This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
BONE CRACKS, HE SCREAMS
SIREN WAILS
Hey, man! Look, for the last time, I'm a superhero.
Look at the cape. Suspect is a black male, over. Fucking hell.
Don't give them hot chocolate!
Yo. Let's slow it down for all the lovers out there.
Even gangsters need vacations.
Let's take it to the tropics.
# Wanting you, loving you
# Boy, you make my heart go crazy
# My girlfriends tell me you're no good
# But your lovin' is so good
# Yeah, you thought I was a waste, man
# When I had that gun up in my waistband
# But I'm a changed man
# King, got you livin' in Graceland
# Queen, you're in safe hands
# Sex on the beach, no more fake tan... #
Oi!
How many times do I have to tell you lot?!
This is a building site!
You should be wearing hard hats at the very least.
You weren't much use, Dave!
MAN AND WOMAN MOANING
Oh!
Oh, my God!
That was amazing. Yeah.
That thing you did with your tongue - oh, my God!
Hey, you've got some moves, too. You know what?
You're the best I've ever had.
Yeah, I mean, same here.
Well, top three.
Best ever, definitely. I know, right? That's real sexual chemistry.
So, you want to spend the night? Er...I've actually got a thing
in the morning. SHOGUN COCKS
But, yeah, I definitely want to spend the night.
I've got a great feeling about us.
Oh, OK, again? Right. OK. Not sure if I'm quite recharged but...
I had only just finished Mass and came outside and, uh,
there he was.
FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS
Detective Moses Mountree reporting for duty.
What happened to Detective Barnaby?
Oh, I guess you ain't ever heard of a transfer.
Bitch!
What in the hell happened to this nigga?
Well, I had only just finished Mass...
No, I'm sick and tired of your jive-ass,
monkey-fucking hunk of shit.
I think you did it. Me?
I know a dope pusher when I see a dope pusher, dope pusher.
But I'm a vicar. Where the dope at?
Aargh. Where the dope at?!
I don't even know what dope is.
Stop, he's just a vicar! Stay out of this, bitch!
Ooh, hello.
How y'all doin'?
Goddamn, Detective Mountree...
..that was the best loving I've ever had.
Hell, I know.
Don't have to tell me twice, I'm Mountree.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm just going to see that dope-pushing vicar.
Hand me my weapon.
Bang, bang. Yes, baby.
What are you going to do to him?
I'm going to ask him a few questions.
With my bullets...
..in his dick.
Jesus, can you hear me?
I don't know where else to turn.
I'm desperate.
I need your help.
I can hear you, my son.
I have always been listening.
Who are you?
It is I, Jesus.
I heard your prayer and I've come to help you.
You're not Jesus.
I... I am.
But doesn't Jesus look a bit more like...?
Oh!
Oh, I see, you, er... You thought I'd be white.
Kind of, yeah. Look, I don't know what to tell you.
I was born in the Middle East 2,000 years ago,
the Bible's very clear about that.
It should be pretty obvious I don't have blonde hair and blue eyes.
I guess so. Plus, have you heard my story?
I was arrested by a mob of angry government officials
and beaten for a crime I didn't commit.
That shit doesn't happen to white people.
And there was some confusion over who your father was.
OK, that's just racist. Sorry.
It's just...
You're not really what I was expecting, that's all.
Would you like me to fetch white Jesus instead?
Oh, could you? No!
There is no white Jesus.
It's just me. Now, do you want my help or not?
Yeah, I suppose so.
After all, you know, black or white, we're both still Christians, right?
I'm guessing now's not the time
to tell you I'm Jewish.
It was nice, huh?
Ask if there's some leftovers.
Yeah, my sister, there are some leftovers.
Leftovers. Some leftovers.
Oh, hello!
Hey. Hey.
THUNDER RUMBLES
BIRD CRIES
Hold.
Hold...
Hold!
ANIMAL SNORTS
IN SLOW MOTION: Noooooow!
ROARING
It was a nice party.
Yeah, the young people know how to have fun these days, you know.
And she looked good.
She says her hair is 100% Kanekalon. Uh-huh.
Night, Auntie, goodbye!
Goodbye, Auntie! I believe she just came for the leftovers.
Shame. No sense.
My sister, how is Adetonkom?
Ah, he is well!
MUSIC
Exclusive newsflash for a man like me, Scribbler P
Hey, yo, keep it on the down-low,
but Prince Harry's gone and bagged himself a sister! Mad ting!
But here you are,
the royal family's been down with the swell for time!
Look at Prince Charles, moving wine,
Harry and Rihanna looking fine!
Rihanna, that is. Man, don't float them ways, you get me?
Although big up to Harry, though,
he's now way better-looking than the other one, innit?
The bald brother.
Even the really old coloniser likes his chocolate dark,
and African! Go on, Auntie!
Look at Harry run from that dowry!
What you scared of?!
Hey, man - good job these photographers had an opportunity
to take photos of all this integration
between the royals and black people!
But I'm sure Prince Charles stays jamming with carnival girls
all the time anyway, innit?
Prince Harry wearing shades and cooking up garri,
finally he met a sister light enough to marry!
"Hear ye, hear ye, I hereby announce mixed-race babies cute as fuck!"
"Knock-knock, delivery for Madonna!"
Oi! One question, though - where's your 'fro gone, girl?
Burn them European beauty standards
and embrace your natural pepper grains!
And also, yeah, put a word in for me for Pippa, innit?
She's kind of meaty still, you get me?
Hey, man, that's all the news from man like me, Scribbler P.
HE GASPS
Er... Thanks for seeing me, Your Holiness.
I was hoping you could help me.
You wish to lose weight.
Wow, yes. How did you know?
Professor Lofuko knows all things.
OK, so how...? How... How do I...?
Sshhh...
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
UNEARTHLY WHISPERS
GOAT BLEATS
Give me your hand, child!
To lose the weight,
you must rub this potion on your stomach before and after every meal,
always facing east.
But never on the first Sunday of every month, you hear me, child?
Yes! Do you hear me? Yes! I hear you!
And now, are you ready for your final instructions?
I'm ready! You must listen carefully. I'm listening!
You must... You must...
You must...!
Go for a jog!
What?
Yes, jog a few times a week and stop eating so much, fuckin' hell.
75 quid.
Bruv.
# I don't know what you heard about me
# But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me
# No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see
# That I'm a motherfuckin' P-I-M-P
# I don't know what you heard about me... #
Hey, man, what the fuck?!
Can-can I help you? Do one, bruv!
Eurgh. Racist!
Hello, there.
SHE LAUGHS
Bye-bye, Shanghai!
Fantastic Egusi Films
and multi-award-winning director Tobias Akinbobo present
their soon-to-be explosive blockbuster juggernaut -
Faster Faster Angry Angry!
If you love cars and guns and angry people,
then you will love this totally original movie films!
..as undercover Agent Folarin.
You have to infiltrate a merciless gang of bandits
and drag racers!
The leader of the gang is a man named Cisco.
HE LAUGHS
You will have to race him...
..to the death!
To the death?
To the death!
OK! Fuckin' hell!
Featuring the muscular torso of Babatunde Warrington!
WOLF WHISTLE
With the acting debut of a very well-known hip-hop artist...
MONOTONE: Goddammit, I am angry, I am so fucking angry,
I've never been so angry before and I'm close to tears.
I'm in a blind fucking rage.
..who will then release a tie-in musical single.
# Swerving lanes and drivin' fast
# Real brothers had to get this cash... #
Authentic stars!
Overly sexualised flag-waving!
Ooh!
And cars!
Lots and...and lots of cars!
Seriously, we have a fucking lot of cars in this film!
Oh, yes, and it's also in three dimensionals.
Aaargh!
So long, Cisco!
Faster Faster Angry Angry!
MUFFLED: Help me!
Control, we've found the Prime Minister.
Help! No sign of the suspects.
Help me!
What is it, Sarge? Do you think we should call the bomb squad? Sh!
Prime Minister, we will get you out of here.
I'm going to need you to stay very, very still, all right?
HE LAUGHS
Come on! Clap, clap, clap, shake. Go on, girl!
Look at the bunny!
# Can you do a split on the D? Hey! #
THEY LAUGH
Oi! Shut it!
Sort him out.
That bunny cracks me up!
Welcome back to Wake Up Now
on Channel 8701 with myself, William, and my wife... Funke!
Joining me now is James
from Brack-in-ell who, because of his own negligence,
has had his home repossessed.
What a shame my own lying, cheating bastard of a husband, William,
a most unsatisfactory lover,
cannot repossess his own self-worth and dignity!
HE LAUGHS
My trout-mouthed heathen of a spouse is wrong!
Because as fate would have rendered it, I have been fucking Sue
in the make-up department for a few weeks now!
And we are loving it.
She's tight in the popular region, polar opposite of Funke.
Correction, I am very tight. If my husband had some extra width
in the vital departments, he would not be left wanting!
Oh, is that James?
Hello, James, are you there?
H-hello, hello, William... William and Funke.
I'm here, I'm...
Oh, just tell us about your fiscal collapse.
OK, erm... I lost my home, I lost my girlfriend, I lost everything.
I don't even know what I'm going to do.
For starters, you can act like a man now!
But she's gone and I... I don't know if she's coming back.
I just don't know what I'm going to do! You need to find yourself
another babe, you disgrace of a man!
And when you find this other babe, you need to hold her by the hips...
Mmm. ..and tell her you love her and you can never let her go.
And that...you love her,
and she's the only one.
You've gotta be the man for her.
Kiss me, you sexy bastard!
I want to contain your plantain!
Ha, la-la-la-la, bam-bam, he-lam, tam-tam!
Come on!
What about my problem? BOTH: Fuck your problem!
I like peanut butter on my nipple!
Don't make me shoot yo' ass!
Oh, you don't know about no dope, huh?
Y-you're a bad motherfucker, Moses Mountree.
Oh! Amen to that!
# Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga
# Black man in a white man's world Yeah!
# Driving cars, finding dope
# And killin' vicars With his .44 Magnum
# Don't fuck around with Moses Mountree
# He's the baddest... #
Thank you for coming today, everyone.
When I was asked to pay tribute to Nathan,
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say about him.
But then I realised...
..I didn't need to.
Because the best way to honour
this great and poetic man...
..is to let his music speak for him.
So, let's hear from Nathan.
# I got some titties in my truck
# Titties for good luck
# Let me seem them titties
# Cos a brother wanna suck
# Sing it with me, nigga
# Fuck, shit, ho, pussy, drugs and guns
# Fuck-fuck-fuck, shit, ho, pussy, drugs and guns
# Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty
# Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy
# Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty
# Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy
# Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty
# Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy
# Titty-titty bang-bang, titty-bang, titty
# Small titty, big titty, areola, nippy. #
He really did love big tits.