I'd like to see him come at me with all that "I'm a hard bastard" stuff.
I'd say, "Put the baseball bat down, send the minders home.
"It's just you and me, skin on skin."
Stripped to the waist.
He starts with me, I will destroy him.
Brilliant. And, again, this time I won't laugh.
Exactly the same, I won't laugh. I promise. Okay?
- He starts with me... - I lied.
I've talked to actual SAS people, I mean, they've told me what it stands for.
What's it stand for?
Super Army Soldiers.
Okay, on "action".
DIRECTOR: Action!
DIRECTOR: Okay. ROSS KEMP: Not okay.
Super...
Full take. Okay.
Ridiculous. Okay.
Okay, this time. This time, this time. Okay.
Sorry, Jude, everyone, Carl. Okay.
What's it stand for, then?
Super Army Soldiers.
I'm fucked.
MAGGIE: No.
(MAGGIE LAUGHING)
And, action!
RICKY: Fuck off!
(RICKY LAUGHING)
I actually took too much to begin with.
- I'm a bit screwed, I think. - Yeah.
All set!
- RICKY: Told you. - Fuck.
Action.
(RICKY LAUGHING)
RICKY: Do you know what I laughed at?
- Oh, get him another cup. -It's 'cause I don't want to keep drinking it.
No, get him another cup. I can't do that.
- What are you talking about? - I can't...
Get another cup. I'm not having that.
- What? - Fucking disgusting.
But otherwise...
- Recycled fucking tea and gob. - I've got to keep drinking the tea.
- Have a little sip of tea and drink it. - But I've been...
I've been on about three cups now.
I was dressed up as a fucking genie for a day.
DIRECTOR: Yeah. Actually, just come to your right first, Ricky.
Is that all right, John?
It's a bit much on me, Martin.
Come on, love, you're like a dead horse. Put a bit of minge around it.
(CREW LAUGHING)
- That went right in my eye. - Sorry.
And action!
- Ready? - Yeah.
Okay. Last one in. And action!
- It's action. Don't say action. - I won't say action.
- Okay. Which is a problem. - Whenever you're ready.
Right. Ready? Ready?
Well, look. Right.
God! Okay, look.
Right. Ready? Look.
- Come on, then. - Stop it.
Right. Okay, here we go.
You could be up her like a rat out of a drainpipe. So, that's when...
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry it was so long. I'm so sorry.
- I was... - Having too much fun, huh?
- You play the markets, do you? - Oh, yeah.
- How's it going? Any tips? - Just always high interest.
- High interest? - Yeah, always. High interest.
Bad interest, that's low. That's bad. Low, bad, low interest is bad, yeah.
Erm...high interest, buy high...
Midsummer Night's Dream. Bottom...
- Oh, how is your diarrhoea? -It's good. Fine.
Nothing moving down there now.
And, action!
- I head-butted a horse once. - Sorry.
Why am I hearing all this shit about you think you're harder than me?
Where have you heard this?
Some geezer I've been doing a scene with.
He reckons you're far... Fucked that one up.
Jesus Christ!
- That's great. - This is silly,
but men think of that more often.
JON: Is it the fact that I've got one leg shorter than the other?
I hadn't noticed.
- JON: You hadn't noticed? - Sorry, sorry.
JON: Is it the leg?
Is it the fact that I've got one leg shorter than the other?
- I hadn't noticed. - You hadn't noticed?
- What are you doing, Ricky? - Just trying to not laugh.
There's that thing that they teach you at school.
- No. - Cha...oh-un...do...
That is actually a Cantonese word which means "free spirit". Chan-do.
WOMAN: Are we supposed to be doing that?
Action!
(THUD)
Oh, fucking hell!
LISA: Lead us, heavenly Father, lead us, over the world's tempestuous sea.
Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us
for we have no help but Thee.
I saw Steve laugh, sorry.
Don't do the face.
- What face? - You went like that...
That's because I'm really genuinely trying to see.
God! He wasn't even pulling a face!
Hold up, mate. All right. Check this out, you'll love this.
Kind of like you... Type in 58,008 into a calculator. Turn it upside down...
- It is funny. - Turn it upside down, BOOBS.
It's worth making a note of.
All right, mate, come and check this out. I typed in 58,008...
All right, mate, check this out. I've just typed in 58...
Fuck me. Sorry, this is absolutely outrageous, guys,
we're two absolute professionals.
(RICKY LAUGHING)
Cut!
All right, mate. Just check this out. I just typed in 58,008,
and, amazingly...
All right, mate, just check this out. Just...
All right, mate, just check this out. I just typed in...
RICKY: This script is hell!
Turn it upside down.
I just typed in 58,008...
All right, mate, just check this out.
I can hear you go!
All right, mate, check this out.
I've just typed in 58,008, turn it upside down. BOOBS.
Let's just keep going from there.
Action!
The thing is, I don't actually think of him. I was an eight... What?
Are you putting me off?
- I can see you out the corner of my eye. - RICKY: What, shall I get out?
No, it's all right. No. It's fine.
RICKY: I can go anywhere, it's not an important scene. Is that okay?
It's all right, I can cope with it.
Can you see that? 'Cause I'm going to cue in...
- Okay, we're running. -It's fine, really.
Six fucking BAFTAs.
(RICKY LAUGHING)
- Right. - RICKY: Three for performance,
-the other three for... - Yeah, sure. Shut up.
Settle down and action!
RICKY: It wasn't my fault. No one look at me.
There's a good bit of phlegm gonna come up any minute.
- Stop it! - No, go on. Hack it up.
I can't laugh any more, it makes my head too tight.
Do what you do in Scotland. Go on. Just blow it out.
- Okay. - I can't do it.
No, she's got a big...
- No, it's not. -It's a furball.
-It's just a cold. - Have you been licking your wig?
Just cut there for a moment.
I know a woman who would be perfect for you and she's desperate.
One more time.
Hey, listen. I know a woman who would be perfect for you and she's...
Look at my little hands.
What is up with her? I keep seeing her around.
She's got cerebral palsy.
Oh, that is another guaranteed Oscar. Seriously.
- Seriously. - Cut, that's it.
Then you just pretend you're getting it on with her.
- I couldn't do that. - Of course you could. You're an actress.
- Did you hear the...? - Yes.
- Okay, I'd like to know... - I'm sorry.
I'm hungry. This is why I like to break for lunch at about quarter to ten.
If I blew your mother's head off, who'd know, your mommy's head,
and it would just blow right off of her, and all that was left was...
if I blew...
(RICKY LAUGHING)
-20 million? -40, double it. That's right.
Plus six, 46, three days. 75 days. Biggest Christmas Day ever.
ANDY: Bye, nerd.
- I'm a nerd? - Just picking on you.
I'm a nerd. I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, I'm a nerd!
I've slapped Jennifer Aniston on her butt.
- Who are you? - Nobody.
- Who? - Nobody.
Nobody.
- Nobody. - Nobody.
- Who are you? - Okay.
Who are you?
- Clappy board. - Okay.
3-46, take four. A and B cameras.
Run out of the way,
'cause you shouldn't be in this, it will look weird.
IAIN: You're aware that I'm gay?
Not that... And you don't make a song and dance. You don't go...
I don't... No, I didn't... It didn't matter.
Well, no, you didn't... And you don't make a song and dance. You don't go,
"Ooh, hello! I'm..."
No, it's not relevant.
You're aware that I'm gay?
No, 'cause you don't make a song and dance. You're not all, like...
'Cause you don't make a song and dance about it. You're not all... (WHEEZING)
Fucking hell.
Because you don't make a song and dance. You're not all...
"Hello, I'm a homosexual."
Well, you don't make a song and dance about it. You're not all...
(WHEEZING)
Oh, come on!
Okay.
Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. Okay.
You're aware that I'm gay?
Oh, God!
- You're aware that I'm gay? - No.
Because you don't make a song and dance about it. You're not all...
(STRANGULATED) "Hello, everyone, look at me."
Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing.
This time. This time. Okay.
Come on.
You're aware that I'm gay?
Not a problem.
You're aware that I'm gay?
- You're aware that I'm gay? - No.
No, because you don't wear... It's not like you're going around,
"Oh, everyone, oh, look. Can you guess?" No, I don't.
- LES: I can't marry her. - Why? What do you know?
- Nothing. What do you mean? - No, what did you say?
It's just that I've been doing a bit of thinking and I just don't think...
Just hold for a second.
Oh, I've been in that lamp so long I'm bent out of all recognition.
- Who are you? - Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be,
but you can call me Genie.
How does somebody as big as you fit into this tiny lamp?
Don't worry, I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes.
WISHY: Can you help us? We're in danger.
- We heard him say he wants to get Aladdin. - Don't we all?
That's mental! That's mental!
We asked 100 people, "Will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?"
Our survey said...
We asked...
We asked 100 people, "Will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?"
Our survey said...
We asked 100 people,
"Do you want to go out tonight and see Les Dennis in panto?"
Our survey said...
How mad is that?
Oh, look at this website about...
Would this have been funny, him going through customs,
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."
"Oh! And this vibrating tongue for pleasure..."
"Oh! And this vibrating tongue for pleasuring fannies! Oh!" Is that funny?
Well, again, when you do it, it's got a certain something, but it's Sunday,
so, let's just keep the fannies down to minimum.
Do it.
# All you want to do is ride around Sally #
- Sing it with me now! - # Ride, Sally, ride #
- What are you doing? - Just having a sing-song.
# Ride, Sally, ride #
- What are you doing? - Just having a little sing-song.
# All you want to do is ride around Sally #
- Sing it with me now! - # Ride, Sally, ride #
- What are you doing? - Just having a little sing-song.
He looked like Beaker from the Muppets.
- Sing it with me now! - # Ride, Sally, ride #
- What are you doing? - Just having a little sing-song.
No, you can't do that.
# All you want to do is ride around Sally #
- Sing it with me now! - # Ride... #
- All her clothes fall off? - Yeah.
They fall off onto the ground and she's scrabbling to get them back on again.
But before she can get her knickers on...
She's... They fall off completely.
She's scrabbling around to get them back on,
but before she can get her knickers on...
What's yours about, if you don't mind me asking?
Well, it's... How best to explain it? You've seen me in X-Men?
I'm so sorry, Patrick, I could just think of it coming. I'm so sorry.
She's scrabbling around to get them back on,
but before she can get her knickers on, I...
I'm walking along the street and I see this beautiful girl,
and I think I'd like to see her naked...
I'm so sorry, Patrick, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know what to do other than leave the scene and let you talk to a teddy bear.
No, you see, I can do other stuff as well.
For instance, I'm riding my bike in the park,
and this policewoman says...
And she goes, "Ah!" and she's covering herself up.
And she kept trying to cover herself up, but I've seen everything anyway
and I get on my bike and I ride off. On the grass.
Okay, so it's you going around, sort of, seeing tits and stuff?
- Ask me again, ask me again. - Okay.
And I score the winning goal.
They carry me into the dressing room and there's Rooney and Beckham
-and then Posh Spice walks in and... - Her clothes fall off?
Instantly.
I thought I got away with it. I tried to look over there.
Well, what about this? I'm a sort of James Bond figure.
And I have to go to Iraq to rescue some hostages.
And I get there and they're all women.
And they're naked because their clothes have all rotted away.
Sure.
Well, what about this? I'm a sort of James Bond figure.
And I have to go to Iraq to rescue these hostages.
And I get there and they're all women.
And they're naked because their clothes had rotted off.
And I rescue them anyway and I get them into the helicopter.
I rescue them anyway and I get them into the helicopter.
And even though I'm flying the helicopter,
I can sneak a look in the mirror and I can see them, you see.
And one of them is bending over...
- You see... - Ridiculous.
What about Jono Coleman? I thought he was up for it.
Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club he's... Well, he's just not fat enough.
Sorry.
What about Jono Coleman? I thought he was up for it.
Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club he's... Well, he's just not fat enough.
What about Jono Coleman? I thought he was...
What about Jono Coleman? I thought he was up for it.
Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club he's... Well, he's not fat enough.
Keep going.
What about Jono Coleman? I thought he was up for it.
Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club he's...
Oh, God. Wait.
Okay, this is it. Okay.
Do you know where I can find a quiet place?
Now you know what I'm thinking? Of how fat Jono fucking Coleman is.
Every time, I just see him in that swimming pool like a little baby hippo.
One for the DVD?