(man) And action.
- Sorry. I've got tomato all over my chin. - (laughter)
I only wanted a corner of it. It all came out.
- (Ricky) Can we have a napkin? - Makeup!
You know, the energy and the... and the wisdom.
- Not saying you're old. - (interference)
(man) Sorry, guys. We've got to cut. Someone's got a phone on.
Oh, shit. It's me.
Sorry, guys. That was pathetic.
(Ricky) It's like the FBI out there.
We didn't know!
Oh! It's Christmas! You're treating me like a cunt.
(laughter)
(shrieks with laughter)
Shh!
- Is it meant to sting? - (woman) It's for sensitive skin.
It's really stinging. Am I gonna have a fucking rash tomorrow?
- I think I'd better wipe it off. - (laughter)
- (man) ls your pulse up? - Well, no, it's hurting.
(man #2) Amber, did you hit something?
- There should be a bit of pain. - It's like fucking pepper spray.
(man) Cut there.
(tap dances)
She live in London?
Really?
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Andy Millman.
Oh, he's a deaf bugger. Andy Millman!
(clears throat) Excuse me.
- Hi! - Oh, you...
(laughter)
You...
(Brains) Just take it in your hand and grip it lightly.
(excited grunt)
- (Rita) Like that? - Oh, that's good.
Now, first take a deep breath and blow.
- Don't suck. - (quizzical grunt)
- And then put your fingers... - (laughs)
Oh, God!
Just take it in your hand and grip it lightly.
- (Rita) Like that? - That's good.
(excited grunt)
Now, first, take a deep breath and blow.
- Don't suck. - (excited grunt)
And put your finger over the hole.
Take a deep breath and blow.
(quizzical grunt)
- Don't suck. - (grunts)
And put your finger over the...
Fuck me! I'm so sorry. OK, same place.
Take a deep breath and blow.
What the...?
(Brains) Don't suck.
And then put your finger over the hole.
Andy, no one's gonna help your career but you.
Ooh!
- OK. - Sorry.
(♪ "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" by the Smiths)
- Pull back or I can't help you. - What about my head?
Brainiac? What about my head?
I'm sorry!
- Pull back. - I am, I am. Go.
It's all right. We're all right. Well done, mate.
Might just need to tidy that up, though.
Let's get back to business. Hang it up there.
I can't help unless you pull!
It's fine. It was just a bit...
That was... We're all right, though. We're OK.
- Well done, mate. - You all right?
I'm fine, mate. It's a bit of a mess, so you might need to sort that out.
But good work. Good work. Just pop that up there.
- Want to get a start on that tidying? - Still, the coat's not broken.
- It's a nice coat, actually. - Think the phone might be gone, though.
- Don't mention it to anyone. - (laughter)
To me, having Britain's number-one catchphrase
is the same as having Britain's number-one wasting disease.
Well, you're not number one any more.
- I'm not...? - You're not number one any more.
At last, as far as I'm...
You're not number one any more.
Good, to be totally... Who's number one now?
Oh, er...
Oh, come on!
- You're not number one any more. - I'm not...?
You're not number one any more.
G... (stammers)
Sorry. Sorry.
(all laugh wildly)
Merry Christmas, everyone!
I didn't realise I wanted to be famous. I thought I wanted something else.
But obviously I do.
Why else would I be in a house full of over-the-desperate... (garbles words)
I'm doing this in Polish, then I'll do it in English later.
- Cheers. - Jonathan Ross is coming along...
- Want me to sign that? - No, you're all right, mate. Cheers.
- There's no one else in there. - No, I'll leave it.
- You'll never get it filled... - I'll leave it.
Oh, for f...
Round-headed little twat.
- There's no one else in there. - I'll leave it. It's all right, cheers.
Is that man a pinhead?
- Who's that guy? - I don't know.
- There's no one else in there. - I'll leave it, mate, yeah?
Is that the Mitchell brothers?
- There's no one else in there. - It's all right.
You'll never get it filled if you...
- Look at his round head. - Who's that?
Hey, did you hear about the gay midget?
Came out the cupboard.
Cut!