1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,551
Oh, it says here I'm going to meet
a handsome man with bags of personality.

2
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,637
I told you, I'm married.

3
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,194
I still can't believe
you got somebody to marry you.

4
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:17,113
Don't be too amazed. You haven't seen her.

5
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,719
RAY: Bloody hell, Kimberley.
Are you still doing that timesheet?

6
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,360
- Hurry up.
-It's complicated, Mr Stokes.

7
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,432
Are you having a laugh?
Is she having a laugh?

8
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,431
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

9
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:32,194
You know it gives me a headache
if it's too hard.

10
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:35,432
Funny. That's what the wife
said to me yesterday.

11
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,349
I said, "Don't flatter yourself, love.
That's not hard. It died years ago.

12
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,192
"That's rigor mortis."

13
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,354
Andy Millman as Ray Stokes

14
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,592
in a scene from BBC One's new sitcom
When The Whistle Blows.

15
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,274
The catchphrase is "Are you having
a laugh?" Did you, Germaine Greer?

16
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,513
Oh, for goodness sake, why me?
Why do you make me watch this stuff?

17
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:59,595
This was sexist, misogynistic,
Neanderthal garbage.

18
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,151
It was nothing
but really nasty sub Carry On innuendo.

19
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:10,914
And it seems that this talentless Millman
individual also wrote the script. Wrote?

20
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,470
-It's supposed to have a writer?
- I think he needs a defender. Mark Kermode.

21
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,552
I think Germaine's being flattering about it.
I thought it was absolutely horrible.

22
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,677
Oh, I get the idea. They all seemed to like it.

23
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,512
No, I don't think so.
I think they're slagging you off.

24
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,954
Yeah. I'm being sarcastic.

25
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,158
Everyone involved should be
thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

26
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,040
Why did Germaine Greer
and all those feminists burn their bras?

27
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:30,269
What was going on there?

28
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:34,354
Well, it was a symbolic gesture to suggest
emancipation from a patriarchal society.

29
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,317
But I thought a bra
was supposed to help a lady,

30
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,549
stop her getting backache, or whatever.

31
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,313
You couldn't tell them at the time.
They were furious.

32
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,959
I bet they're kicking themselves now,
aren't they?

33
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,758
I bet their boobs are all saggy
round their ankles.

34
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,911
Sorry.
Can we concentrate on the matter at hand?

35
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,354
I was going to say, the weird thing is

36
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,158
that the worse the reviews are,
the better the ratings.

37
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,390
It's strange. I was thinking
about all those people that are making

38
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,233
really great programmes, but not getting
half the audience that you're getting,

39
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,072
and thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it
be great to work with them

40
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:56,958
"'cause they get a load of critical
respect and everything."

41
00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,351
Then I thought, "No, I'd much prefer
working with you because you've," erm...

42
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,397
"You've sold out."
Do you know what I mean?

43
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,675
We're all making a fast buck now,
which is great,

44
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,637
because I don't want to be doing this
for the rest of my life.

45
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,677
I do want to be doing this
for the rest of my life, actually.

46
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,354
Do you know how exhausting it is
getting panned by the critics every week?

47
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:14,399
I've got no respect and why should I have?
I'm not an actor. I shout a catchphrase.

48
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,393
Do you know why I got into acting
in the first place? Robert De Niro.

49
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:22,316
Do you think he'd be impressed with wigs,
shouting the same thing every week? No.

50
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,994
He's got a body of work
he can look back on and be proud of.

51
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,594
That's what I want.
Get me something I can be proud of.

52
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,399
- Has anything classy come in?
- Well, funny you should say that.

53
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,472
BBC are doing more
of those modern adaptations of Shakespeare.

54
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:34,709
Right.

55
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,350
- Doing King Lear.
- Okay. Who's playing Lear?

56
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,113
- Robson Green.
- No.

57
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,474
Get me some real Shakespeare.
Get me any play.

58
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,631
A play always sorts out an actor
whose career's struggling,

59
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,360
or they always pretend it was their first love
and they do a bit of theatre

60
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,559
and it gives them a bit of cred.
Get me a play. The play's the thing.

61
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,478
I'm going to write down play, Bar, all right?

62
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,951
I'm going to put this in an email
so you remember as well.

63
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,870
I've got the worst management in the world.
Do you know what I mean?

64
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,110
- Yeah.
- I'm successful now.

65
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,396
I'm still surrounded by the D team.
I want the A Team.

66
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:10,314
It's hard though, isn't it? I mean, they're
hiding in the Los Angeles underground, so...

67
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,516
- Not The A-Team.
- That's what you said.

68
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,069
No. They're fictional characters.

69
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,231
I thought it was a bit weird
you mentioned them.

70
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,231
- I didn't. I meant the phrase.
- What phrase?

71
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,960
The A team. It means the best
possible people for the job, doesn't it?

72
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,951
What about The Six Million Dollar Man?
Was that a phrase?

73
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,554
No. That was very specific to him
because he cost six million dollars.

74
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,950
No, no, no. That could have been a phrase.

75
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,759
Like, "Oh, look at him. He's a right old
six million dollar man, isn't he?"

76
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,114
When would you ever say that?

77
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,794
If you saw a man that could run fast
and see really well out of one eye.

78
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,679
What's the chance of that?
What is the chance of that ever happening?

79
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,274
I don't know.
I didn't make up the phrase, did I?

80
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,557
- It's not a phrase. It's, oh...
- See you down there.

81
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:45,994
See you later.

82
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,232
Oh, Liza, before you go,
could you sign that picture for me?

83
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,435
Yeah.

84
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,036
What's your name again, love?

85
00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,439
Don't worry about it. If you can't remember
my name, it really doesn't matter.

86
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,638
No. I've just forgotten
'cause there's so many people.

87
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,031
Right. So have you forgotten his name, then?

88
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,752
Or do you remember the actors,
but not the little people?

89
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,195
I've been doing your hair and make-up
for five weeks!

90
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,513
- I'm very sorry. I just...
- It's fine, it's fine. Doesn't matter.

91
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,559
- I've got a terrible memory.
- Don't worry about it. Don't worry.

92
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:23,355
Okay.

93
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:25,909
Sorry.

94
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,119
God. What a bitch.

95
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,032
Do you know, it's always the same
with some of these people.

96
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,873
"Oh, I'm on the telly, so I'm more important
than the fucking crew."

97
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,236
- Makes me sick.
- I know. What can you do?

98
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,833
(MOUTHS)

99
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,673
- Oh, Andy, by the way.
- Yeah.

100
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,797
Can you sign me a picture?

101
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,553
Can you sign that?

102
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,632
- This one?
- Yeah.

103
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,518
(CLEARING THROAT)

104
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,515
- Who's it to?
- Oh, it's just to me.

105
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,269
Uh...

106
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,036
What shall I put, though? To...?

107
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,232
To me and, I don't know,
best wishes or whatever.

108
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,949
Erm...

109
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,236
- What? Do you not want to sign that?
- No, with pleasure. It's just...

110
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,631
I was just thinking, erm,
I don't want to spell your name wrong.

111
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,997
- How are you spelling it?
- Oh, it's just the usual.

112
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:45,074
Okay, let's go for it.
Erm, oh, can't do it with that, though.

113
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,958
Let me go to the dressing room.
I've got a magic marker.

114
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,714
- Oh, I've got a magic marker.
- Have you?

115
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,400
In my bag.

116
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,918
Thanks. Right...

117
00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,558
Let's start with me first.

118
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:04,350
Andy Millman. Work backwards. Best wishes.

119
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,875
I mean that, "To..."

120
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,158
and then your name.

121
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,278
Oh, right, sorry. Before we do that.

122
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:18,319
Sorry about this, must... No, hold on.

123
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:22,599
Let me do this and we can get on with it.

124
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:24,989
Good.

125
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,400
- Do you want to get this done?
- Yep.

126
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,074
I'm really conscious of time.
I've got to get back down to the set.

127
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,356
Right, yeah, no. No, I know.

128
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,758
What's your name?

129
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:43,870
Well, you'll see what it is now
because Andy is about to write it down.

130
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,629
- Oh.
- Oh, stop blowing.

131
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,597
- Well...
- You don't know my name, do you?

132
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:54,150
-It's not that I don't know it.
- Yeah? What is it, then?

133
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,199
- What, in this context?
- Oh, forget it.

134
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,237
Honestly, forget it. It doesn't matter.

135
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,915
I've got to get down to set.
Just unbelievable.

136
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,832
Un-fucking-believable.

137
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,632
- She was upset.
- Yes. She was.

138
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,799
You knew I didn't know her name.
I said to you, "I don't know her name,"

139
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,918
- so why did you give me the magic marker?
- Just because you needed one.

140
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,038
No, no. That was an excuse to leave
and ask someone her name, wasn't it?

141
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,909
That's clever!
I'd never have thought to do that.

142
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,950
- What are you doing?
- Smell that. Nice fabric conditioner.

143
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,038
I like smells.
Do you know, I once had this bar of soap

144
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,715
and it smelt so nice that I bit into it
because I wanted to see what it tasted like.

145
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,916
It just tasted of soap.

146
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,719
Andy, reception say they've got
a guy here who says he knows you.

147
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,189
- Oh, God. Who is it?
- He says he went to school with you.

148
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,112
- Steve Sherwood.
- Steve Sherwood?

149
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,429
- Who is it?
- That's what he said.

150
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,840
- What? He's here now?
- Yeah.

151
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,479
- Can he come through?
- Yeah.

152
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,200
- Hiya, can you send that guy up?
- Who's that?

153
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,840
He was like the coolest kid in the school.
Everyone wanted to be like him.

154
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:01,955
- Even you?
- I suppose so. Yeah.

155
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,236
- What does he do now?
- I think he's something big in the city...

156
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,755
- You could still do that!
- I don't want to be like him now, do I?

157
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:10,993
I'm doing really well.
He probably wants to be like me, if anything.

158
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,514
He definitely doesn't want to be like you.

159
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:19,231
Andy Pandy, you little fat poofter.
Hey, poofter.

160
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,953
Hold on, hold on. You're with a pretty girl.

161
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,078
There can only be one explanation.
Are you a prostitute, darling?

162
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:27,480
Pretty girl.

163
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,198
- So you're doing all right?
- Yeah, not bad.

164
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,554
- Is this the missus?
- No.

165
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:31,869
Why do you protest so much?

166
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,600
What, you find the idea so repulsive?
She's an attractive lady.

167
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,670
Stop it.

168
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,080
You know we always thought
you were gay at school.

169
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:38,230
No, you didn't. Why?

170
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,118
- You never had a girlfriend.
- Not in front of you, I didn't.

171
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,235
Oh, so you had a girlfriend, did you?

172
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,833
- Yes.
- No, not until he was 28.

173
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:44,319
- 28?
- And she looked like Ronnie Corbett.

174
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,470
- Not this again.
- Ronnie Corbett?

175
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,676
No, it's... Why do you think I'm gay?

176
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,433
- You don't, do you? I'm not...
- Well, you are an actor.

177
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,194
- That is the gayest profession.
- Yeah. I think rent boy's gayer.

178
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,396
- Yeah, well, I wouldn't know.
- Well, of course it is...

179
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,791
Oh, you tell me,
you seem to know all about rent boys.

180
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:01,316
Oh, I'm not gay.
I never have been, I never will be.

181
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,514
Let's...

182
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,717
nip that in the bud.

183
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,110
Andy! Oh, for fuck's... What am I doing?

184
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,474
What are you sitting on that little chair for?

185
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,074
- Just, well, that one's dangerous.
- What do you want?

186
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,559
Erm, the play.

187
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:35,110
- I was talking to one of my contacts.
- You mean Barry from EastEnders?

188
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,271
Yeah, and he's got a friend who's an actor

189
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,591
who's just had a meeting with
Sir Ian McKellen, who's directing a new play.

190
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,159
So I put in some calls and you've got

191
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,038
- a meeting with McKellen on Wednesday.
- Really?

192
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,078
- Yeah.
- There's some nice birds round here.

193
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,275
Suppose so.

194
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,476
- Andy, we'll be ready in about five minutes.
- Cheers.

195
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,790
- Five minutes is all I need.
- What?

196
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,279
Steve Sherwood. What's your name?

197
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,112
- Susie.
- Nice to meet you, Susie.

198
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,476
- What time do you finish here?
- About 10:00.

199
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,949
Right, do you mind if I give you a call?

200
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,350
- Sure, okay.
- What's your number?

201
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,837
- Speak to you later.
- Okay.

202
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:20,033
Player. Respect, man.
Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Millman.

203
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,430
- This is Steve Sherwood, friend of mine.
- Are you a friend of his?

204
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,353
I don't think so.
This guy's an absolute player. Respect again.

205
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,796
Listen, if we're talking about the honeys.
There's a chick I've got my eye on actually.

206
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,030
- Who?
- Her.

207
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,873
- Maggie.
- Maggie? Forget it.

208
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,758
Yeah, from what I've heard, she's pretty easy.

209
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,195
Yeah. She's not that easy. Good luck.

210
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,112
How would you approach it?
I mean, what sort of...

211
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,431
Just walk straight up to her and say, "I've
been admiring you from afar for a long time

212
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,080
"and I haven't said anything,
but I would love to take you out one night

213
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,833
"and see if we have
as good a time as I think we will.

214
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,752
"Would you like to have dinner
with me sometime?"

215
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,160
- Bang.
- Okay.

216
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:52,799
- Don't think about it. Just do it.
- Just do it.

217
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,154
No. Don't do it, please.

218
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,880
- Well, he says do it.
- Get over there. Go on.

219
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,553
Oh, look at him.

220
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,078
- Maggie, hello, sorry to...
- Hi.

221
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,913
Erm, just wanted to let you know
that I've been watching you secretly

222
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,959
without you knowing and I would be
very keen to spend the night with you

223
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:14,477
and see if you enjoy it
as much as I know I will and, erm,

224
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:18,872
happy to pay for it as well if, you know,
for dinner, if you want to, if you eat dinner...

225
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,951
Obviously you eat dinner.

226
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,716
- Are you asking me out?
- Yeah.

227
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,673
- What, and cook me dinner?
- I can cook you dinner if you want, yeah.

228
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,159
- Can you cook?
- Yes.

229
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,629
- Yeah, okay, then.
- Really?

230
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,910
- Yeah.
- Okay, cool.

231
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,960
- I'll give you a call, shall I?
- Yeah.

232
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,472
- See you later.
- Bye.

233
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,270
- What did she say?
- She said yes.

234
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:50,433
Really? Oh, my God.
It's worse than I thought.

235
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,558
- She's hit rock bottom.
- Yes, she has.

236
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,680
Do you know what? I've never seen him
even try and chat up a woman.

237
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,717
No, no, because I wouldn't do it
in front of you, would I?

238
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,552
I'm actually beginning to think
he might be a bit gay.

239
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,678
- Join the club.
- No. Don't join any club because I'm not.

240
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,159
Sure, you could chat up a woman right now.

241
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,833
- Yes, if I wanted to.
- Go on, then.

242
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,752
- I don't want to.
- We've both done it.

243
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,912
- Go on. This one coming now, go on.
- No, no, no, no.

244
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,150
(IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING)

245
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,593
Hi.

246
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,035
Hi, do you know what, er,
time we finish tonight?

247
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,633
Oh, I don't know. About 10:00-ish, I think.

248
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,154
10:00, hey...

249
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,631
(SPLUTTERING)

250
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:40,590
Just wanted to know what time we finished.
Cheers. That was unlucky.

251
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,079
(GASPING)

252
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,197
She answered me and everything.
10:00, she said.

253
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,750
You know, are you still... Sparkling.

254
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,757
She definitely noticed.

255
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,239
(COUGHING)

256
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,199
McKELLEN: Tilly, I thought
she was interesting.

257
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,031
That... That's better. That one.

258
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,916
- Hello.
- Hello, Andy Millman.

259
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,072
- Andy, do sit down.
-It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir Ian.

260
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:13,233
Please, no titles in the workplace. Thank you.

261
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,630
Andy Millman.

262
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,791
Good, good.

263
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,678
Not much theatre work of late?

264
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,478
- No, no.
- No, that's fine.

265
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,157
You're in good hands here.

266
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,078
How do I act so well?

267
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:35,193
What I do is I pretend to be

268
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,352
the person I'm portraying in the film or play.

269
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,155
Yeah.

270
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,436
- You're confused. It's perfectly simple.
- No.

271
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:47,070
Case in point, Lord of the Rings.
Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand,

272
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:51,119
says to me, "Sir Ian,
I want you to be Gandalf the wizard."

273
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,319
And I say to him, "You are aware
that I am not really a wizard."

274
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,073
And he said, "Yes, I am aware of that.
What I want you to do

275
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:07,270
"is to use your acting skills to portray
the wizard for the duration of the film."

276
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,720
So I said, "Okay."

277
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,873
And then I said to myself,
"Hmm, how would I do that?"

278
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,551
And this is what I did.

279
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,274
I imagined what it would be like
to be a wizard

280
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:26,156
and then I pretended

281
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,709
and acted in that way on the day.

282
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,400
- Yeah.
- And how did I know what to say?

283
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,711
(WHISPERING) The words
were written down for me in a script.

284
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,270
How did I know where to stand?
People told me.

285
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:48,678
If we were to draw a graph of my process,
of my method,

286
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,991
it would be something like this.
Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action!

287
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:57,473
"Wizard, you shall not pass!"
Cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.

288
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,679
- Okay, do you see?
- Yeah.

289
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,719
Now, you would be pretending
to be John in this play.

290
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,312
And how would you know what to say?
Well, the words will be in the script.

291
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,755
- Yeah.
- And you would learn the words.

292
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,990
You would not have the script on the night.

293
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,390
And that goes for everybody.
There will be no scripts on the night.

294
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:16,675
- You'll learn the words.
- Yeah, I...

295
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,434
And you will speak them
as if you were saying them for the first time.

296
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,830
- I didn't think we would have the script.
- No, you won't.

297
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,275
Because if you did have the script,
it would break the illusion

298
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,078
- and the whole thing is illusion. Do you see?
- Of course.

299
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,310
- You are not really John.
- No, I know.

300
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,950
You are pretending and that is acting.

301
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,554
What's the...

302
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:43,639
What's the play about?

303
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:48,999
It's a new play by Charley, Charley Heyward.
And as I say, you would be the part of John.

304
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,753
And you're in love with Fran.

305
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,913
And the whole centrepiece of the play
is the emotional confrontation

306
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,153
where the two of you address
those unspoken feelings...

307
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:00,753
- Okay.
-...that you've been bottling up.

308
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,275
- That sounds challenging. Yeah.
- Oh, I hope so.

309
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,954
And, I don't know, is it anything
that you'd be interested in?

310
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,795
- Oh, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Great.

311
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,871
So let me introduce you to the team.

312
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,713
- There's Fran, who's your lover.
- Yeah.

313
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,714
- Leslie. Leslie, this is Andy.
- Good to meet you.

314
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,155
- You're Fran? Fran's a man?
- Yes.

315
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,914
It can be because Fran Healy out of Travis.

316
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,358
- What?
- Yep.

317
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,197
And our clever little writer, Charley.

318
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,759
Who's a woman!

319
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,630
- I'm Fran's lover in this?
- Yes. Fran.

320
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,032
Can I... Can I have a quick look
at the script just before... Yeah.

321
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,153
No one said anything about that...

322
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,799
And I don't know
if you'd be happy to do this...

323
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,030
Yeah. I just want to...

324
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,997
We thought we might do a little workshop

325
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,310
of some of the lines, you know,
get it up on its feet.

326
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,835
Kick it around a bit, I don't know.
Do you have time for that?

327
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,991
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Andy?

328
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,400
Can I get you something?

329
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,676
- Some water, cup of tea?
- Yeah, yeah. Tea.

330
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,355
- George, will you get Andy a cup of tea?
- Yeah, no problem.

331
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,238
George. Of course.

332
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,833
All right?

333
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,352
Moron.

334
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,192
- What? Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, I'm talking to you.

335
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,954
- Why didn't you tell me it was a gay play?
- What... What gay?

336
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,917
The play I'm in that you got me,
A Month Of Summers.

337
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,231
It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay
with another gay, acting all gay,

338
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,756
all through the play. It's... It's so gay.

339
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:32,549
Do not worry. Do you know why?
Gay, my friend, is all the rage.

340
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,677
- What does that mean?
- Let me tell you what it means.

341
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,957
It will show you are sensitive.
It will show that you are versatile, all right?

342
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:41,920
Case in point, Mr Thomas Hanks, okay?
Now people weren't interested in Tom Hanks

343
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,638
and suddenly he does that film,
Philadelphia, yeah.

344
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:47,190
Remember in that film he played
a skinny little bent fellow, remember?

345
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,840
After that, everyone loved him.
Do you know what I mean?

346
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,070
Or those two guys from Brokeback Mountain.
They're not even gay.

347
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,720
I was watching that, right,
and they were getting off with each other.

348
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:55,949
Oh, I was sick to the stomach.

349
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,678
They were so convincing
that even though I was going,

350
00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,159
"They're not really queer,
they're not really queer,"

351
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,517
I was still repulsed
because of how good they were.

352
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,949
When did you go and see
Brokeback Mountain?

353
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,316
I watched it on DVD with Bar.

354
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,834
I don't know.

355
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,270
(BOYS KEEP SWINGING PLAYING)

356
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,517
John, I love you.

357
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,915
I know.

358
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,598
Yes. That's lovely.

359
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,275
Thanks.

360
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,399
Hi. Can I just check
there are some tickets for, uh,

361
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,278
my colleagues from the BBC
who should be coming down.

362
00:18:57,360 --> 00:19:00,478
Damon Beesley plus one
and lain Morris plus one.

363
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,672
- Yeah. We've got them.
- Oh, great, okay, well...

364
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,479
- Andy Pandy!
- Oh.

365
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,439
You remember these boys from school,
don't you? Nobby, Boss Hogg, Gut Rot.

366
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,158
(STAMMERING) What are you doing here?

367
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,436
- You're not here for the play, are you?
- Yeah. We've got tickets.

368
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,999
Oh, not your type of thing.

369
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,798
No, no, no. We're looking forward to it.
What's it about?

370
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,474
It's all feelings and emotions.
I'm just here for the...

371
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,473
Oh, no. Oh, God, look at that.
Poofters at 12:00.

372
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:23,675
What can you do?

373
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,512
- Is that your audience, is it?
- No way.

374
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,672
- Andy? Hiya!
- Fans.

375
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,429
- Thanks for sorting out tickets, love.
- No worries.

376
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,113
Why are you sorting the Village People out
with tickets?

377
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:34,634
Village People!

378
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:38,714
- Guess who!
- Bunny. Christ!

379
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,873
I couldn't miss
my little genie's first grown-up play.

380
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,634
Oh, you do hang around
with all the butch boys, don't you?

381
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,074
Hello, I'm Bunny.

382
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:51,950
- He was... He was... How's the wife?
- Oh, gone. I was living a lie and she knew it.

383
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,635
But now I'm able to go out
and enjoy some serious cock, guilt free.

384
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:59,793
Yuma, yuma, yuma, yuma. Break a leg.

385
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,874
I'm going to, er, go down, get changed.

386
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,950
Come down for a few beers if you want,
but don't hang around for this shit.

387
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,199
- Hello.
- Hi.

388
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,918
- How are you doing?
- Good.

389
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,038
I've just been talking to Leslie
and we think it would be better

390
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,556
if at the end of act two,
you were to kiss each other.

391
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,277
- No.
- No?

392
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,352
Leslie and you kiss each other
at the end of act two?

393
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,953
- Ah. No, no.
- No?

394
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:38,113
- No. Why?
- Because it's too obvious.

395
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,477
Oh, now, dear.
Don't forget you've finally been able

396
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:41,959
- to express your feelings...
- Yeah.

397
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,634
...toward each other
for the first time in 20 years

398
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:49,112
and I think a kiss would be a sort of
physicalisation of this emotional liberation.

399
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,431
You know, your freedom to show the world
what you are.

400
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:53,954
Not the whole world, though.

401
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,270
Let's... Let's give them a clue,
but let's keep it subtle.

402
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:57,509
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

403
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,193
- But if he just leans over you...
- Yeah.

404
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:03,114
Kisses me on the cheek,
shake hands, curtain comes down.

405
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:06,318
Bravo, encore.
What a brilliantly directed play. Well done!

406
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,550
Well, thank you, dear.
No, dear, he must kiss you on the lips.

407
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,278
- No. He can't kiss me on the lips.
- Why is that?

408
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,237
- Cold sore.
- Where?

409
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,436
- Yeah, opening night. Sod's law.
- What, let me see.

410
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,272
- You can't really... It's underneath.
- No!

411
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,556
- Don't you worry about that.
- I do worry about that.

412
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,712
We'll soon sort that out.
Old theatre trick. Yeah.

413
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,394
George, can you get us some Vaseline?

414
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,600
DARREN: Hello, all right?
MAGGIE: Hello, yes.

415
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,274
DARREN: Come in, come through.
This is the crib.

416
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:35,680
- So, um...
- God, it's big!

417
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,752
- No, it's... Well, er, yes. Yeah, it's all right.
- It's nice, isn't it?

418
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,195
- I've bought you...
- Oh, thank you very much. Is that red or...

419
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,634
It's red, but I'll drink anything.

420
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,109
- No. I got red myself.
- Oh, right, okay.

421
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,237
So obviously we're both fans of red.

422
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,879
- Fine.
- I quite like wine.

423
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,234
I like anything, me.

424
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,119
Sorry. Do you want me to take your coat
because it's quite hot in here?

425
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,634
- Because of the cooking.
- It's a nice smell.

426
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,792
Yeah, no, it's... Well, we're going sort of...
Sort of Oriental.

427
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,076
- Will I just hang it up?
- Yeah, just hang it up, yeah.

428
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:22,953
(SEAGULLS CALLING)

429
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,799
Come on, Fran! You're like an old lady.

430
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,035
I stopped to pick up this shell. Look.

431
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,396
-It's beautiful.
-It is.

432
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,592
Do you remember the first time
we came here?

433
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,990
- Yeah, with Paul.
- Yeah.

434
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,277
- Ah, bloody sea.
- Why are you so scared of the sea?

435
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:06,359
I'm not scared of the sea.
It's just when it gets in your shoes,

436
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:10,115
the salt-water just rots away the stitches
and they fall apart

437
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:15,593
- and you... You have to throw them away.
- Are you still talking about the sea?

438
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,435
- Of course. What else?
- You're mad.

439
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,595
I'm going back to the beach house.

440
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,158
Fran! Wait for me!

441
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,157
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

442
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:44,639
- Ooh.
- Yeah.

443
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,279
You've got to go like that.
It kept getting caught.

444
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,515
- Christmas?
- Yeah.

445
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,479
- That's not a proper Christmas.
- No. It's just... I like the sound of it.

446
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,552
I know, but you can't have
a proper Christmas dinner in Ibiza.

447
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,472
(TOILET FLUSHING)

448
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:23,029
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, just waiting for the cistern to refill.

449
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,957
Just left a bit of...

450
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:29,590
Didn't, you know, flush away completely.
So... Anyway...

451
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,631
- Are you going to sit down?
- No,

452
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,711
'cause it's on my mind, to be honest, so...

453
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,792
- Okay, right, right.
- I want to get it sorted.

454
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,710
- Is that all right?
- Yes. Just...

455
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,192
Let's have another go.

456
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,873
(TOILET FLUSHING)

457
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,552
Oh, for fuck's sake.

458
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,120
Don't worry about it.

459
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:16,838
Do you know,
I don't want you to have to see it.

460
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:20,515
I don't want you to have to worry about it.

461
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,353
That'll sort it.

462
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,511
I was just mashing it up.

463
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,312
You kept the shell?

464
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,069
Of course I did. You gave it to me.

465
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,031
It wasn't mine to give.

466
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,598
I kept it anyway.

467
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,753
Nearer the knee.

468
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,913
John, I love you.

469
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:16,351
In the play. I know.

470
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,709
- I'm going to kiss you.
- No point.

471
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,391
Silly. Sometimes I don't know
what you're talking about.

472
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,677
We do, we agreed.
If any nonsense happens, I'm going home!

473
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:30,558
Let's just have a lovely evening

474
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,110
and appreciate the stars and the moon
as agreed, okay?

475
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,919
So just run to the next bit.

476
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,831
It's not going to happen.

477
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,672
Who the fuck's that?

478
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,550
What are you doing?
It's like Deliverance in here.

479
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,597
What are you playing at?

480
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,950
I said I wouldn't do the kiss.

481
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,229
McKellen comes to me five minutes before
and drops that bombshell on me.

482
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,711
"Oh, we'd like you to do the kiss."
Not my cup of tea, mate.

483
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:03,430
And then all that.
And him a knight of the realm.

484
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:08,753
Do you want to do the end bit without that?
Oh, he's got the hump.

485
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:15,520
No understudy, so I'm afraid
that's the end of the run. Sorry about that.

486
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:19,036
We'd nearly finished anyway, to be fair.
Only about five minutes to go, wasn't there?

487
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:24,354
All you missed was, er, we find out me
and Fran were both having it off with Paul.

488
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,239
Do you remember Paul we mentioned earlier?

489
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,160
Paul killed himself
'cause he was wracked with guilt

490
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,517
about doing both of us
behind the other one's back.

491
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:35,995
So...

492
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,870
She's writing all this down.
That's not very good, is it?

493
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,038
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?

494
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,671
Not my audience, so what?

495
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,152
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING)