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(♪ "Big Brother theme)

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(man) Day three.
All the housemates are in the kitchen.

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Nans, they always say to you:

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"Don't put your coat on indoors
cos you'll not feel t' benefit."

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"Don't put your coat on or you'll not feel
the benefit when you go out."

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- "Oh! You'll not feel the benefit!"
- (laughter)

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They always say that.
They're like that, nans.

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I love you. You notice stuff.
Doesn't he notice stuff?

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- (Lionel) He does, yeah.
- He does.

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I'm starving.

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I'll tell you what I fancy. A barm cake.
I could murder one.

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- (woman) A what?
- I can't believe you've not heard of them.

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- A what?
- You Southern ponce. You must've.

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The best cakes in t' world. When we get
out of here, I'll buy you all a barm cake.

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I can't believe you don't know
what a barm cake is.

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- You all right, boss?
- (sighs)

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- I'm so bored.
- You should never get bored.

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- I wonder what time it is.
- ♪ It's Chico time

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- Any idea?
- Five o'clock?

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- Cheers.
- (laughter and chatter continues)

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(sighs)

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(man) Day five.
Andy and Amy are in the garden.

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...because you don't know
when you're gonna get papped.

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- They'll find an angle where...
- Can I...

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Why did you stop being a nursery-school
teacher? That's a good job, isn't it?

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Yeah, but I'm in all the magazines now.
The men's magazines.

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And teaching, the money's shit.

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With modelling, I can earn a fortune
just from whipping my clothes off.

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You can't do that forever, though.

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No. I'll get out of it
when I've earned enough money.

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Right. I'm not judging anyone
for what they do. It's totally...

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- Aren't you worried about what you do?
- I like being famous.

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No, but what you do to be famous.

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You'll want to have
a family of your own one day.

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- Do you want kids?
- Yeah.

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Suppose you have a kid,
a little boy, say.

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He's eight years old and in school
and another kid comes up to him

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with a magazine and goes, "Look at what
your mum did." What's he gonna say?

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Well, I would hope he'd say, "Yes -
she earned £800 for that photo shoot."

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"And her boobs
are much better than your mum's."

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Yeah, I don't think he will say that, but...

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Yeah.

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(man) 1:05am.

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- Toby is remembering old TV shows.
- (all hum "The A-Team" theme tune)

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(woman) A-Team!

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- I pity the fool!
- Mr T!

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Yeah, yeah.
Do you remember how in The A-Team,

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no matter where they were,
locked in a shed, nothing in there,

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BA could always make himself a tank
out of an old lawnmower and tin cans.

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All the time.

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(Chico) "I love it when
a plan comes together."

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(hums "The Sweeney" theme tune)

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That's The Sweeney.
But that's '70s.

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The thing about The Sweeney, no matter
where they were, middle of London,

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- there'd always be a pile of boxes.
- Surprised the actors weren't hurt.

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Who was going round London putting
big piles of boxes everywhere?

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- Remember The Sweeney, Andy?
- Yes.

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The '70s were mad, though.
There were some mad stuff in the '70s.

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- Come on, Andy. Join in.
- What?

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There was some mad stuff in the '70s.
It was brilliant.

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Er... Vietnam.
Khmer Rouge.

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Idi Amin's reign of terror.

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Baader-Meinhof Gang. Remember them?
They used to blow shit up, didn't they?

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Yorkshire Ripper. Remember him?
All the murders?

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I meant proper stuff.
Like Space Hoppers.

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- And Rainbow. Remember Rainbow?
- (all) Yeah!

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♪ ..streets and houses
Rainbow... da da... high

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Geoffrey!
Oh, and whatsisname.

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- Zippy.
- (Chico, as zippy) Oh. Zippy!

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- You must've loved Zippy.
- I didn't, no.

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Everybody loves Zippy. Why not?

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Cos he's a mouthy (bleep).

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(man) Toby is annoyed at Lionel
for failing the task.

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...we wouldn't be eating rabbit food now.

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If you stopped telling
all those "ee, by gum" jokes...

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Ee, by gum? That's what I fucking do!
What do you do?

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- A-Team! (hums theme tune)
- Shut up!

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- Don't talk to the girl like that. Relax.
- (arguing continues)

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(man) Andy is in the diary room.

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They're fine. You know?

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Lisa, she's in a pop group.
What's she done wrong?

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Lionel's fine. He's been there, done that.

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Toby's in your face.

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Just shut up!

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(Andy) He's like a bully.

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I feel like he demands
he's centre of attention.

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He's the best, he's the funniest.

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I wonder if that was like me.

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Was I like that?

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(groans)

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It's all this top-dog shit.

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- Shut up!
- Listen to me!

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Fucking shut up!

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It's all right. It's a bit of a laugh.

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Chico's asked me to marry him,
which is quite nice,

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and everybody's getting on.

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Loving it. Apart from Andy.

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- (Big Brother) What's up with Andy?
- He's a knobhead.

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- (Big Brother) In what way?
- He don't join in.

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Everything's a laugh. We're on telly.
He should be having a laugh.

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Why come on telly if you don't
want a laugh? Everybody else does.

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Andy just sits in the corner moaning.
He's a knobhead.

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- (Big Brother) How about Lionel?
- Another knobhead. I forgot about him.

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He will not stop going on
about his bad back.

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Of course... He's 112 and he's dancing.
You're gonna have a bad back.

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I'm not a real doctor,
but even I can spot,

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at that age, dancing around,
something's gonna go.

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Thank God it's his back.
Could be his prostate.

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Could be his bladder.
He could shit himself.

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(quiet laughter)

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(Big Brother) And have things
been soured since the argument?

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No. No, cos I don't really care about him.

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It'd be funny if he shits himself.

114
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No, I don't think things have been soured.
I don't think we ever got on.

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Believe it or not, we're very different
people, me and Lionel.

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(Big Brother) What are
your chances of winning?

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I'm gonna win. I think that the British
public, they've had enough of Chico.

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It's not Chico time, it's Toby time.

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(applause and cheering)