1 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,276 Eurgh. 2 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,193 Let me see, let me see. 3 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,670 Ah, the groaning board, the teeming table, 4 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,718 the endless variety of God's bounty. 5 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,110 Cheffing is a truly perfect art, 6 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,794 far above mere painting or sculpture. 7 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,758 You can't eat a sheet of canvas or a lump of rock. 8 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:55,879 I don't know. You could if you were drunk and had enough ketchup. 9 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,315 - Morning, Richie. - Do my senses deceive me? 10 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:01,233 Has Eddie Catflap emerged from the arms of Morpheus 11 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,470 or perhaps an elephant has blown off? 12 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,677 No. Right first time. It is I, smelly Eddie. 13 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,591 To whiff him is to love him. 14 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,240 Ready for anything, as long as it's alcoholic. 15 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:14,039 - Morning, Richie. - Where's my shopping list? 16 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,918 Gas mask. 17 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,312 Now then, shall we have seven courses or eight? 18 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,197 Don't want do look ostentatious. 19 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,475 But don't want to look like a bloody pauper. 20 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,278 Better make it 12. 21 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,557 We could be like the Romans and throw up between courses. 22 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,473 Why should they get the credit for that idea? 23 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,516 I've been doing it for years. 24 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,909 Morning, Richie. 25 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,991 Twelve gas masks, 26 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,640 clothes peg for nose, smelling salts 27 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:46,076 and a ticket to Australia to get away from Eddie's whiff. 28 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,549 - I said, morning, Richie! - Ah! 29 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,632 I got you, then, didn't I? I got you. 30 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,359 Morning, Eddie. I trust you slept well? 31 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,874 Fantastic. A truly great sleep. 32 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,871 On the scale of one to five - 33 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,999 5,429,562. 34 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,436 Sleeping face down in the toilet is conducive to restful slumber? 35 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,990 And why shouldn't I sleep in the lavatory? You wet the bed. 36 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:18,550 Once. I had a nightmare that I was ordinary and untalented 37 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,790 and there was a momentary aberration. 38 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,269 It's a sign of an extra-vivid subconscious. 39 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,238 It's a sign of an extra-drippy tiddler. 40 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,437 Eddie, I was having a nightmare that I was a pleb. 41 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,476 It was a horrifying experience. 42 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,357 I remember the night so well. 43 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,796 I awoke to hear Richie screaming into the middle of the night. 44 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,350 "Ah. " His heart-rending sobs echoing round the house. 45 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,829 Why, you wept like a soul in torment. 46 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:46,469 I rushed in to find poor, frightened Richie 47 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,791 shivering, terrified, white, sitting in a puddle. 48 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,952 - Yes, and what did you do? - I don't remember. 49 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,077 You switched on my electric blanket. 50 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,355 Only to take your mind off the nightmare. 51 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,352 You completely electrocuted my love truncheon. 52 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,396 Love truncheon? 53 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,278 Love pencil, more like. Well, love pin, actually. 54 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,396 Eddie, what's this? 55 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,832 - I don't know. - It's one of my scary looks. 56 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:17,434 Is it really? 57 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,035 My intimidating frown. So you just watch out. 58 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,395 Has the hair grown back yet? 59 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,552 Your love blobs looked like Yul Brynner snogging Kojak. 60 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:31,395 I'm not prepared to rise to it. Your spite and venom offends me not. 61 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,796 - Baldy blobs. - Right, that's it. 62 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,599 That is it. I hope you've got a good lawyer, 63 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,672 because I am suing and you're going to prison forever. 64 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,116 Hello, Filthy? Yeah, it's Richie here. I wanna sue Eddie. 65 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,350 Richie Rich. Your client. 66 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,796 I'm five foot ten, brown hair... Look, it's not important. 67 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:54,431 My minder, Edward, says that I've got bald love blobs and I want to sue. 68 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,398 Have I? Well, they're not so much bald as receding. 69 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,232 I'd put a wig on them for the trial. 70 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,231 Bloodsucker, what do I pay you for? 71 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,995 I know I don't, it was a rhetorical question. Goodbye forever! 72 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,871 He was furious. 73 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,430 But I persuaded him to give you a chance. 74 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,954 Shut up and tell me why you are wearing a hat 75 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,237 that makes you look like you've got a toilet roll on your head. 76 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:22,154 Because, Eddie, I have taken up the skillet and the frying pan. 77 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,995 I've been studying cookery all morning and I am now a master chef. 78 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:31,551 - That's why I'm wearing this great hat. - You look like a chicken drumstick. 79 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:35,235 Ha ha! Wrong again because, actually, I look great. 80 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,711 - We are having a dinner party. - Oh-hoo. 81 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,711 Eight for 8:30. 82 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,189 The food, the fine wine, the... 83 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,840 the little chocolatey, minty thingies. 84 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,435 - Who's coming? - Some close personal friends. 85 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:55,116 Oh, dear. The man from the dirty mag shop and wino Bill. Again. 86 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,636 You really are insanely jealous, aren't you, Edward? 87 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,679 I keep forgetting you're not in the biz, are you? 88 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:07,709 The huge galaxy of showbiz stars are all brothers and sisters to me. 89 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,758 Tarby, for instance, is bound to accept. 90 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:14,037 Especially after the brilliant invitations I sent out. 91 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,156 "The years and the tears. 92 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,994 "Celebrate Richie Rich's ten fabulous years of success. " 93 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,593 How sad. 94 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,114 From third dummy on Are You Being Served? 95 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,156 To his very own carpet ad. 96 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,755 I am not sitting at the same table as Tarby and that's that. 97 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:33,719 No, Eddie, no, no. We're talking about Jimmy Tarbuck. 98 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,191 The cheeky chap from the 'pool. 99 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,794 Everybody's pal. The gap-toothed Scouser 100 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,269 with a twinkle and a smile for every Englishman. 101 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,876 Look, if there's one thing I hate in British entertainment more than you, 102 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,554 it's that vast army of ex-stand-up comics 103 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,315 who did one half-funny gag on Sunday Night At The London Palladium 104 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,790 and have made a fortune doing game shows ever since. 105 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,678 "Oh, good evening, and your name is Cynthia 106 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,320 "and you'd like me to patronise and humiliate you 107 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,119 "on the off chance of winning a teasmade. " 108 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,955 Cheeky chappies? Complete and utter bastards, if you ask me. 109 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:13,396 Well, I don't think anyone will be asking you, will they? 110 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,630 Tarby is just a simple jester. 111 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,439 An honest broker from the bank of smiles. 112 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:22,798 I was only saying so to Marti Caine, before her last trip to South Africa. 113 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,475 So keep your embittered, communistic treason to yourself 114 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,597 during tonight's intercourse with Tarby and friends. 115 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,956 I am not having intercourse with Tarby and that's final. 116 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,679 What a surprise! Four minutes into the episode 117 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,196 and he delivers the most tortuous double entendre ever. 118 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,599 It was a great gag. 119 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,876 - Social intercourse, Eddie, social. - Oh, phew. 120 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,953 We shall talk about subjects far above your head. 121 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,759 Poetry, 122 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,513 fine art, 123 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,556 golf. 124 00:06:56,640 --> 00:07:00,758 That reminds me, I must bone up on Tarby's book of golfing anecdotes. 125 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,798 They are the greatest work of Eng lit since Dick. 126 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,917 - Oo-er. - Dick-ens, Eddie. Dick-ens. 127 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,638 Oo-er. 128 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:13,271 There's only one thing I hate more than golfing anecdotes and it's this. 129 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,036 It's a close run thing, though. 130 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,350 Ha ha ha ha ha! 131 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,557 This is brilliant stuff, it's classic, classic, classic. 132 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,676 Well done, Tarby. Oh. 133 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,115 Oh, listen to this one. 134 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,395 Listen, listen, listen. Shut up. 135 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:37,438 "Lynchy and I had taken time off and flown to Spain 136 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,988 "with Greavsie and Parky and Tom O'Connory 137 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,310 - "to play golf with Lesie. " - Lesie? 138 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,755 - Yeah. - Playing golf with lesbians. 139 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,673 Fantastic. Do you think Tarbuck's a feminist, then? 140 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,196 Lesie Crowthery, Eddie, Lesie Crowthery. 141 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,236 Just another one of the great guys 142 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,199 that make up my showbiz gang that I belong to and you don't. 143 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,794 Now, shut up, I'm telling you the great anecdote. 144 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,838 - "Lynchy lined up to tee off. " - I wish you'd tee off 145 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:04,672 and let me smoke my fags in peace. 146 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,149 "Lynchy lined up to tee off and said to me, 147 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,312 "'Gosh, Tarbo, we swigged so much pop last night, 148 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,393 "'being great guys together and such great big showbiz mates, 149 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,710 "'that I bet I miss this next shot. ' 150 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,190 "And blow me down but he did. He missed it. " 151 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,950 Oh, oh, oh. Ha ha ha ha. 152 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,758 Oh, ha ha! 153 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:32,116 Oh, touché, Tarby. Oh, that was brilliant. 154 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:35,078 No, the same thing has happened to me fumfty times. 155 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:39,119 We-hell. I can see it's gonna be a scintillating evening 156 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,237 with everyone cracking brillo gags like that one. 157 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,276 Yeah. Hey. 158 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,351 Maybe there's a series in it. 159 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,557 Dinner At Richie's. An ultra-sophis chat show. 160 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,551 Good evening. This is the BBC. 161 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:55,713 Tonight, Sir Richie Rich will be talking to the Queen, the Pope 162 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,950 and, of course, the Tarby. 163 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,270 It'd be a disaster. You'd get drunk 164 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,828 and make a pass at the Pope for wearing a dress. 165 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,831 Bloody good telly though. 166 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,593 So, what incredible 12 courses will you cook 167 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,478 for your fantastically amiable showbiz chums? 168 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:14,758 Well, we must play to our strengths, must not overreach ourselves. 169 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,717 - Right. - Er... 170 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,677 How does 12 boiled eggs sound? 171 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,830 Er, usually like this... 172 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,433 Nice gag, Eddie, and totally unexpected. 173 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,193 Perhaps a little sophisticated for BBC2, though. 174 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,716 I can just see it now. "How's the golf going, Tarbs?" 175 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,711 "Oh, really?" 176 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:40,430 "Do you wanna hear a stupid joke about an Irishman being stupid?" 177 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,909 - Can't wait. - What do you suggest, then? 178 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,197 You're supposed to be my friend, you freeloading parasite. 179 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,271 Smelly Eddie to the rescue. 180 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,670 When I was watching TV-am in the lav this morning, 181 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:55,275 I saw this fantast ad for a new mag called Poncy Cooking. 182 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:59,273 And when you buy part one, you get part two completely free. 183 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,636 That sounds like a marvellous offer and one not to be missed. 184 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,473 Actually, it's a clumsy setup for a gag later on. 185 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:06,993 - Oh, what a shame. - Yes. 186 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:11,119 - Let's go to the newsagent's. - Okey-dokey, diddly squat. Over we go. 187 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,953 Don't ever say I'm not there when I'm not needed. 188 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,838 You're not there when you're not needed. 189 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,395 Thank you. 190 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,391 - Ready, Eddie? - Ready-weddy. 191 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,789 - Let's go. - Right, then. 192 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,714 Blimey, the newsagent's is closer now we're in a smaller studio. 193 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,872 Shut up. You're spoiling the magic for everyone. 194 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,474 Oh. Oh, look, the newsagent. 195 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,393 Hello, me old darling. Yep, it's me, Richie Rich. 196 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,436 Don't faint. Treasure the moment. 197 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,478 Here's a pic. Put it in your box of precious things. 198 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,313 I don't understand what you're talking about. 199 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,233 Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I'm sure. 200 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,470 One of the cool type, are we? 201 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,312 Gonna boast to your friends? 202 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:58,678 "I met Richie Rich and pretended not to recognise him. Hee hee. " 203 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,115 What a sad little life you must lead. 204 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,996 Are you mad? 205 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,913 - Perhaps a little zany, yes. - Excuse me. 206 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,879 Do you have part one of Poncy Cooking with part two free? 207 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,713 - Certainly. One pound, please. - Aha. 208 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,518 I'm afraid I have no money 209 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,717 so I'll just take part two for nothing, shall I? 210 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:23,032 - You stupid slag! Come on, Richie. - One pound, please. 211 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:27,033 Er, hurr... I'll give you a mensh on me next programme. 212 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,112 - I shall call the police. - No, cos your part's over. 213 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,873 The end of your scene. Back to the dole for you. 214 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,315 Five lines, thank you and good night. 215 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,318 Well, I must say, this looks very interesting. 216 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,311 She's crying, you know. 217 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,914 That, Eddie, is the biz. It's a tough life. 218 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,797 It's a tough life, dearie. 219 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:50,668 I mean, look at Arthur Mullard. She used to be quite attractive. 220 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,957 - I still quite fancy her. - Yeah, hur-uhh. 221 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,828 Well, I must say. This is very interesting. 222 00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,990 Must learn to read sometime. 223 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,674 Right. Sod all this health food. 224 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,035 When I eat, I like to dice with a heart attack. 225 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,635 Let's have a good English roast and a coronary thrombosis. 226 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,314 - Right. Let's make a shopping list. - Yeah. 227 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,198 Four hundred pounds of oven chips. 228 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,551 Right, that seems simple enough. 229 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,154 Better check the larder. Waste not, want not. 230 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,789 - Remember the poor children. - Oh, the little poor children. 231 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,678 Yes. With their cosy little terrace dwellings. 232 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,910 - A roaring fire. - Bread, cheese. 233 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,117 - Dripping. - Add a little love, makes a... 234 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,156 ...meal fit for a king. 235 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,556 I think they're happier being poor. 236 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,551 Yes, or perhaps not. 237 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,631 Oh, well, who gives a toss anyway? 238 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,598 Let's check what's in the larder. Any food? 239 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,513 Erm, only a couple of dirty mags. 240 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,591 Huh? Oh, yeah. 241 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,672 I'm sure there's a reason why we shouldn't be doing this 242 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,478 but I can't put my finger on it. 243 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:58,155 Don't overtax your tiny mind. It's concentrating on breathing. 244 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,471 Shut up, the cheque's in the post. 245 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,755 Yeah, whose show is this anyway? 246 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:08,197 I'm the famous one, love. Come, let us go to the supermarket. 247 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,236 Right. 248 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,633 What a rotten shop. There's never anything you want to buy. 249 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,836 For example... 250 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:24,597 "Cruizos. Bite-sized cruise-missile shaped lumps of potato flavoured snack. 251 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,636 "Warning-will give you cancer. " 252 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,995 Everything gives you cancer these days. 253 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,470 You can't blow off without being told it's carcinogenic. 254 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,869 - In my case, it probably is. - Probably. 255 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,430 - Careful, you'll get grabbed by the dick. - Oo-er. 256 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,479 We mean get arrested by the store detective. It was just a pun. 257 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:45,518 We have every intention of paying for this item. 258 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,639 Ooh, Eddie, it'd be funny if somebody knocked that lot down. 259 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,555 Not particularly, no. 260 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,471 I'm disappointed myself. 261 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,915 Come, Eddie, for fruit. 262 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,595 It is the absolute sophis thing to offer fruit after the meal. 263 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:08,195 So refreshing and it comes in handy for the sex games. 264 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,709 No, not this. 265 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,796 Look, ridiculous. 266 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,509 Oh, this is disgusting. All this fruit is crushed and bruised. 267 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,511 I shall write to Esther Rantzen. 268 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,158 - Ah, the meat, Eddie. - Ha. 269 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,038 Load up the trolley. They'll have been playing golf 270 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:32,272 - so they'll be ready for hearty vitals. - Look at this little lamb chop. 271 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,796 It was probably once a pig, gambolling in the mountains. 272 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:41,000 Yeah. Doingy, doingy, doing. I could quite fancy myself as a farmer. 273 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,640 Well, it's a good job you do fancy yourself 274 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,678 cos I can't see that anyone else is going to do it. 275 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,955 Eddie, do you see this frozen chicken? 276 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,951 Er, yes. 277 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,270 Oh, urh. 278 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,749 Frozen tackle might teach you not to cheek me. 279 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:59,310 Richie Rich, do you see this frozen chicken? 280 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,709 - No. - I think you do. 281 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,591 Ha ha. Touché, Eddie. 282 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,190 Come on, let's go and pay for the stuff. 283 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,794 I've remembered why we shouldn't be here. 284 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,236 - We have no cash. - Eddie, I am a celebrity. 285 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,276 Celebrities don't need money. 286 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,432 - Next. - Ha ha ha. Boo! 287 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,829 Hello, love. It's me, Richie Rich. A-ha! 288 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,559 It's just cancer crunch and a trolley of meat. 289 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,756 I'll give you a mensh on my next prog. 290 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,593 £200, please. 291 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,433 My dear girl, you don't seem to understand. 292 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:39,514 I, Richie Rich, am offering you, nobody, a mensh on my next prog. 293 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:44,720 - Right. This requires subtle handling. - £200, please. 294 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,791 How does it feel to be a checkout girl 295 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,075 who's reached the peak of your potential? 296 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,879 How does it feel to know that you're a talentless git 297 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,871 who never even had any potential? 298 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,270 - I see. - £200, please. 299 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,271 Uh. 300 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,755 Stitch that. 301 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,594 I think you're on there. I know a come-on when I see it. 302 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,432 This is ridiculous. 303 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,593 Somebody here tell donkey face who I am. 304 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,558 We don't know. Who are you? 305 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,189 You jest. You jape. I am one of Britain's top comic talents. 306 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,714 - Say something funny, then. - Yeah. 307 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,712 If you're so funny, why don't you say something funny? 308 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,677 Go on, say something funny. 309 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:28,557 All right, then, I will, I will. 310 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,596 Erm... 311 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,477 Plop. 312 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,313 - Oh, dear. - Damn. Mistimed it. 313 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,029 I'll have to get the manager. Mr Forsyth! 314 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,192 Listen, bitch, I was once continuity link man on TVS. 315 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,919 I don't see why I should have to pay for my food. 316 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,754 Listen, dickhead-no money, no food. 317 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,796 Ah. Ooh. 318 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,111 You're the sort of girl I could fall in love with. 319 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,111 However, no time, because Richie? 320 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,033 - Yes? - Run! 321 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,434 - I meant through the door. - Oh, sorry. 322 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:22,111 I thought they'd never give up. Mr Forsyth had some stamina. 323 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,478 Safe and sound now and time to get on with my wonderful dinner party. 324 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,950 That's what you think. But I have been thinking. 325 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,998 Well, well, well, wonders will never cease. 326 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,355 Eddie Catflap's been thinking. 327 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,637 Put out some bunting. Organise a street party. 328 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,712 Let off some fireworks. Telephone the Queen. 329 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,791 Give everyone a week's holiday. 330 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:46,189 The man with no brain's been thinking. 331 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,840 Everybody go to the lavatory in amazement. 332 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,992 You don't know how you wound, Richie, you really don't. 333 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,436 However, no matter, because you will soon be in pris. 334 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,476 - Pris? - Pris-on. 335 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,630 You have aided and abetted a robbery 336 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,473 in front of Mr Forsyth and 50 mad checkout girls. 337 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,950 I am all right. I was just the mysteriously handsome bloke 338 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:09,271 in the huge trousers who vanished without a trace. 339 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,476 But you're Richie Rich. 340 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,391 And you'll be going to pris. 341 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:18,110 You're not all right, darling, cos I shall squeal. 342 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,431 Yeah, I shall sing and... and blab... 343 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,954 Then I might even spill a little bit. 344 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,996 And I shall buy a lighter sentence 345 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,231 with the names of my accomplices - to wit, Edward Catflap. 346 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,596 Then I'll have a face-lift so you can't exact your revenge. 347 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,150 You'd need a fork-lift truck to lift your face, matey. 348 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,994 At least I've got a face, not a collage of bogeys and sick. 349 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,198 Just cos you never get any girlfriends, you think you can take it out on me. 350 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:48,751 Me, never get any girlfriends? That's rich, you never get any girlfriends. 351 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,671 I was out with a girl last Wednesday. 352 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,638 Eddie, that was your mother. 353 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,597 I still got a snog. 354 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,673 - Snog? - More of a fight. She beat me senseless. 355 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,513 That must have taken at least ten seconds. 356 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,795 15 seconds, actually. 357 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,553 We're about to be sent to Devil's Island, 358 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,279 Tarby's coming for an important dinner party 359 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,193 and you're babbling on about your insane mother. 360 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,033 We're up plop creek with no loo brush. 361 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:20,317 - I'll telephone my agent. - Good idea, let's blame him. 362 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,153 Yeah. Hey, what if he won't take the rap? 363 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,277 Say we'll go to the papes about his "children's catalogue". 364 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,112 Nice thinking. 365 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,510 Hello, Filthy? God bless, look after Mum, drive safely. 366 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,957 Listen, you filthy, evil porno merchant, me and Eddie are in trouble. 367 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,553 Unless you take the blame, 368 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,552 we'll tell the world the truth about your "stage school". 369 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,518 Please, daughter, please. Please. 370 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,160 Listen, I am not a well man. 371 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:50,028 This morning, I coughed so hard I sucked my trousers up my backside. 372 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:55,753 Now, listen, Richie. Nobody needs to take the rap for this. 373 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,515 What you have got to get yourself is an alibi. 374 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,832 Don't shout, daughter. There's only so much an agent can take 375 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,115 after only one bottle of aspirin. 376 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,112 Now, look, alibis are easy. 377 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,350 You're a comic, right? 378 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,635 Well, loosely speaking, of course. 379 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,154 Yeah. You were doing a show. 380 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,196 No, no, that's easy. 381 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,317 All we have to do is to get you a real show tonight, 382 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,914 then Eddie can crawl around surreptitiously, 383 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,198 change the audience's watches back to the time you blagged the store. 384 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,157 Yes, yes, I know just the venue. 385 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,275 'Très chic. Très bona. 386 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,716 'Yeah, only the nicest young ladies need apply. ' 387 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,479 A peepshow, Filthy? What if Tarby finds out? 388 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,391 I'll be thrown out of the Royal Order 389 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,358 of the Charitable Self-Publicising Showbiz Bog Otters. 390 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,192 Don't worry about the Bog Otters. 391 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,113 They were in here themselves half an hour ago. 392 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,589 They had to leave cos they run out of 50p's. 393 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,591 How's my boy Richie doing? 394 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,797 That audience are getting a bit restive at the moment, 395 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,269 trying to see if bouncers really do bounce. 396 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,999 Don't mither the act. 397 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,753 He's got enough to concern him, what with being crap. 398 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:25,037 You were supposed to be changing the audience's watches 399 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,758 while they ogled the girlies. 400 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,594 I was trying to but the hands are moving too quickly. 401 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,830 Get on with it. 402 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,998 Right, that's it. Richie, you're on. 403 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,514 God, I'm not ready. How do I look, darling? 404 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,194 Not good, daughter. Très, très bollocks. 405 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,748 - He's absolutely bloody right. - Philistines. 406 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,796 I'd better do my superstitions. 407 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,509 What are you doing? 408 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:57,390 Titch "Oo-er, madam, don't start me off" Juicy always did this before a show. 409 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:01,871 - But he was notoriously awful. - God, you're right. 410 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,190 Boys and girls, lads and lasses, 411 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,636 please welcome to the stage a very funny man indeed, 412 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,395 the world famous Mr, er... Richie Rich. 413 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,118 Ooh-hoo-hoo! 414 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,311 - Here we go. Break a leg. - OK. 415 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,311 Get off, you maniac. 416 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:23,999 Hello, hello. Shut up. 417 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:29,200 Hi, God bless and if you can't be good, be careful. Ho ho ho. 418 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:33,671 Right. It's full up in here, as the vicar said with his hand up Sam Fox's blouse. 419 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,716 Show us your tits. 420 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:40,476 But seriously, folks. The Good Lord gave us the gift of laughter. 421 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,516 - Get off! - Ha ha ha. 422 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:46,149 Thank God the likes of Tony Benn can't take that away from us, 423 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,639 although he'd like to. 424 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,996 Tell us a joke, then, you fat bastard. 425 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,390 I hear Arthur Scargill's blind stick lost his hairdresser. 426 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,199 - You have to laugh, don't you? - Not at you. 427 00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,872 Two, three, four... 428 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,632 Happiness 429 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,995 Happiness... 430 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,719 Thank you. God bless you, one and all. 431 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,870 - Get off! - The greatest thing 432 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,916 That I possess... 433 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,639 The smile of a child, a beautiful woman, 434 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,676 just simply being... British. 435 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,478 Crap! 436 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:20,314 I thank the Lord that I've been blessed... 437 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,550 Let's thank the mums. Hello, mums. 438 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,596 Here to keep an eye on Dad, are you? 439 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,638 Richie, it's not going very well, is it? 440 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:33,113 ...than my share of ha... ppiness 441 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,031 Ha ha ha. 442 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:39,511 Thank you, one and all. Happy hunting and if you can't be good, be careful. 443 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:44,071 I've done that one. Er... And if you're in a car, please drive safely. 444 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,628 Thank you and good night, one and all. 445 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,836 I love you all. 446 00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:00,076 Well, tough crowd but I think I got the measure of 'em. Ooh. 447 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,674 They probably couldn't afford flowers. 448 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,990 This will do for our dinner party. 449 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:09,039 Richie, I've got some rather bad news for you. 450 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:11,680 - You're under arrest. - That's the bad news. 451 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:15,036 I wasn't that bad. I stumbled on a couple of punch lines. 452 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,874 It was our alibi-it collapsed. Mr Forsyth, he followed us here. 453 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,632 It's pris for us. 454 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:25,396 - Are you coming quietly, sir? - No, it's just the way I walk. 455 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:29,632 Note that down. I want all to know I was still cracking woofers. 456 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,836 Woofers or ancient double entendre 457 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,593 that everybody else gave up in the playground? 458 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,638 Oh, what a clever thing to say. How brainy you are. 459 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,030 Got a degree? Just cos you earn four times as much as a nurse, 460 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:43,714 you think you can cheek Richie Rich, do you? 461 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,631 Now, that's what I like to see. 462 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,676 A good, old-fashioned bobby. 463 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:54,959 Don't worry, Richie. These days, prison food is quite acceptable. 464 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,476 Mind you, it's not so nice when they nail you to the table 465 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,312 and shove it up your backside. 466 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:05,950 Well, Eddie, the long and winding road is over. 467 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:10,079 The great god, public, claims another weary showbiz victim. 468 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,233 Huh. Oscar Wilde, playwright, arrested for his beliefs. 469 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,915 Lenny Bruce, comedian, arrested for his beliefs. 470 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,514 Richie Rich, celebrity, arrested... 471 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,160 For going nicking down the local shop. 472 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:28,434 Huh! Lt'll be the trial of the century. 473 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:32,229 I shall be tried in majestic splendour by a jury of my peers. 474 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:37,440 Parky, Tarby, Lynchy, Sue Lawley. 475 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,636 - Annie Diamondy. - Debbie Greenwoody. 476 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,871 Selina Scotty, Maggie Philbiny. 477 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,155 Bloody hell, what a fantastic jury. 478 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,834 We might be on for a sex sesh after the trial. 479 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,595 Too right except you won't be there, cos you'll be in pris. 480 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,955 I'll be all right. I'm gonna plead insanity. 481 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,759 Damn. Let's face it. You've got the evidence. 482 00:25:56,840 --> 00:26:00,071 Let me out! I need a lawyer! I want my lawyer! 483 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,435 - Oh. - Don't shout, Richie. 484 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,229 It oscillates the atmos and rattles my phlegm. 485 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,788 - I've found you a lawyer. - Oh. 486 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,678 Met him outside. Known him for years. 487 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,512 Spurty. 488 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,797 - Pervy Sir Peter Spurty, QC. - Mm. 489 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,155 Bit of luck him being here, really. 490 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:23,074 He'll get anyone off if you buy him a dirty mag. 491 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,469 Remember when the Tory cabinet were found 492 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,518 in that brothel discussing declining moral values? 493 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:29,919 Clear as a bell. 494 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,434 Pervy Sir Peter Spurty got them off. 495 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,556 Right. He's the man for us. 496 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:38,349 Bring us our lawyer! We demand Pervy Sir Pete. 497 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,113 - In there, Spurty. - Blimey, that was quick. 498 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,713 Well done the police, say I. 499 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,189 Why do left-wingers keep sniping at them? 500 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,431 If you don't wanna get beaten up, you shouldn't be poor. 501 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,476 Richie, shut up. Watcha, Spurty. 502 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:52,278 Me and my mate are in a bit of a fix 503 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,749 and are gonna do five to ten in the slammer 504 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,513 unless you can stitch the jury, rig the judge 505 00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,716 and buy off the pigs with a kickback. 506 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,997 Eddie. Please, please, please. 507 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,390 This is England, Eddie. England. 508 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,233 Not Birmingham. 509 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,470 The British bobby cannot be bought. 510 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,198 - You, shut your face. - Sorry. 511 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,273 - What are you offering? - Nothing. You must speak to my lawyer. 512 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:21,148 What, old pervy Spurty? Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! 513 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:25,119 Right now, everything seems to be in order here. 514 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,954 I would stand by you, Richie, but lost causes depress me. 515 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,471 Toodly-woodly. 516 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,955 Right, Spurty, do your stuff. 517 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:39,918 Your Honour, I wandered into a garden, 518 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,195 under the impression it was my garden. 519 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:46,558 On seeing items of women's laundry hanged on the line, 520 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,950 I naturally assumed that my wife had done some washing 521 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,792 and I began to get it in for her. 522 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:56,237 The fact that I live in a high-rise flat and am not married 523 00:27:56,320 --> 00:28:00,074 is circumstantial evidence and, hence, inadmissible. 524 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:05,755 Right. Well, we'd better escape. 525 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,469 Against Leon Brittan's law and order initiative? Never! 526 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,792 No choice. The meat is in my trousers, Tarby is coming round 527 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:17,793 to hear his golfing anecdote and you're banged up in the slammer. 528 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:22,396 Don't be disgusting. I've never been banged up the slammer. 529 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:24,710 You're right. We've gotta escape. 530 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:29,715 I have a plan. What we have to do is set up a complicated system of stooges 531 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,314 to find out exactly what the guards are up to. 532 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:36,188 Then, we dig three tunnels and hide the dirt in our trousers. 533 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,191 We forge some German documents 534 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,955 and make the clothes of French peasant workers out of these blankets. 535 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:44,713 It's a great night for dying! 536 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,951 Then we wheel the wooden horse into the exercise yard, 537 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,396 we build a glider and we pole vault over the fence. 538 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,278 - What do you think? - Pathetic. 539 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,669 - Let's do it, then. - Yeah. 540 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,233 I'm sorry I doubted you. Your plan worked brilliantly. 541 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:06,359 Yes. Shame about old Spurty getting shot by the Gestapo. 542 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,549 No, the SPG, Eddie, the SPG. Not the Gestapo. 543 00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:15,031 They're completely different things. The Gestapo, er... 544 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,759 - speak German. - Ah, yes. 545 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:19,990 We're all right. That's what matters. 546 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,640 Of course, Eddie. Safe and sound at home. 547 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,757 Perhaps now I can prepare for my fantastic dinner party. 548 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:27,831 Empty the big trousers. 549 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,912 Okey-dokey, me old spunky cock sparrow. 550 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:36,597 Now then, I've invited Tarby, Lynchy, Parky, Brucie, 551 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:40,559 Tommy O'Connory and you and me. Have we sufficient comestibles? 552 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:44,269 Oo-er! I don't know about that but here's the grub. 553 00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:47,477 Good Lord, how did you get so much meat in your trousers? 554 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,956 That's what all the girls say. 555 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:56,309 Smut is the last recourse of the emotional cripple, Eddie. 556 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,995 It's a psychological truism - people talk about what they can't do. 557 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:03,675 Is that why you always talk about acting, plop pants? 558 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,716 Perhaps there is a land beyond the oblivion of brain death 559 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,473 where your observations would be understood, 560 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,199 but to us earthlings, they are mashed potatoes. 561 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:21,431 So keep them to yourself! 562 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,715 Richie, it's your choice. 563 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,439 I can either stuff the meat into the oven, 564 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:30,069 you into the oven or the oven into you. Which is to be? 565 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,116 The former. 566 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,031 Which one was that? 567 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:36,156 - That was where the oven... - Meat... 568 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:39,232 It doesn't matter. Tarby'll be here in ten minutes 569 00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:42,869 and we haven't cooked a thing. Get this stuff in the oven. 570 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,952 - I'll never get it all in. - Oo-er, sounds a bit rude. 571 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,230 Gonna need something to lever it in with. 572 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,073 Oo-er, sounds a bit ruder. 573 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:02,750 No matter how much I stuff in, there's more to be pushed in. 574 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:06,310 Oo-er. It sounds even ruder than it was before. 575 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:08,436 Thank you for these observations. 576 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:11,432 Every culinary exchange should be accompanied 577 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:14,114 by the rantings of a braindead vegetable. 578 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,953 There we are, it's alight. 579 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,039 Ooh, it's Tarby. Oh, God, Tarby's here. 580 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:25,918 Oh, God, it's Parky, it's Tarby, it's Lynchy. 581 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:29,754 The whole gang's here. For God's sake, don't do anything rude. 582 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:38,517 Hope I'm not late, loobies. I bought you a bottle of wine 583 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:41,160 but I drunk it in the taxi. 584 00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:45,119 Oh, God, I'd forgotten I'd invited you, Filthy. 585 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:47,430 You won't impress my showbiz friends. 586 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,909 I'd be impressed if you had any friends. 587 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:53,470 Right, that's it. Your invitation's withdrawn. Go away. 588 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,279 Oh, go on, daughter, do me a favour. 589 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:58,078 Where's your sense of humour? 590 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,993 - Only a bijou jokette. - Oh, joke, oh. 591 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:04,231 Of course I'll impress your friends. 592 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,470 We'll make a bona little team. 593 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,232 The financial artiste. 594 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,151 The theatrical artiste. 595 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:12,310 And the piss artist. 596 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:17,832 It's going to be a truly magical evening. 597 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,910 Blimey, those candles burned down fast. 598 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:27,151 Oh, keep it to yourself, Eddie. Much time has passed. 599 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:32,360 I'm swathed in melancholic pathos. 600 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,670 - Oo-er. - Shut up, Eddie. 601 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,517 I think you've been stood up, Richie. 602 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:42,875 Oo-er. 603 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,269 Oh, shut up, Eddie. 604 00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,828 After all I've done. A show in a peepshow, 605 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:52,391 robbed a supermarket, been to prison and the rotters haven't even turned up. 606 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,675 Fate deals me blow after blow. 607 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:56,193 Oo-er. 608 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:01,912 What time did you put on the invites, love? 609 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,468 Eight o'clock. Look, I've got 'em here. 610 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:07,757 Tarby's, Brucie's, Lynchy's and... 611 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:10,115 I forgot to post the invites. 612 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,112 Dinner is served. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net