1
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,913
STEPHEN: Just want to explain
what's happening?

2
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:14,035
Yeah.

3
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,236
We're in the middle of filming Extras.

4
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:22,872
Done Sam Jackson, Les Dennis.
As you know, we've got Kate Winslet,

5
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,556
er...Ben Stiller.

6
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,120
Ross Kemp.

7
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,271
Jude Law.
We haven't got Jude Law, have we?

8
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,192
He pulled out a minute ago.

9
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,159
Just a little bit annoying.

10
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,035
His film's run over,

11
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,638
and he's got to do another film
and he needs some time off.

12
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,950
So we've just got to replace Jude Law, really.

13
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,151
So we've got to find
an international heartthrob

14
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,390
who won't mind making a twat of himself.

15
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,870
So, it's 8:00. Let's go try and do it.

16
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,836
Luckily, America's a little bit behind us.

17
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,799
So what we've done to prepare this,
me and Steve, what we did.

18
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,279
That's Steve holding the camera there.

19
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,432
That's why I'm looking above the camera.
Usually you look to the side of the camera.

20
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,272
But he's about 9"7'.

21
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,277
What we did to prepare ourselves was...

22
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,079
We sort of got fed up and had some wine.

23
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:19,832
So now we're gonna call some agents
in America. Don't worry about it.

24
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,830
If Anneka Rice can build
a house for orphans in a week,

25
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,359
I can do this.

26
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,312
I've got Dan Mazer's number,
who was Ali G's producer.

27
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,515
Sacha Baron Cohen.

28
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:36,629
I know Sacha Baron Cohen knows people
like Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio.

29
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,989
So I'm going to call him up.
I haven't spoken to him for a couple of years.

30
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,390
But maybe it's gonna go,
"Oh, how is it going?

31
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,393
"Remember The 11 o'clock Show?
Give me Leonardo's number."

32
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,277
"A'ight?" All that.

33
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,956
- Answerphone. What should I do?
- STEPHEN: Who is it?

34
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,554
- Dan Mazer.
- Leave a message.

35
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,754
Leave a message.

36
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,880
"Hi, Dan. Ricky. The 11 o'clock Show.

37
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,078
"Can you... You haven't got
Leonardo DiCaprio's number, have you?"

38
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,360
Oh, for fuck's sake. This isn't going to work.

39
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,273
Martin Freeman,
who played Tim in The Office.

40
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,637
Can't get through to Martin Freeman.

41
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,792
Answerphone. Forget it.

42
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,271
I'll just phone Jude Law and say,

43
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,397
"All right, mate.
You know, don't worry about it.

44
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,120
"Don't worry about it." And he'll go,
"Oh, thanks for being so understanding."

45
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,714
"Don't be silly.
If you want a holiday, have a holiday.

46
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,474
"You haven't got
Leonardo DiCaprio's number, have you?"

47
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,873
STEPHEN: You'd have thought
it'd be the least he could do.

48
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,235
Shall I phone him?

49
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:48,756
Shall I phone him and say,
"Oh, that's such a shame, never mind"?

50
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,319
- Shall I?
- Might as well.

51
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,518
Oh, this is madness.

52
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,712
Oh, God. That'd phase him, wouldn't it?

53
00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,753
I'll be honest with you,

54
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,878
I think what'll happen is "Ricky"
will come up on his phone.

55
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,520
And he'll just... He won't answer it.

56
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:08,353
Seriously, though, what are you gonna do?

57
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:10,477
Phone Jude Law and say,
"Don't worry about it,

58
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,200
"but have you got
Leonardo DiCaprio's number?"

59
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,358
"Number not in use".

60
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,151
He's changed his number?

61
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:29,678
Oh, God.

62
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,879
That is amazing.

63
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,074
Know what this is like? This is like
one of those documentaries about a loser.

64
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,959
- Who, you know what I mean?
- A fantasist.

65
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:42,633
Yes.

66
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,077
I met him once...

67
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,676
(FEY VOICE) I think that I can probably
become a director.

68
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,592
Because I have Jude Law's number.

69
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,717
That's just a string of nines.

70
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,991
Yeah, his number is 999-999-9999.
That's his number.

71
00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,710
There is no evidence
I called any of these people, yeah?

72
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,397
Oh, for fuck's sake.

73
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:14,675
Hi. Can you go into the study?
There's a 2004 blue desk diary.

74
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,469
In the back of it, there's loads
of different American agents.

75
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,835
Okay, I've got the colour wrong,
and the size but let's not split hairs.

76
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,670
And the year. Okay, but listen.

77
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,512
Can you read down the list?

78
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,156
Okay, and who's under CAA?
Who are the names that are under...?

79
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,839
Okay. Brad Pitt. Yeah.

80
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,753
What's Torn Cruise on?

81
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,552
Okay, I've got...

82
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,792
Brad Pitt's agency.

83
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,637
- Right. Is he our first choice, then?
- Brilliant.

84
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,714
You're not sure about Brad fucking Pitt.

85
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,711
Okay. Fine.

86
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,712
No. That's fair enough.

87
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:56,995
Don't do this.

88
00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,391
All I'm saying is, I think they're all brilliant,
obviously, but I just worry

89
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,630
that they're not what we're after at this time.

90
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,358
Fuck me.

91
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,193
I've been all round the houses.
That's unbelievable. Look.

92
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:13,633
We're in a hotel.

93
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,918
Here's names dotted around. Okay?

94
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,675
Right here, while I was talking to...

95
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,994
That's my greatest achievement tonight.

96
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,991
Nothing. Now I've lost it.
I can't even get outside the hotel.

97
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,920
Cannot even get a signal.

98
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,389
Let me quickly look on the internet,
see if I can get...

99
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,313
- Seriously man, let me check.
- No way. Let me do this.

100
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,232
We'll seem like a couple of gimps.

101
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:55,712
I've been online for 28 minutes. That's
gonna cost me 400 quid at these prices.

102
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:56,915
That's ridiculous.

103
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,992
Let me check before you unplug it.
Let me just see if I can get his agent up.

104
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,150
- I'll do it quickly.
- Who?

105
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,389
- Leonardo's.
- You'll never do it.

106
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,916
I'll be able to at least find out which agency
he's with if he's with one of the big ones.

107
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,032
I've got... According to this... This is 2001.

108
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,118
- Up to date.
-It says that

109
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,352
DiCaprio is with Artists Management Group.

110
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,512
So at least you could phone them and say,
"Is he still with you?"

111
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:22,309
Yeah. They'll go, "That was four years ago.
What sort of (BLEEP) is this?"

112
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:23,550
Hello?

113
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,956
Hello? Oh, hello.

114
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,954
Could I speak to whoever represents
Leonardo DiCaprio, please?

115
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:35,030
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you know who his agent is?

116
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,959
Oh, thank you very much.

117
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:38,639
Cheers. Bye.

118
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,959
Screen Actors Guild.

119
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,356
What's the American 118118?

120
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,396
- What, the Screen Actors Guild?
- Yeah.

121
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,075
Do you mean you have to contact them
to find out who his agent is?

122
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,595
Erm...

123
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,036
-ls there International Enquiries, still?
-International Directory Enquiries?

124
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,190
Yeah.

125
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:03,560
We're trying to contact Leonardo DiCaprio
via International Directory Enquiries?

126
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,840
The thing is, we don't even know that.

127
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,470
We don't even know the number.

128
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:13,952
Oh, God. Steve.

129
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,232
How did we get as far as we have?

130
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,834
I mean, do you know what I mean?
This really is...

131
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,231
This is like real-life Laurel and Hardy.

132
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,516
I'm having trouble getting an outside line.

133
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:24,920
Phone our Directory Enquiries

134
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,116
to get a number
for International Directory Enquiries.

135
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,235
Okay.

136
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,430
- And you remember it's not 192 any more.
- Oh.

137
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,790
Hello, have you got a number for
International Directory Enquiries, please?

138
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,230
I need a number for
the Screen Actors Guild, please.

139
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:48,155
I'm getting straight through.
They put me straight through.

140
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,392
Hello, I was given your number

141
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:59,439
to try and find out
the agent of Leonardo DiCaprio.

142
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:00,919
Would you know that?

143
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,115
Thanks.

144
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:06,919
Could I speak to
the agent of Leonardo DiCaprio, please?

145
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,509
Thanks.

146
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:16,914
Answerphone.

147
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,949
Oh, I can't leave a message, can I?

148
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,079
- Well, that's pretty good going.
- What?

149
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,954
We got as far as Leonardo DiCaprio's agent.

150
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,516
Or a person who knows his agent.

151
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,479
I consider that the bottom rung of the ladder.

152
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,755
Because all we did
was phone Directory Enquiries.

153
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,911
We got through that. And that...

154
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:46,515
Come on.

155
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,311
This isn't Geldof organising Live Aid, is it?

156
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:51,915
I imagine if he went...

157
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,879
(IRISH ACCENT) "Ah, it was good.
I need 118118.

158
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,351
"Give us your fucking money."

159
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,275
"Sorry, I just work
at the telephone exchange, Bob."

160
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,749
"Oh, fuck them.
At least I got through to you."

161
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:09,558
I do feel like one of those people
that's in a documentary, going...

162
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,597
(FEY VOICE)
"One day I will meet Torn Cruise.

163
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,314
"I'll marry him."

164
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,398
And then Coldplay plays...

165
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,312
(HUMMING TROUBLE BY COLDPLAY)

166
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,233
And there's a picture of me
going up to the shops like that.

167
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,559
Do you know what I mean?

168
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,114
Fuck me. Waste of fucking time.

169
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,235
(TROUBLE BY COLDPLAY PLAYING)