Up and down,
up and down
up and down,
up and down.
Daddy, I'm ready.
[spits]
- Thank you very much.
- Just doing my job.
[theme music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get
to livin' here? ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
that knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost
out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do-be-do-ba-ba-da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Up you go.
I'm waiting.
Hey, Michelle.
How are you doing?
This Yo-Yo is broken.
Well, I have something
better for you.
Since I opened
a savings account
I want you to have
my old piggy bank.
Thank you very much.
Hey, where's the money?
Well, you have to
earn it yourself.
You could check
the couch cushions
or find someone
who's a soft touch
look real cute
and say, "please
feed my piggy."
Please feed my piggy.
Boy, you picked
that one up real fast.
Here's a quarter.
[clinking]
Ooh, I like that sound.
[clinking]
Bishop to King's Knight four.
Check.
King me.
- Hello.
- Hi, Steph.
Hey, Stephanie.
How was school today?
Oh, just another day
in third grade.
Here's a silly note
from my teacher.
You don't have to read it.
Just sign it.
You don't mind
if I just skim it, do you?
Steph, it says here that
you're having trouble reading
a-and you need to have
your eyes examined.
Isn't that silly? He he.
Well, if it's so silly
let's see you read that note.
Okay. "Dear Mr. Tanner
"lately Stephanie
has been holding her paper
very close to her face."
See, no problem.
You're getting
your eyes checked.
But what if they tell me
I need glasses?
I'm gonna look like a geek.
Sweetheart, you are not
gonna look like a geek.
But if you don't
take care of this now
your eyesight could get worse.
All those years
eating carrots.
What a waste.
Please feed
my piggy.
Oh-h, I have some pennies
for your piggy to snack on.
He's very hungry.
You got any quarters?
Go talk to your dad.
I got quarters. Here ya go.
Here's a quarter.
Here's 50 cents.
Here's 75 cents.
Okay, Jess, now this
is the last decision
we have to make for the wedding.
Should the waiters at
the reception wear white gloves?
Who's paying again?
- My parents.
- Go for the white gloves.
Alright. That's it.
No more decisions.
We've made every teeny,
tiny, minuscule
trivial decision
about this wedding.
It's over. Hallelujah.
Well, honey, there
is one teeny, tiny
minuscule,
trivial decision
you've been putting off
since we got engaged.
Who's going to be
your best man, Danny or Joey?
Oh, I know I've been
avoiding this.
Alright, I'll tell you what,
as soon as we're all together
I'll pick the best man
and that'll be it.
Great. Danny, Joey,
get in here.
Are you crazy,
embarrassing me like this.
I don't know which one
I'm gonna pick--
- Hi, boys.
- Hey.
What's going on?
Well, uh, now that
we're all together
there's something
very important
I want to talk about.
We're going with
the white gloves.
Hey, we're very happy
for the both of you.
Well, actually, we've planned
out the whole wedding
except for
one little detail.
Uh...I have to pick
a best man.
This, I-I can't do this. I don't
want to hurt anybody's feelings.
Oh, Jess, it's no big deal.
Nobody's feelings
are gonna be hurt.
That's right. Whatever you
guys decide, it's fine with us.
We're mature adults.
Alright.
I pick Joey.
Yes, I get to be
the best man. Yes.
If that's what you want,
it's cool with me.
Congratulations, Joey.
Danny, uh, I'd like you
to be my...head usher.
Oh, hey,
that's, that's terrific.
Well, if for any reason,
Joey is unable
to perform his duties
as best man
or he does anything to bring
disgrace to his position
the head usher steps up
and assumes the crown.
Ah, see?
Well, if needed, I'm,
I'm ready to serve.
Yeah, well, thanks for
taking this so good.
Hey, I could still win
the swimsuit competition.
♪ Hang down your head
Tom Dooley ♪
♪ Hang down
your head and cry ♪
♪ Hang down your head
Tom Dooley ♪
♪ Poor boy
you're bound to ♪
♪ Die.. ♪♪
Danny.
This, uh, happy little
hanging tune
wouldn't have anything
to do with me picking Joey
as my best man, would it?
Jess, not at all.
W-when you think about
best man or head usher
there's not really
much of a difference.
The best man gets to stand
next to the groom
give him the ring,
make the toast.
Basically be the star
of the wedding.
And the head usher,
he gets to say
"I'm sorry, those seats
are for the family."
Are you trying to make me feel
bad? 'Cause its working.
I would never do that to you.
♪ Swing low
sweet chariot ♪
I'm sorry. Those seats
are for the family.
♪ Coming for
to carry me home ♪
♪ Swing low.. ♪♪
Dad, you've got
to help us.
- What's goin' on?
- It's my cousin, Steve.
He's in town for
the big science fair.
And he won't
quit bugging us.
Julie and I are trying
to write an article
for the school paper
but her cousin is kind of a..
What's the word
I'm lookin' for?
Pain in the butt?
That'll work.
[knocks]
That's him.
Dad, you never saw us.
And if he asks where we are,
we were never here
and we're never
coming back.
Got it.
How annoying
could one kid be?
Honey, I'm home.
S-Steve Urkel
at your service.
Hi, Steve.
Listen, Steve, uh, DJ
and Julie were never here
and they're
never coming back.
Never? Oh, that's okay.
I'll wait.
Say, do you have
a spare accordion?
We can jam.
No, my accordion
is in the shop.
How you doing?
I'm, I'm Danny Tanner, DJ's dad.
That's Jesse Katsopolis,
my brother-in-law.
- Hi.
- Joey's not here.
He's, uh,
Jesse's best man.
I'm just the head usher.
Well, geez, Danny,
you sound a little bitter.
May I suggest that you just suck
it up and get on with your life.
Kid's got a point.
Boy, am I hungry.
Got any cheese?
Uh, you can't
go in there
because, um,
we're out of cheese.
Oh, no problemo,
I'll just pour a glass of milk
and wait for it to curdle.
Uh, Steve, Steve,
Steevo.
Steve, I-I can't
help noticing
that you, uh, walk like
the you still have
the hanger in your shirt.
- Oh, why, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Steve, I'd like
to help you
because, uh, quite frankly,
you need help.
See, when you're walking, you
got, you gotta be loose, man.
You gotta kinda just
let it be cool, you see.
That's it. Loosen up.
Be very fluid.
Flu-fluidity is the key.
That's the move.
That's it, now.
Once you get it going, you shift
the weight and go, you see.
And it's a strut, and it's cool.
Like that. See?
- Very inspiring.
- Alright.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's, that's close.
Yeah, well.
Well, that was
a walk on the wild side.
But now let's try it
with your elbows out.
You'll find it's much
better for circulation.
- Like this?
- Yeah.
Alright, I'll try it.
- Yeah, you're doing fine.
- Okay.
Hey, you know, I do feel
the blood flowing--
Yeah.
What am I doing?
Well, here's another fun way
to kill time.
Let's share our life stories.
I'll go first.
I was born on a cold
Chicago night, 1976
the year of America's
bicentennial.
My mom was in
a great deal of pain
and I was charging through--
I think I hear
the girls coming home.
Right in the kitchen.
There you go.
Anyhow, good day, gentlemen.
Okay.
(Steve)
'Oh, ladies.'
[screaming]
- Hey.
Guess who got some new glasses?
Guess who never
wants to wear them?
Oh, come on,
I'll bet they look great.
I look like
a total dweeb.
Oh, come on.
Hey, look at this.
I wear
reading glasses.
And yeah, there. Do I look
like a total dweeb?
Not totally.
Honey, put them on.
Let us see 'em.
Okay.
There. You saw them.
You know, for a second there
I thought you actually
looked sharp.
Yeah, you look
very sophisticated.
That's what
I've been telling you since
we left the eye doctor, Steph.
Thanks, but I know
you're just being nice
because you're my family.
Do I look like a dweeb?
- No.
You're just being nice
'cause you're my family.
Hi, Comet.
You'll be honest.
What do you think
of my new glasses?
I knew it.
I'm the biggest geek
in third grade.
[instrumental music]
[gasps]
- I think we lost him.
- Lost who?
Just some pesky kid that keeps
following us around.
You know, some people just don't
know when they're not wanted.
Hi, DJ.
Hi, Julie.
Hi, kid I don't know.
Steve, this is
my sister Michelle.
Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Michelle.
Why do you talk
like a Mickey Mouse?
That's because
I'm from Chicago.
Want to feed my piggy?
Well, sure.
Here's a bright,
shiny penny.
Michelle, did you know that
with prevailing interest rates
that penny will be worth
almost three cents
at the turn of the century?
Yes, I did.
Steve, this is
my other sister Stephanie.
Hi, Stephanie.
Nice to meet you, Steve.
I don't mean to be rude
but I really don't feel
like company right now.
Is everything okay, Steph?
I just feel
like being alone.
Come on, girls.
The little lady
wants some privacy.
So let's make like
Tom and Cruise. Heh heh.
So tell me, why
so melancholic, baby?
I can't tell you my problems.
I don't even know you.
Oh. Well, I was born in Chicago
on a cold winter night in 1976.
My mom was in
a great deal of pain
and I was chargin' through--
Okay. Okay.
I'll talk.
I just got
my first pair of glasses.
Oh, well,
welcome to the club.
You know, some people
look far more attractive
with glasses
than without.
Take me, for example.
As good as
I look now..
See how studlier
I become.
Truly amazing.
But if I wear these
to school..
...all the kids
are going to tease me.
Oh, sure,
in a class of 30
you may have 15 or 20
misguided souls
that may say
"hey, four eyes,"
or "yo, coke bottles"
or "que pasa, window face?"
But that won't
bother you, will it?
Window face?
The trick is to make them laugh
with you before
they laugh at you.
And always remember,
hold your head up high.
Otherwise, those suckers
will slide right off your nose.
[chuckles]
[grunts]
- Hi, buddy.
- Hey.
What do you say,
you and I spend a little more
quality time together, huh?
Let's go out and
clean some grout, shall we?
Jess, I know you're
just being nice to me
because you didn't
make me you're best man.
You're right.
I don't even know
what grout is.
Listen, this thing has been
bugging me all night
and I-I think I made
the wrong choice.
Joseph!
Wait a minute, Jess,
what are you doing?
I'll take care
of this right now.
Hey, what's up, Jess?
Joey, I'm sorry but I think
I may have made a mistake
when I picked you
for best man.
Look, if I did anything to
disgrace my position, I'm sorry.
Just please don't
make me head usher.
Ah, let me finish.
Let me finish.
What I mean to say is,
I don't think
I should have just
picked just you.
I'm gonna have two best friends,
so I pick both of you.
You can't have
two best mans.
Yeah, you're
breaking tradition
and it's bad grammar.
A-ah, since when do
I care about tradition?
You're looking at a guy
who didn't wear that
cardboard hat
at his graduation
because I was afraid
it would ruin my coif.
Hey, look, the two
best men thing is okay with me
if it's okay with Danny.
Anything's better
than being head usher.
Aw, thank you, my boys,
my boys, alright.
Okay, class, take out
your library books
for silent reading time.
Stephanie?
Yes, Miss Claire?
Your dad called me
this morning.
He told me he got
you new reading glasses.
Yeah, I have them
right here.
Since we're reading, maybe it'd
be a good time to try them on.
Maybe it would.
Hey, Steph, you got glasses?
Let's see.
[instrumental music]
The trick is to make
them laugh with you
before they laugh
at you.
Let's see
your new glasses.
Here they are.
My glasses fit great
but my eyeballs are loose.
[screaming]
I'm just kidding.
Those weren't
my real glasses.
These are.
[kids laughing]
Oh, no. My head shrunk.
A-ah!
Stephanie, could I please
see you at my desk?
- Ooh.
Now, you kids
behave yourselves.
I've got eyes in
the back of my head.
Stephanie.
Alright, a nickel.
Alright, a cheeto.
[instrumental music]
Ice cream man.
Ice cream man. Ice cream man.
Wait for me.
I got money.
Give me back
my money, you pig.
[clinking]
Michelle, what's wrong?
I need ice cream.
Rip its head off.
Michelle, get a grip.
The whole point of a piggy bank
is to save your money
for something very important.
Ice cream
is very important.
Sorry, Michelle.
The ice cream man is gone.
He's really gone?
Put the lip away.
It just so happens that
there are a box of fudgesicles
hidden in the back
of the freezer.
But it's not the same.
Hey, did I just hear
the ice cream man?
You just missed him,
but follow me.
There are fudgesicles
in the freezer.
But it's not the same.
Hey, Steph,
what are you working on?
Oh, just
some homework.
Ohh.
"I will not disrupt
the class.
I will not disrupt
the class."
Did you by any chance
disrupt the class today?
Yeah, I snuck
into your joke bag
and borrowed all
your funny glasses.
[sighs]
The teacher put
them in her desk.
But you can have them back
at the end of the year.
Steph, that's not like you
to act up in class.
I know, but I had
to make them laugh with me
before they could
laugh at me.
Oh, I get it.
The class clown routine.
Yeah, I did that once.
Except I was the chubby kid.
They used to call me walrus.
So I would go..
[squealing]
Yeah, kids can be
pretty cruel sometimes.
What did they say
to you?
Well, this one kid said
"You got glasses?
Let me see."
That was it?
Well, he said it
pretty loud.
So then none of the kids
actually teased you?
No, but they would have.
Well, Steph, anybody who
would tease you is a jerk.
Because with or without
your glasses
you're the most
beautiful third grader I know.
And I want you to take
a look at yourself
in the mirror
with those glasses on.
And you'll see that
you look just fine.
I already have.
Trust me, it was
not a pretty sight.
Well, that's because you saw
what you're afraid of
rather than
what was really there.
Now get over to that mirror,
and tell me what you really see.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Now, what do you see?
Hey...it's me.
No, it's the new,
improved you.
Because now you can read.
Thanks, Joey.
I feel better.
You know, I think
you look pretty mature.
- Really?
- Uh-hmm.
Do you think I could pass
for a fourth grader?
Well, why don't you put the stem
of your glasses in your mouth
and think upper
elementary school.
O-oh, that right there
that's fifth grade, yeah.
Oh, hot, oh, look at that.
High-fashion model.
- You're driving.
- What kind of car?
Let's go all the way...Porsche.
Yeah.
Alright, there you go, kiddo.
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Do-be-do-ba-ba-da ♪♪