[instrumental music]
[alarm buzzing]
What time is it?
It's 3:47.
I was born on this day
exactly 13 years ago at 3:48.
You have an excellent memory.
Four, three, two, one,
yes.
I am now officially a teenager.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Well, I have to rest up
for my party tonight.
Oh, and don't forget,
you're not invited.
I liked you better
when you were a kid.
Well, those days are over
because you're now sharing
a room with a sophisticated,
mature, young woman.
I'm 13!
[John Stamos singing
"Everywhere You Look"]
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to living here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you'll ever see ♪
♪ And a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[M.O.D.O. singing
"Everybody's Funkin'"]
[doorbell ringing]
- Happy birthday, D.J.
- Thanks, Jake.
- Hey, Gibbler.
- Hey, Bitterman.
- Dweeb.
- Dweebette.
So, D.J., where's
your future boyfriend?
- Who?
- You know who.
Kevin Gwin.
You love him
and you know it.
I do not love him.
I just like him.
You like him a lot.
Okay, I like him a lot.
But only if he likes me.
[doorbell ringing]
- Hi, D.J.
- Hi, Kevin. Come on in.
Happy 13th.
This is from me..
...but I lost your card.
Well, I'm glad
you didn't lose my address.
You could make this the best
birthday she's ever had.
You'll have to excuse Kimmy.
The mall's open,
but nobody's shopping.
Okay, Michelle, D.J. says I'm
not allowed to go to her party.
- Can you believe it?
- No.
It's true. She had the nerve
to say I'm nosy.
Now, go take a picture
of the party.
I gotta know what's going on.
Okay.
No problem.
Okay. Come on, Michelle.
Hey, birthday party!
Say cheese.
- Michelle.
- Thank you.
I did it.
Dad, Stephanie sent Michelle in
to spy on my party.
[sighs]
All I got is a picture
of the ceiling.
Don't have a cow.
Uh, there she is, Joey,
it's the birthday girl.
- Let's get her again.
- No, not again.
♪ Thirteen candles
whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪♪
Please, they'll hear you
in there.
Stephanie, you're supposed
to be out with Joey.
It so happens we were
just leaving on our date.
Joey and I are going to
the Daffy Duck film festival.
[imitating Daffy Duck]
And after,
we'll go out for pizza.
- Pfft! Sorry.
- Come on.
What are you guys
doing down here anyway?
- I thought we had an agreement.
- Yes, we do.
Our agreement is that you
and your friends will behave
responsibly,
and we'll stay out of your way.
I'll be right upstairs with
Becky working on Monday's show.
So just let us say hello
to your guests
and, show 'em a few
of your baby pictures.
Maybe run that video
of your first bath.
- Dad.
- Sorry.
I just wanna meet Kevin Gwin
the boy you're secretly
in love with.
You little sneak,
you read my diary.
Hey, it's not my fault,
you left it in the bottom
of the sock drawer with the key
taped under your bed
where anyone could find it.
Forget about Kevin.
We'll go in, we'll say hello
and goodbye. Follow me.
Alright. Come here.
- Which one's Kevin?
- Shh.
Okay, everyone,
this is my family.
They'd just like to say hi.
(together)
Hi.
(together)
Hi.
And now they're leaving.
(together)
Bye.
(together)
Bye.
- Bye, Kevin.
- Bye.
- That's him.
- Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out.
So you're Kevin Gwin.
I've read so much about you.
Stephanie, for the last time,
get out and stay out.
- How--
- Rude. Bye.
[humming]
Ah, now, this is a party.
You got singing, dancing,
cwazy wabbits.
He's not crazy.
Hold it, furball.
Why you always
follow me around?
The doggy can't talk.
I know that.
Hey, you. Out.
- Hey.
- Comet loves you.
Alright, come here.
Comet, I'm gonna teach you
who's the master
and who's the mutt
around here, okay?
I'll teach you a very simple
command. All the dogs know it.
It's very simple. It's called
sit. Okay, you ready?
Sit.
Put your butt
on the carpet, dog.
Be nice to the doggy.
Sit, Comet.
You get a cookie.
See? Be nice.
Alright, I'm gonna
dig deep into my soul
and try to be nice to this mutt.
Hello, Comet.
Comet, you're such a..
...pretty dog.
Comet-poo, why don't you
try sitting, huh, pal?
Come on, Comet.
Will you sit for me, pally?
Come on, here.
It's very simple.
Here, let me show you
how it's done.
You simply put
your back legs down and..
See how I'm doing it?
See, Comet? I'm sitting.
Very good. You get a cookie.
D.J., the party's almost over.
Why are you dancing with Elliot?
You should be dancing
with Kevin Gwin.
I would,
but Kevin didn't ask me.
Well, go ask him.
It's easy. Watch.
- Bitterman, wanna dance?
- Yeah, why not?
Maybe later. I'm busy.
See? Nothing to it.
He's coming over.
Now's your perfect chance.
- This is a cool party.
- Thanks.
You're a good dancer.
I was watching you.
You're good too.
- Think so?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna
go get some punch.
Okay.
Kathy, you gotta help me
get D.J. and Kevin together.
- They are so shy.
- Don't worry.
I know the perfect way.
[disco music]
Oh, Rebecca, does
"Wake Up, San Francisco"
really have
to have a tango segment?
You know, I'm gonna make
a total fool of myself.
That's why we have to have it.
Okay, the secret
to the tango is attitude.
Okay.
[Spanish accent]
Uh, senorita.
Just the sight of you makes
my heart scream "Babalu."
[instrumental music]
- Ow!
- Sorry. Too much attitude.
[chuckles]
[speaking in Spanish]
El pollo loco.
[tango music]
[music continues]
Tiene mercy.
Hi, Joey.
Whoa, you got
a lot of fillings.
[laughing]
How was
the Daffy Duck festival?
[imitating Daffy]
It was thoroughly stimulating.
(D.J.)
'Okay, everybody, listen up.'
Did you guys hear that?
I forgot. We can hear what's
going on down at the party.
- 'Cool.'
- Oh, come on, you guys.
You shouldn't
spy on her.
Shh.
(D.J.)
'Alright, everybody
sit in a circle.'
'Elliot, turn off the lights.'
'Who wants to spin
the bottle first?'
(together)
Spin the bottle?
(together)
Aw!
- Serves you right.
- We gotta get down there now.
No, wait a minute.
Hold it, you guys.
Now, this is D.J.'s
first boy-girl party.
You can't go barging
in there like a SWAT team.
No, wait a minute.
She's right. She's right.
Now, we gotta stop and think
of some legitimate excuses..
...then we barge in
like a SWAT team.
First we get something
for this headache.
How about some aspirin?
I'll go get
some more punch.
D.J., you're the birthday girl.
- You gotta play.
- Hey, we gonna spin or what?
Chill, Bitterman.
I'll go first.
And the lucky winner is..
Oh, no, it landed on..
...Bitterman?
(together)
Ew!
Okay, that was
my practice spin.
Uh-uh. You gotta kiss him.
Okay, let's get
this over with.
(together)
Whoa, baby!
Okay, Kevin, you're next.
- Someone else can go.
- Come on, everybody's waiting.
Alright, D.J.
- Hey, you guys set me up.
- So what?
Don't you wanna kiss Kevin?
Let's go, Kev.
Plant one on her.
Come on, Deej.
What are you waiting for?
[instrumental music]
Come on, you guys.
You gotta kiss.
So kiss, kiss, kiss.
I think they
want us to kiss.
I think you're right.
Nope, nothing wrong
with the lights.
Switch was just
in the wrong position.
Peanuts. Popcorn. Programs.
You don't know the kids
without a program.
Hey, hey, hey, it's your
Uncle J, coming to you live
with the sounds of today.
With the latest
in the fast dancing
no touching music.
Ho-ho! Would you look
at that?
There's that ketchup bottle
I've been looking for.
Ha! Let's go
find a hamburger, shall we?
Okay. Who wants to dance?
- I do.
- Me. I want to.
Not with me.
With the boys. Everybody
dancing, come on.
Everybody, no touching. Come on,
remember, space is your friend.
We'll have fun, fun,
fun, till your daddy
takes the ketchup bottle away.
Have fun, kids.
It's getting late.
I gotta go.
I just..
Well, happy birthday.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks a lot, Kimmy.
- Oh, everybody, have fun.
- Yeah, yeah.
Thanks for spying on me.
Honey, we didn't mean
to embarrass you.
Oh, you could've fooled me.
"Peanuts, popcorn.."
Uncle J with "No touching
music" that was real subtle.
Not to mention "Uh-oh,
there's that ketchup bottle
I've been looking for."
D.J., as long as
these kids are in my house
I'm responsible for them.
And I don't think their parents
would appreciate me
letting them play
"Spin the Bottle."
How did you know
about it anyway?
Were you listening at the door?
No, the fireplace.
D.J., about
these kissing games--
Dad, I didn't even..
I wasn't even.. I never..
Ugh. Forget it, I can't
talk to you about this.
Thanks for ruini' my birthday.
D.J.
What happened?
- She hates me.
- Oh, she doesn't hate you.
If she hates anybody it's me.
I came up with "Uncle J" stuff.
You have to realize that
D.J.'s a teenager now.
This is a really
confusing time in her life.
It's times like this I really
wish D.J. had a mother.
Becky, would you do
me a huge favor?
No, Danny, I won't marry you.
But I will talk to D.J.
- Oh, thanks.
- You're welcome.
Guys, maybe we need to relax.
I mean, all three of us played
"Spin the Bottle"
when we were kids.
I remember my best spin ever,
Diane Van Zandt.
Have mercy.
What about you guys?
(together)
Colleen Finegan.
- When?
- Eighth grade.
Seventh grade.
[knock on door]
I don't wanna talk about it.
(Rebecca)
'D.J., it's Becky.'
What is it?
'Can I borrow 5 bucks?'
What?
I'm this upset and all you wanna
do is borrow money?
No, but I got you
to open the door.
You wanna talk?
There's nothing to talk about.
My dad, Joey and Uncle Jesse
came barging into my party
right when
Kevin and I were..
Never mind.
Deej, whatever you say
is just between you and me.
You know that, don't ya?
Yeah.
So what happened?
Oh, Becky..
Now, we were playing
"Spin the Bottle"
and they set it up so Kevin
and I were gonna kiss.
And I really like him
and I kinda wanted to.
But I didn't want to,
you know?
'Cause everybody was watching
and I've never kissed
anyone before.
D.J., you should
never do something
just because people
want you to do it.
A kiss is a very special,
very personal thing.
Especially your
first kiss.
I was a little scared.
Everybody's scared
about their first kiss.
Kimmy wasn't.
Never go by Kimmy.
But I was scared
about my first kiss.
It was at a school picnic.
Jimmy Stone and I had just won
the three-legged race.
And then we went for a walk
down by the pond.
Which wasn't easy, because
we were still tied together.
And we both went to untie
the knot, and we bumped heads.
And we started laughing so hard
that we fell over.
And then..
...he kissed me.
I'll never forget that.
I hope mine's that nice.
It will be.
You just wait for the right time
with the right guy.
How will I know?
You listen to your heart.
You'll know.
Thanks.
It's really hard
to talk to the guys
and my dad
about this kinda stuff.
Well, I'm always
here for you.
But don't forget, no matter
what your problem is
your dad, and Uncle Jesse
and Joey are always on your side
'cause they love you
very much.
Now, get back
to your party.
Thanks, Becky.
Why couldn't I just
do that to Kevin?
Happy birthday, Deej.
I gotta get home.
- Me too. Bye, D.J.
- Bye. Hope you had fun.
Thank you for coming.
- Good party.
- Thanks.
Drive safely.
D.J..
I hope you're not
mad at me about that
spin the bottle stuff.
I just wanted your
13th birthday to be special.
You're my best friend.
Thanks, Kimmy.
You're...one of a kind.
- Ready, babe?
- Wow, I'm a babe.
- Bye. Good party.
- See you at school.
- Bye.
- Thanks. Bye.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- See you tomorrow.
- Goodnight.
- Hi.
- Bye, Deej.
- Bye.
- Happy birthday.
- Goodnight, guys
- Bye.
Goodnight. Thanks, Becky.
You guys need any help?
No, it's still your birthday
for two more hours.
You go live it up, kid.
Well, first
I want to apologize.
I'm sorry I got mad at you guys.
You didn't ruin my birthday.
I was just upset
over some other things.
You wanna talk
about it, honey?
Thanks, but
I feel better now.
But don't feel bad
because I'm sure
I'm gonna have
plenty of other
problems for you guys
to talk to me about.
Well, we certainly hope so.
[knock on door]
I got it.
- Hi. Kevin, right?
- Yeah.
Is it okay if
I talk to D.J.?
Sure, come on in.
Deej, it's for you.
- Hi, Kevin.
- Hi.
Oh, I'll-I'll just go clean up
the living room.
Oh, I'll just
go watch him.
Uh, I'll just continue, uh, my
obedience training with Comet.
Heel, Comet.
Heel, boy.
'Oh, Comet, heel.'
Comet, let's-let's heel, see?
There we go. This is us heeling.
There we go, I'm heeling you,
you're heeling me.
Hey, there..
We'll be in
the living room...heeling.
I found your birthday card.
You came back
just to give me this?
And to tell you
I had nothing to do
with that
"Spin the bottle" setup.
I know.
It was Kimmy's idea.
She thinks
we're the perfect couple.
Hey, nobody can be wrong
all the time.
Well, happy birthday.
Uh, wait, I'll walk you out.
- Thanks again for my present.
- You're welcome.
And thanks for coming back
with the card.
No problem.
Well, bye.
Bye.
- See you in Algebra Monday.
- I'll be there.
Yes.
[instrumental music]
♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪♪
[theme music]
[music continues]