[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy evening TV ♪
♪ How did I get
to living it here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ There ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie do bah bah dah ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Alright, now let's try
the A-minor-seventh chord
which is the first finger.
Okay. First fret.
Relax, relax.
First fret, third string.
There you go.
This finger goes there.
That finger..
I almost have it.
If I only had
one more finger.
Alright. Give it a try.
Let's hear it.
[discordant music]
That was very good.
That was very close to music.
Not close enough.
Kimmy, I swear, I'm gonna
learn how to play this thing.
Now, don't forget, starting
The Bracelets was my idea.
That's why
it would be so tragic
to have to replace you.
Kimmy, do me a favor.
Don't help.
Alright, let's uh, let's do
the song "Venus", alright?
Let's do the tune, okay?
You start it.
Go ahead, D.J.,
go ahead.
[discordant music]
Good. That's good.
That's very good.
["Venus" music]
Sing it, kid.
♪ The goddess
on a mountaintop ♪
Oh, lay it down, child.
♪ Is burnin'
like a silver flame ♪
(Jesse)
'Burn it down
to the ground.'
♪ Summit of beauty
and love ♪
Love.
♪ And Venus was her name ♪
♪ Ow she's got it ♪
♪ Yeah baby she's got it ♪
This side is so much
easier to play.
Um, let me try again.
Alright.
[discordant music]
That was beautiful.
'Look, I'm sorry
to cut this short'
but tonight is Joey's
big night. Let's go.
D.J., maybe you should
stay home tonight and practice.
In fact, you may have
to drop out of school.
Kimmy, lighten up.
It's that kind of attitude
that broke up The Go-Go's.
Alright, Danny, listen
to this. I got a new bit.
[imitates Ed Meese]
Hello, Wilbur.
I'm gonna visit
all my friends in prison.
Mr. Ed?
Close. Mr. Ed Meese.
[laughter on recorder]
Joey, you are gonna
be hot tonight.
It's finally
gonna happen, Danny.
I can feel it.
Tonight is my night.
Oh, did I tell you
there's gonna be
a talent scout there from HBO--
Who's looking for talented
young comics for a big special.
Yeah, you might have
mentioned it once or twice
or several hundred
thousand times.
[laughter on recorder]
Got the kid packed up.
She can either spend
the night over at grandma's
or six months in Europe.
- Here.
- Thank you.
I'm sorry you're gonna
miss this, Michelle.
Okay, give me a kiss
for good luck.
[laughter on recorder]
Alright.
Well, this kills me but I think
I'll be supportive for a moment.
Joseph, you're a real funny guy
and you're gonna do
great tonight. Time's up.
[chuckles]
Well, thanks.
I'll be touched for a moment.
Time's up. Alright.
Wish me luck, everybody.
- Good luck!
Tonight is my night. Yes!
Well, we better
get going too.
No, no, no, no.
We can't go yet.
My date hasn't
showed up yet.
I'm so nervous.
Good evening, Jess.
Hello, dear.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
May I say you look
quite lovely this evening?
And may I say you look quite
lovely yourself too, also?
Here you are.
What are you lugging
around a purse for?
Because I have woman things
I need on a date.
Money for a phone call..
...keys to someplace..
...and of course, an orange.
- 'Shall we?'
- Let's.
- Thank you.
- Ah, thank you.
Thank you.
They do make
a lovely couple.
I'll get the panda.
[instrumental music]
The fire goes in
the pan just like that..
and then, voila!
A duck! Ha ha!
- This guy's great.
- Eh.
And now the duck
goes into
the magic box
right over here.
No, no, no.
It's not a microwave.
[laughs]
Th-thank you.
Then..
[audience cheers]
Now, that's entertainment.
What happened
to the duck?
Thank you very much!
Goodnight!
Let's hear it
for the amazing Ed Alonzo.
Come on!
We're gonna be right back
after a short break
with our very own
Joey Gladstone.
- Whoo!
- Yay!
[applause]
This is every comic's dream
following a magician.
The audience
is dying to laugh.
Don't look now
but the guy from HBO
is sitting
right behind you.
My bodyguards.
Joey, break a leg.
Break a leg?
Honey, that means good luck.
Oh. Poke an eye out, Joey.
That's my date, huh?
Thanks, guys.
- Good luck.
Alright, we're back
and it's time for Mr. Fun.
He's wacky, he's zany
as a matter of fact
we consider him part
of the family..
...'cause he expects
to get fed for free.
[laughing]
Wait a minute.
I know that laugh.
Is Phyllis?
Is that Phyllis Diller?
Oh, I love you, Brucie.
Why don't you stand up
and take a bow?
Oh, thank you.
[applause]
I had no trouble
getting up.
I've had things lifted
so many times
I just rise automatically.
[laughter]
Hey, you think
we might be able to get her
up here to tell a few jokes?
I can't. I can't.
No, you can't, you can't.
This is my night.
Please.
Oh, what the heck.
I hate to see
a grown man beg.
I take that back.
I love it.
Let's hear it.
Phyllis Diller!
[cheering]
Well, number one, I should
never have married Fang.
I found that out
at the wedding.
He got down
to the altar and asked
for a blindfold
and cigarette.
Then he paid
the organist 20 bucks
to play
"What Kind Of Fool Am I?"
Then he tried to get
my garter off over my head.
And he did.
'You wouldn't have believed
the engagement ring.'
He said it was
a square-cut emerald.
It was a Chiclet.
[instrumental music]
So I told Fang,
"I did not lose the bumper.
It's in the back seat."
I can't believe I've
been up here for an hour.
Hour and a half.
I've got to go.
I've got dinner reservations.
And my date is getting cold.
You've been
absolutely great.
(Bruce)
'Phyllis Diller!
Come on! What a treat!'
'Phyllis Diller,
ladies and gentlemen.'
'No, no! Wait, wait!
There's plenty more laughs! I--'
Anyway, you guys know
what ticks me off
more than anything else
in the world?
Have you guys seen
the stuff they're giving away
in cereal boxes? Jeez.
Well, let's hear it
for our own Joey Gladstone!
- Yay!
(Joey)
'Thank you.'
Thank you. Aren't we lucky?
Of all the nights out
of the year Phyllis Diller
picked tonight
to be at this club.
Hey, remember when
you were younger
how whenever your mom
got mad at you
she always
had the final word?
And she could always change
any word she wanted into a verb.
'So it was kind of like'
"Hey, mom,
could I have a cookie?"
"Oh, I'll cookie you."
Thanks a lot.
Hope your tractor starts.
I see some people are here
on dates tonight.
Why is it that when someone
gives your date a compliment
you always
take credit for it
as if you had something
to do with it?
So it's kinda like, uh
"Hey, you know your
girlfriend's really a doll."
"Well, thanks, I made her
at home with my chemistry set."
Wait, would you like to
hear some impressions?
Uh, some current events?
Would you like
to see my bridgework?
[instrumental music]
Joey, are you down here?
(Joey)
'I'm here.'
We were worried. We didn't
hear you come in last night.
Good morning, all.
Is that you
inside that suit?
Indeed it is.
He's been moussing.
Joey, you've never moussed.
Please, call me Joe.
It's more sophisticated,
more grown-uppy.
Uh, excuse me, Joe.
Is there
a punch line to this?
Oh, there's no punch line.
You see, last night
was a revelation.
That big break
is not coming.
I am going to venture
into the business world.
I'm going to get a real job
and make some real money.
I'm starting a whole
new way of life.
But what about your comedy?
D.J., there comes
a point in your life
where you just have to
say to yourself
"I tried and I failed."
I'm just glad
I found this out now
and not when
I'm 46 years old.
Whew!
I am quitting comedy.
Lee Iacocca?
My man.
[instrumental music]
Boy, I'm glad
I took off work today.
Otherwise, I would've
missed a fascinating tour
of every day care center
in the northern bay area.
I know, but once Joey
finds a job
we're gonna lose a baby-sitter.
We've got to find
a great place for Michelle.
We've narrowed it down
to your favorite 803. Here.
Okay, let's switch.
- Here you go.
- Come here, Michelle.
Okay. I liked this place.
"Piggly Wiggly's Fitness
And Day-care Center
specializing
in toddlerobics."
Oh, look at this,
a complimentary sweatband.
Let's see how she likes it.
I'll crank some music.
Alright.
Here we go, Michelle.
Let's try on a sweatband.
Ooh, Arnold Schwarzen-baby.
[upbeat music]
Okay. Alright.
Here we go, Michelle.
Let's work it out.
Work it out.
And go, and up.
'Now go.
Now breathe.'
- 'Now in.'
- 'Now go.'
Now go!
Now go for the burn!
'Now go!
Now go! Now go!'
'Now go! Now up!
Now go!'
Obviously you feel
pretty secure
about those chubby
little legs of yours.
Why don't we just go
with the center
with the nicest people?
- Good thinking.
- Okay.
Come here.
Good afternoon,
gentlemen.
Afternoon, Joe.
How'd it go today?
Two more job offers.
Bank teller
and a stockbroker trainee.
Great. Which one
are you gonna take?
Neither.
The bank job, the bank was
way up on this big hill.
You've got to go
all the way up the hill
back down the hill.
Not my style.
Stockbroker job,
they served me instant coffee.
Enough said?
Excuse me, Mr. Businessman,
but do you realize
you've been offered eight jobs
and you found something wrong
with all eight of them?
Hey, I know
what I'm doing.
I don't wanna rush
into anything.
I'm not gonna make
the same mistake I did
when I got into comedy.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Stephanie.
Want to watch
"Rocky and Bullwinkle"?
[laughs]
No cartoons for me, Steph.
I am going to read
the Wall Street Journal.
Cartoons.
I'm a businessman.
[scoffs]
I miss the old Joey.
So do I.
He's not happy
about giving up comedy.
That's why he keeps
turning down all those jobs.
Joey's really starting
to worry me.
Joey's always worried me.
Here we go,
it goes like this.
♪ Do re mi fa
so la ti do ♪
Try that.
♪ Do re mi fa ♪
♪ No no wrong wrong ♪
I stink!
My hands are too small.
My fingers cramp up.
It's just too hard.
Yes, D.J.,
it is hard at first, but..
How would you like to hear
a story about a little boy?
I have a feeling
I'm gonna hear it
no matter what I say.
Once there was a little boy
who heard
an Elvis Presley record.
The King.
Wonderful story.
It gets better.
This little boy,
he was so inspired
that he hopped
on his bike
he pedaled down
to that pawnshop
traded his bike in
for a guitar.
And that boy..
...he sat in his room,
he practiced day and night
night and day.
Where else could he go?
He had no bike.
Anyway, finally,
one magical day
the music surged
through his body
into his fingertips,
and he could do this.
[guitar solo]
And you know what?
That little boy..
...was me.
Big surprise ending.
So...what do you think?
I think I'll take the guitar
down to the pawn shop
and get myself
a new bike.
I'll never be a Bracelet.
I quit.
D.J., you put The Bracelets
together. You can't quit.
I tried and I failed.
I'm just glad
I figured this out now
and not when I'm 46.
Joey.
Danny!
What's the matter?
We've gotta come up with an idea
to get Joey back into comedy.
Alright.
I like that attitude.
What caused the sudden
change of heart?
Daniel, Joseph
is our friend.
He needs us.
Besides, I hate that
moussy hair of his. Come on.
It's nice of you guys
to come down
and watch me try out
some new tunes this evening.
Kind of strange being here
at the old club.
This place has
barely changed.
Joe, you were here
three days ago.
Right.
Well, welcome
to amateur night.
[applause]
We got magicians,
we got singers
we got comics and by popular
demand, no mimes.
Let's start things off with
the music of Jesse Cochran.
Let's hear it!
Go, Jess! Yeah!
Thank you.
Thanks very much, but, uh..
Actually, there's
been a change in plans.
You see, this evening
I'm going to begin my career
as a stand-up comedian.
Oh, he's gotta be kidding.
I'd like to start off
with a fast impression.
It goes like this..
Uh, hello, Wilbur.
Uh, let's go down and visit
some of my friends in prison.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed Moose!
That's Mr. Ed Meese!
He's stealing my material.
What do you care?
You quit doing comedy.
That's right. I'm just
a businessman enjoying the show.
Why is it, you know, when
you have, like a pretty date
you know, and you say,
"Hey, thank you, man.
I got a chemistry set"?
Hey, if you're gonna
steal my jokes
steal them right,
you yahoo bird.
Do you realize you're
the first comic in history
to heckle his own act?
And what's really
strange is, you know
you know how your mom,
she can change any, uh
Sorry, your mother, your mother.
She can change anything
into, like, an adjective
uh, um, a pronoun..
...a syllable.
- A verb!
She can change,
your mom, your mothers
can change anything
into a verb.
It's like, you know,
it's like, she comes, no, wait.
I come, no,
she comes home
and she says to me--
No, I ask her
I say, "Hey, hey,
mo-mother, hey, mother
I say,
"Hey, mom-mother
"Can I, uh..
You know, "hey,
can I have a cookie?"
and she says, "Ooh, you
want some milk with that?"
Then it's,
"I'll cookie you!"
You're killing my jokes!
This is comedy murder!
Oh, what? You think
you could do better?
This napkin
could do better.
Be my guest, pal.
Alright, fine.
Ladies and gentlemen
what he's trying to say
is that when your mom..
I fell right into your
little trap, didn't I?
Break your legs, buddy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy
styling of Joseph Gladstone.
Alright.
Get out of here.
Jesse Cochran!
Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!
See, what Jesse
was talking about
was, you know, moms
and when you were younger.
My mom used to, used to
chase me around all the time
but she didn't really
chase me with her legs.
She kind of chased me
with her arms.
So it was two propellers
coming at me all the time.
It was like, "You get back here.
You get back here."
I'm just going, "Mom,
you're gonna take off
and I don't think you have
clearance from the tower."
I couldn't outrun my dad.
My dad would start chasing me.
He would start
pulling his belt.
It like he was
starting his hips.
It was, Vrrrr!
"You come back here."
[imitates engine]
"You come back here."
Oh, gosh.
Every time my dad pulled
his belt, he ran faster.
I thought for years, well, maybe
my dad's a riding lawn mower.
I didn't know.
Hey, did you guys ever wake up
first thing in the morning
and you answer the phone
and you sound
just like Elmer Fudd?
So you're like,
"Heh-woe."
And you never admit to the other
person that you just woke up.
We always lie,
and it's like, "Oh, no
I've been up for hours
and hours."
Then you go and you
look in the mirror
and you look like
Elmer Fudd and you're like
"This is worse
than I ever dreamed."
[imitates Elmer]
Oh, come on. Quit it.
Get out of here.
Thanks for
all your help, guys.
- Alright.
- Yeah.
That's where you belong,
up on stage
bringing joy
to total strangers.
Yeah, you're right.
I just get so tired of waiting
for that big break
and the paycheck
that goes with it.
Take one of those jobs.
Why do you think I work
as an exterminator?
You think I play
rock 'n' roll music
to support
my bug-killing habit?
You're right, Jess.
I'm gonna find something
that I could do at home.
That way, I could still
watch the girls
make a few bucks,
and still do my act at night.
Ah, tonight...ha-ha!
Tonight was my night.
Everything worked out great
and we all lived
happily ever after.
Thank you
and goodnight, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, hold it. Whoa.
Not so fast.
You want a hug, don't you?
Not unless I'm choking
on a chicken bone.
No. It seems we have a problem
with one of my little nieces.
We do?
Jesse told me
when you quit comedy
D.J. quit playing the guitar.
She did?
Apparently the kid
looks up to you
for some strange reason.
She does?
And you know
what to do about it.
I do?
- You do.
I do.
You see? He did.
Didn't he?
[knock on door]
D.J.?
D.J.
Joey, this isn't
what it looks like.
It looks like you're
watching David Letterman.
Okay. It is
what it looks like.
What's up?
Well, Deej..
I just wanted to tell you
what happened tonight.
Should we go someplace
else so we don't wake Steph?
Are you kidding? The kid
slept through Johnny Carson.
Not that I was watching it.
Oh, no.
Well, D.J., guess what?
I got back up
on stage tonight
I did my stand-up,
and I was great.
But I thought you quit.
Well, I did but I think
I was just frustrated
and looking for
the easy way out.
Oh, I get it.
Jesse told you
I quit the guitar
and now you're here
to talk me out of it.
So I guess I can skip
the Tortoise and the Hare story?
I'd appreciate it.
I didn't quit
just because of you.
I quit because I stink.
D.J., how do you know
you stink?
You've only
been playing a week.
But if you
keep practicing
you might
get really good at it.
But if you quit now,
you may never know.
He's right, D.J. Oops.
What are you doing up?
I'm not up.
I'm talking in my sleep.
D.J., one more thing.
Giving up isn't your style.
You put The Bracelets together.
I mean, you picked
the name of the group.
D.J., you get things done.
'The D.J. I know
wouldn't give up'
just 'cause
it's the easy way out.
Goodnight, girls.
Goodnight, Joe.
Call me Joey.
Really?
You're Joey again?
[imitates Bullwinkle]
That's correct,
my little friends.
So nightie night night. Hmm.
He's back. Joey's back.
[sighs]
♪ The goddess
on the mountaintop ♪
♪ Burnin' like
a silver flame ♪
Very nice, D.J.,
very nice.
♪ Ow she's got it ♪
♪ Baby she's got it ♪♪
[theme music]