1 00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:44,892 You know Father Cavanagh, and this is Father Brian Eno. 2 00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,738 - Ted! - One second. 3 00:00:46,781 --> 00:00:48,056 He's gonna jump! 4 00:00:50,062 --> 00:00:52,941 Kevin! What's going on, for goodness' sake? 5 00:00:52,983 --> 00:00:55,976 - I can't go on! - Don't be silly, Kevin! 6 00:00:56,024 --> 00:00:59,813 It's pointless! What did I become a priest for anyway? 7 00:00:59,865 --> 00:01:03,222 What an utterly useless waste of time. 8 00:01:03,266 --> 00:01:05,622 I'd have been of more use sweeping roads. 9 00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:08,341 Listen to him! It's fabulous being a priest! 10 00:01:08,388 --> 00:01:10,948 Think of the comfort you bring to the sick! 11 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,980 They can't get enough of it! 12 00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:16,625 And what about your friends? Father Alan, for instance! 13 00:01:16,670 --> 00:01:18,662 I've never met him before. 14 00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:21,271 All right. Anyone know him? 15 00:01:21,311 --> 00:01:23,780 (All) No, no. 16 00:01:23,832 --> 00:01:26,586 Oh, right. I'm your friend, Kevin! 17 00:01:27,593 --> 00:01:29,903 - Really? - You better believe it! 18 00:01:29,954 --> 00:01:32,149 Now, stop that nonsense and come on. 19 00:01:32,195 --> 00:01:34,106 Ok... I'm coming in. 20 00:01:34,155 --> 00:01:35,508 (All cheer) 21 00:01:35,555 --> 00:01:36,909 Aaahhh! 22 00:01:38,196 --> 00:01:40,392 Well caught, Ted! 23 00:01:40,437 --> 00:01:43,510 (American accent) Who's the silver-haired priest? 24 00:01:43,558 --> 00:01:47,029 - That's Father Ted Crilly. - Crilly, huh? Thank you. 25 00:01:47,079 --> 00:01:48,478 And who are you? 26 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,031 What the...? 27 00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:57,318 Sorry, I went over there. What did you say? 28 00:01:57,362 --> 00:02:00,719 - Who are you? - My name's Cagney. Buzz Cagney. 29 00:02:00,763 --> 00:02:04,837 I think I might have a proposition for this Father Ted Crilly. 30 00:02:04,884 --> 00:02:07,080 - Oh, yes... - There you go. 31 00:02:10,045 --> 00:02:12,037 I'm sorry, Father, I... 32 00:02:12,086 --> 00:02:15,557 I don't know what came over me. I get a bit depressed sometimes. 33 00:02:15,607 --> 00:02:19,681 Don't mention it. Hate to bring this up now but... 34 00:02:19,728 --> 00:02:24,120 That 20 quid you owe me... Do you remember? If you have it. 35 00:02:25,090 --> 00:02:27,126 (Bell tolls) 36 00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:34,731 And Harrison Ford jumps off, and as he's falling fires up the plane. 37 00:02:34,772 --> 00:02:36,764 Wow! That sounds great! 38 00:02:36,813 --> 00:02:39,374 - I'm going again this weekend. - Brilliant! 39 00:02:39,414 --> 00:02:43,044 Oh, Mrs Doyle, when you go home, Father Kevin will be there. 40 00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:47,772 He's staying until this depression or whatever it is lifts. So... 41 00:02:47,816 --> 00:02:51,287 Oh, right. So, don't depress him? 42 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:55,411 Yes, stay away from war and death and that whole Mirror pension fund area. 43 00:02:55,458 --> 00:02:59,054 All right. I'll stick to things like... 44 00:02:59,099 --> 00:03:00,931 puppies and cushions. 45 00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:03,256 Puppies and cushions. 46 00:03:04,301 --> 00:03:06,532 I'm in a better mood already. 47 00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,491 Father, that sermon today... 48 00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:14,576 Frankly, it bored the arse off me. 49 00:03:16,504 --> 00:03:18,894 Well, Eugene, I'm not here to entertain you. 50 00:03:18,945 --> 00:03:22,416 If you want that type of thing, go and see Jean-Michel Jarre. 51 00:03:22,466 --> 00:03:25,061 What the hell was it about anyway? 52 00:03:25,107 --> 00:03:29,181 - Well, it was... - Ah, Jesus! 53 00:03:29,228 --> 00:03:32,380 What was my sermon about, Dougal? Do you remember? 54 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:35,786 Sorry, Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy. 55 00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:39,345 To be honest, I couldn't give a toss. 56 00:03:43,872 --> 00:03:48,072 This is much more fun than killing yourself, isn't it, Kevin? 57 00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:52,068 - Suppose. - Come on, Kevin, cheer up. 58 00:03:52,115 --> 00:03:54,470 That's me and Dougal's job now. 59 00:03:54,515 --> 00:03:56,632 We're in the Smile Brigade. 60 00:03:56,676 --> 00:03:58,872 Not the fire brigade, the Smile Brigade! 61 00:03:58,917 --> 00:04:03,708 We're going to keep you happy and cheery until you can go to the bank. 62 00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:09,909 - Go to the bank? - Go home. I meant go home. 63 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:14,239 - I'll have your money on Monday. - It was a slip of the tongue. 64 00:04:14,281 --> 00:04:16,557 I don't even remember how much it was. 65 00:04:16,602 --> 00:04:18,672 - It was a tenner. - Twenty! 66 00:04:20,443 --> 00:04:25,564 Twenty. I'm sorry, but let's nip that in the bud now. It was twenty. 67 00:04:25,604 --> 00:04:27,994 I'm sorry, but it was twenty. 68 00:04:28,045 --> 00:04:30,958 Anyway, you're gonna stay here until you cheer up. 69 00:04:31,006 --> 00:04:35,398 Things are gonna happen for you now, I can feel it. 70 00:04:35,447 --> 00:04:38,008 Oh, nice move, k ev. Actually, Kevin... 71 00:04:38,048 --> 00:04:41,041 you've landed on a snake there. 72 00:04:41,089 --> 00:04:43,444 You have to go, er, go down. 73 00:04:45,690 --> 00:04:48,524 What's wrong with you? 74 00:04:48,571 --> 00:04:51,166 There's nothing wrong. Are you all right, Kevin? 75 00:04:51,212 --> 00:04:53,646 Yeah, yeah... I'm all right... 76 00:04:55,413 --> 00:04:57,404 Your go again. 77 00:05:00,054 --> 00:05:02,250 Oh, good. Five. (Chuckles ) 78 00:05:02,295 --> 00:05:04,286 (Sobs ) 79 00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:08,130 Another snake. 80 00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:10,691 (Laughing) 81 00:05:11,858 --> 00:05:13,371 Your go, Dougal. 82 00:05:13,418 --> 00:05:15,216 Hooray! 83 00:05:15,259 --> 00:05:19,219 If he keeps landing on snakes, then I'm going to win for sure. 84 00:05:24,421 --> 00:05:27,619 You're very near a snake. As long as you don't get a one. 85 00:05:31,423 --> 00:05:33,619 You're all right. It's...a six. 86 00:05:33,664 --> 00:05:35,859 No, it isn't, Ted. It's a one! 87 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:41,136 I don't think it is, Dougal. 88 00:05:41,186 --> 00:05:45,305 It is, Ted! It's a one! Look! He's going to snaketown! 89 00:05:45,347 --> 00:05:47,339 Wheeeee! 90 00:05:48,828 --> 00:05:50,547 Ah, come on, Kevin! 91 00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,540 Oh, wait, no. It is a six. 92 00:05:58,751 --> 00:05:59,945 (Doorbell) 93 00:05:59,991 --> 00:06:02,586 Kevin! Tell you what... 94 00:06:02,632 --> 00:06:04,828 We'll leave it at 15 quid! 95 00:06:05,873 --> 00:06:07,671 - Father? - Mm? 96 00:06:07,714 --> 00:06:09,909 A visitor, Father. 97 00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:11,752 Father Crilly, hello. 98 00:06:11,795 --> 00:06:13,194 Hello. 99 00:06:13,235 --> 00:06:15,227 My name is Father Buzz Cagney. 100 00:06:15,276 --> 00:06:18,872 I was at the conference. I was hoping we could have a chat. 101 00:06:18,917 --> 00:06:22,354 I think you might be interested in a little proposition. 102 00:06:22,878 --> 00:06:24,709 Then I was in Utah. 103 00:06:24,758 --> 00:06:27,398 Not a good Catholic market. Mormon country. 104 00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:30,876 Out there a guy can have five, ten wives. 105 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,912 That's a lot of action. 106 00:06:32,961 --> 00:06:34,758 Action, yeah... 107 00:06:34,801 --> 00:06:38,158 Hard to compete with that. Then I was in Reno... 108 00:06:38,202 --> 00:06:40,671 Reno? Isn't that very like Wicklow? 109 00:06:40,723 --> 00:06:43,602 I did a Mass in Wicklow once. Very rough crowd. 110 00:06:43,644 --> 00:06:46,842 You have to do a good sermon or they'll hop all over you. 111 00:06:46,885 --> 00:06:50,083 - Where are you now? - I'm in Beverly Hills. 112 00:06:50,766 --> 00:06:53,839 Bruberly Huls? Oh, wow! 113 00:06:54,927 --> 00:06:57,920 Good God. You really landed on your feet there. 114 00:06:57,968 --> 00:07:01,928 Tell me, is it really as false and artificial as everyone says it is? 115 00:07:01,969 --> 00:07:03,198 Yes. 116 00:07:04,530 --> 00:07:06,521 I'd love that. 117 00:07:08,171 --> 00:07:11,528 - You do meet a lot of celebrities. - Yeah? Like who? 118 00:07:11,572 --> 00:07:14,167 - Kevin Spacey, he's nice. - Don't know him. 119 00:07:14,213 --> 00:07:17,570 What about Val kilmer? I believe he's a complete bastard. 120 00:07:18,614 --> 00:07:21,732 Did you ever think of going out there yourself? 121 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,085 I usually go on holidays with my curate. 122 00:07:24,136 --> 00:07:26,127 He can't take the sun too well. 123 00:07:35,299 --> 00:07:38,690 Who are you? What are you talking about? 124 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:43,291 This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's just on a short visit. 125 00:07:43,701 --> 00:07:45,897 - He's from America. - America? 126 00:07:45,942 --> 00:07:49,902 We were just talking about that kurt Cobain. He was from America. 127 00:07:49,943 --> 00:07:52,697 Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun! 128 00:07:52,744 --> 00:07:55,338 God, how did he manage to survive that?! 129 00:07:57,425 --> 00:08:00,623 Er...he didn't. He died. 130 00:08:01,666 --> 00:08:03,385 Oh, right. 131 00:08:04,427 --> 00:08:06,623 You go to bed. I'll be up in a minute. 132 00:08:06,668 --> 00:08:09,422 All right. Good night, lads! 133 00:08:09,469 --> 00:08:11,858 You'll be up in a minute? 134 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:15,823 Yes, we sleep together. Anyway, who else do you know? 135 00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:22,142 Hello! Father, are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow? 136 00:08:22,192 --> 00:08:24,787 Well... Yes, I suppose so. 137 00:08:24,833 --> 00:08:28,793 I think you'll enjoy it. You do like pheasant, don't you? 138 00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:31,747 Pheasant? God, I love pheasant! 139 00:08:31,795 --> 00:08:34,264 Well, that's a little clue. 140 00:08:34,316 --> 00:08:37,593 The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well! 141 00:08:42,958 --> 00:08:46,269 Mrs Doyle, you're not going to cut his nails now, are you? 142 00:08:46,319 --> 00:08:49,915 I have to, Father. He's been worrying the armrests again. 143 00:08:53,081 --> 00:08:55,073 Oh, all right. 144 00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,833 Buzz, just slip this on. 145 00:09:05,685 --> 00:09:07,277 Anyway, you were saying? 146 00:09:07,325 --> 00:09:12,321 Yeah, I was curious, how much money did this parish bring in last year? 147 00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:14,756 How much money? God, I don't know. 148 00:09:15,528 --> 00:09:17,519 (Smash) 149 00:09:19,609 --> 00:09:22,328 Another bloody window gone. 150 00:09:22,369 --> 00:09:27,399 I suppose we take in about £150. Maybe £200. 151 00:09:27,451 --> 00:09:29,647 Ow! Mrs Doyle! 152 00:09:29,692 --> 00:09:31,683 Aim into the wall, please. 153 00:09:32,933 --> 00:09:36,563 £200, huh? What's that? Not even $400. 154 00:09:36,614 --> 00:09:38,605 You know what I'd do with $400? 155 00:09:38,654 --> 00:09:41,044 I'd wipe my ass with $400. 156 00:09:42,135 --> 00:09:44,127 Good God. 157 00:09:45,816 --> 00:09:48,047 Can that still be used as legal tender? 158 00:09:49,817 --> 00:09:53,937 My parish, St John's, made $2 million last year. 159 00:09:53,979 --> 00:09:56,777 That's a lot of sherry and steak dinners. 160 00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:04,578 Mrs Doyle! Seriously, now, do it later! 161 00:10:04,622 --> 00:10:06,772 Oh, all right, Father. 162 00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:14,737 This is the St John's brochure. 163 00:10:15,785 --> 00:10:20,143 It's a little out of date. We've had another swimming pool built and... 164 00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:23,577 these ladies serving drinks would be in their 20s now. 165 00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:28,700 Wow. Cool. 166 00:10:29,749 --> 00:10:33,345 Ted, the other day, I saw how you dealt with that suicide guy. 167 00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:35,825 I have to say, I liked what I saw. 168 00:10:35,871 --> 00:10:41,026 How'd you like to work with me in LA, in a satellite parish to St John's? 169 00:10:41,072 --> 00:10:44,861 You mean...LA? That's un... 170 00:10:55,676 --> 00:10:57,668 ..believable! 171 00:10:57,717 --> 00:11:00,107 That's fantastic! Could you swing it? 172 00:11:00,158 --> 00:11:03,868 It's a good parish. If you work hard, the rewards are there. 173 00:11:03,919 --> 00:11:05,910 Yeah, spiritual rewards. 174 00:11:05,959 --> 00:11:08,428 No. Real rewards. 175 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,517 Really? 176 00:11:10,561 --> 00:11:14,237 It's a land of opportunity. You want something, you can get it. 177 00:11:14,282 --> 00:11:15,476 I want it! 178 00:11:18,403 --> 00:11:22,283 Really? It's official? ! Yes! Yes, great news! 179 00:11:23,324 --> 00:11:25,714 Thank you, Buzz. Thank you! 180 00:11:26,525 --> 00:11:28,323 Yes! 181 00:11:29,686 --> 00:11:33,566 One step at a time. Got to get them all together. 182 00:11:33,607 --> 00:11:37,760 Father Jack, Dougal, Mrs Doyle... I'm going to America! 183 00:11:37,808 --> 00:11:39,527 Yes! 184 00:11:39,569 --> 00:11:41,879 Ted, could I talk to you for a minute? 185 00:11:41,930 --> 00:11:43,727 Sure. 186 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,760 I, er... 187 00:11:47,811 --> 00:11:52,169 I just wanna thank you for talking me off the ledge. 188 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,204 It was very good of you. 189 00:11:54,253 --> 00:11:57,371 I can't pretend that I'm any happier, I'm afraid. 190 00:11:57,414 --> 00:12:00,725 The world still seems a dark, unpleasant place... 191 00:12:00,775 --> 00:12:02,846 Yes! 192 00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:06,649 I have to get my stuff over. But that won't be a problem. 193 00:12:06,697 --> 00:12:09,165 Kevin! Hello! What can I do for you? 194 00:12:09,217 --> 00:12:13,006 Well, it's just... I feel as if I should tell someone 195 00:12:13,058 --> 00:12:16,256 where my thoughts have been leading me these past weeks. 196 00:12:16,299 --> 00:12:18,894 Down some very dark and disturbing alleys. 197 00:12:18,940 --> 00:12:22,058 I think I'm experiencing what you might know 198 00:12:22,101 --> 00:12:24,093 as the dark night of the soul. 199 00:12:24,142 --> 00:12:27,613 Hold on a second, Kevin. Do you mind if I put on some music? 200 00:12:28,663 --> 00:12:30,415 No, er... 201 00:12:31,144 --> 00:12:35,104 I've begun to be plagued by doubts. Doubts about... 202 00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,706 Oh, God, I mean, what if none of it's true? 203 00:12:37,746 --> 00:12:40,135 ( # Theme from Shaft) 204 00:12:42,147 --> 00:12:46,505 # Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? 205 00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:48,346 # Shaft! # 206 00:12:50,149 --> 00:12:53,267 - Sorry, Father? - This is such a good song! 207 00:12:56,351 --> 00:13:00,061 I just keep thinking about the awful things that happen to people. 208 00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:04,584 War, famine, that whole Mirror pension fund thing... 209 00:13:07,314 --> 00:13:09,306 It just makes me despair. 210 00:13:10,235 --> 00:13:12,226 # Shaft! # 211 00:13:15,957 --> 00:13:19,029 I love this bit - # Daga daga daga daga... # 212 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,994 I do...I do like this song, actually. 213 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,556 Ah, yes, it's terrific. Mrs Doyle got it in a car-boot sale. 214 00:13:41,444 --> 00:13:44,164 (Both) # Shaft! Shaft! Shaft! 215 00:13:52,287 --> 00:13:54,404 You were saying, Kevin? 216 00:13:54,448 --> 00:13:57,964 It doesn't matter. I'd better go home anyway. Thanks, Ted. 217 00:13:58,009 --> 00:14:00,204 Listen, did you want that twenty? 218 00:14:00,249 --> 00:14:04,209 - Yeah... Actually, keep it. - Really? All right. Thanks, Ted. 219 00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:06,242 No problem! 220 00:14:15,494 --> 00:14:16,893 Yes! 221 00:14:32,058 --> 00:14:35,734 Dougal, great news. I've been asked to go and work in America! 222 00:14:35,779 --> 00:14:38,533 Really? As what? 223 00:14:40,221 --> 00:14:42,132 Well, as a priest. 224 00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:46,255 A priest? Great. That's more or less the same as what you do here. 225 00:14:47,783 --> 00:14:51,015 - Yes. - God, America! Fantastic! 226 00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:54,023 - When are we going? - When are we...? What? 227 00:14:55,065 --> 00:14:57,660 I am going, aren't I? You wouldn't... 228 00:14:57,706 --> 00:15:00,095 You wouldn't leave me behind, would you? 229 00:15:09,349 --> 00:15:13,741 Mrs Doyle! Ted's been offered a job in America and we're going with him! 230 00:15:14,871 --> 00:15:19,150 (Gasping) We're going to...? We're geeng to Meerica? 231 00:15:19,192 --> 00:15:21,468 We're geeng to Meeca? 232 00:15:21,513 --> 00:15:25,905 Are we? Are we really? Are we really, Father? 233 00:15:32,476 --> 00:15:36,265 - Yes, we're going to America. - Tell Father Jack! 234 00:15:39,998 --> 00:15:41,556 Father Jack? 235 00:15:41,598 --> 00:15:44,193 (Easy listening) 236 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:49,200 # I'll be seeing you 237 00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:53,030 # In apple blossom time 238 00:15:54,082 --> 00:15:57,837 # I'll be seeing you 239 00:15:57,883 --> 00:16:01,877 # To change your name to mine # 240 00:16:03,845 --> 00:16:08,124 Actually, I think I'd better just go and have a bit of a lie-down. 241 00:16:16,688 --> 00:16:19,249 Father, do you mind if I turn on the radio? 242 00:16:19,289 --> 00:16:21,520 No, I don't. Put it on. 243 00:16:21,570 --> 00:16:24,802 (DJ) '..with their new single, here's Radiohead.' 244 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:29,562 # Wake from your sleep 245 00:16:32,453 --> 00:16:35,127 # The drying of 246 00:16:36,174 --> 00:16:39,372 # Your tears 247 00:16:40,415 --> 00:16:42,566 # Today 248 00:16:43,616 --> 00:16:45,733 # We escape 249 00:16:47,617 --> 00:16:51,213 # We escape # 250 00:17:01,581 --> 00:17:05,131 Woo-hoo! You guys! What a great Mass! 251 00:17:07,143 --> 00:17:10,978 - What d'you think, Buzz? - Seeing you today, Ted... 252 00:17:11,024 --> 00:17:14,813 I haven't been this excited about religion in 30 years. 253 00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:16,857 You know how to work the room! 254 00:17:16,906 --> 00:17:21,298 You inspired me. It was one of those Masses when everything went right. 255 00:17:21,347 --> 00:17:23,339 I was just in the zone. 256 00:17:23,388 --> 00:17:26,221 They're gonna love you in the States. You put on a show. 257 00:17:26,268 --> 00:17:28,339 But it's a competitive market. 258 00:17:28,389 --> 00:17:32,019 You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys. 259 00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:34,505 You gotta grab your audience. You know where? 260 00:17:34,551 --> 00:17:38,261 - Yeah! By the balls! - I was gonna say by the shoulders. 261 00:17:38,312 --> 00:17:40,542 Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, it's fantastic! 262 00:17:40,592 --> 00:17:43,187 I feel like doing another Mass right away. 263 00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:46,829 Pace yourself. I wouldn't do another Mass for a week. 264 00:17:46,874 --> 00:17:49,947 The way I feel now, I could convert gays! 265 00:18:00,558 --> 00:18:02,709 Oh-ho, Ted. One week to go! 266 00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:05,034 Yes, Dougal. Um... 267 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,630 Mrs Doyle, Dougal, Father Jack... 268 00:18:08,681 --> 00:18:12,391 I have to tell you something. I have to be absolutely honest with you. 269 00:18:12,442 --> 00:18:16,675 - The money was just... - Resting in the account. We know. 270 00:18:17,803 --> 00:18:19,999 No, it's nothing to do with that. 271 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,404 Well...the thing is... 272 00:18:28,126 --> 00:18:30,482 You won't...you won't... 273 00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:32,643 be able to come with me. 274 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:42,926 When I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space! Yes. 275 00:18:42,970 --> 00:18:46,168 NASA have selected me to be the first priest in space... 276 00:18:46,211 --> 00:18:51,128 - I thought you'd want to hear. - Great. That's all right. 277 00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:54,962 God, Ted! First America, then space! What's next? 278 00:18:58,855 --> 00:19:00,447 Who knows? 279 00:19:00,495 --> 00:19:05,173 As long as we can all go to America, that's the important thing. 280 00:19:05,217 --> 00:19:08,528 I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, 281 00:19:08,578 --> 00:19:13,653 I'd have to say that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. 282 00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:19,256 A disappointment like that, I couldn't live with it. 283 00:19:19,301 --> 00:19:22,658 I might have to take the ultimate step and take my own life. 284 00:19:22,702 --> 00:19:25,422 Mrs Doyle, that's a terrible thing to say! 285 00:19:25,463 --> 00:19:29,457 But it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! 286 00:19:31,184 --> 00:19:33,176 Yes. Ha, ha. 287 00:19:37,746 --> 00:19:39,977 Well, Father, today's the day. 288 00:19:40,027 --> 00:19:43,065 I arranged for the electricity and phone to be cut off, 289 00:19:43,108 --> 00:19:46,784 and someone is going to take away the furniture and burn it! 290 00:19:52,310 --> 00:19:56,749 Well, come on, now, Father! We don't want to miss our plane! 291 00:19:57,792 --> 00:20:01,468 God, I've just seen my passport photo. I look hilarious. 292 00:20:01,513 --> 00:20:04,267 Here. God, I've changed a lot. 293 00:20:05,314 --> 00:20:09,433 Look at Father Jack. He's so excited he can barely keep still. 294 00:20:12,316 --> 00:20:14,990 Seriously, I have to say something. 295 00:20:15,037 --> 00:20:17,267 Oh, I can't wait to hear this! 296 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:21,358 Every time Ted talks to us these days it's more and more good news. 297 00:20:21,399 --> 00:20:23,913 Now you're going to tell us you're Santa! 298 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,997 No, I'm not. In fact, I'm the opposite to Santa. 299 00:20:28,041 --> 00:20:30,032 The Antisanta? 300 00:20:31,842 --> 00:20:34,834 I'm afraid this is going to come as a terrible blow 301 00:20:34,883 --> 00:20:37,078 but I can't put it off any longer. 302 00:20:41,124 --> 00:20:45,277 - What are those guys doing here? - They just came to say goodbye. 303 00:20:45,326 --> 00:20:47,715 They don't think they're coming, do they? 304 00:20:47,766 --> 00:20:51,726 No, I made that very clear. I told them a million times. 305 00:20:51,767 --> 00:20:54,328 Just say your goodbyes and get checked in. 306 00:20:54,368 --> 00:20:57,088 Then we'll go talk about your new parish. 307 00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:04,722 All my life I've dreamed about something special happening to me. 308 00:21:04,771 --> 00:21:07,491 I think this is the greatest moment of my life. 309 00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:08,521 Me too. 310 00:21:08,572 --> 00:21:09,972 Big bras! 311 00:21:16,054 --> 00:21:19,764 Dougal, Mrs Doyle, Father Jack... 312 00:21:19,815 --> 00:21:22,933 Why don't you wait in the café? I'll check us in. 313 00:21:22,976 --> 00:21:24,171 Which café? 314 00:21:24,217 --> 00:21:26,936 The one that isn't a tourist office. 315 00:21:26,977 --> 00:21:28,969 Ok, so. 316 00:21:37,060 --> 00:21:39,291 Flip. They're never going to serve us. 317 00:21:43,702 --> 00:21:47,093 - (Chuckling) So, you all set? - I am. 318 00:21:48,544 --> 00:21:51,742 Damn! I forgot to pack my swimming trunks. 319 00:21:51,785 --> 00:21:53,184 What for? 320 00:21:53,225 --> 00:21:57,777 Well, I don't want to go au naturel at the pool. 321 00:21:57,826 --> 00:22:02,902 See, I've... I've a bit of downy fluff around that bottom area. 322 00:22:02,948 --> 00:22:05,463 Oh, yeah, I heard about that. 323 00:22:07,189 --> 00:22:09,863 No, I meant what pool? You don't have a pool. 324 00:22:09,910 --> 00:22:12,425 No? Ok. 325 00:22:12,471 --> 00:22:16,590 - You'll have a basketball court. - Great. That'll keep me fit. 326 00:22:16,632 --> 00:22:21,707 The parish has tried to cool tensions between the gangs through sports. 327 00:22:22,753 --> 00:22:27,829 Stop you there a moment, Buzz. Did you say 'gangs'? What does that mean? 328 00:22:27,875 --> 00:22:31,152 Well, LA's gang problem is getting better now. 329 00:22:31,196 --> 00:22:35,076 Last year there were only 5,620 gang-related deaths. 330 00:22:35,117 --> 00:22:38,394 There's that word 'gangs' I asked you about. 331 00:22:38,438 --> 00:22:42,830 Also, I noticed that it was followed closely by the word 'deaths'. 332 00:22:42,879 --> 00:22:46,714 Yes. The good news is that drive-by shootings are down. 333 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,673 There I note the word 'shootings'. Buzz? 334 00:22:49,721 --> 00:22:51,314 - Yes? - I quit! 335 00:22:51,362 --> 00:22:53,671 I didn't know I was going to America 336 00:22:53,722 --> 00:22:56,795 to umpire drive-by shooting tournaments. 337 00:22:56,843 --> 00:22:59,642 - Stop the plane! - It hasn't started yet, Ted. 338 00:22:59,684 --> 00:23:02,677 Don't start the plane! I'm getting off! 339 00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:19,527 Ted, is that you? 340 00:23:20,650 --> 00:23:23,290 Yes, it's me. 341 00:23:23,331 --> 00:23:26,210 Listen Dougal, I've been thinking about things 342 00:23:26,252 --> 00:23:30,485 and I think it would be better if I didn't go to America. 343 00:23:30,533 --> 00:23:34,812 I think we'd all be happiest where we belong, on Craggy Island. 344 00:23:34,854 --> 00:23:38,165 Fair enough, Ted. I didn't really want to go anyway. 345 00:23:41,456 --> 00:23:44,017 Oh, Father, you're back. What's going on? 346 00:23:44,057 --> 00:23:47,289 Ted decided it would be better if we didn't go. 347 00:23:47,338 --> 00:23:49,613 Really? He's probably right. 348 00:23:51,259 --> 00:23:52,658 Feck! 349 00:23:52,699 --> 00:23:55,373 Come on, we'll go home and get you a drink. 350 00:23:55,420 --> 00:23:58,140 - Drink! - I thought you really wanted to go. 351 00:23:58,181 --> 00:24:01,492 Yes, I thought I'd be a bit more disappointed, 352 00:24:01,542 --> 00:24:04,296 but now I realise I didn't want to go anyway. 353 00:24:04,343 --> 00:24:09,862 Besides, I don't think I can go. I haven't told my sister about it. 354 00:24:09,904 --> 00:24:12,100 Come on, Ted. Let's go. 355 00:24:13,585 --> 00:24:17,340 Ah, yeah, you're here to stay, with me, Mrs Doyle and Father Jack, 356 00:24:17,386 --> 00:24:23,224 for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... 357 00:25:08,601 --> 00:25:11,639 - Down with this sort of thing. - Careful now. 358 00:25:15,283 --> 00:25:17,400 - Night, Dougal. - Night, Ted. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net