1
00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:09,610
(man) Day seven.
All the housemates are in the kitchen.
2
00:00:09,695 --> 00:00:11,686
(all shouting)
3
00:00:16,255 --> 00:00:18,325
- (man) Shut up!
- (woman) For God's sake!
4
00:00:18,415 --> 00:00:21,805
- (man) Shut up!
- (man #2) Listen to me!
5
00:00:21,895 --> 00:00:25,046
- Shut up!
- You (bleep) shut up!
6
00:00:34,615 --> 00:00:36,606
(audience laughter)
7
00:00:38,055 --> 00:00:40,285
(recorder is played badly)
8
00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:44,163
- (woman) Rita, what are you doing?
- (Rita) Playing the recorder.
9
00:00:44,255 --> 00:00:46,132
- (woman) Why?
- It's the school's idea.
10
00:00:46,215 --> 00:00:51,494
They say that every now and then, you
should swap places with your child.
11
00:00:51,575 --> 00:00:53,884
So I'm learning to play the recorder.
12
00:00:53,975 --> 00:00:56,648
- (woman #1) What's your daughter doing?
- Drinking gin,
13
00:00:56,735 --> 00:00:59,966
- thinking about her failed marriage.
- (audience laughter)
14
00:01:00,055 --> 00:01:04,207
- (woman) Rita, you are a card.
- Yeah. The joker.
15
00:01:04,295 --> 00:01:06,968
- (audience) Aaahhh.
- (plays recorder badly)
16
00:01:07,055 --> 00:01:13,290
- Oh, it's no good. It's too difficult.
- I used to play the recorder at school.
17
00:01:13,375 --> 00:01:16,924
- Let me help you learn.
- Oh, thank you, Brains.
18
00:01:17,015 --> 00:01:19,848
Yes, Mr Yamaguchi.
No, Mr Yamaguchi.
19
00:01:19,935 --> 00:01:22,927
Can I just say, one more time,
I am velly velly solly?
20
00:01:23,015 --> 00:01:26,212
I mean, I'm very, very sorry.
Yes, arseholes to you, too.
21
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,968
Ah so. Ah so to you, too.
Goodbye.
22
00:01:30,935 --> 00:01:33,733
Rita, just relax.
23
00:01:33,815 --> 00:01:36,613
- Ohh?
- (Rita) But it's so hard.
24
00:01:36,695 --> 00:01:38,333
Oh!
25
00:01:40,015 --> 00:01:42,734
- Just take it in your hand...
- (excited grunt)
26
00:01:42,815 --> 00:01:45,454
...and blow.
- (growls)
27
00:01:45,535 --> 00:01:48,003
- Don't suck.
- (quizzical grunt)
28
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,892
- Oh, that's good.
- (high-pitched muttering)
29
00:01:51,975 --> 00:01:54,170
What the bloody hell's going on here?
Oh.
30
00:01:54,255 --> 00:01:57,930
Oh, sorry, Mr Stokes. I don't know
when I'm blowing and when I'm sucking.
31
00:01:58,015 --> 00:01:59,084
Ohh!
32
00:01:59,175 --> 00:02:01,166
She's learning to play the recorder.
33
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:03,610
- What does it record?
- Eh?
34
00:02:03,695 --> 00:02:06,607
- What does it record?
- Doesn't record anything.
35
00:02:06,695 --> 00:02:10,404
Well, what's it called a recorder for, then?
I don't get it.
36
00:02:10,495 --> 00:02:11,564
(audience laughter)
37
00:02:11,655 --> 00:02:14,453
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?
38
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:17,732
(audience laughs and cheers)
39
00:02:23,615 --> 00:02:26,527
- Sometimes, Gobbler.
- (woman) Raymond!
40
00:02:26,615 --> 00:02:28,333
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
41
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:33,648
It can't be.
It's only my bloody twin sister! Ohh!
42
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,406
(audience laughter)
43
00:02:37,095 --> 00:02:40,053
- Hello, Raymond.
- What are you doing here?
44
00:02:40,135 --> 00:02:41,966
(sister) A young girl gets lonely.
45
00:02:42,055 --> 00:02:45,127
(Ray) Maybe so,
but what are you doing here?
46
00:02:45,215 --> 00:02:49,003
(♪ Prokofiev's 'Troika'
from "Lieutenant Kijé" suite)
47
00:03:18,295 --> 00:03:19,364
- Mr Millman.
- What?
48
00:03:19,455 --> 00:03:21,286
Hello there.
Sorry to bother you.
49
00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:24,128
I saw you in here.
My name's Richard. I'm the manager.
50
00:03:24,215 --> 00:03:25,933
- You've got to help me.
- Why?
51
00:03:26,015 --> 00:03:28,609
- Would you mind signing a few of these?
- What, now?
52
00:03:28,695 --> 00:03:30,845
They're not moving.
53
00:03:30,935 --> 00:03:33,893
If you sign ten, that's ten
we've got more chance of selling.
54
00:03:33,975 --> 00:03:36,125
I thought the public
would lap this tat up,
55
00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:38,365
but they're more discerning
than I thought.
56
00:03:38,455 --> 00:03:42,334
Even the Jade Goody doll's
selling better than this.
57
00:03:42,415 --> 00:03:44,849
(doll) Am I minging?
58
00:03:45,735 --> 00:03:48,772
Shilpa Poppadom.
Shilpa Fuckawalla.
59
00:03:50,295 --> 00:03:53,173
It's cheap and ugly.
I suppose that's the problem.
60
00:03:53,255 --> 00:03:57,373
- Yeah, it is ugly.
- (doll) Are you having a laugh?
61
00:03:57,455 --> 00:03:58,774
Are you having a laugh?
62
00:03:58,855 --> 00:04:01,767
Who'd have thought
that would eventually be irritating?
63
00:04:01,855 --> 00:04:05,530
Thing is, you've got to order these things,
like, a year in advance.
64
00:04:05,615 --> 00:04:08,129
- I won't make the same mistake again.
- No.
65
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,775
I'll make my money back
next Christmas.
66
00:04:10,855 --> 00:04:16,771
- I've ordered 10,000 Scissor Sister dolls.
- Well, you're laughing, then, aren't you?
67
00:04:19,015 --> 00:04:20,892
What would you rather do, right?
68
00:04:20,975 --> 00:04:25,207
Never celebrate Christmas, ever,
or have Christmas every day?
69
00:04:25,295 --> 00:04:27,047
If it's every day,
what do I have to do?
70
00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:30,923
Nothing. You just sit at home,
watching the telly, having the day off.
71
00:04:31,015 --> 00:04:34,246
No one works? There's no industry,
no government? It's chaos.
72
00:04:34,335 --> 00:04:38,294
- You'd rather never celebrate Christmas?
- Yeah, if that was the choice.
73
00:04:38,375 --> 00:04:40,525
You'd be Jewish.
They don't celebrate it.
74
00:04:40,615 --> 00:04:43,334
Why would I suddenly be Jewish?
75
00:04:43,415 --> 00:04:45,929
Oh, I don't know
what you're talking about.
76
00:04:49,295 --> 00:04:51,934
- Ready?
- Yes.
77
00:05:04,975 --> 00:05:08,126
- Look, it's Greg in a film.
- We can't watch telly in the day.
78
00:05:08,215 --> 00:05:10,251
No, wait. I want to see.
79
00:05:10,335 --> 00:05:14,328
No man has the right to kill his brother.
It's no excuse to do so in uniform.
80
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:18,852
It merely adds to the infamy of servitude
for the crime of murder.
81
00:05:18,935 --> 00:05:21,165
I love Clive Owen.
82
00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:25,009
Clive. Good name for a film star.
83
00:05:25,935 --> 00:05:30,087
If we must have a tyrant, let him at least
be a gentleman bred to the business.
84
00:05:30,175 --> 00:05:36,091
And let us fall by the axe,
and not by the butcher's cleaver.
85
00:05:37,335 --> 00:05:39,895
- Greg seems good in it.
- That was a clip from...
86
00:05:39,975 --> 00:05:41,727
It'll be a bit part.
87
00:05:41,815 --> 00:05:43,885
... and Greg Lindley Jones,
the two leads.
88
00:05:43,975 --> 00:05:46,569
He's one of the leads.
89
00:05:46,655 --> 00:05:49,328
- In a terrible film.
- I thought the film was brilliant.
90
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:54,364
- He thought it was brilliant.
- Oh, I can hear. What am I?
91
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:56,844
Clive, you're Byron,
but, Greg, you play Shelley.
92
00:05:56,935 --> 00:06:00,723
It's one of the most exciting breakthrough
performances I've ever seen.
93
00:06:00,815 --> 00:06:05,252
- Well, thank you very much.
- How was it working with Clive Owen?
94
00:06:05,335 --> 00:06:09,453
I hope you don't mind me saying this.
He's such a down-to-earth guy. So real.
95
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:12,607
- (Clive) We had a good time, didn't we?
- We had a great time.
96
00:06:12,695 --> 00:06:16,688
I know a lot of people say it,
but we really did get on well.
97
00:06:16,775 --> 00:06:20,370
I can't believe you persuaded me
to do these. They're not even selling.
98
00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:25,245
It's so embarrassing! There'll be loads
of them lying around in bargain bins. Tat.
99
00:06:25,335 --> 00:06:27,166
They cut the price to shift a few.
100
00:06:27,255 --> 00:06:30,770
But cos they're so cheap to manufacture,
we still get 40p a time.
101
00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:34,734
- Cos they're made in sweatshops.
- Thank God for child exploitation.
102
00:06:34,815 --> 00:06:37,807
The funny thing is,
that's your key demographic, kids.
103
00:06:37,895 --> 00:06:42,844
So even if they're doing a 14-hour day,
they're having a whale of a time.
104
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:45,165
Hope it doesn't distract them.
They'll be beaten.
105
00:06:45,255 --> 00:06:48,531
- I don't want to hear this.
- They work there cos they like it.
106
00:06:48,615 --> 00:06:51,891
- I don't think they get a choice.
- Henri Matisse once said:
107
00:06:51,975 --> 00:06:54,535
"Derive happiness in oneself
from a good day's work,
108
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,970
from illuminating the fog
that surrounds us."
109
00:06:57,055 --> 00:07:00,604
- What are you working on today?
- Getting dog muck out of his shoe.
110
00:07:00,695 --> 00:07:03,414
Next door's Great Dane.
The stench is unbelievable.
111
00:07:03,495 --> 00:07:06,089
I've seen them feeding it boiled eggs.
It's mad.
112
00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,531
I don't want to be associated
with this sort of stuff.
113
00:07:09,615 --> 00:07:12,175
To the public there's no difference
between me and that.
114
00:07:12,255 --> 00:07:14,928
- Little fat ugly thing? Pathetic?
- No.
115
00:07:15,015 --> 00:07:18,052
I put on... I put on a wig
and shout a catchphrase.
116
00:07:18,135 --> 00:07:21,605
- I want to do credible stuff.
- We've had offers.
117
00:07:21,695 --> 00:07:25,210
A part in the BBC's jewel in the crown -
Doctor Who.
118
00:07:25,295 --> 00:07:28,207
- No.
- Uh... Hotel Babylon?
119
00:07:28,295 --> 00:07:31,446
No, I don't want to do
camp, frothy nonsense.
120
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:34,766
- I want to do something classy.
- Celebrity Big Brother phoned.
121
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,210
You're not listening.
Not in a million years.
122
00:07:37,295 --> 00:07:40,446
- What about films?
- We did have a call.
123
00:07:40,535 --> 00:07:42,685
- Heard about this Byron film?
- Yeah.
124
00:07:42,775 --> 00:07:45,767
They're making a sequel.
Should be classy, should be good.
125
00:07:45,855 --> 00:07:48,813
It's about what it means to be a man.
Honour, integrity.
126
00:07:48,895 --> 00:07:51,090
- They wanted you for an audition.
- Right.
127
00:07:51,175 --> 00:07:53,484
- I said no, but I thought that...
- You said no?
128
00:07:53,575 --> 00:07:58,091
Well, they were asking for someone
who was 36, handsome, dashing, tall...
129
00:07:58,175 --> 00:08:02,726
- Always do the audition!
- Look at you. I may as well send Barry!
130
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:04,885
Call and say
you've got the perfect person.
131
00:08:04,975 --> 00:08:06,169
- Who?
- Me!
132
00:08:06,255 --> 00:08:07,654
I don't want to waste their time.
133
00:08:07,735 --> 00:08:11,614
Why am I trying to persuade my agent
to get... It should be the other way round!
134
00:08:11,695 --> 00:08:14,004
They'll think
I don't know what I'm doing.
135
00:08:14,095 --> 00:08:17,849
No one could think that, or that
you shouldn't even be in the industry.
136
00:08:17,935 --> 00:08:22,451
- Thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised.
- Get me the audition.
137
00:08:26,295 --> 00:08:31,130
(woman) OK, that's a ten-minute break,
everyone. Sandwiches are over here.
138
00:08:32,655 --> 00:08:37,604
Actually, could you just let the actors
and the crew have theirs first, please?
139
00:08:53,775 --> 00:08:55,970
Can you hold on?
140
00:09:34,335 --> 00:09:35,768
- Are you Maggie?
- Yes.
141
00:09:35,855 --> 00:09:38,244
Andy wants to see you
in his dressing room.
142
00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:41,168
- What, now?
- Yeah. Chop chop.
143
00:09:48,495 --> 00:09:51,373
(knock on door)
144
00:09:53,535 --> 00:09:57,733
- Hello, Mrs Millman. Is Andy in?
- It's a face pack. Don't make me laugh.
145
00:09:57,815 --> 00:09:59,567
- What's this for?
- For a film role.
146
00:09:59,655 --> 00:10:02,453
- For a film? Are you going for a film?
- Yeah. Right. OK.
147
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,208
Help me out. Don't comment.
148
00:10:05,295 --> 00:10:09,083
- Is that a girdle?
- No. It just helps firm up the...
149
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:11,848
- Flab.
- Right. Come on, then. Quick.
150
00:10:11,935 --> 00:10:15,132
- Are you serious? Oh, my God.
- Yeah. Come on.
151
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:19,003
- That's not gonna work. Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ! Course it is.
152
00:10:19,095 --> 00:10:21,404
- Go on, then. Go.
- (laughs)
153
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:25,044
Don't make me laugh.
Don't make me laugh.
154
00:10:25,135 --> 00:10:28,093
Go on, then. Oh.
Go on. Go.
155
00:10:28,175 --> 00:10:31,053
- Oh, my God.
- Where do your organs go?
156
00:10:31,135 --> 00:10:36,050
Do they get closer together, or am I going
to cough up a kidney in the audition?
157
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:42,654
...sort of natural.
- He was. But he wasn't as good as...
158
00:10:42,735 --> 00:10:45,852
- But they're both...
- Andy, hi. Take a seat.
159
00:10:45,935 --> 00:10:47,687
- Andrew Millman.
- Greg.
160
00:10:47,775 --> 00:10:50,528
- You're looking good.
- Been working out, innit?
161
00:10:50,615 --> 00:10:54,733
Sorry, must declare an interest.
Me and Andy are very old friends.
162
00:10:54,815 --> 00:10:58,728
We've been climbing
the slippery show biz ladder together.
163
00:10:59,175 --> 00:11:03,327
Some of us
got a little further than others.
164
00:11:03,415 --> 00:11:05,804
Anyway, I won't be biased.
165
00:11:05,895 --> 00:11:08,125
- Which role are you here for?
- Henry Milligan.
166
00:11:08,215 --> 00:11:13,005
Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan.
It says here "age 36".
167
00:11:13,095 --> 00:11:16,405
Yeah. I took that
as being in mid-to-late 30s.
168
00:11:16,495 --> 00:11:19,771
We'll change it to late 30s.
169
00:11:20,575 --> 00:11:26,172
Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan.
It says here "late 30s".
170
00:11:26,255 --> 00:11:28,689
Shall we do one? Yeah?
171
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:31,653
- Do you want to stand up?
- Yep. Easy.
172
00:11:31,735 --> 00:11:34,693
- All right?
- Yeah. All right. Thanks.
173
00:11:35,775 --> 00:11:38,733
Ah, Henry Milligan.
Allow me to introduce myself.
174
00:11:38,815 --> 00:11:42,490
- Your reputation precedes you, sir.
- (girdle rips)
175
00:11:42,575 --> 00:11:43,894
(sighs)
176
00:11:43,975 --> 00:11:48,173
Sorry. Can we stop there? Something
seems to have happened to Andy's midriff.
177
00:11:48,255 --> 00:11:52,931
Can we just rewind that and see what
happened? Did everyone see that?
178
00:11:53,015 --> 00:11:56,610
- Your reputation precedes you, sir.
- (girdle rips)
179
00:11:56,695 --> 00:12:01,485
Look at his belly. Andy,
has your diaphragm just collapsed?
180
00:12:01,575 --> 00:12:05,204
Oh, dear.
He seems to have scuttled off.
181
00:12:06,455 --> 00:12:11,006
(Maggie on answerphone) Leave
a message and I'll get back to you.
182
00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:12,084
(beep)
183
00:12:12,175 --> 00:12:16,054
(Andy) Hi, it's me. Do you fancy
some lunch? At the lvy. I'll pay.
184
00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:19,605
I can tell you all about
my brilliant audition.
185
00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:22,971
All right. Give us a call back.
Cheers. Bye.
186
00:12:23,055 --> 00:12:26,365
- Andy Millman!
- All right, Bunny.
187
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:29,094
- What you doing?
- Waiting.
188
00:12:29,175 --> 00:12:31,291
Waiting? For what?
189
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:34,651
- Cock.
- Yeah. It's never too early for that, is it?
190
00:12:34,735 --> 00:12:37,693
- Don't you know about this area?
- I've just moved in.
191
00:12:37,775 --> 00:12:40,653
This area's famous for it.
I'm here all the time.
192
00:12:40,735 --> 00:12:45,172
This is known as the "waiting bench".
(sings theme from "The Twilight Zone")
193
00:12:45,255 --> 00:12:48,088
- Oh, by the way, loving the show.
- Cheers.
194
00:12:48,175 --> 00:12:50,405
"Are you having a laugh?"
195
00:12:53,135 --> 00:12:56,764
Keep walking. Keep walking!
196
00:12:56,855 --> 00:13:00,086
- She'll never get anything in the daylight.
- Hello, Bunny.
197
00:13:00,175 --> 00:13:02,564
Oh! Hi, George.
198
00:13:06,055 --> 00:13:09,013
- Any action?
- No.
199
00:13:09,095 --> 00:13:11,768
I've only got 20 minutes.
I'm on my lunch break.
200
00:13:11,855 --> 00:13:14,688
- Lunch break?
- Yeah, I'm doing community service.
201
00:13:14,775 --> 00:13:16,606
Are you still doing that?
202
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:19,607
Not that one. I'm doing another one.
I'm picking up litter.
203
00:13:19,695 --> 00:13:22,209
Oh, right.
What did you do wrong this time?
204
00:13:22,295 --> 00:13:25,412
- Fly-tipping, believe it or not.
- Right.
205
00:13:25,495 --> 00:13:28,726
Yeah. I was helping Annie Lennox out
with an old fridge-freezer.
206
00:13:28,815 --> 00:13:30,692
She said, "Shall I call the council?"
207
00:13:30,775 --> 00:13:34,051
I said, "No, don't bother.
There's a skip at the end of my street."
208
00:13:34,135 --> 00:13:39,493
So 2:30 in the morning, we're tipping it
in there and the fucking police show up.
209
00:13:39,575 --> 00:13:41,327
How did they get involved?
210
00:13:41,415 --> 00:13:44,771
Well, it was Stewart Copeland's skip,
and, uh, he called Sting.
211
00:13:44,855 --> 00:13:49,087
Sting called the fucking council,
cos he's a fucking do-gooder.
212
00:13:49,175 --> 00:13:52,247
Now me and Annie are picking up litter.
213
00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:56,452
I'd better get going, cos I'm gonna
have to get back to work soon.
214
00:13:56,535 --> 00:14:00,244
- Come on. I'll give you a quickie.
- Oi! I'm not that desperate, matey.
215
00:14:00,335 --> 00:14:04,248
- Cheeky bastard!
- Will you look out for paparazzi?
216
00:14:04,335 --> 00:14:07,054
- I'm gonna go and try over there.
- Love to.
217
00:14:07,135 --> 00:14:09,205
- Cheers.
- (Bunny) Cheers.
218
00:14:09,295 --> 00:14:11,445
I've had him before, you know.
219
00:14:11,535 --> 00:14:13,810
In his car.
220
00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:15,487
Wasn't that a bit cramped?
221
00:14:15,575 --> 00:14:17,645
And he was swerving
all over the road.
222
00:14:17,735 --> 00:14:20,169
Look, keep an eye out for me as well,
will you?
223
00:14:20,255 --> 00:14:22,371
That old queen can't have got too far.
224
00:14:22,455 --> 00:14:24,207
Hello!
225
00:14:25,295 --> 00:14:27,729
- Andy Millman.
- I don't know what this bench is for.
226
00:14:27,815 --> 00:14:29,965
- What did you say?
- Why you sitting there?
227
00:14:30,055 --> 00:14:33,730
(stutters) Live across the road
and just fancied a sit down...
228
00:14:33,815 --> 00:14:37,774
- Why not sit in your garden?
- No bench.
229
00:14:37,855 --> 00:14:40,892
If you want to sit in the garden,
you'll be on the grass.
230
00:14:40,975 --> 00:14:43,489
Why you sitting on the queer bench?
231
00:14:43,575 --> 00:14:46,931
- Seen George Michael?
- Strange question.
232
00:14:47,015 --> 00:14:50,974
My editor wants a picture
of someone famous acting bent.
233
00:14:51,055 --> 00:14:53,615
All I've got is you
sitting on a queer bench, so...
234
00:14:53,695 --> 00:14:56,255
- I'm not involved, so...
- I know he's been here.
235
00:14:56,335 --> 00:14:59,088
- How do you know?
- A joint...
236
00:15:00,455 --> 00:15:01,808
and a kebab.
237
00:15:01,895 --> 00:15:05,126
Apart from that,
I've had a leaked memo from his office.
238
00:15:05,215 --> 00:15:08,730
"9am, community service.
Lunch, cruising Hampstead Heath."
239
00:15:08,815 --> 00:15:12,012
"5pm, go on Richard & Judy
to defend his actions about something."
240
00:15:12,095 --> 00:15:14,563
"7 pm, record Catherine Tate
Christmas Special."
241
00:15:14,655 --> 00:15:16,930
- He's doing that? He's in the bushes.
- Thank you.
242
00:15:17,015 --> 00:15:19,813
My pleasure.
243
00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:39,925
- Thank you very much. Cheers.
- Love the show.
244
00:15:40,015 --> 00:15:43,007
- Andy!
- Cheers. Thanks very much.
245
00:15:47,735 --> 00:15:50,295
Hi. We haven't booked.
Do you have a table for two?
246
00:15:50,375 --> 00:15:54,368
- Oh, you have to book, I'm afraid.
- Look, can't you just squeeze us in?
247
00:15:54,455 --> 00:15:57,288
- We won't have a starter.
- I'm sorry. There's nothing.
248
00:15:57,375 --> 00:15:59,843
- Or a pudding.
- We'll be 20 minutes, in and out.
249
00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:03,325
- I'm sorry.
- You don't, er...
250
00:16:03,415 --> 00:16:05,883
- We are...
- The Management.
251
00:16:05,975 --> 00:16:07,294
I'm the manager.
252
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:11,493
No, we used to do these characters
called the Management.
253
00:16:11,575 --> 00:16:14,692
- "The Stonk".
- "The Stonk"? Is that a restaurant?
254
00:16:14,775 --> 00:16:17,005
No, it's a song we did.
255
00:16:17,975 --> 00:16:21,763
There's nothing available. But you can
book up to three months in advance.
256
00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:24,130
We don't know
where we'll be in three months.
257
00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:26,285
We might not be alive in three months.
258
00:16:26,375 --> 00:16:29,970
What would you rather do - be on the
Planet of the Apes, but you're a human,
259
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:35,368
but you can't speak, or be the first ever
monkey on Earth to speak?
260
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:38,932
- Do I know I'm a monkey?
- Mr Millman. Hello.
261
00:16:39,015 --> 00:16:41,848
- We haven't booked.
- No problem. I can squeeze you in.
262
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:44,495
Oh, thank you. Cheers.
263
00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:47,408
- It's them. What's their name again?
- Hale and Pace.
264
00:16:47,495 --> 00:16:50,453
- Hale. And Pace.
- Like Ant and Dec.
265
00:16:50,895 --> 00:16:54,888
- Without their money.
- They throw money at performers now.
266
00:16:54,975 --> 00:16:58,524
- We should have invested more wisely.
- Can we not do this in public?
267
00:16:58,615 --> 00:17:02,574
- It was your idea to buy the racehorse.
- It was your idea to ride it.
268
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:06,534
- You couldn't help us get in, could you?
- I, erm... I... Er...
269
00:17:06,615 --> 00:17:10,847
I don't think there's... Got some...
Nice to meet you.
270
00:17:10,935 --> 00:17:12,732
Cheers.
271
00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:17,768
Look, look. There's...
What's her name?
272
00:17:17,855 --> 00:17:19,766
- Jade Jagger.
- That's it.
273
00:17:19,855 --> 00:17:22,847
- What does she do?
- Fashion. Something.
274
00:17:22,935 --> 00:17:25,529
Jade Jagger.
275
00:17:25,615 --> 00:17:28,687
How do you think
she got her big break?
276
00:17:29,655 --> 00:17:33,648
- I wonder.
- What does Sadie Frost do?
277
00:17:33,735 --> 00:17:36,124
- She's friends with people.
- That's a job?
278
00:17:36,215 --> 00:17:38,604
- It is, yeah.
- Not the sausages.
279
00:17:38,695 --> 00:17:41,050
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Right, OK.
280
00:17:41,135 --> 00:17:43,933
Don't look. Don't look yet.
Woman over there.
281
00:17:44,015 --> 00:17:46,734
An amazing face, OK?
Red top.
282
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:49,887
I want you to turn and look at her,
and I'll say her name.
283
00:17:49,975 --> 00:17:53,524
Three, two, one.
Elmer Fudd.
284
00:17:55,695 --> 00:17:58,289
The only woman I have ever seen
with a comb-over.
285
00:17:58,375 --> 00:18:01,014
Hi. Sorry to bother you.
My name's Tre Cooper.
286
00:18:01,095 --> 00:18:04,883
I represent Greg Lindley Jones. You
went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you?
287
00:18:04,975 --> 00:18:07,045
Oh, yeah. I wasn't right for that.
288
00:18:07,135 --> 00:18:10,286
There are a lot of film people out there
mentioning your name,
289
00:18:10,375 --> 00:18:12,889
- and a lot of roles you would be right for.
- Really?
290
00:18:12,975 --> 00:18:15,728
I also heard you're not entirely happy
with your show.
291
00:18:15,815 --> 00:18:17,931
- It's not how I wanted it to be.
- Really?
292
00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:22,008
I think you should be on top of the world.
What does it get? Seven million viewers?
293
00:18:22,095 --> 00:18:23,494
- Six.
- Six.
294
00:18:23,575 --> 00:18:27,966
Seven million viewers watch your show
every week, because they respond to you.
295
00:18:28,055 --> 00:18:30,569
And the reviews -
don't listen to the reviews.
296
00:18:30,655 --> 00:18:33,886
No one's talking about reviews.
They're talking about your sitcom.
297
00:18:33,975 --> 00:18:36,694
There'll always be people
who don't like what you do.
298
00:18:36,775 --> 00:18:38,254
- Oh, yeah.
- So what?
299
00:18:38,335 --> 00:18:42,123
If someone shouts, "You're a wanker,"
you go, "Look at my sports car."
300
00:18:42,215 --> 00:18:44,490
And if they shout,
"You're still a tosser,"
301
00:18:44,575 --> 00:18:48,204
go, "Really? How many catchphrases
have you come up with? None."
302
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:51,412
And if they're still shouting,
you just drive away.
303
00:18:51,495 --> 00:18:53,645
- I would.
- Drive to the bank. Laughing.
304
00:18:53,735 --> 00:18:56,329
- Who's your agent?
- Darren Lamb.
305
00:18:56,415 --> 00:19:00,408
I've never heard of him.
I've been in the business 15 years.
306
00:19:00,495 --> 00:19:02,690
- Where'd he come from?
- Bristol.
307
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:04,970
- Which company?
- He's never worked for a company.
308
00:19:05,055 --> 00:19:08,286
Yeah, he has. He worked part time
at the Carphone Warehouse.
309
00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:12,050
- Look, I don't know the guy...
- Why would you? You're in the business.
310
00:19:12,135 --> 00:19:15,525
I don't want to disrespect him,
but, erm, business is business.
311
00:19:15,615 --> 00:19:19,528
If there's any dead wood in your
organisation, you have to get rid of it.
312
00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:22,209
It may seem harsh, but life's cruel.
313
00:19:22,655 --> 00:19:25,249
No one's going to help your career
but you.
314
00:19:25,335 --> 00:19:29,374
I'm an extra. I love Clive Owen.
Can I get a part in that Byron film?
315
00:19:29,455 --> 00:19:32,413
- What...
- It's all right. She's hustling.
316
00:19:32,495 --> 00:19:35,328
Well done.
Consider it done.
317
00:19:35,415 --> 00:19:39,454
My card. And, seriously, if I can be
of any help, call me and we'll sit down.
318
00:19:39,535 --> 00:19:41,526
Sorry for interrupting your meal.
319
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:44,527
Oh! Catch of the day, Dover sole -
it is superb.
320
00:19:44,615 --> 00:19:46,526
- Have a great lunch.
- Cheers.
321
00:19:46,615 --> 00:19:48,924
Wahey!
322
00:19:49,015 --> 00:19:51,927
Oh, Elmer's looking over.
323
00:19:52,015 --> 00:19:54,893
Hello. Hello. Hiya.
324
00:19:55,335 --> 00:19:59,044
I recommend the wabbit... the rabbit.
Well, she doesn't know, does she?
325
00:20:00,295 --> 00:20:04,925
- How the hell did you do that?
- I don't know. They get stuck.
326
00:20:05,015 --> 00:20:07,609
That's stuck fast. If I...
That's gonna break.
327
00:20:07,695 --> 00:20:10,493
- Don't break it.
- I'll pull it up over your head, yeah?
328
00:20:10,575 --> 00:20:13,453
You ready?
You just pull back, all right?
329
00:20:13,535 --> 00:20:16,572
OK, go!
Just pull, Darren!
330
00:20:16,655 --> 00:20:21,171
- What about my head, brainiac?
- I can't help if you don't pull back!
331
00:20:21,255 --> 00:20:25,567
I am pulling back.
What exactly is your plan?
332
00:20:25,655 --> 00:20:27,930
What are you actually
intending to do now?
333
00:20:28,015 --> 00:20:32,247
- (Barry) Just you pull back.
- You learnt nothing in Fame Academy.
334
00:20:32,335 --> 00:20:35,008
Power is not everything.
Sometimes you need to be subtle.
335
00:20:35,095 --> 00:20:38,451
You can't sing everything
like it's bloody "Mustang Sally".
336
00:20:43,655 --> 00:20:46,044
OK, Clive.
337
00:20:46,135 --> 00:20:49,764
You. Over here. Please.
Quickly. Quick sharp. Yeah.
338
00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:53,973
OK, so Byron's just spent the night
with a prostitute.
339
00:20:54,055 --> 00:20:56,967
As he leaves in the morning,
I thought you could just turn,
340
00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:59,250
throw the money on the floor
with contempt,
341
00:20:59,335 --> 00:21:01,565
then say,
"Thank you for your hospitality."
342
00:21:01,655 --> 00:21:05,648
- I'm not very happy with this.
- It's a little bit aggressive, but...
343
00:21:05,735 --> 00:21:08,966
No, this one being the prostitute.
344
00:21:09,055 --> 00:21:11,774
I wouldn't pay for that.
345
00:21:12,215 --> 00:21:14,570
- Right.
- There's got to be a better one.
346
00:21:14,655 --> 00:21:19,968
Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload
of absolute hogs. This is the best one.
347
00:21:20,055 --> 00:21:22,250
Really? Jesus.
348
00:21:23,895 --> 00:21:29,413
I don't want to be difficult, but I would
never pay for a prostitute like that.
349
00:21:29,495 --> 00:21:33,170
What if she wasn't a prostitute? What if
she was just a slut, so it was free?
350
00:21:33,255 --> 00:21:35,769
- Yeah, I still could do better, though.
- Hm.
351
00:21:35,855 --> 00:21:39,768
OK, what if she is a prostitute,
but you just refuse to pay?
352
00:21:39,855 --> 00:21:44,485
You don't throw money on the floor, you
throw food, and make her eat it like a dog.
353
00:21:44,575 --> 00:21:48,648
I wouldn't throw the food on the floor,
I'd throw it in her face.
354
00:21:48,735 --> 00:21:52,011
OK, what food would you throw?
I've got to get Props onto that.
355
00:21:52,095 --> 00:21:55,883
It should be some kind of gruel,
as if I found some oats on the stable floor.
356
00:21:55,975 --> 00:21:58,887
Mix it with some shit,
and, like, wet cabbage.
357
00:21:58,975 --> 00:22:02,445
What would be great is
when it plaps into her face,
358
00:22:02,535 --> 00:22:05,971
- it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat.
- OK.
359
00:22:06,055 --> 00:22:10,606
No, I like that. OK, can we get the shit
and the dung and the cabbage together?
360
00:22:10,695 --> 00:22:12,765
- Make sure it sticks to the face.
- It will.
361
00:22:12,855 --> 00:22:14,811
Let's try that, then, please, yeah?
362
00:22:14,895 --> 00:22:17,170
- Excuse me.
- Mm?
363
00:22:17,695 --> 00:22:20,050
I'm not happy with that.
364
00:22:20,855 --> 00:22:23,653
- Sorry?
- I'm not happy with that.
365
00:22:23,735 --> 00:22:27,489
- I don't want the dung on my face.
- (woman) You get extra money.
366
00:22:27,575 --> 00:22:30,726
Don't care. Not bothered.
I just don't want to do it, full stop.
367
00:22:30,815 --> 00:22:34,251
Right, OK.
You either do it, or you go home.
368
00:22:40,055 --> 00:22:41,568
- OK.
- OK. Right...
369
00:22:41,655 --> 00:22:43,646
See you, then.
370
00:22:44,255 --> 00:22:46,689
Honestly, I mean,
you give these people a chance.
371
00:22:46,775 --> 00:22:50,370
Got to get another one.
OK, you. Over here, please. Yeah.
372
00:22:50,455 --> 00:22:54,846
Oh, fuck off! I'm Clive Owen.
That's mental!
373
00:23:14,255 --> 00:23:16,371
- I don't know who did your contracts...
- I did.
374
00:23:16,455 --> 00:23:18,571
...but the BBC
are taking the proverbial.
375
00:23:18,655 --> 00:23:21,965
Seriously, the money you're getting
for the show, it's an insult.
376
00:23:22,055 --> 00:23:24,694
We'll get this sorted for the next series.
377
00:23:24,775 --> 00:23:28,051
Not another series. I've been thinking
of knocking it on the head.
378
00:23:28,135 --> 00:23:31,093
But with the right management,
there's a lot of money...
379
00:23:31,175 --> 00:23:34,292
I don't care.
I want to do bigger and better stuff.
380
00:23:34,375 --> 00:23:38,129
Britain's number one catchphrase.
Is there an Oscar for that? No.
381
00:23:38,215 --> 00:23:41,366
They are thinking of introducing
a British Comedy Award for it.
382
00:23:41,455 --> 00:23:45,494
Of course they are.
Look, I want to hold my head up.
383
00:23:45,575 --> 00:23:48,248
To me, saying you've got
Britain's number one catchphrase
384
00:23:48,335 --> 00:23:52,453
is like saying you've got
Britain's number one wasting disease.
385
00:23:52,535 --> 00:23:54,605
But you're not number one any more.
386
00:23:54,695 --> 00:23:58,973
- I'm not?
- You're not number one any more.
387
00:23:59,055 --> 00:24:03,014
Good. To be totally...
Who's number one?
388
00:24:03,095 --> 00:24:06,485
- Oh, er, it's "Am I bovvered?"
- What, am I number two or something?
389
00:24:06,575 --> 00:24:08,805
Number two is,
"You are the weakest link."
390
00:24:08,895 --> 00:24:10,726
Number three is,
"Are you having a laugh?"
391
00:24:10,815 --> 00:24:14,364
In at number three. It changes,
depending what survey you're doing.
392
00:24:14,455 --> 00:24:18,209
- What survey's that?
- A survey of 8-11 year olds.
393
00:24:19,135 --> 00:24:21,695
If they want catchphrases,
I'll give them catchphrases.
394
00:24:21,775 --> 00:24:25,768
- I don't get it!
- Is he having a laugh?
395
00:24:25,855 --> 00:24:29,052
- I need a man!
- Join the queue!
396
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:32,286
- Ooh!
- Ooh, bugger me!
397
00:24:33,055 --> 00:24:35,808
He's out and about!
398
00:24:35,895 --> 00:24:38,887
(audience laughs and applauds)
399
00:24:39,535 --> 00:24:41,651
♪ Christmas time
400
00:24:41,735 --> 00:24:43,373
♪ Mistletoe and wine
401
00:24:43,455 --> 00:24:45,810
♪ Children singing Christian rhyme
402
00:24:45,895 --> 00:24:47,965
(both) ♪ With logs on the fire
403
00:24:48,055 --> 00:24:49,966
♪ And gifts 'neath the tree
404
00:24:50,055 --> 00:24:52,888
- Any messages, mate?
- Yeah, a couple. BT called.
405
00:24:52,975 --> 00:24:54,408
- British Telecom?
- Oh, yeah!
406
00:24:54,495 --> 00:24:56,406
- What for?
- Are you happy with the service?
407
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,851
- Very happy.
- They wanted to talk to you specifically.
408
00:24:59,935 --> 00:25:02,005
They would do,
cos my name's on the bill.
409
00:25:02,095 --> 00:25:04,484
You could have
free evening and weekend calls.
410
00:25:04,575 --> 00:25:07,009
Could I?
Do they want me to call back?
411
00:25:07,095 --> 00:25:09,450
- They'll call back.
- I don't mind calling them.
412
00:25:09,535 --> 00:25:12,254
I said you'd be back at two.
It's ten to now, so just wait.
413
00:25:12,335 --> 00:25:14,974
I'll wait till just after two,
then give them a bell.
414
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:17,285
- It's an 0800 number, so...
- Free.
415
00:25:17,375 --> 00:25:20,333
- Anything else? Any...
- Yes. Andy's new agent called.
416
00:25:20,415 --> 00:25:26,126
Andy's fired you, so you're no longer to
have any dealings with him whatsoever.
417
00:25:26,215 --> 00:25:28,604
Sorry, I was thinking about the free calls.
418
00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:31,129
Andy Millman. He's fired you.
419
00:25:31,215 --> 00:25:34,093
- What do you mean?
- You're no longer his agent.
420
00:25:34,175 --> 00:25:38,691
- Why did you tell me the BT stuff first?
- I'm doing it in chronological order.
421
00:25:38,775 --> 00:25:41,130
I was all excited about BT.
Now I'm depressed.
422
00:25:41,215 --> 00:25:45,845
Look, if I'd have said, "Number one,
Andy's fired you, number two, BT rang,"
423
00:25:45,935 --> 00:25:49,564
the good news would have been soured
by the bad news anyway.
424
00:25:51,975 --> 00:25:54,887
He's fired me?
425
00:25:59,775 --> 00:26:03,484
Let me ask you this. Where do you
want to be in five years' time?
426
00:26:03,575 --> 00:26:07,250
Sat at home in my mansion,
watching my butler polish my Oscar.
427
00:26:07,335 --> 00:26:10,327
- Erm...
- Thinking big. Nothing wrong with that.
428
00:26:10,415 --> 00:26:14,488
- But, first things first. Excuse me.
- (phone rings)
429
00:26:14,575 --> 00:26:17,043
- Yeah?
- (woman) Richard Curtis for you.
430
00:26:17,135 --> 00:26:20,411
- Does he want to talk about Africa again?
- I think so.
431
00:26:20,495 --> 00:26:22,690
Tell him to donate profits
from The Vicar of Dibley.
432
00:26:22,775 --> 00:26:25,209
- They'll be eating like Dawn in no time.
- Harsh.
433
00:26:25,295 --> 00:26:29,652
Life's cruel. Listen, tell him you can't get
hold of me. Tell him I'm snowboarding.
434
00:26:29,735 --> 00:26:30,884
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
435
00:26:30,975 --> 00:26:35,491
We need to boost your profile. Success
is all about getting your face seen.
436
00:26:35,575 --> 00:26:39,363
Truth is, at the moment, Andy,
you're kind of C-list. Top of the C-list.
437
00:26:39,455 --> 00:26:44,210
I'm going to get you on top of the A-list.
Now, I can't do that overnight.
438
00:26:44,295 --> 00:26:47,970
We can get you to the top of the B-list
by having you seen out and about.
439
00:26:48,055 --> 00:26:51,365
Movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings,
stuff like that.
440
00:26:51,455 --> 00:26:53,286
- You're single, aren't you?
- Yeah.
441
00:26:53,375 --> 00:26:55,093
Good. What I want you to do
442
00:26:55,175 --> 00:26:59,691
is be seen coming out of clubs
with some newsworthy trollops.
443
00:26:59,775 --> 00:27:03,529
Have you shagged
any of those tabloid beauties?
444
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,883
- No.
- Not even her?
445
00:27:07,975 --> 00:27:09,294
- No.
- She's had everyone.
446
00:27:09,375 --> 00:27:11,366
- Not me.
- What have you been doing?
447
00:27:11,455 --> 00:27:14,015
She's got a cancellation.
We'll set something up.
448
00:27:14,095 --> 00:27:17,883
- No, I don't want to do it that way.
- Do you want to get on the B-list or not?
449
00:27:17,975 --> 00:27:20,250
Yeah, but not the hepatitis B list.
450
00:27:20,335 --> 00:27:25,250
Right. OK, that's not a problem. I've got
some contacts at the broadsheets.
451
00:27:25,335 --> 00:27:28,452
Paula. Can you get me Emily Whitford
at the Guardian, please?
452
00:27:31,375 --> 00:27:34,173
(♪ "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush)
453
00:27:58,535 --> 00:28:01,447
- So, what do you do?
- I was a film extra.
454
00:28:01,535 --> 00:28:03,491
- Oh. Glamorous.
- It's not really.
455
00:28:03,575 --> 00:28:05,964
I'm not doing it any more.
It's too depressing.
456
00:28:06,055 --> 00:28:08,774
I'm too old to be at the bottom,
being told what to do,
457
00:28:08,855 --> 00:28:11,813
scrabbling about in the dirt
for a few quid an hour.
458
00:28:11,895 --> 00:28:14,568
- What do you do now?
- I'm a cleaner.
459
00:28:16,335 --> 00:28:19,850
I scrabble about in the dirt
for a few quid an hour.
460
00:28:20,775 --> 00:28:23,892
OK. So, here's the place.
461
00:28:25,535 --> 00:28:28,049
Here we go.
462
00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:50,165
Carpets.
463
00:28:53,415 --> 00:28:57,010
- Spider?
- Yep. Won't be bothering you any more.
464
00:28:57,095 --> 00:29:00,132
No.
Are you just gonna leave it there?
465
00:29:00,215 --> 00:29:03,332
- If you want.
- No, I don't. Not particularly.
466
00:29:03,415 --> 00:29:08,364
Fine. Well, that'll all be
professionally cleaned. Scraped off.
467
00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:12,130
- Where's the bedroom?
- It's all in here.
468
00:29:12,215 --> 00:29:15,890
- What, this is it?
- Tiny little kitchen over here.
469
00:29:15,975 --> 00:29:18,443
And there is the lavatory.
470
00:29:18,535 --> 00:29:21,254
Everything you need.
You'd never have to leave.
471
00:29:21,335 --> 00:29:26,409
If the worst comes to the worst, if you
were bedridden with a spinal injury,
472
00:29:26,495 --> 00:29:29,805
then it's all here, should that happen.
473
00:29:29,895 --> 00:29:32,204
Where do I sleep?
474
00:29:39,735 --> 00:29:44,684
Look at that. Now, that's good, isn't it?
That's like James Bond or something.
475
00:29:44,775 --> 00:29:48,370
From Russia with Love?
No, erm... Live and Let Die.
476
00:29:48,455 --> 00:29:50,685
I can't put anything
underneath that, can I?
477
00:29:50,775 --> 00:29:53,414
Of course. Coffee table.
Move it before you go to bed.
478
00:29:53,495 --> 00:29:58,410
- What, every single night?
- A chimpanzee makes a nest every night.
479
00:29:58,495 --> 00:30:03,046
I hadn't planned
to live like a chimpanzee.
480
00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:07,287
Well, this is the only place
in your price range, really.
481
00:30:07,815 --> 00:30:13,128
- What's the area like, then?
- OK, I'm going to be honest with you.
482
00:30:13,215 --> 00:30:15,445
There is a large black
and Asian community.
483
00:30:15,535 --> 00:30:20,086
There's some Chinese, and it does get
very Araby towards the high street.
484
00:30:20,175 --> 00:30:23,565
No, what is it like in terms of amenities?
Is there a supermarket?
485
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,885
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Supermarkets, yes.
486
00:30:25,975 --> 00:30:30,890
There's loads of lovely different shops
around here. It's very cosmopolitan.
487
00:30:30,975 --> 00:30:33,967
- Do you like Chinese food? Asian food?
- Yes.
488
00:30:34,055 --> 00:30:38,526
Good for halal meats. Do you like jerk
chicken just like Mama used to make?
489
00:30:38,615 --> 00:30:44,850
There's one of those. Erm... in fact,
you can probably see it from the window.
490
00:30:44,935 --> 00:30:47,130
Yep. There it is.
491
00:30:52,735 --> 00:30:54,930
(door bell)
492
00:30:58,495 --> 00:31:01,567
- We said three o'clock.
- Sorry. I've been looking at flats.
493
00:31:01,655 --> 00:31:05,091
- I'm gonna have to downsize.
- I'm about to do an interview.
494
00:31:05,175 --> 00:31:09,054
Weekend Guardian, good publicity,
"man behind the silly wig" and all that.
495
00:31:09,135 --> 00:31:11,649
- Once she gets here, open the door.
- No! Why me?
496
00:31:11,735 --> 00:31:13,965
- Say you're my PA.
- Oh, no!
497
00:31:14,055 --> 00:31:16,046
Give the illusion of success.
498
00:31:16,135 --> 00:31:18,854
Then when we're in there,
come in and go, "Andy, sorry."
499
00:31:18,935 --> 00:31:20,846
- "Ridley Scott's on the phone."
- Who?
500
00:31:20,935 --> 00:31:22,414
- Ridley Scott.
- Who's that?
501
00:31:22,495 --> 00:31:24,725
Director.
Gladiator, Blade Runner...
502
00:31:24,815 --> 00:31:27,727
- When's he gonna call?
- He's not really gonna call.
503
00:31:27,815 --> 00:31:30,249
- No.
- You say he's on the phone,
504
00:31:30,335 --> 00:31:34,567
and then she'll think I'm a player.
That's her. Right. OK.
505
00:31:34,655 --> 00:31:38,330
Answer the door, and just
look a bit secretarial. Just...
506
00:31:38,415 --> 00:31:40,610
(door bell)
507
00:31:43,615 --> 00:31:45,128
- (Maggie) Hello.
- (woman) Hi.
508
00:31:45,215 --> 00:31:48,048
(Maggie) If you'd like to come this way.
509
00:31:48,135 --> 00:31:50,171
- (woman) Andy.
- Hi.
510
00:31:52,895 --> 00:31:53,930
Wha...
511
00:31:54,015 --> 00:31:55,414
(mouths)
512
00:31:57,375 --> 00:31:59,764
Thank you, Mr Millman.
513
00:32:00,575 --> 00:32:01,724
Thanks for doing this.
514
00:32:01,815 --> 00:32:04,966
(deep voice) My pleasure.
Welcome to my humble abode.
515
00:32:05,055 --> 00:32:09,173
- You don't talk like I thought you would.
- You've probably seen me in character.
516
00:32:09,255 --> 00:32:11,325
No, I've seen you on chat shows.
517
00:32:11,415 --> 00:32:14,930
But there's Andy the writer,
Andy the actor, Andy the charity worker.
518
00:32:15,015 --> 00:32:16,767
- What's that?
- (normal voice) Slash.
519
00:32:16,855 --> 00:32:19,323
That's how I thought you talked.
520
00:32:19,415 --> 00:32:21,804
- How do you want me to talk?
- Like you're at home.
521
00:32:21,895 --> 00:32:24,887
- I am at home.
- Just speak like that, then.
522
00:32:24,975 --> 00:32:27,728
Tone it down. OK, come on.
523
00:32:27,815 --> 00:32:31,603
So, you mentioned your charity work.
What charities are you involved with?
524
00:32:31,695 --> 00:32:35,244
Africa. The main one
that people care about, innit?
525
00:32:35,335 --> 00:32:38,407
You're not going to release
an awful comedy single, are you?
526
00:32:38,495 --> 00:32:41,965
- Just so you can boost your profile?
- Not just so I can boost my profile.
527
00:32:42,055 --> 00:32:45,411
- So you are releasing a comedy single.
- It's not... It's me as Ray.
528
00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:47,406
I'm doing a cover of "9 to 5".
529
00:32:47,495 --> 00:32:51,727
And it's a fun video,
cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it.
530
00:32:51,815 --> 00:32:55,285
We've got, er, Craig Charles,
Sam Fox, Jade Goody's mum.
531
00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:59,493
- God! Bunch of saddos.
- Well, the good ones didn't want to do it.
532
00:32:59,575 --> 00:33:02,647
We had to use lookalikes
for some of them. They'll be sorry.
533
00:33:02,735 --> 00:33:04,726
When it gets to number one.
534
00:33:04,815 --> 00:33:08,330
So let's not slag it off
before it saves some Ethiopians.
535
00:33:11,615 --> 00:33:15,210
- You in a hurry?
- Sorry. I've got another interview to get to.
536
00:33:15,295 --> 00:33:17,650
- I'm a little nervous.
- What, about meeting me?
537
00:33:17,735 --> 00:33:20,772
- God, no. Have you see the Byron film?
- Yep.
538
00:33:20,855 --> 00:33:24,291
- I'm interviewing Greg Lindley Jones.
- Why you nervous about that?
539
00:33:24,375 --> 00:33:28,448
He's got such a sort of brooding intensity.
He's like a young Russell Crowe.
540
00:33:28,535 --> 00:33:30,969
Aahhh, he's more like
a young Russell Grant.
541
00:33:31,055 --> 00:33:33,853
Not slagging him off,
but let's not...
542
00:33:33,935 --> 00:33:37,086
- The phone call's just come in.
- Oh, who is it?
543
00:33:37,535 --> 00:33:39,526
- Is it Wiggly Scott?
- Ridley Scott.
544
00:33:39,615 --> 00:33:42,971
The, erm, award-winning director
of Gladiator and Blade Runner.
545
00:33:43,055 --> 00:33:46,172
What does he want? Cheers.
Sorry about this.
546
00:33:46,255 --> 00:33:48,849
Hey, Ridley. I can't talk now.
I'm with a journo.
547
00:33:48,935 --> 00:33:51,449
- Say hello from me.
- What?
548
00:33:51,535 --> 00:33:55,767
We know each other from Cannes.
Say hello from me. Emily Whitford.
549
00:33:55,855 --> 00:33:58,415
- Emily Whitford.
- What's he saying?
550
00:33:58,495 --> 00:34:00,929
- Nothing.
- Ask him how his ankle is. He'll laugh.
551
00:34:01,015 --> 00:34:03,449
Will he?
552
00:34:03,535 --> 00:34:06,686
- How's your ankle?
- Is he laughing?
553
00:34:06,775 --> 00:34:09,084
- Sort of.
- Let me speak to him.
554
00:34:09,175 --> 00:34:11,131
- What?
- Let her speak to him.
555
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:14,412
- Let me speak to him.
- Hold on. All right.
556
00:34:17,495 --> 00:34:21,124
OK. Oh, what's he done? Hung up?
Why has he done that?
557
00:34:21,215 --> 00:34:23,490
Sorry about that.
Cheers.
558
00:34:25,935 --> 00:34:30,690
- Can I ask you a few questions?
- I'm not very good at general knowledge.
559
00:34:30,775 --> 00:34:33,653
- No, about working for Andy.
- Probably not a good idea.
560
00:34:33,735 --> 00:34:38,889
- Also, if you're in a hurry... That was...
- So how long have you worked for Andy?
561
00:34:38,975 --> 00:34:41,933
- Three hours.
- No. Think.
562
00:34:42,015 --> 00:34:44,449
- No.
- What's she talking about?
563
00:34:44,535 --> 00:34:48,608
- Just be honest. Go on.
- Three... ears.
564
00:34:49,335 --> 00:34:52,407
No. Three years.
That makes more sense.
565
00:34:52,495 --> 00:34:56,852
- Certainly.
- And what's he like as a boss?
566
00:34:56,935 --> 00:34:59,813
- A wanker.
- No. No, she didn't mean that.
567
00:34:59,895 --> 00:35:03,331
Listen. Listen. Listen to her.
568
00:35:03,855 --> 00:35:06,892
- He plays darts all the time.
- I love darts.
569
00:35:06,975 --> 00:35:11,491
I don't know why. I just...
I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow.
570
00:35:11,575 --> 00:35:13,372
- Is she actually your PA?
- Is she?
571
00:35:13,455 --> 00:35:16,447
- Is she actually your PA?
- Who?
572
00:35:16,535 --> 00:35:18,685
That lady there.
Is she actually your PA?
573
00:35:18,775 --> 00:35:20,970
I don't know
what you mean by "actually".
574
00:35:21,055 --> 00:35:23,285
- Do you employ her?
- "Employment" is a strong term.
575
00:35:23,375 --> 00:35:27,448
- Strong in what sense?
- It's a bit weird to ask about a PA.
576
00:35:27,535 --> 00:35:29,810
It's just clarification, really.
577
00:35:29,895 --> 00:35:33,524
You've heard her say she's my PA, so
what do you assess the situation to be?
578
00:35:33,615 --> 00:35:37,733
- I get the impression she's not your PA.
- Opposite impression I'd want.
579
00:35:37,815 --> 00:35:41,205
- Did Ridley Scott actually phone you?
- Are you calling her a liar?
580
00:35:41,295 --> 00:35:43,855
So he'll remember phoning you,
if I speak to him?
581
00:35:43,935 --> 00:35:46,403
- What's his memory like?
- You spoke to him earlier.
582
00:35:46,495 --> 00:35:48,087
Yeah. Couldn't hear him.
583
00:35:48,175 --> 00:35:52,054
- You were relaying my messages to him.
- Yes. Well done.
584
00:35:52,135 --> 00:35:55,571
And I'm saying now,
admitting I couldn't hear a word.
585
00:35:56,135 --> 00:36:00,094
Could you just answer the question?
Is she your PA?
586
00:36:00,175 --> 00:36:02,006
(sighs)
587
00:36:03,815 --> 00:36:06,488
(laughs weakly)
No, it's a joke.
588
00:36:08,695 --> 00:36:11,812
Course she's pretending.
It's a wind-up.
589
00:36:11,895 --> 00:36:14,568
- We always do it to journalists.
- You always do it?
590
00:36:14,655 --> 00:36:16,885
What do you mean by "always"?
591
00:36:16,975 --> 00:36:20,650
- Do you need a PA in real life, Andy?
- No.
592
00:36:20,735 --> 00:36:23,124
Cos I could do with the money.
593
00:36:27,415 --> 00:36:30,885
- Shall I pack that?
- Yep. May as well.
594
00:36:30,975 --> 00:36:33,489
Bought that as a gift for Andy.
Didn't want it.
595
00:36:33,575 --> 00:36:36,612
Wasn't interested. Should have known
something was brewing.
596
00:36:36,695 --> 00:36:40,051
- How about these?
- Nothing in 'em.
597
00:36:40,135 --> 00:36:44,925
Just put 'em up there cos the local kids
run by and peer in and shout insults.
598
00:36:45,015 --> 00:36:48,371
- Kids can be cruel, eh?
- Yeah, they can.
599
00:36:48,455 --> 00:36:50,411
- What did they say?
- You know.
600
00:36:50,495 --> 00:36:52,451
- What, "lanky four-eyed twat"?
- Yeah.
601
00:36:52,535 --> 00:36:54,844
- "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp"?
- Sometimes.
602
00:36:54,935 --> 00:36:58,644
- "Frankenstein's albino gonk"?
- I've never heard that one.
603
00:36:58,735 --> 00:37:02,410
It's so easy to have a go at a bloke
who looks like you. Just easy pickings.
604
00:37:02,495 --> 00:37:04,372
"Sheep shagger", sometimes.
605
00:37:04,455 --> 00:37:07,049
- "Sheep shagger" is Welsh.
- No, it can be Bristol.
606
00:37:07,135 --> 00:37:10,411
- Bristol is inbreeding.
- Sheep-shagging, inbreeding, slavery.
607
00:37:10,495 --> 00:37:14,966
- Famous for loads of stuff down there.
- Oh, right.
608
00:37:15,055 --> 00:37:16,932
- Bar?
- Yeah?
609
00:37:17,375 --> 00:37:20,572
I could do with a hug, mate.
610
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:22,452
Yeah.
611
00:37:25,935 --> 00:37:28,130
- Queers!
- Ignore him.
612
00:37:50,455 --> 00:37:53,527
Yeah. Show me the money.
613
00:37:53,615 --> 00:37:56,527
When the Whistle Blows.
BBC want a Christmas special.
614
00:37:56,615 --> 00:37:58,287
- No.
- No?
615
00:37:58,375 --> 00:38:00,525
- I don't want to do it.
- You'd be mad to say no.
616
00:38:00,615 --> 00:38:04,654
I don't care. That's it. I want to do
a Hollywood film or cool TV,
617
00:38:04,735 --> 00:38:06,771
- American TV.
- We've got cool TV over here.
618
00:38:06,855 --> 00:38:08,288
- Go on.
- I've had offers.
619
00:38:08,375 --> 00:38:11,014
- Want to be an alien in Doctor Who?
- No.
620
00:38:11,095 --> 00:38:13,609
They've offered you a guest part
in Hotel Babylon.
621
00:38:13,695 --> 00:38:15,731
What part of "cool"
don't you understand?
622
00:38:15,815 --> 00:38:18,375
- All right, well, we've had a movie offer.
- Right.
623
00:38:18,455 --> 00:38:22,050
British film. No, listen.
It's a comedy, starring Neil Morrissey -
624
00:38:22,135 --> 00:38:24,933
as a randy delivery man
who looks like the prime minister.
625
00:38:25,015 --> 00:38:28,610
- Neil will be playing both parts.
- Get me a Hollywood film.
626
00:38:30,615 --> 00:38:34,767
Andy, I don't think Martin Scorsese's
gonna be sitting in his London hotel room,
627
00:38:34,855 --> 00:38:38,609
flicking through the TV channels, going,
"Never seen this bloke before."
628
00:38:38,695 --> 00:38:41,050
- "I've got a wig that'll fit him."
- Why say that?
629
00:38:41,135 --> 00:38:44,889
- You have chosen a very specific path.
- And I want to get off it.
630
00:38:44,975 --> 00:38:47,364
If it takes that to get respect,
I'll finish it.
631
00:38:47,455 --> 00:38:50,652
I don't want to come up with
more characters with catchphrases
632
00:38:50,735 --> 00:38:53,408
to enhance my reputation
amongst kids and morons.
633
00:38:53,495 --> 00:38:57,773
I want to do something credible. I might
want to direct one day. I need respect.
634
00:38:57,855 --> 00:39:00,927
- So I'm finishing the sitcom.
- That's killing a cash cow.
635
00:39:01,015 --> 00:39:04,610
I'm ending the sitcom.
There you go. Done.
636
00:39:04,695 --> 00:39:06,447
You could do that.
637
00:39:06,535 --> 00:39:10,847
Or you could think,
"People are still watching. Let's milk it."
638
00:39:10,935 --> 00:39:13,654
People keep watching it.
Let's keep giving it to them.
639
00:39:13,735 --> 00:39:18,490
They've seen it all before. Everything.
Every sketch slightly rewritten.
640
00:39:18,575 --> 00:39:22,648
Every catch... They've heard every
catchphrase shouted a thousand times.
641
00:39:22,735 --> 00:39:26,569
Yes. But... have they seen
an episode set in Spain?
642
00:39:26,735 --> 00:39:28,646
(♪ flamenco guitar)
643
00:39:33,215 --> 00:39:35,854
That's great. Thanks.
644
00:39:39,295 --> 00:39:41,570
Excuse me.
Andy, sorry to bother you.
645
00:39:41,655 --> 00:39:44,453
I'm an extra,
but I'm an actor, really.
646
00:39:44,535 --> 00:39:49,768
I know you've been in my position,
and I was wondering, if there's a few lines,
647
00:39:49,855 --> 00:39:51,811
I'd appreciate the opportunity.
648
00:39:51,895 --> 00:39:54,170
I'm not involved with casting.
What's your name?
649
00:39:54,255 --> 00:39:58,134
- Phil.
- I'll have a word with the floor manager.
650
00:39:58,215 --> 00:40:02,686
- Thanks a lot. Sorry to bother you.
- It's all right.
651
00:40:07,295 --> 00:40:09,490
- Why are the extras coming up to me?
- Sorry?
652
00:40:09,575 --> 00:40:13,488
Why are the extras bothering me?
Why aren't they in their paddock?
653
00:40:13,575 --> 00:40:16,487
They look up to you
cos you were in their boat a while ago.
654
00:40:16,575 --> 00:40:19,453
So shall I sit with them
and reminisce about old times?
655
00:40:19,535 --> 00:40:22,686
Or shall I get on with my job
that pays their wages and yours?
656
00:40:22,775 --> 00:40:26,131
- Sorry. I didn't realise.
- OK.
657
00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:31,164
- I'll, er... I'll tell him not to do it again.
- He won't do it again. He won't be here.
658
00:40:31,255 --> 00:40:33,450
- OK.
- Yeah?
659
00:40:40,735 --> 00:40:43,124
(Phil) What?
What do you mean?
660
00:41:03,575 --> 00:41:06,214
Hey, my man. Hello there.
Darren Lamb.
661
00:41:06,295 --> 00:41:08,331
I'm here to see Andy Millman,
When the Wind Blows.
662
00:41:08,415 --> 00:41:10,770
- Whistle.
- If I could just...
663
00:41:10,855 --> 00:41:15,053
- Do you have a pass?
- No. I'm a friend of his. I'll just go in.
664
00:41:15,135 --> 00:41:18,764
- I can't let anyone in without a pass.
- No?
665
00:41:18,855 --> 00:41:21,494
We are friends,
but we've had a bit of a falling out.
666
00:41:21,575 --> 00:41:24,214
I don't want to hassle you with it,
but if I could...
667
00:41:24,295 --> 00:41:27,128
- I can't help you. Sorry, sir.
- All right.
668
00:41:28,055 --> 00:41:30,649
Thanks a lot.
669
00:41:33,575 --> 00:41:35,566
Aargh! Crikey!
670
00:41:42,655 --> 00:41:45,647
- What's happened?
- I think we both know what's happened.
671
00:41:45,735 --> 00:41:49,853
I've tried to jump over the barrier,
and that hasn't really pan out as I'd hoped.
672
00:41:49,935 --> 00:41:54,884
And so if you just let me free, I'll just
go home and say nothing more about it.
673
00:41:54,975 --> 00:41:58,251
- That sounds like a plan, doesn't it?
- What are you doing?
674
00:41:58,335 --> 00:42:00,610
Mate, I know this woman.
They won't let me in.
675
00:42:00,695 --> 00:42:03,528
- Have you not got a pass?
- No. I was just trying to see Andy.
676
00:42:03,615 --> 00:42:06,004
Every time I phone him,
it's always on voicemail.
677
00:42:06,095 --> 00:42:08,211
- Could she walk me in?
- Not without a pass.
678
00:42:08,295 --> 00:42:11,207
- It's all about the pass with you.
- Can I get him a pass?
679
00:42:11,295 --> 00:42:14,014
- Yeah, why not.
- I'll get a pass from Andy. Wait there.
680
00:42:14,095 --> 00:42:15,972
Cheers.
681
00:42:23,055 --> 00:42:27,890
Ooh, there you are. I've just seen Darren
out there, and he says he can't get in.
682
00:42:27,975 --> 00:42:31,445
- Why are you telling me?
- He says your phone's switched off.
683
00:42:31,535 --> 00:42:34,971
No, it's not. I just don't answer
when I see it's him.
684
00:42:35,055 --> 00:42:37,205
Can we get him a pass
and he can sit at the back?
685
00:42:37,295 --> 00:42:41,573
- I don't want him in here.
- But I told him I would get him in.
686
00:42:41,655 --> 00:42:43,805
Well, you lied.
687
00:42:43,895 --> 00:42:46,967
- He says he really wants to see you.
- Life's cruel.
688
00:42:47,055 --> 00:42:50,286
So I've got to go and tell him
he can't get in?
689
00:42:50,375 --> 00:42:52,411
And, Maggie.
690
00:42:52,495 --> 00:42:55,567
- You can't keep coming up to me.
- I can't what?
691
00:42:55,655 --> 00:42:57,691
Not in front of the extras.
692
00:42:57,775 --> 00:43:01,688
They see you, they go, "She's an extra.
She's his equal, maybe we are."
693
00:43:01,775 --> 00:43:04,243
- I'm not an extra.
- No, you were.
694
00:43:05,415 --> 00:43:07,485
So were you.
695
00:43:08,455 --> 00:43:10,730
I'm a little bit busy.
696
00:43:19,255 --> 00:43:24,090
- All right?
- Yeah. Er, Andy can't get you a pass.
697
00:43:24,175 --> 00:43:27,611
He said he's really sorry, and that
he would love to have you in there,
698
00:43:27,695 --> 00:43:31,574
but he just can't bend the rules.
699
00:43:31,655 --> 00:43:34,852
Fire regulations or something.
700
00:43:34,935 --> 00:43:38,211
Makes sense. I imagine the regulations
are quite strict at the BBC.
701
00:43:38,295 --> 00:43:41,651
- Yeah.
- All right. Well, thanks for trying.
702
00:43:42,175 --> 00:43:43,654
It's OK.
703
00:43:43,735 --> 00:43:46,010
- Nice to see you again.
- You, too.
704
00:43:46,095 --> 00:43:48,245
Bye.
705
00:44:03,175 --> 00:44:05,166
(♪ "When the Whistle Blows" theme)
706
00:44:05,255 --> 00:44:09,407
Ooh. Oh, it's good to be back.
But what a perfect holiday.
707
00:44:09,495 --> 00:44:13,249
- Everything has worked out brilliantly.
- It certainly has.
708
00:44:13,335 --> 00:44:16,407
I'm getting married
to the man of my dreams.
709
00:44:16,495 --> 00:44:18,611
I got that promotion I wanted.
710
00:44:18,695 --> 00:44:22,927
And ever since Gobbler fell off
that donkey, he's not been the same.
711
00:44:23,015 --> 00:44:26,212
Indeed not.
As Confucius once said:
712
00:44:26,295 --> 00:44:31,244
"They must often change, who would be
constant in happiness and wisdom."
713
00:44:31,335 --> 00:44:33,246
I don't get it!
714
00:44:33,335 --> 00:44:36,054
Brains is much happier
now that he's out of the closet.
715
00:44:36,135 --> 00:44:42,085
Oh, I am. In fact, last night, I went
on a wonderful date with a lovely man.
716
00:44:42,175 --> 00:44:47,772
He took me to a seafood restaurant,
fed me my favourite meal.
717
00:44:47,855 --> 00:44:50,892
- Fish stew?
- No, he certainly did not!
718
00:44:51,735 --> 00:44:56,650
- It was our first date!
- I didn't mean, "Did he fi..." I meant...
719
00:44:56,735 --> 00:44:59,852
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?
720
00:44:59,935 --> 00:45:02,085
(audience laughter)
721
00:45:02,175 --> 00:45:04,450
- Now he gets it.
- I get it.
722
00:45:04,535 --> 00:45:06,810
- I'm getting it.
- We're all getting it!
723
00:45:06,895 --> 00:45:09,090
(audience laughter)
724
00:45:13,935 --> 00:45:17,291
Merry Christmas, everyone!
725
00:45:17,375 --> 00:45:19,366
(wild applause)
726
00:45:29,535 --> 00:45:32,652
Thank you. Thank you.
727
00:45:32,735 --> 00:45:34,487
- Thank you.
- (woman) We love you!
728
00:45:34,575 --> 00:45:37,089
- Thank you.
- (man) "Are you having a laugh?"
729
00:45:37,175 --> 00:45:42,454
Well, I'm not, actually, which is why
this'll be the last ever episode.
730
00:45:42,535 --> 00:45:47,563
Yeah, I, er... Well, I'll never have to
wear this stupid wig again.
731
00:45:50,575 --> 00:45:53,373
Oh... Erm...
732
00:45:53,455 --> 00:45:56,492
Truth be told,
it's gone on for far too long.
733
00:45:56,575 --> 00:45:59,806
- I think three series is enough for anyone.
- (man) "I don't get it!"
734
00:45:59,895 --> 00:46:03,285
- Not enough for some people.
- (man) Why you stopping the show?
735
00:46:03,375 --> 00:46:07,163
Because it's not what I wanted to do,
you know, with my life.
736
00:46:07,255 --> 00:46:12,534
Shout a catchphrase
to a load of morons for a living. No...
737
00:46:12,615 --> 00:46:14,333
Well, don't...
738
00:46:14,415 --> 00:46:16,770
Er... Merry Christmas.
739
00:46:22,935 --> 00:46:24,004
- Thank you.
- What?
740
00:46:24,095 --> 00:46:28,247
You've just announced to the audience
that you're quitting the show,
741
00:46:28,335 --> 00:46:31,327
- without consulting us.
- It's nothing to do with you.
742
00:46:31,415 --> 00:46:33,929
- What do you mean?
- If I want to stop it, that's it.
743
00:46:34,015 --> 00:46:36,654
It's the lack of professionalism.
It's the arrogance.
744
00:46:36,735 --> 00:46:41,206
Whoa! When I first got into this, you were
the great "I am", holding me to ransom.
745
00:46:41,295 --> 00:46:42,648
- Now you don't like it.
- No.
746
00:46:42,735 --> 00:46:46,125
If I want to stop, I'll stop.
I want to do other stuff. I want to move on.
747
00:46:46,215 --> 00:46:48,729
You stay here.
Scrabble around, chasing ratings.
748
00:46:48,815 --> 00:46:51,966
- I want to do something else.
- Interesting way of looking at it.
749
00:46:52,055 --> 00:46:55,013
- After everything we've done for you!
- Oh! Life's cruel.
750
00:46:55,095 --> 00:46:56,653
Yes, it can be. Good luck.
751
00:46:56,735 --> 00:46:59,613
You've got lots of things lined up,
have you?
752
00:46:59,695 --> 00:47:03,688
Don't worry about me.
Phone won't stop ringing.
753
00:47:18,735 --> 00:47:21,533
Tre Cooper, please.
Andy Millman.
754
00:47:23,055 --> 00:47:27,094
Yeah, good. Right, listen to this.
"What's hot: Greg Lindley Jones,
755
00:47:27,175 --> 00:47:29,564
who charmed the nation
on Desert Island Discs,
756
00:47:29,655 --> 00:47:33,409
with a stream of hilarious anecdotes
that recalled Peter Ustinov at his best."
757
00:47:33,495 --> 00:47:36,134
"What's not: Andy Millman.
'Are we having a laugh?"'
758
00:47:36,215 --> 00:47:39,969
"For about five minutes we were,
but his Christmas special hit a low."
759
00:47:40,055 --> 00:47:42,410
"The jokes were filthier
than Mrs Slocombe's pussy,
760
00:47:42,495 --> 00:47:44,292
and with no new projects,
761
00:47:44,375 --> 00:47:46,809
Millman is becoming
as out of date as his gags."
762
00:47:46,895 --> 00:47:50,046
You're meant to get me some work.
I quit the show three weeks ago.
763
00:47:58,535 --> 00:48:01,049
Excuse me. Is it OK if I go?
It's nearly half past.
764
00:48:01,135 --> 00:48:04,332
- (man) OK. See you tomorrow.
- Thanks.
765
00:48:21,295 --> 00:48:24,446
- Hi.
- Where you been? You're late.
766
00:48:24,535 --> 00:48:26,014
Sorry.
767
00:48:26,095 --> 00:48:31,453
- Look at this. Worst table.
- I'm just happy to be sitting down.
768
00:48:31,535 --> 00:48:34,003
Oh, look.
It's your friend, Vernon Kay.
769
00:48:34,095 --> 00:48:36,450
- Vernon!
- Hey, Danny Millman.
770
00:48:36,535 --> 00:48:39,493
- Andy.
- See you later.
771
00:48:40,175 --> 00:48:44,487
If he's forgetting my name,
how the hell is he gonna read an autocue?
772
00:48:45,175 --> 00:48:47,894
Look at this.
Guardian stitched me up.
773
00:48:47,975 --> 00:48:50,284
"There's a whiff of desperation
about Andy Millman."
774
00:48:50,375 --> 00:48:53,685
"Our interview was more bizarre
than When the Whistle Blows."
775
00:48:53,775 --> 00:48:56,653
"Every answer sounded like
a press release,
776
00:48:56,735 --> 00:49:00,774
full of boasts, hyperbole
and the occasional barefaced lie."
777
00:49:00,855 --> 00:49:02,846
"He seemed desperate
for the headline to be:
778
00:49:02,935 --> 00:49:07,053
'All's well in the Millman camp -
next stop, Hollywood."'
779
00:49:07,135 --> 00:49:10,571
- Oh, this is gonna be a fun lunch, then.
- Huh?
780
00:49:10,975 --> 00:49:13,364
We never seem
to have a laugh any more.
781
00:49:13,455 --> 00:49:16,811
When you had nothing and we were
extras, we had more of a laugh.
782
00:49:16,895 --> 00:49:20,012
No, we didn't.
I hated it. It was shit.
783
00:49:20,095 --> 00:49:22,484
Oh. OK.
784
00:49:22,575 --> 00:49:25,487
- I was always moaning.
- You're always moaning now.
785
00:49:25,575 --> 00:49:30,569
You moan about the Ray dolls,
but they did buy your house.
786
00:49:30,655 --> 00:49:35,012
You moan about the sitcom. It gets six
million viewers, but the wrong six million.
787
00:49:35,095 --> 00:49:37,404
At least it gets six million viewers.
788
00:49:37,495 --> 00:49:43,127
At least you've accomplished something,
even if it's not exactly what you wanted.
789
00:49:43,215 --> 00:49:47,288
I've accomplished nothing.
I have brought nothing to the world.
790
00:49:47,375 --> 00:49:52,495
Look at that. Harold Pinter and his wife.
Having lunch with Geri Halliwell.
791
00:49:52,575 --> 00:49:54,964
Why am I not over there?
792
00:49:56,335 --> 00:49:59,247
- Don't know. Do you like Geri Halliwell?
- No, not...
793
00:49:59,335 --> 00:50:02,611
No. Why am I not having lunch
with Harold Pinter and his wife?
794
00:50:02,695 --> 00:50:06,290
- Well, I'm sorry you're stuck at this table.
- Huh?
795
00:50:06,735 --> 00:50:10,728
I'm not sure you should even come here.
This place just seems to annoy you.
796
00:50:10,815 --> 00:50:13,773
You're always saying
he's got an acting part you wanted,
797
00:50:13,855 --> 00:50:16,892
or he's got credibility
and he doesn't deserve it.
798
00:50:16,975 --> 00:50:20,684
If you worry about things like that,
you're never gonna be happy.
799
00:50:20,775 --> 00:50:25,053
No matter how successful you are,
you'll never be famous enough.
800
00:50:26,735 --> 00:50:30,410
Thank you, Dr Freud.
Next conversation.
801
00:50:35,055 --> 00:50:36,534
What would you rather be -
802
00:50:36,615 --> 00:50:41,769
a penguin that can't fly, but it swims
in the water like a fish, but it is a bird,
803
00:50:41,855 --> 00:50:45,484
or a flying fish that can fly,
but it is essentially still...
804
00:50:45,575 --> 00:50:49,011
Oh, Maggie, I can't do these
stupid questions any more. Seriously.
805
00:50:49,095 --> 00:50:51,325
We're grown-ups.
806
00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:55,450
Ah, Andy Millman.
807
00:50:55,535 --> 00:50:59,892
You probably want to turn to page 17.
A perceptive interview with yours truly.
808
00:50:59,975 --> 00:51:03,763
- It says, "Next stop, Hollywood."
- I've seen it. Nice photo.
809
00:51:03,855 --> 00:51:07,370
Thank you. Yes, apparently,
I have a brooding intensity, so, er...
810
00:51:07,455 --> 00:51:09,446
Anyway, I'll love you and leave you.
811
00:51:09,535 --> 00:51:14,689
Don't let him have a pudding. Don't
want him bursting out all over the place.
812
00:51:26,335 --> 00:51:28,530
Cheers.
813
00:51:28,615 --> 00:51:31,687
- Want me to sign that?
- No, you're all right, mate. Cheers.
814
00:51:31,775 --> 00:51:37,168
There's no one else in there.
Well, you'll never get it filled, will you?
815
00:51:45,615 --> 00:51:46,889
- All right?
- How you doing?
816
00:51:46,975 --> 00:51:48,886
Just getting lunch. Filet-o-Fish.
817
00:51:48,975 --> 00:51:52,047
- Right. Yeah.
- Tasty. Good for you, ain't it, fish?
818
00:51:52,135 --> 00:51:54,285
You're meant to have
two portions a week.
819
00:51:54,375 --> 00:51:59,290
It's got fatty acids, which are very good
for you, apparently, and omega...
820
00:51:59,735 --> 00:52:02,124
- It's good.
- So...
821
00:52:02,215 --> 00:52:03,694
- You all right?
- Good.
822
00:52:03,775 --> 00:52:06,243
- Excellent.
- Better crack on.
823
00:52:06,335 --> 00:52:09,008
- It's quarter past two.
- You're not the boss of me.
824
00:52:09,095 --> 00:52:11,655
He's not the boss.
825
00:52:12,175 --> 00:52:14,006
- You all right, Andy?
- You all right?
826
00:52:14,095 --> 00:52:18,247
- You were due back 15 minutes ago.
- Keep your hair transplant on.
827
00:52:18,335 --> 00:52:21,168
- See you later.
- See you later.
828
00:52:22,295 --> 00:52:24,684
- You all right?
- Yeah. Good.
829
00:52:24,775 --> 00:52:26,925
- No hard feelings, you know?
- No, sure.
830
00:52:27,015 --> 00:52:32,294
- I needed someone to further my career.
- He wasn't the best agent in the world.
831
00:52:32,375 --> 00:52:36,084
- But he was loyal. And he tries hard.
- Yeah, yeah.
832
00:52:36,175 --> 00:52:40,885
Be careful, mate.
Fame is a mask that eats into the face.
833
00:52:42,135 --> 00:52:44,968
Barry, can you stop nattering?
Dean's got a question.
834
00:52:45,055 --> 00:52:48,252
Did you tell someone
the Nokia 8600 came with...
835
00:52:48,335 --> 00:52:51,407
Oh, hello, mate.
"Are you having a laugh?"
836
00:52:53,575 --> 00:52:58,854
- You always used to go on about him.
- I didn't mention him, really.
837
00:52:58,935 --> 00:53:01,130
- See you later.
- Yeah.
838
00:53:07,775 --> 00:53:11,006
- Were you really his agent once?
- Yes.
839
00:53:11,095 --> 00:53:14,053
- I need a new agent.
- Why?
840
00:53:14,135 --> 00:53:17,684
- I'm working in Carphone Warehouse.
- Oh, right, yeah.
841
00:53:23,055 --> 00:53:26,252
(♪ "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush)
842
00:54:39,326 --> 00:54:42,921
I quit the show five months ago.
I'm sat here like a lemon.
843
00:54:43,006 --> 00:54:45,042
You're not getting me anything.
844
00:54:45,126 --> 00:54:49,483
No, I told you a thousand times. I'm
not gonna play an alien in Doctor Who!
845
00:54:49,566 --> 00:54:54,481
- Don't do it, Schlong.
- You leave me no alternative, Doctor.
846
00:54:54,566 --> 00:54:56,238
(gurgling)
847
00:54:56,326 --> 00:54:58,157
Aagh!
848
00:55:00,766 --> 00:55:04,600
- What's happening to us?
- He's hyperpodulating.
849
00:55:04,686 --> 00:55:10,079
He's using his molluscian glang valves
to internally vibrulate our DNA.
850
00:55:10,166 --> 00:55:14,318
- What does that mean?
- We'll turn into slugs in about 30 seconds.
851
00:55:14,406 --> 00:55:19,434
- Unless I can reach that sodium chloride.
- Oh! What's sodium chloride?
852
00:55:19,526 --> 00:55:21,915
You probably know it... as table salt!
853
00:55:22,966 --> 00:55:25,560
(groaning and gurgling)
854
00:55:29,646 --> 00:55:32,035
(mumbles)
855
00:55:37,606 --> 00:55:39,403
Tre Cooper.
856
00:55:39,486 --> 00:55:41,158
Andy Millman.
857
00:55:41,246 --> 00:55:43,714
Ah, OK.
Do you know where he is?
858
00:55:44,166 --> 00:55:47,397
Andy Millman.
Tell him to call me. Cheers.
859
00:55:48,366 --> 00:55:51,119
It's Andy Millman again.
860
00:55:51,206 --> 00:55:53,083
Can you get him to call me, please?
861
00:55:53,166 --> 00:55:57,000
I've been calling him every day for two
weeks. He's never there. Where is he?
862
00:55:57,086 --> 00:55:59,077
Snowboarding?
863
00:56:00,366 --> 00:56:03,915
No. I told him.
I don't want to do Hotel Babylon.
864
00:56:04,006 --> 00:56:06,600
No, I'll tell you what.
I am gonna see him today.
865
00:56:06,686 --> 00:56:10,201
Because he's my agent,
and he takes 12½½½% % % of my wages, OK?
866
00:56:10,286 --> 00:56:15,724
Right. Yeah, and if he really is at lunch,
where is he? Please tell me where he is.
867
00:56:15,806 --> 00:56:18,001
Thank you.
868
00:56:18,166 --> 00:56:21,363
You've made a very wise
and informed decision, if I may say so.
869
00:56:21,446 --> 00:56:25,280
Good little phone. Fun ring tone on here.
I've got the same one.
870
00:56:25,366 --> 00:56:27,436
('60s-style ring tone)
871
00:56:34,846 --> 00:56:40,762
You can see that would be enjoyable with
your friends. Just pop your card in there.
872
00:56:40,846 --> 00:56:43,076
- Enter PIN.
- Don't let him see your number.
873
00:56:43,166 --> 00:56:47,603
Libellous.
Just let it phone its girlfriend. (hums)
874
00:56:47,686 --> 00:56:50,723
That should be it.
Extract.
875
00:56:50,806 --> 00:56:53,366
Deano, a Motorola accessory pack,
s'il vous plaît.
876
00:56:53,446 --> 00:56:55,676
Sure, Shauny.
877
00:56:55,766 --> 00:56:57,961
- There she blows.
- I thank you.
878
00:56:58,046 --> 00:57:00,435
- Thank you very much.
- Enjoy.
879
00:57:00,526 --> 00:57:03,245
- Nice lady.
- Yeah.
880
00:57:03,686 --> 00:57:07,281
All right? How's it going?
Do you need a phone or something?
881
00:57:07,366 --> 00:57:08,958
No.
882
00:57:09,046 --> 00:57:12,800
I need some work, really.
Any jobs going?
883
00:57:12,886 --> 00:57:18,040
Erm, not really, no. I mean,
aside from the intensive training needed,
884
00:57:18,126 --> 00:57:19,684
we are a bit overstaffed.
885
00:57:19,766 --> 00:57:22,838
There would only be a vacancy
if one of them got an acting job.
886
00:57:22,926 --> 00:57:25,645
- Or if one of us dies.
- That is more likely.
887
00:57:25,726 --> 00:57:30,800
- Statistically, yes.
- So, no room at the... at the inn.
888
00:57:33,206 --> 00:57:36,084
Are you all right?
889
00:57:36,166 --> 00:57:39,158
Dean, tissues.
890
00:57:40,206 --> 00:57:42,276
Don't worry.
891
00:57:44,006 --> 00:57:47,840
- I'm sure something will turn up.
- It's not about the job.
892
00:57:47,926 --> 00:57:50,565
It's everything, really.
893
00:57:50,646 --> 00:57:53,160
I just wasted my life.
894
00:57:53,246 --> 00:58:00,084
I haven't done anything. I haven't
seen anything. I haven't been anywhere.
895
00:58:00,166 --> 00:58:04,637
I've never even left the country.
I haven't even been abroad.
896
00:58:05,366 --> 00:58:10,565
I just live on my own in one room
with no money,
897
00:58:10,646 --> 00:58:14,116
and I can't even get a job
with the Carphone Warehouse.
898
00:58:14,206 --> 00:58:16,766
- That's not true.
- It is true.
899
00:58:16,846 --> 00:58:19,963
It's true of this branch,
but there are other branches.
900
00:58:20,046 --> 00:58:23,322
Particularly ones in rough areas.
They're desperate for staff.
901
00:58:23,406 --> 00:58:25,966
The ones they've got
are assaulted or stabbed.
902
00:58:26,046 --> 00:58:30,562
- Sometimes in the face.
- (phone rings)
903
00:58:30,646 --> 00:58:32,557
Sorry.
904
00:58:32,646 --> 00:58:35,683
- (Andy) Hi. Where are you?
- Erm... no-nowhere.
905
00:58:35,766 --> 00:58:39,964
Can you meet me in the lvy, ASAP?
I'm trying to track down my agent.
906
00:58:40,046 --> 00:58:42,037
At least I knew where Darren was.
907
00:58:42,126 --> 00:58:46,597
- Why do you need me there?
- It's the lvy. I don't want to go by myself.
908
00:58:46,686 --> 00:58:49,405
- Can you meet me or not?
- Erm, OK.
909
00:58:49,486 --> 00:58:52,478
- Good. See you later.
- Mm-hm.
910
00:58:52,926 --> 00:58:56,601
I have to go.
Thanks for your help.
911
00:58:58,686 --> 00:59:01,803
- I've had a piece of that.
- Have you?
912
00:59:01,886 --> 00:59:04,002
- He's a bit of a player.
- It was one date.
913
00:59:04,086 --> 00:59:05,599
- All right!
- One date's enough.
914
00:59:05,686 --> 00:59:06,914
- You know it.
- Nothing happened.
915
00:59:07,006 --> 00:59:10,396
- How do you know?
- You blocked the toilet up and she left.
916
00:59:10,486 --> 00:59:13,603
That was for your ears only.
And now you've told Gaffney.
917
00:59:13,686 --> 00:59:17,884
Gaffney will tell Dirty Den, Den will tell
Little Mo, and it's all round Albert Square.
918
00:59:17,966 --> 00:59:21,720
- Thank you very much.
- ('60s-style ring tone)
919
00:59:24,606 --> 00:59:27,803
That's my mum.
She's ill.
920
00:59:27,886 --> 00:59:30,480
Mum. Hel...
She's gone.
921
00:59:50,126 --> 00:59:53,198
- You all right?
- I'm having a bit of a nightmare.
922
00:59:53,286 --> 00:59:56,005
Tell me about it.
I've had to do Doctor Who,
923
00:59:56,086 --> 00:59:58,646
Hotel Babylon,
just to keep my profile up.
924
00:59:58,726 --> 01:00:01,035
He wants me to do Robin Hood.
I can't reach him.
925
01:00:01,126 --> 01:00:03,435
- You've had it tough.
- Nightmare.
926
01:00:03,526 --> 01:00:06,165
Apart from all the TV work,
you're doing all right.
927
01:00:06,246 --> 01:00:08,806
- Yes, sir.
- Hi. We haven't booked.
928
01:00:08,886 --> 01:00:12,242
- We're very busy today, sir.
- Andy Millman. I, er...
929
01:00:12,326 --> 01:00:14,920
Yes. You should have
booked ahead, really.
930
01:00:15,006 --> 01:00:17,042
- It's usually all right.
- I'm sorry.
931
01:00:17,126 --> 01:00:19,515
- Andy Millman.
- Hey. All right?
932
01:00:19,606 --> 01:00:23,281
Very all right.
Byron number one, UK box office.
933
01:00:23,366 --> 01:00:26,597
- Number two in the USA.
- Ooh, unlucky.
934
01:00:26,686 --> 01:00:30,998
Off round Europe next week, bit of a jolly.
Promote the old film, so...
935
01:00:31,086 --> 01:00:32,644
- What about you?
- Great.
936
01:00:32,726 --> 01:00:35,604
- You got lots on?
- Mental. I was just saying... Yeah.
937
01:00:35,686 --> 01:00:38,723
I saw you as a slug in Doctor Who.
Very convincing.
938
01:00:38,806 --> 01:00:42,082
Space serpent. What's our agent like?
I can't get hold of him.
939
01:00:42,166 --> 01:00:46,876
- Has he gone AWOL?
- I hope not. I'm having lunch with him.
940
01:00:46,966 --> 01:00:50,720
- Just goes straight to voicemail.
- Tre! Yeah.
941
01:00:50,806 --> 01:00:54,116
- You're here? I'm outside.
- There's something wrong with this.
942
01:00:54,206 --> 01:00:56,401
- See you later.
- See you. Something wrong.
943
01:00:56,486 --> 01:01:00,115
Signal... It's girders is it, on this?
Sometimes it...
944
01:01:00,206 --> 01:01:03,437
Weird how things pan out.
He's more famous than you now.
945
01:01:03,526 --> 01:01:05,915
Why would you say that?
Why say that to me?
946
01:01:06,006 --> 01:01:10,636
He's not more famous than me.
Not amongst my demographic.
947
01:01:10,726 --> 01:01:13,240
That's bollocks.
948
01:01:13,686 --> 01:01:16,041
- Gordon.
- Yep?
949
01:01:16,126 --> 01:01:17,878
- All right?
- Andy Millman. All right?
950
01:01:17,966 --> 01:01:20,161
- Yeah, yeah.
- Can't have a word, can you?
951
01:01:20,246 --> 01:01:23,761
- Just leaving.
- If you have a word, they'll let me in.
952
01:01:23,846 --> 01:01:26,235
- Er, can't.
- Oh, you can't or won't?
953
01:01:26,326 --> 01:01:27,964
- Won't.
- Oh.
954
01:01:28,046 --> 01:01:30,560
Nip to the kitchen
and make me a cheese sandwich.
955
01:01:30,646 --> 01:01:33,558
Cock. Haven't you had enough
cheese sandwiches, fat boy?
956
01:01:33,646 --> 01:01:35,716
You Pound-Puppy-faced git!
957
01:01:35,806 --> 01:01:38,240
You catchphrase-shouting
wig-wearing wannabe!
958
01:01:38,326 --> 01:01:41,955
You publicity-hungry
failed-footballing fuck!
959
01:01:42,046 --> 01:01:44,002
You're a has-been!
Go home!
960
01:01:44,086 --> 01:01:46,077
You think you're hard cos you shout.
961
01:01:46,166 --> 01:01:50,682
Who works in kitchens? Ooh, women and
gays. And the French. You're well hard.
962
01:01:50,766 --> 01:01:54,839
Let's just leave it there, shall we?
I don't want to get into a fight.
963
01:01:54,926 --> 01:01:57,884
I've heard your girdle
can explode at any minute.
964
01:01:57,966 --> 01:02:00,958
- You f... Oh, I was gonna...
- Come on. Let's just go.
965
01:02:01,046 --> 01:02:04,163
No, I'm gonna wait for him to come out
if I can't go through there.
966
01:02:04,246 --> 01:02:06,282
- I'm sorry.
- Can I at least have a drink?
967
01:02:06,366 --> 01:02:08,641
- Do you want a drink?
- Not really, no.
968
01:02:08,726 --> 01:02:11,798
- You got something better to do?
- No. Look, I'm going.
969
01:02:11,886 --> 01:02:13,604
- Where are you going?
- Home.
970
01:02:13,686 --> 01:02:15,881
Don't leave me here by myself.
Come on.
971
01:02:15,966 --> 01:02:17,524
- Where is my home?
- What?
972
01:02:17,606 --> 01:02:20,166
- Where do I live?
- You've moved.
973
01:02:20,606 --> 01:02:23,404
- Yeah. Where to?
- What, an exact address?
974
01:02:23,486 --> 01:02:26,284
No, just the area.
975
01:02:26,366 --> 01:02:28,357
What am I, your postman?
976
01:02:28,446 --> 01:02:31,483
No, you're my friend.
Look, I'll see you.
977
01:02:31,566 --> 01:02:34,444
Oh, come on.
Oh, for f...
978
01:02:43,366 --> 01:02:47,359
(♪ "Please, Please, Please
Let Me Get What I Want" by the Smiths)
979
01:03:21,526 --> 01:03:24,598
- Tre!
- Excuse me!
980
01:03:31,646 --> 01:03:34,922
- What are you doing?
- You haven't been returning my calls.
981
01:03:35,006 --> 01:03:37,964
There's not been much
since you told the BBC to piss off.
982
01:03:38,046 --> 01:03:41,402
There's other channels.
You're meant to generate work for me.
983
01:03:41,486 --> 01:03:45,445
I can't magic things out of thin air.
They either want you or they don't.
984
01:03:45,526 --> 01:03:49,314
Life's cruel. To be honest, I've been
up to my eyeballs with other clients.
985
01:03:49,406 --> 01:03:52,125
- Guilty as charged.
- Yeah...
986
01:03:52,206 --> 01:03:55,084
- What about me?
- All right, listen to me, Andy.
987
01:03:55,166 --> 01:03:59,444
I don't know what it is that you want.
Every time I see you, something different.
988
01:03:59,526 --> 01:04:01,801
One day,
it's all about being an artist.
989
01:04:01,886 --> 01:04:04,844
Next day,
you just want your face in the paper.
990
01:04:04,926 --> 01:04:06,644
What do you want?
991
01:04:06,726 --> 01:04:11,004
You want to be a world-famous movie star
or the tortured genius creating great art?
992
01:04:11,086 --> 01:04:16,285
Look, do you want fame and fortune
or do you want integrity and respect?
993
01:04:16,366 --> 01:04:18,118
- Both.
- (Tre) Right.
994
01:04:18,206 --> 01:04:21,403
Only a few people in the world
have both those things.
995
01:04:21,486 --> 01:04:24,876
You will never be one of them.
996
01:04:27,926 --> 01:04:31,043
What do you want?
997
01:04:36,246 --> 01:04:39,124
Rich and famous.
And on the telly.
998
01:04:39,566 --> 01:04:42,285
Right. OK, then.
999
01:04:42,366 --> 01:04:44,926
- Will you do stuff you keep turning down?
- Yes.
1000
01:04:45,006 --> 01:04:46,405
- Comedy panel shows?
- Yep.
1001
01:04:46,486 --> 01:04:49,762
You'll have to make your
carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
1002
01:04:49,846 --> 01:04:52,235
I know how they work.
1003
01:04:52,766 --> 01:04:54,996
- Emmerdale.
- Oh. Good. Yeah.
1004
01:04:55,086 --> 01:04:56,405
This is great.
1005
01:04:56,486 --> 01:04:59,319
I'd much rather have a client
that will do anything
1006
01:04:59,406 --> 01:05:02,318
than someone who goes,
"Oh, I don't want to do that."
1007
01:05:02,406 --> 01:05:06,877
Ooh, hold on. There is one other thing.
Might have to pull some strings.
1008
01:05:06,966 --> 01:05:09,799
Pull 'em.
1009
01:05:14,086 --> 01:05:19,080
(man) Last night, the celebrity
housemates arrived in the house.
1010
01:05:19,166 --> 01:05:21,361
Hi. Hello.
1011
01:05:21,446 --> 01:05:24,244
- Hi. Lisa Scott-Lee.
- Hi, Lisa. Hi, Scott.
1012
01:05:24,326 --> 01:05:25,964
- Lee.
- Chico.
1013
01:05:26,046 --> 01:05:26,956
- Oh, yeah.
- Toby.
1014
01:05:27,046 --> 01:05:31,005
- All right, mate. How's it going?
- (Toby) Welcome to the house.
1015
01:05:31,086 --> 01:05:33,680
- (Andy) Hello.
- (woman) Hi, Andy. June.
1016
01:05:38,206 --> 01:05:40,561
- Lionel Blair.
- Andy.
1017
01:05:40,646 --> 01:05:42,557
Good.
1018
01:05:42,646 --> 01:05:44,921
He's happy.
1019
01:05:46,366 --> 01:05:49,164
- So how do you start?
- You start like this. Tragedy.
1020
01:05:49,246 --> 01:05:53,398
I don't know who any of these people are.
Who's that one in the dress?
1021
01:05:53,486 --> 01:05:58,162
That's Amy. She's in all the lads' mags.
Her boyfriend was accused of rape.
1022
01:05:58,246 --> 01:06:01,283
Opportunity knocks.
And who's that one?
1023
01:06:01,366 --> 01:06:05,359
- Oh, her son was murdered.
- Murdered?
1024
01:06:05,446 --> 01:06:07,960
- Why's she in here?
- She's got a single coming out.
1025
01:06:08,046 --> 01:06:11,163
- Course she has. Well, cheers.
- Cheers.
1026
01:06:13,006 --> 01:06:15,395
(Lisa and Toby sing "Tragedy")
1027
01:06:18,406 --> 01:06:20,362
♪ It's Chico time
Like that.
1028
01:06:22,806 --> 01:06:24,797
(chatter continues)
1029
01:06:32,806 --> 01:06:35,161
(man) 11:22pm.
1030
01:06:35,246 --> 01:06:38,238
All the housemates are in the lounge.
1031
01:06:38,326 --> 01:06:40,794
Obviously,
I knew he was filming us at it,
1032
01:06:40,886 --> 01:06:43,400
but I didn't think
it would end up on the internet.
1033
01:06:43,486 --> 01:06:47,035
- How did it end up on the internet?
- Someone must have stolen it.
1034
01:06:47,126 --> 01:06:49,117
- Where from?
- From the flat.
1035
01:06:49,206 --> 01:06:52,835
He put it on the windowsill, next to
the apple pie that was cooling down.
1036
01:06:52,926 --> 01:06:56,123
Some ruffians came by,
put it straight on the internet.
1037
01:06:56,206 --> 01:07:00,324
I'm glad they did, though. Because
then the lads' mags called and said:
1038
01:07:00,406 --> 01:07:04,922
"We saw those. They looked great
in motion. Do they look as good still?"
1039
01:07:05,006 --> 01:07:08,840
And they did, so they put them
in the magazines, and luckily...
1040
01:07:08,926 --> 01:07:11,724
- (birdsong)
...was reading one of them.
1041
01:07:11,806 --> 01:07:13,444
- You went out with...
- (birdsong)
1042
01:07:13,526 --> 01:07:17,314
I didn't really go out with him.
I shagged him a few times.
1043
01:07:17,406 --> 01:07:20,079
- I also shagged...
- (birdsong)
1044
01:07:33,046 --> 01:07:35,685
(man) Andy has come to the diary room.
1045
01:07:35,766 --> 01:07:40,237
You'll be sued under Trade Descriptions
for calling it "Celebrity" Big Brother -
1046
01:07:40,326 --> 01:07:42,476
I didn't know who some of them were.
1047
01:07:42,566 --> 01:07:45,558
Do you know what I mean?
I just think...
1048
01:07:46,046 --> 01:07:49,322
I don't think this will do me any good.
This will make me look bad.
1049
01:07:49,406 --> 01:07:53,365
People won't go,
"Oh, he's the biggest star in there."
1050
01:07:53,446 --> 01:07:58,201
They'll go, "Well, if he's in there,
he must be as..." (sighs)
1051
01:08:03,606 --> 01:08:07,963
(man) Day three.
Lionel is dancing again.
1052
01:08:08,966 --> 01:08:11,878
Ho! Ha!
1053
01:08:13,086 --> 01:08:16,044
Oh! Oh! Ow!
1054
01:08:16,126 --> 01:08:19,721
I've pulled my bloody back!
1055
01:08:19,806 --> 01:08:23,276
(Chico) Here we go. Easy does it.
Lay back, lay back, lay back.
1056
01:08:23,366 --> 01:08:25,834
- You all right?
- (pained gasp)
1057
01:08:25,926 --> 01:08:29,635
- Why are you doing this?
- Just keeps up the profile.
1058
01:08:29,726 --> 01:08:35,483
You've been performing for 40 years.
Aren't you bored, being "on" all the time?
1059
01:08:35,566 --> 01:08:40,594
Yeah. I ache as well.
I wake up in the morning and I ache.
1060
01:08:40,686 --> 01:08:45,601
That's why I've done my bloody back. I
didn't stretch because it aches to stretch.
1061
01:08:47,646 --> 01:08:51,161
Do you know what
I look forward to these days?
1062
01:08:51,246 --> 01:08:52,725
Death.
1063
01:08:54,246 --> 01:08:56,396
Oh, save me some wine.
1064
01:08:56,486 --> 01:08:59,080
It numbs the pain. Ow!
1065
01:09:04,606 --> 01:09:09,122
(man) Day four. Big Brother
set the housemates a task.
1066
01:09:09,206 --> 01:09:12,801
The housemates must rank themselves
in order of fame,
1067
01:09:12,886 --> 01:09:18,483
with one being the most famous,
and eight being the least famous.
1068
01:09:18,566 --> 01:09:23,037
I've worked hard to get here. What
have you done? Dropped your knickers?
1069
01:09:23,126 --> 01:09:26,835
- At least I'm on the way up.
- My fans are watching. I should be here.
1070
01:09:26,926 --> 01:09:30,236
I've been famous for ten years.
You've been famous for ten minutes.
1071
01:09:30,326 --> 01:09:34,524
- I've been in this business over 50 years.
- (Toby) Grandad's talking now.
1072
01:09:34,606 --> 01:09:39,236
Never mind about "grandad".
I had two programmes in the top five -
1073
01:09:39,326 --> 01:09:42,284
Give Us a Clue and Name That Tune.
When have you been on telly?
1074
01:09:42,366 --> 01:09:45,005
Everybody who watched them's
in homes now, Lionel.
1075
01:09:45,086 --> 01:09:47,759
I don't care if Lionel wants
to go with number one.
1076
01:09:47,846 --> 01:09:50,997
I'll swap with Lionel,
but I'm not swapping with her.
1077
01:09:51,086 --> 01:09:56,365
All I'll say is, my show was getting
seven million every week on BBC One.
1078
01:09:56,446 --> 01:10:01,122
Everyone shouts my catchphrase.
Four-year-olds shout my catchphrase.
1079
01:10:01,206 --> 01:10:04,801
All the four-year-olds shout
my catchphrase. Well, they're five now.
1080
01:10:04,886 --> 01:10:07,798
I'm sorry, mate,
you're a reality winner.
1081
01:10:07,886 --> 01:10:11,196
- (Lionel) Hold on, hold on!
- (June) I've interviewed Tony Blair!
1082
01:10:11,286 --> 01:10:14,915
You didn't even win!
You didn't even win!
1083
01:10:15,006 --> 01:10:16,758
(all shout at once)
1084
01:10:16,846 --> 01:10:19,679
My son's murder
was on the News at Ten.
1085
01:10:23,606 --> 01:10:28,600
And I met Gordon Brown. He paid for me
to come up to London and everything.
1086
01:10:28,686 --> 01:10:33,601
- Still, must have been a terrible time.
- It was an absolute tragedy.
1087
01:10:33,686 --> 01:10:35,438
♪ Tragedy
Everybody!
1088
01:10:35,526 --> 01:10:38,359
(all sing)
1089
01:10:38,446 --> 01:10:41,518
Come on. It was number one, this.
Come on, Andy!
1090
01:10:41,606 --> 01:10:43,597
(singing continues)
1091
01:10:47,486 --> 01:10:50,444
(Lisa) Shoulders, everybody!
1092
01:10:52,886 --> 01:10:56,003
(man) Andy has come to the diary room.
1093
01:10:56,086 --> 01:10:59,362
I don't know why I did this.
1094
01:10:59,446 --> 01:11:01,038
I just don't...
1095
01:11:01,126 --> 01:11:03,321
What... what is this?
This is a blip.
1096
01:11:03,406 --> 01:11:06,159
Is this a blip?
Is this a blip in my life?
1097
01:11:06,246 --> 01:11:08,965
Will I do something embarrassing?
Will I?
1098
01:11:09,046 --> 01:11:11,162
Do they?
I don't know.
1099
01:11:13,286 --> 01:11:17,643
I-I don't know what's the best that
can happen. I know what the worst is.
1100
01:11:17,726 --> 01:11:22,720
I don't know what the best is. I don't know
what the best that can happen with this is.
1101
01:11:22,806 --> 01:11:24,797
(sighs)
1102
01:11:26,046 --> 01:11:31,439
(Big Brother) Andy, is there anything
you miss on the outside world?
1103
01:11:37,686 --> 01:11:40,439
Loads of stuff.
1104
01:11:47,726 --> 01:11:52,004
(man) The housemates
are talking about fame.
1105
01:11:52,446 --> 01:11:55,483
When did you first realise
you wanted to be famous?
1106
01:11:55,566 --> 01:11:57,397
- Me?
- Yeah.
1107
01:11:57,486 --> 01:12:01,320
I didn't think I did just want to be famous.
I thought I wanted something...
1108
01:12:01,406 --> 01:12:05,160
But obviously I do want to be famous.
Why else would I put myself here
1109
01:12:05,246 --> 01:12:07,521
with a load of other desperate people?
1110
01:12:07,606 --> 01:12:09,642
- I'm not desperate.
- No?
1111
01:12:09,726 --> 01:12:14,846
No. I'm doing this to broaden my career.
I want to be a serious journalist.
1112
01:12:15,526 --> 01:12:19,724
Yesterday, June,
you spent 20 minutes making porridge
1113
01:12:19,806 --> 01:12:22,081
in high heels and a thong.
1114
01:12:22,166 --> 01:12:24,634
- So?
- Kate Adie didn't start out like that.
1115
01:12:24,726 --> 01:12:27,035
- Who?
- Good luck with the Pulitzer.
1116
01:12:27,126 --> 01:12:29,924
- Are you patronising me?
- No. I'm really not having a go.
1117
01:12:30,006 --> 01:12:33,237
I'm just saying we must be desperate.
Why else come onto a show
1118
01:12:33,326 --> 01:12:35,999
where you have to
hand in your dignity at the door?
1119
01:12:36,086 --> 01:12:38,919
- I haven't handed in my dignity.
- (claxon)
1120
01:12:39,006 --> 01:12:41,201
(♪ "The Birdie Song")
1121
01:12:42,806 --> 01:12:44,285
(clucks)
1122
01:13:45,446 --> 01:13:50,884
I'm not gonna get married for a while.
If I did, I would let someone pay for it.
1123
01:13:50,966 --> 01:13:53,355
Cos a decent wedding's
gonna cost about 50 grand.
1124
01:13:53,446 --> 01:13:55,801
Let "Hello" pay for that.
1125
01:13:55,886 --> 01:14:00,118
And, apparently, they pay for
every celebrity you get along.
1126
01:14:00,206 --> 01:14:03,039
You'd come, wouldn't you?
You're worth a few quid.
1127
01:14:03,126 --> 01:14:06,516
Andy? Would you come
to my Hello wedding?
1128
01:14:06,966 --> 01:14:10,083
- To your Hello wedding?
- Yeah.
1129
01:14:11,086 --> 01:14:14,044
- Are you all right?
- No.
1130
01:14:14,126 --> 01:14:18,278
(sighs) What are we doing?
Selling ourselves. Selling everything.
1131
01:14:18,366 --> 01:14:22,200
"Happiest day of my life. Ooh, quick, I
better do the invites and bake a cake,
1132
01:14:22,286 --> 01:14:25,164
and get a press tent.
Must have a press tent - it's a wedding."
1133
01:14:25,246 --> 01:14:28,875
"I must see pictures of myself
with people I'm in a programme with."
1134
01:14:28,966 --> 01:14:32,356
"Ooh, and now I'm pregnant.
Maybe we should televise the birth."
1135
01:14:32,446 --> 01:14:33,765
"Get Ruby Wax to present it."
1136
01:14:33,846 --> 01:14:36,997
"Maybe it'll make
Jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest Caesareans."
1137
01:14:37,086 --> 01:14:42,001
I'm not having a go. I'm just sick of
celebrities living their life out in the open.
1138
01:14:42,086 --> 01:14:43,883
Why would you do that?
1139
01:14:43,966 --> 01:14:47,879
Like these pop stars who choose
the perfect moment to go into rehab.
1140
01:14:47,966 --> 01:14:52,278
They call their publicist before a taxi.
Then they do their second autobiography.
1141
01:14:52,366 --> 01:14:55,802
"This one's called Love Me or
I'll Kill Myself." Kill yourself, then.
1142
01:14:55,886 --> 01:15:00,357
And the papers lap it up. They follow us
round, and people think we're important.
1143
01:15:00,446 --> 01:15:02,676
And that makes us
think we're important.
1144
01:15:02,766 --> 01:15:05,917
If they stopped following us round,
people wouldn't go:
1145
01:15:06,006 --> 01:15:08,839
"Quick. I need a picture
of Cameron Diaz with a pimple."
1146
01:15:08,926 --> 01:15:12,805
They'd get on with something else.
They'd get on with their lives.
1147
01:15:12,886 --> 01:15:15,958
You open the paper and see
Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car.
1148
01:15:16,046 --> 01:15:19,322
The headline is, "We can see
your knickers." Of course you can.
1149
01:15:19,406 --> 01:15:24,241
Your photographer is lying in the road,
pointing his camera up her dress.
1150
01:15:24,326 --> 01:15:26,886
You're literally the gutter press.
1151
01:15:27,806 --> 01:15:31,765
And fuck you, the makers of this show, as
well. You can't wash your hands of this.
1152
01:15:31,846 --> 01:15:35,555
You keep going, "Oh, it's exploitation,
but it's what the public wants. "
1153
01:15:35,646 --> 01:15:39,639
The Victorian freak show never
went away. Now it's called "Big Brother".
1154
01:15:39,726 --> 01:15:44,561
Or X Factor, where, in the preliminary
rounds, we wheel out the bewildered
1155
01:15:44,646 --> 01:15:47,922
to be sniggered at
by multi-millionaires.
1156
01:15:48,006 --> 01:15:50,361
And fuck you
for watching this at home.
1157
01:15:51,526 --> 01:15:55,997
Shame on you.
And shame on me. I'm the worst of all.
1158
01:15:56,086 --> 01:15:59,795
I'm one of these people that goes,
"I'm an entertainer. It's in my blood."
1159
01:15:59,886 --> 01:16:02,719
Yeah, it's in my blood
cos a real job's too hard.
1160
01:16:02,806 --> 01:16:06,037
I wanted to be a doctor.
Too hard. Didn't want to put the work in.
1161
01:16:06,126 --> 01:16:09,835
I'd love to be a war hero.
I'm too scared.
1162
01:16:10,926 --> 01:16:13,486
So I go, "Oh, it's what I do."
1163
01:16:13,566 --> 01:16:16,399
And I have someone bollocked
if my cappuccino's cold,
1164
01:16:16,486 --> 01:16:19,046
or if they look at me the wrong way.
1165
01:16:19,966 --> 01:16:21,957
You know what
a friend of mine once said?
1166
01:16:22,046 --> 01:16:25,197
They said I'll never be happy,
cos I'll never be famous enough.
1167
01:16:25,286 --> 01:16:27,595
And they were right.
1168
01:16:30,886 --> 01:16:33,161
And, if you're watching this,
I'm so sorry.
1169
01:16:33,246 --> 01:16:36,841
You're my best friend.
You're my only friend.
1170
01:16:37,806 --> 01:16:40,559
And you never did anything wrong.
1171
01:16:40,646 --> 01:16:45,925
It was everything else. I'll never do that
again. I'll never treat you like that again.
1172
01:16:46,006 --> 01:16:50,841
And it's eating me up. You asked me a
stupid question once, and I didn't answer.
1173
01:16:50,926 --> 01:16:53,394
Cos I was...
I'll answer it now.
1174
01:16:55,486 --> 01:16:58,444
I'd be the penguin.
1175
01:16:58,526 --> 01:17:01,120
Cos I could eat the flying fish.
1176
01:17:01,926 --> 01:17:04,838
I know what you're thinking -
why doesn't the fish fly away?
1177
01:17:04,926 --> 01:17:10,205
They can't really fly - sort of glide and flap.
They should be called glidey flappy fish.
1178
01:17:13,806 --> 01:17:15,876
I'm so sorry.
1179
01:17:15,966 --> 01:17:18,560
- I've been waiting to hear that.
- I don't think he...
1180
01:17:18,646 --> 01:17:21,319
He's a good guy.
He is a good guy.
1181
01:17:21,406 --> 01:17:22,805
Yeah.
1182
01:17:23,286 --> 01:17:26,483
- I'm gonna go now. Cheers, everyone.
- Andy.
1183
01:17:26,566 --> 01:17:29,205
- A-Andy. That was... that was amazing.
- Cheers.
1184
01:17:29,286 --> 01:17:32,437
- I'm gonna come with you.
- OK.
1185
01:17:32,526 --> 01:17:37,600
Just give me five minutes. There's
paparazzi out there - I'll put on a bikini.
1186
01:17:55,486 --> 01:17:57,636
- Andy's through there.
- Andy?
1187
01:17:57,726 --> 01:18:00,001
Andy!
1188
01:18:00,086 --> 01:18:03,476
Seriously, mate,
you are a fucking genius!
1189
01:18:03,566 --> 01:18:08,196
Where did that come from? Have you seen
the mob out there? It's gone mad. Mad.
1190
01:18:08,286 --> 01:18:12,245
The phone's been going mental. I've had
calls from all the papers, the chat shows.
1191
01:18:12,326 --> 01:18:16,239
We can charge a fortune for this.
Well done, mate.
1192
01:18:16,326 --> 01:18:19,716
Elton John wants you to be seen
at one of his 60th birthday parties.
1193
01:18:19,806 --> 01:18:23,958
- He's 61 now, isn't he?
- He's got a lot of parties to get through.
1194
01:18:24,046 --> 01:18:25,195
Posh and Becks -
1195
01:18:25,286 --> 01:18:28,164
being photographed
on a private beach "against their will",
1196
01:18:28,246 --> 01:18:30,396
and they wondered
if you wanted to be there.
1197
01:18:30,486 --> 01:18:32,636
- Wow.
- Yeah?
1198
01:18:32,726 --> 01:18:35,445
When you go through there,
don't say too much.
1199
01:18:35,526 --> 01:18:38,404
We want to be able to sell your story.
Just a few words.
1200
01:18:38,486 --> 01:18:42,399
I've got you a hotel suite.
Let's get down there, assess our options.
1201
01:18:42,486 --> 01:18:46,035
- Seriously, mate, the world is your oyster.
- OK.
1202
01:18:46,126 --> 01:18:48,924
You ready? Let me say a few words,
then I'll bring you out.
1203
01:18:49,006 --> 01:18:51,600
Yeah.
1204
01:18:54,126 --> 01:18:56,720
Hello, everybody.
Sorry for keeping you waiting.
1205
01:18:56,806 --> 01:18:59,764
Andy won't be answering
many questions now.
1206
01:18:59,846 --> 01:19:02,121
There'll be a chance for that
at a later stage,
1207
01:19:02,206 --> 01:19:04,845
for those of you who want
to get your chequebooks open.
1208
01:19:04,926 --> 01:19:08,919
All right.
So, ladies and gentlemen, Andy Millman.
1209
01:19:10,686 --> 01:19:13,996
Oh, he's a deaf bugger.
Andy Millman!
1210
01:19:28,806 --> 01:19:31,639
- Hi.
- Hello.
1211
01:19:31,726 --> 01:19:33,796
- You all right?
- Yeah.
1212
01:19:34,446 --> 01:19:38,724
- Saw you on the telly.
- Did you? Good.
1213
01:19:38,806 --> 01:19:42,924
- Where are we going?
- Where no one cares who I am.
1214
01:19:43,006 --> 01:19:45,201
Back to the lvy, then?
1215
01:19:47,406 --> 01:19:51,365
Seriously.
Somewhere where no one knows me.
1216
01:19:51,446 --> 01:19:54,040
- (Maggie) Hollywood?
- The hits keep coming!
1217
01:19:54,126 --> 01:19:55,161
(Maggie laughs)
1218
01:19:57,526 --> 01:20:00,916
What do you want me to tell this lot?
They've been there for hours.
1219
01:20:01,006 --> 01:20:04,476
"Oh, sorry, we lost him."
Move! Fucking find him!
1220
01:20:10,046 --> 01:20:12,196
(Andy) Seriously,
where do you want to go?
1221
01:20:12,286 --> 01:20:14,402
- (Maggie) Can I go anywhere?
- Yeah.
1222
01:20:14,486 --> 01:20:17,683
(Maggie) All right, then.
Where do the flying fish live?
1223
01:20:17,766 --> 01:20:20,234
- (Andy) In the sea.
- Let's go there, then.
1224
01:20:20,326 --> 01:20:24,319
- (Andy) Two first-class tickets to the sea.
- (laughs)
1225
01:20:24,406 --> 01:20:27,603
(♪ "Tea for the Tillerman"
by Cat Stevens)