1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:03,633 JONATHAN ROSS: A lot of people when they get famous 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,917 they find a lot of temptations in their way, they maybe drink too much, eat too much. 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,118 They get invited to parties and so forth, and, you know, weight can be a problem. 4 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,989 You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight. 5 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,113 Would I be right in that? Is it a struggle? 6 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:19,397 It's not a struggle. The more I eat, the fatter I get, it's... 7 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,278 - But you're comfortable? -It's easy, it's easy. 8 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,954 What are your ambitions? Obviously this has been a big hit for you, 9 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,110 a surprise hit some would say. 10 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,998 But what are your ambitions over and above this? 11 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,878 You gonna do more of the same or do you want to branch out? 12 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:32,715 I suppose I would like to do, you know, serious acting 13 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,120 and I would like to do films. 14 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,998 Who'd you like to meet? Who'd you like to work with? 15 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,195 You don't know anyone. 16 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,396 I know most people in Hollywood, I've interviewed most of them. 17 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:43,030 I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro. 18 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,838 I've interviewed all the greats. 19 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,117 Yeah, obviously Robert De Niro's the greatest actor in the world, 20 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,430 so I'd obviously like to work with him. 21 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,875 All right, challenge accepted. Challenge accepted. 22 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,713 No, challenge accepted, De Niro. I will hook you up with De Niro. 23 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:59,111 - You can get me De Niro? - Yeah. But lose some weight first. 24 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,114 - Andy? - Hi. 25 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:05,759 - Well done, that was great. - Really? 26 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,751 -It was fantastic, you were fantastic. - Cheers. 27 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,353 - Are you gonna stay for a drink? - Yeah. 28 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,238 All right, wait for me in there, I've got to pop downstairs. 29 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,436 But don't go without seeing me, I'd really love to chat. 30 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,672 - Okay, all right. - Wait for me. I'll be a minute. 31 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,198 - Is that your first chat show? - Yeah. 32 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,679 - You're not serious? - I was nervous as well. 33 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,750 It didn't show. 34 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,114 - Oh, really? - No, I didn't notice. 35 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,077 - You were great, I loved your stories. - I'm used to it. 36 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,514 I've done loads, you'll get used to it. 37 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,558 Sorry, have you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience? 38 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:33,630 Yeah. What, now? 39 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:34,994 - Is that all right? - Yeah. 40 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,991 MAN: Joe, this is Andy. Andy, Joe. 41 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:38,309 - Hi. - Hi. 42 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,870 - You all right? - Yeah, can I ask... 43 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,551 Joe's going into hospital next week, St Matthews. 44 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,634 May be in for quite a long time, 45 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,836 and would you pop in and say hello? 46 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,115 Would I...? 47 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,477 Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in hospital? 48 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,439 I'm not sure what I'm doing. 49 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:00,834 - All right, well... - To be honest. 50 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,434 Give me your number and we can arrange something. 51 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,955 - Yeah, if you call my agent on... - Not your agent. 52 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:07,997 - Not my agent? - No. They fob you off, agents. 53 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,390 What's your mobile? 54 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,236 I lost my mobile. I don't know where it is at the moment. 55 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,715 - It's in your pocket. - It's in my what? 56 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,677 It's in your pocket. 57 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,032 Oh, I thought I looked there. I... 58 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:28,876 Why didn't I look in there? I usually look in my pocket. Well done, kid. 59 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:30,873 What's your number? 60 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,239 - Mine? - Yeah. 61 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,789 Can I remember it? 0... 62 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,474 7700900. 63 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,238 1-5-8. 64 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,833 Oh, I'll just ring it so I've got it in there. 65 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,673 Well, don't, no, that's my old one. That's the one I lost. 66 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,398 That's the one I lost. 67 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:59,997 No. If you're gonna test it, it's 07700900168. 68 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,116 Okay, all right. Well, I'll ring to confirm Monday. 69 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,237 - I don't know if I can... - You can make it Monday. 70 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,118 -It's just half an hour. - Yeah. 71 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,998 - Get a cab, you can afford it. - Yeah, I know. 72 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,912 - But... - 6:00, St Matthews? 73 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,038 He's gonna be on the Parrot Ward, neurology block. 74 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,031 - And it's 6:00. - Okay. 75 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,190 - See you at 6:00. - Yeah. 76 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,759 Great, thank you very, very much. 77 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:19,955 - Say goodbye. - Goodbye. 78 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,075 - Cheers. - Bye-bye, thanks. 79 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,275 Bye. 80 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,112 (WHISPERING) This way. 81 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,677 - Bit weird, innit? - Bit presumptuous. 82 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,751 No, I mean it's weird she didn't ask me. 83 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,674 I mean, knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people. 84 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:42,671 Well, maybe she didn't notice me. 85 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,319 - Maybe. - Unlikely. 86 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,711 I think you're gonna notice Robert Lindsay in a room. 87 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,758 No, she probably saw me and thought, "I'd love to ask him first, 88 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,993 "being one of Britain's best loved actors, and let's not forget, you know, he can sing, 89 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,072 "he can dance and he has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake." 90 00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,514 Ah. 91 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,992 No, she... I know what it was, she was intimidated and she, you know, thought, 92 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:08,074 "Bird in the hand, I'll definitely get a "yes" from the nobody." 93 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,039 Worried about this kid though, aren't you? 94 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,077 - Yeah... - No, I'm worried. I'm worried about the kid 95 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:17,199 because if this, you know, so-called mother is making stupid mistakes like that, 96 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,840 you know, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making? 97 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,958 (INHALING DEEPLY) Is she screwing up his medication? 98 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,313 - Is she, is she? - I don't know. 99 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,595 No, no. 100 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,912 - Good luck. Keep them laughing. - Cheers. 101 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,594 (SAXOPHONE PLAYING) 102 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,798 Would you like to come back for a nightcap? 103 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,757 Yeah, I'd love to. 104 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:54,914 (CHATTERING) 105 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,515 - Oh, hiya. Nice night? - Yeah, it was lovely, yeah, yeah. 106 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,749 This is Maggie. 107 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,274 - Hi. - Hello, Maggie. 108 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,000 - You live with your parents? - Yeah. 109 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,275 If you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear? 110 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,589 We need to get up early tomorrow. 111 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,079 We're not gonna get up to anything. 112 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:18,719 Oh, I think Michael thinks you are. 113 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,633 I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here. 114 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,189 You don't want people saying you're a prick-tease, love. 115 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,554 Definitely not. 116 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,679 Girl like you, you're no spring chicken, you must be sexually active. 117 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,831 You look like you know your way around. 118 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,833 Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something? 119 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,911 - Hmm? - Are you on contraception? 120 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,718 - Yeah. - What kind? 121 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:44,759 - Just the pill. - The pill? 122 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:49,835 Don't go on the pill, danger of thrombosis. I always use a cap, don't I, dear? 123 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:54,073 She does use a cap, but sometimes I pop a johnny on as well, just to be safe. 124 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,437 Belt and braces, we've got two sons, that's enough. 125 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,875 Now we want the fun without the responsibility. 126 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,519 (ALL CHUCKLING) 127 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,314 Doesn't have to be penetrative sex, either, of course. 128 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,720 Plenty of other things to do. 129 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,632 Sometimes we do everything but. 130 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:10,869 (ALL CHUCKLING) 131 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,679 An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. 132 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,593 (CHUCKLING) Indeed. Indeed. 133 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,190 - Do you play at all? - Mmm. 134 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,315 We should definitely have a game. 135 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,038 I used to play at school, I haven't played for a while. 136 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,952 I can see that. I've got a court in my back garden. 137 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,077 - Right, money on it. - I will knock you all over the place. 138 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:49,437 Actually I've got two courts. Brilliant, thank you. I'm gonna show you this. 139 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,557 - Is that your wages? - No. I've got two of these... 140 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,233 (MOBILE RINGING) 141 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,515 I got one in Japan, one in New York, right. 142 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,671 - Oh, I'm sorry. - I'll set it up. 143 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,319 - Hello? - MAGGIE: Hello, it's me. 144 00:06:58,400 --> 00:06:59,879 Hi, yeah. 145 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,078 - What can I do for you? - Nothing. I'm just phoning for a chat. 146 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,309 Oh, God. 147 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,358 I've got to tell you about this date that I've just been on. 148 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:09,792 Do you have to tell me right now? 149 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,359 - What, are you busy? - Yeah. 150 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,477 I'm right in the middle of something at the moment. 151 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,039 Well, I'll call you later, then? 152 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,555 Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished, though. 153 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,075 - Look at this. - Sort of really snowed under. 154 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,390 I've got to go. I'll speak to you soon, yeah? 155 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,790 All right, well, I'll speak to you... 156 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,798 That's my toy, right, but this is his toy, I had to buy this separately. 157 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,269 - Check this out. - I love the fact that your toys have got toys. 158 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,034 (MAN ON TV CHATTERING) 159 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,112 Okay, so, how are you getting on with the De Niro thing? 160 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,080 - What's that? - For f... I told you. It... 161 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,673 Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film. 162 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,229 You said you'd get me an audition, you said you'd make a few phone calls. 163 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,993 - I've been looking into that. - Have you? 164 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,515 But it's tricky 'cause all his people are in Los Angeles... 165 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,433 - So? You've got a phone. - Yeah, it's complicated, though, 'cause... 166 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,750 It took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead. 167 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,160 - They're behind. - Are they? 168 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,197 - Yes. - That explains quite a lot. 169 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,875 - So what time would it be over there now? - Right, it's 4:00 here so eight hours. 170 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,190 - Five, six, seven... - No, you're going up. 171 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,396 - Five, six, seven... - You're still going up. 172 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,269 - No, that's down... - No, it's 4:00 here so eight hours, 8:00. 173 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,509 That's four hours ahead. 174 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,318 - In the morning! - Oh, okay, yes. 175 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,676 - Supposing they get in at 9:00... -10:00, have a cup of coffee. 176 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,274 - Say hello to the people and... Yeah. - All right. 177 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,078 - Add eight... - To what? 178 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:27,594 -10: -10.18? 179 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,320 - What do you mean, 18? - Oh, add eight hours, you mean? 180 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,435 - Well, of course. - Yeah. Sorry. 181 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,875 - So call them at 6:00. - Right, their time. 182 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,519 - Our time! - Our time. Yeah. 183 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:36,590 And what time will it be over there? 184 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:37,750 -10:00. -10:00. 185 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,558 - At night? In the morning. - In the morning! 186 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,395 Forget it. If I can get hold of Robert De Niro before you, you're fired, okay? 187 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,154 I've outgrown you, I don't know what you're for. 188 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,676 Have another go but if I beat you to him, you're fired. 189 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,193 - Hey, hello. - All right. What you doing here? 190 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,953 Some more extra work, obviously. 191 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,395 - That's where it's tight, there. -It's the same as it was before. 192 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:11,189 Listen, Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on with this guy, right. 193 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,511 To look at him, you would think that he was Mr Perfect. 194 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,511 - Your dad? - What? 195 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,877 - What did you say? Your dad what? - No, a date. I went on a date. 196 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,598 - Oh, right. - Try it now. 197 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:25,594 Is this a really bad time? 'Cause I can easily come back and catch you here. 198 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,159 - That's better. - At a later date. 199 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,639 - Whatever you did. - We should hook up. 200 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,190 I've hardly seen you, well, not in the flesh. I've seen you in the paper. 201 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,910 In fact, a photograph of you here with your new best friend. 202 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,752 (ANDY CHUCKLES) 203 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,196 Oh, wow. "Wossy takes fwiend for a wide." 204 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,191 That's at his house in Swanage. 205 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:44,953 That was a brilliant day. 206 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,475 Yeah. 207 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,313 Well, we should go and get a cup of tea or something sometime. 208 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,119 Yeah. Don't you get it, get a runner to get it. 209 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,513 No, not now. I'm saying we should get together and have a cup of tea. 210 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,753 Tell you what, if you do want to hook up and do me a favour at the same time, 211 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,797 I've got to go and see this sick kid in hospital Monday. 212 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,439 I'm dreading it, I don't know what to say to him. 213 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,079 At least if you're there, I'll have someone to talk to. 214 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,959 You sure you want me to come? Sounds like you should be asking some hot date. 215 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,634 No, it'll be awful. No, you're great. 216 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,791 - Buy myself a new dress, then. - Ah? 217 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,679 Nothing. 218 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,073 Right, well, I'll leave you to it, then. 219 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,559 - Look at his face. - Bye. 220 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,995 Why's he on a bike when he's got about five cars? 221 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,070 (CHUCKLES) 222 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,316 (WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD PLAYING) 223 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:58,075 (SCREAMS) 224 00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,798 Oh, you bastard! 225 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,478 (BOTH LAUGHING) 226 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,590 - MAN: Cut, cut, cut. - Sorry. 227 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,836 - You know what to do? - The bucket fell off the thing. 228 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,911 Yes, I'm sure it did. 229 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,117 Can you just tuck that in? 230 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,239 Look who's here. 231 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:24,355 - Hello. - JOE: Hello. 232 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:25,919 - Hi! - Do the catchphrase. 233 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,479 Let him sit down. 234 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,278 Sit down. 235 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,558 Now do the catchphrase. 236 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,799 Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh? 237 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,474 Oh, it's good, that is very clever. 238 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,474 - This is my friend Maggie. - Hi. 239 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:44,550 Hi. 240 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,838 What you been doing? 241 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,110 Just lying here. 242 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,429 Yeah. 243 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,359 Comfy? 244 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,829 It's pretty comfy, yeah. 245 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,951 And I'm on morphine so I can't really feel anything. 246 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,955 Rather that than terrible pain. 247 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,273 - Are you his girlfriend? - No. 248 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,556 No, just a friend. 249 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,200 Why do you have a friend who's a girl? Boring. 250 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:34,478 They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid, that amuses me. 251 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,995 - I'm not stupid. - Very dim. 252 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,476 That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair. 253 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,359 - Could you keep a goldfish in that? - See? 254 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,870 - Andy, can I have a word? - Yeah, sure. 255 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,189 - Outside? - Mmm. 256 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,999 Don't touch anything, they're not toys. 257 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,637 - Are you a Chelsea fan? - Yeah. 258 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,031 Can I just ask, and it's a very sensitive issue, 259 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,271 but if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away... 260 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,517 - Who's Joe? - Joe, my son. 261 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,752 - Oh, no, sorry, yeah, I know. Yeah, I knew. - Yeah. 262 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:15,794 If he did pass away, would you say a few words at his funeral? 263 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,354 Oh, I... 264 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,957 - I don't even want to think about that. - Well, we have to think about it now. 265 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,110 I know, but... 266 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,318 It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate, 267 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:32,234 knowing how much you mean to Joe, and how much he means to you. 268 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:37,190 So if you could tell me, yes, you'd be happy to say a few words... 269 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,909 But... 270 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,639 I think he's gonna live a very long time. 271 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,513 - He may not. - He will. 272 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,273 - He may not. - Oh, but, yeah, I know. 273 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:51,638 But it's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead. 274 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,438 We may even lose him in the next six months. 275 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:57,150 Yeah, six months is a long time with my schedule 'cause things change and I... 276 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,880 Can I just say that you've promised you'll be there 277 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,635 unless it's something like literally impossible for you to get out of? 278 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,677 - Like filming or... - Not filming. 279 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,518 Not filming? That's not important enough? 280 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,389 Well, what do you consider a good enough excuse to get me out of this? 281 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,915 Just so I don't bother you with, like, I'm phoning you up going, 282 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,755 "Oh, I can't make it 'cause of this..." and you're going, "That's not an excuse." 283 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:18,955 - You know? - Right. 284 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,394 What we talking? What sort of... 285 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,437 - Can we just talk about it later? - Yeah. 286 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,796 - Let's go back in there. - Yeah. 287 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,356 Where is he? There he is! There he is! 288 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:32,755 (ROBERT LAUGHING) 289 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,400 There is the boy. Look at his face. 290 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,397 Dumbstruck. I know, I understand, it's okay, it's okay. 291 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,711 - You were expecting a one-hit wonder. - You all right? 292 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,077 And what did you get? Bloody British legend. 293 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,798 I know you know me from My Family, 294 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,315 the biggest and most popular sitcom in England, 295 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,552 but did you know I'm a serious actor? 296 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,711 Oh, yeah, and I can sing and dance. 297 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,598 # Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh 298 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,035 # Don't you know that the world wants to laugh 299 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:04,432 # My dad said "Be an actor, my son, but be a comical one" 300 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:08,991 # They'll be standing in lines For those old honky tonk monkeyshines 301 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,640 # Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha# 302 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,233 # Gotta dance! 303 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,038 # Broadway rhythm, it's got me 304 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,351 # Every dance! Oh, that Broadway rhythm, driving, beating 305 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:23,389 # Rhythm from Mr Broadway Melody, yeah # 306 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,914 (EXCLAIMING) 307 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,317 - LINDSAY: Oi. - Sorry. 308 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,960 It's the morphine. I'm tired. 309 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,156 I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest. 310 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,514 Rude. 311 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,671 Well, I'm not really into musicals. 312 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,717 So, what are you into? 313 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,440 Well, comedies with catchphrases, like Andy's. 314 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,034 Freedom for Tooting! Power to the people! 315 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,599 What's that? 316 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,475 Your kid does not know comedy. Sort it out now. 317 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:58,037 Citizen Smith, biggest sitcom of the '70s. Come on. 318 00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,758 I wasn't born until 1993. 319 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,958 I wasn't born until 1949, but I know who Queen Victoria is. 320 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,873 For God's sake, something wrong with your brain? 321 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,234 (CLEARS THROAT) 322 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,469 Right, you'll love this. 323 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:11,632 This anecdote has people on the floor at any function, any dinner party, 324 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,472 and if you think that's because they're drunk, think again, 325 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,518 because Richard E Grant loves this story, and he doesn't even drink so... 326 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,878 I'm on the set of GBH, I'm in my trailer, knock on the door, guess who it is? 327 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,155 - Go on, guess. - Mmm... 328 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,719 Alan Bleasdale. 329 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,633 - I don't know who that is. - Oh, fuck off! 330 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,351 Kid's a waste of space. 331 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,917 Oh, that was a nice surprise, wasn't it? 332 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,875 - Well, that was interesting. - Yeah. 333 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,069 - Do you want to go for a quick pint? - I can't tonight. 334 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,278 - Why? What you doing? - I am going to the Ivy restaurant. 335 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,637 You know Vernon Kay and Tess Daly? They invited me out for a meal. 336 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,394 - Why? - Just want to hang out with me. Yeah. 337 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,279 - Is there room for one more? - No, I think the four's made up. 338 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,273 - Who's the fourth? - Jamie Theakston, nutter! 339 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,475 I promised I'd come and visit the kid again next week, if you want to come again? 340 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,039 - Yeah, okay. - Yeah? Brilliant. 341 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,269 It's a date. 342 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,556 What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers? 343 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,074 He's mental enough sober. 344 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,798 (ANDY CHUCKLING) 345 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,595 - Yes? - Oh! You all right? 346 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,912 - Is he in? - Yes. 347 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,074 - Right. - Hiya! 348 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,710 I haven't got long, just want to find out what's going on with this De Niro thing. 349 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,189 What, did we have a meeting on? 350 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,638 'Cause I don't remember planning anything. 351 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,952 - Were you masturbating? - Was I what? 352 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,680 Were you masturbating when I came in? 353 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,313 Sort of, yeah. 354 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,558 - Don't tell anyone. - I'm not gonna tell anyone. 355 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,392 - No. - Why didn't you lock the door? 356 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,915 I should have locked the door, but I didn't think ahead. I just... 357 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,436 The moment took me and I just went, you know, crazy. 358 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,274 It wasn't anything weird. 359 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,034 - No, but just so you know it was... - No. 360 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:26,872 If you must know what it was, it was the lady on this pen. 361 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,234 I don't need to know. 362 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,392 It just looks like a regular lady, nice, attractive lady wearing a bathing costume, 363 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,471 but when you turn it up the other way, it comes off. 364 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,233 And then she's nude. 365 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,675 - Have you got my pen? - Yes, take your pen, please, for... 366 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:38,989 Were you having a wank? 367 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,833 I was trying to have a quick one, yes, but it's like Piccadilly Circus in here. 368 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,672 I didn't know. I just walked in and he was... 369 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,593 if it's anyone's fault, it's yours for leaving your erotic material lying around. 370 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,956 If you leave that stuff about, I'm only gonna do one thing, aren't I? 371 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,314 Why didn't you have one before you came out? 372 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,118 I did have one before I came out, thanks for asking, 373 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,157 but I'm a very sexual being if you must know, 374 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,959 -and I produce an ungodly amount of... - Fine. 375 00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,194 Thank you. 376 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,996 - This is what I'm talking about. - We haven't talked about this. 377 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,309 I didn't think I had to. 378 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,313 I didn't think I had to make a list of things that you shouldn't do at work, 379 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,471 one of them tossing off over a pen. 380 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:10,709 No. 381 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,596 Do you really think you're earning your twelve and a half percent 382 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,637 - by doing that sort of thing under the table? - No. 383 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,279 No. Nor do I. 384 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,597 So why am I paying you? 385 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,956 That's it. This is pathetic, really. 386 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,271 I gave you a chance to sort something out and you'd rather be doing that, 387 00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:29,680 - so let's call it quits. - No, no... 388 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,080 Look at that. 389 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,833 God almighty. 390 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,912 As far as I'm concerned, you're fired. 391 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,274 - That's it. - Well, if... 392 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:43,991 If you fire me then you won't know anything about the Robert De Niro meeting I've set up. 393 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,798 You got a meeting with Robert De Niro? 394 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,110 Yeah, next week. What are you doing next Monday? 395 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,679 What time? 396 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:50,955 - 6:00. - Where? 397 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,075 - At his hotel. - What hotel? 398 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,719 Dorchester hotel. 399 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,475 So, next Monday at 6:00 at The Dorchester, I'm meeting Robert De Niro. 400 00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,119 Brilliant, and if he doesn't turn up, you're fired then. 401 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,429 If he doesn't turn up, it's not my fault. 402 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,477 Well, no, you've arranged it, so it's win-win for me. 403 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,517 So either I turn up and he's there, I meet De Niro, 404 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:09,231 or I turn up and he's not there, and you're fired, and I get a proper agent. 405 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,520 Oh, for fuck's sake. 406 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,393 (PHONE RINGING) 407 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,198 - Hello? - Hi, you all right? 408 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,875 Oh, hi, yeah, I'm just on my way to the hospital. I'm taking Operation. 409 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,758 - I thought it seemed appropriate. - Yeah. 410 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,229 Look, I'm not gonna be able to make it later. 411 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,958 Oh, what do you mean? 412 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,556 - I've got a really important meeting. - What, at that exact time? 413 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,995 - Yeah, I couldn't... - And no other time was available? 414 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,515 - No, he couldn't do any other time. - Who? 415 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,432 Robert De Niro. 416 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,193 He couldn't do any other time? 417 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,954 Sorry, did you hear what I said? Robert De Niro wants a meeting. 418 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,351 - It's just it's the only time I ever see you. - I'll move it, shall I? 419 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,431 "Sorry, Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me, 420 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,397 "and you've been my hero all my life, 421 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,632 "but I meet up with Maggie at a very specific time every week. 422 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,040 "It can't be moved." 423 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:09,159 All right, I'm not having a go. I'm just disappointed, that's all. 424 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,835 Well, I can't move it, obviously not, it's really important. 425 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,638 Sorry, I'll see you next week. 426 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,393 - Okay. Bye. - Okay. 427 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,038 Knock, knock. 428 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,315 - Hello. - Hello. 429 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,152 - How are you? - Good. 430 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,631 Bit of bad news, I'm afraid. Andy can't make it. 431 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,475 He's got a really important meeting. So you're stuck with me. 432 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,279 But I've brought you this, look. Ta-da! 433 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,430 - All right? Even though I'm a girl? - Yeah, all right. 434 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,511 - No, it's okay. - Come on, then. 435 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,118 - You set it up. - Okay. 436 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,911 (MOBILE BEEPING) 437 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,198 (GAME BEEPS) 438 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,998 You're so rubbish. 439 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,356 I hope the surgeon working on me is better than you. 440 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,829 This is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here. 441 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,151 From what I've overheard, your tumour is massive. 442 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,556 So it'll be easy to get it out. 443 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:43,993 You know... 444 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:46,474 (CHUCKLING) 445 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,637 Very strange. I'm sure he'll be here in a second. 446 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,360 It's very unusual for him to be late. 447 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:17,073 Have you ever driven a taxi for real? 448 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,040 - No? - No. 449 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,552 (BEEPS) 450 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,516 I used to have that. 451 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,194 What are you doing here? Has the meeting happened already? 452 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,954 - I didn't go, I came here instead. - Why? 453 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,631 Well, you know, don't want to let people down. 454 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,917 - But that's madness. It's Robert De Niro. - I know. 455 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,718 - No, but that's madness! - What do you mean, it's madness? 456 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,199 - Because it's Robert De Niro. - I know it is. 457 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,839 This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. 458 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,991 I know, but I thought you were upset about being second best. 459 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:52,559 - That's why I came here. - Don't turn it round on me. 460 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,154 - I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. - I got a text from you going... 461 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,117 - Don't make me feel guilty. - Made me feel guilty. 462 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,793 - That was supposed to be nice. - I know. 463 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,518 - It was supposed to be encouraging. - And it was. 464 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,193 - If you go now... - Don't be stupid. 465 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,759 - Just get a taxi. - I don't believe this. 466 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,877 - I do not believe this. - It's Robert De Niro. 467 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:06,995 I know who it is. 468 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,878 Now I'm gonna feel guilty for the rest of my life. 469 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,394 Don't make me feel bad about you feeling guilty. 470 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,198 But what if your career goes down the pan? 471 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:13,714 - I wouldn't worry about it. - How am I gonna feel? 472 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,440 My career is already down the pan. Now it's my turn to operate. 473 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,796 (BEEPING) 474 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,234 He's dead. 475 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,515 You're a man of the world, you'll like this. 476 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,194 Right, it's just an ordinary pen, so it seems, 477 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:42,160 and with a picture of a lady on it just in a bathing costume, just normal. 478 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,993 Turn it upside down. Oh, what's happened there? 479 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:46,400 Nudie lady. 480 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,110 You looking at me? I am now. 481 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,235 - Oh. - (CHUCKLES) It's good, isn't it? 482 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,517 - Yeah. Where did you get this? - My friend, Barry, gave it to me. 483 00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,798 Look at that, back on, nothing suspicious, turn it up the other way. 484 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:03,471 Oh, hang on, hello! 485 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,799 - Can I have this? - Do you want it? Take it. 486 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,309 Do you want to go for a pint? 487 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,069 Hurry up. 488 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,470 - You're in a bad mood. - I'm not in a bad mood, but hurry up. 489 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:17,914 (GAME BEEPING) 490 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,594 - Dead. Dead. - Stop putting me off. 491 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:22,273 If you were hacking at him like that, he'd be dead. 492 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,873 (MOBILE RINGING) 493 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,031 Oh, it's Darren. What? 494 00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:30,273 Hello, mate, what happened to you? I'm still here with Mr Robert De Niro. 495 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,555 - You're with him now? - Yeah. 496 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,438 We're just cruising down to a club. Come down, mate. 497 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:35,796 Erm, could I bring Maggie? 498 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:37,874 He wants to bring his friend, is that all right? 499 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,236 DE NIRO: Who's that? DARREN: Friend of his, a lady. 500 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,039 DE NIRO: The lady on the pen? DARREN: I wish. 501 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,589 DE NIRO: Yeah, sure. DARREN: All systems go, mate. 502 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:49,230 - Hang on, what you doing after this? - Me? Nothing. 503 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,278 - Do you want to meet Robert De Niro? - Nah. 504 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,158 - Really? - I'm only joking. Yeah! 505 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:55,514 Okay, all right then. 506 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,796 We'll find somewhere, I'll text you the deeds. 507 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,076 - Okay. - See you later, mate. 508 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:01,673 See you there. 509 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,957 - Really? - Amazing. Let's go. 510 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,110 - Now? - Yeah. 511 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,793 - What about the game? - We can't just leave him. 512 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:10,872 We can. Just give him an extra couple of drops of morphine, he'll be out cold. 513 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,270 - No, I'm joking. Right, whose go is it? - You have a go. 514 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:14,794 Okay, okay. 515 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,078 What would you rather do, right? 516 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:24,673 - (GROANS) Oh. - No, listen. 517 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:30,233 Would you rather die a sad, lonely, bitter old man, in a cold and empty flat, 518 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:34,996 or if we're not with anyone in about five years' time, just move in together? 519 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,552 I know what you've tried to do there, 520 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,916 you've tried to make the first option sound the worst. 521 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,354 Why is it a cold flat? 522 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,876 'Cause you're too fat to get up and put the heating on! 523 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,553 What, I've got five years to decide, have I? 524 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,438 Why's it taking you so long to actually think of the answer? 525 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:52,036 I want to keep my options open. I don't want to commit. 526 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:54,990 Hi. 527 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:56,798 - He doesn't want to see you, Robert. - Yes, he does. 528 00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,951 He does, because I've brought DVDs of My Family. 529 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,236 - Come on, everyone likes this. - I don't. 530 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,631 - I prefer that edgier stuff on BBC Two. - What are you, a critic? 531 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,958 (TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING)