sitcom When The Wind Blows. - Whistle. 432 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,157 Whistle, thank you. And do you remember this guy? 433 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,550 -It's only Barry off EastEnders? - Hello. 434 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,109 - Oh, yeah. How's it going? - Not so good, actually. 435 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,349 Things aren't quite panning out as I'd hoped. 436 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,795 Let's not talk about that now. Let's not bring the mood down now. 437 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,679 - A couple of sorts like this are up for it. - What do you mean, up for it? 438 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,273 You're out and about, you know, no guys with you, 439 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,397 you meet a couple of players like us, ships in the night, 440 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,198 let's get down to business, who wants Barry off EastEnders? 441 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:29,873 - Neither of us. - You're out in the cold. 442 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,837 That's the story of me life. My house was repossessed last... 443 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,719 Let's not bring the mood down. You're ruining it again. I'm still in the frame. 444 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,269 Who wants Barry to walk them home while the other one comes home with me? 445 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,874 - Neither of us. - Okay, final scenario. Listen to this, right. 446 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,520 Neither of you are interested in Barry, so obviously I choose the fit one. 447 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,113 No disrespect to you. We all go back to mine. 448 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,032 Barry keeps you talking whilst you and I get down to it. 449 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:49,272 It will take, I swear to God, 10 minutes max. I can get everything done in that time. 450 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:50,509 Then you get a cab fare home, 451 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,718 anywhere you want to go, up to say a maximum value of £15. 452 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,997 Or you could walk home, pocket the cash, you've made a sweet, sweet profit. 453 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:58,195 - So it's up to you. - No. 454 00:21:58,280 --> 00:21:59,554 No? All right, Bar, forget it, mate. 455 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,551 Always know when to cut your losses. Let's go. 456 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,557 I mean, he was actually a qualified surgeon if I'm not wrong. 457 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:08,710 Really? 458 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,110 And he used to sing in the operating theatre. 459 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,237 - No! - That's where he got his first start 460 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,709 because one of the patients he was operating on 461 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,758 was an A&R man from Decca Records. You won't know Decca. 462 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,549 Sorry. Can we? 463 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,995 I'm getting a bit of hassle out here. Can I just pop myself down there? 464 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,594 Not really. This is the VIP section. Can you step away from the rope, sir? 465 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,557 I know. I was in there a minute ago. I was a VIP a minute ago. 466 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,278 - What happened? - There's nothing I can do, sir. Sorry. 467 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,079 Can you just step away from the rope? 468 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,029 Come on. I've got more in common with David Bowie than this rabble. 469 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:40,997 - How do you work that out? - We're both entertainers. 470 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:42,718 We've both done something with our lives. I'm just... 471 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,837 I don't think you can equate yourself to David Bowie. 472 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:49,710 He's one of the seminal artists of the last 35 years, doing work tantamount to genius, 473 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,475 whereas you've just made a camp, catchphrase-based comedy. 474 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,678 Just got a bad review off a bouncer. 475 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,592 - No. I just know what I like. - Yeah? Do you like money? 476 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,956 - Sorry? - Do you like money? 20 quid. 477 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,554 Sorry. You're trying to bribe me to sit next to David Bowie now? 478 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,517 I'm giving you 20 quid to sit there in those spare seats. 479 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:05,635 No. 480 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,034 50? 481 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,793 -50 quid? - Yeah. 482 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,719 Let's see it. 483 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,478 - You got a 10? I've only got 20s. - No. 484 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,198 Well, it's either 40 or 60, then. 485 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,237 - 60, then. - 60, then. 486 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,912 That's for both of us. 487 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,911 Go and get a drink. I haven't got any money now. 488 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,276 - Hey, what are you doing in there? - It's the VIP area, innit? 489 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:38,953 Can we come in 'cause we're getting no action out here? 490 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,874 - It's a wasteland. - You're on your own. I'm not made of money. 491 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,679 It's the same seat! It's actually the same seat for 60 quid! 492 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,114 You paid 60 quid to go in here? 493 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,111 - You should've let me negotiate. - Your show's shit, mate. 494 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,714 They can still see me! There should be an actual barrier or something. 495 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,189 Let's go and sit next to David Bowie. He's not getting any hassle. 496 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,590 - We can't just sit next to him. - We'll just go and speak to him. 497 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,273 - I don't know him, do I? - Excuse me. 498 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,873 - What are you doing? - It's all right. 499 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,280 Excuse me. 500 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,394 Mr Bowie, can I just say that we're both very big fans? 501 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,596 I can't hear you, love. Come over here. 502 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,591 (WHISPERING) Come on, go, go! 503 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,479 Budge up a bit, Linda. Thank you. 504 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:16,834 - Hi. - Hi, hi. 505 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,036 We were just saying that I'm an entertainer, too. 506 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:20,872 Oh, yeah? What do you do? 507 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,076 - I'm in a sitcom. - It's called When The Whistle Blows. 508 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,879 - Have you seen it? - I haven't, no. Is it any good? 509 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:30,193 - MAN: No. It's shit. - Oh, just riff-raff everywhere. 510 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:34,716 - Not going down too well, huh? - It's getting six million viewers... 511 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,758 I mean, it's not exactly how I meant it to be 512 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,673 because the BBC have interfered and sort of chased ratings 513 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,797 and made it a lowest common denominator sort of comedy. 514 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,838 Sort of catchphrases and wigs and... 515 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:48,514 - I think I've sold out, to be honest, but... - Yeah. 516 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,238 It's difficult, innit? When they... 517 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,311 To keep your integrity when you're going for that first... 518 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,153 # The little fat man who sold his soul 519 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:56,355 The little? 520 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,239 # Little fat man who sold his dream 521 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,516 # Chubby little loser 522 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,438 (PLAYING PIANO) 523 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,796 # Chubby little loser 524 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:13,440 # National joke # 525 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,158 No, not chubby little loser. 526 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,560 - No. - No. 527 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,234 # Pathetic little fat man 528 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,470 # No one's bloody laughing 529 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,074 # The clown that no one laughs at 530 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,913 # They all just wish he'd die 531 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,918 # He's so depressed at being useless 532 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,276 # The fat man takes his own life 533 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:35,475 BOWIE: No, no. 534 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,552 # He's so depressed at being hated 535 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,950 # Fatty takes his own life 536 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,951 - Fatty? Fatso? - Fatso, I like fatso. 537 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:44,633 Yeah, let's go with fatso. 538 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,916 # Fatso takes his own life 539 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,753 # He blows his bloated face off 540 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:50,875 No. 541 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,073 # He blows his stupid brains out 542 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,278 - But the twat'd probably miss! - Yes, Linda. I like that. 543 00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:59,112 Yes, so do I. It's brilliant, Linda. 544 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:03,637 # He sold his soul for a shot at fame 545 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:07,509 # Catchphrase and wig and the jokes are lame 546 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,480 # He's got no style He's got no grace 547 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:15,554 # He's banal and facile He's a fat waste of space # 548 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,634 Yeah, yeah. Everybody sing that last line. One, two, three... 549 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:24,317 ALL: # He's banal and facile He's a fat waste of space 550 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,677 # See his pug-nosed face 551 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,194 # Pug, pug, pug, pug 552 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,270 Again! 553 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:35,239 ALL: # See his pug-nosed face 554 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:36,355 # Yeah 555 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,034 # Pug, pug, pug, pug 556 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,110 Again! 557 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,919 # See his pug-nosed face 558 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,032 # Pug, pug, pug, pug 559 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,309 # The little fat man with the pug-nosed face # See his pug-nosed face 560 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,392 # Pug, pug, pug, pug 561 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,155 # Little fat man, pug-nosed face # See his pug-nosed face 562 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,870 # Hey, pug, pug, pug, pug 563 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:05,874 # He's a little fat man, pug-nosed face # See his pug-nosed face 564 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:09,430 # Pug, pug, pug, pug # 565 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,717 - What did you have for tea? - Turkey. 566 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,031 - Turkey! What else? - Turkey, just turkey. 567 00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:21,909 - Just turkey! You can't have just turkey. - Turkey sandwiches. 568 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,194 Pint of Fosters. 569 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,796 MAGGIE: Hi. A pint of Fosters and a dry white wine, please. 570 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,518 (PEOPLE LAUGHING) 571 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,033 You've put some weight on. 572 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:35,875 - BARMAN: That's 5.80, thanks. - 5.80? Are you having a laugh? 573 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,717 - It's him! It's him! It's Andy Millman. - All right? 574 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,873 - You all right? - All right, mate? How's it going? 575 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,598 - This is Ralph. - Hello, mate. You all right? 576 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,159 - Walnut. - Hiya. 577 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:47,516 - And this is Count Fuckula. - All right. 578 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:49,398 - Why do they call you that? - Because if I see something, 579 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:53,553 I've got to fuck it. I never stop. Oh, yeah. 580 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,872 - He never stops! - He never stops! 581 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,078 - Can I just get your autograph? - Oh, yeah, sure. 582 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,954 Get a picture, get a picture, get a picture. 583 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:08,240 - Here, here, "I don't get it." - It's Gobbler! It's Gobbler. 584 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:09,755 Thanks. 585 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:14,556 (TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING)