1
00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:05,596
Hi. I'm Andy Millman.

2
00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:10,038
What would you rather do,
have your child die of thirst or dysentery?

3
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,315
That's not a choice
that you or I have to make, is it?

4
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,472
But one in five people don't have
access to clean drinking water.

5
00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:20,030
Every day, millions of people have
to drink the only water available to them

6
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,157
and they run the risk of dying.

7
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:27,394
You can help put an end to that terrible risk
by pledging just £5. Please help.

8
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:29,715
Cut.

9
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:30,915
- Was that all right?
- That was fantastic.

10
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,559
- Brilliant, my pleasure.
- Thank you so much.

11
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,233
That was so wonderful. Chris!

12
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,914
- Hi, hello. How are you?
- What's this for today?

13
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,513
-It's for people in the Third World...
- Yeah.

14
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:39,829
...who don't have clean drinking...

15
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,753
This screen.
Are you gonna project anything on there?

16
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,717
Oh, we don't know yet. I'm not quite sure.

17
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,633
Okay. Because we have an album
coming out, Greatest Hits.

18
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,030
Maybe just put a picture
of the album cover on it.

19
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,519
- Oh, ah...
- Just simple.

20
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,592
I think, probably, if we're gonna
project anything, we'll show sort of pictures

21
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,956
of people dying
because of a lack of clean water.

22
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,111
Could they be holding the album?

23
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:03,114
Not really, no. I think that might be
a bit inappropriate, perhaps?

24
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,474
Oh.

25
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,790
I presume at some point
you're gonna have some footage

26
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,793
of these people walking around
looking sad, miserable.

27
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:12,520
What about some music? Check this out.

28
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,478
(HUMMING)

29
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,799
- Is that one of yours?
- Yeah, yeah. Trouble.

30
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,839
Just say at the bottom,
"This is available, Coldplay, Greatest Hits."

31
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,594
- I'm not quite sure what's gonna happen yet.
- Easy. Easy.

32
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,559
- So easy! All right, okay.
- I think probably...

33
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:33,349
- Now, where do you want me to stand?
- Just there, that's great.

34
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,276
- Hey, I know you.
- You all right?

35
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,795
Are we having a laugh?

36
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,872
- Are you having a laugh? Yeah.
- Yeah. I could come on your show.

37
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,315
- What's your audience, five or six million?
- That'd be fab!

38
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,313
I don't know. I think it's weird,
celebrities just popping up in a sitcom,

39
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,674
you know what I mean?

40
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,070
-It'd be good. I could play myself.
- Right.

41
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,356
What would Chris Martin be doing
visiting a factory in Wigan?

42
00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,033
- I don't know. You work it out.
- We will.

43
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,155
- We won't.
- We will.

44
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,594
- When do you shoot?
- Thursdays.

45
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,512
- I can't do Thursdays.
- Oh, never mind. Okay.

46
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,874
- I can do Wednesdays.
- We can move it.

47
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,553
- We can't move it, can we?
- No. We can.

48
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,392
- Well, move it.
- I'll have... Yeah.

49
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,676
Can we get on with this?
I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's

50
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,071
and landmines this afternoon,
and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal,

51
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,549
plus Gwyneth's making drumsticks.

52
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,635
Do some bloody work.
What's up with you lot?

53
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,518
- We're depressed, Mr Stokes.
- Why?

54
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,432
Radio's broken, Mr Stokes.

55
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:33,435
Statistics prove that workers are much more
productive with musical accompaniment.

56
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,358
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

57
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,192
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

58
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,796
Oh, we can't work without music.

59
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,635
Can't work without music!
Who are you, seven bloody dwarves?

60
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,718
You'll just have to buy us another one.

61
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:49,835
(EXCLAIMING)

62
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:53,072
I'm not made of money,
and we've spent the budget for the year,

63
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:54,958
so I don't know what we're gonna do.

64
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,394
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

65
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,871
- Maybe I can help?
- I don't believe it.

66
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,476
-It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay.
- Hey.

67
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,630
Chris, what are you doing here,
in a factory in Wigan? It's mental.

68
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,519
Well, Ray, I'm just in the area
to promote our new album,

69
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,795
Coldplay, The Greatest Hits.

70
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,029
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

71
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,634
And I thought I'd pop on over and say hello.

72
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,677
Right. When's that due out?

73
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:22,071
It's coming out on the 17th of this month
and it's gonna be really great.

74
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,040
Oh, fantastic. Well, this is gonna sound
absolutely ridiculous,

75
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:30,318
- but do you mind performing a song for us?
- Are you having a laugh?

76
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,311
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

77
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:47,359
# When you try your best
but you don't succeed

78
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:54,079
# When you get what you want
but not what you need

79
00:03:55,560 --> 00:04:01,397
# When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

80
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:07,556
# Stuck in reverse

81
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:17,912
# The lights will guide you home

82
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:24,514
# And ignite your bones

83
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:31,358
# And I will try to fix you #

84
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,517
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

85
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,194
"This week When The Whistle Blows
sunk even lower in its desperate attempts

86
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,556
"to appeal to as many
of the great unwashed as possible

87
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:53,111
"by roping in the services of rock star
Chris Martin, whose inexplicable appearance

88
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,191
"was the latest attempt by Andy Millman

89
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,749
"to shamelessly prop up
his lame duck of a sitcom."

90
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:01,117
I told you. I told everyone.
Why did I let people convince me?

91
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,830
- Calm down. Muffin?
- No.

92
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,511
- Have a lovely bit of muffin.
- I don't want any.

93
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,479
- Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
- No.

94
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,951
- Thank you. Bar?
- Yo.

95
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,678
- I'm having the muffin.
- I'll come through.

96
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,320
- Why is this an event?
- He's excited.

97
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,516
All right. All right, Andy?

98
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,037
- All right, Shaun.
- Lovely bit of muffin.

99
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,317
- Hello, you.
- Oh, lovely.

100
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,198
- Why's he eating it like that?
- Yeah. Why are you eating like that?

101
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,079
Me hands. I've been cleaning out the toilets.
I've got no gloves.

102
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,039
You... You shook my hand
when you came in.

103
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,471
Well, it's politeness, innit?

104
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,279
Just being polite. We are celebrating
with that lovely bit of muffin.

105
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,078
What would be the best news
you could get today?

106
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,753
You're going full time
at the Carphone Warehouse.

107
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,717
I don't work
at the Carphone Warehouse any more.

108
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,552
Well, I do Saturday mornings
while Nirinda's pregnant.

109
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,119
- All right.
- No, what news could you get

110
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,874
that'd mean you've finally got the
critical respect you've been looking for?

111
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,236
I don't know. BBC One comedy with
catchphrases and stupid wigs

112
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:59,678
filmed in front of a live studio audience
of morons is suddenly considered cool?

113
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,114
That's never gonna happen, is it?

114
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,635
No. You've been nominated for a BAFTA.
Best Comedy Performance.

115
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,199
- Really?
- Yeah.

116
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,754
Not going to win, though.
Something classier than this'll win.

117
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,194
No, no. Because I was thinking the same,

118
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,032
and then I was looking down
the list of nominees

119
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,317
and it's all crap this year,
so you've got as good a chance as anyone.

120
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,959
Cheers.

121
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,600
More good news as well.
I had a call from a toy manufacturer

122
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,637
and they're quite keen to put out
a Ray doll for Christmas.

123
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,950
You press a button and it goes,
"Are you having a laugh?"

124
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,953
- Who's gonna buy that?
- Same people who watch your show.

125
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,031
Thick kids and their thick parents
and, you know, thick...

126
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,714
Thick people, I get it. The thick demographic,
that's what I'm going for.

127
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,792
Don't slag them off 'cause those people
spend a fortune on this sort of tat.

128
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:41,555
And ringtones as well.
Oh, that Crazy Frog made millions.

129
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,677
Yeah. Where is he now?

130
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,752
Probably working on a follow-up album,
I'd have thought, or trying to crack Japan.

131
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:51,910
It's not bad for a frog, though, is it?

132
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,991
It's very good for a frog, Bar,
if you don't mind me saying.

133
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,072
I'd have thought he's probably the second
richest frog in the world after Kermit.

134
00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,755
- Kermit, yeah. There was his nephew, Robin.
- Ah, Robin was good.

135
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,513
Looked set to take over the empire
for a while, didn't he?

136
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:03,749
Yeah. He was a very good actor and singer.

137
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,195
- SHAUN: Halfway Up the Stairs.
- Good song.

138
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,231
Do you know, I've never been
to an awards ceremony before.

139
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,435
Nor have I.

140
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,158
Do you think there will be
photographers there?

141
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,310
Probably.

142
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,279
What if I fall or dribble
something down my front?

143
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,034
- What are you, a toddler?
- Oh, there's some nice frocks in here.

144
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,155
- Come on in and have a look.
- No.

145
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,198
- Help me choose something.
- I'll wait out here.

146
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,753
(CLEARS THROAT)

147
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,993
- How much is this one?
- That's £2,500.

148
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,431
-(LAUGHS) That's a bit much.
- Yes.

149
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,479
Are there any of these that are...

150
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:05,474
It's all very expensive.
I don't think you can afford anything.

151
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:11,795
- How do you know what I can afford?
- Oh, just a hunch.

152
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,998
Hunch, you're a hunch.

153
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,798
- Hmm?
- Nothing.

154
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,511
- Nothing in there?
- No, nothing. Come on, let's go.

155
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,319
- Oh, where we going now?
- Somewhere, just anywhere else.

156
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,277
- What exactly are you looking for?
- I'm looking for a place

157
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,112
where people aren't quite as rude.

158
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,476
- Who was rude?
- Her in there.

159
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,198
- What happened?
- She just looked at me

160
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,716
like I shouldn't be there,
like I was a piece of dirt.

161
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,756
- Come on. Come on.
- Oh, no, no.

162
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,593
(PRETTY WOMAN PLAYING)

163
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,353
- That one?
- Yeah.

164
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,637
Good day.
My friend here was looking for a dress.

165
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,473
I wondered if we could help her with that.
Gold Card there.

166
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,597
- Well, I'm sure we can.
- Hmm. Good.

167
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:16,356
- Yeah, I think she was looking at this one.
- Oh, wonderful. How much is that?

168
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,358
£2,500.

169
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,237
£2,500?

170
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,073
- Do you want that?
- Yeah.

171
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,389
(GRUNTS)

172
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,836
- If you don't want it, don't have it.
- No. I want it.

173
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,838
I can definitely afford it.
It's just a matter of is it the right dress?

174
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:34,990
Yes.

175
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,317
Could we bring it back
if there's something wrong with it,

176
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,879
say, after this coming Sunday?

177
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:46,079
- No. We don't do refunds.
- No, no, no. But if it didn't fit.

178
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,071
- She should try it on.
- I know, but what if she got fat?

179
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,480
- By Sunday?
- No.

180
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,838
What if the stitching there
was to be pulled apart slightly?

181
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,115
- Pulled apart?
- Just came apart?

182
00:09:55,200 --> 00:10:00,479
Just normal wear and tear.
The sweat rot under the old armpit.

183
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,235
Cuts through the old stitches.

184
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,915
Could we...
Let's make absolutely sure, okay?

185
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,719
Always good to be sure. Sorry about this.

186
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,438
- You're not thinking...
- What?

187
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:16,434
I'm gonna ask you a question now.
Consider the answer, okay?

188
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,918
Do you really want me to spend £2,500
on that dress?

189
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,035
Yes.

190
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:28,320
She does! Aw. Go on.
We've all learnt a lesson today.

191
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,710
There's a chance it won't fit.

192
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,676
It's not even tax deductible.

193
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,233
Do you do celebrity discount?

194
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,793
- Well, I don't know who she is.
- She's nobody.

195
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,473
Are you having a laugh?

196
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,870
- No, we don't do discount.
- No.

197
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,236
Not, "Are you having a laugh?"
Watch this and comprehend.

198
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,311
Are you having a laugh?

199
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,913
Does no one here know...
Is she having a laugh?

200
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,150
- Do you know?
- Oh, yeah. You're from that sitcom.

201
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,992
- Correct.
- Any good?

202
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,076
Not really. It's a bit broad.
Relies on catchphrases and funny wigs.

203
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,719
Sorry. Did I ask for a critique?

204
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,110
Shall I come down to the storeroom
and say you haven't swept up right?

205
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,554
Unbelievable.

206
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,199
- So you don't do celebrity discount?
- No.

207
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:18,592
- No, not 1%? Couldn't give me 1%?
- Oh, okay. I'll do you a 1% discount.

208
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,759
- What's that?
- On £2,500? £25.

209
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,196
Not worth it.
I'd rather you stuck it on if anything.

210
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,840
Well, shall we just leave it as it is?

211
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,473
- That's your Christmas and birthday.
- Yeah, okay.

212
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,710
Never would have spent that much.

213
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,400
Those are £600.

214
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,550
(LAUGHING)

215
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,199
- They're very expensive.
- That's not why I was laughing.

216
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,998
I was laughing
they weren't expensive enough in a way.

217
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,594
That's what tickled me
when I first saw the 600.

218
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,353
What do you think?

219
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,589
- Do you think it's all right?
- Yeah.

220
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,640
- Can I get it?
- Yep.

221
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,119
WOMAN: Andy!
WOMAN 2: Andy!

222
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,430
- Andy.
- Andy, will you win tonight?

223
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,272
Oh, it's just, you know,
flattering to be nominated.

224
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,317
- Is that your girlfriend?
- No, no, no.

225
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,232
- Yeah, all right.
- Always tell journalists the truth

226
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,993
and let them change the facts later.

227
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,879
- And who are you wearing?
- Maggie.

228
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,519
- No.
- Who are you wearing?

229
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,240
- Maggie Jacobs.
- No. Whose dress is that?

230
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,038
-It's mine.
- Ah, okay. Thank you.

231
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,838
She won a competition.
Don't speak to anyone else tonight.

232
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,513
- What did I...
- Not even to me.

233
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,797
Dale! Dale! Darling, Dale!

234
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,599
Toby Anstis.

235
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,554
- Have you ever eaten a worm?
- I don't even know what a "worrrm" is.

236
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,837
There's an "r" in it.
You should "prrronounce" it "worrrm".

237
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,389
Old girlfriend. Oh, God. Shall we...

238
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,629
- Andy!
- Hi!

239
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:13,869
- Hi!
- You all right?

240
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,793
Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Yeah.
God, you've done well.

241
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,076
Yeah. All downhill from here.

242
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,712
Well, are you... What's... Um...

243
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,591
What... Are you BAFTA tonight?
Are you... First time?

244
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:35,151
- Well, yeah, as part of the Holbyteam.
- Good luck with the...

245
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,595
- Um...
- Yeah, thanks, thanks.

246
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,554
- And good luck to you as well.
- Absolutely.

247
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:45,840
- Yeah, it's a pity. No, we should ask...
- Yeah. I'll see you later.

248
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,992
- Okay. Good luck with the...
- Thanks.

249
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,400
- Good to...
- Good luck.

250
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,312
See you later. Cheers.

251
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,152
- Who was that?
- The most boring woman in the world.

252
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,355
- Really?
- Yeah.

253
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,158
- How do you know her?
- I went out with her for a while

254
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,753
when I was an extra on Holby City.

255
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,354
- Oh, and then she dumped you?
- No. I dumped her.

256
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,192
- You dumped her?
- Yes.

257
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:06,679
- Really?
- Yes, it does happen.

258
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,637
- When was this?
- Couple of years ago.

259
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,030
Was that before or after
you lost your virginity

260
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,192
-to the one who looked like Ronnie Corbett?
- After, obviously, it was two years ago.

261
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,874
What, so you lost your virginity
a long time ago then, did you?

262
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,394
Yes. I'm in my forties.

263
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,959
- I know, but when?
- A long time ago.

264
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:21,678
Exactly. What age were you?

265
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,912
- Oh, I don't know.
- What? 16? 17?

266
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,479
- Were you older than that?
- Oh, what is all these questions?

267
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,710
I lost my virginity. Full stop.

268
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,792
- Why were you attracted to Ronnie Corbett?
- I wasn't attracted to Ronnie Corbett.

269
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,996
She just happened to look like
Ronnie Corbett.

270
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,038
It was the bank's Christmas do.
I was drunk, all right?

271
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,236
- Oh, the bank's Christmas do?
- Yeah.

272
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,550
But you didn't start working there
till you were 28.

273
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,871
Oh, who are you? Columbo? Leave it.

274
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:56,434
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage, Davina McCall.

275
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:10,794
Good evening and welcome to
the British Academy Television Awards,

276
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,760
and in front of me are a whole host
of understandably anxious stars,

277
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:19,232
all wondering whether they're going to walk
away with that most coveted of awards,

278
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,357
the BAFTA mask.

279
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,354
Now to our first category this evening,
it is the Lew Grade...

280
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,639
WOMAN: I also want to thank
our inspiring and bossy boss...

281
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,554
ROB BRYDON: And the BAFTA goes to...
Oh, my favourite, Jamie's Prison Dinners.

282
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,598
MAN: Thanks to a terrific production team.
You weren't a production team,

283
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,273
you were family and thanks for everything...

284
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:45,911
SIR DAVID FROST: Unlike newspapers,
our TV newsrooms have to remain impartial,

285
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,991
at least theoretically...

286
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,109
MAN: The winner is,
The Woman Who Gave Birth To Herself.

287
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:59,798
DAVID DIMBLEBY: But right in my eye line,
on all fours like a dog...

288
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:04,033
MAN: The BAFTA goes to
South Bank Show: Dick and Dom Special.

289
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,031
- Well, hello.
- All right?

290
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,315
Everything all right here?

291
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,597
We could do with
some more wine, please, waiter.

292
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,439
- Comedy gold. Absolute comedy gold.
- Thank you.

293
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:30,195
I love it.
No, actually here in an official capacity.

294
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,750
- Oh, yeah?
- Part of the Best Drama nomination

295
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,912
for Paul Abbott's Cock of the North.

296
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,230
- I imagine you saw it.
- I didn't.

297
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,358
I had quite a large part. It was...
It was good, you know.

298
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,990
Best Drama.
The Holy Grail, as it were, of BAFTAs.

299
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,277
But you're, of course,
you're here with your sitcom, aren't you?

300
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,670
- Yep.
- Yeah, well. Good luck.

301
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,320
- Yeah, and you, mate.
- Well, you deserve, you know...

302
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:56,993
- I understand it's very popular.
- Yeah.

303
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,959
- Yeah. Good luck, mate.
- Yes, well, I'll...

304
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,439
- Better get back.
- See you later.

305
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,478
- Drama crowd, as it were.
- Yeah.

306
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,679
- But... Yeah. Catch you later.
- Cheers, mate. Yeah.

307
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:11,037
MAN: We are on air live
in 45 seconds and counting.

308
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:17,996
Many of you at home and in this room
probably don't recognise Len Shearman,

309
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,515
but you'd certainly recognise his work.

310
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:24,275
Len was one of the most influential
and passionate drama producers

311
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,033
in the history of television.

312
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:29,829
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- And in an industry famous for back-biting

313
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:33,470
and bitchiness, he was
a gentleman of unquestionable integrity.

314
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,359
Sorry. Hello, all right?

315
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,873
Oh, for...

316
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:43,429
- Sorry I'm a bit late, I...
- Shut up.

317
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,033
Richard Briers.

318
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:50,797
I... I was a bit late because I was just
waiting for this, which is the prototype of...

319
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:54,157
- It's the prototype of the Ray doll.
- I don't care.

320
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,080
- There he is.
- Oh, who's gonna buy that?

321
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,152
- Like I said before, stupid people.
- Yeah. Who are these stupid people?

322
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,674
That is brilliant. Can you buy them?

323
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,512
It's good, isn't it?
You will be able to buy them.

324
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,352
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

325
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:10,999
Turn it off! What are you doing?

326
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,356
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

327
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:17,713
I was with Len only a few days
before the end...

328
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,871
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

329
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,189
...and he didn't have long.

330
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,600
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

331
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,398
Just turn it off.
Take the batteries out or something.

332
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:25,834
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

333
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:27,638
Have you got one of those
very tiny screwdrivers?

334
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:28,790
- Are you having a laugh?
- His wife...

335
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,713
- Is he having a laugh?
- He leaves his loving wife...

336
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,916
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

337
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,274
Take the batteries out.

338
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,590
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

339
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,918
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

340
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,318
Is he having a laugh?

341
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:47,758
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

342
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:56,874
Tacky shit!

343
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:20,760
- Oh, dear. I think it's broken.
- Yeah. I think you're right.

344
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,352
Pull my trousers up.

345
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:41,916
- Oh, hello. Andy's friend, Maggie.
- Yes, hi. Yeah.

346
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,029
He didn't introduce us,
so, hello, pleased to meet you.

347
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,633
Hi.

348
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,433
- God, you two used to go out?
- Oh, for about 10 minutes.

349
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,591
Why did he let you go?
Look at you, all lovely.

350
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,399
- Oh, thanks.
- Bit of a catch for him.

351
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,835
A man that didn't lose his virginity
till he was 28

352
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,709
and that was to a woman
who looked like Ronnie Corbett, so...

353
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,673
God, what did you say to him when he said
he couldn't go out with you any more

354
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,229
because he thought you were boring?

355
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,350
He... He said it was because I was boring?

356
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,235
Hmm?

357
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,396
He told me it was because he'd just come
out of a long-term relationship

358
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,915
and he wasn't ready for something else.

359
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,594
(STAMMERING) Not boring, not boring.
He didn't say that you were boring.

360
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,435
He said... I think he said that
the BAFTA thing, the kind of, the ceremony,

361
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:36,435
doing all the clapping was probably
gonna be boring because, um...

362
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,672
Coming up, we have
the prestigious BAFTA Fellowship,

363
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,151
but first, the award for Comedy Performance.

364
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,437
So please, will you all welcome Harry Hill?

365
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:09,912
Commiserations again, Andy.

366
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,594
I knew I wouldn't win. I'm not in it
for the awards anyway. Well done.

367
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,798
Still, it's nice to have some
recognition from one's peers, isn't it?

368
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:17,553
Listen, it's not really my business,

369
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,632
but have you considered doing something
without a laughter track?

370
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,472
I think they're considered rather
old-fashioned these days.

371
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,995
You know, if you want to pick up
one of these old gongs.

372
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,390
Not bothered.
As I say, not in it for the awards.

373
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,437
Also, I don't know, wigs and silly glasses,

374
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,397
bit undignified for men of our age,
don't you think?

375
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,391
I don't think we're the same age, but cheers.

376
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:37,189
- Looks a bit desperate is all I'm saying.
- I don't feel desperate.

377
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,511
As I say, it's a knock-about comedy.
I'm not into high-art, so...

378
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,796
Ah, yes, but as Oscar Wilde
so wonderfully put it,

379
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:47,192
"We are all in the gutter,
but some of us are looking at the stars."

380
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,715
He was probably looking up men's trousers,
the old poof.

381
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:50,949
Sorry?

382
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,036
- He was looking up at the stars, yeah.
- Yes. That's right.

383
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,191
I'm off to look at some stars myself
right now.

384
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,317
- You'll be seeing stars in a minute.
- What?

385
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,597
Nothing. Why do you keep coming back in?

386
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,712
- Andy.
- What are you doing?

387
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,154
Come in here. It's all kicking off in here.

388
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,914
- I'm not coming in there.
- Come in here.

389
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,753
- What are you doing? What?
- Just come in.

390
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,834
(SNORTING)

391
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,436
- Who's that?
- Oh, hi!

392
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,631
- How are you doing? All right?
- Yeah.

393
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,233
He's one of us. Don't worry.

394
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,391
- I'm not into this.
- No, it's all right. Just have a little bit.

395
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,915
-It'll just cheer you up a bit.
- No, no, no.

396
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,991
What's going on in there?

397
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,797
I'm just finishing up.
Excuse me for five minutes.

398
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,678
Why are you doing a woman's voice?

399
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,479
- How many people are in there?
- One.

400
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,672
That's a different voice.

401
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,637
Two, including the woman
that you just heard.

402
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,199
Open the door.

403
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,509
Right, let me explain, okay?

404
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,036
I was just in here, and I was leaving,
and he put his... That's my agent.

405
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,077
Darren Lamb, nice to meet you.

406
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,673
You shouldn't say your name.
Never tell them your name.

407
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,273
Well, don't...

408
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,399
Well, he knows who...

409
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,797
-it was your fault.
- Why was it my fault?

410
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,952
Well, because they saw your head over
the cubicle door.

411
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,792
They saw your head under the cubicle door,

412
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,793
but there's no point
in arguing amongst ourselves, we're...

413
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,835
Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.

414
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,354
- Sorry. ls something funny?
- Your joke was excellent.

415
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:31,669
Shut up.

416
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,271
Corbett. It's always bloody Corbett.

417
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,471
You see, I expect it of him.

418
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,198
But you, you're the new kid on the block,
aren't you?

419
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,079
I mean, how'd you fall in with his crowd?

420
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,230
Is this it or is there any more?

421
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,230
Just a bit of whizz, you know,
to blow away the cobwebs.

422
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,470
Hand it over, then. Come on.

423
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:02,035
- And where did you get it?
- I don't remember.

424
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:05,192
Now, don't piss me about.
Where did you get it?

425
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,158
I don't remember.

426
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,438
Was it Moira Stuart?

427
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,159
I can't say.

428
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:17,557
Look, we don't want you.
Just give us a name, you can walk free.

429
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,075
You don't get it, mate, do you?
I don't remember.

430
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,436
All right,
here's something you will remember.

431
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:25,717
You're banned from BAFTA.
You can never win a BAFTA now.

432
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,154
- What? Me as well?
- Yeah, all of you.

433
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,355
Oh.

434
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,317
You can never attend
any of our varied events.

435
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,030
You can't come to the film BAFTAs,
you can't come to the TV BAFTAs,

436
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,270
and you can't even come
to the Children's BAFTAs.

437
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,192
What about the Welsh BAFTAs?

438
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:40,635
Well, would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs
if you were asked?

439
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,111
- Probably.
- Okay, expect a call.

440
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,510
- He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs if you want.
- Yeah.

441
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,513
Yeah, we're after, you know,
more respected comedians.

442
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,035
- Makes sense.
- Get out of my sight.

443
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,791
- That's all of you, yeah.
- Makes sense?

444
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:01,635
- I reckon I could have had him in a fight.
- Yeah. You idiot!

445
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:07,833
And the winner is Holby City.

446
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,994
Thank you all very, very much indeed.

447
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,836
- I'd like to thank...
- Is that the girl you lost your virginity to?

448
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,912
- Who?
- The one that looks like Ronnie Corbett.

449
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,311
That is Ronnie Corbett.

450
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:40,555
- Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?
- She might be a lesbian.

451
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,552
And why would I lose my virginity
to a lesbian?

452
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,029
I don't know. She might have turned
lesbian after you slept with her.

453
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,909
...we all say thank you for that.
On a personal note, thank you to my partner.

454
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:52,274
Once again, thank you...

455
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:55,432
Well, I can never win a BAFTA
as long as I live.

456
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,079
- Why?
- I don't want to go into it.

457
00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,595
This is a shitty night.
Can't get any worse, though.

458
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:03,878
I'd just like to say to Andy Millman, right,

459
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:06,793
I may be boring,

460
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:12,274
but at least I didn't lose my virginity
when I was 28

461
00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:13,873
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

462
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,112
to a woman who looks like
Ronnie fucking Corbett.

463
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:21,869
Prick!

464
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,193
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

465
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:28,118
No explanations needed. What's up next?

466
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,749
Huw Wheldon Award
for Specialist Factual, brilliant.

467
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,519
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
SUNG BY CHRIS MARTIN)

468
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,389
- Oh, can we get a cab?
- No. We'll walk.

469
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,630
I'm joking.
If we sell the dress, we can get a limo.

470
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,838
- Sorry, can I get your autograph, please?
- Sure.

471
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,474
- What's your name?
-It's Paul.

472
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,880
(THUDDING)

473
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,672
(MOUTHS)