1 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,718 Order, order, order! 2 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,836 The defendants will give order. 3 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:33,478 All right, matey boy, 4 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:37,030 I'll have a lager and a small sweet sherry for blubface here. 5 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,032 "Great gag, Eddie. " Yes, I rather think it was. 6 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:43,590 Your Honour, I throw myself on the mercy of the court. 7 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,750 I am only 14 years old. 8 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,308 Make me your ward. Bring me up as your own 9 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,516 and we shall learn to love each other. 10 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,876 I had been cruelly used and am an emaciated waif. 11 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,350 That's right. A 14-stone emaciated waif. 12 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,396 - I've got heavy bones. - Fatso. 13 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,710 Spare me, Your Honour, I am with child. 14 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,268 I'm with Eddie and that's the same thing. 15 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:08,148 - He made me do it! - Silence in my courtroom! 16 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,470 Oooh-hoo-hoo! 17 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,949 Richard Rich and Edward Catflap, 18 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,237 you stand accused of a sickening and degraded crime 19 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:19,471 that strikes at the very heart of our society 20 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,916 and mocks all that we hold decent and clean. 21 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,709 You exposed your bottoms on TV-am 22 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,598 and, what is worse, in front of, erm... 23 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,752 Miss Anne Diamond. How do you plead? 24 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,752 We plead like this, Your Majesty... 25 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,513 Please, please, please let us off! 26 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,592 Oh, go on, I'll be your slave for life. We meant no harm. 27 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:45,912 We thought Anne would appreciate a peek at the tradesman's entrance. 28 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:50,835 You do yourself no good service with this spineless grovelling. 29 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,832 Desist, I say, or it may be the worse for you. 30 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:58,357 He's milking it a bit. All the script says is "Shut your face, plop-pants. " 31 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,079 This is the last time we use anyone from RADA. 32 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,072 Far from appreciating your foul display, 33 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,516 Miss, er... Anne Diamond has stressed 34 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,912 that two such raddled and acne-ridden old orifices 35 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,798 have seldom been put before a sickened public 36 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,952 and has requested the severity of the sentence 37 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,838 mirror the ugliness of the, er... flaps. 38 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:22,797 In the absence of any defence 39 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,314 I therefore sentence you to be... shot. 40 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,118 Take them down. 41 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,953 That's why we got into trouble in the first place. 42 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:31,951 I wish he'd make his mind up. 43 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:36,079 Your Honour, I wish to speak on behalf of the defendants. 44 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,391 Oh, that's it, then. Goodbye, cruel world. 45 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,711 Mr Filthy! I have passed sentence. 46 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,598 The case is closed! 47 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,956 Your Hon, darling, sweetheart, please don't shout, 48 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,669 I have a delicate medical condition known as a hangover. 49 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:58,232 I contend that vital evidence was not put before the jury 50 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,869 and that, hence, there should be a retrial. 51 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,873 And this evidence... is? 52 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,636 Looby... the burden of the Crown's case to date 53 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:15,350 has stood solely upon the alleged horrifying nature 54 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,908 of my clients' garden gates. 55 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:23,233 I contend that a split-second of TV-am videotape 56 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,276 is not sufficient evidence 57 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:29,353 to so damningly brand a man's rear loader. 58 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,991 And hence, I further contend that it is my clients' right 59 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:37,356 that the jury should view the evidence. 60 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,749 No! No! 61 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,400 The jury will view the evidence. 62 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,836 - Wanna look? - No! No! 63 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,388 Excuse me! We are still here, you know. 64 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,869 Never mind about hurting our feelings. 65 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,030 It seems I have no option 66 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:57,511 but to offer the defendants a conditional discharge. 67 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,431 Oo-er! 68 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,479 And that condition is that you find gainful employment 69 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,676 outside of show business 70 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,876 in which you are clearly a menace 71 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,918 to clean-living TV presenters like, er... 72 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,037 Miss Anne Diamond. Case dismissed. 73 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,151 As for you, Mr Filthy, 74 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,437 I find you guilty of encouraging indecent exposure 75 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,034 with intent to cause a public affray. 76 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,590 And under the new Criminal Evidence Anti-Terrorist 77 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,399 The Police Can Do What They Bloody Well Like Bill, 78 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,358 I sentence you to be hung by the neck... 79 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,351 until dead. 80 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,998 Oh. 81 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:45,231 Well, you probably won't be coming down the pub, then. 82 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,278 - See ya. - Thanks, Filth. You're a mate. 83 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:58,154 Poor old Filthy. Gonna get hanged just for getting us off. 84 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,958 Yeah. 85 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,235 Still, we're all right, so sod 'im. 86 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,038 Yeah. 87 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,156 Mind you, Eddie, are we all right? 88 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,391 We've got to get gainful non-showbiz employment, 89 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,436 otherwise it's back in the jug. 90 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,909 What about stealing? 91 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:18,391 Of course, what a good idea! It's very romantic, isn't it? 92 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,392 Oh, I can see me now. I am the unblemished soul 93 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,755 cast down amongst criminals, 94 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,435 having to steal to stay alive, like Oliver Twist! 95 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,073 I should've been in Oliver. 96 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,230 Guess what they said at the audition. 97 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,880 "Sod off, ugly"? 98 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,951 That's amazing, were you there? 99 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,191 Ollie Twisto didn't do so badly from his life of crime, 100 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:42,032 thank you very much. 101 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,270 No siree bob, he certainly did not. 102 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,830 After a spell of pickpocketing, a rich gentleman discovered 103 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,071 that he was his dead daughter's illegitimate child, 104 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,276 and so he saved him. 105 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,955 - Maybe that will happen to us! - Yeah, maybe! 106 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,271 Though the chances are vaguely against it, aren't they? 107 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,157 No, no, no! It's all in the book. 108 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,390 "Why, Doctor," Mr Brownlow will say 109 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,436 in his gruff but kindly voice, 110 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:10,195 "Know ye not these two little urchins, Eddie and Richie? 111 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,113 "Study on the portrait of my dead daughter. 112 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,398 "Surely you'll vouchsafe that their faces are just like Fanny's?" 113 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,438 - Speak for yourself. - Now... 114 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,476 Ollie started in the workhouse. 115 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,199 We must throw ourselves on the mercy of the state. 116 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,236 But the state has no mercy. 117 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,754 They enjoy watching people starve to death. 118 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,956 - It's called monetarism. - Oh, yes. 119 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,076 Go straight to the pickpocketing. 120 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,436 Of course, yes! I've been entirely miscasting myself. 121 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:41,593 The Artful Dodger! That's the part for me. 122 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,150 Whipping fine silk hankies out the pockets of fops and beaux 123 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,754 - as they parade about. - Let's practise. 124 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,799 Try and get my wallet out of my back pocket without me noticing. 125 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,440 All right, skip. Shouldn't be difficult. 126 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,114 You got hit by a bus last week and didn't notice. 127 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,191 I had a lot on my mind. 128 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,589 You would do with a bus on your head. 129 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,195 - Brilliant joke, Richie! - Wasn't a bad one, was it? 130 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,714 Could we please just get on with the play? 131 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,429 Who knows who's watching? Mrs Thatcher could be watching. 132 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,278 The damn thing won't budge! 133 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,397 Of course not, it's nailed to my bottom. 134 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,835 There's a lot of pickpockets about. 135 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,957 This is ridiculous, we'll never get a job this way 136 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,996 and we'll be sent back to pris. 137 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,868 I'll phone Filthy, it's his responsibil to get us work. 138 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,269 He's in pris, under sentence of death. 139 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:38,998 Selfish bastard! 140 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,474 Filthy! Great to see you! Commiserations. 141 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,915 - Here's half a Mars bar. - I ate the rest, 142 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,479 but I wiped your bit down. 143 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,552 Mind you, you should've seen what he wiped it with! 144 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,279 - Now, then, Filthy... - God, I'm ill. 145 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:57,319 Prison does not agree with me. This morning I coughed so hard 146 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,789 I blew my kidney out my backside. 147 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,872 Stop whingeing, you selfish little toady. 148 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,554 We're in deep troub because of what you did. 149 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:09,952 Just cos you got us off, the judge said we've got to get gainful employment. 150 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,032 - You want me to help you? - You are my agent. 151 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,395 I'm also under sentence of death. 152 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,829 All right, I'll help you if you do one small thing for me. 153 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:24,310 - Filthy, anything. - I want you to get me 154 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,029 a short piece of one-inch steel piping. 155 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,350 What for? 156 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,318 If I told you that I'd ruin the plot, Eddie. 157 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:38,554 I'd hardly call this meaningless stream of bot and knob gags a plot, would you? 158 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,473 It'll all come clear in the end. Get the piping. 159 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,516 - Righty-dokey. - Oh, God. 160 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,998 Here you go, Filthy. 161 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,355 Here's a bit of a gag to lighten the tone. 162 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,796 What's the similarity between this toilet bowl and your head? 163 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,189 I neither know nor care. 164 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,397 When you bang them together they both go "clunk". 165 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:06,837 If you can't get a laugh without lavatory humour, keep quiet. 166 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,957 There's the pipe. Now do something for us. 167 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:14,397 - You've got to suggest a job. - Well, daughters, I've been thinking. 168 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,675 It strikes me that, to date, 169 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,479 your career can be summed up in two words. 170 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,757 - Star spangled? - Complete disaster. 171 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,752 So, the first thing we must ask ourselves is 172 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,434 what are your qualities and talents? 173 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,874 Right, that's that out of the way. What's next? 174 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,997 This is no time to mince with words, Eddie. 175 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:41,756 We must be honest. Richie is a lying, cheating, vicious right-wing bastard 176 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,674 with the sexual sophistication of a retarded donkey. 177 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:49,594 Which means you are ideally suited to be... 178 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,671 A journalist? 179 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,910 - Yeah. - You mean... 180 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,072 - join the scum? - Become a journo? 181 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,878 Yes. 182 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,157 What shall we do for an encore? Set fire to a hospital? 183 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,277 What you've got to do is go and see Dingo Wucker, 184 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,032 the big Australian publisher. 185 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,794 'The men who wrote that letter of introduction are here, sir. ' 186 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,077 Christ, yes, I remember. What are their tits like? 187 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,116 'Er, they're men, sir. ' 188 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,397 Dingo Wucker. Billionaire and ordinary bloke, g'day. 189 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,677 Richie Rich, major celeb, amazing bloke, g'day. 190 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,116 Edward Catflap, extraordinary fart impressionist, g'day. 191 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,918 - G'day! - G'day! 192 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,718 Excellent credentials - 193 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,679 a letter of introduction from Mrs Thatcher and Jimmy Tarbuck. 194 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,274 Thatcho and Tarbo, bloody great mates! 195 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,510 Forged, of course. 196 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,478 You wanna be journos so there's nothing wrong with that. 197 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,516 I liked its audacity. 198 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,875 - Take a seat. - Thought you'd never ask. 199 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,916 Take the weight off me plates, 200 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,560 put me bot on a spot. Save my bunions. 201 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:56,475 Take it easy, boys. "Bunions" is English for horrible feet. 202 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,711 They thought you said "unions". 203 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,997 You didn't say "unions", you slimy English commie? 204 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,640 Maybe you did, maybe you said "unions"... 205 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,996 - I said "bunions", you fat... - He said it again, you bastard! 206 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,516 We hate unions and you saved England by destroying them. 207 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,354 How clever to move to Wapping so that under Thatcher's new laws, 208 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,352 you could sack everyone after many years' service 209 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,557 and when they gathered outside your gates to protest, 210 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,155 how lucky we taxpayers were to pay for thousands of police 211 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,391 to keep them from the cash they earned for you. 212 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,233 - The bar closes in an hour. - Does it? Oh... 213 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,835 I'm thrilled to see you support my anti-communist actions. 214 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,037 I'll get you an assignment immediately from the editor. 215 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,671 He's in the copy room. I know that because I keep him on this string. 216 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:48,390 It's so I can be sure he has editorial freedom from me, his publisher. 217 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:56,029 - Yes, Mr Wucker? - The story on the chancellor. 218 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,634 Couldn't you work a bird into it some way? 219 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,631 Oh, come on. 220 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,190 You're a journo for God's sake, take some pride in your work. 221 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,989 - Who is this chancellor anyway? - He's a government minister. 222 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,036 Ah, it's a he, eh? 223 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,999 Oh, that means he's knobbed somebody recently, right? 224 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,753 Find out who, offer her £200 for a topless 225 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:20,071 and if she won't, rob her house, pinch her photo albums 226 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,549 and find a tits-out sunbathing shot. 227 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,633 Er, I don't think Mrs Lawson's ever been tits-out sunbathing. 228 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,473 Who the hell's Mrs Lawson? How old is she? 229 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,949 - I dunno. 50, 55? - Is she a lovable granny? 230 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,519 I doubt it. 231 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:39,197 I'm just not interested in women over 25 unless they're lovable grannies. 232 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,316 Don't argue with me about this. 233 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:46,076 I see our Budget coverage as a six-tit story, maybe even seven. 234 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:50,233 - Seven tits? - Yeah, profile shot. Very tasteful. 235 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,756 See to it, Bill. I've brought you these two new cub reporters. 236 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,319 Dibby-dibby dob-dob-dob! 237 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,358 - Celebrity experts. - That's us! Sha-zing! 238 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,398 You lucky, you've got something big. Tell 'em, Bill. 239 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,118 Oh, Christ. 240 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,111 We had a call from the PM. 241 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:09,113 She's worried about all these pop stars doing loads of charity work. 242 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,634 It would be a charity if they all shut up. 243 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:15,076 James Last and Roger Whittaker are the only decent rockers. 244 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,755 Oh, I don't know. The Wombles can certainly kick ass. 245 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,434 Shut your beer-suckers and listen. 246 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,798 Bob Geldof and Midge Ure alerted people to the starving millions, right? 247 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,872 The PM is worried that somebody's gonna click 248 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:34,080 that the starvation is actually caused by rich countries screwing the Third World. 249 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,276 So, we're going to smear Sir Bob. 250 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:40,478 Ah. Sounds saucy. What are we going to smear him with? 251 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,028 Listen, we're going to get this do-gooder. 252 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,715 This is what I want you to do. We hear that Bob Geldof... 253 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,518 No, no. Midge Ure. 254 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,673 - What? - "We hear that Midge Ure... " 255 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,352 - Look 'ere... - What? 256 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,795 We couldn't get Geldof for the show. 257 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,839 - We've only got Midge Ure. - Midge... "Urrrh"? 258 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,151 - "Urrre". - Let me get this straight. 259 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:09,030 We have booked a man for my show called Midge "Uhhhrr"? 260 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,634 He's all we could get for a bottle of Woodpecker 261 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,517 and a snog with the stage doorman. 262 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:17,559 - I'm a semiprofessional actor. - Get on with it, you old ham. 263 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,598 Doing this means you'll probably get a panto next year. 264 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:24,275 We're getting reports that Midge Ure is a Soviet agent 265 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,352 and he's having an affair with Mrs Thatcher. 266 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:31,069 - I want the pics and the story. - Juicy! 267 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,835 Where did we get this? Squealer in the Ultravox entourage? 268 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:39,072 Don't be a moron, we made it up. That way we can be sure of all the facts. 269 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,798 - Now, piss off. - Right. 270 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,031 And, hey-let's be careful out there. 271 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,034 Right, Eddie-this is the plan. 272 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,078 I'll keep him talking, you stick Thatch in his bed, 273 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,674 spread the Russian stuff around and take pics. 274 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:59,550 While we're at it why don't we bung in a goat or an underage chicken? 275 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,315 Please keep the diseased flushings of your mind to yourself. 276 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,437 As British journos, I hope we have some moral code. 277 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,637 Shut up and let's get on with framing Midge "Urhhh". 278 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,757 I'll deal with the butler, or maybe it'll be a maid. 279 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,957 He's bound to be an equal opportunities employer. 280 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,272 - We might be on for a bit of sex. - Yeah, that's bound to happen. 281 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,670 Goodness, my dear, you're attractive. Get a load of this! 282 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,910 Shut up! Shut up! 283 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,389 All right, all right, so it's Midge Ure. 284 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,074 Don't behave like mindless sycophants. 285 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,833 He sells records to a few screaming knicker-wetters 286 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,672 and you think he's God! 287 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,957 I work my guts out and I can't even get on Blankety Blank. 288 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,871 Let's start again, shall we? 289 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,713 I'm a police officer. Here. 290 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,109 This is a library ticket. 291 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,589 Is it? Oh, damn. 292 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,274 "Police. " Right, there you are. 293 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,316 Oh, yes. What can I do for you? 294 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,676 I understand you've been holding all-night sex parties 295 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,716 in that bus shelter down the road. 296 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,951 Ridiculous. I hold my sex parties at Geldof's place. 297 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,270 - Ooh, do you? What's it like? - Well... 298 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,920 No, no, no... Nevertheless, I must ask you 299 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,956 to accompany me down the road. 300 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,110 You're making a big mistake here. 301 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,316 Not as big as you did agreeing to do this. 302 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,435 It is now the next day. 303 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,751 'And tomorrow is a historic day for British justice. ' 304 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,958 The first execution under the new Police Act. 305 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,952 A government spokesman said bringing back hanging 306 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,996 was a return to traditional values. 307 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,719 There are plans to restore beheading 308 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,793 and the ritual slaughter of innocents by druids. 309 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,429 The condemned man, Ralph Filthy, a theatrical agent, 310 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,476 spoke out from his cell. 311 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,790 'I should like to thank all my clients 312 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,872 'for their many letters and messages of support. ' 313 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,315 Unfortunately there haven't been any. 314 00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:01,679 Also, if the landlord of Biggun's illegal drinking joint and peepo bar is tuned in, 315 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,797 I left an unfinished drink in the snug the other day. 316 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,791 Pop it over, be a looby. 317 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,077 A moving final appeal from a man about to die. 318 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,838 You know... 319 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,673 I've missed old Filthy. 320 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,877 Last December, with the meat cleaver. Missed him. 321 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:24,354 Point-blank range with my mum's air pistol. Missed him. 322 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:27,910 It just goes to show, if you want a job doing properly, 323 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,549 it's best not to drink 16 pints of lager beforehand. 324 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,552 Oh, God. 325 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,716 That bitch at Boots. 326 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,876 She insisted I paid for the photos. 327 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,030 I promised her a mensh on my next show. 328 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,997 So I punched her and nicked 'em! 329 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,799 I'm enjoying the moral laxity of being a journo. 330 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,599 - What are the pics like? - I hope they're dirty. 331 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,910 I could do with a look at something dirty. 332 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,036 You're welcome to look at my duvet. 333 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,429 But be careful. It ate the dog last week. 334 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,636 Eddie, these are brilliant! 335 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,837 Perfect sex pics of Mrs Thatcher in Midge Ure's bed. 336 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:07,357 We're on our way to our first front page! Bill the editor will be so proud. 337 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:11,035 - Wait, I've just had a thought. - We should bake a cake. 338 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,476 30 years on from his mother's womb, Eddie's first thought. 339 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,278 It's rather a solemn moment. 340 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:19,989 Richie, there's something unpleasant on your trouser area. 341 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,957 - What? - My head. 342 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,236 Oh, bloody hell, that hurt, Eddie. 343 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,515 Ow, ow, that really hurt. 344 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,195 I must say, it was a lot harder than I was expecting. 345 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,589 It's these photos, they're so sexy. 346 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,114 Maybe we shouldn't take them to the papers, 347 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,192 maybe we should take them to Midge "Urrrgh" himself. 348 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,475 How much do you think he'd pay for them? 349 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:45,553 Are you suggesting we blackmail the world's greatest rock star? 350 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,189 No, I'm suggesting we blackmail Midge Ure. 351 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,951 - Hello again, Officer. - Ha-ha! 352 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:01,828 We're not police officers, you dupe! We're journos! 353 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,592 God, the scum! 354 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:07,753 - Yes, from the Daily Bastard! - That's us! Our cards... 355 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,350 Now then, Mr "Urrghhh". 356 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,477 Look at these and remember - we've got the negatives. 357 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,915 - Yes, right here. - Er, no. 358 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,275 We've got them in a highly secret place. 359 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:23,399 Not very nice are they? Let me paint a picture for you, Mr Midge. 360 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:27,234 Imagine a record shop where your new album has just come out. 361 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,073 I shall play a mother, Eddie, my daughter Cynthia. 362 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:31,878 - Action! - Oh, Mummy, 363 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,952 look at the lovely new Ultravox album. Can I buy it? 364 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,511 He's so talented even though he sings like there's a whippet down his trousers. 365 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,397 No, you may not, Cynthia. 366 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:45,792 Midge "Urghhh" is a filthy pervy, I read it in the Daily Bastard. 367 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,599 Not a very pretty picture, is it, "Urrrh"? 368 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,477 Not really, no. 369 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,199 Of course, for 200,000 billion pounds... 370 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:57,114 And the royalties from your great single Shaddap You Face. 371 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,270 What's a-matter you, hey! 372 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:02,432 Got-a no respect Shaddap you face 373 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,273 Fantastic, the only decent thing you ever did. 374 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:08,909 - So if you give us all that... - No one need see these pics. 375 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,594 - That would be a shame. - What? 376 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,148 You know the business, Rich, you're a pro. 377 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,391 Things like this don't harm stars like you and I any more. 378 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,358 In fact, a bit of scandal's quite good for the career. 379 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,398 And I've not had much publicity recently, so... 380 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,436 great, go for it. Publish. 381 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,797 - Edward? - Yes, I think I understand. 382 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,155 Cop this, Mr Midge Ure. 383 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,918 God, how embarrassing. Demoted on our first day. 384 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,879 Look at us now. Reduced to covering a common hanging. 385 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,996 What's more, it's only Filthy. 386 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,799 I wouldn't mind if it was somebody interesting. 387 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,553 The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast 388 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,438 consisting of 40 fags and a bottle of Scotch. 389 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:58,354 Unfortunately we were unable to comply with his last request 390 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,590 due to objections from the RSPCA. 391 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,831 - Bloody do-gooders. - The prisoner will mount the scaffold. 392 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,990 Oo-er! 393 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,635 It is a far, far better thing that I do now 394 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,359 than what I have ever done before. 395 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,319 That can't be very hard. Everything you've done has been crap. 396 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,960 Did you know that it's a scientific fact 397 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,996 that when you get hung... 398 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,389 Yes, I did know that, Eddie, actually. 399 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,869 Ironic, really. First one in 15 years 400 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,916 and I won't be here to enjoy it. 401 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:35,757 Only joking, Filtho. Actually, we're both very, very, very sad. 402 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,354 No sense in moping, is there? 403 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,396 No. 404 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,556 Perhaps you're right, Eddie. 405 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,108 I mean, after all, as I prepare to die 406 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,156 I have only one regret. 407 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,754 - Which is? - I wish... 408 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,196 - I wasn't being executed. - Sounds reasonable. 409 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,510 Prisoner Filthy, it is time. 410 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,751 No, no, no! Hang on! My flash hasn't warmed up yet. 411 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,116 See you in that great dressing room in the skies, loobies. 412 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,633 Yeah, bye! 413 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,431 - Bravo! Well hung! - Encore! 414 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,715 The government would like us to warn children 415 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,756 that hanging is very dangerous 416 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,149 even though half of them want to bring it back. 417 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,392 That's it, you lot. Plenty more where this one came from. 418 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,630 - Marvellous! - Wasn't it? Rather! 419 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:28,636 - Oh, God, you're alive! - Of course I am, Richie. 420 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,915 I've got to be in the next series. 421 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,389 That's when you can force your wages up. 422 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,675 But how? 423 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,115 I've got some great lines this week - 424 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,997 "You're alive" and "But how?" 425 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,435 Let's get to a bit with lots of me in it. 426 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,830 That bit of piping you gave me - it's an old Newgate trick. 427 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,797 You stuff it down your throat 428 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,509 and it stops your windpipe collapsing. That's what I did. 429 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,513 But how can you have, Filthy? The pipe is still in the cell. 430 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,358 Is it? 431 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,192 In that case it must have been 432 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,589 this safety harness that saved me, then. 433 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,875 Oh, God, what a rotten day. 434 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,396 Well, let's go home and think about it, shall we? 435 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:09,833 Yeah. 436 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,760 I knew nothing good would come of joining the scum. 437 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,229 Ohhh, yes. 438 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,992 It's easy to say something clever, isn't it? 439 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,795 Except it isn't really for you, is it? 440 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,189 Cos you're so thick. 441 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:36,790 Look, look, look, boys, shut up, shut up, I'm trying to think. 442 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:40,077 Now, it strikes me that what we should do 443 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,835 is take a leaf out of Midge's book and do what he does. 444 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,388 What, wander about with designer stubble, 445 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,153 wiggling our bots like we just sat on a Magimix? 446 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,312 Edward, you seem determined to ruin any chance 447 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,472 of being bought a drink by him in the bar after the show. 448 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,790 He's got pots of money, you know. 449 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,476 Look, look, look, stop it, boys, shut up, shut up. 450 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,636 All I'm saying is that if someone 451 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,393 as experienced in the business as Midgey 452 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,358 says that all publicity is good publicity 453 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:24,035 then what we should do is write about Richie. 454 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,590 Of course! Get paid to promote my own career! 455 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:31,355 What are we going to write about your fascinating lifestyle? 456 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,159 "Drunk has-been goes to the pub"? 457 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:38,233 "Fat failure cricks his neck ogling girl's bottom"? 458 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,356 Well, it's better than you. 459 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,750 "Lobotomised blubber mountain farts occasionally. " 460 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,513 I'm not trying to be scandalous, am I? 461 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,194 Lots of what I do is very fascinating indeed. 462 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:52,875 The gen pub would be very interested in my outrageous exploits. 463 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,269 That's right, you tell him. 464 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,954 - Like what? - What about my drug problem? 465 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,713 - Which is? - We're right out of aspirin. 466 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,268 And I'm getting very fond of Night Nurse. 467 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,874 Great. I can just see the headlines now - 468 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:08,952 "Richie Rich pinches a four-ounce cheeseburger. 469 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,634 "'I spent all my cash on Night Nurse,' 470 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,633 "he wailed to anyone prepared to listen, which was no one. " 471 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:20,271 Can you boys have forgotten so soon the first rule of journalism? 472 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,873 Lie. 473 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,951 Of course, just make it up. 474 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,917 It's got to be spicy and with it. 475 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,594 - Sex, drink, nightclubs. - I've got it! 476 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,274 "Richie has sex and a drink in a nightclub. " 477 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:35,069 What about, "Richie has sex with a knight while drunk in a club"? 478 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,833 Good. What about "Richie gets put in the club 479 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,638 "by a drunk during the night"? 480 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,951 Don't be ridiculous, that's far too chintzy. 481 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,349 What you need is innuendo. 482 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,876 Of course, and I am the king of innuendo. 483 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,678 What about... 484 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,955 "Richie grasps his whopper in a club, 485 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,110 "oo-er, his drink I mean, madam. " 486 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:59,034 Fabulous! It's Guardian Journalist Of The Year for you! 487 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,156 I'm beginning to have second thoughts 488 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,152 about this whole "all publicity being good" lark. 489 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,800 I've been in the business a long time. 490 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,839 I can remember when Andrew Gardner blew off on News At Ten. 491 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,559 "Bong. Good evening, this is the news. " 492 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,030 Tense moment. The nation held its breath. 493 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,236 So did Anna Ford, I'm told. 494 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,312 What a nice story, Filthy. Is it relevant? 495 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,073 Of course it's rel, Richie, darling. 496 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,071 Couldn't be reller! 497 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,357 Now, it seems to me, 498 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,158 that, as journos, 499 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,710 you are in a unique position to destroy careers here. 500 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:41,119 Uh-huh-huh! 501 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,873 And, if you destroyed enough of them... 502 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,470 - there'd only be... ... me left! 503 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,869 Exactly. 504 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,396 Are you suggesting that we systematically smear everyone 505 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,836 in British show business until there's only Richie left 506 00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,831 so the BBC have to give him a job? 507 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:03,629 Why the hell not? I deserve a lucky break as much as anyone. 508 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,712 Finished. 509 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,149 Well, as you know, boys, I rarely get excited 510 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:16,358 but right now I feel like I've been locked in an off-licence. 511 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,273 This must be the most comprehensive piece of libel 512 00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,078 in the history of journalism. 513 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:24,277 Everyone in show business individually slandered 514 00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:27,511 with you totally exonerated. 515 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,672 There can't have been such a catalogue of lies, 516 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:33,320 half-truths and self-congratulation 517 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:37,029 since... Ian MacGregor's account of the miners' strike. 518 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,315 - Have we got everyone? - Yep. 519 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:42,039 - Ooh, Vera Lynn? - Vera Lynn. 520 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:47,114 Aha. "Adolf Hitler's lover, rumoured to be a man. " 521 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:50,078 - Grange Hill kids? - Grange Hill kids... 522 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,390 Yes. The love-children of Jimmy Saville and Nana Mouskouri. 523 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,517 Outrageous! Lofty from EastEnders. 524 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,637 You know why they call him Lofty! 525 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:06,236 It's incredible, isn't it? We must have the whole of show business there. 526 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,312 - From the very bottom... - Roland Rat. 527 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,635 ...to the very top - Benny Hill. 528 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,631 The guv'nor. 529 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:16,438 Benny Hill. 530 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,476 The Beeb's got Ronnie Barker 531 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:22,678 but ITV's got the guv'nor, Benny. 150 years in the biz. 532 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,228 And still telling the same joke. 533 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:31,475 Y'know, I've seen the original seaside postcard he got it off. 534 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:33,994 A national treasure. 535 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,273 Right, we've got the dirt, let's show Mr Wucker. 536 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,630 This is absolute dynamite! We'll blow every other paper off the street. 537 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,995 So, you're going to publish, then? 538 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,958 Publish? We're gonna publish nothing else. 539 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,715 There are stories on the economy, industrial relations and the NHS 540 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,950 but we can forget all that 541 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,635 cos this is a newspaper and nothing gets in the way of showbiz gossip. 542 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,312 Quite right too. 543 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:26,109 After this lot I don't know who the TV companies are gonna use. 544 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:30,795 We'll be on our way then, Mr Wucker. 545 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,155 Yeah, yeah, see ya... Hey. 546 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:35,959 I suppose there's some microscopic evidence 547 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,999 for all these allegations - we only need the tiniest crumb. 548 00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,197 Yes, Mr Wucker, it's all completely and utterly true. 549 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:45,191 Oh, right. 550 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,476 Er, Mr Wucker, I just want it noted 551 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,552 that Edward Didgeridoo Catflap said we had the proof. 552 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,835 Right. How do you spell "tits"? 553 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:01,558 Oh, dear, oh, dear. Never worked so hard in me life. 554 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:04,234 - Get the telly on. - Which channel? 555 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,834 It doesn't matter, he's on all of them. 556 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:08,831 'In a moment, Richtime, 557 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,798 'sparkling entertainment from Richie Rich. 558 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:14,189 'Followed at 7:30 by Top Of The Riches, 559 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,511 'and at 8:00, Life On Richie, a fascinating insight 560 00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,273 'into the natural evolution of Richie Rich. ' 561 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,510 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 562 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,353 'Richtime! ' 563 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,432 Hello Mums, Hello Dads 564 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,592 Hello to all the family 565 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:35,195 God bless Gran, don't forget the kids 566 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:37,271 God bless the dog! 567 00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,716 You're all nice people in this nicest of worlds 568 00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:43,394 But I'm the nicest of all 569 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,950 Because I'm in showbiz 570 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,076 Watch me now Showbiz 571 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:52,391 I'm in showbiz 572 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:55,074 Showbiz Showbiz 573 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,038 So drive safely and the best of British 574 00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:00,953 The Best of British to you-ou 575 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,759 From me to everybody 576 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:10,313 Good old Riiichie Riiich 577 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:15,068 I think it's rubbish, I'm gonna vomit. 578 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,435 I can think of no higher compliment. 579 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:19,033 Shut up, I'm in this. 580 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:21,554 All the family. 581 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:27,033 Mums, Dads, Gran. And, of course, the kids. 582 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,918 Don't forget the kids. Look after Mum, kids, 583 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:32,309 and try and stay clear of the Loony Left. 584 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:36,313 Hello, yes, British Airways? No, I cannot hold. 585 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:41,713 This is Ralph Filthy. Yes, Richie Rich's agent. 586 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,598 Rio de Janeiro, yes, thank you very much. 587 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,556 Made it! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net