This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
CLUB MUSIC PLAYS
# Fire up that loud Another round of shots
# Shots, shots
# Turn down for what?
# Turn down. #
Want to be black?
Well, now you can, with Black World VR!
Includes...
Girth sold separately.
Hi, you got any drugs?
We didn't do anything!
Black World VR.
Be black without actually having to be black!
MUSIC: Mashup the Dance by Major Lazer ft the Partysquad and Ward 21
Well, just stick with me, because that's the kind of guy I am.
THEY LAUGH
So, do you like it?
Mmm, this is delicious.
I could eat another plateful, seriously.
Seriously.
It's a little bit spicy, but...
GUN CLANKS LOUDLY
I mean, it's perfect, absolutely perfect.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it!
Yeah, I love it. So, do you want some dessert?
Actually, I feel a little bit full.
GUN CLANKS LOUDLY
I'd love some dessert, what is it? It's cheesecake. Cheesecake?
Cheesecake! I fucking love cheesecake.
Oh, perfect.
It's all for you. Open your mouth, open it wide.
My cheesecake...
Oh... Mm...
Oh...
Ah, ah, ah!
Fantastic Egusi Television presents
the 11th Bi-Annual Annual Kemmy Awardings Ceremonials.
The next award is the big one.
Here are the nominees for Best Actor in a Televised Movie...
MUSIC STARTS MUSIC IMMEDIATELY TRAILS OFF
BANGING
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS
Babatunde Warrington in Evil Computer World Reloaded.
Hwa! Huh! Huh!
You see, I don't even need to look at all of you.
I will slap you, I don't even need to look at you.
Babatunde Warrington for Itch The Clown.
Babatunde Warrington for Moses II The Alternative Commandments.
Do you see?!
Thou shall not lie with a goat,
unless the goat is, er...
..really fine, and you're pretty desperate.
Lakon Bamidele
in Devil Get The Hell Out Of Here exclamation mark.
This poor innocent has been beguiled by the flames of Lucifer.
And now, the winner for the Best Actor in a Televised Movie...
Lakon Bamidele!
Yeah!
Lakon Bamidele, Lakon Bamidele, Lakon Bamidele...
Oh, my God. I want to thank our director,
the venerable and well-regarded Tobias Akinbobo.
I see you, Tobias.
And I want to thank this random white guy here.
I don't really know why you are here, but diversity is so important.
Do you know what? Fuck this shit, man.
Without you, none of...
What is...? What...?
Listen, listen, brother.
I'm gonna leave you alone, I'm even going to leave you alone,
but let me tell you something.
Evil Computer World Reloaded was a masterpiece.
Moses II had the highest grossing audience share
in the history of this network.
This is a fucking outrage!
Don't touch me. If you ever touch me again,
I will pull that stupid blue dred out of your hair.
Grown man. You give me this statue...
No, no, it's mine! I will take this statue.
No, no, put down... Don't touch me!
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
DISJOINTED AUDIO
SHE GASPS
SHE WHIMPERS
DISJOINTED EERIE WHISPERS
OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES
MUSIC STOPS This is her with her favourite teddy,
Giggles the Bear.
And here she is, trying to eat mashed carrot for the first time.
Please, they all look the same.
They all look exactly the same.
This is one of her squeezing out a giant poo.
It was so funny.
ECHOING CACKLES
SHE SCREAMS
Welcome to Blackass, and it's another day of drunk stunts.
Another day! Drunk stunts, bro!
Today's drunk stunt will be me bull's-eyeing this apple
off Cruise's dome with a golf ball
while she downs this 160-proof bottle of rum.
Yeah! Holy shit!
Chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug!
You ready for this? Drunk stunt! You ready? Ready!
Right... BOTH: Three, two, one...
Drunk stunt!
Wait, wait. Is it just me or does this feel a little like...
Like what?
..like white-people shit?
Not particularly, no. Yeah, you're good.
Really? You're good. Yeah, yeah.
All right, OK. Drunk stunt! Drunk stunts!
Drunk stunt!
OW! Fuck.
Ah, yeah, I see it now.
Definitely some white-people shit.
You bastard!
Yo, this is a message for the so-called Stratford Soldiers
from the E19 Posse.
We heard you've been stepping on our turf.
Try it again and you'll get SMOKED, fam!
Hey, E19 pussies.
Look where we are, we're in your postcode
and I don't see you doing nothing about it!
Maybe cos you're too stupid to actually read the street signs, innit?
Message over.
Firstly, you pulled some bold moves coming on our turf.
Secondly, what you said about us not being able to read,
that's actually pretty offensive, fam.
Yeah? Cos our mandem Darren has got dyslexia
and it's been holding him back at school for a while now,
so don't say it again!
We didn't actually know about Darren's dyslexia.
That's obviously not great,
and we wish him all the best with his daily struggles.
And we weren't going to mention this, yeah, but our boy Jake here...
Raise your hand, Jake.
His mum's in a wheelchair and he's actually been her carer
since he was 12 years old.
So you accusing him of not being sensitive to disability issues
is actually quite upsetting.
Look, no lies,
we just want to say we had no idea
about Jake's mum being in a wheelchair.
I've actually got a bunch of pamphlets here
about dealing with difficult issues in your personal life.
They've got bare information in them.
I know we said you can't come on our turf,
but I'm going to leave them on the side of Breadnut Road and Sutton Street,
so if you do want to come and take a look, that would be cool, fam.
We got your pamphlets, yeah?
And we left you a lemon sponge cake there by way of a thank you.
Stratford Soldiers, where did you man get that sponge cake?
It was bare moist and light.
E19 Posse, you're not going to believe this, yeah,
but I actually baked it myself.
I'd tell you the secret of my moist lemon sponge,
but then I have to probably kill you.
Message over.
So you're threatening to kill us now?
Is it? Listen, fuck your recipe.
Bring your cake to the wall, fam.
Your cake was dead!
You're not Mr Kipling! That's...!
This place is really nice, really classy, great cocktails...
Oh, I love a cocktail. ..great crab meat.
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
Oh, no! This guy that I'm matched with on Lovestruck
keeps sending me messages. OK.
Listen to this, "Dear Miss, I am Prince Alaisu Islassis."
Oh, Islassis. "I have read your profile
"and I'm declaring my undying love for you.
"As a token of my love, I have 100 red roses for you.
Oh, 100! Oh, my God, and an elephant!
An elephant? An elephant?
An elephant!
HE BADLY IMITATES AN ELEPHANT
What a dickhead!
Delete!
But why?
I don't understand this.
Why is she not getting back to me?
I'm a millionaire prince!
I love her so much, and I'm so lonely in here.
SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS
All I have is a bunch of roses.
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
Oh, yeah, and an elephant.
Not now, Nimrod!
Can't you see I'm heartbroken?
Princes don't cry...
Princes don't cry!
COMPUTER BEEPS
Oh, Nimrod, we have a new match!
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
CROWD CHEERS
What did you make of the performance you saw tonight?
Dead, blud.
What do you want me to say, fam? Dead, fam.
Joke ting, fam. You call that fucking Premier League, fam?
Them man on how much a week?
And they come out playing like that, fam?
10-1, blud! 10-fucking-1, blud.
I'm done with this, blud. I'm done with this shit, blud.
I'm done with it. I'll back out on any man.
No-one can't chat nothing to me, fam.
I'm done with this, blud. It's a disgrace, fam.
Well, see you next week, Real Madrid?
Of course, blud. Back again!
Fan TV, out.
SIRENS WAIL
Hi there. Can I help?
Yeah, actually. Me and my husband just had our first child.
Congratulations. Thanks. And is everything OK?
Well, it is, but...
..we really wanted a cute Instagram baby,
and this is not a cute Instagram baby.
Sorry, Instagram baby?
Yeah, you know, one of the ones that get lots of likes and shares
and maybe makes it onto the home page.
We wanted one of them ones, didn't we, babes?
Yeah, Instagram baby, innit.
Yeah, but instead we got this one and, well, look at it.
I mean, it's just, like, all squashed and shrivelled,
and it looks like a little old man,
and it's supposed to be a girl.
Well, most new babies are a little shrivelled.
Oh, OK, so what you're saying is
it will eventually grow into a cute Insta baby? Er...
And how long will that take, exactly?
Well, I'm not sure... And I guess you would recommend
not to post any pictures until it ripens out
and is a bit less disgusting?
No, I didn't say that. OK, so post pictures but Photoshop them?
No. OK, so hire a cuter baby?
Ha! Genius!
Jesus. I'm calling social services.
OK, and is that the company that rents the cute babies?
No, they're going to take your baby away from you.
OK, and then when will the new, better baby arrive?
It won't! You're not getting a new baby!
Then what the hell am I supposed to post?
Like, me out at restaurants and in nightclubs and holiday and...?
Oh, that will work out great, actually.
Thanks!
Come on, babes.
BABY CRIES
Poor baby...
Eurgh!
CROWD CHEERS
What did you make of the performance you saw tonight?
Blud, waste of time, fam, utter joke, utter pointless, fam.
It's a joke ting, fam.
That was the worst performance of Hamlet
I've ever seen in my life, blud.
You call that RSC? You call that Royal fucking Shakespeare, blud?
That's a joke ting, blud.
I could do a better play in my back garden, fam.
To be fair, the young Danish lad, he did his ting, innit,
coming off the wings and that? Yeah, he did. But then he started
mumbling and that. Why's man mumbling? To be or not to fucking
be, fam, answer the question, innit?
I was just very aware that I was watching a play.
I don't deserve this, fam.
It was... It was quite boring, actually.
It was quite, yeah, quite boring. Blud, that's what I'm saying, blud.
Why'd you need to jump in the ting, fam?
He's very good, he's won Oliviers... Blud, he's a dinosaur.
I don't care what you say, it's a disgrace.
I'm done with it, blud. I'm done with it, blud.
The costumes were good, though.
See you next week for Coriolanus at the National?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Can I have a bag, please?
Sure, it'll be 5p.
Excuse me?
5p.
# Been spending most their lives
# Living in a gangsta's paradise. #
Coming soon to a cinema near you,
a superhero film...
..where there's bare black people!
Fucking loads of 'em.
Like, more than Birmingham.
# Ba-da-ba ba-da-bo ba-da see-bo-pee. #
It's time for some black cinema history, with man like me,
Scribbler P.
Ay yo, Black Panther's sick.
even though the stream I watched it on kept buffering,
I still thoroughly enjoyed it, innit?
But let's take a look back at all the cape-wearing brothers
and sisters who blazed the trail for all these black superheroes
we have today. And they don't come no blacker
than man like Wesley Snipes,
who starred in two amazing Blade films...
and then also starred in another Blade film.
Big shout-out to Shaquille O'Neal,
keeping it real in an obscure movie called Steel.
Ay yo, small print, this younger don grew up to make a sex tape
with Kim K.
Gwan, my G!
And who could forget Blankman?
Uh! Uh!
Ooh!
Yeah.
Uh.
Nah, maybe actually we should forget Blankman, innit...
Shout out to Halle Berry,
representing the sisters and creating a storm.
In my pants!
Stay woke.
Check out Meteor Man, doing what ever Superman can,
although slightly limited by the special effects of the time.
It's well worth checking out online,
although you may want to fast forward the Bill Cosby bits.
Yeah. Or you could just watch Black Panther again, innit?
Though make sure you don't hook onto your neighbour's shit Wi-Fi
like I did.
That wasteman needs to upgrade to fibre optics.
Dickhead!
# Ba-da-ba ba-da-bo ba-da see-bo-pee
# That's all the black cinema history from man like me
# Scribbler P. #
So, what did you make of that?
Fam, what the fuck was that, blud?
What the fuck was that? What kind of display is that, fam?
You call this a fucking tasting menu, fam?
What kind of tasting menu is this, fam?
Fam, my scarf tastes better than this bludclart menu, you know?
The scallops, mad underseasoned, fam.
Mad underseasoned. I don't understand where...
Just put too, too salt in the thing, fam.
I'll bring out the banners, I don't care, fam, I'm done with this shit.
I'm done with this shit. It's a utter disgrace, fam.
The ice cream was nice, though.
# No gyal can tell me 'bout my mother
# 16 shot We go longer than a ladder
# Dem nuh fi talk 'bout the real don dada
# Put body in a pot Dem a bun like grabba
# No boy can diss me or my mother
# Round here ain't safe Everybody need armour
# 16 shot We go shotta any bluddah
# Rah-ta, rah-ta Ka-kah, ka-kah, ka-kah
# Kah-ka-ka-ka-ka
# Can tell me 'bout my mother
# 16 shot We go longer than a ladder
# Dem nuh fi talk 'bout the real don dada
# Put body in a pot Dem a bun like grabba
# No boy can diss me or my mother
# Round here ain't safe Everybody need armour
# 16 shot We go... #
SHE GRUNTS
# Ka-kah, ka-kah, ka-kah, ka-kah Kah-ka-ka-ka-ka #
Thank you for seeing me, your Holiness.
Why you come to me?
Basically, I'm worried that my husband
is becoming disinterested in me.
And you wish him killed?
What? No.
I just want him to show some interest in me again.
Shhh!
Oriama.
Untuh-no.
Oriama.
Ashantuma.
Swenkledama.
Unturo.
Give me your hand, child!
You must drink this potion.
But only on dates which have the number seven in them
and preferably have Smooth FM playing gently in the background.
Now, are you ready for the final instruction?
Yes, I'm ready. Definitely?
Yes!
You must...
..get a new weave.
What?
Get a new weave. This one does nothing for you.
Splash out a bit, get something Brazilian.
This is your marriage after all, fucking hell.
75 quid.
No. No?
Mr Lafuko, I'm Detective Pearson
and you have been committing fraud.
And also illegally housing and sacrificing wildlife.
I will curse you for your insolence.
# Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
# Ingonyama nengw'... #
That's the theme from The Lion King.
Oi!
# The circle of life
# And it moves us all
# Through despair and hope. #
You will regret this.
You will regret this!
I will bring a curse upon you!
A curse upon your families!
Ow, ow, ah!
Look at the strength!
Another Saturday evening.
What did you think of what you just saw?
It was dead, blud.
What would you want me to say, fam? You call that a wedding?
Look at this invite, fam. Where's the graphic design?
Dead! I'm telling you, blud, I'm done with this shit, blud.
The mother of the bride, the mother of the bride, she's dead, fam.
She's got to go, blud.
She's a fucking dinosaur, blud.
I'm done with her, blud.
I'm done with her. There was no pride,
no passion in her speech, fam.
It's not going to last, blud.
Bun this, fam. Bun it, fam.
The bridesmaids looked banging, though.
You fucking wanker, Paul!
You can take your fucking wedding ring back.
Mum was right about you all along.
Are you sure we shouldn't call for backup?
I'm pretty sure it's procedure.
Fuck procedure!
Take this Uzi.
An Uzi? I... I've never fired an Uzi before.
Just aim it at whitey and pull the motherfucking trigger.
Okey-dokey. Let's do this!
Next time, get the proper planning permissions before you erect a fence
in my village, motherfuckers!
Right, Patterson?
Patterson!
Ah, Patterson!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No!
Oh, Patterson, you're the best goddamn partner I could ever have.
Oh! You my brother, man.
Come on, Patterson. I'm not going to ever,
ever find another partner like you, man.
Patterson!
Hey, sugar.
Goddamn!
Detective Chocolate Brain reporting for duty.
Would you shut... In the motherfuck... Fucking shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Can't you see I'm trying to do my thing
with that white woman over there?
Hello! Get the hell out of my way, nigga.
Oh come on, man.
# Midsomer motherfucking Murders, nigga
# Black man in a white man's world
# Yeah Driving cars, finding dope
# And hitting vicars
# With his .44 Magnum He's...
# Checking planning permissions Woo!
# Stopping blackface jigging Woo!
# And fucking old white women Woo!
# But Patterson's dead
# Midsomer motherfucking Murders, nigga... #
Patterson!
# But he still loves fucking white women. #