[theme music]
- Come on.
- Perfect.
Becky, we haven't even set
a date for the wedding yet
and you got me
trying on goofy hats.
Besides, the guests
will be disappointed.
They are coming to see my hair.
Well, I would like
a formal wedding
and I think a top hat
and tails is very elegant.
But we can get
an objective opinion.
Michelle, what do you
think of your Uncle Jesse?
You look very handsome.
Becky tell you
to say that?
Yes, she did.
And did she
give you something?
Yes, she did.
Alright.
Here's a buck.
Tell me what
you really think.
You look like
"The Cat in the Hat."
I'm not getting married dressed
like a Dr. Seuss cartoon.
Besides, a formal wedding
doesn't coincide
with my whole
Viva Las Vegas motif.
What?
Hey, it's dark in here.
You got a fat head.
You got that right.
Give me my buck back.
I still got my lollipop.
[imitating Michelle]
"I still got my lollipop."
[Jesse Frederick singing
"Everywhere You Look"]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy evening TV ♪
♪ But did I get
to live it here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world ♪
♪ Confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ In a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie doo
bah bah dah ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[doorbell dings]
Is it dry cleaning? I'll get it.
I'll get it. I got it.
Dry cleaning,
Mr. Tanner.
Just the way
I like it
Dry..
...and clean.
I, uh, got that mustard
stain out for you.
You're amazing.
Tell me how.
You know how.
Yeah, but say
the word. Say it.
Martinizing.
Oh, yes.
This is so much better
than when Julio
delivered the cleaning.
You know, it's hard to believe
it's been two weeks
since we first met.
You walked into
my cleaning store
with all of your dirty clothes
separated in the four
basic stain groups.
Ground-in,
caked-on, soaked-up
and, ew, gross!
I better get back.
I, uh, left Julio
running the store.
Cindy, wait a minute.
Why don't you and your son
come over for lunch on Saturday?
I don't know, Danny.
You see, Rusty's been
going through an awkward stage
since my divorce.
Yeah, but our families
haven't even met yet.
Come on, it'll be fun
it'll be like our own
little "Brady Bunch" thing.
'Course, I'm the one
with the three girls
all with the hair of gold.
Oh, but there's no Alice.
True, but we could put
Joey in a maid's outfit.
You know, I used
to have a shag haircut
just like Florence Henderson.
Yeah, well not the hairdo
in those Wesson Oil commercial.
Oh, no! But the one
before, it was kind of a..
Yeah, it was like
a ski cap, only with hair.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Right.
So it's settled?
Saturday at noon?
- Okay.
- Great.
Oh, Danny, I have been
dying to tell you something.
What?
Hairspray helps
remove ink stains.
[grunting]
I love it when you
talk clean to me.
[instrumental music]
Alright, everybody,
Cindy and Rusty
are gonna be here
any minute.
Size, places, please.
Let's go.
Jesse, please
stand up straight.
What is this,
a Julie Andrews movie?
Hey, go with it, Jess.
♪ Doe a deer ♪
♪ A female deer ♪
♪ Ray ♪
♪ A drop of golden sun.. ♪
Look, I know
you're all having fun
but this is really
important to me.
♪ Me ♪
♪ A name I call myself ♪
This has gone
too far, I know..
♪ Far a long long way to run ♪
♪ Sew a needle
pulling thread.. ♪♪
[doorbell dings]
They're here.
Look, Cindy's really special
and I really like her,
and we really hit it off.
And no pressure,
but I really want today
to be the greatest day
of my life.
So let her in.
Right.
Cindy, Rusty,
you made it.
Hi.
Did you hear that?
Isn't she
the greatest?
Cindy, Rusty, I'd like
you to meet the Tanner bunch
from the tallest
to the smallest.
Hi, I'm Danny,
this is Jesse
Joey,
Rebecca
D.J.,
Stephanie
Michelle,
and that's Comet.
My daddy like you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Thanks.
Where's my dollar?
I don't know where
she gets this stuff.
Alright. Come on.
Chow's on. Follow me.
♪ Me ♪
♪ A name I call myself ♪
♪ Far a long long way to run ♪♪
I heard the funniest joke
yesterday.
A monkey walks
into a barber shop--
Oh, that's
my favorite joke.
It ends with, um..
(together)
...but get your
hands off my cigar.
It's even funnier
with the middle part.
So, Cindy, did you know
that Jesse and Rebecca
are getting married?
Oh, really?
That's wonderful. When?
Well, we haven't
set a date yet
but we definitely
know where.
- Tennessee.
- Nebraska.
Nebraska?
That's where my family is.
What's in Tennessee?
Well, clean air,
friendly folks..
[coughs]
...Graceland!
Did you just
cough Graceland?
Yeah.
I'm not going
all the way to Graceland
to get married in
some guitar-shaped chapel.
It's a guitar-shaped
pool, alright?
The chapel's
a giant sideburn.
[beeper beeping]
Uh, pardon me.
I have to call my store.
So, Rusty,
what are you into?
Cub Scouts,
little league?
To tell the truth, Mr. Tanner
I'm kind of, uh, a loner.
- Pass me the salt, will ya?
- Yup.
Thanks.
Ow!
That's for unscrewing
the salt shaker, Mr. Maturity.
It wasn't me.
I haven't pulled that bit
since junior high school.
Okay, high school.
Alright, it was
last week at the Sizzler.
You didn't
have to hit me.
Well, I'm really
sorry, you guys.
Uh, there's li'l a problem
down at the store.
But, uh, we shouldn't be long.
- Come on, Rusty.
- Mom, I'm still eating.
Well, we'll take it to go.
Aw, come on, I hardly
got to know the little guy.
Why don't you
go on ahead
and let Rusty
hang out here with us.
Alright.
I shouldn't be long.
Now, Rusty, you be
on your best, best
best behavior.
- I'll be fine, mom.
- Mm-hmm.
- See you all later.
- Buh-bye.
More milk,
please.
Missing, you're missing,
you're missing.
I'll go get a towel.
How did the tablecloth
get tucked in my pants?
I have never put
anything down his pants.
Alright. Once, at the Sizzler.
Daddy, I wasn't finished.
Boy, your mom and my dad
really like each other.
Yeah. Say, you girls
want some gum?
- Sure, thanks.
Here.
All of the accidents at lunch
were really weird today.
Oh, those weren't accidents,
the salt, the milk
the tablecloth, the gum,
all compliments of the Rustman
master of disaster.
You mean you did
all those mean, horrible..
Did he say gum?
He said gum.
[screaming]
You girls, better
start flossing.
What is your problem, kid?
No problem.
My philosophy is
if you fall for it,
you deserve it.
Well, my philosophy is
I'm telling!
Steph, wait.
Dad really likes Cindy.
And she'll be back
any minute.
So let's just try
to be nice to the little rat.
Okay.
Want some cheese?
Hey, Rusty,
your mom just called.
She's gonna be
stuck at the store
for the rest of the day
and she wanted me
to put you in a cab
and send you down there.
(both)
Aww.
But I told her
we couldn't do it.
Is it the money?
I'll chip in for cab fare.
Take it out
of my college fund.
That's very
generous, girls
but I told Cindy
we really want Rusty
to hang out here
with us, right, girls?
I knew you'd
feel that way.
Come on, Rusty,
what do you say
we go out in the back yard
and play some football?
Sounds like fun, Mr. Tanner.
I'll be back.
You know, Russ, there's
nothing like throwing
around the old pig skin
and get that guy-to-guy
bonding thing goin'.
Okay, I'll be Joe Montana,
you be Jerry Rice.
Could I be Joe Montana,
Mr. Tanner?
He's always been my idol,
before I met you.
Aw, Russ.
Okay. On two.
Ready, set,
hut-1, hut-2.
- Hike!
- Go deep, Mr. Tanner!
'I'm open, Joe!'
Here it comes.
You can get it,
Mr. Tanner!
Run, run!
Dive, dive!
[Danny screaming]
[crashing]
Watch out for that mud puddle!
Too bad.
You almost had it.
You know, mud tastes
worse than it looks.
You mind if I hit
the showers a little early?
Good idea, Mr. Tanner.
I'll get to know
the rest of your family.
Beautiful.
[groaning]
This is great.
You want some stuffy, boring
formal wedding at
a 4-H club in Nebraska.
Oh, and you want some tacky,
rock-a-billy sock hop
at Graceland, the world's
largest souvenir stand.
She didn't mean it.
Alright, listen, if
there's one thing for sure
when the band
plays our wedding song
it has got to be Jailhouse Rock.
You want the first
words we dance to
as husband and wife to be
"Warden threw a party
in the county jail?"
People will choke
on their chicken.
Come on, you don't serve
the chicken
until way
after the wedding dance.
Oh, this is ridiculous
all we do is argue..
- Did you say chicken?
- Yeah, yeah I did.
Me, too.
- We finally agree on something.
- This is it.
This is a start.
We're building here.
We have a foundation
to build our life on.
(in unison)
Chicken.
Becky.
Tongue-town, USA!
Rusty, aren't you supposed
to be playing with Danny?
This is where
the action is.
Hey, hey, hey, don't touch
my hair accouterments, please.
Here. Sit here
and don't touch anything.
- I'm touching the dresser.
- "I'm touchin'.."
Okay.
Listen. I'm hip
to you, wise guy.
I know you pulled
all those stunts at lunch.
Since Danny likes your mother
so much, I'm lettin' you slide.
From now on, you respect
people and their property.
- Capisce?
- Capisce.
Thanks for setting me straight,
Mr. Katsopolis.
You're tough,
but you're fair.
Yeah.
Alright. You're a good boy.
Have a good day, son.
Did you see that?
That's how you gotta handle
kids like Rusty.
Ba-da-boom.
You know what I mean?
Give 'em a little discipline.
They're like dogs.
They respect you for it.
Or they lock you
in your room.
(together)
Rusty!
(both)
Rusty!
(in unison)
'Rusty!'
(Stephanie)
'Rusty!'
Hey, Rusty, what brings you
down to my neck of the house?
I was just admiring
your equipment, Mr. Gladstone.
Well, I'm putting together
a tape of my comedy act.
I specialize in some pretty,
darn, obscure impressions.
Now check this out.
This one is Mr. Woodchuck.
[imitating Mr. Woodchuck]
Hey, Rusty.
Say, is that table
made of...wood?
Alright, alright.
Check this one out.
This one's great.
You're gonna love it, Bob Hope.
[imitating Bob Hope]
Hey, I wanna tell you,
that's wild though
isn't it, Rusty, huh?
Hey, isn't
that somethin'?
This is an impression
of Mr. Woodchuck
doing an impression
of Bob Hope.
Alright, here we go.
[imitating Woodchuck and Bob]
Hey, that's wild, huh?
Yeah, isn't that somethin',
Rusty, huh?
Well, I got plenty of other
stuff on this comedy tape.
I've been workin'
on it for weeks.
This is some of my classic,
all-time funniest moments.
So get ready..
...to watch Joey Gladstone..
...talk to himself.
Hi. I'm Joey Gladstone.
And, well, I've put some
of my funniest moments
on this here tape--
This is Rustyvision!
Rusty!
[blabbering]
Why do we have
to wash Comet?
It's so messy,
and he shakes water all ove--
Would you rather
play with Rusty?
Comet, bath time.
Let's go, boy, come on.
Hey, girls.
I heard you were
tied up for a while.
Anybody wanna look
at my kaleidoscope?
We're not falling
for any more tricks.
Excuse us, but we're
giving our dog a bath.
Care to join him?
We have plenty of flea powder.
Good one, Deej.
Yeah. Good one.
But the Rustman
laughs last.
Hey, that's our dinner.
Don't worry.
I'm just borrowing it.
Ooh, pretty.
Uh, hey, that
kaleidoscope's not for you.
What's so funny?
Sorry, kid. I guess
I better show you.
[gasps]
You're in
big trouble, mister.
Story of my life.
Yeah.
You better move
out of the way.
Comet! Come and
get it, boy! Pot roast!
- Dinner time!
- 'No, comet! Stay in the tub!'
(together)
'Rusty!'
Michelle, what
happened to your eye?
It's Rusty's kaleidoscope.
Which way
did they go?
They went that way!
Get 'em!
(in unison)
'Rusty!'
What's goin' on?
Why is there a soapy dog
eating rump roast
on my couch?
Take a wild guess.
(in unison)
Rusty!
That kid is bad news.
Michelle, did Rusty
do that to your eye?
With his kaleidoscope.
That doesn't sound
like little Rusty.
Dad, wake up.
He's the devil boy.
I-I can't believe
he did this.
Danny, just out
of curiosity
was, uh, little Rusty
in the bathroom
before you took
a shower?
Yeah. Why do you ask?
Rusty!
Well, my work here is done.
It's been a blast, Tanners--
Hold it.
Come here, you--
No, Jess.
He's mine.
I'll handle
this, everybody.
Book him, Dano.
Be careful, daddy.
He's very tricky.
You know, you look
good in green.
Pranks are one thing.
But when you mess
with a man's shampoo
you're messing
with the man.
It washes right out.
Rusty, I-I don't get this.
I really wanted us
to be friends.
You don't wanna
be my friend.
You wanna be
my mom's friend.
Well, I-I do like
your mom very much.
You're wasting your time,
'cause someday my mom and dad
are getting back together.
Oh, that's what
this is about.
Look, Rusty, I know
how you feel.
My parents
are divorced, too.
It hurts that
they're not together.
But you can't wreck
every relationship
that your mom
tries to make.
You know that's not fair.
I don't wanna
talk about it.
[doorbell dings]
That must be your mom.
Go ahead,
tell on me.
Hi, Cindy.
How's everything at work?
Oh, fine.
How's everything here?
Oh, couldn't be better.
Rusty's a great kid.
I am?
We had a great time.
Right, Rusty?
Yeah. Sure.
Really?
He was good?
Oh, it was wonderful,
we did a lot of stuff
we tossed football,
we played with the dog..
You dyed your hair green?
Oh, you noticed.
Well, I-I started
using Irish formula.
It's supposed
to be worked in gradually
you know,
a little each day.
Danny, I don't know
how he did this.
I-I searched him
before he left the house.
You and I are going to have
a talk later, young man.
I am really
sorry, Danny.
You know, I wouldn't
blame you
if you didn't wanna
see me again.
Cindy, it's gonna take
a lot more than a green head
to ruin this relationship.
'Course I wanna
see you again.
And I wanna
see Rusty, too.
Is that okay
with you, Rusty?
That'll be cool
and I'm sorry.
You're okay, Mr. Tanner.
Hey, call me Danny.
You're a real,
touchy-feely sorta guy
aren't you, Danny?
You'll get used to it.
- Dig in, Rusty.
- Yeah, go ahead.
Drink your
ice-cream soda.
Wait a minute.
I ain't the master
of disaster for nothin'.
What did you put in it?
Dog food?
He's too smart
for us, Steph.
I'll just make
my own ice cream soda.
Where are the glasses?
In that cupboard.
[screaming]
Hey!
[screaming]
Gotcha, dude.
Pretty good trick, girls.
Of course, you know..
...this means war.
Any time, Rusty.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Doobie doo
bah bah dah ♪♪