1 00:00:36,939 --> 00:00:40,488 Here we go, Dougal, 22, 23... This is us. 2 00:00:40,579 --> 00:00:42,330 We should've got a window seat. 3 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,852 No, Father, you sit over there. 4 00:00:44,938 --> 00:00:46,849 (Bottles clanking) 5 00:00:46,938 --> 00:00:49,133 I'd be too nervous to sit by the window. 6 00:00:49,218 --> 00:00:52,050 - Why is that? - I've never liked flying. 7 00:00:52,137 --> 00:00:55,846 If God wanted us to fly, He'd put airports nearer the city. 8 00:00:55,937 --> 00:00:59,849 Excuse me, Father, you're sitting on my cardigan. 9 00:00:59,936 --> 00:01:01,608 (Wheezing) 10 00:01:01,696 --> 00:01:04,574 Could you... Could you not breathe like that? 11 00:01:04,656 --> 00:01:06,486 You're making a noise. 12 00:01:06,575 --> 00:01:09,726 Now, really, Father, this is a no-smoking flight. 13 00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:18,288 - So, did you enjoy yourself? - Oh, I did. kilnettle's great. 14 00:01:18,374 --> 00:01:21,172 It must be the holiest shrine in the world. 15 00:01:21,254 --> 00:01:23,642 Top ten, anyway. 16 00:01:23,733 --> 00:01:27,282 Funny, Our Lady appearing on a golf course like that. 17 00:01:27,373 --> 00:01:31,001 - Where exactly did it happen? - On the 13th hole. 18 00:01:31,092 --> 00:01:33,322 She appeared to a fellow on the green. 19 00:01:33,412 --> 00:01:36,722 He was putting for a birdie and the ball hit her foot. 20 00:01:36,812 --> 00:01:39,086 God Almighty. Then what? 21 00:01:39,171 --> 00:01:42,959 He just took a dropped ball and put it down to experience. 22 00:01:43,051 --> 00:01:45,360 Hello, Ted. On the old plane, I see. 23 00:01:45,451 --> 00:01:47,281 I am, yes. 24 00:01:47,370 --> 00:01:49,326 Same as yourself. 25 00:01:53,850 --> 00:01:55,329 Who was that, Ted? 26 00:01:55,409 --> 00:01:59,004 That's Father Joe Briefly, a pal of mine from St Colum's. 27 00:01:59,089 --> 00:02:01,683 We used to have a nickname for him there... 28 00:02:01,769 --> 00:02:03,566 Oh, yes, very funny. 29 00:02:03,649 --> 00:02:06,321 We used to call him Himalaya Joe. 30 00:02:06,408 --> 00:02:09,366 He had all this hair growing between his toes. 31 00:02:09,448 --> 00:02:12,405 Like the Abominable Snowman. Very funny. 32 00:02:12,487 --> 00:02:14,443 And did you have a nickname, Ted? 33 00:02:14,527 --> 00:02:16,722 No, I didn't. 34 00:02:16,807 --> 00:02:18,877 - You must have had one. - No! 35 00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:21,799 - Father Briefly! - Dougal! 36 00:02:21,886 --> 00:02:25,356 Father, do you remember Ted's nickname at St Colum's? 37 00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:27,880 Let's see, what's that it was? 38 00:02:27,966 --> 00:02:30,763 Don't worry, Joe, I'll tell him myself. 39 00:02:30,845 --> 00:02:32,324 Shut up, Dougal. 40 00:02:36,485 --> 00:02:38,759 It was... 41 00:02:38,844 --> 00:02:40,516 Father Fluffybottom. 42 00:02:40,604 --> 00:02:43,596 Some of the priests caught a glance of my rear end 43 00:02:43,684 --> 00:02:46,561 in the showers after a game of football. 44 00:02:46,643 --> 00:02:52,673 Well, I had all this downy fluff growing around that whole area. 45 00:02:52,763 --> 00:02:56,437 Oh, yes. Father Fluffybottom. Hilarious stuff. 46 00:02:56,522 --> 00:02:58,752 What did you do in the end? Shave it off? 47 00:03:00,402 --> 00:03:02,961 Shave it off? No, not at all. 48 00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:04,554 Oh, right. 49 00:03:04,641 --> 00:03:06,996 - Father Briefly! - Dougal! 50 00:03:07,081 --> 00:03:10,117 It was Father Fluffybottom! 51 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,838 Oh, yes, that's right. 52 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:15,515 Because he had this big load of fluffy hair on his behind. 53 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,351 What did you do in the end, Ted? Shave it off? 54 00:03:20,439 --> 00:03:23,829 No, I didn't. You can't get razors with handles long enough 55 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:26,114 to reach down...to your behind. 56 00:03:27,078 --> 00:03:30,229 Remember what they called you? Himalaya Joe. 57 00:03:30,318 --> 00:03:33,947 Because of all the thick black hair growing between your toes. 58 00:03:36,197 --> 00:03:38,631 That was actually a medical condition. 59 00:03:42,237 --> 00:03:43,464 Heh heh. 60 00:03:48,476 --> 00:03:52,150 'This is your pilot speaking. Fasten your seat belts for take-off.' 61 00:03:52,955 --> 00:03:56,311 Oh! What the...? Who did that? 62 00:03:58,675 --> 00:04:01,825 Someone messing there. What did you get, Dougal? 63 00:04:01,914 --> 00:04:04,986 I got this at the gift shop back at the airport. 64 00:04:06,874 --> 00:04:09,182 But Dougal, we have a tape dispenser. 65 00:04:09,273 --> 00:04:13,471 - Why'd you buy that one? - This is no ordinary one. Watch. 66 00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:18,381 (Recording) 'You have used one inch of sticky tape. God bless you.' 67 00:04:19,032 --> 00:04:21,182 Dougal, that is absolutely brilliant. 68 00:04:21,272 --> 00:04:24,104 Already I can think of hundreds of uses for it. 69 00:04:24,191 --> 00:04:26,261 - Get anything else? - I did, yeah. Look. 70 00:04:26,871 --> 00:04:30,386 - What's it do? - Squeeze it, it's a joke telephone. 71 00:04:31,111 --> 00:04:32,862 (Squeaks ) 72 00:04:34,310 --> 00:04:36,778 Dougal, this is a dog toy. 73 00:04:36,870 --> 00:04:39,430 What? No, it's not. It's a joke telephone. 74 00:04:39,510 --> 00:04:42,467 Dougal, this is a toy for dogs. 75 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:45,621 This is something people give their dogs on their birthday. 76 00:04:45,709 --> 00:04:48,382 Seriously, Ted. It's a joke telephone. 77 00:04:48,469 --> 00:04:52,063 You tell someone it's a phone and they'll try and make a call. 78 00:04:53,788 --> 00:04:56,302 Dougal, who would think this is a telephone? 79 00:04:56,388 --> 00:04:58,742 Even a dog knows this isn't a phone. 80 00:04:58,827 --> 00:05:01,216 Ted, we'll agree to differ, all right? 81 00:05:01,307 --> 00:05:04,265 We won't! Because you're very, very wrong. 82 00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:07,941 Look, did the picture not give you a clue? Why is the dog so happy? 83 00:05:09,626 --> 00:05:13,221 Somebody has given him a rubber telephone that makes a noise! 84 00:05:13,306 --> 00:05:15,261 No, no! He's laughing because 85 00:05:15,345 --> 00:05:18,257 someone's trying to make a call on the telephone. 86 00:05:18,345 --> 00:05:21,178 Dogs don't have the same sense of humour as us! 87 00:05:21,265 --> 00:05:25,223 They're not as advanced. Buy something sensible, like this. 88 00:05:27,904 --> 00:05:29,656 Now... 89 00:05:29,744 --> 00:05:31,381 Put a coin in that. 90 00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,215 Wow. 91 00:05:37,343 --> 00:05:38,570 God, Ted. 92 00:05:40,342 --> 00:05:43,698 That is fantastic. What is it, a sort of money box? 93 00:05:43,782 --> 00:05:45,818 Yes. With something like this, 94 00:05:45,902 --> 00:05:49,496 it would be so easy to make it look cheap and tacky. 95 00:05:49,581 --> 00:05:52,379 But just look at her there. Pure class. 96 00:05:54,541 --> 00:05:56,770 Now, come on, now. The joke's over. 97 00:05:57,860 --> 00:05:59,612 - Here we go. - Oh, God. 98 00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:03,010 - What's up with you, Ted? - It's just the tension. 99 00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,498 It'll be Ok in a minute. 100 00:06:04,579 --> 00:06:07,935 Wouldn't it be terrible to be killed in a plane crash? 101 00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:10,294 - Yes. - Or if you just fell out. 102 00:06:10,379 --> 00:06:13,370 If the floor just disappeared and you fell out. 103 00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:15,608 You'd fall for ages and ages... 104 00:06:28,496 --> 00:06:30,691 Feeling a bit better, Ted? 105 00:06:30,776 --> 00:06:33,051 No, Dougal, not really, no. 106 00:06:33,136 --> 00:06:36,014 Tell you what. Maybe I'll give Larry Duff a call. 107 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:39,007 He developed a fear of flying after all his crashes. 108 00:06:39,095 --> 00:06:40,926 He went to a hypnotherapist. 109 00:06:41,015 --> 00:06:44,087 Told me to give him a call any time I was nervous. 110 00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:47,809 Oh, for God's sake. 111 00:06:49,334 --> 00:06:51,802 - What was that? - Just a bit of turbulence. 112 00:06:51,894 --> 00:06:54,123 God, I wish I wasn't so nervous. 113 00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:57,762 Larry says you've more chance of being trampled by donkeys 114 00:06:57,853 --> 00:07:00,208 than of being killed in a plane crash. 115 00:07:01,692 --> 00:07:04,331 (Mobile phone ) 116 00:07:09,691 --> 00:07:11,488 (Stampeding hooves ) 117 00:07:12,811 --> 00:07:14,927 No, he's not picking up. 118 00:07:15,011 --> 00:07:16,808 (Gibbers like a monkey ) 119 00:07:16,891 --> 00:07:18,687 Ted! 120 00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:22,238 Hello. Father Fay, hello. 121 00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:24,798 (Gibbering) 122 00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:26,641 Ah, yes, it's very good. 123 00:07:26,729 --> 00:07:29,448 (Gibbering) 124 00:07:29,529 --> 00:07:31,599 I am a very big fan of his, all right. 125 00:07:31,689 --> 00:07:33,441 Or should I say, "Awright?" 126 00:07:33,529 --> 00:07:36,440 (Gibbering) 127 00:07:36,528 --> 00:07:38,803 No, there's no mention of it so far. 128 00:07:39,888 --> 00:07:42,720 - (Grunting) - God, Ted, he has me driven mad! 129 00:07:42,807 --> 00:07:46,197 He asked me to take him up to see the cockpit. 130 00:07:46,287 --> 00:07:48,847 Cockpit? Ah, Ted, can I have a look, too? 131 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,598 Well, Dougal, I'm not sure. 132 00:07:50,686 --> 00:07:52,483 What is he up to now? 133 00:07:55,846 --> 00:08:00,316 He's going mad with excitement, I'd better go. Coming, Father? 134 00:08:00,405 --> 00:08:02,475 Dougal. Don't touch anything. 135 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,637 We don't want an action replay of the Sealink incident. 136 00:08:05,725 --> 00:08:07,680 Fair enough, Ted. 137 00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:10,476 - Hello! - There you are, Father. 138 00:08:10,564 --> 00:08:13,476 - You wanted the official tour. - God, yes. 139 00:08:13,564 --> 00:08:15,793 He's talked about nothing else! 140 00:08:15,883 --> 00:08:18,795 Will you calm down, you little monkey man? 141 00:08:18,883 --> 00:08:21,681 Basically, these are the main controls. 142 00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:24,595 Over here we have the gauges for the engines. 143 00:08:30,522 --> 00:08:33,957 - Father. Father! - What? I wasn't gonna press it. 144 00:08:34,041 --> 00:08:37,113 Sorry, I was only asking if you'd ever been in a cockpit. 145 00:08:37,201 --> 00:08:39,999 No. But I was on the bridge of a Sealink ferry once 146 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,310 and I was looking at the controls... 147 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,960 - (Coughing) - ..and nothing happened at all. 148 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,311 Right. That's it! 149 00:08:49,399 --> 00:08:50,957 (Man laughing) 150 00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:52,950 Hey, come on, now. What's so funny? 151 00:08:53,039 --> 00:08:55,155 Just come on, now. The joke's over. 152 00:08:55,239 --> 00:08:57,035 - Who are you? - What do you mean? 153 00:08:57,118 --> 00:09:01,396 You blind? I'm the man you've been pestering with paper. 154 00:09:01,478 --> 00:09:03,628 - I have not. - Why are you laughing? 155 00:09:03,718 --> 00:09:05,673 What's the big laugh about? 156 00:09:05,757 --> 00:09:08,510 I'm listening to comedy on these. It's Mr Bean. 157 00:09:08,597 --> 00:09:10,588 Oh, right. 158 00:09:10,677 --> 00:09:14,385 And yes, I am blind, as a matter of fact. 159 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,273 Is it since birth or is it a more recent thing, you know? 160 00:09:19,356 --> 00:09:21,187 Since birth. 161 00:09:21,276 --> 00:09:24,472 Right, but I suppose your other senses make up for it. 162 00:09:24,555 --> 00:09:28,628 I hear that blind people's other senses are more alert. So to speak. 163 00:09:28,715 --> 00:09:32,104 I suppose you can smell things from ten miles away 164 00:09:32,194 --> 00:09:34,185 and hear things before they happen. 165 00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:37,710 - No. - No sixth sense of any kind? 166 00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:40,307 I suppose in your case it'd be a fifth sense, 167 00:09:40,393 --> 00:09:42,543 seeing as you've only got the four. 168 00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:45,989 Unless there's another one missing I don't know about. 169 00:09:46,073 --> 00:09:48,188 How's your sense of touch? 170 00:09:49,592 --> 00:09:51,787 Could you go away now, please? 171 00:09:51,872 --> 00:09:53,942 Yes, I'll do just that. 172 00:10:01,391 --> 00:10:04,427 Will you not calm down? 173 00:10:04,510 --> 00:10:08,947 Come on, now. We'll head back. Say thank you to Mr Pilot. 174 00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:11,224 - Ahhh! - Oh, God. 175 00:10:11,309 --> 00:10:14,426 He must've seen his reflection. He's not supposed to. 176 00:10:14,509 --> 00:10:17,626 - He doesn't know he's a priest. - (Shouting) 177 00:10:17,709 --> 00:10:20,063 Stop it, Father. Settle down. 178 00:10:20,148 --> 00:10:22,616 Get him off me! I can't see! 179 00:10:22,708 --> 00:10:25,017 (Pilot) Father McGuire, press the emergency button! 180 00:10:25,108 --> 00:10:26,985 - What? - The emergency button! 181 00:10:27,068 --> 00:10:30,423 - What does it look like? - It's "emergency" written on it! 182 00:10:36,946 --> 00:10:39,141 Right! 183 00:10:39,226 --> 00:10:41,615 I'll just go to the old toilet. 184 00:10:43,466 --> 00:10:46,263 ( # Muzak) 185 00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:49,303 Is, erm... Is this the toilet? 186 00:10:49,385 --> 00:10:53,138 First-class toilet, sir. Do you have a first-class ticket? 187 00:10:54,424 --> 00:10:55,379 No. 188 00:10:55,464 --> 00:10:57,978 Then you have to go across the way. 189 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,058 (Father Fay gibbering) 190 00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:12,100 - Ted? - What? 191 00:11:12,182 --> 00:11:15,015 - Can I have a quick word? - Yes. 192 00:11:15,102 --> 00:11:18,377 Yes, hold on. Right. 193 00:11:18,461 --> 00:11:19,894 What's wrong, Dougal? 194 00:11:19,981 --> 00:11:21,699 Well, slight problem, Ted. 195 00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:23,260 What? 196 00:11:23,341 --> 00:11:27,219 Well, apparently someone pressed a button in the cockpit. 197 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:30,849 I think the person might have emptied one of the fuel tanks. 198 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,737 There's not enough fuel to make it to the airport. 199 00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:37,653 Right. So that would mean what? An emergency landing? 200 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:40,776 - Yeah, an emergency landing. - Right. 201 00:11:40,859 --> 00:11:43,372 But we don't actually have enough fuel 202 00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:46,495 to make it to a place to make an emergency landing. 203 00:11:46,578 --> 00:11:48,614 And there's only two parachutes. 204 00:11:48,698 --> 00:11:51,052 No, wait a second. Before you carry on, 205 00:11:51,137 --> 00:11:53,128 what's this film called again? 206 00:11:53,217 --> 00:11:55,651 No, no, no. It's not a film. 207 00:11:55,737 --> 00:11:57,489 - It's not a film? - No. 208 00:11:57,577 --> 00:12:00,648 - So this is actually happening. - Yes. 209 00:12:00,736 --> 00:12:03,773 - This is happening now, to us. - It is, yeah. 210 00:12:05,856 --> 00:12:08,733 Dougal, here's a mad guess just out of the blue, 211 00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,533 but did you press the button? 212 00:12:10,615 --> 00:12:12,492 Ah, now, Ted, come on! 213 00:12:14,455 --> 00:12:16,922 - Did you, Dougal? - I did, yeah. 214 00:12:18,254 --> 00:12:21,007 - Hello, Ted. Heard the news? - Yes, Noel. 215 00:12:21,094 --> 00:12:24,244 - What'll we do? - Did you press the emergency button? 216 00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:25,971 - No. - Shouldn't we? 217 00:12:26,053 --> 00:12:29,011 Careful. There might be a fine for improper use. 218 00:12:29,093 --> 00:12:31,049 This is definitely an emergency. 219 00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:33,248 Let's keep the other priests calm, 220 00:12:33,332 --> 00:12:36,244 not a word about this when we get back inside. 221 00:12:37,332 --> 00:12:39,163 (Alarm horn ) 222 00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:44,006 (Recording) 'Emergency! Emergency! Emergency!' 223 00:12:44,091 --> 00:12:45,922 Nothing happened. What does it do? 224 00:12:46,011 --> 00:12:49,241 Never needed it before. Father, who gets the parachutes? 225 00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:51,480 God, that's a tough decision. 226 00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:54,642 You're right. Maybe we should just not tell anybody. 227 00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:57,721 Throw them off the plane, pretend they never existed. 228 00:12:57,809 --> 00:13:01,961 No, I don't think we should do that. I have a better idea. 229 00:13:04,568 --> 00:13:07,321 Right. This is my idea. What we should do is this... 230 00:13:07,408 --> 00:13:12,323 So, in no more than 200 words, why you should get a parachute. 231 00:13:13,807 --> 00:13:16,765 So we should just write about how great we are? 232 00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:18,644 Yes. 233 00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:23,482 I got my housekeeper pregnant and forced her leave the country, 234 00:13:23,566 --> 00:13:25,522 should I mention that? 235 00:13:26,286 --> 00:13:28,038 No, I wouldn't. 236 00:13:28,126 --> 00:13:30,958 Are you taking marks off for spelling mistakes? 237 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,754 Only if we end up in a tie-break situation. 238 00:13:36,205 --> 00:13:39,958 - Who'll own the copyright? - What? 239 00:13:40,044 --> 00:13:43,923 Say if I was to survive and wanted to write my autobiography, 240 00:13:44,004 --> 00:13:47,279 could I use extracts or would you own the copyright? 241 00:13:47,363 --> 00:13:50,002 As far as I know, you own the copyright. 242 00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:52,677 But the chances of us surviving are very low. 243 00:13:52,763 --> 00:13:54,115 Right. 244 00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:58,675 Should we not just have a bit of an old pray? 245 00:13:58,762 --> 00:14:01,151 Maybe God will help us and... 246 00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:09,477 Anyway... 247 00:14:09,561 --> 00:14:12,233 Have you all got pens and paper and everything? 248 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,834 Can I use my laptop computer? 249 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:19,629 I don't think you're allowed to. They interfere with the radar. 250 00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:21,994 Yes, but we're going to crash anyway. 251 00:14:22,079 --> 00:14:24,912 Right, I see what you mean. Yes, use it. 252 00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:27,994 Go on, Dougal. 253 00:14:35,277 --> 00:14:38,872 God, Ted, you're very calm altogether. Have you gone mad? 254 00:14:38,957 --> 00:14:41,676 No, it's just I've always hated flying. 255 00:14:41,757 --> 00:14:44,316 But now we're in an emergency situation, 256 00:14:44,396 --> 00:14:48,150 all my fear has transformed itself into affirmative action. 257 00:14:48,236 --> 00:14:49,988 - Do you know what I mean? - I do. 258 00:14:50,076 --> 00:14:52,270 - Do you? - No. 259 00:14:56,715 --> 00:14:59,548 All right, then. Pens down. 260 00:14:59,635 --> 00:15:03,832 Father O'Shea, you didn't stop writing. You're disqualified. 261 00:15:03,914 --> 00:15:06,792 What? That's not fair, I was only finishing. 262 00:15:06,874 --> 00:15:09,182 Father Cave, do you want to go first? 263 00:15:10,753 --> 00:15:15,144 I haven't written this down because it comes from the heart. 264 00:15:15,233 --> 00:15:20,181 Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. 265 00:15:20,272 --> 00:15:22,786 And now I think it's important to say... 266 00:15:22,872 --> 00:15:26,910 I love you. I love you more than anybody I've ever loved. 267 00:15:27,791 --> 00:15:30,988 I don't want the parachute. Give it to him! 268 00:15:31,071 --> 00:15:33,026 (Sobbing) 269 00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:41,663 Right. Well done, Father Cave. 270 00:15:41,749 --> 00:15:42,898 (Sighing) 271 00:15:42,989 --> 00:15:45,105 (Ted) Father Fay? 272 00:15:46,229 --> 00:15:49,141 (Clearing throat) 273 00:15:49,229 --> 00:15:51,184 (Gibbering) 274 00:15:56,268 --> 00:15:58,019 That's very good. 275 00:16:01,307 --> 00:16:04,060 Well, beat that. Joe. 276 00:16:05,787 --> 00:16:10,098 Well, uh, I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. 277 00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:14,656 In fact, I think I should get both of them in case one doesn't work. 278 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,579 Ooh, not a popular one, Joe. 279 00:16:20,665 --> 00:16:22,780 Father Flynn, what did you write? 280 00:16:22,864 --> 00:16:24,820 I haven't written anything 281 00:16:24,904 --> 00:16:27,372 because I'm not very good at that kind of thing. 282 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,216 But I did a drawing. 283 00:16:32,023 --> 00:16:34,332 Right. Well, can we have a look? 284 00:16:41,262 --> 00:16:43,730 - What do you think? - (Ted) Well, er... 285 00:16:43,822 --> 00:16:46,461 It's me, in the nip. With a dog. 286 00:16:49,261 --> 00:16:51,775 How does that help you win a parachute? 287 00:16:52,861 --> 00:16:57,570 What do you mean parachute? I wasn't listening at the start there. 288 00:16:57,660 --> 00:16:59,730 Why would I want a parachute? 289 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,253 The plane's in trouble. 290 00:17:02,340 --> 00:17:05,217 There's a competition to see who gets a parachute. 291 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,289 Oh. 292 00:17:12,858 --> 00:17:15,167 Ok. Father Jack, you next. 293 00:17:17,098 --> 00:17:20,170 Father Jack? Where's Father Jack? 294 00:17:20,258 --> 00:17:23,090 The parachutes. The parachutes have gone. 295 00:17:37,415 --> 00:17:41,488 Ah, Ted, I just remembered that we're all going to die. 296 00:17:41,575 --> 00:17:44,248 Dougal, I just wanted to say... 297 00:17:44,335 --> 00:17:47,246 I know sometimes I'm a little short with you, 298 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,928 sometimes I'm not as patient as I should be. 299 00:17:50,014 --> 00:17:52,574 But you know, in the end... 300 00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:54,609 we're the best of friends. 301 00:17:54,693 --> 00:17:56,729 - What do you mean? - Well... 302 00:17:58,093 --> 00:17:59,845 I'm just trying to say... 303 00:17:59,933 --> 00:18:02,844 I know sometimes I act like you get on my nerves, 304 00:18:02,932 --> 00:18:05,162 but secretly I think it's quite funny. 305 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,846 What's funny? 306 00:18:07,932 --> 00:18:10,047 You know, the way you mix things up 307 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,691 and sometimes you don't get what's going on. 308 00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:15,766 Who are you talking about again? 309 00:18:15,851 --> 00:18:18,081 - You. - What about me? 310 00:18:18,170 --> 00:18:21,640 (Sighing) I'm just trying to say, Dougal... 311 00:18:22,730 --> 00:18:24,686 - I like you. - Thanks very much. 312 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,806 - Who are you saying that to? - You! I just said it! 313 00:18:29,089 --> 00:18:31,319 Hey! We're on a plane! 314 00:18:32,969 --> 00:18:36,643 Father, do you know what a section tubing stabiliser dart is? 315 00:18:36,728 --> 00:18:39,765 - No. - A shell diversifier E-420? 316 00:18:39,848 --> 00:18:42,237 - No. - A jet-wrench 3-ply shortstick? 317 00:18:42,328 --> 00:18:43,476 - No. - Who am I? 318 00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:45,842 - You're the pilot. - Great. 319 00:18:45,927 --> 00:18:48,316 I know what I did there. I started too big. 320 00:18:48,407 --> 00:18:53,355 Father, do you know what a fuel reserve is? 321 00:18:53,446 --> 00:18:56,756 I'd imagine it's a basic back-up to the main fuel tanks. 322 00:18:56,846 --> 00:18:59,757 That's exactly it. Now, we have a fuel reserve, 323 00:18:59,845 --> 00:19:03,235 but the line connecting it to the... 324 00:19:03,325 --> 00:19:05,919 - the thing on the wing... - Engine. 325 00:19:06,005 --> 00:19:08,438 The engine, yes. That line is broken. 326 00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:11,675 If we could somehow fix that line, we might stand a chance. 327 00:19:11,764 --> 00:19:15,359 Even sticky tape would do, but there's none on the plane. 328 00:19:16,803 --> 00:19:18,794 That's where you're wrong. 329 00:19:18,883 --> 00:19:22,239 Dougal, give us the thing you bought there. 330 00:19:22,323 --> 00:19:24,278 All your problems are over. 331 00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:30,751 I wouldn't make any calls, it interferes with the radar. 332 00:19:30,842 --> 00:19:32,832 Dougal! The sticky tape. 333 00:19:36,921 --> 00:19:38,752 Brilliant. 334 00:19:38,841 --> 00:19:41,400 Now all you have to do is climb onto the wheels, 335 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,311 and attach the line. 336 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:44,719 - Then we're saved? - Yes. 337 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,473 I just climb out of the plane and... Hang on. 338 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,119 - I climb out of the plane? - Yes. 339 00:19:50,199 --> 00:19:53,908 I wouldn't trust anybody else. You can keep a level head. 340 00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:57,835 - Then I'll do it. - But Ted! 341 00:19:57,918 --> 00:19:59,795 Dougal, I love all this. 342 00:19:59,878 --> 00:20:03,109 When everything's Ok I imagine terrible things happening 343 00:20:03,198 --> 00:20:06,985 and now that one has actually happened, it's just a rush. 344 00:20:07,077 --> 00:20:10,433 I feel fearless, like Jeff Bridges in that movie. 345 00:20:10,517 --> 00:20:13,952 - I haven't seen that one. - Not many have, Dougal. 346 00:20:14,036 --> 00:20:18,188 Anyway, let's go, Captain. 347 00:20:18,276 --> 00:20:20,995 Father, I'm not a Captain. 348 00:20:21,076 --> 00:20:24,351 And I don't climb under planes to fix fuel lines. 349 00:20:24,435 --> 00:20:27,427 I think from now on, we're anything we want to be. 350 00:20:28,835 --> 00:20:30,870 Can I still be a priest? 351 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:44,352 - You're a very brave man. - I'm just doing a job. 352 00:20:44,433 --> 00:20:46,389 Dougal, the sticky tape. 353 00:20:46,473 --> 00:20:49,350 Well, I'd better get back to the cockpit. 354 00:20:50,512 --> 00:20:52,468 Good luck, Father Ted. 355 00:20:58,311 --> 00:21:00,461 (Sticky tape unrolling) 356 00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:04,748 'You have used three inches of sticky tape. God bless you.' 357 00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:06,309 (Tape unrolling) 358 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:10,303 'You have used four inches of sticky tape. God bless you. 359 00:21:10,390 --> 00:21:13,779 'You have used 11 and two-eighths inches of sticky tape. 360 00:21:13,869 --> 00:21:14,984 'God bless you.' 361 00:21:15,069 --> 00:21:17,583 (Ted) Ah, shut up. Wait! Dougal... 362 00:21:17,669 --> 00:21:20,660 I think I've... Yes! I've sealed up the line! 363 00:21:20,748 --> 00:21:23,262 - We're saved! - Oh, great! 364 00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:25,908 I've done it, Dougal! We're going to live! 365 00:21:25,988 --> 00:21:28,421 Everything's completely back to normal. 366 00:21:28,507 --> 00:21:33,262 It's just your completely average common or garden aeroplane journey. 367 00:21:34,107 --> 00:21:35,301 (Ted screaming) 368 00:21:35,387 --> 00:21:37,775 What am I doing on the fecking wheel? ! 369 00:21:37,866 --> 00:21:40,334 (Screaming) 370 00:21:45,065 --> 00:21:47,454 Oh, right. Right. 371 00:21:47,545 --> 00:21:49,775 Thanks very much. 372 00:21:49,865 --> 00:21:52,220 Well, still no sign of Father Jack. 373 00:21:52,305 --> 00:21:54,056 Oh, I hope he's all right. 374 00:21:54,144 --> 00:21:57,898 And Father Crilly. I hate seeing him like this. 375 00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:01,862 (Dougal) Ah, he's beginning to loosen his grip now. 376 00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:08,893 Anyway, would you like a sandwich? 377 00:22:08,983 --> 00:22:11,894 I cut them into the shape of an aeroplane. 378 00:22:13,142 --> 00:22:14,655 No thanks, Mrs Doyle. 379 00:22:14,742 --> 00:22:18,370 Ted and me have had enough of aeroplanes to do us a lifetime. 380 00:22:18,461 --> 00:22:20,417 Haven't we, Ted? 381 00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:25,976 (Jack) Drink! Feck! Arse! 382 00:22:26,060 --> 00:22:29,814 Drink! Feck! Arse! 383 00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:33,017 Drink! Feck! Arse! Drink! 384 00:22:33,100 --> 00:22:36,171 Ahh! Drink! Drink! 385 00:22:36,259 --> 00:22:38,819 Arse! (Screaming) 386 00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:41,288 Drink! Drink! Drink! 387 00:22:41,379 --> 00:22:43,130 Feck! Arse! 388 00:22:43,218 --> 00:22:45,368 (Sobbing) 389 00:22:47,378 --> 00:22:49,528 (Gibbering and sobbing) 390 00:22:50,618 --> 00:22:52,892 Drink! Drink! Drink! 391 00:22:52,977 --> 00:22:54,808 (Sobbing) 392 00:22:54,897 --> 00:22:56,171 (Gasping) 393 00:22:56,257 --> 00:22:58,896 Drink! Drink! 394 00:22:58,976 --> 00:23:01,410 (Continues shouting and sobbing) 395 00:23:07,815 --> 00:23:11,205 'This is your pilot speaking. The emergency is over. 396 00:23:11,295 --> 00:23:13,570 'We will be landing in 20 minutes.' 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net