[instrumental music]
Nine...ten!
Okay, ready or not,
here I come!
- Here I am.
- Michelle, come here.
Now, we're gonna have to have
a little chat, you and I.
See, the name of the game
is, "Hide And Go Seek."
You're playing
"Hide And Say, Here I Am."
- Capisce?
- Capisce.
Fine...let's play again,
but this time
I'll hide and you come
seek me, okay? You okay?
So you count to three.
Cover your eyes, cover your..
No, no peeking! No peeking!
Alright, ready?
(Jesse)
'Alright, count!'
One, two
fvee, four, five.
Here I am!
I win again.
Capisce?
Capisce.
[gibberish]
[Michelle giggling]
[John Stamos singing
"Full House" theme song]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And your all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doooby doo baa ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[Stephanie sighs]
D.J., if it's not right
by now, put on a hat!
Stephanie, today's my first day
at junior high school
and I wanna look perfect.
Wait.
Almost.
There! Quick, spray!
Alright.
All over.
Keep spraying.
Get every inch.
Alright.
Perfect!
Very natural.
Finally, I'm going to a school
that doesn't have a sandbox.
How can you be so happy?
This is the first time
we won't be at the same school!
Aren't you gonna
miss me like crazy?
Stephanie, try to understand.
You are a child!
I'm a young adult.
And starting today,
we live in different worlds.
We don't even live
in different rooms.
Please, don't remind me!
Come on, Deej.
Stay at my school.
I need my big sister
to stick up for me.
What if some kid calls me
a...lameoid zombie dog?
I don't know, bite 'em.
Look, I didn't have
a big sister
to stick up for me
and I did fine!
And so will you.
But when I get to junior high,
you'll be in high school.
When I get to high school,
you'll be in college.
When I get to college..
...you'll be working
at McDonald's.
Mr. Avalos, Jesse and I
are thrilled that the ad agency
has assigned us
to your account.
Extremely thrilled, sir.
Yeah.
We have some exciting ideas
about the motor-oil campaign.
Extremely exciting ideas, sir.
[doorbell ringing]
You get the door. Don't worry.
I'll say everything twice.
Great.
Hello! Wait, let me guess.
I know why you're here.
You couldn't get through
the day without
a good morning kiss, right?
Oh, actually Danny needed
a ride to work
but as long as I'm here--
Oh, have mercy!
This early?
I hope you brushed.
Kimmy, here's a wild idea.
This year why doesn't D.J. pick
you up on the way
to school, huh?
No, can't do.
My dad eats his breakfast
in his underwear.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
Goodbye, sir.
- What happened, Joseph?
- Jess, it's all set.
We meet Mr. Avalos at 10 a.m.
at the Cloverdale Country Club.
He wants us to pitch
the campaign
while we play golf!
Yes!
Golf? No, Jo, no.
I'm not playing golf, uh-huh.
I'm sorry, Joseph.
Golf is for little old ladies.
- I play golf!
- And hot young babes.
[laughing]
What?
You can't play golf, can you?
- Please, I can play golf.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
Folks, if there's one thing
I could do, it's play golf.
And when the last time
I was playing golf..
...I stepped up to the tee,
hit the ball, bada bing
right past the windmill
into the little clown's mouth.
Girls, I got your lunches!
Dad, we're right behind you!
Oh, well, here are your lunches.
Mr. Tanner, wake up.
In junior high,
the cool kids buy their lunch.
If you wanna be a good dad,
give her a bag of cash.
Here, D.J.,
buy yourself some lunch
And make some new friends.
You guys are gonna have
such a great time.
Junior high was when I got
my first boyfriend
my first slow dance
my first slow kiss.
And then I woke up,
and it was all a dream.
- Goodbye, Dad. See you later.
- Bye-bye. Have fun.
Wait for me.
I go too.
Hold on,
you little Sesame Streaker.
You don't start nursery school
till next year.
But Michelle, you can practice
with the real school lunch.
No cookies?
Well, I'm going now..
...the only Tanner
left in my whole school.
- Steph, it's gonna be--
- No, really.
It's a beautiful thing.
Honey, honey..
I know you're a little scared,
but trust me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
So I guess, I shouldn't even
bother with a phony cough?
No.
(Jesse)
Have a good day at school, kid.
Knock 'em dead.
(Joey)
'Have fun, sweetie. Bye.'
The only Tanner.
[sighs]
Well, now what?
[indistinct chatter]
But why do you like that?
Look out, scrub.
[sighs]
These new kids are so tiny.
They're embryonic.
[all laughing]
- D.J.?
- Kimmy?
Don't ever leave my side again.
That kid has a moustache!
These people,
they're, like, totally mature.
Where are we, The Young
And The Restless Junior High?
Let me see your schedule.
We only have one class together,
sixth-period Spanish.
Great, the only time
we're together
we can't speak English.
- D.J., Gibbler, hi!
- Hi!
Do we know you?
Duh, we only went
to school together
for the past six years.
Kathy Santoni!
(both together)
Kathy Santoni?
You grew up.
Big time.
Pretty intense summer!
Okay, here's what
I found out so far..
All the cute guys
take metal shop
and everyone makes out
after school
on the football field.
Everyone?
Well...maybe not everyone.
[bell ringing]
[girls giggling]
Well...I guess we gotta go.
I might go back
to the sixth grade.
Stephanie really needs me.
I play golf, too.
No, Michelle,
you sit right here
and watch Uncle Jesse
get a golf lesson first.
Okay, babe?
Got it, dude.
[laughing]
Thanks for the clothes.
If the sun goes down,
we could play
by the light on my pants.
Hey, we're doing this
to impress the client.
How, by burning out his retinas?
Get your mind off your pants.
Watch my swing.
Right.
That's it?
That's the whole thing?
Piece of cake!
Watch the kid take care
of business here.
[clears throat]
[humming]
Jess?
Elvis never made
one golf movie.
- Alright, here we go.
- Let's go.
Uh-oh!
Yeah, that was great.
You see, uh, very few golfers
can drive a lawn that far.
Here, come on,
I'll help you out.
- Alright, give me a hand.
- Okay.
[clears throat]
I hope this is golf-related.
If it wasn't,
would I be doing it?
- Alright, here we go.
- Here we go.
- Ball off your left heel.
Remember, always keep
your head down.
Always keep
the head down. Good.
- Bend your knees.
- Bend the knees.
- Keep your head down.
- Head down.
- Right elbow in.
- Head down.
- Sorry.
Now, bring the club back slowly.
Club back slowly.
Oh, sorry. Head down.
- Whack and follow through.
You're ready to try one
for yourself?
No, I wanna play like this
for 18 holes. Get off!
Get you something to hit.
- Nice, easy target.
- Easy target.
Here we go.
[Jesse sniffles]
Daddy'd be mad.
Not if Michelle be quiet.
My turn.
I'm good.
See how she kept her head down?
Shut up!
[indistinct chatter]
Over here! I saved you a seat.
- Thanks. My name's--
- Not you, scrub.
The seat's taken.
Oh, here comes Mrs. Agbabian.
Good way to lose your lunch.
[laughs]
Young lady,
keep the aisle clear.
[whistles]
That will be enough of that!
Now, find a seat.
That's a very snappy outfit.
[all laughing]
(female #1)
'Cute outfit.'
[all laughing]
Hi, how's it going?
(woman on phone)
'At the tone,
Pacific Daylight Time'
'will be...12:14, exactly.'
[beep]
'At the tone,
Pacific Daylight Time..'
[sighs]
My beautiful lawn..
...hacked into pieces.
Another senseless act
of backyard violence.
Gopher!
A gopher did this?
[laughing]
- Hello!
- Hi.
Two gopher.
Oh, you mean, two golfers?
No, one golfer, one gopher.
[laughs]
You were, uh, hitting golf balls
in my back yard?
I swear, I didn't hit one ball.
Took us six hours just
to play nine holes.
Tell him your score, Jess.
I got us the motor oil account.
The client loved my ideas.
- Oh, that's great, Jess.
- Thank you.
Tell him your score, Jess.
- I shot a hundred.
- Jess?
And 50.
- Jess?
- Nine. You happy?
Actually, I'm very sorry.
Sorry that I don't have it
on videotape!
[laughs]
- Hi, Deej.
- Hi, guys.
Hey, how was your first day
of school?
Oh, it was your
typical first day.
I got my classes, I went
to 'em, and now I'm home.
Oh, dad, would you mind tomorrow
if I dressed a little more
junior highish?
Oh, no. Hey, I understand.
You wanna be hip,
like your rad dad.
Yeah, that's it.
Thanks, Dad, you're the best.
Second grade is so cool!
- Hey, great! What happened?
- Everything!
You happen to be looking
at the Room Seven
official fish feeder!
(all)
Whoo-hoo!
- And Uncle Jesse?
- 'What?'
Now that D.J.'s finally gone
when people say,
"Hey, Tanner".
I know they're talking to me.
- Alright, kid.
- 'Way to go.'
And daddy, you'll love this.
One of the shrimpy little
first-graders asked me
"Where's the cafeteria?"
I said
"Can't you read that big sign
that says, cafeteria?"
And the kid says,
"No, I can't read."
They can't even read!
What a great day!
(both)
Ew!
Hmm..
Well, it's almost time
for school.
Do you think
we look old enough?
How old do we wanna look?
Old enough to keep me out of
that phone booth during lunch.
At least you got to eat.
I had to give my lunch
to a girl with a tattoo.
We could use
a little more mascara.
Yeah.
Assume the position.
Alright, a makeup party.
I wanna look
just like Superstar Barbie.
Chill, child.
You are way too young.
I want makeup.
Here, Michelle, you can put on
a little lipstick.
And I'm too young?
How rude!
(Danny)
'Let's go, girls.
It's getting late.'
Uh, we're coming, Dad!
Well..
...how do we look?
Cheap.
Alright!
- Kimmy!
- Wait.
- Kimmy?
- Call me Kimberly.
Joseph...it's finally happened.
He's cleaning liquid soap.
Don't be silly. I'm just
cleaning my rubber gloves.
Danny, there's no shame
in therapy.
Bye, see you later.
- Bye, guys.
- See you.
- You should--
- Wait a minute.
Hold it right there.
Dad, we have to get to school.
You have to get past me first.
You said I could look
a little more junior highish.
Where is this junior high?
Caesars Palace?
You may go to school.
I guess, we're not as old
as we thought we were.
Are we, now?
I'll see you at school, Deej.
So long, boys.
Dad, before you say anything
you were not at school yesterday
and you did not see
the other girls.
D.J., I don't care
about the other girls.
My daughter
is not going to school
dressed like Jessica Rabbit.
Uncle Jesse, Joey,
you're from this century.
Tell him he's wrong.
Fine, I'll go tie some bows
in my hair
put on my Garanimals
and go skipping off
to school!
I'll be daddy's little girl
forever.
Not forever!
Just until you're my age!
Alright, boys. Let's go take
care of business.
We'll get her through this.
- Come on.
- Hold it.
Do we have any idea how
to get her through this?
- Not a clue, no.
- I'm not even in the ballpark.
Oh, man!
You know what all this means?
We are on the verge
of raising a teenager.
Phew! She's gonna be
going to wild parties.
She's gonna be drivin' a car.
She's gonna be dating guys.
Like me!
She's never leaving
the house again.
[knock on door]
- 'D.J.?'
- Leave me alone.
I can't. I'm your dad.
It's my job.
Honey..
...I wanna know
what's going on with you.
Yesterday was
the worst day of my life.
Everyone looked
so much older than me.
I was dressed exactly like the
teacher that everybody hates.
I ate lunch
in the phone booth listening
to the time lady
for 25 minutes and 30 seconds.
Beep.
[dramatic music]
[sighs]
I wish you would've
told me this yesterday.
I was too embarrassed.
I don't know what happened.
In the sixth grade, I was cool.
And now I'm a joke.
Oh, I know it feels that way.
But that's just 'cause you were
a big fish in a small pond.
Now you're in a big pond,
so you feel like a small fish.
But you don't have
to look like the big fish.
Especially if the big fish
are bad fish
and smelly fish.
And, well, now I'm lost
and I'm rambling
and I just wanna hug you
and take you to SeaWorld.
I just want people to like me.
They will, as soon as
they get to know you.
But, look, D.J...
...this girl isn't you.
Then who am I?
Well, I guess, to me,
you're still my little girl.
Honey, I don't wanna stop you
from growing up.
But you just can't go
from 12 to 25 overnight.
Kathy Santoni did.
You gotta realize
that this teenage stuff
is all new for both of us!
But, honey,
we can work it out..
...if we keep one thing in mind.
We have no choice.
Danny, let's go.
We're gonna be late.
Oh, D.J., don't ever let
your father do your makeup.
I did it.
It looked better before.
You know, when I first started
wearing makeup
I made the same mistakes.
Really? How old were you,
18, 19?
No, actually, I was right
around D.J.'s age.
Glad I asked.
Really? You wore makeup
when you were my age?
Uh-huh...only my mom taught me
that the secret
to wearing makeup
is to make it look like
you're not wearing any.
Well, how do you do that?
Yeah, how do you do that?
Well, by bringing out
D.J.'s natural beauty.
For instance, you want
a very subtle pink eye shadow.
- Can I show her?
- Can she?
Go for it.
Thanks, Dad.
And don't worry
no matter how old I get
you can always think of me
as your little girl.
Give me a hug, dad!
Oh, I love those words.
I love you.
I look pretty.
[all laughing]
Oh, yes! Little Zsa Zsa,
you look very pretty.
[chuckles]
But the secret to makeup
is to make it look like
you're not wearing any.
Daddy pretty.
- D.J.?
- Kimmy!
What are you doing here?
I got my whole schedule changed.
- We have the same lunch now.
- Alright! Now..
What happened to your bod?
It's back in my sock drawer.
My mom saw me getting
on the bus
and she freaked out.
Um, hi!
You're in my English class,
right?
Yeah. I'm Susan Erickson
and this is Karen Sykes.
- Hi.
- Do you guys wanna sit with us?
Sure, thanks.
I'm D.J. Tanner
and this is my best friend,
Kimmy Gibbler.
- 'Hi.'
- Hi.
You're sitting at our table.
Well, now it's a scrub table,
but you're welcome to join us.
[laughing]
I'd rather eat in a phone booth.
- Alright. Good job.
- Way to go, D.J.
Someone should tell her she's
wearing a bit too much makeup.
[instrumental music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪♪
[music continues]