(man) Day seven. All the housemates are in the kitchen.
(all shouting)
- (man) Shut up! - (woman) For God's sake!
- (man) Shut up! - (man #2) Listen to me!
- Shut up! - You (bleep) shut up!
(audience laughter)
(recorder is played badly)
- (woman) Rita, what are you doing? - (Rita) Playing the recorder.
- (woman) Why? - It's the school's idea.
They say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child.
So I'm learning to play the recorder.
- (woman #1) What's your daughter doing? - Drinking gin,
- thinking about her failed marriage. - (audience laughter)
- (woman) Rita, you are a card. - Yeah. The joker.
- (audience) Aaahhh. - (plays recorder badly)
- Oh, it's no good. It's too difficult. - I used to play the recorder at school.
- Let me help you learn. - Oh, thank you, Brains.
Yes, Mr Yamaguchi. No, Mr Yamaguchi.
Can I just say, one more time, I am velly velly solly?
I mean, I'm very, very sorry. Yes, arseholes to you, too.
Ah so. Ah so to you, too. Goodbye.
Rita, just relax.
- Ohh? - (Rita) But it's so hard.
Oh!
- Just take it in your hand... - (excited grunt)
...and blow. - (growls)
- Don't suck. - (quizzical grunt)
- Oh, that's good. - (high-pitched muttering)
What the bloody hell's going on here? Oh.
Oh, sorry, Mr Stokes. I don't know when I'm blowing and when I'm sucking.
Ohh!
She's learning to play the recorder.
- What does it record? - Eh?
- What does it record? - Doesn't record anything.
Well, what's it called a recorder for, then? I don't get it.
(audience laughter)
Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
(audience laughs and cheers)
- Sometimes, Gobbler. - (woman) Raymond!
- Oh, my God. - What is it?
It can't be. It's only my bloody twin sister! Ohh!
(audience laughter)
- Hello, Raymond. - What are you doing here?
(sister) A young girl gets lonely.
(Ray) Maybe so, but what are you doing here?
(♪ Prokofiev's 'Troika' from "Lieutenant Kijé" suite)
- Mr Millman. - What?
Hello there. Sorry to bother you.
I saw you in here. My name's Richard. I'm the manager.
- You've got to help me. - Why?
- Would you mind signing a few of these? - What, now?
They're not moving.
If you sign ten, that's ten we've got more chance of selling.
I thought the public would lap this tat up,
but they're more discerning than I thought.
Even the Jade Goody doll's selling better than this.
(doll) Am I minging?
Shilpa Poppadom. Shilpa Fuckawalla.
It's cheap and ugly. I suppose that's the problem.
- Yeah, it is ugly. - (doll) Are you having a laugh?
Are you having a laugh?
Who'd have thought that would eventually be irritating?
Thing is, you've got to order these things, like, a year in advance.
- I won't make the same mistake again. - No.
I'll make my money back next Christmas.
- I've ordered 10,000 Scissor Sister dolls. - Well, you're laughing, then, aren't you?
What would you rather do, right?
Never celebrate Christmas, ever, or have Christmas every day?
If it's every day, what do I have to do?
Nothing. You just sit at home, watching the telly, having the day off.
No one works? There's no industry, no government? It's chaos.
- You'd rather never celebrate Christmas? - Yeah, if that was the choice.
You'd be Jewish. They don't celebrate it.
Why would I suddenly be Jewish?
Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Ready? - Yes.
- Look, it's Greg in a film. - We can't watch telly in the day.
No, wait. I want to see.
No man has the right to kill his brother. It's no excuse to do so in uniform.
It merely adds to the infamy of servitude for the crime of murder.
I love Clive Owen.
Clive. Good name for a film star.
If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business.
And let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver.
- Greg seems good in it. - That was a clip from...
It'll be a bit part.
... and Greg Lindley Jones, the two leads.
He's one of the leads.
- In a terrible film. - I thought the film was brilliant.
- He thought it was brilliant. - Oh, I can hear. What am I?
Clive, you're Byron, but, Greg, you play Shelley.
It's one of the most exciting breakthrough performances I've ever seen.
- Well, thank you very much. - How was it working with Clive Owen?
I hope you don't mind me saying this. He's such a down-to-earth guy. So real.
- (Clive) We had a good time, didn't we? - We had a great time.
I know a lot of people say it, but we really did get on well.
I can't believe you persuaded me to do these. They're not even selling.
It's so embarrassing! There'll be loads of them lying around in bargain bins. Tat.
They cut the price to shift a few.
But cos they're so cheap to manufacture, we still get 40p a time.
- Cos they're made in sweatshops. - Thank God for child exploitation.
The funny thing is, that's your key demographic, kids.
So even if they're doing a 14-hour day, they're having a whale of a time.
Hope it doesn't distract them. They'll be beaten.
- I don't want to hear this. - They work there cos they like it.
- I don't think they get a choice. - Henri Matisse once said:
"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work,
from illuminating the fog that surrounds us."
- What are you working on today? - Getting dog muck out of his shoe.
Next door's Great Dane. The stench is unbelievable.
I've seen them feeding it boiled eggs. It's mad.
I don't want to be associated with this sort of stuff.
To the public there's no difference between me and that.
- Little fat ugly thing? Pathetic? - No.
I put on... I put on a wig and shout a catchphrase.
- I want to do credible stuff. - We've had offers.
A part in the BBC's jewel in the crown - Doctor Who.
- No. - Uh... Hotel Babylon?
No, I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense.
- I want to do something classy. - Celebrity Big Brother phoned.
You're not listening. Not in a million years.
- What about films? - We did have a call.
- Heard about this Byron film? - Yeah.
They're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good.
It's about what it means to be a man. Honour, integrity.
- They wanted you for an audition. - Right.
- I said no, but I thought that... - You said no?
Well, they were asking for someone who was 36, handsome, dashing, tall...
- Always do the audition! - Look at you. I may as well send Barry!
Call and say you've got the perfect person.
- Who? - Me!
I don't want to waste their time.
Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get... It should be the other way round!
They'll think I don't know what I'm doing.
No one could think that, or that you shouldn't even be in the industry.
- Thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. - Get me the audition.
(woman) OK, that's a ten-minute break, everyone. Sandwiches are over here.
Actually, could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please?
Can you hold on?
- Are you Maggie? - Yes.
Andy wants to see you in his dressing room.
- What, now? - Yeah. Chop chop.
(knock on door)
- Hello, Mrs Millman. Is Andy in? - It's a face pack. Don't make me laugh.
- What's this for? - For a film role.
- For a film? Are you going for a film? - Yeah. Right. OK.
Help me out. Don't comment.
- Is that a girdle? - No. It just helps firm up the...
- Flab. - Right. Come on, then. Quick.
- Are you serious? Oh, my God. - Yeah. Come on.
- That's not gonna work. Oh, my God. - Jesus Christ! Course it is.
- Go on, then. Go. - (laughs)
Don't make me laugh. Don't make me laugh.
Go on, then. Oh. Go on. Go.
- Oh, my God. - Where do your organs go?
Do they get closer together, or am I going to cough up a kidney in the audition?
...sort of natural. - He was. But he wasn't as good as...
- But they're both... - Andy, hi. Take a seat.
- Andrew Millman. - Greg.
- You're looking good. - Been working out, innit?
Sorry, must declare an interest. Me and Andy are very old friends.
We've been climbing the slippery show biz ladder together.
Some of us got a little further than others.
Anyway, I won't be biased.
- Which role are you here for? - Henry Milligan.
Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "age 36".
Yeah. I took that as being in mid-to-late 30s.
We'll change it to late 30s.
Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "late 30s".
Shall we do one? Yeah?
- Do you want to stand up? - Yep. Easy.
- All right? - Yeah. All right. Thanks.
Ah, Henry Milligan. Allow me to introduce myself.
- Your reputation precedes you, sir. - (girdle rips)
(sighs)
Sorry. Can we stop there? Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff.
Can we just rewind that and see what happened? Did everyone see that?
- Your reputation precedes you, sir. - (girdle rips)
Look at his belly. Andy, has your diaphragm just collapsed?
Oh, dear. He seems to have scuttled off.
(Maggie on answerphone) Leave a message and I'll get back to you.
(beep)
(Andy) Hi, it's me. Do you fancy some lunch? At the lvy. I'll pay.
I can tell you all about my brilliant audition.
All right. Give us a call back. Cheers. Bye.
- Andy Millman! - All right, Bunny.
- What you doing? - Waiting.
Waiting? For what?
- Cock. - Yeah. It's never too early for that, is it?
- Don't you know about this area? - I've just moved in.
This area's famous for it. I'm here all the time.
This is known as the "waiting bench". (sings theme from "The Twilight Zone")
- Oh, by the way, loving the show. - Cheers.
"Are you having a laugh?"
Keep walking. Keep walking!
- She'll never get anything in the daylight. - Hello, Bunny.
Oh! Hi, George.
- Any action? - No.
I've only got 20 minutes. I'm on my lunch break.
- Lunch break? - Yeah, I'm doing community service.
Are you still doing that?
Not that one. I'm doing another one. I'm picking up litter.
Oh, right. What did you do wrong this time?
- Fly-tipping, believe it or not. - Right.
Yeah. I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer.
She said, "Shall I call the council?"
I said, "No, don't bother. There's a skip at the end of my street."
So 2:30 in the morning, we're tipping it in there and the fucking police show up.
How did they get involved?
Well, it was Stewart Copeland's skip, and, uh, he called Sting.
Sting called the fucking council, cos he's a fucking do-gooder.
Now me and Annie are picking up litter.
I'd better get going, cos I'm gonna have to get back to work soon.
- Come on. I'll give you a quickie. - Oi! I'm not that desperate, matey.
- Cheeky bastard! - Will you look out for paparazzi?
- I'm gonna go and try over there. - Love to.
- Cheers. - (Bunny) Cheers.
I've had him before, you know.
In his car.
Wasn't that a bit cramped?
And he was swerving all over the road.
Look, keep an eye out for me as well, will you?
That old queen can't have got too far.
Hello!
- Andy Millman. - I don't know what this bench is for.
- What did you say? - Why you sitting there?
(stutters) Live across the road and just fancied a sit down...
- Why not sit in your garden? - No bench.
If you want to sit in the garden, you'll be on the grass.
Why you sitting on the queer bench?
- Seen George Michael? - Strange question.
My editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent.
All I've got is you sitting on a queer bench, so...
- I'm not involved, so... - I know he's been here.
- How do you know? - A joint...
and a kebab.
Apart from that, I've had a leaked memo from his office.
"9am, community service. Lunch, cruising Hampstead Heath."
"5pm, go on Richard & Judy to defend his actions about something."
"7 pm, record Catherine Tate Christmas Special."
- He's doing that? He's in the bushes. - Thank you.
My pleasure.
- Thank you very much. Cheers. - Love the show.
- Andy! - Cheers. Thanks very much.
Hi. We haven't booked. Do you have a table for two?
- Oh, you have to book, I'm afraid. - Look, can't you just squeeze us in?
- We won't have a starter. - I'm sorry. There's nothing.
- Or a pudding. - We'll be 20 minutes, in and out.
- I'm sorry. - You don't, er...
- We are... - The Management.
I'm the manager.
No, we used to do these characters called the Management.
- "The Stonk". - "The Stonk"? Is that a restaurant?
No, it's a song we did.
There's nothing available. But you can book up to three months in advance.
We don't know where we'll be in three months.
We might not be alive in three months.
What would you rather do - be on the Planet of the Apes, but you're a human,
but you can't speak, or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak?
- Do I know I'm a monkey? - Mr Millman. Hello.
- We haven't booked. - No problem. I can squeeze you in.
Oh, thank you. Cheers.
- It's them. What's their name again? - Hale and Pace.
- Hale. And Pace. - Like Ant and Dec.
- Without their money. - They throw money at performers now.
- We should have invested more wisely. - Can we not do this in public?
- It was your idea to buy the racehorse. - It was your idea to ride it.
- You couldn't help us get in, could you? - I, erm... I... Er...
I don't think there's... Got some... Nice to meet you.
Cheers.
Look, look. There's... What's her name?
- Jade Jagger. - That's it.
- What does she do? - Fashion. Something.
Jade Jagger.
How do you think she got her big break?
- I wonder. - What does Sadie Frost do?
- She's friends with people. - That's a job?
- It is, yeah. - Not the sausages.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Right, OK.
Don't look. Don't look yet. Woman over there.
An amazing face, OK? Red top.
I want you to turn and look at her, and I'll say her name.
Three, two, one. Elmer Fudd.
The only woman I have ever seen with a comb-over.
Hi. Sorry to bother you. My name's Tre Cooper.
I represent Greg Lindley Jones. You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you?
Oh, yeah. I wasn't right for that.
There are a lot of film people out there mentioning your name,
- and a lot of roles you would be right for. - Really?
I also heard you're not entirely happy with your show.
- It's not how I wanted it to be. - Really?
I think you should be on top of the world. What does it get? Seven million viewers?
- Six. - Six.
Seven million viewers watch your show every week, because they respond to you.
And the reviews - don't listen to the reviews.
No one's talking about reviews. They're talking about your sitcom.
There'll always be people who don't like what you do.
- Oh, yeah. - So what?
If someone shouts, "You're a wanker," you go, "Look at my sports car."
And if they shout, "You're still a tosser,"
go, "Really? How many catchphrases have you come up with? None."
And if they're still shouting, you just drive away.
- I would. - Drive to the bank. Laughing.
- Who's your agent? - Darren Lamb.
I've never heard of him. I've been in the business 15 years.
- Where'd he come from? - Bristol.
- Which company? - He's never worked for a company.
Yeah, he has. He worked part time at the Carphone Warehouse.
- Look, I don't know the guy... - Why would you? You're in the business.
I don't want to disrespect him, but, erm, business is business.
If there's any dead wood in your organisation, you have to get rid of it.
It may seem harsh, but life's cruel.
No one's going to help your career but you.
I'm an extra. I love Clive Owen. Can I get a part in that Byron film?
- What... - It's all right. She's hustling.
Well done. Consider it done.
My card. And, seriously, if I can be of any help, call me and we'll sit down.
Sorry for interrupting your meal.
Oh! Catch of the day, Dover sole - it is superb.
- Have a great lunch. - Cheers.
Wahey!
Oh, Elmer's looking over.
Hello. Hello. Hiya.
I recommend the wabbit... the rabbit. Well, she doesn't know, does she?
- How the hell did you do that? - I don't know. They get stuck.
That's stuck fast. If I... That's gonna break.
- Don't break it. - I'll pull it up over your head, yeah?
You ready? You just pull back, all right?
OK, go! Just pull, Darren!
- What about my head, brainiac? - I can't help if you don't pull back!
I am pulling back. What exactly is your plan?
What are you actually intending to do now?
- (Barry) Just you pull back. - You learnt nothing in Fame Academy.
Power is not everything. Sometimes you need to be subtle.
You can't sing everything like it's bloody "Mustang Sally".
OK, Clive.
You. Over here. Please. Quickly. Quick sharp. Yeah.
OK, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute.
As he leaves in the morning, I thought you could just turn,
throw the money on the floor with contempt,
then say, "Thank you for your hospitality."
- I'm not very happy with this. - It's a little bit aggressive, but...
No, this one being the prostitute.
I wouldn't pay for that.
- Right. - There's got to be a better one.
Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs. This is the best one.
Really? Jesus.
I don't want to be difficult, but I would never pay for a prostitute like that.
What if she wasn't a prostitute? What if she was just a slut, so it was free?
- Yeah, I still could do better, though. - Hm.
OK, what if she is a prostitute, but you just refuse to pay?
You don't throw money on the floor, you throw food, and make her eat it like a dog.
I wouldn't throw the food on the floor, I'd throw it in her face.
OK, what food would you throw? I've got to get Props onto that.
It should be some kind of gruel, as if I found some oats on the stable floor.
Mix it with some shit, and, like, wet cabbage.
What would be great is when it plaps into her face,
- it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat. - OK.
No, I like that. OK, can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together?
- Make sure it sticks to the face. - It will.
Let's try that, then, please, yeah?
- Excuse me. - Mm?
I'm not happy with that.
- Sorry? - I'm not happy with that.
- I don't want the dung on my face. - (woman) You get extra money.
Don't care. Not bothered. I just don't want to do it, full stop.
Right, OK. You either do it, or you go home.
- OK. - OK. Right...
See you, then.
Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance.
Got to get another one. OK, you. Over here, please. Yeah.
Oh, fuck off! I'm Clive Owen. That's mental!
- I don't know who did your contracts... - I did.
...but the BBC are taking the proverbial.
Seriously, the money you're getting for the show, it's an insult.
We'll get this sorted for the next series.
Not another series. I've been thinking of knocking it on the head.
But with the right management, there's a lot of money...
I don't care. I want to do bigger and better stuff.
Britain's number one catchphrase. Is there an Oscar for that? No.
They are thinking of introducing a British Comedy Award for it.
Of course they are. Look, I want to hold my head up.
To me, saying you've got Britain's number one catchphrase
is like saying you've got Britain's number one wasting disease.
But you're not number one any more.
- I'm not? - You're not number one any more.
Good. To be totally... Who's number one?
- Oh, er, it's "Am I bovvered?" - What, am I number two or something?
Number two is, "You are the weakest link."
Number three is, "Are you having a laugh?"
In at number three. It changes, depending what survey you're doing.
- What survey's that? - A survey of 8-11 year olds.
If they want catchphrases, I'll give them catchphrases.
- I don't get it! - Is he having a laugh?
- I need a man! - Join the queue!
- Ooh! - Ooh, bugger me!
He's out and about!
(audience laughs and applauds)
♪ Christmas time
♪ Mistletoe and wine
♪ Children singing Christian rhyme
(both) ♪ With logs on the fire
♪ And gifts 'neath the tree
- Any messages, mate? - Yeah, a couple. BT called.
- British Telecom? - Oh, yeah!
- What for? - Are you happy with the service?
- Very happy. - They wanted to talk to you specifically.
They would do, cos my name's on the bill.
You could have free evening and weekend calls.
Could I? Do they want me to call back?
- They'll call back. - I don't mind calling them.
I said you'd be back at two. It's ten to now, so just wait.
I'll wait till just after two, then give them a bell.
- It's an 0800 number, so... - Free.
- Anything else? Any... - Yes. Andy's new agent called.
Andy's fired you, so you're no longer to have any dealings with him whatsoever.
Sorry, I was thinking about the free calls.
Andy Millman. He's fired you.
- What do you mean? - You're no longer his agent.
- Why did you tell me the BT stuff first? - I'm doing it in chronological order.
I was all excited about BT. Now I'm depressed.
Look, if I'd have said, "Number one, Andy's fired you, number two, BT rang,"
the good news would have been soured by the bad news anyway.
He's fired me?
Let me ask you this. Where do you want to be in five years' time?
Sat at home in my mansion, watching my butler polish my Oscar.
- Erm... - Thinking big. Nothing wrong with that.
- But, first things first. Excuse me. - (phone rings)
- Yeah? - (woman) Richard Curtis for you.
- Does he want to talk about Africa again? - I think so.
Tell him to donate profits from The Vicar of Dibley.
- They'll be eating like Dawn in no time. - Harsh.
Life's cruel. Listen, tell him you can't get hold of me. Tell him I'm snowboarding.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
We need to boost your profile. Success is all about getting your face seen.
Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of C-list. Top of the C-list.
I'm going to get you on top of the A-list. Now, I can't do that overnight.
We can get you to the top of the B-list by having you seen out and about.
Movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that.
- You're single, aren't you? - Yeah.
Good. What I want you to do
is be seen coming out of clubs with some newsworthy trollops.
Have you shagged any of those tabloid beauties?
- No. - Not even her?
- No. - She's had everyone.
- Not me. - What have you been doing?
She's got a cancellation. We'll set something up.
- No, I don't want to do it that way. - Do you want to get on the B-list or not?
Yeah, but not the hepatitis B list.
Right. OK, that's not a problem. I've got some contacts at the broadsheets.
Paula. Can you get me Emily Whitford at the Guardian, please?
(♪ "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush)
- So, what do you do? - I was a film extra.
- Oh. Glamorous. - It's not really.
I'm not doing it any more. It's too depressing.
I'm too old to be at the bottom, being told what to do,
scrabbling about in the dirt for a few quid an hour.
- What do you do now? - I'm a cleaner.
I scrabble about in the dirt for a few quid an hour.
OK. So, here's the place.
Here we go.
Carpets.
- Spider? - Yep. Won't be bothering you any more.
No. Are you just gonna leave it there?
- If you want. - No, I don't. Not particularly.
Fine. Well, that'll all be professionally cleaned. Scraped off.
- Where's the bedroom? - It's all in here.
- What, this is it? - Tiny little kitchen over here.
And there is the lavatory.
Everything you need. You'd never have to leave.
If the worst comes to the worst, if you were bedridden with a spinal injury,
then it's all here, should that happen.
Where do I sleep?
Look at that. Now, that's good, isn't it? That's like James Bond or something.
From Russia with Love? No, erm... Live and Let Die.
I can't put anything underneath that, can I?
Of course. Coffee table. Move it before you go to bed.
- What, every single night? - A chimpanzee makes a nest every night.
I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee.
Well, this is the only place in your price range, really.
- What's the area like, then? - OK, I'm going to be honest with you.
There is a large black and Asian community.
There's some Chinese, and it does get very Araby towards the high street.
No, what is it like in terms of amenities? Is there a supermarket?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Supermarkets, yes.
There's loads of lovely different shops around here. It's very cosmopolitan.
- Do you like Chinese food? Asian food? - Yes.
Good for halal meats. Do you like jerk chicken just like Mama used to make?
There's one of those. Erm... in fact, you can probably see it from the window.
Yep. There it is.
(door bell)
- We said three o'clock. - Sorry. I've been looking at flats.
- I'm gonna have to downsize. - I'm about to do an interview.
Weekend Guardian, good publicity, "man behind the silly wig" and all that.
- Once she gets here, open the door. - No! Why me?
- Say you're my PA. - Oh, no!
Give the illusion of success.
Then when we're in there, come in and go, "Andy, sorry."
- "Ridley Scott's on the phone." - Who?
- Ridley Scott. - Who's that?
Director. Gladiator, Blade Runner...
- When's he gonna call? - He's not really gonna call.
- No. - You say he's on the phone,
and then she'll think I'm a player. That's her. Right. OK.
Answer the door, and just look a bit secretarial. Just...
(door bell)
- (Maggie) Hello. - (woman) Hi.
(Maggie) If you'd like to come this way.
- (woman) Andy. - Hi.
Wha...
(mouths)
Thank you, Mr Millman.
Thanks for doing this.
(deep voice) My pleasure. Welcome to my humble abode.
- You don't talk like I thought you would. - You've probably seen me in character.
No, I've seen you on chat shows.
But there's Andy the writer, Andy the actor, Andy the charity worker.
- What's that? - (normal voice) Slash.
That's how I thought you talked.
- How do you want me to talk? - Like you're at home.
- I am at home. - Just speak like that, then.
Tone it down. OK, come on.
So, you mentioned your charity work. What charities are you involved with?
Africa. The main one that people care about, innit?
You're not going to release an awful comedy single, are you?
- Just so you can boost your profile? - Not just so I can boost my profile.
- So you are releasing a comedy single. - It's not... It's me as Ray.
I'm doing a cover of "9 to 5".
And it's a fun video, cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it.
We've got, er, Craig Charles, Sam Fox, Jade Goody's mum.
- God! Bunch of saddos. - Well, the good ones didn't want to do it.
We had to use lookalikes for some of them. They'll be sorry.
When it gets to number one.
So let's not slag it off before it saves some Ethiopians.
- You in a hurry? - Sorry. I've got another interview to get to.
- I'm a little nervous. - What, about meeting me?
- God, no. Have you see the Byron film? - Yep.
- I'm interviewing Greg Lindley Jones. - Why you nervous about that?
He's got such a sort of brooding intensity. He's like a young Russell Crowe.
Aahhh, he's more like a young Russell Grant.
Not slagging him off, but let's not...
- The phone call's just come in. - Oh, who is it?
- Is it Wiggly Scott? - Ridley Scott.
The, erm, award-winning director of Gladiator and Blade Runner.
What does he want? Cheers. Sorry about this.
Hey, Ridley. I can't talk now. I'm with a journo.
- Say hello from me. - What?
We know each other from Cannes. Say hello from me. Emily Whitford.
- Emily Whitford. - What's he saying?
- Nothing. - Ask him how his ankle is. He'll laugh.
Will he?
- How's your ankle? - Is he laughing?
- Sort of. - Let me speak to him.
- What? - Let her speak to him.
- Let me speak to him. - Hold on. All right.
OK. Oh, what's he done? Hung up? Why has he done that?
Sorry about that. Cheers.
- Can I ask you a few questions? - I'm not very good at general knowledge.
- No, about working for Andy. - Probably not a good idea.
- Also, if you're in a hurry... That was... - So how long have you worked for Andy?
- Three hours. - No. Think.
- No. - What's she talking about?
- Just be honest. Go on. - Three... ears.
No. Three years. That makes more sense.
- Certainly. - And what's he like as a boss?
- A wanker. - No. No, she didn't mean that.
Listen. Listen. Listen to her.
- He plays darts all the time. - I love darts.
I don't know why. I just... I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow.
- Is she actually your PA? - Is she?
- Is she actually your PA? - Who?
That lady there. Is she actually your PA?
I don't know what you mean by "actually".
- Do you employ her? - "Employment" is a strong term.
- Strong in what sense? - It's a bit weird to ask about a PA.
It's just clarification, really.
You've heard her say she's my PA, so what do you assess the situation to be?
- I get the impression she's not your PA. - Opposite impression I'd want.
- Did Ridley Scott actually phone you? - Are you calling her a liar?
So he'll remember phoning you, if I speak to him?
- What's his memory like? - You spoke to him earlier.
Yeah. Couldn't hear him.
- You were relaying my messages to him. - Yes. Well done.
And I'm saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word.
Could you just answer the question? Is she your PA?
(sighs)
(laughs weakly) No, it's a joke.
Course she's pretending. It's a wind-up.
- We always do it to journalists. - You always do it?
What do you mean by "always"?
- Do you need a PA in real life, Andy? - No.
Cos I could do with the money.
- Shall I pack that? - Yep. May as well.
Bought that as a gift for Andy. Didn't want it.
Wasn't interested. Should have known something was brewing.
- How about these? - Nothing in 'em.
Just put 'em up there cos the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.
- Kids can be cruel, eh? - Yeah, they can.
- What did they say? - You know.
- What, "lanky four-eyed twat"? - Yeah.
- "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp"? - Sometimes.
- "Frankenstein's albino gonk"? - I've never heard that one.
It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you. Just easy pickings.
"Sheep shagger", sometimes.
- "Sheep shagger" is Welsh. - No, it can be Bristol.
- Bristol is inbreeding. - Sheep-shagging, inbreeding, slavery.
- Famous for loads of stuff down there. - Oh, right.
- Bar? - Yeah?
I could do with a hug, mate.
Yeah.
- Queers! - Ignore him.
Yeah. Show me the money.
When the Whistle Blows. BBC want a Christmas special.
- No. - No?
- I don't want to do it. - You'd be mad to say no.
I don't care. That's it. I want to do a Hollywood film or cool TV,
- American TV. - We've got cool TV over here.
- Go on. - I've had offers.
- Want to be an alien in Doctor Who? - No.
They've offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon.
What part of "cool" don't you understand?
- All right, well, we've had a movie offer. - Right.
British film. No, listen. It's a comedy, starring Neil Morrissey -
as a randy delivery man who looks like the prime minister.
- Neil will be playing both parts. - Get me a Hollywood film.
Andy, I don't think Martin Scorsese's gonna be sitting in his London hotel room,
flicking through the TV channels, going, "Never seen this bloke before."
- "I've got a wig that'll fit him." - Why say that?
- You have chosen a very specific path. - And I want to get off it.
If it takes that to get respect, I'll finish it.
I don't want to come up with more characters with catchphrases
to enhance my reputation amongst kids and morons.
I want to do something credible. I might want to direct one day. I need respect.
- So I'm finishing the sitcom. - That's killing a cash cow.
I'm ending the sitcom. There you go. Done.
You could do that.
Or you could think, "People are still watching. Let's milk it."
People keep watching it. Let's keep giving it to them.
They've seen it all before. Everything. Every sketch slightly rewritten.
Every catch... They've heard every catchphrase shouted a thousand times.
Yes. But... have they seen an episode set in Spain?
(♪ flamenco guitar)
That's great. Thanks.
Excuse me. Andy, sorry to bother you.
I'm an extra, but I'm an actor, really.
I know you've been in my position, and I was wondering, if there's a few lines,
I'd appreciate the opportunity.
I'm not involved with casting. What's your name?
- Phil. - I'll have a word with the floor manager.
- Thanks a lot. Sorry to bother you. - It's all right.
- Why are the extras coming up to me? - Sorry?
Why are the extras bothering me? Why aren't they in their paddock?
They look up to you cos you were in their boat a while ago.
So shall I sit with them and reminisce about old times?
Or shall I get on with my job that pays their wages and yours?
- Sorry. I didn't realise. - OK.
- I'll, er... I'll tell him not to do it again. - He won't do it again. He won't be here.
- OK. - Yeah?
(Phil) What? What do you mean?
Hey, my man. Hello there. Darren Lamb.
I'm here to see Andy Millman, When the Wind Blows.
- Whistle. - If I could just...
- Do you have a pass? - No. I'm a friend of his. I'll just go in.
- I can't let anyone in without a pass. - No?
We are friends, but we've had a bit of a falling out.
I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could...
- I can't help you. Sorry, sir. - All right.
Thanks a lot.
Aargh! Crikey!
- What's happened? - I think we both know what's happened.
I've tried to jump over the barrier, and that hasn't really pan out as I'd hoped.
And so if you just let me free, I'll just go home and say nothing more about it.
- That sounds like a plan, doesn't it? - What are you doing?
Mate, I know this woman. They won't let me in.
- Have you not got a pass? - No. I was just trying to see Andy.
Every time I phone him, it's always on voicemail.
- Could she walk me in? - Not without a pass.
- It's all about the pass with you. - Can I get him a pass?
- Yeah, why not. - I'll get a pass from Andy. Wait there.
Cheers.
Ooh, there you are. I've just seen Darren out there, and he says he can't get in.
- Why are you telling me? - He says your phone's switched off.
No, it's not. I just don't answer when I see it's him.
Can we get him a pass and he can sit at the back?
- I don't want him in here. - But I told him I would get him in.
Well, you lied.
- He says he really wants to see you. - Life's cruel.
So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in?
And, Maggie.
- You can't keep coming up to me. - I can't what?
Not in front of the extras.
They see you, they go, "She's an extra. She's his equal, maybe we are."
- I'm not an extra. - No, you were.
So were you.
I'm a little bit busy.
- All right? - Yeah. Er, Andy can't get you a pass.
He said he's really sorry, and that he would love to have you in there,
but he just can't bend the rules.
Fire regulations or something.
Makes sense. I imagine the regulations are quite strict at the BBC.
- Yeah. - All right. Well, thanks for trying.
It's OK.
- Nice to see you again. - You, too.
Bye.
(♪ "When the Whistle Blows" theme)
Ooh. Oh, it's good to be back. But what a perfect holiday.
- Everything has worked out brilliantly. - It certainly has.
I'm getting married to the man of my dreams.
I got that promotion I wanted.
And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey, he's not been the same.
Indeed not. As Confucius once said:
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom."
I don't get it!
Brains is much happier now that he's out of the closet.
Oh, I am. In fact, last night, I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man.
He took me to a seafood restaurant, fed me my favourite meal.
- Fish stew? - No, he certainly did not!
- It was our first date! - I didn't mean, "Did he fi..." I meant...
Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
(audience laughter)
- Now he gets it. - I get it.
- I'm getting it. - We're all getting it!
(audience laughter)
Merry Christmas, everyone!
(wild applause)
Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you. - (woman) We love you!
- Thank you. - (man) "Are you having a laugh?"
Well, I'm not, actually, which is why this'll be the last ever episode.
Yeah, I, er... Well, I'll never have to wear this stupid wig again.
Oh... Erm...
Truth be told, it's gone on for far too long.
- I think three series is enough for anyone. - (man) "I don't get it!"
- Not enough for some people. - (man) Why you stopping the show?
Because it's not what I wanted to do, you know, with my life.
Shout a catchphrase to a load of morons for a living. No...
Well, don't...
Er... Merry Christmas.
- Thank you. - What?
You've just announced to the audience that you're quitting the show,
- without consulting us. - It's nothing to do with you.
- What do you mean? - If I want to stop it, that's it.
It's the lack of professionalism. It's the arrogance.
Whoa! When I first got into this, you were the great "I am", holding me to ransom.
- Now you don't like it. - No.
If I want to stop, I'll stop. I want to do other stuff. I want to move on.
You stay here. Scrabble around, chasing ratings.
- I want to do something else. - Interesting way of looking at it.
- After everything we've done for you! - Oh! Life's cruel.
Yes, it can be. Good luck.
You've got lots of things lined up, have you?
Don't worry about me. Phone won't stop ringing.
Tre Cooper, please. Andy Millman.
Yeah, good. Right, listen to this. "What's hot: Greg Lindley Jones,
who charmed the nation on Desert Island Discs,
with a stream of hilarious anecdotes that recalled Peter Ustinov at his best."
"What's not: Andy Millman. 'Are we having a laugh?"'
"For about five minutes we were, but his Christmas special hit a low."
"The jokes were filthier than Mrs Slocombe's pussy,
and with no new projects,
Millman is becoming as out of date as his gags."
You're meant to get me some work. I quit the show three weeks ago.
Excuse me. Is it OK if I go? It's nearly half past.
- (man) OK. See you tomorrow. - Thanks.
- Hi. - Where you been? You're late.
Sorry.
- Look at this. Worst table. - I'm just happy to be sitting down.
Oh, look. It's your friend, Vernon Kay.
- Vernon! - Hey, Danny Millman.
- Andy. - See you later.
If he's forgetting my name, how the hell is he gonna read an autocue?
Look at this. Guardian stitched me up.
"There's a whiff of desperation about Andy Millman."
"Our interview was more bizarre than When the Whistle Blows."
"Every answer sounded like a press release,
full of boasts, hyperbole and the occasional barefaced lie."
"He seemed desperate for the headline to be:
'All's well in the Millman camp - next stop, Hollywood."'
- Oh, this is gonna be a fun lunch, then. - Huh?
We never seem to have a laugh any more.
When you had nothing and we were extras, we had more of a laugh.
No, we didn't. I hated it. It was shit.
Oh. OK.
- I was always moaning. - You're always moaning now.
You moan about the Ray dolls, but they did buy your house.
You moan about the sitcom. It gets six million viewers, but the wrong six million.
At least it gets six million viewers.
At least you've accomplished something, even if it's not exactly what you wanted.
I've accomplished nothing. I have brought nothing to the world.
Look at that. Harold Pinter and his wife. Having lunch with Geri Halliwell.
Why am I not over there?
- Don't know. Do you like Geri Halliwell? - No, not...
No. Why am I not having lunch with Harold Pinter and his wife?
- Well, I'm sorry you're stuck at this table. - Huh?
I'm not sure you should even come here. This place just seems to annoy you.
You're always saying he's got an acting part you wanted,
or he's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it.
If you worry about things like that, you're never gonna be happy.
No matter how successful you are, you'll never be famous enough.
Thank you, Dr Freud. Next conversation.
What would you rather be -
a penguin that can't fly, but it swims in the water like a fish, but it is a bird,
or a flying fish that can fly, but it is essentially still...
Oh, Maggie, I can't do these stupid questions any more. Seriously.
We're grown-ups.
Ah, Andy Millman.
You probably want to turn to page 17. A perceptive interview with yours truly.
- It says, "Next stop, Hollywood." - I've seen it. Nice photo.
Thank you. Yes, apparently, I have a brooding intensity, so, er...
Anyway, I'll love you and leave you.
Don't let him have a pudding. Don't want him bursting out all over the place.
Cheers.
- Want me to sign that? - No, you're all right, mate. Cheers.
There's no one else in there. Well, you'll never get it filled, will you?
- All right? - How you doing?
Just getting lunch. Filet-o-Fish.
- Right. Yeah. - Tasty. Good for you, ain't it, fish?
You're meant to have two portions a week.
It's got fatty acids, which are very good for you, apparently, and omega...
- It's good. - So...
- You all right? - Good.
- Excellent. - Better crack on.
- It's quarter past two. - You're not the boss of me.
He's not the boss.
- You all right, Andy? - You all right?
- You were due back 15 minutes ago. - Keep your hair transplant on.
- See you later. - See you later.
- You all right? - Yeah. Good.
- No hard feelings, you know? - No, sure.
- I needed someone to further my career. - He wasn't the best agent in the world.
- But he was loyal. And he tries hard. - Yeah, yeah.
Be careful, mate. Fame is a mask that eats into the face.
Barry, can you stop nattering? Dean's got a question.
Did you tell someone the Nokia 8600 came with...
Oh, hello, mate. "Are you having a laugh?"
- You always used to go on about him. - I didn't mention him, really.
- See you later. - Yeah.
- Were you really his agent once? - Yes.
- I need a new agent. - Why?
- I'm working in Carphone Warehouse. - Oh, right, yeah.
(♪ "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush)
I quit the show five months ago. I'm sat here like a lemon.
You're not getting me anything.
No, I told you a thousand times. I'm not gonna play an alien in Doctor Who!
- Don't do it, Schlong. - You leave me no alternative, Doctor.
(gurgling)
Aagh!
- What's happening to us? - He's hyperpodulating.
He's using his molluscian glang valves to internally vibrulate our DNA.
- What does that mean? - We'll turn into slugs in about 30 seconds.
- Unless I can reach that sodium chloride. - Oh! What's sodium chloride?
You probably know it... as table salt!
(groaning and gurgling)
(mumbles)
Tre Cooper.
Andy Millman.
Ah, OK. Do you know where he is?
Andy Millman. Tell him to call me. Cheers.
It's Andy Millman again.
Can you get him to call me, please?
I've been calling him every day for two weeks. He's never there. Where is he?
Snowboarding?
No. I told him. I don't want to do Hotel Babylon.
No, I'll tell you what. I am gonna see him today.
Because he's my agent, and he takes 12½½½% % % of my wages, OK?
Right. Yeah, and if he really is at lunch, where is he? Please tell me where he is.
Thank you.
You've made a very wise and informed decision, if I may say so.
Good little phone. Fun ring tone on here. I've got the same one.
('60s-style ring tone)
You can see that would be enjoyable with your friends. Just pop your card in there.
- Enter PIN. - Don't let him see your number.
Libellous. Just let it phone its girlfriend. (hums)
That should be it. Extract.
Deano, a Motorola accessory pack, s'il vous plaît.
Sure, Shauny.
- There she blows. - I thank you.
- Thank you very much. - Enjoy.
- Nice lady. - Yeah.
All right? How's it going? Do you need a phone or something?
No.
I need some work, really. Any jobs going?
Erm, not really, no. I mean, aside from the intensive training needed,
we are a bit overstaffed.
There would only be a vacancy if one of them got an acting job.
- Or if one of us dies. - That is more likely.
- Statistically, yes. - So, no room at the... at the inn.
Are you all right?
Dean, tissues.
Don't worry.
- I'm sure something will turn up. - It's not about the job.
It's everything, really.
I just wasted my life.
I haven't done anything. I haven't seen anything. I haven't been anywhere.
I've never even left the country. I haven't even been abroad.
I just live on my own in one room with no money,
and I can't even get a job with the Carphone Warehouse.
- That's not true. - It is true.
It's true of this branch, but there are other branches.
Particularly ones in rough areas. They're desperate for staff.
The ones they've got are assaulted or stabbed.
- Sometimes in the face. - (phone rings)
Sorry.
- (Andy) Hi. Where are you? - Erm... no-nowhere.
Can you meet me in the lvy, ASAP? I'm trying to track down my agent.
At least I knew where Darren was.
- Why do you need me there? - It's the lvy. I don't want to go by myself.
- Can you meet me or not? - Erm, OK.
- Good. See you later. - Mm-hm.
I have to go. Thanks for your help.
- I've had a piece of that. - Have you?
- He's a bit of a player. - It was one date.
- All right! - One date's enough.
- You know it. - Nothing happened.
- How do you know? - You blocked the toilet up and she left.
That was for your ears only. And now you've told Gaffney.
Gaffney will tell Dirty Den, Den will tell Little Mo, and it's all round Albert Square.
- Thank you very much. - ('60s-style ring tone)
That's my mum. She's ill.
Mum. Hel... She's gone.
- You all right? - I'm having a bit of a nightmare.
Tell me about it. I've had to do Doctor Who,
Hotel Babylon, just to keep my profile up.
He wants me to do Robin Hood. I can't reach him.
- You've had it tough. - Nightmare.
Apart from all the TV work, you're doing all right.
- Yes, sir. - Hi. We haven't booked.
- We're very busy today, sir. - Andy Millman. I, er...
Yes. You should have booked ahead, really.
- It's usually all right. - I'm sorry.
- Andy Millman. - Hey. All right?
Very all right. Byron number one, UK box office.
- Number two in the USA. - Ooh, unlucky.
Off round Europe next week, bit of a jolly. Promote the old film, so...
- What about you? - Great.
- You got lots on? - Mental. I was just saying... Yeah.
I saw you as a slug in Doctor Who. Very convincing.
Space serpent. What's our agent like? I can't get hold of him.
- Has he gone AWOL? - I hope not. I'm having lunch with him.
- Just goes straight to voicemail. - Tre! Yeah.
- You're here? I'm outside. - There's something wrong with this.
- See you later. - See you. Something wrong.
Signal... It's girders is it, on this? Sometimes it...
Weird how things pan out. He's more famous than you now.
Why would you say that? Why say that to me?
He's not more famous than me. Not amongst my demographic.
That's bollocks.
- Gordon. - Yep?
- All right? - Andy Millman. All right?
- Yeah, yeah. - Can't have a word, can you?
- Just leaving. - If you have a word, they'll let me in.
- Er, can't. - Oh, you can't or won't?
- Won't. - Oh.
Nip to the kitchen and make me a cheese sandwich.
Cock. Haven't you had enough cheese sandwiches, fat boy?
You Pound-Puppy-faced git!
You catchphrase-shouting wig-wearing wannabe!
You publicity-hungry failed-footballing fuck!
You're a has-been! Go home!
You think you're hard cos you shout.
Who works in kitchens? Ooh, women and gays. And the French. You're well hard.
Let's just leave it there, shall we? I don't want to get into a fight.
I've heard your girdle can explode at any minute.
- You f... Oh, I was gonna... - Come on. Let's just go.
No, I'm gonna wait for him to come out if I can't go through there.
- I'm sorry. - Can I at least have a drink?
- Do you want a drink? - Not really, no.
- You got something better to do? - No. Look, I'm going.
- Where are you going? - Home.
Don't leave me here by myself. Come on.
- Where is my home? - What?
- Where do I live? - You've moved.
- Yeah. Where to? - What, an exact address?
No, just the area.
What am I, your postman?
No, you're my friend. Look, I'll see you.
Oh, come on. Oh, for f...
(♪ "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" by the Smiths)
- Tre! - Excuse me!
- What are you doing? - You haven't been returning my calls.
There's not been much since you told the BBC to piss off.
There's other channels. You're meant to generate work for me.
I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't.
Life's cruel. To be honest, I've been up to my eyeballs with other clients.
- Guilty as charged. - Yeah...
- What about me? - All right, listen to me, Andy.
I don't know what it is that you want. Every time I see you, something different.
One day, it's all about being an artist.
Next day, you just want your face in the paper.
What do you want?
You want to be a world-famous movie star or the tortured genius creating great art?
Look, do you want fame and fortune or do you want integrity and respect?
- Both. - (Tre) Right.
Only a few people in the world have both those things.
You will never be one of them.
What do you want?
Rich and famous. And on the telly.
Right. OK, then.
- Will you do stuff you keep turning down? - Yes.
- Comedy panel shows? - Yep.
You'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
I know how they work.
- Emmerdale. - Oh. Good. Yeah.
This is great.
I'd much rather have a client that will do anything
than someone who goes, "Oh, I don't want to do that."
Ooh, hold on. There is one other thing. Might have to pull some strings.
Pull 'em.
(man) Last night, the celebrity housemates arrived in the house.
Hi. Hello.
- Hi. Lisa Scott-Lee. - Hi, Lisa. Hi, Scott.
- Lee. - Chico.
- Oh, yeah. - Toby.
- All right, mate. How's it going? - (Toby) Welcome to the house.
- (Andy) Hello. - (woman) Hi, Andy. June.
- Lionel Blair. - Andy.
Good.
He's happy.
- So how do you start? - You start like this. Tragedy.
I don't know who any of these people are. Who's that one in the dress?
That's Amy. She's in all the lads' mags. Her boyfriend was accused of rape.
Opportunity knocks. And who's that one?
- Oh, her son was murdered. - Murdered?
- Why's she in here? - She's got a single coming out.
- Course she has. Well, cheers. - Cheers.
(Lisa and Toby sing "Tragedy")
♪ It's Chico time Like that.
(chatter continues)
(man) 11:22pm.
All the housemates are in the lounge.
Obviously, I knew he was filming us at it,
but I didn't think it would end up on the internet.
- How did it end up on the internet? - Someone must have stolen it.
- Where from? - From the flat.
He put it on the windowsill, next to the apple pie that was cooling down.
Some ruffians came by, put it straight on the internet.
I'm glad they did, though. Because then the lads' mags called and said:
"We saw those. They looked great in motion. Do they look as good still?"
And they did, so they put them in the magazines, and luckily...
- (birdsong) ...was reading one of them.
- You went out with... - (birdsong)
I didn't really go out with him. I shagged him a few times.
- I also shagged... - (birdsong)
(man) Andy has come to the diary room.
You'll be sued under Trade Descriptions for calling it "Celebrity" Big Brother -
I didn't know who some of them were.
Do you know what I mean? I just think...
I don't think this will do me any good. This will make me look bad.
People won't go, "Oh, he's the biggest star in there."
They'll go, "Well, if he's in there, he must be as..." (sighs)
(man) Day three. Lionel is dancing again.
Ho! Ha!
Oh! Oh! Ow!
I've pulled my bloody back!
(Chico) Here we go. Easy does it. Lay back, lay back, lay back.
- You all right? - (pained gasp)
- Why are you doing this? - Just keeps up the profile.
You've been performing for 40 years. Aren't you bored, being "on" all the time?
Yeah. I ache as well. I wake up in the morning and I ache.
That's why I've done my bloody back. I didn't stretch because it aches to stretch.
Do you know what I look forward to these days?
Death.
Oh, save me some wine.
It numbs the pain. Ow!
(man) Day four. Big Brother set the housemates a task.
The housemates must rank themselves in order of fame,
with one being the most famous, and eight being the least famous.
I've worked hard to get here. What have you done? Dropped your knickers?
- At least I'm on the way up. - My fans are watching. I should be here.
I've been famous for ten years. You've been famous for ten minutes.
- I've been in this business over 50 years. - (Toby) Grandad's talking now.
Never mind about "grandad". I had two programmes in the top five -
Give Us a Clue and Name That Tune. When have you been on telly?
Everybody who watched them's in homes now, Lionel.
I don't care if Lionel wants to go with number one.
I'll swap with Lionel, but I'm not swapping with her.
All I'll say is, my show was getting seven million every week on BBC One.
Everyone shouts my catchphrase. Four-year-olds shout my catchphrase.
All the four-year-olds shout my catchphrase. Well, they're five now.
I'm sorry, mate, you're a reality winner.
- (Lionel) Hold on, hold on! - (June) I've interviewed Tony Blair!
You didn't even win! You didn't even win!
(all shout at once)
My son's murder was on the News at Ten.
And I met Gordon Brown. He paid for me to come up to London and everything.
- Still, must have been a terrible time. - It was an absolute tragedy.
♪ Tragedy Everybody!
(all sing)
Come on. It was number one, this. Come on, Andy!
(singing continues)
(Lisa) Shoulders, everybody!
(man) Andy has come to the diary room.
I don't know why I did this.
I just don't...
What... what is this? This is a blip.
Is this a blip? Is this a blip in my life?
Will I do something embarrassing? Will I?
Do they? I don't know.
I-I don't know what's the best that can happen. I know what the worst is.
I don't know what the best is. I don't know what the best that can happen with this is.
(sighs)
(Big Brother) Andy, is there anything you miss on the outside world?
Loads of stuff.
(man) The housemates are talking about fame.
When did you first realise you wanted to be famous?
- Me? - Yeah.
I didn't think I did just want to be famous. I thought I wanted something...
But obviously I do want to be famous. Why else would I put myself here
with a load of other desperate people?
- I'm not desperate. - No?
No. I'm doing this to broaden my career. I want to be a serious journalist.
Yesterday, June, you spent 20 minutes making porridge
in high heels and a thong.
- So? - Kate Adie didn't start out like that.
- Who? - Good luck with the Pulitzer.
- Are you patronising me? - No. I'm really not having a go.
I'm just saying we must be desperate. Why else come onto a show
where you have to hand in your dignity at the door?
- I haven't handed in my dignity. - (claxon)
(♪ "The Birdie Song")
(clucks)
I'm not gonna get married for a while. If I did, I would let someone pay for it.
Cos a decent wedding's gonna cost about 50 grand.
Let "Hello" pay for that.
And, apparently, they pay for every celebrity you get along.
You'd come, wouldn't you? You're worth a few quid.
Andy? Would you come to my Hello wedding?
- To your Hello wedding? - Yeah.
- Are you all right? - No.
(sighs) What are we doing? Selling ourselves. Selling everything.
"Happiest day of my life. Ooh, quick, I better do the invites and bake a cake,
and get a press tent. Must have a press tent - it's a wedding."
"I must see pictures of myself with people I'm in a programme with."
"Ooh, and now I'm pregnant. Maybe we should televise the birth."
"Get Ruby Wax to present it."
"Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest Caesareans."
I'm not having a go. I'm just sick of celebrities living their life out in the open.
Why would you do that?
Like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab.
They call their publicist before a taxi. Then they do their second autobiography.
"This one's called Love Me or I'll Kill Myself." Kill yourself, then.
And the papers lap it up. They follow us round, and people think we're important.
And that makes us think we're important.
If they stopped following us round, people wouldn't go:
"Quick. I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple."
They'd get on with something else. They'd get on with their lives.
You open the paper and see Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car.
The headline is, "We can see your knickers." Of course you can.
Your photographer is lying in the road, pointing his camera up her dress.
You're literally the gutter press.
And fuck you, the makers of this show, as well. You can't wash your hands of this.
You keep going, "Oh, it's exploitation, but it's what the public wants. "
The Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called "Big Brother".
Or X Factor, where, in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered
to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires.
And fuck you for watching this at home.
Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all.
I'm one of these people that goes, "I'm an entertainer. It's in my blood."
Yeah, it's in my blood cos a real job's too hard.
I wanted to be a doctor. Too hard. Didn't want to put the work in.
I'd love to be a war hero. I'm too scared.
So I go, "Oh, it's what I do."
And I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino's cold,
or if they look at me the wrong way.
You know what a friend of mine once said?
They said I'll never be happy, cos I'll never be famous enough.
And they were right.
And, if you're watching this, I'm so sorry.
You're my best friend. You're my only friend.
And you never did anything wrong.
It was everything else. I'll never do that again. I'll never treat you like that again.
And it's eating me up. You asked me a stupid question once, and I didn't answer.
Cos I was... I'll answer it now.
I'd be the penguin.
Cos I could eat the flying fish.
I know what you're thinking - why doesn't the fish fly away?
They can't really fly - sort of glide and flap. They should be called glidey flappy fish.
I'm so sorry.
- I've been waiting to hear that. - I don't think he...
He's a good guy. He is a good guy.
Yeah.
- I'm gonna go now. Cheers, everyone. - Andy.
- A-Andy. That was... that was amazing. - Cheers.
- I'm gonna come with you. - OK.
Just give me five minutes. There's paparazzi out there - I'll put on a bikini.
- Andy's through there. - Andy?
Andy!
Seriously, mate, you are a fucking genius!
Where did that come from? Have you seen the mob out there? It's gone mad. Mad.
The phone's been going mental. I've had calls from all the papers, the chat shows.
We can charge a fortune for this. Well done, mate.
Elton John wants you to be seen at one of his 60th birthday parties.
- He's 61 now, isn't he? - He's got a lot of parties to get through.
Posh and Becks -
being photographed on a private beach "against their will",
and they wondered if you wanted to be there.
- Wow. - Yeah?
When you go through there, don't say too much.
We want to be able to sell your story. Just a few words.
I've got you a hotel suite. Let's get down there, assess our options.
- Seriously, mate, the world is your oyster. - OK.
You ready? Let me say a few words, then I'll bring you out.
Yeah.
Hello, everybody. Sorry for keeping you waiting.
Andy won't be answering many questions now.
There'll be a chance for that at a later stage,
for those of you who want to get your chequebooks open.
All right. So, ladies and gentlemen, Andy Millman.
Oh, he's a deaf bugger. Andy Millman!
- Hi. - Hello.
- You all right? - Yeah.
- Saw you on the telly. - Did you? Good.
- Where are we going? - Where no one cares who I am.
Back to the lvy, then?
Seriously. Somewhere where no one knows me.
- (Maggie) Hollywood? - The hits keep coming!
(Maggie laughs)
What do you want me to tell this lot? They've been there for hours.
"Oh, sorry, we lost him." Move! Fucking find him!
(Andy) Seriously, where do you want to go?
- (Maggie) Can I go anywhere? - Yeah.
(Maggie) All right, then. Where do the flying fish live?
- (Andy) In the sea. - Let's go there, then.
- (Andy) Two first-class tickets to the sea. - (laughs)
(♪ "Tea for the Tillerman" by Cat Stevens)