1 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,472 Now look, Squeaky, I've told you before, 2 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:34,712 balloon bending is no longer a saleable commodity. 3 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,756 The public want sex. 4 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,076 Squeaky, two round balloons and one long thin one 5 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:45,549 does not constitute sex. 6 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,029 Now Squeaky, do yourself a favour, 7 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,634 cut your losses, kill yourself. 8 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,599 Sorry, Mr Filthy, but I've got to get my bits of whatnot. 9 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,309 Give and take. That's what sharing an office is all about. 10 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,439 Mr Filthy, about my etchings. Now, you did say... 11 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,432 Look, daughter, I am a dying man. 12 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,318 I may not live through this fag. 13 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:13,030 I am not an art dealer and if I was, the art in which I dealt 14 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:18,194 would not be the gumption-covered eyesores you produce in your tea break. 15 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:19,952 Oh! 16 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,508 Now that young lass of yours, that Cindy, 17 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,556 now she is a work of art. 18 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,359 If she ever fancied any lunchtime peeling, 19 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,431 I could get her a fiver a flash. 20 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,590 Over my dead body, Mr Filthy! 21 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:35,036 Yeah, you're right, that could be a super little act. 22 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:38,078 Yeah, très kinko. 23 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,595 Get that for me, would you, dearie? 24 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,955 My quack's told me to take it easy. 25 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,988 Hello, Ralph Filthy, media co-ordin... 26 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,755 Get your mop out of my pending file, you silly old tart. 27 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,469 Hello, yes. Yes, now who did you want to speak to? 28 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,073 Yeah. 29 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,550 Richie Rich? You've got a job for him? 30 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,596 Oh, erm, yeah, yeah. 31 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,636 Erm, yes. Erm... 32 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,234 Celebrity Slaughterhouse Closing? 33 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,276 Yeah, very nice. Very nice. 34 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,193 Now look, I can't do it for any less than 20 quid. 35 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,236 All right, 10. Done. 36 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,834 When do you want him? When do you want him? 37 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,797 Now? 38 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,552 Would you believe it? 39 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:28,634 Today is the only day of the decade that he is actually working. 40 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:30,870 Yeah, I know it sounds impossible 41 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,359 but he's at the BBC on... 42 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,919 Right, my lovelies, it's on air in two minutes 43 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,356 so if you could cut the chatter for the camera line-ups? 44 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,238 Yes, of course, I've known Tarby for years. 45 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,754 We've often performed in the same pants. 46 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,636 Panto, love. Pantomimes. Ooh, we've done a few. 47 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:56,474 Oh, Cinders, Aladders, Dickers Whitters. 48 00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:00,314 That was terrif. My Dick was fantastic. 49 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,197 That's an old showbiz joke. 50 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,714 Julian! We're two minutes to air. 51 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,270 Who the hell's the ugly bastard doing all the jabbering? 52 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:12,069 Name's Richie Rich. Last-minute replacement celebrity. 53 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,799 Bernie Winters got a bog roll ad and ditched. 54 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:18,111 Well, you tell him, if he doesn't button his scabby lip 55 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:22,079 I'll get makeup to castrate the bastard with eyebrow tweezers. 56 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,673 He's got a teeny... 57 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,433 Teeny weeny bit less talking, Trevor says. 58 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,478 I bet Trevor put it a bit stronger than that, eh? 59 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:33,599 Hello, Trevor, all right? Let's make movies, you old twig. 60 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,752 Sit on him! Sack him! Sack his people! 61 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,478 Bankrupt his company... 62 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,916 All right, we're rolling. So take it from the top. 63 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,436 That means start at the beginning, everybody, all right? 64 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,476 Oh, how I love the business! 65 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,471 Shut him up! 66 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,189 All right, everybody, we're going to have lots of fun 67 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,477 so don't forget your laugh and applause cues and... 68 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,713 Here we go. 69 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:05,828 'Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tuesday, 6:30, and time for... 70 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,236 'The game for all the family. 71 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,790 'Here's your host, everyone's favourite mirth maker, 72 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,836 'Ivor Whopper! ' 73 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,038 Thank you. Thank you for giving me the clap. 74 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,350 Ah-ha-ha-ha! 75 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,000 And welcome one and... 76 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,992 Welcome all! Welcome all! 77 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,789 ...to another addition of Ooer Sounds A Bit Rude, 78 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,836 the game for all the family. 79 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,879 And as always, we have our usual motley collection 80 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,916 of the dregs of society. 81 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,389 Ooh! Ha-ha-ha! 82 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,916 Plus of course - the only sane one amongst us - 83 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,594 our member of the great British public. 84 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:57,390 Close-up on the pleb. I said close-up, not right up her nose! 85 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,870 Camera five, take a good look at the job centre. 86 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,354 So, you are Mrs Ruth Butcher? 87 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,158 Close-up Ivor for the big gag. 88 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,516 Let's hope you get some really meaty questions then! 89 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,512 Brilliant! Hit laughter. 90 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,433 Follow it across to the has-beens, my darlings. 91 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,715 Wide shot on celebs. 92 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,075 Great gag, Ivor! Meaty, brilliant! 93 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:25,073 I know a good gag. There were two crocodiles... Well, nuns... 94 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,958 Julian, tell that imbecile to stick to the script! 95 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,156 I can't get to him, he's in shot! 96 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,231 Close-up on Ivor! 97 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,959 The rules of the game, 98 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,794 like the members of the panel - are very simple indeed. 99 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,077 I read out the sentence which sounds a bit rude 100 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:45,038 then my good friends here have to laugh dirtily 101 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:48,112 but then have to come up with a clean version. 102 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:49,838 For example, 103 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:53,230 "I never impress the girls because I've only got a tiny... " 104 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,276 Oh! Penis! 105 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,072 Of course the answer is car. 106 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,639 Ooh-hoo-hoo! 107 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,915 Let's meet my good friends here, 108 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,959 these bunch of down-and-outs who are gonna try and help Ruth win. 109 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,473 Good luck to her. 110 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,358 Good luck to her! Good gag, Ivor! 111 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,670 Juliannn! 112 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,716 Shut that gormless git up! 113 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,519 No unscripted spontaneity! 114 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,875 And now then, who have we here? 115 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:26,715 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Billy Glitter and Huggles the Ostrich. 116 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,631 Close-up Billy and Huggles. 117 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,109 Cue music and Billy and Huggles laugh. 118 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,158 I'm so sad. My girlfriend's left me. 119 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,037 What happened? 120 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,908 - She's given me the bird. - Audience laughing. 121 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,117 Not the first time you've been stuck in a bird's gob, eh, Ivor? 122 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,988 What is he saying? That's not in the script! Back to Ivor! 123 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,789 Oh, my God, he's completely lost! 124 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,156 Coo-ee! Hello. 125 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,118 Oh, Molly, nice to see you again! 126 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,873 - Ha-ha-ha! - Ooh. 127 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,793 I bet Bill's ostrich isn't as well behaved as my pussy. 128 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,792 Ivor, bring this show round, for God's sake! 129 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,632 Ladies and gentlemen, 130 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,030 everybody's favourite mother-in-law, Molly Slocombe! 131 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,116 Oh, you're so lovely. 132 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,668 I'd like to show you all me pussy. 133 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,114 In fact, I can't think of anything nicer 134 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,668 than having you all stroking me pussy. 135 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:30,070 Don't milk it. That's the third time you've done that gag. 136 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,994 And you used to do it in every ep of that appalling sitcom. 137 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,071 What's going on down there? 138 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,879 Now then, here we have a gay young fellow. 139 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,793 Heh-heh. John, how are you feeling today? 140 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,916 I'm feeling a little queer. 141 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,956 Oh, my favourite gag, my darling! 142 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,191 My favourite gag. He's such a professional. 143 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:54,308 Nice gag! I'll keep my bottom firmly on the seat when I'm anywhere near you! 144 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,198 Cut away! Cut away! What is he saying? 145 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,033 Don't you dare tread on one of my laughs again! 146 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,236 Shut your face, you little poof. 147 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,953 A lively bunch we have in here tonight! 148 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,513 Now, Cindy, lovely to see both of you here this evening. 149 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,353 I always like to keep abreast of what you're up to, Ivor. 150 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,510 Good, we're back on script, darlings. 151 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:24,195 Yes, she has got big tits, but I've got a whopping great talent! 152 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:28,876 I'm Richie Rich and I'm available panto or summer season for the rest of my life! 153 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,315 These two blokes go into a brothel... 154 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,197 Support Dr Barnardo's! 155 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,077 I've got big mammaries. 156 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,515 I'm homosexual. Isn't it hilarious? 157 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,909 When I say me pussy, I really mean me... 158 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,228 Get back! Back! 159 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:43,149 - Eddie. - Richie. 160 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:44,673 - Eddie! - Richie! 161 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,432 - Eddie! - What? 162 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,556 Hello, barman. Give me a drink! 163 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,156 What did you think about my show? 164 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,549 It was stupendously bad! 165 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,598 Thank you! Julian, you look like you've seen a ghost! 166 00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:01,036 Double Scotch for him. How do you think the show went? 167 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,873 - I just lost me job! - Sorry to hear that. 168 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,110 I'll try and talk to someone up top. 169 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,873 How about my performance? Wasn't it special? 170 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,875 You bastard! 171 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,598 Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh! 172 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,719 If anyone else wants to throw their drink around, do it on me! 173 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,796 Hi, you lot! 174 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,431 Ah-ha-ha-ha! Massive drinks for this table. 175 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,512 You're a lot of long faces. It went wonderfully! 176 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,556 Mind if I join you? 177 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,358 Er... Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! 178 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,910 No, but gagging aside, it was a super show I thought. 179 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,116 - Here you are! - Drinks all round. 180 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,519 Look! 181 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,076 Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. 182 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,550 This is an initiation ceremony. 183 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,154 I'm now a Sunshine Variety golfing rat. 184 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,117 £15.40, please? 185 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,668 Certainly, barman. £15.40? 186 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,591 I don't suppose you... 187 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,636 Eddie, Eddie, cash, cash. 188 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,269 This is disgusting! An entire tray of good pop wasted! 189 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,715 It's no wonder the BBC costs so much! 190 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,995 I'm glad I don't pay my licence...! 191 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,958 Right. I'm just off to see if I can get a snog with Val Singleton. 192 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,791 They didn't give me a dressing room, those BBC bastards! 193 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,235 I had to put on my jacket in the lavs. 194 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,357 Oh, God, I'm disgraced. I can't pay for my round. 195 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,795 I'll never be able to hold my head up... 196 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,753 No, no. Get thee behind me, Satan. I mustn't. I can't. I... 197 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,513 Oh, my God, I have. 198 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,194 Oh! Oh! 199 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:54,718 The Nolan Sisters, my all-time favourite four-tissue fantasy. 200 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,678 Oh! Oh! 201 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,876 Mm. Mm. 202 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:10,755 They wouldn't mind. They probably fancy me more than I fancy them! 203 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,516 Ooh! 204 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,434 I'm in the mood for dancing 205 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,195 Romancing, I'm giving it all tonight 206 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,949 They're in the mood for Richie 207 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,792 Who's not titchy 208 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,917 But particularly well-endowed 209 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,070 Oooh! 210 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,628 The Nolans' shower. 211 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,518 Wait till I tell them this at the fan club meeting. 212 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,876 Do you think I'm sexy? Yes, we think you're sexy 213 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,236 Sexy, wexy, bexy, wexy, sexy, bex... 214 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,356 What do you think you're doing? 215 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,034 Hi! You took your time. Strip off. Come in. 216 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,680 The water's lovely and so am I. 217 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,553 Er... 218 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,313 Oh, good, the shower's fixed now. 219 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,871 Any more problems, call Transvestite Plumbers and we'll be straight round. 220 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,714 - Just who the hell are you? - He's ruined our costume. 221 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,156 - Let's call the police. - No, no, no, don't do that! 222 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,390 No, it was... It was just a prank. 223 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:30,758 You know us immense celebrities, jolly senses of humour. 224 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,276 - Immense celebrity, eh? - If so, you must be rich. 225 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,316 Yep, rich and sexy! 226 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,356 Snap away, girls! 227 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,954 I can never resist a camera. 228 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,793 If you're so rich and you want this film back, 229 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:47,111 get us a thousand quid by Friday or your career's over. 230 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,838 - Right, girls? - Right. 231 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,558 Or we sell the pic to the papes 232 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,791 and shop you to the police for nicking our gear. 233 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,110 Now get lost while we do our song. 234 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,031 Yeah. 235 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:02,079 Ready? Two, three, four... 236 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,559 Hang on! 237 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,995 You're not going to sing, are you? 238 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,595 Of course. Why else would we agree to be in this old crap? 239 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,150 The Nolan Sisters talking dirty. Wait till I tell the chaps. 240 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,312 - Go away while we sing. - We don't want you to. 241 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:20,518 We only got you because you used to wear those tight disco pants. 242 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:24,229 And now you're blackmailing me, I have to get on with the plot. 243 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,959 Thank God someone's being professional around here! 244 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,672 God, that Valerie Singleton doesn't half go. 245 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,751 Well, she can run a lot faster than me, anyway! 246 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,638 Right, now I need a drink! 247 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,676 Ha-ha-ha! 248 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:51,349 Aah! Right! What shall I have for my supper tonight? 249 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:53,919 Bugger-all... 250 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,639 or sweet FA? 251 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,280 I could go mad and have both. 252 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,272 The final humiliation! 253 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,471 Lower than this I cannot sink. 254 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,838 Lest fate pulls out its finger pretty sharpish, 255 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:15,675 your old mate'll be climbing the stairway to heaven before eventide. 256 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,990 - Who's that then? - What? 257 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,230 Who's this old friend of mine? 258 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,073 Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. 259 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:26,789 - You'll be the death of me. - Well, I certainly hope so. 260 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,836 I'm in terrible troub. 261 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,196 - Deep, humiliating troub. - Troub. 262 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,158 I'm being blackmailed by the Nolan Sisters. 263 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,276 Blimey! That is embarrassing. 264 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,955 If it gets in the papes you're being stitched up by the Noles 265 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,315 - you'll be a laughing stock. - I know. 266 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,870 - Still, there's a bright side. - Which is? 267 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,235 It'll be the first laughs you've ever got. 268 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,470 I do a lot of smile humour, Eddie, 269 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,551 people aren't supposed to laugh. 270 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,552 Neither are they meant to throw things and chant, 271 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,950 "Get off! We've heard better jokes on the speaking clock. " 272 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,996 I take risks on stage, Edward! 273 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,594 I create, I... improvise! 274 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,638 There may occasionally be slight unpleasantness... 275 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,631 Yes, it's called your act! 276 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,871 I'm storing this up, all of it! 277 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,839 And one day, Edward Catflap, out of the blue, completely by surprise, 278 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,876 you're going to die. 279 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,635 Everyone'll think it's an accident 280 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,792 except me and the strange figure with the chain saw. 281 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,958 Oh! Oh, er... Ah-ha-ha-ha. 282 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,951 Right. Now, where were we? 283 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,076 We were here. We haven't moved. 284 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,276 Nice gag! 285 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,750 Let's have supper and decide how to deal with the Noles. 286 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,310 We can't have supper! We're broke and there's no food. 287 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,755 We're broke and there's no food? 288 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,832 - Shall I go for the echo gag? - No! There's no time. 289 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,876 What will we do about those Noles? 290 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,520 I could've done it by the time you said that! 291 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,556 - OK, then, bloody do it! - Right. 292 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,596 Coo, this room's got an echo! 293 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,317 I don't think Little and Large have a lot to worry about. 294 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,311 I'm hungry! 295 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,391 - Have you had the ketchup? - Er... No. 296 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,436 Look, we've got two problems. 297 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,717 No food and the Nolans. What are we going to do? 298 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,394 - Eat the Nolans! - We can't! 299 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,391 It'd be showbiz suicide. 300 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,677 And you start something like that, you have to finish it. 301 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,513 There's only four of 'em and I'm starving. 302 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,511 No, that's not what I mean. 303 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,875 If we eat them, where will it all end? 304 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,871 We eat them, Bucks Fizz eat us. 305 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,394 Yes. Brotherhood Of Man eats Bucks Fizz. 306 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,835 Jimmy Osmond eats Brotherhood Of Man. 307 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,797 And before you know it, 308 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,156 there'll just be one huge middle-of-the-road singer left. 309 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,038 And Demis Roussos will be back at number one. 310 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,111 It just doesn't bear thinking about. 311 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,351 I've got it! We shall have to think of something else! 312 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,590 Brilliant! 313 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,272 Oh dear, oh dear. 314 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,551 'Allo, boys! 315 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,710 Anybody got a fag? 316 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,270 Don't worry - I'll smoke my own! 317 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,352 You, Filthy? Smoke your own fags? Are you ill? 318 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:11,954 I'm always ill, Eddie, you know that. 319 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:16,318 No, I have just made... a thousand quid. 320 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,032 With any luck I shall die before I can spend it all, 321 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,680 which means I need never be poor again. 322 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,558 You? A thousand quid? I don't understand. 323 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,474 It's just like one quid, Richie, only there's more of them. 324 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:37,155 Try to think of it as like... a thousand quid. 325 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:41,472 Wow! That's like 2,000 appearances on Blankety Blank! 326 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,994 Interesting bit of business, really. 327 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,993 This mad old bag who cleans my office splats the odd canvas, 328 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,834 so I trolled up to Hampstead and bunged one up on a railing 329 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:57,040 and sold it to this old git who thought she was famous for a thousand quid. 330 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,078 Pull the other one, Filthy, it's got balls on. 331 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,037 Bells, Eddie. Bells on. 332 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,156 Mine's got balls on, mate. 333 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,710 If yours has got bells on I suggest you seek a doctor out! 334 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,998 You mean the mistaken snob value made the painting valuable? 335 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,275 - Exactly. - Hmm! 336 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,557 'Allo. Nasty John's Cock and Dog Fights? 337 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,517 Yes, I can hold. 338 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:25,038 Richie, a thousand quid is exactly what you owe the Noles. 339 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,031 I know. 340 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,471 'Allo, Nasty John. 341 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,189 I hear you're putting up a bunch of myxomatosed rabbits 342 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,589 against a three-legged cat. 343 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,636 A fiver on the moggy. 344 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,917 No-a fiver on each goolie. 345 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,911 - Richie... - Yes? 346 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,993 I said a thousand quid is exactly what you owe the Noles! 347 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,036 I know! 348 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,634 I told you that in the first place! 349 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:58,157 Have you got any children fighting today? 350 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,471 - Ooh! Eddie! Lock the door! - Right! 351 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,115 Right, Filthy, hand over the cash 352 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,749 or you'll be pushing up daisies in a concrete overcoat 353 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:13,470 dumped in the canal... getting carried out of here in a box. 354 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,836 - Are you threatening me? - Just give me the cash 355 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,639 or so help me I'll swing for you! I'm desperate! 356 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:24,077 Richie, please don't shout, your mother's got very sensitive ears, 357 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,879 they bleed when people ask me for money. 358 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,076 Filthy, just hand over the cash! 359 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,470 Richie's being blackmailed by the Nolan Sisters! 360 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,915 He'll be shamed and humiliated! 361 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,956 So what's new? 362 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,554 That's a point, Richie. What is new? 363 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:44,395 Enormous Derek? Yeah, Ralph Filthy here. Help. 364 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,836 Aha! Trying to call for help, eh? Right! 365 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:54,989 Yeah, two close and bona eeks of my acquaintance are trying to rob me. 366 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,672 Ha ha! 367 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,637 Yeah. So get your chain saw 368 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,156 and come down to 33 Acacia Cul-De-Sac, would you? 369 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,356 By a process of elimination... 370 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,559 Right, yeah. Have you got all that then? Right. Ta-ta. 371 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,676 There you are, Eddie. 372 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,716 Ahem. 373 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,991 Oh, damn. 374 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,594 Well done, Eddie! When we need quick action, 375 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,240 we can always rely on you to destroy the house. 376 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,072 Thank you very much. 377 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,795 I know! Let's kill him! Brilliant! 378 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:41,519 No, no, no. Richie, Richie, darling, you've got it all wrong. 379 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,512 The agent is supposed to rob the client. 380 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,989 Please don't flaunt tradition. 381 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,551 Remember Bulgy "No, Madam, It's Not A Third Leg" McBulgy? 382 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,916 I represented him for years. 383 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,993 I caught him watering my whisky once - he never worked again. 384 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,311 He never worked before, he was worse than Richie. 385 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,311 He wasn't that bad. 386 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:11,077 No, the point is I hate people watering my whisky and I never forgive. 387 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,628 I hate people peeing in my booze. 388 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,393 Yeah. But you still drank it, didn't you? 389 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,436 That's not the point, Edward. 390 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,556 - Come on, kill him! - All right. 391 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,596 Goodbye, Filthy Ralph. 392 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,389 Oh, how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is 393 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,677 to have an ungrateful client. 394 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,394 Why do you think I came over here, 395 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:41,235 Richie darling, if not to share with you my good fortune? 396 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,914 - What's mine is yours. - Ahh... 397 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,514 Watch out, Richie, he's got syphilis. 398 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,236 Come on, close your eyes and open your hands. 399 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,390 Ahh! 400 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,119 Oh, what fun! I remember this from school. 401 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,033 - My friend said, "Feel this. " - Steady on! 402 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,511 He's trying to escape. Stop him! 403 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,432 No, open your eyes first! 404 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,158 Good idea! 405 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,676 Have we given up the chase idea? 406 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,796 No, we're just having a rest. 407 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,557 I'm going in! 408 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:38,118 Flush the lav! Lt'll be worth a grand to see Eddie go down the toilet! 409 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,156 No, no, we need the cash! 410 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:44,358 I'll tell you something, I'm never lending him my comb again. 411 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,915 I regret to say I could not see it. 412 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,152 Phew! That pipe whiffs like nobody's business! 413 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:57,199 Richie, it's a sewer, it whiffs like everybody's business. 414 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,995 Well, I suppose it was inevitable 415 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:07,631 if I acquired a bijou pile of rhino it couldn't last. 416 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,632 I could have wished it a more dignified end. 417 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,756 Anybody got anything to drink? 418 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,957 Filthy, this is not the attitude that wins! 419 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,794 When Mike Winters left Bernie did Bernie sit on the lavatory? 420 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,953 No, he got a dog called Schnorbitz and a legend was born. 421 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:25,996 It's not my problem, Richie. 422 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,992 I've already alerted Enormous Derek. 423 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:33,790 I've activated a highly-trained professional killer. 424 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,999 Or, I've phoned a big bastard with no brain 425 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,709 who dresses in women's underwear and I've got the photos. 426 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:47,272 So unless you and Eddie pay me my thousand pounds back tonight 427 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,999 it's roller blinds for the both of you! 428 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:53,595 - Eh? - Roller blinds? 429 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,591 Oh, sorry. Curtains. 430 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,671 Oh. Curtains. 431 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,116 What are we gonna do?! Shove over, old friend! 432 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:06,399 Filthy made that thousand quid out of that strange painting episode. 433 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,675 - Of course! - Yes. 434 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,830 Aha-ha... 435 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,992 Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Eddie? 436 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:18,551 We're going to make you into an artist, so get out your easel! 437 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,473 - Oo-er! - I'm not going to rise to it. 438 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,358 - Come, we repair to Hampstead! - Right. 439 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,998 Extra, extra! 440 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,355 I'm an extra! 441 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,352 Come on, get your paintings here! 442 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,237 Well, have you sold any yet? 443 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,551 Hundreds, I'm sure. I've sung your praises all over Hampstead. 444 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,393 - How many have you sold? - Um... 445 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,038 None! 446 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:46,955 But I have high hopes for my new piece, entitled simply "Wall"! 447 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:52,558 Until now I was blind, at last I behold life as it really is! 448 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,517 Oh, God, fans. It's a bore, I know, 449 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,956 but I do always say, without fans even I would be nowhere. 450 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,270 Tarby feels the same and Kenny Lynch. 451 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:03,238 Bobby Davro said the same. I said, "You are nowhere. " 452 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,276 Away, imbecile! 453 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,796 Oh, my God, a psycho fan! John Lennon syndrome! 454 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,350 Peasant, this is the art critic Alphonse P'Farty. 455 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:16,149 Perhaps something in this horrific collage of mental vomit 456 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,992 has moved his soul. 457 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,514 Personally it moves only my bowels. 458 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,637 Who is Edwardo Catflappo? 459 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,439 Who wants to know, fatso? 460 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,439 - Ahh! - Ahh! 461 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,431 - Rahh! - Rarr! 462 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,432 - Rarr! - Raagh! 463 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,956 - Ohhh, such strength! - Aaah! 464 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,508 Such anger! 465 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,353 My friend, you are a genius! 466 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,877 Oo-er! 467 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,714 - I intend to exhibit your vork. - Beg your pardon? 468 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:53,995 I intend to exhibit your work. 469 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,230 Zoon you vill be famous. 470 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,198 - And rich. - Great! How about an advance? 471 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,352 But of course, of course! Take, take. 472 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,113 Give, give, give. 473 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:09,671 In return, perhaps I might choose that one. 474 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,230 That's not actually a painting, that's my lunch. 475 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,197 It disagreed with me. 476 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,840 But you can have it for a thousand quid. 477 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,639 Magnificent! Have it scraped up for me 478 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,995 while I telephone the Gwardian. 479 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,196 Come, Alphonse! 480 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,874 It worked. It bloody worked! 481 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,996 Come on, let's go and celebrate! 482 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:33,672 Raaaaah! 483 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:35,398 Hello! 484 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,756 It's all right, we've got money! 485 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,991 So this is what a restaurant looks like? 486 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,596 Mm! Fantastic! Try some of this, Richie! 487 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,637 Fantastic! I'll have five! 488 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,676 Okey-dokey, skip! 489 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:57,630 Ah-ha-ha-haaa! 490 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:08,594 Waiter, come here quickly before I cause a scene! 491 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,399 Ah, good. Two slap-up grills, please. 492 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:16,634 Egg, saus, bac, black pud, bloater, onios, mushos, peasos, 493 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,631 chippos, buttered sliceos. 494 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:22,429 In short, two heart attacks and a coronary care unit, please. 495 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:26,593 And an Alka-Seltzer in an unfeasibly large brandy, please. 496 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,831 I'm afraid, sir, we don't do fry-ups. 497 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,798 Ooh! 498 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,394 Perhaps you'd like to see the menu? 499 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,311 Looks great. We'll have the lot. 500 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,996 Well, me proud beauty, we're going to have a classic nosh up! 501 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,072 Could I have your autograph, please? 502 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:49,790 Oh, more fans! Still, if I'm not used to it now. What name is it? 503 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,713 I heard Mr P'Farty talking about your work. 504 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,109 I've never met a celebrity before. 505 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:56,952 Uh-huh-huh-huh! 506 00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:00,589 I agreed with every word - such passion, such fire! 507 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:04,229 If you want some fiery passion, baby, you only have to ask! 508 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:08,836 Er, God bless, look after mum, oo-er, sounds a bit rude! 509 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,957 She hasn't recognised you, have you, darling? 510 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,156 No. Who is he? 511 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:18,597 Ah-ha-ha. What do you mean? What an interesting tablecloth. 512 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:21,114 - There you go, baby. - Oh, thank you! 513 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:40,634 Your meals come to £250 each. Payment in advance. 514 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,474 Of course. There's mine, but I'm not paying for his. 515 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,677 You pay for my tea this instant, Mr Edward Catflap! 516 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,433 No, you've pushed me around long enough! 517 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,318 I've been scorned and ordered about! 518 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,789 "Do this, Eddie! Do that, Eddie!" 519 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:57,791 But you never did anything! 520 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:02,715 I wanted to be someone! I could've been a contender. 521 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:07,271 But you were always out there in front, pushing, barging, farting! 522 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,875 See who's wearing the farting trousers now! 523 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:14,475 So up yours! I'm not paying for your tuck! 524 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:17,120 Have you no honour? 525 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,715 - No integrity? - That's a bloody stupid question. 526 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,234 Yes, I suppose so, yes. 527 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,788 - Oh! - Oh, thank you, garçon! 528 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,917 Get off and get out! 529 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,515 I hope you've got change for 30 pieces of silver, Judas. 530 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:34,636 See you at my first exhibition! 531 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:38,110 - This joke won't get that far! - The show's not that bad. 532 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:39,952 Ha! 533 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:48,750 Welcome! It gives me enorrrmous pleasure to sit on bath taps. 534 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:50,558 No... 535 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,359 Ha. Ha. Ha. 536 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:57,638 It gives me, of course, enormous pleasure to open this exhibition. 537 00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:02,077 There comes to us occasionally of a time, yes, 538 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,879 a force, a gift from God. 539 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,520 A gift of fire and passion. 540 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,876 Such a gift is Edwardo Catflappo. 541 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:14,791 Hello! 542 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:18,668 Everythink he produces is a work of art. 543 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,991 Quite bloody right! 544 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:27,438 That was my latest effort, it's called "Belching In An Art Gallery". 545 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:29,590 OK, who wants to buy it? 546 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:35,391 Of course! Flatulence, the only truly disposable art form! 547 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:37,471 - I bid... - 250! 548 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:40,028 Oh, come on, I was about to bid then! 549 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:42,554 - My bid stands! - Oh! 550 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,596 Look, look, I'll settle this. 551 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,630 There you are, one each. Leave the cash at the door. 552 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,438 OK, Poo Farty, the... 553 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,590 No, P'Farty. 554 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:57,830 Poo Farty, OK. Poo Farty. 555 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,992 The exhibition's open today. I'm going to the pub. 556 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:04,436 If anybody wants to pay to see me do it you're welcome. 557 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:06,954 Thank you and good night! 558 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:14,910 Well, my friend, it pains me to say it but you have won. 559 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:18,549 I am consumed with discontent, consumed, I tell you. 560 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:22,838 Despite our wager it was my hope that I would be proved wrong. 561 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,992 Alas, I overestimated the art establishment. 562 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:28,116 They will follow any fashion. 563 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,749 We bet that you could find the most gross, talentless, 564 00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:35,753 oikish, tosspot of a painter, a world-class head of a dick, 565 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:40,470 and with your influence, make the public think him an exciting artist. 566 00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:44,189 Mm. And to my shame and disappointment, I have done so. 567 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:48,398 You owe me 20,000 of your English poundies. 568 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:51,470 Here are the English poundies. 569 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:53,516 So that's your little game! 570 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,477 And guess who heard it all?! 571 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,073 Who? 572 00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:59,071 Me! Richie bloody Rich! 573 00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:01,628 The price of my silence is that 20,000- 574 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,551 and you ending this charade 575 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:07,155 that's making my minder more famous than me! 576 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:09,435 Huh. Here you are. Come, N'Bend. 577 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:11,397 "Nob-end"? 578 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:13,232 My card. 579 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,470 Alphonse Nob End? 580 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,438 Nob End and Poo Farty. What a script. Get out. 581 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,239 Let's go to some situation comedy 582 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:24,278 where they will appreciate our lavatorial banter. 583 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,193 20 thou and a difficult plot tied up into the bargain. 584 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:31,512 You never thought we'd do it in half an hour but we did, just by being stupid. 585 00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:34,831 - Come to see my exhibish? - No, I've come to close it. 586 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:38,515 You've been the ignorant dupe of two arrogant ponces. 587 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:42,434 I thought it was strange. I just sold my pants for 500 quid. 588 00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:44,272 Heh-heh-heh-heh! 589 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:47,557 I've just ended your career for 20 thou. 590 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:51,872 After I've paid off the Noles and Filthy it comes to 18 thou, 591 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:54,394 of which you won't be getting any. 592 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:56,948 Enormous Derek. 593 00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,429 Have a thousand pounds. 594 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,152 - Right, let's pay off the Nolans. - No need to do that, 595 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,232 I've paid them off with my burp and pants money. 596 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:11,472 Forgive me, Edward, but it would seem a bit out of character 597 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:13,915 for you to perform an act of kindness. 598 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:18,232 Well, I haven't really performed an act of kindness 599 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,437 because I still have the incriminating film! 600 00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:29,315 Er, so I'll just take my 18 grand and we'll celebrate, shall we? 601 00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,790 Richie, carry me back to the flat. And no farting! 602 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:36,475 We're gonna have the most disgusting, debauched... 603 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,597 ...party! - OK, girls, do it now! 604 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:45,438 Ooh, ooh, ooh 605 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:47,954 Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh 606 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,635 I'm in the mood for dancing 607 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:53,438 Romancing 608 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:56,478 Ooh, I'm giving it all tonight 609 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,791 I'm in the mood for chancing 610 00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:01,836 I feel like dancing 611 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:04,718 Ooh, so come on and hold me tight 612 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,109 Dancing Dancing 613 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:08,838 I'm in the mood, babe 614 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:12,276 Ooh So let the music play 615 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,158 Ooh, I'm dancing Dancing 616 00:34:15,240 --> 00:34:16,912 I'm in the groove, babe 617 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:20,993 So get on up and let your body sway 618 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,119 Ooh, I'm in the mood for dancing 619 00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:26,713 Romancing 620 00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,553 You know I should never stop tonight 621 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:33,872 I'm in the mood, I'm in the mood 622 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,952 I'm in the mood to dance Ooh, ooh, ooh 623 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:38,917 Yeah, let's dance Ooh, ooh, ooh 624 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:41,673 Come on and dance Ooh, ooh, ooh 625 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:45,150 I'm in the mood, so baby, dance 626 00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:47,276 Yeah, let's dance Ooh, ooh, ooh 627 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,079 Come on and dance Ooh, ooh, ooh 628 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:53,072 I'm in the mood to take a chance 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net