1 00:00:52,766 --> 00:00:56,282 It's a big waste. Chewing gum for the eyes. 2 00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:58,324 No, thanks, Ted. 3 00:00:59,368 --> 00:01:01,758 Anyway, I've got these crisps here. 4 00:01:01,849 --> 00:01:06,163 I get a cheese and onion one and a salt and vinegar one 5 00:01:06,251 --> 00:01:07,969 and I eat them in the same go. 6 00:01:12,933 --> 00:01:15,083 That leak is getting worse, Dougal. 7 00:01:15,173 --> 00:01:18,166 We'll have to move himself and put that bucket under it. 8 00:01:18,254 --> 00:01:20,210 Right. Fair enough, Ted. 9 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,531 I'm a happy camper! 10 00:01:26,856 --> 00:01:29,291 God, that'll cost a fortune to fix. 11 00:01:29,377 --> 00:01:32,655 Where will we get the money? How can we raise some money? 12 00:01:32,739 --> 00:01:34,013 Hmm... 13 00:01:34,099 --> 00:01:35,977 Yes, I know! A-ha! 14 00:01:36,060 --> 00:01:37,574 A-ha... 15 00:01:37,660 --> 00:01:39,970 - Are you thinking what I am? - I think so. 16 00:01:40,061 --> 00:01:41,289 Yes! 17 00:01:41,381 --> 00:01:43,020 But now, wait, I'm not sure. 18 00:01:43,102 --> 00:01:44,582 What? 19 00:01:44,663 --> 00:01:47,701 I mean, it is a big step and where will we get the guns? 20 00:01:51,064 --> 00:01:52,817 What are you talking about? 21 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:56,342 Actually, I might've been thinking something different. 22 00:01:56,426 --> 00:01:59,464 You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you? 23 00:01:59,547 --> 00:02:00,742 I did. 24 00:02:00,828 --> 00:02:03,343 Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. 25 00:02:03,429 --> 00:02:05,989 I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle. 26 00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:09,859 - What'll we have as a prize, though? - You got me there, Ted. 27 00:02:09,951 --> 00:02:14,662 Under diocese rules, we're allowed a raffle prize every couple of years. 28 00:02:14,752 --> 00:02:16,106 It's stopped, Ted. 29 00:02:18,593 --> 00:02:21,870 We have to move him. Where's the thing for waking him up? 30 00:02:21,954 --> 00:02:23,593 There it is. 31 00:02:31,197 --> 00:02:33,507 (Ted) Father... Father, it's only us. 32 00:02:33,599 --> 00:02:35,271 GET TO FECk! 33 00:02:35,359 --> 00:02:37,919 - Come on, Father... - Drink! 34 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:41,150 Don't drink that, Father, no! It's... 35 00:02:41,241 --> 00:02:43,516 Feckin' water! 36 00:02:47,403 --> 00:02:51,112 ..and the island hasn't been given anything to raffle 37 00:02:51,203 --> 00:02:54,436 since those two bags of coal in 1964. 38 00:02:54,525 --> 00:02:58,360 I-I think we're entitled, under the rules of the diocese... 39 00:03:00,166 --> 00:03:02,681 Oh, that'd be great! That's wonderful! 40 00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:05,646 Thank you very much, Your Grace! Thanks again. 41 00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:08,368 All right. Bye, Bishop Brennan. Bye. 42 00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:12,127 No luck, then? 43 00:03:14,491 --> 00:03:17,484 Lots of luck, Dougal. We're being given a car. 44 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:19,403 A car! That's a brilliant prize! 45 00:03:19,492 --> 00:03:22,565 It's not that unusual. Father Finnegan got one. 46 00:03:22,654 --> 00:03:26,534 You know him, the Dancing Priest - dances for peace. 47 00:03:26,614 --> 00:03:28,732 Oh, yeah. Is he still going? 48 00:03:28,816 --> 00:03:31,775 Yes, indeed. He danced across America last year. 49 00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:33,609 New York to Los Angeles. 50 00:03:33,697 --> 00:03:35,973 He was mugged about once every 15 miles. 51 00:03:36,058 --> 00:03:41,339 Great! We'll have the roof sorted in no time. Did you hear that, Father? 52 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,540 (Mrs Doyle ) Cup of tea, Fathers? 53 00:03:50,623 --> 00:03:52,261 No, thanks, Mrs Doyle. 54 00:03:52,343 --> 00:03:53,935 What do you think of her? 55 00:03:54,024 --> 00:03:56,016 Nice. Are you sure you won't have a cup? 56 00:03:56,104 --> 00:03:59,734 - It's our raffle prize. - Right. Just a drop in your hand? 57 00:03:59,825 --> 00:04:01,657 Go inside. I'll take the tray. 58 00:04:01,746 --> 00:04:05,582 All right. I'll put the kettle on in case you want some more. 59 00:04:05,668 --> 00:04:08,785 Oh, God, Ted! There's a dent in the car! 60 00:04:08,868 --> 00:04:10,348 What?! 61 00:04:12,230 --> 00:04:14,949 - Where's the dent? - Just there, Ted. 62 00:04:15,030 --> 00:04:16,510 God, how did that happen? 63 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,627 When you hit that fella on the bike. 64 00:04:18,712 --> 00:04:22,467 Don't mention that to anyone. Anyway, I saw him get up. 65 00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:26,672 It's not too bad. I can straighten it out with a hammer. 66 00:04:26,754 --> 00:04:28,313 Have a look in that box. 67 00:04:33,917 --> 00:04:37,796 Oops, I didn't mean to do that. I'll just tap it the other way. 68 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,556 It's no use. You'll never get it absolutely right. 69 00:04:57,483 --> 00:05:01,273 (Sighing) I thought I had it there a while ago, you know. 70 00:05:01,365 --> 00:05:05,075 She was looking all right. But like an eejit I kept banging away. 71 00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:09,320 You're a perfectionist, Ted, you know? It's not too bad. 72 00:05:09,408 --> 00:05:11,046 Let's have another look. 73 00:05:14,729 --> 00:05:18,200 (Ted) No...no, we can't give that away as a prize. 74 00:05:18,730 --> 00:05:21,689 Why not sleep on it? See how you feel in the morning? 75 00:05:21,771 --> 00:05:23,728 Maybe you're right. 76 00:05:26,412 --> 00:05:31,283 (Ted) AH, JESUS, WE'RE DEAD! OH, GOD ALMIGHTY! 77 00:05:33,335 --> 00:05:35,292 Calm down there, Ted! Come on! 78 00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:39,576 Calm down? We've just destroyed a car that's worth seven grand! 79 00:05:39,657 --> 00:05:42,331 Come on, Ted. It'll look better in the morning. 80 00:05:42,418 --> 00:05:44,979 Dougal, we're dead. The Bishop will kill us! 81 00:05:45,058 --> 00:05:47,176 We're dead! We're dead! We're dead! 82 00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:52,651 Thanks, Dougal. I probably needed that. 83 00:05:52,742 --> 00:05:55,210 But don't ever do it again. 84 00:05:55,302 --> 00:05:57,021 Now, what are we gonna do? 85 00:05:57,102 --> 00:05:59,537 - We could run away. - No, they'd find us. 86 00:05:59,623 --> 00:06:01,740 - They always do. - Oh, right. 87 00:06:04,304 --> 00:06:07,342 What about that other fella? The Dancing Priest. 88 00:06:07,426 --> 00:06:11,136 Finnegan! Yes! It'd be the same type of car! 89 00:06:11,227 --> 00:06:14,584 How could we get him to give it to us? 90 00:06:14,668 --> 00:06:18,344 Maybe... Maybe we could just get a lend of it. 91 00:06:18,429 --> 00:06:21,707 But the raffle winner won't want to give it back. 92 00:06:23,511 --> 00:06:27,586 Now, Dougal, this is going to sound very, very immoral, 93 00:06:27,673 --> 00:06:30,312 but stay with me. 94 00:06:30,393 --> 00:06:35,423 What if... What if we organised the raffle so that we won it? 95 00:06:35,515 --> 00:06:37,631 Then we could bring the car back. 96 00:06:37,716 --> 00:06:40,674 Oooooohhhhh! 97 00:06:40,757 --> 00:06:44,956 Oooh, that'd be terribly wrong. I don't think we should do that. 98 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,836 It wouldn't be cheating, really. 99 00:06:46,919 --> 00:06:49,434 It would just be a case of structuring the raffle 100 00:06:49,519 --> 00:06:53,355 so the return reaches the benefactors rather than the beneficiaries. 101 00:06:53,441 --> 00:06:54,715 Hmm. 102 00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:56,678 Dougal, seriously. Listen. 103 00:06:56,761 --> 00:07:00,391 If Bishop Brennan finds out we wrecked the car, he WILL kill us. 104 00:07:00,483 --> 00:07:04,318 And murder is a terrible, terrible sin, Dougal. 105 00:07:04,404 --> 00:07:10,197 So, by committing this little sin, we'll be saving a bishop's soul! 106 00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:16,960 Fair enough, then, Ted. 107 00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:21,126 (Violent sneezing) 108 00:07:22,530 --> 00:07:26,001 Come on, Father. We're off to see the Dancing Priest. 109 00:07:26,091 --> 00:07:27,969 (Birds squawking) 110 00:07:28,051 --> 00:07:30,168 (Jack) Feckin' feckin' eejit! 111 00:07:31,453 --> 00:07:33,091 Gobshites, all of you! 112 00:07:36,774 --> 00:07:38,652 Right, off we go. 113 00:07:42,256 --> 00:07:44,292 (Clattering) 114 00:07:48,938 --> 00:07:52,136 (Ted) God, look at it! It's the same colour and all. 115 00:07:52,219 --> 00:07:54,290 You mind Jack. I won't be a moment. 116 00:07:54,380 --> 00:07:56,133 But, Ted! 117 00:07:56,221 --> 00:07:58,291 (Sneezes) 118 00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:00,978 ( # Pop music) 119 00:08:06,384 --> 00:08:07,704 Liam. 120 00:08:07,784 --> 00:08:10,663 Oh, Ted! Come on in. Will you join me? 121 00:08:10,745 --> 00:08:13,783 What? Me dance? Oh, I'm not much of a dancer, no. 122 00:08:13,866 --> 00:08:16,984 Come on, Ted. Prayer isn't the only way to praise God. 123 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:20,424 - And it keeps you fit. - All right, then. 124 00:08:20,508 --> 00:08:23,740 You said something on the phone about borrowing the car. 125 00:08:23,830 --> 00:08:25,582 You'd be doing a great favour. 126 00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:28,390 Oh, don't be silly. Just take care of it. 127 00:08:28,471 --> 00:08:31,269 Don't give it away in a raffle or something(!) 128 00:08:39,354 --> 00:08:43,747 Somebody saw you on TV in a documentary, you were in Belfast. 129 00:08:43,835 --> 00:08:46,873 That wasn't me, a younger fella ripped off the idea! 130 00:08:46,956 --> 00:08:48,834 Don't like talkin' about him! 131 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,387 Well, I'd better head on. Thanks again. 132 00:08:52,478 --> 00:08:54,390 No problem. Bye, Ted. 133 00:09:05,763 --> 00:09:07,481 Bingo! 134 00:09:07,563 --> 00:09:09,520 No luck, then, Ted? 135 00:09:16,286 --> 00:09:20,166 (Ted) Dougal, you'll leave a mark on the window. 136 00:09:20,247 --> 00:09:21,442 Are we there yet? 137 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:24,601 Dougal, we won't be there for a while. 138 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:27,806 Yes, Father Ted Crilly saves the day again! 139 00:09:27,889 --> 00:09:30,166 How are you doing back there, Father? 140 00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:31,764 - (Sneezes) - Aw! 141 00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:36,685 What have you been drinking? It's like acid! 142 00:09:36,773 --> 00:09:39,207 Here, try this. This'll clear you up. 143 00:09:42,894 --> 00:09:44,851 Aren't cars great, Ted? 144 00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:49,806 Look, it's a long drive. You have a little sleep. 145 00:09:49,897 --> 00:09:51,853 Oh, right so, Ted. 146 00:09:53,498 --> 00:09:56,855 (Radio ) 'This is Laszlo St Pierre on the night shift, 147 00:09:56,939 --> 00:09:59,692 'taking you through until 3am...' 148 00:09:59,779 --> 00:10:04,252 'Cock-a-doodle-doo! This is the John Morgan Morning Show. 149 00:10:04,341 --> 00:10:08,221 'It's a beautiful day so let's start off with some Motown magic!' 150 00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:10,499 ( # Motown intro ) 151 00:10:22,507 --> 00:10:26,865 God, I almost drifted off for a moment there. Nearly home. 152 00:10:30,190 --> 00:10:33,500 (Ted) Right, the raffle. Let's go through it again. 153 00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:37,870 I'll fill the hat with tickets all with the same number on them - 11. 154 00:10:37,952 --> 00:10:40,513 11. Two ones. That's easy to remember, Ted. 155 00:10:40,593 --> 00:10:44,473 And we'll make sure that you have that number. 156 00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:47,069 Right. So we won't have to cheat at all. 157 00:10:51,556 --> 00:10:55,835 - That's HOW we're cheating, Dougal. - Oh, right, Ok... 158 00:10:55,917 --> 00:10:59,707 So let me get this straight. You'll be wearing the hat? 159 00:10:59,799 --> 00:11:02,438 No, I won't be wearing any hats. 160 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,591 The tickets will be in the hat. 161 00:11:04,681 --> 00:11:07,320 But you'll put on the hat to give me the signal? 162 00:11:07,401 --> 00:11:10,553 I won't be giving you any signals! 163 00:11:10,643 --> 00:11:14,273 I'll just pull out your ticket and you'll collect the prize! 164 00:11:14,363 --> 00:11:17,515 - There's a prize, Ted? What is it? - The car! 165 00:11:17,604 --> 00:11:19,197 Oh, right, yeah. 166 00:11:19,285 --> 00:11:22,039 Here's the sandwiches for tonight. 167 00:11:22,126 --> 00:11:24,925 Oh, wait a minute, I forgot to do my test! 168 00:11:25,007 --> 00:11:26,565 What test, Mrs Doyle? 169 00:11:26,647 --> 00:11:29,242 I select a sandwich at random and try it. 170 00:11:29,329 --> 00:11:32,685 If it doesn't meet my standards, I put the lot in the bin. 171 00:11:55,137 --> 00:11:56,650 They're fine. 172 00:12:02,419 --> 00:12:05,969 - Right, so, are we all sorted? - Ho, raring to go, Ted! 173 00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:09,292 - Who's doing the disco? - Father Billy O'Dwyer. 174 00:12:09,381 --> 00:12:11,816 The Spinmaster! Great. 175 00:12:12,702 --> 00:12:16,299 Actually, I can't wait. I bet I sell a load of tickets. 176 00:12:16,383 --> 00:12:18,294 I bet I sell more than you. 177 00:12:18,384 --> 00:12:19,737 Hmm. 178 00:12:19,825 --> 00:12:21,780 It's like The Sting. 179 00:12:21,865 --> 00:12:24,460 I'm Robert Redford and you're Paul Newman. 180 00:12:34,909 --> 00:12:37,549 (Man on PA) 'Testing - one, two, one, two.' 181 00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:40,065 Ground Control to the Spinmaster! 182 00:12:40,151 --> 00:12:42,188 Oh, Ted! How are ya? 183 00:12:42,271 --> 00:12:45,947 Fine. God, it's like NASA. How do you keep track of it all? 184 00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:47,944 It's quite simple, really. 185 00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:52,664 Here we have the turntables, which I control from the mixing desk. 186 00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:57,068 I can flip between records if I want to get a bit of an old jam going. 187 00:12:57,156 --> 00:12:59,546 I can't wait. What records have you got? 188 00:13:00,917 --> 00:13:04,228 - Records? - A bit of the Bee Gees, I suppose? 189 00:13:04,319 --> 00:13:06,787 - Oh, God. - Billy, what's up with you? 190 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,835 I forgot the records, Ted. 191 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,229 What?! Have you not got any records? 192 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,198 Now, hold on a second... 193 00:13:13,281 --> 00:13:16,592 I might have one. I think I have one out in the car. 194 00:13:17,683 --> 00:13:19,401 Cup of tea, Father? 195 00:13:19,484 --> 00:13:22,760 Would you like to be the first to buy a raffle ticket? 196 00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:26,963 I'd love to. I haven't taken part in a raffle in donkey's years. 197 00:13:27,046 --> 00:13:29,686 I think I'm in with a great chance today. 198 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,837 - (Giggling) - Shut up, Dougal! 199 00:13:31,927 --> 00:13:33,680 - How many? - Just the one. 200 00:13:33,768 --> 00:13:35,042 Ah, all right. 201 00:13:35,129 --> 00:13:39,088 - My lucky number never lets me down. - Which one's that? 202 00:13:39,170 --> 00:13:40,569 - 11. - What? 203 00:13:40,649 --> 00:13:42,960 11's always been lucky for me. 204 00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:46,761 - Eh...well, we're out of 11s. - I'm your first customer. 205 00:13:46,852 --> 00:13:50,766 Yes, yes. But...I think this one came without 11s. 206 00:13:50,853 --> 00:13:53,891 I'll give you a 10 and a one and that'll add up to 11. 207 00:13:53,974 --> 00:13:55,488 You can have both for 50p. 208 00:13:55,575 --> 00:13:58,454 No, I don't think so. I'll have my money back. 209 00:13:58,536 --> 00:14:00,971 Mrs Doyle, it's for the roof... 210 00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,649 Sorry, Father. 211 00:14:03,817 --> 00:14:07,288 Incredible woman! Now, I wonder where Jack's got to. 212 00:14:07,378 --> 00:14:10,257 - He's with Father Purcell. - I better rescue him! 213 00:14:10,339 --> 00:14:11,773 They're just chatting. 214 00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:14,659 Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. 215 00:14:14,741 --> 00:14:17,050 He was working in Nigeria, and he woke up to find 216 00:14:17,142 --> 00:14:20,339 everyone had had enough of him and gone off in a boat. 217 00:14:20,422 --> 00:14:24,702 It sank after a mile and they were eaten by alligators. I'd better go. 218 00:14:28,225 --> 00:14:30,659 ..we run the gas off the electricity 219 00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:35,423 and the electricity off the gas and we save £200 a year! 220 00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:39,388 But then a few weeks later - God, I'll never forget it, now - 221 00:14:39,469 --> 00:14:41,778 we got a new boiler. 222 00:14:41,870 --> 00:14:43,986 - All right, Fathers? - HELP ME! 223 00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:48,701 Hello, Ted. I was telling Father Jack about the thing there last year. 224 00:14:48,791 --> 00:14:51,386 - How did you fare with yours? - I don't know... 225 00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:55,672 Because you know, they have no morals and no respect for human life. 226 00:14:55,754 --> 00:14:59,191 But what they do have, and no one can deny this, 227 00:14:59,275 --> 00:15:02,666 they have the finest collection of boilers in the world. 228 00:15:02,756 --> 00:15:05,065 And I include Canada in that. 229 00:15:05,157 --> 00:15:08,195 Fine, Anthony, I want to borrow Jack for a moment. 230 00:15:08,278 --> 00:15:09,870 THANk CHRIST! 231 00:15:09,958 --> 00:15:11,392 Father? 232 00:15:11,479 --> 00:15:15,758 Ahh, I remember the first time I saw that boiler! Beautiful! 233 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,718 Would you like a ticket, Father? 234 00:15:17,801 --> 00:15:21,636 Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. 235 00:15:21,722 --> 00:15:23,201 Any number you like - 236 00:15:23,283 --> 00:15:26,879 ah...one...seven... 237 00:15:28,204 --> 00:15:30,161 20... 238 00:15:30,244 --> 00:15:32,315 - 112... - 112? 239 00:15:32,406 --> 00:15:35,364 All the way up to 409, I think it is. 240 00:15:35,447 --> 00:15:37,881 If you want more, they send off for them. 241 00:15:37,968 --> 00:15:39,799 They come back in an envelope. 242 00:15:39,887 --> 00:15:44,326 Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. 243 00:15:44,409 --> 00:15:47,846 That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. 244 00:15:47,930 --> 00:15:51,241 No round envelopes for me! No way, Hose. 245 00:15:52,092 --> 00:15:55,847 (Purcell) Sid Vicious, now. That was a grand name, wasn't it? 246 00:15:55,933 --> 00:15:57,731 He had trouble with the drugs... 247 00:15:57,814 --> 00:15:59,691 Oh-ho-ho! 248 00:15:59,774 --> 00:16:01,413 Yes! 249 00:16:02,935 --> 00:16:04,369 Tickets for the raffle. 250 00:16:04,456 --> 00:16:07,415 Anybody who hasn't bought a ticket, come over here. 251 00:16:07,496 --> 00:16:10,091 Thank you very much. Thank you. 252 00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:13,888 Sorry about the wait, folks - trouble with the old disco. 253 00:16:13,979 --> 00:16:17,210 Luckily, I've got a few old pals to do a couple of numbers. 254 00:16:17,299 --> 00:16:22,739 Please welcome Fathers Tiernan, Rafter, Cafferty and Leonard! 255 00:16:22,821 --> 00:16:25,382 ( # Electronic music) 256 00:16:32,304 --> 00:16:34,022 Billy, where have you been? 257 00:16:34,105 --> 00:16:37,542 Ted! Found the record! 258 00:16:37,626 --> 00:16:40,699 All right. How about a ticket? 50p each or four for £1. 259 00:16:40,787 --> 00:16:45,146 Gambling, Ted. Ruined me father and me grandfather. 260 00:16:45,229 --> 00:16:48,347 Both of them, Ted, died without a penny to their name. 261 00:16:48,429 --> 00:16:49,624 It won't happen to me. 262 00:16:49,710 --> 00:16:52,623 God, it's for charity. It's not real gambling. 263 00:16:52,710 --> 00:16:54,542 All right, then, go ahead. 264 00:16:54,631 --> 00:16:56,304 Great. How many? 265 00:16:56,392 --> 00:16:57,826 2,000. 266 00:16:57,913 --> 00:17:00,632 - 2,000? - I'll do you a cheque. 267 00:17:00,713 --> 00:17:02,944 No, I can't take it, that's too much. 268 00:17:03,034 --> 00:17:04,388 I can handle it, Ted! 269 00:17:04,475 --> 00:17:07,706 I've a few friends who lend me cash from time to time. 270 00:17:07,795 --> 00:17:10,868 No, you shouldn't throw around that kind of money. 271 00:17:10,957 --> 00:17:14,075 Ted, I need another ticket book. This one's run out. 272 00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,593 Already? How could you sell out already?! 273 00:17:16,679 --> 00:17:20,513 Don't ask me. I can hardly keep a straight face. 274 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,161 What was it, Billy - 2,000? 275 00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:27,520 (Music continues) 276 00:17:35,965 --> 00:17:37,796 Need more drink! 277 00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:46,447 Car! 278 00:17:48,409 --> 00:17:50,764 ( # The Specials: "Ghost Town") 279 00:17:55,531 --> 00:17:57,203 (Record ends) 280 00:18:00,772 --> 00:18:03,162 (Music starts) 281 00:18:06,134 --> 00:18:08,171 Right, let's go. You know what to do? 282 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:11,328 - Thunderbirds are go, Ted! - Ok, come on. 283 00:18:14,697 --> 00:18:16,415 Thank you, Father Billy. 284 00:18:16,497 --> 00:18:19,775 Let's get on to the important stuff - the raffle! 285 00:18:19,859 --> 00:18:23,169 The last raffle I was at was very interesting 286 00:18:23,260 --> 00:18:26,810 because the people who ran the raffle actually won it. 287 00:18:26,901 --> 00:18:30,211 So it's not unusual for that to happen now and again. 288 00:18:30,302 --> 00:18:33,898 Right? Ok, the winning number is... 289 00:18:35,743 --> 00:18:37,416 Number 11! 290 00:18:41,625 --> 00:18:44,505 Number...11. 291 00:18:47,707 --> 00:18:51,986 Number 11. If anyone has that number, come up on stage! 292 00:18:52,069 --> 00:18:55,949 What's that, Father McGuire? You have the winning number? 293 00:18:56,030 --> 00:18:57,589 What? 294 00:18:57,671 --> 00:19:01,824 A round of applause for our very own Father Dougal McGuire! 295 00:19:04,913 --> 00:19:07,428 God Almighty, what were you doing? 296 00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:10,951 Sorry. I was looking at the ticket upside-down. 297 00:19:11,035 --> 00:19:13,629 Well, congratulations, Father Dougal. 298 00:19:14,356 --> 00:19:16,996 Anyway, what a fantastic evening we've had. 299 00:19:17,077 --> 00:19:20,388 We've raised enough to repair the roof and had a great time. 300 00:19:20,478 --> 00:19:23,197 So let me just thank you for coming 301 00:19:23,278 --> 00:19:26,157 and ask you to stand for our national anthem. 302 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,512 ( # "Ghost Town") 303 00:19:41,004 --> 00:19:45,521 For God's sake, I'll have the money for you next week! 304 00:19:45,606 --> 00:19:50,840 Please, please, one more chance, that's all I ask. Please! Please! 305 00:19:50,927 --> 00:19:52,998 Oh, thanks very much, Mrs Doyle. 306 00:19:54,088 --> 00:19:57,161 For God's sake, have some pity! I'm a priest! 307 00:19:57,250 --> 00:20:00,448 They have you every way, you know. 308 00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:03,763 I was in the AA there for a while. 309 00:20:03,852 --> 00:20:08,324 - The insurance was very expensive. - Oh, right... 310 00:20:08,413 --> 00:20:12,726 I had to crash the car just to get the money back. 311 00:20:12,814 --> 00:20:17,765 Then they had witnesses who saw me steer it towards the wall. 312 00:20:17,856 --> 00:20:21,770 There was talk of me going to jail for a while and... 313 00:20:21,857 --> 00:20:23,576 Ah, it's Yourself. 314 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,895 What can I do for you, Mrs Doyle? 315 00:20:28,979 --> 00:20:31,700 Terrible news. It's Father Finnegan! 316 00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:34,534 - He's had a heart attack! - No! 317 00:20:34,622 --> 00:20:38,092 The doctors warned him to cut it down to 12 hours a day, 318 00:20:38,183 --> 00:20:40,139 but he couldn't stop dancing! 319 00:20:40,223 --> 00:20:42,215 That's terrible news. 320 00:20:42,304 --> 00:20:45,456 - What's up, Ted? - Father Finnegan had a heart attack. 321 00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:47,935 No! Are there any more Chipsticks? 322 00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:53,537 Does that mean we can keep the car? 323 00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:55,539 Dougal! The man has just... 324 00:20:55,628 --> 00:20:58,063 Wait! You're right! We can! 325 00:21:01,030 --> 00:21:02,464 Father... 326 00:21:02,550 --> 00:21:04,109 FECk OFF! 327 00:21:04,191 --> 00:21:06,182 Where did you get the air freshener? 328 00:21:07,272 --> 00:21:09,342 - Car! - Oh, God. 329 00:21:09,432 --> 00:21:10,991 Drived the car! 330 00:21:11,073 --> 00:21:15,431 Not the new car? Tell me the truth - have you been drinking? 331 00:21:16,434 --> 00:21:17,948 Yes! 332 00:21:18,716 --> 00:21:21,469 From the beginning. Where did you drive? 333 00:21:21,556 --> 00:21:22,706 Shops! Drink! 334 00:21:22,797 --> 00:21:26,028 Corner. Stopped. Got out. 335 00:21:27,798 --> 00:21:29,710 - Truck. - A truck? 336 00:21:30,799 --> 00:21:32,630 Two trucks. 337 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,794 Let's take a look. Maybe there's something we can salvage. 338 00:21:43,043 --> 00:21:44,523 It's not that bad, Ted. 339 00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:47,835 Yes, God, I thought it'd be much worse than that. 340 00:21:52,126 --> 00:21:53,400 Oh... 341 00:21:53,487 --> 00:21:54,602 bollocks. 342 00:21:57,447 --> 00:21:59,803 Dougal, how is this "not that bad"? 343 00:22:03,170 --> 00:22:05,560 At least we've got the raffle money. 344 00:22:05,651 --> 00:22:09,247 Please! Just give me 24 hours! Please! 345 00:22:09,331 --> 00:22:11,243 (Line goes dead) 346 00:22:17,254 --> 00:22:19,405 (Thunder) 347 00:22:22,055 --> 00:22:25,936 (Man on TV) 'So we'll probably be seeing a lot more rain, 348 00:22:26,017 --> 00:22:29,613 'at least until July, or possibly until August.' 349 00:22:32,659 --> 00:22:35,493 God Almighty! Imagine anyone being so dishonest 350 00:22:35,580 --> 00:22:38,414 as to steal raffle money from a priest! 351 00:22:38,501 --> 00:22:41,460 Well, now, the raffle WAS rigged, Ted. 352 00:22:42,582 --> 00:22:47,135 I suppose we'll be Ok, as long as a tree doesn't fall through the roof. 353 00:22:47,223 --> 00:22:49,454 (Thunder crashes) 354 00:22:54,626 --> 00:22:56,140 For a moment, I thought... 355 00:22:56,227 --> 00:22:57,979 (Crash) 356 00:23:00,788 --> 00:23:04,702 This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. 357 00:23:04,789 --> 00:23:09,545 Now, this not only refers to lagging, but all forms of insulation. 358 00:23:10,671 --> 00:23:13,265 He said, "Don't ever..." 359 00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:18,382 No, no, it was, "Always! Always re..." No! 360 00:23:18,474 --> 00:23:21,193 It was, "Never..." Oh, I've forgotten. 361 00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:24,905 Never mind. What's your favourite humming noise? 362 00:23:24,996 --> 00:23:28,432 Would it be "hmmmm" 363 00:23:28,517 --> 00:23:31,873 or would it be "hmmm-MMMMM"? 364 00:23:31,957 --> 00:23:35,554 The first one there, that's the sound of a fridge. 365 00:23:35,639 --> 00:23:39,599 The second one, that's the sound of a man humming. 366 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,069 You never hear a woman humming. 367 00:23:42,161 --> 00:23:45,871 I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. 368 00:23:47,963 --> 00:23:52,674 Now, if you push me, I'd have to say my favourite colour was grey... 369 00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:55,882 no, blue, a soft blue, with a hint of grey. 370 00:23:55,965 --> 00:23:59,357 No, orange. Orange. That's it, I remember. 371 00:23:59,447 --> 00:24:02,166 I have an extension put on the house, now. 372 00:24:02,247 --> 00:24:04,478 I put it on the extension, 373 00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:07,163 so the house is in a circle now, you see? 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net