Can I just apologise right now for the quality of this DVD extra.
We were hoping to film a kind of fascinating behind the scenes documentary
that would capture these big star names at work, seeing how they operate.
But, sadly, whenever we tried to film anything,
the camera was always missing.
And the only reason I can... Well, how can I explain it?
It's because Ricky was constantly running off with it
not to film Kate Winslet or Sam Jackson,
but to film Nigel, our editor.
RICKY: It's Nigel. Nigel Williams.
Now, it might just be me, but I'm just putting this out to the vote.
Doesn't Nigel look like a lesbian?
Don't you think? Do you know what I mean?
I think you do. Just, can you get up and just pretend you're playing pool?
Go on. All right, stand up.
- Go on. - I'll do it, but I can't see the point.
Yeah, a bit butcher. Try and be a little bit butcher.
But I ain't butch. I'm a butchist.
- He's either a little lesbian... - I'm going back to editing now.
...or a little hamster. Look at his little cheeks.
That's ludicrous.
He's brilliant. I used to sneak in while we were filming sometimes.
'Cause he was down there editing, right, at Pinewood.
Yeah, and he had this little room, and whenever I got a little bit bored
with working with Sam Jackson, Kate Winslet...
That wasn't enough to keep him focused. That wasn't interesting sufficiently.
I'd just go and film Nigel a little bit and I used to dress him up.
Hold on.
- Why do I have to look that ridiculous? - Because...
- Does it really make that much difference? - Yeah, it's so much better like that.
It looks silly if you haven't got the ears out.
You are such a such a good sport, mate.
This doesn't go unnoticed. Oh, you need a little bib, I think.
- He does anything I tell him. - Yeah.
Which is great.
Can you get that in your mouth?
- No. - Come on, try.
No. Come. Do it. Please, try.
It's bullying. Is it bullying?
It's not bullying, because I think I do it with love.
- Yeah. - I love doing it.
Sure. Sure, yeah.
Oh, come on. Put it in.
(MUFFLED) I'm going to faint.
I'm going to gag. I'm going to be sick.
- You can forget about me. - He ain't half heavy for a baby.
Why?
Some of your fans might be concerned as to what that...
What exactly the kind of dynamic is there.
- He's my editor. - Yeah.
But, you know, he's supposed to be editing the show.
- He's not, like, your plaything. - You've got to have a break.
- Everyone's got to have a break. - Not every 20 minutes.
RICKY: Have you got those pictures that I drew of you?
I have, actually.
Let's have a look. This is over a three-year period, isn't it?
Let's have a little look.
That's the first one I ever did, wasn't it?
When you told me you were going to get a pair of swimming trunks.
- Yeah. - To go on holiday.
That's the one when I first discovered you looked a bit like a lesbian.
"My go on the pool table, sisters."
And then... That's quite interesting one.
(RICKY LAUGHING)
- I'm not quite sure what that is. - Oh, God.
That's apparently me in the bathroom.
We've got the reflection.
- That's you. - Is that meant to be me?
Look at those cheeks.
What I worked on is the cheeks and the genitals.
One day, right, Nigel went to get a pudding and he couldn't carry three.
So he carried two and he gave one of them to Steve, right?
So I did this satirical cartoon.
"I've had my pudding, now you have yours."
That's so funny, God.
And I used to film him resting.
I used to be able to squeeze his ribs.
I used to play a big anaconda and he was a little pig.
- Sure. - So...
I like making him things.
- I like making him... - Yeah, but not gifts, though?
No, no. It's costumes, hats...
Extra skins.
Just a little bit of down time, innit?
Look what I've made you. This is... I must say that this isn't bought.
I made all this just out of stuff that was lying around all over.
I'm sort of like a little womble.
And look how lucky he is.
And those are your favourite things, aren't they?
- And this thing. - No, it's, it's got its own little weapon.
- Hi. - Hi. I saved this bit,
he didn't want to do this before because he's got hay fever.
I want to make him into a little pug-nosed freak.
Don't worry, don't worry.
- I'm not worried. - Yeah, but remember what I said.
I ain't worried. It's going to look stupid.
I've told you before, if you look stupid, I look stupid.
It's my reputation. I'm taking responsibility for this.
I made him a gimp mask out of gaffer tape
which was great and I had to cut him out of it and he was screaming 'cause it hurt.
- Yeah. - What?
- No, he loved it. I bet he loved it. - Yeah.
- Just helping Nigel out. - Okay.
Look at that, see it did... Oh, yeah.
I just sort of like, I don't have any, sort of, preplanned things.
I'll just see what happens, really.
(LAUGHING) It does look good. Doesn't it look good?
That one, straight up there.
- Does it hurt a little bit? - Yeah, all over.
-(LAUGHING) Does it hurt? - Especially that bit there.
Why, what does it feel like?
It's just...
I'm worried about getting it off as well.
I can't see, either.
Oh, look at little pig-boy.
- Oh, God. - Pig-boy.
He likes that. No, he likes it! He likes little pig-boy.
Look at the camera. Look at little pig-boy.
Oh, I could make you trotters.
(MAKING PLANS FOR NIGEL BY XTC)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, hi, do you want to speak to Nigel? Hold on.
- Reception. - Hello.
Hey, Jenny. Right, okay. Thanks.
Hi, Jenny. Hi, how you doing?
It's the line producer, I think.
Yes, I've got it, thank you, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, it wasn't anything. It's just full-frame.
- Sorry, I'm having trouble talking. - Can you call her back, Nigel?
Can I...?
- Ricky, speak to Jenny. - Can we call you back in two minutes?
Look at him eating! Look!
- That's great. - Quite nice, yeah.
Does he enjoy this relationship?
Well, he says he doesn't, 'cause he wriggles and he tries to get away with it
and he screams and he says "I'm gonna take you to a tribunal",
"Don't. Oh, that's hurt", "That's my eye", "Oh, you've pulled my hair out".
But, I don't know.
- But, secretly, you think, maybe. - I don't know.
- I'm not... - It's not for you to judge.
Sure.
RICKY: Well done. Good.
The ugly duckling...
(RICKY LAUGHING)
...turns into a swan.
There you go. See? Nothing to worry about.
- No, you're right, there. - What can we do next?
Brilliant.
Nigel.