1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,720 KNOCK ON DOOR 2 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:07,000 - Where's the rock? - What rock? 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,520 - The spare key rock. - I don't know what you're talking about. 4 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,320 The spare key rock - so when I forget my key, 5 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,160 I can use the key inside the spare key rock. 6 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,040 - Oh, Jonathan Rock. - Yeah, goes next to the phone. 7 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:18,920 - Yeah, I threw him in the bin. - What?! No moving the rock! 8 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,400 - It's a rule. - I wanted to return him to his natural habitat. 9 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,400 - What, the bin? - No, but from the bin he goes into the landfill, 10 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,960 then into the ground, into the sea 11 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,920 and then he gives birth to a pebble. It's the rock cycle, Tom! 12 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,840 Oh, it's going to be down in the dumpster. 13 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,720 The phrase is, "down in the dumps" 14 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,280 and I'm sure Jonathan will feel better soon. 15 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,600 DOOR CLOSES 16 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,880 - Have you got your key? - Mine are inside. 17 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,360 Don't we normally keep a spare around here? 18 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:43,680 TOM SIGHS 19 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:51,360 This is Flat News - 20 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,000 as flatmates move to a sixth minute of being locked out 21 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,200 without their keys, wallets or phones. 22 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,600 - I've got a phone. - Oh, do you? - Oh, it's dead. 23 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,560 The headlines... 24 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,840 Naz has been ignoring my flat rules. 25 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:12,680 No throwing! No eating my food! 26 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,160 No throwing my phone! 27 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,600 Don't you ever, ever use my mug! 28 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,480 - It's just a mug. - Scum, you're absolute scum! 29 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,440 Now to Naz with the sport. 30 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,920 Thanks, Tom. 31 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,600 Antique value estimation fans 32 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,560 prepare for the showpiece fixture 33 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,440 of the season, as Tom plays Naz 34 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,040 in the Antiques Roadshow Cup this evening. 35 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,000 Of course, Naz won controversially 36 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,920 last year with a remarkably 37 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,440 precise guess. 38 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,920 How about £5,000? 39 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,840 - About £5,000. - Oh! - Yes! - What?! 40 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,800 Her daughter Michelle will be a happy bunny. 41 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,640 Our daughter Michelle is going to be a happy bunny. 42 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,800 - Did you Sky+ this? - No, I didn't. Tom. 43 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,080 Yes, you did. 44 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,720 Very much looking forward to the 45 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,080 Roadshow if we ever get back in. 46 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,920 In lift talk, pressing concerns that 47 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,200 beautiful new neighbour 48 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,240 Sophie might think that 49 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,400 I hate the homeless. 50 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,440 There's a couple of guys sleeping rough outside 51 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,360 the office at the moment and we're having a massive party tonight... 52 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:04,880 I will gladly kick them out the way. 53 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,000 ..to raise money for the local shelter. 54 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,800 Hmmm. 55 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,480 Finally, busybody neighbour Aoife 56 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:13,560 is really annoyed at us 57 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,080 because we didn't turn up to her 58 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:16,360 murder mystery evening. 59 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:20,160 Tom was the murderer. Without him it was just a mystery evening. 60 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:24,320 We didn't catch the murderer. He's still out there, Michael. 61 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:25,800 They're not in. 62 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,680 Just don't want to have to 63 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,880 deal with that. 64 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,440 - Doesn't Aoife have a spare key? - Oh, yeah. 65 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,320 We cold ask her to let us in. 66 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,800 Well, I guess it's either that or rummage round the dumpster. 67 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,040 - Good call. - Yeah. 68 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,280 The race to get back into the flat continues... 69 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:52,840 - Here on I'm Not A Celebrity... - BOTH: - Get Me Into My Flat! 70 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:58,560 I'M A CELEBRITY THEME 71 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,920 - Tom, Naz, good afternoon. - Hello. - Hi. 72 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:12,040 - Haway! - Now, this is the Dumpster Of Doom. 73 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,040 In there is the key to your flat. 74 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,720 - But remember, you won't be alone in there. - Ho-ho! 75 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,840 Remember, if you want to quit just shout, 76 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,880 "I'm not a celebrity, get me into my flat!" 77 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,760 - I'm not a celebrity, get me into my flat! - We haven't even started yet. 78 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,360 Well, you've lost it, you get it. 79 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:26,960 Aye, he's right. Ha-ha! 80 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,760 OK, Naz, you've only got two minutes in there before you vomit. 81 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,680 Get in that stinky bin, pet. 82 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,000 BUZZER BLARES 83 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,240 - NAZ EXHALES - In you go. 84 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,560 Naz, what's in the first bin bag? 85 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,480 I'm going for it! 86 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,120 HE SCREAMS 87 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:52,000 - Oh, is that couscous? - No, that's maggots. 88 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,600 - Yeah, you're right. - Ha-ha! 89 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,080 - I like his couscous. - I know. 90 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,800 I've had one mouthful... 91 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,920 ..two mouthfuls... 92 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,320 three mouthfuls now. 93 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,200 Naz, you're doing the wrong challenge! The key! 94 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,800 Oh, yeah, all right. 95 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,640 - Crack onto that second bin bag. - OK! 96 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,040 OK, next bin bag. 97 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,520 NAZ SCREAMS 98 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,440 Oh, no! Dirty nappies. 99 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,920 And a face full of bin juice. 100 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,680 THEY LAUGH 101 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,960 - Oh, I love you. - I love you. 102 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,160 - OK, I'm coming up for air. - No, you're not! 103 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,720 - Get that key! - Yeah, get that key, you scummy bastard. 104 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,920 Hang on, I think I see our bin bag. 105 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,520 Ha-ha, yes! 106 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,880 NAZ SCREAMS 107 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,760 Oh, no, it's Mikey's tissues! 108 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,320 Oh, they're all sticky... 109 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,880 and a bit salty. 110 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,640 Who has salty snot? 111 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:53,760 THEY GROAN 112 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,600 Hang on, I see the rock. I see the rock! 113 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,760 - Hurry up! - I've got the key! I've got the key! 114 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,960 - Yes, I got the key! - Whoo! 115 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,680 And a free potato. 116 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,840 I mean, that is weird, but woo-hoo! 117 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,920 - BOTH: - Roadshow! 118 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,080 No, no throwing! 119 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,280 It's gone in the drain! This is why there's a rule. 120 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,600 Well, maybe there should be a rule about not dropping 121 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,520 - things like a little old bitch. - That would be impossible to enforce. 122 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,320 - Oh, you're such a control freak. - I'm not a control freak, OK? 123 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,200 - I eat Revels. - After you've weighed them and removed the coffee ones. 124 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,640 You'd marry control if you could, 125 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,560 except it would probably leave you because you're too controlling. 126 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,560 - OK, stay outside without me. - Look, look... - But don't come running to me 127 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,400 - when you get bummed by street bandits. - Street bandits aren't real. 128 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,480 Oh, they are! They're real and they are bumming tonight. 129 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,880 - Hello? - Hi, yeah, this is Tom from flat 27. 130 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,000 Can you buzz me in, please? 131 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,560 You killed my cat! 132 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,200 Not deliberately. 133 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,320 Could you buzz me in, please? 134 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:59,960 - Didn't you kill that old lady's cat? - Well... 135 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,240 She loved that cat. 136 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,480 Hello? 137 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,120 HE MIMICS PHIL: Oh, hello, it's Phil from flat nine. 138 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,320 - Can you buzz me in, please? - Ahem. 139 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,280 - That's not cool, man. - Hey, Phil, can you let me in? - No. 140 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,360 Street bandits! 141 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,800 I know your game. 142 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,680 Why are you in the hedge? 143 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,480 Jesus Christ, Carl! I thought you were a street bandit. 144 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,920 Bruv, street bandits don't start bumming until about eight. 145 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,160 Whoa, wow, bruv! Whoa, you stink! 146 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,200 What's going on? 147 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,360 Tom's left me outside because I keep breaking his rules. 148 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,080 That's dark, man. 149 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,880 Anyway, have some of this. 150 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,200 Oh, porky beef! 151 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,840 - Hang on, is it cool for me to eat this? - Not really. 152 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,320 It's just some little dickhead's. 153 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,200 Look, man, I really need to get back in the flat. 154 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,600 An unshackled man doesn't return to the prison from where he escaped. 155 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,000 - You smell that? - My pongy bin smell? 156 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,760 No, the smell of freedom! 157 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,800 From tyranny, from oppression, 158 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,200 from he who's denied you your basic human rights for so long. 159 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,600 - Like no throwing red meat. - Like no throwing red meat. 160 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,200 - I like the sound it makes. - He likes the sound it makes. 161 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:23,400 That is your basic human right given to you by Zeus. 162 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:27,720 - Zeus? - Son of Cronus. And no one will take that away. 163 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:34,000 - No-one! - Yeah! - I mean, Tom does have a point. 164 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,320 But it's time to set yourself free. 165 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,680 Show him that you can live without his rules. 166 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:44,840 Right here, outside, where the only laws are the laws of nature, bruv. 167 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:50,000 - What are they? - Respect the majesty and silent beauty of the elements. 168 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,000 Bury your shits. 169 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,040 Any more? 170 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,400 Don't fuck animals. 171 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,440 That's a good rule. 172 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:05,960 I live outside now. 173 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,480 DOG BARKS 174 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,280 Greetings, fellow outdoorsman. 175 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,240 - Don't fuck it! - Yep! 176 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,880 I'm Naz, I've served with the Boy Scouts, 177 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,200 I've also served in restaurants. 178 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,240 Once I ran to Burger King in a storm 179 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,440 wearing only flip-flops and a Swatch. 180 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,520 Every year thousands of people get locked out 181 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,800 and I'm going to show you how to survive in one of the most 182 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,160 dangerous, unforgiving environments in Britain. 183 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,440 - Outside the flat. - HORN BEEPS 184 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,400 Sorry! 185 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,960 I'm going to be taking locked-out situations to the breaking point. 186 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,600 Nettles, nettles, nettles. 187 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,720 Exploring the most unforgiving of terrain. 188 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,240 I'll be showing you how to survive... 189 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,960 Just like that, bin tea. 190 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:03,000 ..by using anything and everything at your disposable. 191 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,400 This used to be a vegetable sack. 192 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,440 Now, it's a hat sack. That's factor 50. 193 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,760 Giving you survival tips which could save your life. 194 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,360 Passing out is dangerous because you're passed out. 195 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,600 Showing you how easy it is to make the wrong decision. 196 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,320 That is not good water! 197 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,880 This is not food. 198 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:26,200 As well as letting you in on some of my unorthodox methods. 199 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,440 Now, it may look like somewhere good to camp, 200 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,760 but actually these logs are good for just throwing. 201 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,800 Surviving alongside some of the most dangerous wildlife on the planet. 202 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,160 HE SCREAMS 203 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,000 Termites! Oh, God! 204 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,400 They're on me, they're on me! 205 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,840 And pushing myself to the absolute limit. 206 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,960 Now, I have to find shelter, and fast, to protect 207 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,720 myself from the awesome power of the elements. 208 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,800 Oh, hey, Tom. This is my new place. 209 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,720 I've got my own phone, that's my piss - I assume. 210 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:16,160 - Get out of the way, I'm ringing Mikey. - Please, no rules here. 211 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,560 Bin tea? 212 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:24,520 Mikey, yeah, listen, where the hell are you? We're locked out, OK? 213 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,280 I don't care... 214 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,400 Sorry, do you take gravel? 215 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,240 That was my last change! 216 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,800 You deserve to be living out here. You are scum, scum! 217 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,920 Hey, Sophie! How are you? No... 218 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,400 Oh, no, he's not... He's not homeless! 219 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,760 That was Sophie! TOM GROANS 220 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,040 - You look like a smelly hobo! - Oh, don't be so hobo-phobic. 221 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,600 You can't live in a phone box. 222 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,400 Oh, here we go, Geoffrey Stalin, spitting out his rules again. 223 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,560 You know what? I'm doing just fine without you. 224 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,800 Looks like it! How was your potato, by the way? 225 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,760 - Free from your tyranny. - Oh, you want to be free, Naz? 226 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,960 OK, here's a rule, no Naz in the flat. 227 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,160 - What? - Yeah, yeah, you're kicked out. - You can't do that. 228 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,520 I just did, mate, for ever. You are not coming back. 229 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,680 One hour from now, I'm going to be sat on the sofa by myself with 230 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,680 a nice soya hot chocolate eating a Bakewell. 231 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,640 I ate your Bakewells. 232 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,880 Never eat my food! 233 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,960 Oh, I tell you what else I'm going to be doing - 234 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,000 I'm going to be watching the Antiques Roadshow. 235 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,360 Well, I'll be watching it, too, on the pavement with 236 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:30,040 an iced bin tea, in front of Currys! 237 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,600 With no sound! Animal! 238 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,720 I can't believe he kicked me out. 239 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,440 What do you think I should do, Potatom? 240 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:51,000 Hmm, you're right. We need to find somewhere to live. 241 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,480 This week we're in the leafy area of outside the flat, 242 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:04,280 helping this contemporary couple find the shelter of their dreams. 243 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:09,040 Naz, an unemployed ham enthusiast, and Potatom, a potato, have been 244 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:13,560 together for nearly two hours, since their special relationship began. 245 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,240 We met in a bin, actually, so... 246 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,800 We'll be looking at a wide range of alternatives outside the flat, 247 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,400 but which option will catch Potatom's crudely drawn-on eyes? 248 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,440 Ideally, we'd want some sort of protection from the elements, 249 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,040 just in case, you know, we ever 250 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,080 decided to settle down and have chips. 251 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,480 Ha-ha, talk about a sweet potato! 252 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:39,000 But now it's full spud ahead with our property search. 253 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,960 Our first location is this timber-framed ground floor condo 254 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,360 with stunning waterside view - 255 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,040 complete with an open-plan terrace to enjoy alfresco cocktails 256 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,560 and a rich, rich history. 257 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,600 But is it right for our fledgling couple, who want to starch a family? 258 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,360 Naz is clearly impressed with the versatility 259 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,760 of the entertaining space. 260 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:06,720 But no protection from the elements means concerns from Potatom, 261 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:10,320 who needs to be stored in a cool, dry place. 262 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:14,480 It's a no to the bench, but will our second property impress? 263 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:18,800 This rustic Victorian cottage is overflowing with charm. 264 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:23,720 With nine en-suite bathrooms and a thriving local arts scene, 265 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:28,000 let's hope Potatom finds this property appealing. 266 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,600 Now, Naz and Potatom aren't the only ones interested, 267 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,800 and with its welcoming entrance and large communal area, 268 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:38,880 they'll have trouble keeping this property to themselves. 269 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,720 - How is this a cottage? - You don't want to know. 270 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,400 It's a no to the toilet. 271 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,840 Our carbohydrate couple have to keep chipping away. 272 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,320 Our final property is this detached, 273 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:53,720 recently converted, former gallery space with retractable roof. 274 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,480 With its modern functional style, 275 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,560 it comes with its own furniture and fittings. 276 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,200 Will our couple like the skip, 277 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,360 or will they find it pomme de terrible? 278 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,920 This is great. 279 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:08,760 I love rubbish, plus it's a bit like living in a convertible tank. 280 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:11,920 Oh, stop it! 281 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,800 Ha-ha, no! 282 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:20,440 - Are you all right, mate? - Yes, what? - New around here, are you? 283 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,400 - My name's Jules. - Naz. 284 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:27,040 - This is Potatom. - OK. 285 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,040 Eh, you got shelter for tonight? 286 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,360 We thought we'd just set up camp here. 287 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,160 It's a skip, mate. 288 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,280 Well, a former gallery space, but pot-ay-tom, pot-ah-tom. 289 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,440 Look, why don't you just come with me? We've got a place up the road. 290 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,120 - Really, can I bring...? - No. 291 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,800 HE SIGHS 292 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,160 Well, I hope you're happy, Tom, because you ruined what would have 293 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,480 been some stunning interactive living-room theatre. 294 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,120 I'm sorry, OK? Can I just get the key? 295 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,440 You were supposed to be the schizophrenic monocle vet 296 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,040 with ties to Nazi Gold - Joseph Gerbils. 297 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,600 Nobody was there to investigate the mysterious Egyptian relic. 298 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,480 Nobody went into the caves with General Jick-Fitzwell. 299 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,400 - Right... - Naz was supposed to be the Chinese ambassador Ubin Fartin. 300 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:20,160 But was he there to reveal the forged Faberge egg? 301 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,840 No, because the only eggs present were my famous Scotch eggs, 302 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,920 which nobody ate because the whole evening was a write-off. 303 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:32,120 Do you have any idea how much dip I had to throw into the street? 304 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,520 - No, I... - Your flatmate Michael was there because, unlike you, 305 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:40,480 he's a gentleman and a convincing French countess. 306 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,240 Look, I'm sorry, OK? 307 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,080 I promise, if you give me the key, 308 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,360 we'll have a murder mystery party tomorrow. 309 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,960 - Oh, that would be grand. - Yeah? - Yeah. 310 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,760 OK, great, so can I just get the... 311 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,520 - One thing I'll say... - No, no... - He's not an out and out Nazi, 312 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,720 - but he likes them blonde, if you know what I mean? - There we go. Yeah, cheers. 313 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:02,400 If you could wear the monocle and get a little gerbil. 314 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,280 I'M A CELEBRITY THEME 315 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,800 OK, Tom, for this trial, all you've got to do is use your key to... 316 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,640 Bastard. 317 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,720 HE EXHALES 318 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,360 CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS 319 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:31,960 You're looking at somewhere in the region of round about £1,500. 320 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,320 Basically what I said. 321 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:40,160 Honestly, I ate the whole traffic cone. 322 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,440 Yeah, you're weird. 323 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,280 Hey, you've got a bin-spresso machine. 324 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,640 Maybe later I'll make myself a binny latte. 325 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,120 Sure, there are no rules here. 326 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,160 Cool. 327 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,600 I've been welcomed into the fold by a tribe of hunter-gatherers. 328 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,360 They're really inspiring. 329 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,840 Like me, they've left their homes to escape 330 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,840 the petty rules of their dickhead flatmate. 331 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,680 - What? - Just saying it's really cool to meet other people 332 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,760 - who've chosen not to live in their home. - You've got a home? 333 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,760 Well, technically Mikey owns it, but I am supposed to pay rent. 334 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,320 It sucks, though. If you met Tom, you'd know what I mean. 335 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,440 He doesn't let me use his mug, throw, or eat, his food. 336 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:20,120 - I'm glad I chose this. - You've chosen this? 337 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,160 Well, you guys get it. Living inside is just shit - 338 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,760 like when you're all hot because the heating's all turned up 339 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:29,440 and you can't get out the sofa because you've had too much really nice chocolate, 340 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,760 and you can't reach the other chocolate because you're just too comfortable. 341 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,160 You guys know what I'm saying. 342 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:40,160 - No? - I think we better teach you a lesson. 343 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,280 Oh, shit, street bandits. 344 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,720 Oh, shit! Oh, shit! 345 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,560 - So its value... - £2,000. 346 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,360 - About £2,000. - Whoa! 347 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,760 Bang on! Bang on! Did you... Did you see? 348 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,880 HE SIGHS 349 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,320 I'm coming to get you. 350 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,520 This week we're helping this regretful pedant 351 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,240 find his best friend. 352 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,760 Naz? 353 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,480 But will he be able to find him before the Antiques Roadshow ends? 354 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:30,400 Oh, look, he's close. Talk about a couch potato. 355 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,560 So essentially it's the classic catch-22 of free-market economics. 356 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,720 Just get it over with. 357 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,800 You lose your flat because you can't pay your rent and then you can't get 358 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,160 - a job because you don't have a home. - Oh, stop toying with me and do it. 359 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:45,040 - Naz. - Tom, help me! 360 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,720 - Street bandits. - Your friend's very confused. 361 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,440 - Shut up, you bum-crazy gutter monster. - Whoa, whoa, Naz, look. 362 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,640 - Oh, Potatom. - Yeah, we've come to take you home. 363 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,920 Oh, you saved me. 364 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:02,480 - Sorry for being so bossy. - I'm sorry I threw steak at your face. 365 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,240 I promise to respect your rules, man. 366 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:09,200 Some of them are a bit obsessive - some of them. Let's go home. 367 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,000 What about Potatom? 368 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,320 You could bring him, but... 369 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,000 ..maybe it's time to let him go. 370 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,480 You're right. It's time to set you free, little man. 371 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,120 - Let's go. - Hey! 372 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:33,320 Have you forgotten you called me a bum-crazy gutter monster? 373 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,960 Ah, Naz is very sorry he called you those homophobic slurs. 374 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,400 - Hobo-phobic. - Just shhh! 375 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,840 But I think we can make it up to you. 376 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,640 Oh, Tom, this is amazing of you to throw a party for the homeless. 377 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,160 Well, you know, an Antiques Roadshow-themed party 378 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,080 - just seemed relevant. - Sure. 379 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,120 It's definitely a sweet thing to do. 380 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,960 Oh, I've got this one, I've got this one! 381 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,920 That is an original Thomas Best of London, 382 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,240 all brass-mounted, enamel dials. 383 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,400 - Now, I'm going to go for 17.5K. - THEY EXHALE 384 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,960 It would be in the order of £15-£20,000. 385 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,800 - Go, Team Hobo! - Don't, don't call us that. 386 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,760 - Hobo United! - That's not better. 387 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,560 - I'll work on it. - Can me. - Whoa, whoa, guys, no throwing, please. 388 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,720 That's one of Tom's flat rules. So can we please respect that? 389 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,320 That's all right. I'm chilled. 390 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,760 - Sure? - Yeah, yeah, he's just having fun. Can me. 391 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,160 HE SCREAMS 392 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:34,640 I may not have followed the rule, 393 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,560 but it doesn't matter. That's going to bruise 394 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,240 but it doesn't matter. I just care about the homeless. 395 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,920 On that note, Tom, I've really got to go. 396 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,400 I've got an early start tomorrow - 397 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,880 I'm volunteering down at the refugee centre. 398 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,400 Well, we should get some of those guys down here for some 399 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,080 - Bargain Hunt or something. - Yeah. 400 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,840 - Bye. - Oh, see you later. Thanks for coming. 401 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,560 OK, probably just start wrapping this up now. 402 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,360 You are just eating that... That does say Tom, doesn't it? 403 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,320 So you can put that down. Yeah, and that. 404 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,880 Probably just put that back in that. 405 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:08,680 Oh, you're just dipping your fingers in, straight in, are you? 406 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,040 With your fingers. Looks like they haven't been washed 407 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,920 since Thomas Best was making clocks. 408 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,480 Who wants bacon? 409 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,280 Naz, Naz, none of that. No, no! 410 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,080 No! No! No using my mug! 411 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,960 No throwing, no eating my food! You are scum! 412 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,440 Absolute scum!! 413 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,480 Erm, I forgot my phone. 414 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:43,400 Coming up... Naz invents a new cocktail. 415 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,960 Bintini, anyone? 416 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,360 Mikey returns home to a surprise. 417 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,320 I sleep here now. 418 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,120 And flatmates reluctantly make it up to Aoife. 419 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,880 There's been a murder! 420 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,360 THEY SIGH 421 00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,800 I've already done this. 422 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,840 This is Flat News.