1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,360 30 seconds to go - eBay is such a buzz! 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,600 And we're on £17! Do we have £18? 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:10,120 - £18.25? £18.50?! - OK, do stop that. - I'm doing an auction. 4 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:15,160 £19! Yes, looking for £20 now. Yes, thank you, sir, Mr BeeGee74! 5 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:19,160 - Do we have £21? - I'm biding my time! - It's bidding, Tom, not biding! 6 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,800 - Bidding! - Then I pounce like a snake, like a business snake! - £22! 23! 7 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:26,840 Then 24! Oh, it's neck and neck! And look, it's BeeGee74 on the inside, 8 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:29,280 - steaming into first place! - I mean, that is horse racing! 9 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,880 - Oh, come on, 10 seconds left! Going once... - I lay the trap... 10 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,520 - ..going twice! Just hurry up and BIDE! - ..I coax them in... 11 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,640 - Going three times! - ..and pounce! 12 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,640 THEY ROAR 13 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,000 - Ha-ha! - Sold! 14 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,760 GLASS SHATTERS, LAPTOP THUDS 15 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,760 - Maybe type in coffee table? - Yeah! 16 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,680 This is Flat News. 17 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,440 JINGLE PLAYS 18 00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,840 After our momentous eBay victory 19 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,520 7-10 working days ago, the package arrives today! 20 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,680 Naz Osmanoglu is waiting at the front door. 21 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,720 Naz, what's the atmosphere like down there? 22 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,680 I don't know what that word means, Tom, 23 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,680 but the feeling down here is absolutely joyful. 24 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,840 People are queueing by the letterbox to catch 25 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,800 a glimpse of the package they all love and adore. 26 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:23,040 This man's come all the way from his bedroom. Isn't that right? 27 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,760 Mm-hm! I've been sat staring at the door for the last five hours! 28 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:31,080 - Even though the e-mail said it would arrive between 10 and 6? - Yes! 29 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,000 I was keen to get a good spot. 30 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,040 There's nothing weird about what I'm doing! 31 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:39,520 The stage is set, Tom. Where is the package? When will it arrive? 32 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,000 Will it be in a jiffy bag? 33 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,520 The bathroom door remains 34 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,320 without a handle on the inside, 35 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:45,520 after Naz destroyed it 36 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,200 trying to escape his own smell. 37 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,720 Its latest victim? Third housemate Mikey. 38 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,880 - BANGING ON DOOR - Guys? The door's stuck. 39 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,560 - BANGING AND KNOCKING - Guys? Can you let me out, please? 40 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,520 - Guys? - Can you, er, turn it up? 41 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,240 In Lift Talk this morning, I help new next-door neighbour 42 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,040 and most beautiful girl in the world Sophie with her shopping. 43 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,320 I promise you, Sophie, it's not a problem! 44 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,840 - Tom, it's very kind, but really, you don't have to. - No, no! - Um... 45 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,760 Seriously, mate, just put 'em down. I've got it. 46 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,960 And finally, Naz is yet again 47 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,760 applying to be a contestant on Dragons' Den. 48 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:19,600 He joins us in the studio to discuss his latest invention - 49 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,640 the Swiss Army Hat. 50 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,480 Naz, what the hell are you thinking? 51 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,680 Either Deborah Meaden, for her firm hand. 52 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,800 Or Peter Jones, for his big head. 53 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,240 - Surely an army would just wear helmets? - A valid point. 54 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,840 But does a helmet come with a foldout hacking saw? 55 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,720 Hungry? Whoops, it's a spork! 56 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,640 Lego man - just for me, really. 57 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,480 And, on the back, emergency ham. 58 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,360 You can also wear it as a handy ha... 59 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,200 Agh! ..hat! You can wear it as a hat. 60 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,640 Thanks, Naz, who, for some reason, thinks this attempt to 61 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:51,400 get on Dragons' Den will fare better than his previous six failures. 62 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,440 Literally no point even filling in the form. 63 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,800 No need to rub it in, mate! 64 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,480 Ah! How am I rubbing it in? 65 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,320 Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is the Swiss Army crap doing on the plinth?! 66 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,320 - That is where the package is going! - Then where's my hat supposed to go?! 67 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,080 I don't care! A bonfire? The sea? 68 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,400 It's 200m water resistant, so it could live in the sea! 69 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,760 Stick with the bonfire! Just do not ruin my living room! 70 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,800 - It's my living room too! - I pay the mortgage. 71 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,920 - BOTH: Shut up, Mikey! - You stinky little shit! 72 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,520 - Sort out the mail, please. - TOM IMITATES MIKEY 73 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,920 - Why are you wearing that? - Just to remind Naz he'll never get in my den. 74 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,520 - It's not your den, you shit lizard! - MIKEY LAUGHS 75 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,040 - LAUGHTER STOPS - All right! 76 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,080 You named the plinth, I decide what goes on it! 77 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,720 It's not going to look good on Plinth George! 78 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,440 It's much better in the jungle, amongst the shrub! 79 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,440 It's not shrub, it's shrubs, and they're not shrubs, they're ferns! 80 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,240 And it's not going in front of my degree! 81 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:43,680 - Philosophy isn't a real degree. - Maybe, but... What is real? 82 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,600 - OK, this clearly isn't working. - Hmm. 83 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,560 We should wait for the package to arrive before we decide I'm right. 84 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,600 - HE SIGHS: - What are we going to do for the next six hours? 85 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,640 I don't know. 86 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,160 Just wait, I guess. 87 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,720 PARODY OF BIG BROTHER THEME 88 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,840 - GEORDIE ACCENT: - 'It's 10.45am in the Big Flat, 89 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,960 'and housemates are waiting for the package.' 90 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,000 I'm bored! 91 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,320 - Is that helping? - No. 92 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,920 - I'm so bored! - You don't have to keep saying you're bored. 93 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,160 - I understand you're bored. - Yeah, but I'm bored. 94 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,000 I'm bored! 95 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,400 '11.50am.' 96 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,120 HORN TOOTS 97 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,280 Stop it! 98 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,880 Agh! Ah! Aa-a-agh! 99 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,560 No cock shots! No cock shots! 100 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:51,920 That's Jenga! 101 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,720 'It's 2.54pm, and housemates 102 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,320 'are STILL waiting for the package.' 103 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:00,560 Oh? Oh, what...? 104 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,320 What the hell are you doing?! What the hell are you doing?! 105 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,280 - I'm playing with my Lego man! - Eugh, is that a euphemism? 106 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:08,880 No, it's a type of toy, Tom! 107 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,440 DOORBELL RINGS 108 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,200 The package! 109 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,560 - It's going on the plinth! - It's going in the jungle! - No! 110 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,880 Oh! Agh! No! 111 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,240 SWISS ARMY HAT RATTLES, TOM YELLS 112 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,480 Is that a pizza cutter?! 113 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,600 - Eugh! - Whoop-dee-doo! 114 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,640 MAN OUTSIDE: Ow! 115 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:31,760 Package! Package! 116 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:35,360 - Oh! - So, I've come to talk about the bollard situation. 117 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,280 - What? - I have complained to the council, 118 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:40,000 but apparently, I'm the one with the attitude problem. 119 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,640 - Mmm. - Sure, don't know what you're talking about. - So, what's your goss? 120 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,760 Er, what? Oh, just coming, Tom. 121 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,520 Are you excited for Sophie's party? 122 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,080 - Huh? - Sophie's party tonight. 123 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:55,240 Here. Yeah, she's, er, going to be serving vodka. 124 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,760 Apparently, it's a type of Russian beer! 125 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:01,320 Ah, I don't think I was actually invited. 126 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,520 Oh? 127 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,400 Oh, no! What, you didn't get an invite? Oh, that's awkward! 128 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:11,600 Oh... That is awkward. I... (I can hardly speak.) 129 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,960 Why's she done that, do you think? Quite a sophisticated event. 130 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,600 I mean, you know, I think maybe she thought you're a bit childish? 131 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,160 Anyway, I'm really excited, 132 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:24,000 because, the last time I went to a party, er, there was a cat, 133 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,560 and it had a furball, and I had to give it mouth-to-mouth. 134 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,800 - It just popped out the other end, which was the weird bit! - OK! 135 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,920 - Well, good luck with the bollard. - I'm sorry you didn't get invited 136 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,080 to the party. Will I save you a wee bit of cake? 137 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:38,240 Sophie didn't invite me to her party, cos she thinks I'm childish! 138 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,360 - Oh, sorry, mate. - This is your fault! 139 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,160 YOU'RE a child and I've been tarred with the same brush! 140 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,920 - Ha! You said "tard"! - Case in point! You will never get on the Den! 141 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,760 Oh, you will see me on Dragons' Den! It is my dens-tiny! 142 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,400 I can go to a sophisticated event! I'm an adult! 143 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,000 - I've got a library! - When have you ever read any of these? 144 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,320 - At least I've read some books! - I've read loads of book! 145 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,080 Connect 4 instructions do not count! 146 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,000 "Oh, I'm Tom! I like to flick through the dog-eared pages of..." 147 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,000 - Whoops! It's never been opened! - Oh, it's on my list! - You're a fake! 148 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,960 Well, I think you're just jealous of how mature and cultured I am. 149 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,400 Oh, yeah! I know how cultured you think you are! 150 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:22,640 Hi! I'm Tom Rosenthal, philosopher, book reader, wanker! 151 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,120 As a wanker, I like to laze about all day, scoffing Haribo 152 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,080 and watching repeats of SpongeBob in my pants! 153 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,640 But when I hear my flatmates arriving, I quickly switch 154 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:39,280 to BBC Four and pretend to be watching a documentary about canals. 155 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:43,440 Like many wankers, naturally, I framed my own graduation photograph. 156 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,520 But eagle-eyed viewers will notice that my non-wanker housemate 157 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:53,480 has brilliantly and artistically drawn cocks upon't. 158 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,840 What the hell?! 159 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,800 Yeah? Well, joke's on you! 160 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,520 Because I've got another ten copies for my friends and family 161 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,680 - and, due to low uptake, I have... ten spares. - Oh, yes, I know. 162 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,600 - Oh... - Eugh! - ..look how happy he is holding his cock! 163 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:06,880 Mummy will be so proud! 164 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,240 Hang on, I missed a bollock on that one. Where's my hat sharpie? 165 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,320 Where's my awesome hat? Little hat lad? 166 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,760 Hmm, maybe it blew away, after I threw it out the window with my hand. 167 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,200 Anyway, it does free up the plinth. NAZ GASPS 168 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,760 How am I supposed to cut peaches and do grouting now?! 169 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,560 Oh, that package is NEVER going on George! 170 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,680 I decide what goes on the Fresh Plinth of Bel-Air! 171 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,560 - That is not his name! - I changed it! It's my plinth and my living room! 172 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:30,080 - Well, technically, I own... - BOTH: Oh, shut up, Mikey! 173 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,960 'An unhappy Tom 174 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,160 'has come to the Diary Room.' 175 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,520 - MAN: - Hello, Tom. - Hello, Big Flat. 176 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,520 So, how are you feeling today, Tom? 177 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,480 It's like living with a bearded toddler! 178 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,680 Sophie thinks I'm childish and it's his fault! HE'S the child! 179 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:50,160 - Didn't you throw his hat out the window? - What's your point? Shut up! 180 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,480 The package is going on that plinth! If Naz was allowed 181 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,040 to make decisions, this place would literally fall apart! 182 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,320 I'm thinking about smashing up his bookcase next, 183 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,600 then I'll eat his books! Then, a few hours later, 184 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:03,240 I'll poo myself some qualifications! Who's the philosopher now, Tom? 185 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,680 - You're keeping something from Tom, aren't you, Naz? - Yeah. 186 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,880 I actually was invited to Sophie's party. 187 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,640 It was only Tom who wasn't. 188 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,680 - 'Are you planning to tell him? - No! He's my best mate.' 189 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,080 It would...it would kill him. 190 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,760 BOTTLE CLINKS 191 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,760 - NAZ SIGHS: - 'Look, all I really want' 192 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,400 is for Tom to take me seriously. 193 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,280 I was really proud of my Swiss Army Hat! It was all mine! 194 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,280 Apart from the 20% equity I was going to give to 195 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,600 Peter "Big Head" Jones, but Tom... 196 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,200 HE SIGHS DEEPLY 197 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,800 All I want is his respect. 198 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,800 HE GRUNTS THEN FARTS 199 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,160 Naz? You in there, mate? 200 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,120 Hey, mate, look, I'm sorry about earlier. 201 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,080 Hey! He...! 202 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,960 HEY! 203 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,840 'Tom has locked Naz in the Diary Room, 204 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,600 'so he can prepare the display plinth for the package.' 205 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,400 HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF 206 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:04,920 DOORBELL RINGS 207 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:07,760 EXCITED GIGGLES 208 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,640 - I didn't order a pizza. - Let him out. - Oh, what? 209 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,640 You think, just cos you're bigger than me, I'll do what you say? 210 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,680 - Why are you letting people lock you in the toilet? - Cos I'm an idiot! 211 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,520 Would an idiot invent this? 212 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,760 - All right, mate! - Yeah! - How'd you know this belongs to me?! 213 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,320 Cos you've written "mine" on the little man. 214 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,800 - HE LAUGHS - Only you would do that! 215 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,320 - Well, it IS mine. - Crazy features on this hat. 216 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,200 - Did you see the emergency luncheon meat? - Game changer! 217 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,600 But Tom doesn't think it'll get on Dragons' Den. 218 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,640 You've got original ideas, man! 219 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,280 The inventor's calling is to see things what other people don't see. 220 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,960 - Like a little man on a hat! - Like a little man on a hat. 221 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,880 But Tom doesn't think I should even fill out the application form! 222 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,520 Believe in your ideas! 223 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,400 HE SNIFFS 224 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:57,320 - You smell that? - The ham? - No! Originality! 225 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,560 But it's nothing if you ain't got faith! 226 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,840 You think, like, Leonardo da Vinci quit every time he felt like a plum? 227 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,200 He's like, "No, no, I ain't no plum! 228 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,440 "I'm going to da Vinci the shit out of this self-propelled car 229 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,000 "and, afterwards, I might draw me a man with loads of arms!" 230 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,880 Trust me! 231 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,320 You're going to be a world-famous inventor. 232 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,160 A millionaire, living on a beach in Brazil. 233 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,920 - A Brazilian-aire! - Exactly! 234 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,480 Take this Hawaiian. 235 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,280 The man who invented this - people laughed at him! 236 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,960 Putting ham and pineapple together! 237 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,480 His own mother slapped him! Now, he probably owns Hawaii. 238 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:40,120 - A Hawaiian-aire! - OK, that doesn't work with all the countries. 239 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,800 Go and fill out that Dragons' Den application. 240 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,720 And where it says name, don't write "mine". 241 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,680 Thanks, Carl. 242 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:59,240 - Oh, the hat's back. What, is it a boomerang as well? - Ha-ha(!) 243 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,360 No-one ever thought this pizza would work! 244 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,440 Oh, you got a Hawaiian? Eugh, rank-oh! 245 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:09,160 - I'm not stupid, Tom! I'm going to be a Brazilian-aire in...Hawaii! - Huh?! 246 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,840 It means I'm a brilliant inventor! 247 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,080 - Oh, what, like Alexander Graham Bell-End? - Yeah! 248 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:17,000 - Benjamin Wank-lin? - Exactly! I could be any one of those guys... - That's not their names! 249 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,680 - My inventions are not stupid! - Are you sure? Are you sure? 250 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:27,200 This is Naz's 50 Stupidest Inventions! 251 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,000 At 50, Naz's easy snack snacking slippers! 252 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,560 - STRONG ESSEX ACCENT: - When he's watching TV, Naz is so lazy! 253 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,680 Like he don't even get up to go tinkle! 254 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:39,000 - POSH ACCENT: - He is just such a lazy-poo! Lazy-kins! Just lays there 255 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,280 like a big old lazy-boo-boo! 256 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,120 - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Naz is lazier than my metabolism. 257 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,120 But he is always snacking! Oh, little piggy! 258 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,800 - HE SNORTS - You know, crisps, nachos! 259 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,480 And prawns! And Chinese people's food! 260 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,200 So he's got some slippers... 261 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,040 And sort of, like, you know like a fly squatter? 262 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,600 ..and a flyswatter. 263 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:02,080 What? Swatter? Ha! I got it... Sorry, like... 264 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,600 - FlySWATTER! Sorry! - GIGGLING 265 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,640 And he sort of attached them. 266 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,720 What have you made now?! That is laughably poor! 267 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:13,240 So, like, fly squatter... Squatter?! Swatter, sorry! Ha-ha! 268 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:17,400 And he sort of flicks the nachos into his mooth. 269 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,360 Like a kind of Dorito pelican. 270 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,640 Ugh! Agh! 271 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:22,920 It's weird. 272 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,000 - Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. - Ha-ha! 273 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,840 You don't belong on Dragons' Den! 274 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,720 You don't even belong in the bit with the weird little troll guy! 275 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,840 Well, at least I have an invite to Sophie's party! 276 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,120 - What? - And you don't have one, because she thinks you're childish! 277 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,760 - She invited you? - Yeah! 278 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:41,560 - So who's the child now? Hmm? - Oi! - Who's the child now, Tom?! 279 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:42,800 Who's the child now?! 280 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,960 Come back! We're going to talk about this now! 281 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,520 No, don't shut the... DOOR SLAMS 282 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,200 ..door! 283 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,200 - HE SIGHS: You've locked us in! - No. 284 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,480 'Naz has locked them in the toilet.' 285 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,400 DOORBELL RINGS 286 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,720 The package! 287 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,600 - HEY! - Hey! We're in here! - Hey! Just leave it! - Just leave it there! 288 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,600 - Don't go... - DOORBELL RINGS 289 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,360 BOTH: HEY! 290 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,120 Leave it! Just leave... Leave it! 291 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,280 - BOTH SOBBING Leave it! - Oh, no! - No! 292 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:17,320 - No! - No! - No! - No! HE SOBS LOUDLY: - No! No! Ah! 293 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,360 NAZ WAILS 294 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:26,960 This is Flat News. It is with great sadness I must inform you 295 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:31,320 that, only minutes ago, the package has passed. 296 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,240 We now go live to the front door, 297 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,280 where mourners are gathering to pay their respects. 298 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,600 Sorry, Naz Osmanoglu doesn't appear to be there, 299 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,280 because he's locked us in the fucking toilet! 300 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,440 - How are you, Naz? - Not great. 301 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:53,000 We've been here for ages and Tom's not really saying anything. 302 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,720 (I think he's upset!) 303 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,680 I can hear you! 304 00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,360 (I think he can hear me!) 305 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:03,840 - Oh, my God, it's Mike! - Where? - I thought he was at work? 306 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,880 Sophie's Periscoping from her party! 307 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,600 Oh, that stinky shitty little shit! 308 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,440 He got an invite - Mike! How is he an adult? 309 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,840 He just got a job. And a suit. And a flat! 310 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,040 Yeah, he's still a stinky little shit! 311 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,600 - MUSIC PLAYS, PEOPLE CHATTER MIKE: - Woohoo! 312 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,600 HE SWITCHES VIDEO OFF 313 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,560 I mean, Sophie's right. 314 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,840 I AM a child. I'm wearing a dragon onesie 315 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,680 and I've just been sat in the bathtub pretending to do the news! 316 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,680 Hey, mate, at least you've had a bath this week - 317 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,480 that's pretty sophisticated! 318 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,760 If Sophie can't see that, she's the one who's missing out! 319 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,720 Just like BeeGee74! 320 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,080 - What, that sucker on eBay? - Ha, yeah! 321 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,600 We auctioned that guy big time! 322 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,920 Yeah, that's not really what you say, but...we did. Ha! 323 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,960 Yeah. 324 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,680 Maybe I should read more book. 325 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,640 Are my inventions stupid? 326 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:01,360 Nah! They... Listen, I've read lots of books, lots of books, 327 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,440 but I've never invented anything. 328 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,080 You know what? I take it back. You keep going. 329 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,000 - You'll definitely get on the Den. - Thanks, man. 330 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,960 - Tell you what - why don't you take me through the hat again? - Oh, yeah! 331 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,720 All right, so on the underside, you've got your basics - 332 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,840 your scissors, your pomegranate deseeder, then, going anticlockwise 333 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,880 from there, you've got your device for opening jammed doors, 334 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,000 - this is for whittling wood... - Opening jammed doors? 335 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,400 Yeah, you're right - it's probably a bit unnecessary. 336 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,120 We'll remove it before we go into full production. 337 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,680 You're a genius! 338 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,120 Oh! 339 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,840 Mission success! 340 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,360 In a way. 341 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,960 Yeah, it's Mikey's flat. 342 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,440 - He can pay for it. - Yeah! 343 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,680 Oh? 344 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,160 We missed you more, DHL! 345 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,280 We missed you more. 346 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:53,280 - You should probably throw that away now. - Yeah. 347 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,560 I think I'll go and throw this away...in my room. 348 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,360 DOORBELL RINGS 349 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,240 Oh... 350 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,360 - Is it the package? - No, it's Aoife. - Eugh! 351 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:05,920 My feet are sweating. 352 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:08,160 Um...what do you want? 353 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,360 Don't worry. The party's not that fun. 354 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:14,520 - UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER - Ha! That's Michael! 355 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,920 That boy is a riot! 356 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,840 Anyway, this got delivered to Sophie's house, 357 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,080 so I thought I would bring it over. 358 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,000 Oh, my God! The package! 359 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,080 - It's a book, is it? - Er, no, no, not a book. - Imagine, right... 360 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,920 - SHE HICCUPS - Imagine a giant book. 361 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,640 Jesus, you'd never get that through the letterbox, would you?! 362 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,600 SHE LAUGHS Um...you enjoyed the vodka, then? 363 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,760 What? No, I don't drink. 364 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,400 HE LAUGHS 365 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,080 - Oh? - What did she want? - Er, nothing! 366 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,920 Um... 367 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,760 Was she going on about the party? 368 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,840 Er, yeah, yeah, yeah! Boring, mate. 369 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,880 - HE THROWS IT AWAY - Any good stories? Shall I come down? 370 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,880 No, no, no, no, no! All good, all good! 371 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,120 OK. 372 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,000 I'll just be playing with my Lego man. 373 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:11,760 Eugh! 374 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:17,840 Hey, mate. Just finished my application form for Dragons' Den. 375 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,240 How do you spell "mine"? 376 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,800 Oh... 377 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:23,840 It came. 378 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,040 It came. 379 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,760 It looks amazing on the plinth. 380 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,880 It's so much better on Plinth George! I mean... Ha! 381 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,720 - Good job, man, you've got such a good eye for... - Thanks, mate. 382 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,480 What? 383 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:39,960 Hmm? 384 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,960 - Er... - You broke my hat? - Yeah. 385 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,040 Er, it's just, I was putting it up and it went, you know, agh... 386 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,880 - You piece of shit! - I... 387 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,880 - You destroyed my dream! - Your dreams were flimsily constructed. 388 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:56,280 - OK, it's definitely not going here now! - Don't take it off! - Grr! - NO! 389 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,280 - His feet! - That's your fault. 390 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,000 - He's going in the thicket, where he belongs! - Naz! 391 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,560 Don't do anything stupid, or the hat dies! 392 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,880 - Don't do it, Tom! - I will cut your Lego man's head off! 393 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,000 Whoa! 394 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,920 - Be cool. - You be cool! 395 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:14,480 - Let's just talk about this like adults. - I'm talking! Let's talk! 396 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:17,160 - No-one else has to get hurt. - Oh, yeah? 397 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,560 - Ha! - Er... - TOM LAUGHS 398 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,480 - Not his hat! - You've got something I want, I've got something you want. 399 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:27,160 - OK, come on, we'll do an exchange. - OK. - OK, on three. - No funny business. 400 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,360 - One... - One... 401 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,280 - ..two... - ..two... 402 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,600 - ..three! - Ah! BOTH SHOUT 403 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,200 ARGH! 404 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,720 - Ah! Oh! You decapitated him! - You destroyed my hat! 405 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,360 TOM WHIMPERS You've got cardboard on your hands! 406 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,440 THEY GRUNT AND ROAR 407 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,560 Ha-ha! You know what's coming now, boy! 408 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,560 - Not the face! - Ha-ha! - Not the face! 409 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,520 You draw a cock on my face, I'll draw a cock on yours! 410 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:56,200 Oh, look at the little balls! Look at the little balls! Ha-ha! 411 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,640 Who's the child now?! 412 00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,160 - Guys? - What? Sophie! 413 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,440 This is... 414 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,880 And at Number 1, Tom draws a cock on Naz's face 415 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,280 whilst dressed as a dragon! 416 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,200 Er, I was just seeing if you were coming to my party. 417 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,080 - Er, well, I wasn't invited. - Everyone was. 418 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,440 Er, not me. 419 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,840 Well, your invite's right here. 420 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,800 Um, but I can see that you guys are busy, so I'll just... 421 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,840 No! No, no, no! ONESIE TEARS 422 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,640 - TOM SCREAMS - Um... 423 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,240 HE GIBBERS 424 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,080 Is that your package? 425 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,440 NERVOUS LAUGHTER 426 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:42,800 NAZ LAUGHS 427 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,760 BOTH SCREAM 428 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,920 NEWS JINGLE PLAYS 429 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,320 'Coming up, toilet door problems escalate...' 430 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,520 - Please don't watch. - Probably watch? - We should watch. 431 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,240 '..Naz invents popcorn trousers...' 432 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,640 YEAH! 433 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,720 '..flatmates finally sort the mail...' 434 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,160 '..and our auction rival makes contact.' 435 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:11,040 It's just... You know, I would've really liked that cut-out. 436 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,160 This is Flat News.