1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,680 This programme contains very strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,680 ENGINE REVS 3 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:10,800 TYRES SQUEAL 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,360 ANGRY SHOUTING 5 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,960 Get down there! 6 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,080 ANGRY SHOUTING 7 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:17,440 On the floor now! 8 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:20,960 ANGRY SHOUTING 9 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:26,240 THEY LAUGH 10 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,880 Those masks are ridiculous. 11 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:30,960 Of all the masks to pick, eh? 12 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,920 THEY LAUGH 13 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,920 This is bullshit, man. I told you we should've got better masks! 14 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:39,360 It's Kim Jong-un, innit? I thought it was fucking scary. 15 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,560 For God's sake! 16 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,520 Argh! Argh! 17 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,560 Don't hurt us. Don't hurt us! 18 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,840 Don't hurt us! Here, take it. 19 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,320 Take the money! Take the money. Just take it. 20 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,400 Take it. Take it and go. 21 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:56,440 Please. 22 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:04,160 MUSIC: Mashup The Dance by Major Lazer featuring The Partysquad & Ward 21 23 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,520 Fantastic Egusi Television, 24 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,320 in conjunction with televisual giant Igbo Entertainments. 25 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:37,240 From multi-Kemmy-award-winning director Tobias Akinbobo. 26 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,360 With Babatunde Warrington as Icy John, the Bastard. 27 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,800 Abiola de la Fufu as Kalypso, the Mother of Dragons. 28 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,080 Fly, my pretties. 29 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:57,400 And Folarin Soyinka Oyenusi James as Tiny Worm, 30 00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,200 the leader of the men without cocks. 31 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,840 Nothing? Nothing. 32 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,200 Nothing? Nothing. 33 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,040 And also starring... 34 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,560 Ah, look, there is a lot of characters. 35 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,240 Fucking lots of them. 36 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,760 But basically, they're all fighting over a very nice chair - 37 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,600 that's all you need to know. 38 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,360 Featuring expositional intercourses... 39 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,320 We need to bolster our border defences. 40 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,040 But most importantly we must finish fucking, yes? 41 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,280 For sure, sis. 42 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,240 ..oh, yes - and incest, 43 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:32,920 friendship, betrayal... 44 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,880 ..with politically correct smaller people. 45 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,440 I want more wine. And prostitutes. 46 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,000 That's enough wine and prostitutes. 47 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,040 Nonsense! 48 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,360 WHINING 49 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,320 Utilising state-of-the-art motion capturings... 50 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:48,760 GROWLING 51 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,480 ..and also... 52 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,040 ..white walkers. 53 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:59,000 Featuring characters you've grown to love, who then die unexpectedly. 54 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,640 Argh! Argh! 55 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,760 With exclusive bonus feature... 56 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,720 Ed Sheerants! 57 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,080 No, seriously, Ed fucking Sheerants. 58 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,760 Can you imagine that? 59 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,800 Coming soon. 60 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,000 The dead communicate 61 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:23,440 in a complicated and dangerous language. 62 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,520 But never fear - 63 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:31,400 I shall be your guide, as we attempt to communicate with the other side. 64 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,840 Please put your fingers on the glass 65 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,840 as we cross over into the spirit realm. 66 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:41,920 WHISPERING 67 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,160 Is there someone there? 68 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,440 Yes. 69 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,560 Do you have a message for someone here? 70 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,400 Dave. 71 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,880 What's your message for Dave? 72 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,320 U... 73 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,120 ..R... 74 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,240 ..A... 75 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,240 ..shit. 76 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,200 You are a shit. 77 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,360 Do you know who may have sent you this message, Dave? 78 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,240 I can think of quite a few people, actually. 79 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:36,600 POLICE RADIO CHATTER 80 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,720 I do hope you can solve this crime. 81 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,760 It's so utterly appalling. 82 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:50,200 1970S-STYLE COP SERIES MUSIC 83 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,440 Detective Moses Mountree reporting for duty, motherfuckers. 84 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:07,040 Hello! And Detective James Patterson, also on the case. 85 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,520 It's my first day, so... 86 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,280 Who in the fuck are you? 87 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:12,880 Sorry, I'm your new partner. 88 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,560 James. James Patterson. 89 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,840 An absolute pleasure to be working alongside you. 90 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,160 Let's listen here, Honky. Ah! 91 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,120 Detective Moses Mountree works alone, 92 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,760 and he sure as hell ain't going to be working with no cracker-ass 93 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,000 black-hatin' cop with an itchy trigger finger! What? 94 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,000 I'm not black-hating, definitely not. 95 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,560 I'm black...loving. 96 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,560 I've completed a number of very thorough diversity training courses. 97 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,920 Fuck your diversity training courses, bitch! 98 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,880 This is an affluent village in middle England. Life's tough as hell on these streets, 99 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,560 and I don't think you've got what it takes. 100 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,080 Detectives! Please stop fighting. 101 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,160 I need you to find my husband's killer. 102 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,200 Aw, would you shut the fuck up and stop...! 103 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,520 HE RANTS 104 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,560 Ooh! 105 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,360 Well, hello! 106 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,600 Sucky-lucky, look at you! 107 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,240 Hoo! 108 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:10,320 Wowser! 109 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:15,320 MOANING 110 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:17,680 SHE SCREAMS 111 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,760 You're going to get some anaconda! 112 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,400 Detective Mountree? 113 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,120 Could I have a quick little word with you, please? 114 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,160 What is it, Patterson? 115 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,400 Can't you see I'm trying to make sweet love to that women in there? 116 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:37,000 For the sixth time. I can see that, actually. 117 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,680 I guess I'm wondering if it's entirely appropriate for you to be making... 118 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:41,880 ..sweet love to her. 119 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:46,080 Oh, you've got a problem with me making love to that white women, huh? 120 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,680 You don't like the black man sticking his big black veiny nightstick 121 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,160 all up in your female, is that it? 122 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,520 No, trust me, I'm completely pro-interracial relationships. 123 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:55,560 I think they're great. 124 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,320 It's just the fact that she is the murder victim's wife is all, 125 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,680 and also, she's currently one of the suspects we're looking at. 126 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:03,720 Suspect! 127 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,280 Jesus Christ. Cover me, Patterson! 128 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,560 HE GRUNTS 129 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:09,800 Argh! Argh! 130 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,520 Case closed. 131 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,800 # Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga 132 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,880 # Black man in a white man's world... # 133 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,680 I mean, I did just say she was a suspect. 134 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,400 We probably should've asked her some questions first. 135 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:27,000 Motherfucker, don't you ever interrupt a brother's title sequence! 136 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,560 # Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga 137 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,960 # Black man in a white man's world 138 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,000 # Yeah 139 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,000 # Shootin' guns, solvin' crimes and fuckin' bitches 140 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,640 # With his anaconda. # 141 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:42,800 Oooh! 142 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,520 Oooh! 143 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,520 SHE GIGGLES 144 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,760 All right, baby, can we use some protection? 145 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,720 Really? Really. 146 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,760 I thought maybe this time we could try it without. No. 147 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,600 But it really kills the mood. 148 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,280 I don't care, I'm not arguing about this. 149 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:08,560 Fine. 150 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,960 I implore the great god Katonda, creator of people, 151 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,200 father of all the other gods, king and judge of the universe, 152 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:21,240 to stop my powerful seed from penetrating into this woman's soil. 153 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:31,080 Mmm. 154 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,960 Zuzu. Zuzu mama. 155 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,840 Tata bu, tata. 156 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,320 You know we're still using a condom, though, right? What? 157 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,520 # Bi-di-bi, bi-di-bo bi-di-see-bo-pree 158 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,240 # It's time to talk Olympics with a man like me, Scribbler P 159 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,480 # But not the good Olympics I'm talking about the white Olympics 160 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,120 # I mean the Winter Olympics 161 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,800 # White people have the right to win races too, innit? 162 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,360 # Featuring jumping on skis 163 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:03,480 # Racing on skis, jumping and racing on skis 164 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:04,720 # Ah... 165 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,520 # Polar bear shooting? 166 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,840 # And what the fuck? Are you kidding me, bruv? 167 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:10,920 # But here's what... 168 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,960 # There's pure black people in the Winter Olympics too, innit? 169 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,920 # Check out my man Akwasi Frimpong from Ghana-na-na-na-na-na! 170 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,160 # Finishing last, but with swagger 171 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,560 # Vanessa James, staggering on ice 172 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,400 # Mae-Berenice with rhythm and spice! 173 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,200 # Wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel 174 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,280 # And wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel 175 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,640 # And wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel and... 176 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:36,280 # Come again! Hang tight, hang tight, 2018 177 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,920 # Nigeria have a bobsled team! 178 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,680 # And it's the first time they've ever been seen 179 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:44,440 # And, holy shit, there's sisters too 180 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:45,640 # Go on, get them! 181 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,480 # No, but seriously, my auntie Ethel from Trenchtown would be like 182 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,080 # The Michael Jordan of...whatever the fuck sport this is 183 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,040 # Bi-di-bi, bi-di-bo bi-di-see-bo-pree 184 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,880 # That's all the Olympics from men like me 185 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,600 # Scribbler P, P, P, P. # 186 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,000 MUSIC: Lovely Day by Bill Withers 187 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,480 HE EXHALES 188 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,360 Baby, I've done your granola! 189 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:06,720 Sorry I have to dash off. 190 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:07,840 I have to be in early today. 191 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,800 Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, all right, all right! 192 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,600 What, you got all the breakfast laid out and that, yeah? 193 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,960 She's going to love this. 194 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,320 Look, Danny, I really don't have time for this today. 195 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,880 Aye, here's the plan, yeah? So you're just going to sit there, 196 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,320 like you're just chilling, like you don't even give a shit, 197 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,560 then when Emma comes down, I'ma start bigging you up, 198 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,960 like, "Oi, see my man over there - 199 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,840 "he's a proper bad man, you understand? 200 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,560 "Like I heard he's got bad girth and that - you hear me, bad girth? 201 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,920 "And he gets 'nuff gal..." 202 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,600 Look, Danny, you're a nice guy, 203 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,600 but I really, really don't need a wing man any more. 204 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,960 What? I've got a fiancee. 205 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,160 Emma. We've been together for five years. 206 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:45,520 Like, Emma keeps asking questions like, "What is he doing here? 207 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,920 "Why does he keep winking at me?" 208 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,160 Perfect wing manning, innit? 209 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,840 I don't need you any more! 210 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,040 All right. 211 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,120 Here, just take these. 212 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,520 Two tickets to the Valentine's Day Parade. 213 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:02,600 Aw, thanks, man. 214 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,080 Emma will love that. Emma better get a ticket, then, 215 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,760 cos there's going to be bare girls there, my lord! 216 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,720 HE LAUGHS 217 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,160 Life in the big city can be tough sometimes. 218 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,520 But there's no problem too big, when you've a little bit of sass. 219 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,800 Jimmy, no! 220 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,440 What up, girl? 221 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,040 It's Jimmy. 222 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,160 He's getting married! 223 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,880 Uh-uh. Don't shed no tears for that frog-ass lookin' man, baby. 224 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,160 I know your mamma didn't raise no fool, mmm. 225 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,040 What am I going to do? 226 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,720 I tell you what you're going to do. 227 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,160 You going to go to that wedding, girl. 228 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,840 Mmm! You going to buy you a new dress, 229 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,760 you going to hoick them titties up to your chin, 230 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,840 you going to make his eyes fall out of that ugly wedding cake, girl! 231 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,400 Mm-hm! 232 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,480 You really think that I should go? 233 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,720 Don't make me march your skinny white butt down there. 234 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,080 Mmm! 235 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,200 I'm going to my soul mate's wedding! 236 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,360 You go, girl! Woohoohoo! 237 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,760 THEY SCREAM 238 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,640 Aye, so now let's talk about my problems. 239 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,960 Sorry, what? 240 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,680 Well, you know, I-I just helped you with your stuff, 241 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,920 and I thought we could talk about my problems. 242 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,960 Oh, right, it's just that I have to go and buy a dress, 243 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,880 and book a flight. 244 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,640 Wow. 245 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,240 I... Friendship's kind of a two-way street. 246 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,360 You see, normally I have a problem, 247 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,560 and then you tell me what I should do. 248 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,880 That's how it works, erm... 249 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,120 Er... T... 250 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,600 You don't know my name, do you? 251 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,920 Of course I know your name. 252 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,720 I...I want to say Yolanda... 253 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,320 ..Sapphire? 254 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,680 Vonda? Bitch, I'm outta here. 255 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:56,920 Suddenly I realised that black people weren't just sassy two-dimensional characters. 256 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,240 They were real people with feelings and emotions, 257 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,080 and they deserved... Eliza? 258 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,440 Yas, queen! 259 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:08,400 Oh, my God, it's my sassy, black, gay friend! That is even better. 260 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,760 Snap, snap. Mm-hm! 261 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,240 Do you, Samuel Roberts, take Emma Radcliffe 262 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:22,640 to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do. 263 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,440 And you, Emma, do you take Samuel to be your wedded husband? 264 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:27,480 I do. 265 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,680 Ra ra ra ra ra! 266 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,320 I do. Mad, I do and that. 267 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,040 She's on to you, blood. 268 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,240 Not now, Denny! 269 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,600 All right, cool, cool, cool. Listen. Just, just play it cool. 270 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,360 Make her think you're a catch, and that. 271 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,920 Look at his trim, doll. 272 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,520 Look at his trim, doll. 273 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,920 Your man. Sorry. 274 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,320 Does the best man have the ring? 275 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,520 Yeah, blood. Run that. 276 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,560 Let me land this there. 277 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,360 Look at that. 278 00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:00,000 Bling bling. Diamonds, you understand? Nice. 279 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,240 You're winning! 280 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,560 HE LAUGHS 281 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,520 # Yeah I'm livin' the highlife 282 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,360 # Champagne in the bright lights 283 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,760 # Turn my pain into highlights 284 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,560 # And then I fly away 285 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,600 # Hey 286 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,960 # Can't no-one tell me how this ain't real, this ain't real 287 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,000 # No-no, no-no 288 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,400 # Can't no-one tell me how this ain't real 289 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,440 # This ain't real 290 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,240 # When the city feels grotty 291 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,160 # Grab the hotties and head to Lanzarote 292 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,080 # Just bust case the jakes are trying to stop me 293 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,560 # Now I'm feeling like Gotye 294 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,360 # Spanish women call me papi 295 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:36,400 # Hello, papi 296 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,680 # Lamborghini's in the lobby 297 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,760 # Now they're squeezing on my floppy 298 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,280 # Fly away like an osprey. # 299 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:44,880 Oi! 300 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,720 For the last time, get off my fucking boat. 301 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,360 Come on, 302 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,520 get the hell out. 303 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,280 You call that music? 304 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,480 Wankers. 305 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,440 I'm in here. 306 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,960 Are you going to be much longer? 307 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,880 Almost through. 308 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,440 I've done Facebook, Instagram, 309 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,360 Twitter, Snapchat, BBC News, checked my e-mail, the weather, 310 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,920 Facebook again, updated my apps, checked my Uber rating, 311 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,960 ordered a Deliveroo, Facebook again, 312 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,480 so I just need to check Facebook again and I'm done. 313 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,680 Get out. 314 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,320 I actually need the loo. 315 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:33,640 At last. All yours. 316 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,640 Oh, hang on, now I need a shit. 317 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,400 Ooh, Thundercats is on Netflix! 318 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:41,960 OK, breathe... 319 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,560 ..and push. 320 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,040 SHE SCREAMS 321 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,680 And push. 322 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,040 You're doing great, baby. 323 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,600 Keep going. That's it. 324 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,640 One more big push. 325 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,480 You're so amazing, baby. 326 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,200 I'm so proud of you. 327 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,800 Yeah, that's it, bruv. Chicks love compliments, innit? 328 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,720 Ask her if she's done some of that air, yeah? 329 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,440 Not now, Denny. What do you mean, not now? 330 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,240 She's lying on her back. This is the perfect time for you to move in. 331 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,240 Yes, because she's giving birth to my daughter. 332 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,000 All the more you've got in common, innit? 333 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,280 Hey, Emma, hey, listen. 334 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,640 You like Bolognese? You like Bolognese? 335 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,920 My man there makes the best Bolognese. 336 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,800 One word, cinnamon. 337 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,760 Fuck off. Fuck off. 338 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,040 Fuck off. 339 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:34,040 I can see the head. Baby, I can see the head. 340 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,960 This is perfect, bruv. 341 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,120 Cos chicks love kids, bruv. 342 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,880 You're deffo going to beat, fam. 343 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:51,080 Welcome back to wake up now and Channel 8701 with myself, William, 344 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,160 and my wife. 345 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,240 Funke. Join us today. 346 00:16:54,240 --> 00:17:00,320 We have world-renowned celebrity chef Vincenzo Pazuzo. 347 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,520 Ciao. Our boy Vinnie, are you there? 348 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,240 Vinnie, come in. 349 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,960 I am right here, Funke. 350 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,880 OK, so today we're going to be looking at 351 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,360 some pasta dishes that are very easy to make. 352 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,720 As you are getting your hands in the dough, 353 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,320 you're going to really fluff it up. 354 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:23,880 Oh, signorini. You know I'm the master fluffer. 355 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,760 Yeah. 356 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,520 OK, so, yeah, really get your hands in the dough, really knead it. 357 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,880 I really "need" this dough. 358 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,120 If it's a really knotty and kinky, you're going to work this kinks out. 359 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,880 I like the "naughty" and the kinky. 360 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,520 Here is one I made earlier. 361 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:49,840 OK, so now you've made your dough - it's fluffy and light, 362 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,840 now you're going to put it in the shaper. 363 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,760 GROANING 364 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,200 William, Funke! 365 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:02,240 HE SINGS 366 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,080 Hey, Vincenzo, 367 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,880 pass me an egg. 368 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,720 HE EXCLAIMS 369 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,160 Don't you fucking move. Put your gun down. 370 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,680 Get down. You fucking put it down. 371 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,920 Put it down! Put your fucking gun down. 372 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,480 Put it down. Put it down. 373 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,560 Put it down. 374 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,040 All right. Slowly, slow, slow. 375 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,280 I've put it down. Step back. 376 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,320 Yeah. No sudden steps. 377 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,200 Just take it easy, just relax, just relax. 378 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,280 What are you doing? What are you doing? 379 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,440 Just take it easy. What the fuck are you doing? 380 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,560 I'll fucking shoot you, man. Nothing. 381 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,240 What is it? 382 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,120 PIANO MUSIC 383 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,440 It's just some cats. 384 00:18:58,440 --> 00:18:59,640 That's lovely, eh? 385 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,160 Cats. 386 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,920 You love cats, don't you? I love cats. 387 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,120 How about this one? 388 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,280 So sweet. It is, ain't it? 389 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,520 Aww, he's jumping... 390 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,520 Sort him out. No going back now. 391 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,040 What? What are you doing? No, come on. 392 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,080 Please, I just want one more cat video. 393 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,960 One more cat video, please? 394 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,600 Please? 395 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,520 GUNSHOTS ON VIDEO GAME 396 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:29,560 PHONE BEEPS 397 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,040 Look who it is. 398 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,880 We happily announce you've won the top prize 399 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,400 in the Nigerian lottery. 400 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,480 You can claim three million US dollars. 401 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:49,280 To receive your prize you will need to pay a processing fee to transfer 402 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,080 the fund. Please supply your bank details, blah blah blah. 403 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,320 Congratulations, Prince Al-Yussi Islasses. 404 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,560 What a scam! 405 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,640 Delete! 406 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:16,360 But why? I don't understand it. 407 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:20,600 Every week, I draw the balls from the machine, but the winner never gets 408 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:24,280 back to me. There are millions to be claimed. 409 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,280 I would play myself but the rules have forbadden. 410 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,960 It's forbid... It's forbadden. 411 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,360 So much money to be claimed. 412 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:39,200 # So much money, but the people they don't want it 413 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,960 # So much money, but they never call Al-Yussi. # 414 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,360 Back in the game, blood! 415 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,120 Yeah. New tings and that. 416 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,880 You all right, babes?