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This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour.
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HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
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BONE CRACKS, HE SCREAMS
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SIREN WAILS
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Hey, man! Look, for the last time,
I'm a superhero.
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Look at the cape. Suspect is
a black male, over. Fucking hell.
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Don't give them hot chocolate!
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Yo. Let's slow it down
for all the lovers out there.
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Even gangsters need vacations.
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Let's take it to the tropics.
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# Wanting you, loving you
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# Boy, you make my heart go crazy
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# My girlfriends tell me
you're no good
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# But your lovin' is so good
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# Yeah, you thought
I was a waste, man
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# When I had that gun
up in my waistband
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# But I'm a changed man
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# King, got you livin' in Graceland
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# Queen, you're in safe hands
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# Sex on the beach,
no more fake tan... #
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Oi!
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How many times
do I have to tell you lot?!
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This is a building site!
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You should be wearing hard hats
at the very least.
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You weren't much use, Dave!
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MAN AND WOMAN MOANING
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Oh!
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Oh, my God!
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That was amazing. Yeah.
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That thing you did
with your tongue - oh, my God!
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Hey, you've got some moves, too.
You know what?
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You're the best I've ever had.
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Yeah, I mean, same here.
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Well, top three.
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Best ever, definitely. I know,
right? That's real sexual chemistry.
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So, you want to spend the night?
Er...I've actually got a thing
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in the morning.
SHOGUN COCKS
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But, yeah, I definitely want
to spend the night.
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I've got a great feeling about us.
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Oh, OK, again? Right. OK. Not sure
if I'm quite recharged but...
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I had only just finished Mass
and came outside and, uh,
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there he was.
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FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS
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Detective Moses Mountree
reporting for duty.
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What happened to Detective Barnaby?
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Oh, I guess you ain't ever heard
of a transfer.
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Bitch!
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What in the hell happened
to this nigga?
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Well, I had only
just finished Mass...
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00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,080
No, I'm sick and tired
of your jive-ass,
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monkey-fucking hunk of shit.
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I think you did it. Me?
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I know a dope pusher when I see
a dope pusher, dope pusher.
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But I'm a vicar. Where the dope at?
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Aargh. Where the dope at?!
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I don't even know what dope is.
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Stop, he's just a vicar!
Stay out of this, bitch!
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Ooh, hello.
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How y'all doin'?
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Goddamn, Detective Mountree...
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..that was the best loving
I've ever had.
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Hell, I know.
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Don't have to tell me twice,
I'm Mountree.
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Where are you going?
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Oh, I'm just going to see
that dope-pushing vicar.
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Hand me my weapon.
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Bang, bang. Yes, baby.
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What are you going to do to him?
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00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,840
I'm going to ask him
a few questions.
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With my bullets...
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..in his dick.
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Jesus, can you hear me?
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I don't know where else to turn.
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I'm desperate.
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I need your help.
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I can hear you, my son.
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I have always been listening.
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Who are you?
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It is I, Jesus.
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I heard your prayer
and I've come to help you.
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You're not Jesus.
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I... I am.
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But doesn't Jesus look
a bit more like...?
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Oh!
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Oh, I see, you, er...
You thought I'd be white.
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Kind of, yeah. Look,
I don't know what to tell you.
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I was born in the Middle East
2,000 years ago,
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the Bible's very clear about that.
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It should be pretty obvious I don't
have blonde hair and blue eyes.
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I guess so.
Plus, have you heard my story?
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I was arrested by a mob
of angry government officials
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and beaten for a crime
I didn't commit.
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That shit doesn't happen
to white people.
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And there was some confusion
over who your father was.
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OK, that's just racist. Sorry.
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It's just...
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You're not really
what I was expecting, that's all.
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Would you like me to fetch
white Jesus instead?
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Oh, could you? No!
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There is no white Jesus.
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It's just me.
Now, do you want my help or not?
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Yeah, I suppose so.
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After all, you know, black or white,
we're both still Christians, right?
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00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,120
I'm guessing now's not the time
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to tell you I'm Jewish.
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It was nice, huh?
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Ask if there's some leftovers.
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Yeah, my sister,
there are some leftovers.
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Leftovers. Some leftovers.
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Oh, hello!
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Hey. Hey.
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THUNDER RUMBLES
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BIRD CRIES
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Hold.
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Hold...
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Hold!
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ANIMAL SNORTS
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IN SLOW MOTION: Noooooow!
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ROARING
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It was a nice party.
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Yeah, the young people know how
to have fun these days, you know.
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And she looked good.
123
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She says her hair is 100% Kanekalon.
Uh-huh.
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Night, Auntie, goodbye!
125
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Goodbye, Auntie! I believe she
just came for the leftovers.
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Shame. No sense.
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My sister, how is Adetonkom?
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Ah, he is well!
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MUSIC
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Exclusive newsflash
for a man like me, Scribbler P
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Hey, yo, keep it on the down-low,
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00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:04,200
but Prince Harry's gone and bagged
himself a sister! Mad ting!
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00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,400
But here you are,
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00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,360
the royal family's been down
with the swell for time!
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00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,400
Look at Prince Charles, moving wine,
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00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,400
Harry and Rihanna looking fine!
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00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,800
Rihanna, that is. Man,
don't float them ways, you get me?
138
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,600
Although big up to Harry, though,
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00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,880
he's now way better-looking
than the other one, innit?
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The bald brother.
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00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,720
Even the really old coloniser
likes his chocolate dark,
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00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,400
and African! Go on, Auntie!
143
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,520
Look at Harry run from that dowry!
144
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,760
What you scared of?!
145
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,320
Hey, man - good job these
photographers had an opportunity
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00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:39,000
to take photos of all this
integration
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00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,720
between the royals and black people!
148
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,560
But I'm sure Prince Charles stays
jamming with carnival girls
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00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,000
all the time anyway, innit?
150
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,720
Prince Harry wearing shades
and cooking up garri,
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00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,520
finally he met a sister light enough
to marry!
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00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:56,240
"Hear ye, hear ye, I hereby announce
mixed-race babies cute as fuck!"
153
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,640
"Knock-knock, delivery for Madonna!"
154
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:03,000
Oi! One question, though -
where's your 'fro gone, girl?
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00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,880
Burn them European beauty standards
156
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,040
and embrace your natural
pepper grains!
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00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,720
And also, yeah, put a word in
for me for Pippa, innit?
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00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,280
She's kind of meaty still,
you get me?
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00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:19,360
Hey, man, that's all the news
from man like me, Scribbler P.
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00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,720
HE GASPS
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Er... Thanks for seeing me,
Your Holiness.
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I was hoping you could help me.
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You wish to lose weight.
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00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,680
Wow, yes. How did you know?
165
00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:00,560
Professor Lofuko knows all things.
166
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,760
OK, so how...? How... How do I...?
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00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,600
Sshhh...
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00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,480
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
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00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,760
UNEARTHLY WHISPERS
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00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,680
GOAT BLEATS
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00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,320
Give me your hand, child!
172
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,360
To lose the weight,
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00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:39,240
you must rub this potion on your
stomach before and after every meal,
174
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,160
always facing east.
175
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:45,840
But never on the first Sunday of
every month, you hear me, child?
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00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,720
Yes! Do you hear me?
Yes! I hear you!
177
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,960
And now, are you ready
for your final instructions?
178
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,760
I'm ready! You must listen
carefully. I'm listening!
179
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,680
You must... You must...
180
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,680
You must...!
181
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,160
Go for a jog!
182
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,760
What?
183
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:10,120
Yes, jog a few times a week and
stop eating so much, fuckin' hell.
184
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,800
75 quid.
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00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,240
Bruv.
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00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,240
# I don't know what
you heard about me
187
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,200
# But a bitch can't get
a dollar out of me
188
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,000
# No Cadillac, no perms,
you can't see
189
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,040
# That I'm a motherfuckin' P-I-M-P
190
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,600
# I don't know
what you heard about me... #
191
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,160
Hey, man, what the fuck?!
192
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,640
Can-can I help you?
Do one, bruv!
193
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,240
Eurgh. Racist!
194
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:40,960
Hello, there.
195
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,680
SHE LAUGHS
196
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,320
Bye-bye, Shanghai!
197
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,480
Fantastic Egusi Films
198
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:53,280
and multi-award-winning director
Tobias Akinbobo present
199
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,840
their soon-to-be explosive
blockbuster juggernaut -
200
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,040
Faster Faster
Angry Angry!
201
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,360
If you love cars
and guns and angry people,
202
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,840
then you will love this
totally original movie films!
203
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,440
..as undercover Agent Folarin.
204
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,920
You have to infiltrate
a merciless gang of bandits
205
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,720
and drag racers!
206
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,520
The leader of the gang
is a man named Cisco.
207
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,320
HE LAUGHS
208
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,160
You will have to race him...
209
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,640
..to the death!
210
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,160
To the death?
211
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,160
To the death!
212
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:35,400
To the death!
OK! Fuckin' hell!
213
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:44,000
Featuring the muscular torso
of Babatunde Warrington!
214
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,000
WOLF WHISTLE
215
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,760
With the acting debut of a very
well-known hip-hop artist...
216
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,440
MONOTONE: Goddammit, I am angry,
I am so fucking angry,
217
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,680
I've never been so angry before
and I'm close to tears.
218
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,440
I'm in a blind fucking rage.
219
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:04,480
..who will then release
a tie-in musical single.
220
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,520
# Swerving lanes and drivin' fast
221
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,600
# Real brothers had to
get this cash... #
222
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,040
Authentic stars!
223
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,920
Overly sexualised flag-waving!
224
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,600
Ooh!
225
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,440
And cars!
226
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,720
Lots and...and lots of cars!
227
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,000
Seriously, we have a fucking lot
of cars in this film!
228
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:31,120
Oh, yes, and it's also
in three dimensionals.
229
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,960
Aaargh!
230
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,200
So long, Cisco!
231
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,800
Faster Faster Angry Angry!
232
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,160
MUFFLED: Help me!
233
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:58,560
Control, we've found
the Prime Minister.
234
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:02,200
Help! No sign of the suspects.
235
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,520
Help me!
236
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:10,280
What is it, Sarge? Do you think
we should call the bomb squad? Sh!
237
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,560
Prime Minister,
we will get you out of here.
238
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:18,400
I'm going to need you to stay very,
very still, all right?
239
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,280
HE LAUGHS
240
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,880
Come on! Clap, clap, clap, shake.
Go on, girl!
241
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,880
Look at the bunny!
242
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,520
# Can you do a split on the D?
Hey! #
243
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,800
THEY LAUGH
244
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,440
Oi! Shut it!
245
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:47,840
Sort him out.
246
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,880
That bunny cracks me up!
247
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,640
Welcome back to Wake Up Now
248
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:03,440
on Channel 8701 with myself,
William, and my wife... Funke!
249
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,640
Joining me now is James
250
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,000
from Brack-in-ell who,
because of his own negligence,
251
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,040
has had his home repossessed.
252
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,840
What a shame my own lying, cheating
bastard of a husband, William,
253
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,720
a most unsatisfactory lover,
254
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,160
cannot repossess his own self-worth
and dignity!
255
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,400
HE LAUGHS
256
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,800
My trout-mouthed heathen
of a spouse is wrong!
257
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,480
Because as fate would have
rendered it, I have been fucking Sue
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00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,760
in the make-up department
for a few weeks now!
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00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,200
And we are loving it.
260
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:37,440
She's tight in the popular region,
polar opposite of Funke.
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00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,680
Correction, I am very tight.
If my husband had some extra width
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in the vital departments,
he would not be left wanting!
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00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,200
Oh, is that James?
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00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,240
Hello, James, are you there?
265
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,280
H-hello, hello, William...
William and Funke.
266
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,120
I'm here, I'm...
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00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,960
Oh, just tell us
about your fiscal collapse.
268
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:03,400
OK, erm... I lost my home, I lost
my girlfriend, I lost everything.
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00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,280
I don't even know
what I'm going to do.
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00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,960
For starters,
you can act like a man now!
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00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,520
But she's gone and I...
I don't know if she's coming back.
272
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,240
I just don't know what I'm going
to do! You need to find yourself
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00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,400
another babe,
you disgrace of a man!
274
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,520
And when you find this other babe,
you need to hold her by the hips...
275
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:23,880
Mmm. ..and tell her you love her
and you can never let her go.
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00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,920
And that...you love her,
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00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,880
and she's the only one.
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00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,040
You've gotta be the man for her.
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00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,440
Kiss me, you sexy bastard!
280
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,160
I want to contain your plantain!
281
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,880
Ha, la-la-la-la, bam-bam,
he-lam, tam-tam!
282
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,320
Come on!
283
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:47,000
What about my problem?
BOTH: Fuck your problem!
284
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,520
I like peanut butter on my nipple!
285
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,360
Don't make me shoot yo' ass!
286
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,680
Oh, you don't know about
no dope, huh?
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00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:28,200
Y-you're a bad motherfucker,
Moses Mountree.
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00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,160
Oh! Amen to that!
289
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,560
# Midsomer Motherfuckin'
Murders, nigga
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00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:37,400
# Black man in a white man's world
Yeah!
291
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,200
# Driving cars, finding dope
292
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,880
# And killin' vicars
With his .44 Magnum
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00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,720
# Don't fuck around with
Moses Mountree
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00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:44,880
# He's the baddest... #
295
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,760
Thank you for coming today,
everyone.
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00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,600
When I was asked to pay tribute
to Nathan,
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00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,560
I thought long and hard about
what I wanted to say about him.
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00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,040
But then I realised...
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00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,760
..I didn't need to.
300
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:09,920
Because the best way to honour
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00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,360
this great and poetic man...
302
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,520
..is to let his music speak for him.
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00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,600
So, let's hear from Nathan.
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00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,840
# I got some titties in my truck
305
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,880
# Titties for good luck
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00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,640
# Let me seem them titties
307
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,320
# Cos a brother wanna suck
308
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,640
# Sing it with me, nigga
309
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,560
# Fuck, shit, ho,
pussy, drugs and guns
310
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,840
# Fuck-fuck-fuck, shit,
ho, pussy, drugs and guns
311
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,040
# Fuck-fuck-fuck, shit, ho, pussy,
drugs and guns
312
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,920
# Titty-titty bang-bang,
titty-bang, titty
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00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,280
# Small titty, big titty,
areola, nippy
314
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,280
# Titty-titty bang-bang,
titty-bang, titty
315
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,080
# Small titty, big titty,
areola, nippy
316
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,080
# Titty-titty bang-bang,
titty-bang, titty
317
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,000
# Small titty, big titty,
areola, nippy
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00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,040
# Titty-titty bang-bang,
titty-bang, titty
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00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,960
# Small titty, big titty,
areola, nippy. #
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00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,240
He really did love big tits.