30 seconds to go - eBay is such a buzz!
And we're on £17! Do we have £18?
- £18.25? £18.50?! - OK, do stop that. - I'm doing an auction.
£19! Yes, looking for £20 now. Yes, thank you, sir, Mr BeeGee74!
- Do we have £21? - I'm biding my time! - It's bidding, Tom, not biding!
- Bidding! - Then I pounce like a snake, like a business snake! - £22! 23!
Then 24! Oh, it's neck and neck! And look, it's BeeGee74 on the inside,
- steaming into first place! - I mean, that is horse racing!
- Oh, come on, 10 seconds left! Going once... - I lay the trap...
- ..going twice! Just hurry up and BIDE! - ..I coax them in...
- Going three times! - ..and pounce!
THEY ROAR
- Ha-ha! - Sold!
GLASS SHATTERS, LAPTOP THUDS
- Maybe type in coffee table? - Yeah!
This is Flat News.
JINGLE PLAYS
After our momentous eBay victory
7-10 working days ago, the package arrives today!
Naz Osmanoglu is waiting at the front door.
Naz, what's the atmosphere like down there?
I don't know what that word means, Tom,
but the feeling down here is absolutely joyful.
People are queueing by the letterbox to catch
a glimpse of the package they all love and adore.
This man's come all the way from his bedroom. Isn't that right?
Mm-hm! I've been sat staring at the door for the last five hours!
- Even though the e-mail said it would arrive between 10 and 6? - Yes!
I was keen to get a good spot.
There's nothing weird about what I'm doing!
The stage is set, Tom. Where is the package? When will it arrive?
Will it be in a jiffy bag?
The bathroom door remains
without a handle on the inside,
after Naz destroyed it
trying to escape his own smell.
Its latest victim? Third housemate Mikey.
- BANGING ON DOOR - Guys? The door's stuck.
- BANGING AND KNOCKING - Guys? Can you let me out, please?
- Guys? - Can you, er, turn it up?
In Lift Talk this morning, I help new next-door neighbour
and most beautiful girl in the world Sophie with her shopping.
I promise you, Sophie, it's not a problem!
- Tom, it's very kind, but really, you don't have to. - No, no! - Um...
Seriously, mate, just put 'em down. I've got it.
And finally, Naz is yet again
applying to be a contestant on Dragons' Den.
He joins us in the studio to discuss his latest invention -
the Swiss Army Hat.
Naz, what the hell are you thinking?
Either Deborah Meaden, for her firm hand.
Or Peter Jones, for his big head.
- Surely an army would just wear helmets? - A valid point.
But does a helmet come with a foldout hacking saw?
Hungry? Whoops, it's a spork!
Lego man - just for me, really.
And, on the back, emergency ham.
You can also wear it as a handy ha...
Agh! ..hat! You can wear it as a hat.
Thanks, Naz, who, for some reason, thinks this attempt to
get on Dragons' Den will fare better than his previous six failures.
Literally no point even filling in the form.
No need to rub it in, mate!
Ah! How am I rubbing it in?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is the Swiss Army crap doing on the plinth?!
- That is where the package is going! - Then where's my hat supposed to go?!
I don't care! A bonfire? The sea?
It's 200m water resistant, so it could live in the sea!
Stick with the bonfire! Just do not ruin my living room!
- It's my living room too! - I pay the mortgage.
- BOTH: Shut up, Mikey! - You stinky little shit!
- Sort out the mail, please. - TOM IMITATES MIKEY
- Why are you wearing that? - Just to remind Naz he'll never get in my den.
- It's not your den, you shit lizard! - MIKEY LAUGHS
- LAUGHTER STOPS - All right!
You named the plinth, I decide what goes on it!
It's not going to look good on Plinth George!
It's much better in the jungle, amongst the shrub!
It's not shrub, it's shrubs, and they're not shrubs, they're ferns!
And it's not going in front of my degree!
- Philosophy isn't a real degree. - Maybe, but... What is real?
- OK, this clearly isn't working. - Hmm.
We should wait for the package to arrive before we decide I'm right.
- HE SIGHS: - What are we going to do for the next six hours?
I don't know.
Just wait, I guess.
PARODY OF BIG BROTHER THEME
- GEORDIE ACCENT: - 'It's 10.45am in the Big Flat,
'and housemates are waiting for the package.'
I'm bored!
- Is that helping? - No.
- I'm so bored! - You don't have to keep saying you're bored.
- I understand you're bored. - Yeah, but I'm bored.
I'm bored!
'11.50am.'
HORN TOOTS
Stop it!
Agh! Ah! Aa-a-agh!
No cock shots! No cock shots!
That's Jenga!
'It's 2.54pm, and housemates
'are STILL waiting for the package.'
Oh? Oh, what...?
What the hell are you doing?! What the hell are you doing?!
- I'm playing with my Lego man! - Eugh, is that a euphemism?
No, it's a type of toy, Tom!
DOORBELL RINGS
The package!
- It's going on the plinth! - It's going in the jungle! - No!
Oh! Agh! No!
SWISS ARMY HAT RATTLES, TOM YELLS
Is that a pizza cutter?!
- Eugh! - Whoop-dee-doo!
MAN OUTSIDE: Ow!
Package! Package!
- Oh! - So, I've come to talk about the bollard situation.
- What? - I have complained to the council,
but apparently, I'm the one with the attitude problem.
- Mmm. - Sure, don't know what you're talking about. - So, what's your goss?
Er, what? Oh, just coming, Tom.
Are you excited for Sophie's party?
- Huh? - Sophie's party tonight.
Here. Yeah, she's, er, going to be serving vodka.
Apparently, it's a type of Russian beer!
Ah, I don't think I was actually invited.
Oh?
Oh, no! What, you didn't get an invite? Oh, that's awkward!
Oh... That is awkward. I... (I can hardly speak.)
Why's she done that, do you think? Quite a sophisticated event.
I mean, you know, I think maybe she thought you're a bit childish?
Anyway, I'm really excited,
because, the last time I went to a party, er, there was a cat,
and it had a furball, and I had to give it mouth-to-mouth.
- It just popped out the other end, which was the weird bit! - OK!
- Well, good luck with the bollard. - I'm sorry you didn't get invited
to the party. Will I save you a wee bit of cake?
Sophie didn't invite me to her party, cos she thinks I'm childish!
- Oh, sorry, mate. - This is your fault!
YOU'RE a child and I've been tarred with the same brush!
- Ha! You said "tard"! - Case in point! You will never get on the Den!
Oh, you will see me on Dragons' Den! It is my dens-tiny!
I can go to a sophisticated event! I'm an adult!
- I've got a library! - When have you ever read any of these?
- At least I've read some books! - I've read loads of book!
Connect 4 instructions do not count!
"Oh, I'm Tom! I like to flick through the dog-eared pages of..."
- Whoops! It's never been opened! - Oh, it's on my list! - You're a fake!
Well, I think you're just jealous of how mature and cultured I am.
Oh, yeah! I know how cultured you think you are!
Hi! I'm Tom Rosenthal, philosopher, book reader, wanker!
As a wanker, I like to laze about all day, scoffing Haribo
and watching repeats of SpongeBob in my pants!
But when I hear my flatmates arriving, I quickly switch
to BBC Four and pretend to be watching a documentary about canals.
Like many wankers, naturally, I framed my own graduation photograph.
But eagle-eyed viewers will notice that my non-wanker housemate
has brilliantly and artistically drawn cocks upon't.
What the hell?!
Yeah? Well, joke's on you!
Because I've got another ten copies for my friends and family
- and, due to low uptake, I have... ten spares. - Oh, yes, I know.
- Oh... - Eugh! - ..look how happy he is holding his cock!
Mummy will be so proud!
Hang on, I missed a bollock on that one. Where's my hat sharpie?
Where's my awesome hat? Little hat lad?
Hmm, maybe it blew away, after I threw it out the window with my hand.
Anyway, it does free up the plinth. NAZ GASPS
How am I supposed to cut peaches and do grouting now?!
Oh, that package is NEVER going on George!
I decide what goes on the Fresh Plinth of Bel-Air!
- That is not his name! - I changed it! It's my plinth and my living room!
- Well, technically, I own... - BOTH: Oh, shut up, Mikey!
'An unhappy Tom
'has come to the Diary Room.'
- MAN: - Hello, Tom. - Hello, Big Flat.
So, how are you feeling today, Tom?
It's like living with a bearded toddler!
Sophie thinks I'm childish and it's his fault! HE'S the child!
- Didn't you throw his hat out the window? - What's your point? Shut up!
The package is going on that plinth! If Naz was allowed
to make decisions, this place would literally fall apart!
I'm thinking about smashing up his bookcase next,
then I'll eat his books! Then, a few hours later,
I'll poo myself some qualifications! Who's the philosopher now, Tom?
- You're keeping something from Tom, aren't you, Naz? - Yeah.
I actually was invited to Sophie's party.
It was only Tom who wasn't.
- 'Are you planning to tell him? - No! He's my best mate.'
It would...it would kill him.
BOTTLE CLINKS
- NAZ SIGHS: - 'Look, all I really want'
is for Tom to take me seriously.
I was really proud of my Swiss Army Hat! It was all mine!
Apart from the 20% equity I was going to give to
Peter "Big Head" Jones, but Tom...
HE SIGHS DEEPLY
All I want is his respect.
HE GRUNTS THEN FARTS
Naz? You in there, mate?
Hey, mate, look, I'm sorry about earlier.
Hey! He...!
HEY!
'Tom has locked Naz in the Diary Room,
'so he can prepare the display plinth for the package.'
HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF
DOORBELL RINGS
EXCITED GIGGLES
- I didn't order a pizza. - Let him out. - Oh, what?
You think, just cos you're bigger than me, I'll do what you say?
- Why are you letting people lock you in the toilet? - Cos I'm an idiot!
Would an idiot invent this?
- All right, mate! - Yeah! - How'd you know this belongs to me?!
Cos you've written "mine" on the little man.
- HE LAUGHS - Only you would do that!
- Well, it IS mine. - Crazy features on this hat.
- Did you see the emergency luncheon meat? - Game changer!
But Tom doesn't think it'll get on Dragons' Den.
You've got original ideas, man!
The inventor's calling is to see things what other people don't see.
- Like a little man on a hat! - Like a little man on a hat.
But Tom doesn't think I should even fill out the application form!
Believe in your ideas!
HE SNIFFS
- You smell that? - The ham? - No! Originality!
But it's nothing if you ain't got faith!
You think, like, Leonardo da Vinci quit every time he felt like a plum?
He's like, "No, no, I ain't no plum!
"I'm going to da Vinci the shit out of this self-propelled car
"and, afterwards, I might draw me a man with loads of arms!"
Trust me!
You're going to be a world-famous inventor.
A millionaire, living on a beach in Brazil.
- A Brazilian-aire! - Exactly!
Take this Hawaiian.
The man who invented this - people laughed at him!
Putting ham and pineapple together!
His own mother slapped him! Now, he probably owns Hawaii.
- A Hawaiian-aire! - OK, that doesn't work with all the countries.
Go and fill out that Dragons' Den application.
And where it says name, don't write "mine".
Thanks, Carl.
- Oh, the hat's back. What, is it a boomerang as well? - Ha-ha(!)
No-one ever thought this pizza would work!
Oh, you got a Hawaiian? Eugh, rank-oh!
- I'm not stupid, Tom! I'm going to be a Brazilian-aire in...Hawaii! - Huh?!
It means I'm a brilliant inventor!
- Oh, what, like Alexander Graham Bell-End? - Yeah!
- Benjamin Wank-lin? - Exactly! I could be any one of those guys... - That's not their names!
- My inventions are not stupid! - Are you sure? Are you sure?
This is Naz's 50 Stupidest Inventions!
At 50, Naz's easy snack snacking slippers!
- STRONG ESSEX ACCENT: - When he's watching TV, Naz is so lazy!
Like he don't even get up to go tinkle!
- POSH ACCENT: - He is just such a lazy-poo! Lazy-kins! Just lays there
like a big old lazy-boo-boo!
- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Naz is lazier than my metabolism.
But he is always snacking! Oh, little piggy!
- HE SNORTS - You know, crisps, nachos!
And prawns! And Chinese people's food!
So he's got some slippers...
And sort of, like, you know like a fly squatter?
..and a flyswatter.
What? Swatter? Ha! I got it... Sorry, like...
- FlySWATTER! Sorry! - GIGGLING
And he sort of attached them.
What have you made now?! That is laughably poor!
So, like, fly squatter... Squatter?! Swatter, sorry! Ha-ha!
And he sort of flicks the nachos into his mooth.
Like a kind of Dorito pelican.
Ugh! Agh!
It's weird.
- Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. - Ha-ha!
You don't belong on Dragons' Den!
You don't even belong in the bit with the weird little troll guy!
Well, at least I have an invite to Sophie's party!
- What? - And you don't have one, because she thinks you're childish!
- She invited you? - Yeah!
- So who's the child now? Hmm? - Oi! - Who's the child now, Tom?!
Who's the child now?!
Come back! We're going to talk about this now!
No, don't shut the... DOOR SLAMS
..door!
- HE SIGHS: You've locked us in! - No.
'Naz has locked them in the toilet.'
DOORBELL RINGS
The package!
- HEY! - Hey! We're in here! - Hey! Just leave it! - Just leave it there!
- Don't go... - DOORBELL RINGS
BOTH: HEY!
Leave it! Just leave... Leave it!
- BOTH SOBBING Leave it! - Oh, no! - No!
- No! - No! - No! HE SOBS LOUDLY: - No! No! Ah!
NAZ WAILS
This is Flat News. It is with great sadness I must inform you
that, only minutes ago, the package has passed.
We now go live to the front door,
where mourners are gathering to pay their respects.
Sorry, Naz Osmanoglu doesn't appear to be there,
because he's locked us in the fucking toilet!
- How are you, Naz? - Not great.
We've been here for ages and Tom's not really saying anything.
(I think he's upset!)
I can hear you!
(I think he can hear me!)
- Oh, my God, it's Mike! - Where? - I thought he was at work?
Sophie's Periscoping from her party!
Oh, that stinky shitty little shit!
He got an invite - Mike! How is he an adult?
He just got a job. And a suit. And a flat!
Yeah, he's still a stinky little shit!
- MUSIC PLAYS, PEOPLE CHATTER MIKE: - Woohoo!
HE SWITCHES VIDEO OFF
I mean, Sophie's right.
I AM a child. I'm wearing a dragon onesie
and I've just been sat in the bathtub pretending to do the news!
Hey, mate, at least you've had a bath this week -
that's pretty sophisticated!
If Sophie can't see that, she's the one who's missing out!
Just like BeeGee74!
- What, that sucker on eBay? - Ha, yeah!
We auctioned that guy big time!
Yeah, that's not really what you say, but...we did. Ha!
Yeah.
Maybe I should read more book.
Are my inventions stupid?
Nah! They... Listen, I've read lots of books, lots of books,
but I've never invented anything.
You know what? I take it back. You keep going.
- You'll definitely get on the Den. - Thanks, man.
- Tell you what - why don't you take me through the hat again? - Oh, yeah!
All right, so on the underside, you've got your basics -
your scissors, your pomegranate deseeder, then, going anticlockwise
from there, you've got your device for opening jammed doors,
- this is for whittling wood... - Opening jammed doors?
Yeah, you're right - it's probably a bit unnecessary.
We'll remove it before we go into full production.
You're a genius!
Oh!
Mission success!
In a way.
Yeah, it's Mikey's flat.
- He can pay for it. - Yeah!
Oh?
We missed you more, DHL!
We missed you more.
- You should probably throw that away now. - Yeah.
I think I'll go and throw this away...in my room.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh...
- Is it the package? - No, it's Aoife. - Eugh!
My feet are sweating.
Um...what do you want?
Don't worry. The party's not that fun.
- UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER - Ha! That's Michael!
That boy is a riot!
Anyway, this got delivered to Sophie's house,
so I thought I would bring it over.
Oh, my God! The package!
- It's a book, is it? - Er, no, no, not a book. - Imagine, right...
- SHE HICCUPS - Imagine a giant book.
Jesus, you'd never get that through the letterbox, would you?!
SHE LAUGHS Um...you enjoyed the vodka, then?
What? No, I don't drink.
HE LAUGHS
- Oh? - What did she want? - Er, nothing!
Um...
Was she going on about the party?
Er, yeah, yeah, yeah! Boring, mate.
- HE THROWS IT AWAY - Any good stories? Shall I come down?
No, no, no, no, no! All good, all good!
OK.
I'll just be playing with my Lego man.
Eugh!
Hey, mate. Just finished my application form for Dragons' Den.
How do you spell "mine"?
Oh...
It came.
It looks amazing on the plinth.
It's so much better on Plinth George! I mean... Ha!
- Good job, man, you've got such a good eye for... - Thanks, mate.
What?
Hmm?
- Er... - You broke my hat? - Yeah.
Er, it's just, I was putting it up and it went, you know, agh...
- You piece of shit! - I...
- You destroyed my dream! - Your dreams were flimsily constructed.
- OK, it's definitely not going here now! - Don't take it off! - Grr! - NO!
- His feet! - That's your fault.
- He's going in the thicket, where he belongs! - Naz!
Don't do anything stupid, or the hat dies!
- Don't do it, Tom! - I will cut your Lego man's head off!
Whoa!
- Be cool. - You be cool!
- Let's just talk about this like adults. - I'm talking! Let's talk!
- No-one else has to get hurt. - Oh, yeah?
- Ha! - Er... - TOM LAUGHS
- Not his hat! - You've got something I want, I've got something you want.
- OK, come on, we'll do an exchange. - OK. - OK, on three. - No funny business.
- One... - One...
- ..two... - ..two...
- ..three! - Ah! BOTH SHOUT
ARGH!
- Ah! Oh! You decapitated him! - You destroyed my hat!
TOM WHIMPERS You've got cardboard on your hands!
THEY GRUNT AND ROAR
Ha-ha! You know what's coming now, boy!
- Not the face! - Ha-ha! - Not the face!
You draw a cock on my face, I'll draw a cock on yours!
Oh, look at the little balls! Look at the little balls! Ha-ha!
Who's the child now?!
- Guys? - What? Sophie!
This is...
And at Number 1, Tom draws a cock on Naz's face
whilst dressed as a dragon!
Er, I was just seeing if you were coming to my party.
- Er, well, I wasn't invited. - Everyone was.
Er, not me.
Well, your invite's right here.
Um, but I can see that you guys are busy, so I'll just...
No! No, no, no! ONESIE TEARS
- TOM SCREAMS - Um...
HE GIBBERS
Is that your package?
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
NAZ LAUGHS
BOTH SCREAM
NEWS JINGLE PLAYS
'Coming up, toilet door problems escalate...'
- Please don't watch. - Probably watch? - We should watch.
'..Naz invents popcorn trousers...'
YEAH!
'..flatmates finally sort the mail...'
'..and our auction rival makes contact.'
It's just... You know, I would've really liked that cut-out.
This is Flat News.