STEPHEN: Just want to explain what's happening?
Yeah.
We're in the middle of filming Extras.
Done Sam Jackson, Les Dennis. As you know, we've got Kate Winslet,
er...Ben Stiller.
Ross Kemp.
Jude Law. We haven't got Jude Law, have we?
He pulled out a minute ago.
Just a little bit annoying.
His film's run over,
and he's got to do another film and he needs some time off.
So we've just got to replace Jude Law, really.
So we've got to find an international heartthrob
who won't mind making a twat of himself.
So, it's 8:00. Let's go try and do it.
Luckily, America's a little bit behind us.
So what we've done to prepare this, me and Steve, what we did.
That's Steve holding the camera there.
That's why I'm looking above the camera. Usually you look to the side of the camera.
But he's about 9"7'.
What we did to prepare ourselves was...
We sort of got fed up and had some wine.
So now we're gonna call some agents in America. Don't worry about it.
If Anneka Rice can build a house for orphans in a week,
I can do this.
I've got Dan Mazer's number, who was Ali G's producer.
Sacha Baron Cohen.
I know Sacha Baron Cohen knows people like Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I'm going to call him up. I haven't spoken to him for a couple of years.
But maybe it's gonna go, "Oh, how is it going?
"Remember The 11 o'clock Show? Give me Leonardo's number."
"A'ight?" All that.
- Answerphone. What should I do? - STEPHEN: Who is it?
- Dan Mazer. - Leave a message.
Leave a message.
"Hi, Dan. Ricky. The 11 o'clock Show.
"Can you... You haven't got Leonardo DiCaprio's number, have you?"
Oh, for fuck's sake. This isn't going to work.
Martin Freeman, who played Tim in The Office.
Can't get through to Martin Freeman.
Answerphone. Forget it.
I'll just phone Jude Law and say,
"All right, mate. You know, don't worry about it.
"Don't worry about it." And he'll go, "Oh, thanks for being so understanding."
"Don't be silly. If you want a holiday, have a holiday.
"You haven't got Leonardo DiCaprio's number, have you?"
STEPHEN: You'd have thought it'd be the least he could do.
Shall I phone him?
Shall I phone him and say, "Oh, that's such a shame, never mind"?
- Shall I? - Might as well.
Oh, this is madness.
Oh, God. That'd phase him, wouldn't it?
I'll be honest with you,
I think what'll happen is "Ricky" will come up on his phone.
And he'll just... He won't answer it.
Seriously, though, what are you gonna do?
Phone Jude Law and say, "Don't worry about it,
"but have you got Leonardo DiCaprio's number?"
"Number not in use".
He's changed his number?
Oh, God.
That is amazing.
Know what this is like? This is like one of those documentaries about a loser.
- Who, you know what I mean? - A fantasist.
Yes.
I met him once...
(FEY VOICE) I think that I can probably become a director.
Because I have Jude Law's number.
That's just a string of nines.
Yeah, his number is 999-999-9999. That's his number.
There is no evidence I called any of these people, yeah?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Hi. Can you go into the study? There's a 2004 blue desk diary.
In the back of it, there's loads of different American agents.
Okay, I've got the colour wrong, and the size but let's not split hairs.
And the year. Okay, but listen.
Can you read down the list?
Okay, and who's under CAA? Who are the names that are under...?
Okay. Brad Pitt. Yeah.
What's Torn Cruise on?
Okay, I've got...
Brad Pitt's agency.
- Right. Is he our first choice, then? - Brilliant.
You're not sure about Brad fucking Pitt.
Okay. Fine.
No. That's fair enough.
Don't do this.
All I'm saying is, I think they're all brilliant, obviously, but I just worry
that they're not what we're after at this time.
Fuck me.
I've been all round the houses. That's unbelievable. Look.
We're in a hotel.
Here's names dotted around. Okay?
Right here, while I was talking to...
That's my greatest achievement tonight.
Nothing. Now I've lost it. I can't even get outside the hotel.
Cannot even get a signal.
Let me quickly look on the internet, see if I can get...
- Seriously man, let me check. - No way. Let me do this.
We'll seem like a couple of gimps.
I've been online for 28 minutes. That's gonna cost me 400 quid at these prices.
That's ridiculous.
Let me check before you unplug it. Let me just see if I can get his agent up.
- I'll do it quickly. - Who?
- Leonardo's. - You'll never do it.
I'll be able to at least find out which agency he's with if he's with one of the big ones.
I've got... According to this... This is 2001.
- Up to date. -It says that
DiCaprio is with Artists Management Group.
So at least you could phone them and say, "Is he still with you?"
Yeah. They'll go, "That was four years ago. What sort of (BLEEP) is this?"
Hello?
Hello? Oh, hello.
Could I speak to whoever represents Leonardo DiCaprio, please?
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you know who his agent is?
Oh, thank you very much.
Cheers. Bye.
Screen Actors Guild.
What's the American 118118?
- What, the Screen Actors Guild? - Yeah.
Do you mean you have to contact them to find out who his agent is?
Erm...
-ls there International Enquiries, still? -International Directory Enquiries?
Yeah.
We're trying to contact Leonardo DiCaprio via International Directory Enquiries?
The thing is, we don't even know that.
We don't even know the number.
Oh, God. Steve.
How did we get as far as we have?
I mean, do you know what I mean? This really is...
This is like real-life Laurel and Hardy.
I'm having trouble getting an outside line.
Phone our Directory Enquiries
to get a number for International Directory Enquiries.
Okay.
- And you remember it's not 192 any more. - Oh.
Hello, have you got a number for International Directory Enquiries, please?
I need a number for the Screen Actors Guild, please.
I'm getting straight through. They put me straight through.
Hello, I was given your number
to try and find out the agent of Leonardo DiCaprio.
Would you know that?
Thanks.
Could I speak to the agent of Leonardo DiCaprio, please?
Thanks.
Answerphone.
Oh, I can't leave a message, can I?
- Well, that's pretty good going. - What?
We got as far as Leonardo DiCaprio's agent.
Or a person who knows his agent.
I consider that the bottom rung of the ladder.
Because all we did was phone Directory Enquiries.
We got through that. And that...
Come on.
This isn't Geldof organising Live Aid, is it?
I imagine if he went...
(IRISH ACCENT) "Ah, it was good. I need 118118.
"Give us your fucking money."
"Sorry, I just work at the telephone exchange, Bob."
"Oh, fuck them. At least I got through to you."
I do feel like one of those people that's in a documentary, going...
(FEY VOICE) "One day I will meet Torn Cruise.
"I'll marry him."
And then Coldplay plays...
(HUMMING TROUBLE BY COLDPLAY)
And there's a picture of me going up to the shops like that.
Do you know what I mean?
Fuck me. Waste of fucking time.
(TROUBLE BY COLDPLAY PLAYING)