1 00:00:10,966 --> 00:00:14,480 What about Tuesday? Can you do the 11 o'clock Mass? 2 00:00:14,525 --> 00:00:17,164 Ted, I'll do the 11 and the 12, 3 00:00:17,205 --> 00:00:20,640 you should have a rest after that weekend away. 4 00:00:20,684 --> 00:00:24,119 Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me. 5 00:00:24,163 --> 00:00:27,279 I'm off for a game. Ted, care to join me? 6 00:00:27,322 --> 00:00:30,519 No, thanks, Darren. What time are we going to the races? 7 00:00:30,562 --> 00:00:35,271 I suppose after lunch. Oh, and Mrs Dunne hopes you like pheasant. 8 00:00:35,321 --> 00:00:37,038 I love pheasant. 9 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,596 This is what it's all about. 10 00:00:40,639 --> 00:00:44,631 Fine port, beautiful surroundings... 11 00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,475 and intelligent company. 12 00:00:46,518 --> 00:00:49,554 Did you not have all that at your last parish? 13 00:00:50,957 --> 00:00:52,231 No. 14 00:00:52,277 --> 00:00:54,506 Dublin seems to suit you, though. 15 00:00:54,556 --> 00:00:57,593 You've got a new-found gleam in your eye. 16 00:00:57,636 --> 00:00:59,751 Yes, I'll be staying here a while, 17 00:00:59,795 --> 00:01:02,945 as long as I don't mess it up by doing something stupid. 18 00:01:02,994 --> 00:01:06,350 Most of these accounts seem in order, Father Smith, 19 00:01:06,394 --> 00:01:08,623 but could I ask Father Crilly 20 00:01:08,673 --> 00:01:13,302 about one or two of these things he's put down under "expenses"? 21 00:01:14,512 --> 00:01:15,910 TED! 22 00:01:40,306 --> 00:01:43,422 (Helicopter) 23 00:01:49,184 --> 00:01:51,254 (Squeaking and whirring) 24 00:01:55,903 --> 00:01:59,019 What is making that incredibly annoying noise? 25 00:01:59,062 --> 00:02:03,577 Ronaldo. I was lonely without you, Ted, so I got a hamster instead. 26 00:02:03,621 --> 00:02:08,011 Yes, but does he ever stop running in that fecking wheel? 27 00:02:10,299 --> 00:02:14,371 No, he's had to use it ever since he rode this into his feed tray. 28 00:02:16,098 --> 00:02:20,329 Don't worry, I think there's just something wrong with the brakes. 29 00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:40,052 How long has Father Jack been living in there? 30 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:43,243 He started just a few days after you left. 31 00:02:43,292 --> 00:02:45,123 Maybe he's agoraphobic. 32 00:02:45,172 --> 00:02:48,607 Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted. 33 00:02:49,771 --> 00:02:51,567 (Rumbling) 34 00:02:51,610 --> 00:02:53,407 (Screaming) 35 00:02:55,969 --> 00:02:58,608 Mrs Doyle just fell off the roof. 36 00:03:02,088 --> 00:03:05,204 I think I'll go and visit Father Fitzpatrick. 37 00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:07,636 I think he has a book belonging to me. 38 00:03:09,446 --> 00:03:11,960 Let's see now, Humanae Vitae. 39 00:03:12,006 --> 00:03:16,759 You know, sometimes I leaf through this to see just how far we've come. 40 00:03:18,804 --> 00:03:23,593 Celebration Of The Christian Mystery, Daeus Canida, Ventra Mepolo... 41 00:03:23,643 --> 00:03:26,520 Ah, Stephen king's The Shining. 42 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:32,953 Well, thanks for the tea, Father. See you the next time we, um... 43 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:39,669 We, uh... Sorry, Father, I hope you don't mind me asking but... 44 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,631 what have you got a padlock on that door for? 45 00:03:42,679 --> 00:03:44,873 Is there something top secret? 46 00:03:44,918 --> 00:03:47,148 - My collection. - Yes! That's right. 47 00:03:47,198 --> 00:03:51,110 - What is it? War memorabilia? - That's right. Like a look? 48 00:03:51,157 --> 00:03:53,147 I'd love to. 49 00:04:02,074 --> 00:04:04,542 Taken from the German advance on Russia. 50 00:04:04,594 --> 00:04:07,665 You can see where the hammer hits the shell casing. 51 00:04:07,713 --> 00:04:09,465 Gosh, that's interesting. 52 00:04:09,513 --> 00:04:13,061 Uh, these are helmets, mostly infantry. 53 00:04:13,472 --> 00:04:15,780 Yes, these would be German as well? 54 00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:17,708 That's right. 55 00:04:17,751 --> 00:04:19,741 Nothing from the Allied side? 56 00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:23,066 No, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all. 57 00:04:25,029 --> 00:04:26,781 (Ted) Right. 58 00:04:33,627 --> 00:04:36,300 That's my curiosity satisfied. 59 00:04:37,506 --> 00:04:41,658 And this is the last photograph taken of Herr Hitler. 60 00:04:41,706 --> 00:04:43,935 He's signing a few death warrants. 61 00:04:43,985 --> 00:04:47,215 Funny, how you get more right wing as you get older. 62 00:04:48,784 --> 00:04:52,332 Right, well... Great, this is all wonderful stuff. 63 00:04:52,383 --> 00:04:57,854 Some people aren't too sure but you seem genuinely interested. 64 00:04:57,982 --> 00:05:00,256 Oh, I am...genuinely interested. 65 00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:03,657 - Ahh! Was ist das?! - What are you doing here?! 66 00:05:03,701 --> 00:05:06,339 I told you! No sleeping here. 67 00:05:06,380 --> 00:05:09,257 This is an old friend, Ted. See you. 68 00:05:09,299 --> 00:05:13,337 (Man ) # Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles... # 69 00:05:25,416 --> 00:05:26,814 (Chimes ) 70 00:05:26,855 --> 00:05:28,083 Feck! 71 00:05:28,135 --> 00:05:30,365 - (Chimes ) - Arse! 72 00:05:30,415 --> 00:05:32,769 - (Chimes ) - Drink! 73 00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:49,000 Ted, the table's so dirty I can write me name in it. 74 00:05:49,050 --> 00:05:51,280 There's a "G" in Dougal. 75 00:05:54,689 --> 00:05:56,088 Where? 76 00:05:57,609 --> 00:06:00,600 Right, that's it. I'm fed up living in filth. 77 00:06:00,648 --> 00:06:03,241 We'll just have to clean this place. 78 00:06:03,287 --> 00:06:06,757 And what if anyone saw that hole in your tank top? 79 00:06:06,807 --> 00:06:10,082 Where, Ted? Ah, God, would you look at that! 80 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:22,634 And this here. A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window. 81 00:06:24,523 --> 00:06:29,549 How could you get a perfectly square bit of black dirt on a window? 82 00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:33,798 Mrs Doyle can't do any cleaning since she fell off the roof. 83 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,717 (Screaming) 84 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:39,876 See? She can't keep her balance at all. 85 00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:44,468 That's it, then, I'll just have to say it. 86 00:06:44,518 --> 00:06:47,156 We'll have to clean this place ourselves. 87 00:06:47,197 --> 00:06:48,391 What? 88 00:06:48,437 --> 00:06:51,633 - Are you with me, Dougal? - Well, yeah. 89 00:06:51,676 --> 00:06:54,634 Right, let's go! Let's clean this mother! 90 00:06:54,676 --> 00:06:56,267 Yeah! 91 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:24,022 Ted, I could pick up that broken bit of lamp. 92 00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:26,139 Good idea. 93 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:33,544 Wow. 94 00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,623 I'm bored now. 95 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:37,934 Yeah. 96 00:07:37,986 --> 00:07:40,705 Dougal, look. 97 00:07:44,105 --> 00:07:45,457 Ohh! 98 00:07:46,584 --> 00:07:49,382 Ho-ohh! 99 00:07:49,424 --> 00:07:53,052 I am Chinese if you please! 100 00:07:54,143 --> 00:07:56,178 Come on, Dougal, lighten up. 101 00:08:10,299 --> 00:08:13,256 Uhh... Wh... Wh... 102 00:08:13,298 --> 00:08:17,370 Who... Dougal, there were Chinese people there! 103 00:08:17,417 --> 00:08:19,214 Oh, right, yeah. 104 00:08:20,537 --> 00:08:21,810 But they... 105 00:08:21,856 --> 00:08:24,006 I mean... What is... I mean... 106 00:08:24,056 --> 00:08:27,172 That's the Yin family, they live in Chinatown. 107 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:31,287 Chinatown? There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island? 108 00:08:31,334 --> 00:08:33,973 I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression 109 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,483 if I'd known there was a Chinaman there to see. 110 00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,363 Why not, Ted? 111 00:08:40,652 --> 00:08:43,609 (Whispers ) Because... because it's racist. 112 00:08:43,651 --> 00:08:48,041 They'll think I'm a racist. I'll have to explain I'm not a racist. 113 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:56,565 If I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get "Fat Eyes". 114 00:08:56,609 --> 00:08:59,361 - (Revs engine ) - Ahh! 115 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:03,320 It's nothing of a racial nature! Thanks for being so understanding! 116 00:09:08,606 --> 00:09:10,482 Right, that's that. 117 00:09:10,525 --> 00:09:13,278 Oh, that's that, all right. What's that? 118 00:09:13,325 --> 00:09:18,193 I ordered some new stuff for the house, get rid of this old tat. 119 00:09:18,244 --> 00:09:21,918 Dougal, you don't think I upset those Chinese people? 120 00:09:21,963 --> 00:09:23,521 I don't know. 121 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:27,441 It was like when you did that impression of Stephen Hawking. 122 00:09:27,482 --> 00:09:30,837 He was the last person you'd expect to turn up. 123 00:09:30,881 --> 00:09:33,030 That was a million to one shot. 124 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:36,311 God, he can move in that wheelchair when he's angry. 125 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,715 Don't worry about it, Ted. Did you phone Habitat? 126 00:09:39,759 --> 00:09:41,477 No, Habit Hat. 127 00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:45,750 Like Habitat it sells soft furnishings but also priest clothes. 128 00:09:45,798 --> 00:09:48,436 Does it not get confused with Habitat? 129 00:09:48,477 --> 00:09:52,185 No, that's never happened, except when you just did it. 130 00:09:52,236 --> 00:09:54,591 Anyway, what else did you order? 131 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,103 Priest's socks, really black ones. 132 00:09:57,155 --> 00:09:59,668 I read in an article about priest's socks 133 00:09:59,714 --> 00:10:02,945 that priest's socks are blacker than any other socks. 134 00:10:02,994 --> 00:10:04,506 That's right. 135 00:10:04,553 --> 00:10:08,341 Sometimes you see lay people wearing apparently black socks 136 00:10:08,393 --> 00:10:10,189 but if you look closely, 137 00:10:10,232 --> 00:10:13,507 they're really very, very, very, very dark blue. 138 00:10:13,551 --> 00:10:17,623 That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks 139 00:10:17,670 --> 00:10:19,706 but when I looked at them closely, 140 00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:23,378 they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, dark blue. 141 00:10:25,909 --> 00:10:28,900 Never buy black socks in a normal shop. 142 00:10:28,948 --> 00:10:30,984 They'll shaft you every time. 143 00:10:36,266 --> 00:10:38,416 (Man ) Hello there, Father! 144 00:10:38,466 --> 00:10:40,615 Hello, Colm. 145 00:10:40,665 --> 00:10:44,294 - Out and about? - I am. Same as yourself. 146 00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:46,460 Good, good. 147 00:10:46,504 --> 00:10:49,256 I hear you're a racist now, Father. 148 00:10:50,103 --> 00:10:51,502 What? 149 00:10:51,543 --> 00:10:54,340 How did you get interested in that? 150 00:10:54,382 --> 00:10:58,135 - Who said I'm a racist? - Everyone's saying it, Father. 151 00:10:58,181 --> 00:11:00,058 Should we all be racists? 152 00:11:00,101 --> 00:11:03,331 What's the official line the Church is taking? 153 00:11:03,380 --> 00:11:04,574 No, no... 154 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:07,008 Only the farm takes up most of the day 155 00:11:07,059 --> 00:11:09,414 and at night I just like a cup of tea. 156 00:11:09,459 --> 00:11:13,610 I might not be able to devote myself full time to the old racism. 157 00:11:13,658 --> 00:11:16,171 - Good for you, Father! - What? 158 00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,128 Oh, Mrs Carberry. 159 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:22,806 Good for you! Someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! 160 00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:26,211 Coming over here, taking our jobs and our women 161 00:11:26,255 --> 00:11:29,246 and acting like they own the fecking place! 162 00:11:29,294 --> 00:11:32,411 Well done, Father! Good for you! 163 00:11:32,454 --> 00:11:36,651 Good for you! I'd like to fecking... 164 00:11:42,332 --> 00:11:46,370 - Fecking Greeks! - It's the Chinese he's after! 165 00:11:46,411 --> 00:11:48,401 I'm not after the Chinese! 166 00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:51,567 I don't care as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! 167 00:11:51,609 --> 00:11:53,565 They invented gayness! 168 00:11:53,609 --> 00:11:56,168 Look, we're not having a go at anybody! 169 00:11:56,208 --> 00:11:59,200 I'm not a racist, all right?! God. 170 00:11:59,248 --> 00:12:01,442 Feckin' Greeks! 171 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:06,957 - How's Mary? - Fine. She got that job. 172 00:12:07,006 --> 00:12:08,598 Great! 173 00:12:10,045 --> 00:12:11,763 (Man ) Racist! 174 00:12:15,564 --> 00:12:17,794 (Irish music playing, chatter) 175 00:12:18,723 --> 00:12:20,953 (Silence ) 176 00:12:27,282 --> 00:12:28,680 (Rings ) 177 00:12:29,961 --> 00:12:31,633 - Hello? - Hello. 178 00:12:31,681 --> 00:12:36,037 Is that the Yin dynasty... Family! Is that the Yin family? 179 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:40,277 - This is Sean Yin. - Hello, it's Father Ted Crilly here. 180 00:12:40,319 --> 00:12:42,912 I think I owe you an apology. 181 00:12:42,958 --> 00:12:45,108 (Bell tinkling, tyres screech) 182 00:12:51,676 --> 00:12:53,553 Right, see you in a while. 183 00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:57,793 Dougal, everything's cleared up. They're coming straight round. 184 00:12:57,835 --> 00:13:02,624 I'll stop people saying I'm a racist. It's great, nothing can go wrong. 185 00:13:02,674 --> 00:13:06,109 Fantastic. So the story is you're not a racist. 186 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:10,350 Yes. What? No, it's not a story. I am not a racist. 187 00:13:10,392 --> 00:13:12,461 Tea, everyone. 188 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:20,222 Father Crilly, I hear you're a racist. 189 00:13:21,389 --> 00:13:24,745 No, Mrs Doyle, he's not a racist. 190 00:13:24,789 --> 00:13:27,780 I am not! I am not a racist! 191 00:13:27,828 --> 00:13:31,661 Mrs Doyle, you can't go on like this. 192 00:13:31,707 --> 00:13:34,698 - I'm going to try something. - No! 193 00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:37,863 - Don't worry. - Oh, no...no! 194 00:13:37,906 --> 00:13:41,102 - No, no! - Just relax. 195 00:13:41,145 --> 00:13:42,783 No... (Screams ) 196 00:13:45,384 --> 00:13:49,171 Ohh... Oh, yes, that's much better. 197 00:13:49,223 --> 00:13:52,771 - Are you sure? You look... - Oh, yes, yes, yes! 198 00:13:52,822 --> 00:13:56,735 This is great. I'll be fine now, Father. 199 00:13:56,782 --> 00:13:58,180 NO! 200 00:13:59,581 --> 00:14:04,608 Seriously, Father, I feel 20 years younger. 201 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,249 Ted, the Chinese are coming. 202 00:14:09,299 --> 00:14:11,209 Oh, where are they? 203 00:14:11,258 --> 00:14:15,330 Feck it, this big mark's still on the window. Never mind. 204 00:14:17,097 --> 00:14:19,735 Hello! Hello! 205 00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:22,529 Why do we have to talk to this fascist? 206 00:14:22,576 --> 00:14:25,487 Come on now, it may have just been... 207 00:14:34,653 --> 00:14:36,405 Where are they going? 208 00:14:36,453 --> 00:14:40,968 I invite them here and they don't let me tell them my side of the story! 209 00:14:41,652 --> 00:14:43,528 (Inaudible ) 210 00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:58,518 This is terrible, people think I'm a Nazi racist and I'm not! 211 00:14:58,568 --> 00:15:00,159 What can I do? 212 00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:03,085 Ted, here's an idea right off the top of my head. 213 00:15:03,127 --> 00:15:06,596 I haven't thought it through but what the hell, 214 00:15:06,646 --> 00:15:10,718 I'll just talk and see what comes out. Anyway... 215 00:15:10,765 --> 00:15:14,837 Have a special event celebrating Craggy Island's different cultures 216 00:15:14,884 --> 00:15:18,193 and then people won't think you're a big racist. 217 00:15:22,242 --> 00:15:24,995 - My God... - What? 218 00:15:25,042 --> 00:15:28,431 - That's a good idea. - No, it isn't. 219 00:15:30,881 --> 00:15:32,757 It is, Dougal, it is! 220 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,838 No, there's probably something wrong with it. Think it through. 221 00:15:36,879 --> 00:15:39,518 No, Dougal, you've had a brilliant idea. 222 00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:42,072 But break it down for me a bit more. 223 00:15:42,118 --> 00:15:45,632 What would an event celebrating the different cultures be like? 224 00:15:45,677 --> 00:15:46,996 What? 225 00:15:48,956 --> 00:15:53,551 What would it involve? Celebration, yes, but what form could it take? 226 00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,586 Ted, I want out. 227 00:15:59,274 --> 00:16:02,027 - What do you mean? - I went too far too soon. 228 00:16:04,113 --> 00:16:06,785 I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted. 229 00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:10,950 I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads more. 230 00:16:10,992 --> 00:16:15,780 I'm sorry, Ted, I'm going to sleep in the spare room. 231 00:16:15,830 --> 00:16:18,185 - Dougal! - I'm sorry! 232 00:16:20,150 --> 00:16:24,858 I've sheltered you for 50 years, you've never even made me tea. 233 00:16:24,908 --> 00:16:28,264 (German accent) You make the tea, I do the washing up. 234 00:16:29,347 --> 00:16:31,224 When did you do the washing up? 235 00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:34,144 I did it for the whole of 1947! 236 00:16:34,186 --> 00:16:36,905 And again in 1973. 237 00:16:36,946 --> 00:16:40,142 You liar! You broke all the plates and then went, 238 00:16:40,185 --> 00:16:45,338 "I am so tired, I never had to wash up in the Wehrmacht." 239 00:16:45,384 --> 00:16:48,455 - Never! - I'm going to take a Valium. 240 00:16:48,503 --> 00:16:51,812 - Me too. - Why must you ape everything I do? 241 00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:58,259 Wait! These aren't Valium! 242 00:16:58,301 --> 00:17:01,690 These are the cyanide we kept for emergencies! 243 00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:07,330 You put cyanide next to the Valium, that's asking for trouble! 244 00:17:07,379 --> 00:17:10,336 - Shut up. - We've only got 15 seconds to live! 245 00:17:10,378 --> 00:17:13,688 - That is just fine by me. - Good. Fine by me too. 246 00:17:13,738 --> 00:17:17,412 - Good, I'm glad it is. - I'm glad you're glad. 247 00:17:32,773 --> 00:17:36,731 Holy Mary Mother of God, Jesus and His Blessed Saints. 248 00:17:36,772 --> 00:17:39,081 Oh, Holy Mary... 249 00:17:39,132 --> 00:17:40,928 I'm cured! 250 00:17:43,891 --> 00:17:45,369 What happened, Mrs Doyle? 251 00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:48,527 I stepped on the hamster's bike and fell down the stairs. 252 00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:51,561 Dougal, I told you to put that away safely. 253 00:17:51,609 --> 00:17:53,964 I did, Ted. I put it back in the cage. 254 00:17:54,009 --> 00:17:58,876 Oh, no, no. Don't worry, Father. It's great, I feel fantastic. 255 00:17:58,927 --> 00:18:02,522 I'd forgotten I can turn my head right around like this! 256 00:18:03,646 --> 00:18:06,365 That stuff from Habit Hat arrives today 257 00:18:06,406 --> 00:18:09,715 so when it comes give Father Jack... Where is Jack? 258 00:18:09,765 --> 00:18:13,120 - I think he's up the chimney. - Right... 259 00:18:13,164 --> 00:18:16,076 - Will I burn him out? - No! 260 00:18:16,124 --> 00:18:19,479 The smoke would back up, it'd be all over the house. 261 00:18:19,523 --> 00:18:23,401 Anyway, when that stuff comes, put it all up, all the... 262 00:18:23,442 --> 00:18:27,798 new rugs...and the things for the chairs and... 263 00:18:27,841 --> 00:18:29,399 It's your thing really. 264 00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:32,318 I wouldn't know about that because I'm a man. 265 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:38,037 Anyway, we're off to celebrate Craggy Island's ethnic diversity. 266 00:18:43,677 --> 00:18:45,554 ( # Carl Douglas: kung Fu Fighting) 267 00:18:48,676 --> 00:18:50,792 (Applause ) 268 00:18:54,715 --> 00:18:58,343 Welcome. Willkommen. Bienvenu. 269 00:18:59,874 --> 00:19:02,467 It's a great honour and privilege for me 270 00:19:02,513 --> 00:19:05,902 to present this celebration of the diverse cultures 271 00:19:05,952 --> 00:19:07,943 that exist on Craggy Island. 272 00:19:07,992 --> 00:19:11,666 Namely, Chinese people and people from Craggy Island. 273 00:19:11,711 --> 00:19:14,782 I've prepared a short slide presentation 274 00:19:14,830 --> 00:19:17,139 which reflects this multicultural mix. 275 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:20,181 So, without further ado let's start the show. 276 00:19:25,988 --> 00:19:28,626 He visited the Island a few years ago, 277 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:32,501 I forget his name now but... I got on very well with him. 278 00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:34,741 I just thought I'd throw that in. 279 00:19:34,786 --> 00:19:36,777 Will there be any free drink at this? 280 00:19:36,826 --> 00:19:39,862 Yes, a limited supply of free drink afterwards. 281 00:19:41,345 --> 00:19:45,178 The Great Wall Of China, a miracle of Chinese engineering. 282 00:19:45,224 --> 00:19:48,499 So big you can see it from anywhere in the world. 283 00:19:50,942 --> 00:19:54,821 Chairman Mao, secretary of the Communist Party of China, 284 00:19:54,862 --> 00:19:59,059 the world's biggest Communist party, and in my view, the best. 285 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,698 Mr Miyagi from The karate kid. 286 00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:06,890 My favourite film, not because of the karate kid, 287 00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:09,088 but because of Mr Miyagi. 288 00:20:09,138 --> 00:20:13,050 Every day, I remember some of his many words of wisdom. 289 00:20:14,937 --> 00:20:18,451 kato! Where would he spring from next? 290 00:20:21,975 --> 00:20:24,535 The Maori. 291 00:20:24,575 --> 00:20:27,452 I'm sorry, I don't know how that got in there. 292 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:30,963 Of course, there are no Maoris on Craggy Island. 293 00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,764 Ming the Merciless. 294 00:20:36,892 --> 00:20:41,282 And best of all, the Chinese people themselves. 295 00:20:41,331 --> 00:20:43,561 Look at them, aren't they great? 296 00:20:43,611 --> 00:20:46,647 The Chinese. A great bunch of lads. 297 00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:51,525 I think we've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture 298 00:20:51,569 --> 00:20:55,117 and I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight 299 00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:58,045 and if you'd like to, we can have a bit of an old chat. 300 00:21:01,007 --> 00:21:04,203 Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. 301 00:21:04,246 --> 00:21:08,363 But the free drink... very much appreciated. 302 00:21:08,405 --> 00:21:10,396 Thank you, Father Crilly. 303 00:21:10,445 --> 00:21:12,514 I just wanted to clear things up. 304 00:21:12,564 --> 00:21:15,203 I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. 305 00:21:15,244 --> 00:21:20,760 Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do, whereas priests... 306 00:21:21,842 --> 00:21:23,798 - More drink! - (Cheers ) 307 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,955 Er, anywhere there. 308 00:21:37,639 --> 00:21:39,515 Would you like a cup of tea? 309 00:21:39,558 --> 00:21:42,754 No, thanks. I have an allergic reaction to it. 310 00:21:42,797 --> 00:21:47,392 It's very rare. If I drink tea, there's a 70% chance I'll die. 311 00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:52,225 I'll make you a cup anyway... in case you change your mind. 312 00:21:52,275 --> 00:21:54,425 No. Thanks anyway. 313 00:22:04,033 --> 00:22:05,431 To China! 314 00:22:05,472 --> 00:22:07,428 (Cheers ) 315 00:22:07,472 --> 00:22:08,905 To Craggy Island! 316 00:22:08,952 --> 00:22:10,782 (Cheers ) 317 00:22:10,831 --> 00:22:13,299 - More drink! - (Cheers ) 318 00:22:13,351 --> 00:22:15,068 Sorry, the bar's closed. 319 00:22:15,110 --> 00:22:16,941 (Cheers ) 320 00:22:16,990 --> 00:22:20,106 Everyone come back to my place for a drink. 321 00:22:20,149 --> 00:22:21,662 (Cheers ) 322 00:22:21,709 --> 00:22:23,460 I need the toilet first. 323 00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:25,783 (Cheers ) 324 00:22:25,828 --> 00:22:27,943 (Cheers ) 325 00:22:27,987 --> 00:22:30,262 Mrs Doyle, we have guests. 326 00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:31,819 Did that stuff arrive? 327 00:22:31,866 --> 00:22:35,620 Yes, and I put it all up in less than an hour. 328 00:22:35,666 --> 00:22:38,054 - There was this letter. - Letter? 329 00:22:38,105 --> 00:22:40,335 "Father Crilly, on the instructions 330 00:22:40,385 --> 00:22:44,013 "of our recently deceased client, Father Seamus Fitzpatrick, 331 00:22:44,064 --> 00:22:47,419 "here are some items he specified you should have 332 00:22:47,463 --> 00:22:49,579 "in the event of his death." 333 00:22:54,941 --> 00:22:56,852 (Bell tinkling) 334 00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,135 I can explain everything. 335 00:23:10,498 --> 00:23:12,408 Actually, no, I can't. 336 00:23:14,257 --> 00:23:16,293 (Telephone rings ) 337 00:23:16,337 --> 00:23:18,566 - Hello? - Uh, sorry again... 338 00:23:18,616 --> 00:23:21,448 and have you opened that present yet? 339 00:23:21,495 --> 00:23:23,725 No, looking forward to it though. 340 00:23:23,775 --> 00:23:27,653 A year's supply of whisky! How very generous! 341 00:23:27,694 --> 00:23:32,164 Yes, the problem there is, you see, there's been a change of plan. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net