(♪ "Big Brother theme)
(man) Day three. All the housemates are in the kitchen.
Nans, they always say to you:
"Don't put your coat on indoors cos you'll not feel t' benefit."
"Don't put your coat on or you'll not feel the benefit when you go out."
- "Oh! You'll not feel the benefit!" - (laughter)
They always say that. They're like that, nans.
I love you. You notice stuff. Doesn't he notice stuff?
- (Lionel) He does, yeah. - He does.
I'm starving.
I'll tell you what I fancy. A barm cake. I could murder one.
- (woman) A what? - I can't believe you've not heard of them.
- A what? - You Southern ponce. You must've.
The best cakes in t' world. When we get out of here, I'll buy you all a barm cake.
I can't believe you don't know what a barm cake is.
- You all right, boss? - (sighs)
- I'm so bored. - You should never get bored.
- I wonder what time it is. - ♪ It's Chico time
- Any idea? - Five o'clock?
- Cheers. - (laughter and chatter continues)
(sighs)
(man) Day five. Andy and Amy are in the garden.
...because you don't know when you're gonna get papped.
- They'll find an angle where... - Can I...
Why did you stop being a nursery-school teacher? That's a good job, isn't it?
Yeah, but I'm in all the magazines now. The men's magazines.
And teaching, the money's shit.
With modelling, I can earn a fortune just from whipping my clothes off.
You can't do that forever, though.
No. I'll get out of it when I've earned enough money.
Right. I'm not judging anyone for what they do. It's totally...
- Aren't you worried about what you do? - I like being famous.
No, but what you do to be famous.
You'll want to have a family of your own one day.
- Do you want kids? - Yeah.
Suppose you have a kid, a little boy, say.
He's eight years old and in school and another kid comes up to him
with a magazine and goes, "Look at what your mum did." What's he gonna say?
Well, I would hope he'd say, "Yes - she earned £800 for that photo shoot."
"And her boobs are much better than your mum's."
Yeah, I don't think he will say that, but...
Yeah.
(man) 1:05am.
- Toby is remembering old TV shows. - (all hum "The A-Team" theme tune)
(woman) A-Team!
- I pity the fool! - Mr T!
Yeah, yeah. Do you remember how in The A-Team,
no matter where they were, locked in a shed, nothing in there,
BA could always make himself a tank out of an old lawnmower and tin cans.
All the time.
(Chico) "I love it when a plan comes together."
(hums "The Sweeney" theme tune)
That's The Sweeney. But that's '70s.
The thing about The Sweeney, no matter where they were, middle of London,
- there'd always be a pile of boxes. - Surprised the actors weren't hurt.
Who was going round London putting big piles of boxes everywhere?
- Remember The Sweeney, Andy? - Yes.
The '70s were mad, though. There were some mad stuff in the '70s.
- Come on, Andy. Join in. - What?
There was some mad stuff in the '70s. It was brilliant.
Er... Vietnam. Khmer Rouge.
Idi Amin's reign of terror.
Baader-Meinhof Gang. Remember them? They used to blow shit up, didn't they?
Yorkshire Ripper. Remember him? All the murders?
I meant proper stuff. Like Space Hoppers.
- And Rainbow. Remember Rainbow? - (all) Yeah!
♪ ..streets and houses Rainbow... da da... high
Geoffrey! Oh, and whatsisname.
- Zippy. - (Chico, as zippy) Oh. Zippy!
- You must've loved Zippy. - I didn't, no.
Everybody loves Zippy. Why not?
Cos he's a mouthy (bleep).
(man) Toby is annoyed at Lionel for failing the task.
...we wouldn't be eating rabbit food now.
If you stopped telling all those "ee, by gum" jokes...
Ee, by gum? That's what I fucking do! What do you do?
- A-Team! (hums theme tune) - Shut up!
- Don't talk to the girl like that. Relax. - (arguing continues)
(man) Andy is in the diary room.
They're fine. You know?
Lisa, she's in a pop group. What's she done wrong?
Lionel's fine. He's been there, done that.
Toby's in your face.
Just shut up!
(Andy) He's like a bully.
I feel like he demands he's centre of attention.
He's the best, he's the funniest.
I wonder if that was like me.
Was I like that?
(groans)
It's all this top-dog shit.
- Shut up! - Listen to me!
Fucking shut up!
It's all right. It's a bit of a laugh.
Chico's asked me to marry him, which is quite nice,
and everybody's getting on.
Loving it. Apart from Andy.
- (Big Brother) What's up with Andy? - He's a knobhead.
- (Big Brother) In what way? - He don't join in.
Everything's a laugh. We're on telly. He should be having a laugh.
Why come on telly if you don't want a laugh? Everybody else does.
Andy just sits in the corner moaning. He's a knobhead.
- (Big Brother) How about Lionel? - Another knobhead. I forgot about him.
He will not stop going on about his bad back.
Of course... He's 112 and he's dancing. You're gonna have a bad back.
I'm not a real doctor, but even I can spot,
at that age, dancing around, something's gonna go.
Thank God it's his back. Could be his prostate.
Could be his bladder. He could shit himself.
(quiet laughter)
(Big Brother) And have things been soured since the argument?
No. No, cos I don't really care about him.
It'd be funny if he shits himself.
No, I don't think things have been soured. I don't think we ever got on.
Believe it or not, we're very different people, me and Lionel.
(Big Brother) What are your chances of winning?
I'm gonna win. I think that the British public, they've had enough of Chico.
It's not Chico time, it's Toby time.
(applause and cheering)