[instrumental music]
And now for your bedtime story.
"The Cat In The Hat"
by Dr. Seuss.
Excuse me, why is it called,
"The Cat In The Hat?"
Um, because it wouldn't
have the same ring to it
if it was,
"The Cat In The Vest."
Very interesting.
Now let's begin our story.
"The sun did not shine."
Excuse me, how come
the sun didn't shine?
Because it was raining.
Very, very interesting.
"It was too wet to play.
"So we sat in the house
all that cold, cold wet day."
Excuse me, what day
of the week was it?
Excuse me.
I just figured out
your little plan.
You are asking me
questions after every sentence
so I'll be reading you this
story for the next two hours
and you will
never go to sleep.
You're pretty smart, Michelle.
You're pretty smart, too.
[instrumental music]
[John Stamos singing
"Full House Theme Song"]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get
to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you'll ever see ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice ♪
♪ Inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby doo baa ba daa ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Mm...check this out,
boys. Daddy's cookies.
Have a little whiff.
There you go.
Times like this, I bet, you
wish you guys had teeth, huh?
Come on, you guys want to swing?
Let's swing.
Here we go.
- Hey, Jess.
- 'Hi, Danny.'
Ooh, cookies.
I'll get the milk.
Hi, my boys. Hi!
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, Beck.
Oh, look at that
gingerbread man.
No, not just
gingerbread men.
I have a whole
gingerbread family.
Gingerbread Rebecca.
Isn't she a fox?
Have mercy.
Your gingerbread Danny.
Notice the resemblance there.
With the nose
and the whole..
[Becky laughing]
...and, of course,
your gingerbread Joey.
There you go.
Why am I bald?
Sorry, Joey, I, uh..
...used the last bit
of frosting on my hair.
[chuckles]
You know, you better get
a record deal real soon.
[timer dings]
Well, in the meantime,
I may have a job for you.
I need a song
to introduce cartoons
on the "Ranger Joe Show."
I need something snappy.
Would you do it?
Would you?
Joey...I don't do snappy.
You know, you get paid a royalty
every time they play your song.
- Call me Mr. Snappy.
- Hm.
- Hi.
- 'Hey, how's it going?'
- 'Hi, girl!'
- Gingerbread cookies.
(Stephanie)
'I have big, big news!'
[indistinct chatter]
I have big news, people.
Michelle, wait, I don't want
you to spoil your dinner, honey.
[whistles]
Thank you.
As I was saying,
I have big, big news.
I'm talking large.
I'm talking huge.
I'm talking massively gigundo!
You're talking
too much. What is it?
You are looking
at the Spelling Bee champion
of Mr. Lowry's
fourth grade class.
(all)
Steph, that's wonderful!
Honey, could you get down?
You're getting
the seat cushion dirty.
Wait, there's more news.
This Friday
I'm in the finals
for best speller
in the fourth grade.
That's terrific, Steph!
If you make best in school
you could go on
to city and then the state
and then you could
become the national champion.
We could all meet the President.
Dad, calm down.
I'm never gonna beat Davey Chu.
He's the smartest kid in school!
They call him,
"The Human Dictionary."
Well, Steph, I don't want
to hear
that kind
of negative attitude.
If you wanna be a winner,
you got to think like a winner.
That's right.
[as Popeye]
Listen up, human dictionary.
Stephanie Tanner's gonna
tear you vowel from vowel
then eat your
consonants for lunch.
Grrr!
You're right.
Davey Chu, prepare
to be pulverized!
P-U-L-V-E-R-I-Z-E-D.
Pulverized!
Grr!
There you go.
Steph, you're gonna do great.
Yeah, you've been
reading since you were four.
Hey, I'm five.
How come I can't read?
Well, honey, not everyone
starts to read at the same age.
I'm sure you'll read very soon.
I want to read right now.
Michelle, where are you going
with my paper?
To the bathroom.
That's where Joey reads.
Gentlemen, may I present
the "Ranger Joe Cartoon"
theme song in C major?
Jesse Katsopolis, composer.
♪ Giddyup giddyup ♪
♪ Giddyup and go ♪
♪ Here's another
great cartoon ♪
♪ From Ranger Joe ♪♪
Yee-haw!
- Well?
- Mm-hmm.
What do you think?
- Totally wrong.
- What "totally wrong?"
[gibberish]
What was the guns and the thing
and the swinging and all that?
Jess, it just doesn't have
that childlike quality
I'm looking for.
Childlike? Joseph, kids loved
it. Lo-look at these kids.
I mean look at their faces,
they're elated!
Jess, I need something a little
more cartooney, something like..
♪ It's time
for another carto-o-on ♪♪
I tell you what, I'll lend you
a videotape
of my favorite cartoons.
In not time at all
you'll be a cartoon aficionado.
Thanks.
I'm so excited.
Hello, my beautiful
daughter, Michelle.
We're gonna use this
super-duper deluxe letter board
to help you to learn to read.
I know how
to read, watch.
"The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play."
Actually, sweetheart,
what-what you were reading
on that page, there..
...it says, "Copyright 1957."
How come we never
read that part?
Michelle, I think it's wonderful
that you wanna learn
to read books.
But you can't just memorize
what I read
to you every night.
Why not?
Because it will
start to catch up
with you around college.
Let's start off,
sweetheart, by learning
the sound of each letter, okay?
- Like A is for--
- Apple.
That's right.
But I have a system
that is going to make
learning to read even more fun.
Okay, this is
daddy's special system.
A is for Ajax.
B..
...is for Brillo.
C..
...Clorox.
It's gone!
Gone, gone, gone!
- What's "gone?"
- My brain!
The Spelling Bee's tomorrow
and I can't remember
how to spell success!
How many Cs and how many Ss!
And where the heck do they go!
Steph, get a grip.
You're a winner, remember?
All you need
is a mnemonic device.
What the heck is that?
It must be for cleaning.
No, a mnemonic device
is a little trick
I have to help you remember.
Like take
the word, success.
What you do is, double the C
double the S and you
will always have success.
Got it?
Double the C, double the S.
S-U-C-C-E-S-S.
- Success!
- That's right.
And if you're having
any trouble with words..
...a mnemonic device
will help you.
Davey Chu's going to wish
he never learned the alphabet.
I can spell alphabet.
♪ A B C D E F G ♪
♪ H I J K L M N O P ♪
♪ Q R S T U V ♪
♪ W X Y and Z ♪
♪ Now I know my ABC ♪
♪ Next time won't you
sing with me ♪♪
Well, the word, alphabet,
is in there someplace.
Okay, sweetheart, ready?
D is for Drano.
Come Stephanie.
Doesn't she look smart?
Of course, she does,
intelligence runs in our family.
[camera clicks]
It must have
skipped a generation.
You left
the lens cap on.
Boy, that trophy's gonna look
nice in my bedroom.
Only if I let you borrow it.
You're going down, Chu.
And it's all thanks
to two little words
mnemonic device.
[smirks]
Dream on, Tanner.
They don't call me
"the human dictionary"
'cause I'm good at kickball.
Good afternoon, parents,
students, and friends.
[camera clicks]
Welcome to the fourth grade
spelling championship.
Now, I'd like to introduce
the top spellers
in the fourth grade!
Frannie Weisberg!
[crowd applauding]
'Randy Gaines!'
'Davey Chu!'
'And our first speller,
Stephanie Tanner.'
[cheering]
Stephanie..
...your first
word is, "mnemonic."
Mnemonic.
Would you repeat
the word, please?
The word is, "mnemonic."
And a very fine word it is.
Uh, mnemonic.
A device or trick to help
you remember things, mnemonic.
Stephanie, this is
not a definition bee.
I need the spelling.
Spelling? Oh, I'll
give you spelling.
Rhododendron.
R-H-O-D-O-D-E-N-D-R-O-N.
Rhododendron.
You have ten seconds
to spell mnemonic.
Mnemonic.
N-E-M-O-N-I-C.
Mnemonic.
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Great, honey!
Uh, I'm afraid that's
incorrect, Stephanie.
'The next speller
is Davey Chu.'
Mnemonic.
M-N-E-M-O-N-I-C.
- Mnemonic.
- Correct.
[crowd applauding]
Now, that eliminates
Stephanie Tanner.
Thank you, Stephanie.
What?
That's it?
I did all that studying
for one lousy word?
Come on, have a heart!
- Give me a do-over.
- 'Do-over.'
(all)
Do-over.
Please, can I have
another chance?
Any other word.
Any other word!
I'm sorry, Stephanie.
You can take your seat
with the class, sweetheart.
Alright.
Okay, our next speller
is Randy Gaines.
Randy..
...your first word
is, "incandescent."
Incandescent.
I-N-C-A-N-D-E-S-C--
Stephanie, sweetheart,
you've already been eliminated.
Eliminated.
E-L-I-M-I-N-A-T-E-D. Eliminated.
DJ, DJ, come here!
Michelle, what is it?
Look, I could
read your name. DJ.
Michelle, that's very good.
Do you want to try
something a little harder?
Sure.
I heard this was good.
Let's hold off on "The Hobbit."
Have a seat.
Let's start
with this word, right here.
Now, do you know
what this says?
That's my name, "Michelle!"
Ah, but do you know
why it says, "Michelle?"
I have no idea.
Well, let's start with the M.
Do you know
what sound does that makes?
Mm...like, "Mop & Glow."
I see you've been
studying with dad.
Now for the I.
Do you know
what sound does that makes?
Piece of cake.
I, like eye.
Well, not exactly.
That eye starts with an E.
It sounds like an I,
but it isn't.
But that I in your name,
doesn't sound like the I
that starts with the E.
It sounds like I as in, it.
If you say so.
You see, Michelle, vowels have
long sounds and short sounds.
And if the vowel is long,
it says its own name.
A, E, I, O, U.
If the vowel is short
it has a different sound.
Aah, eh, ih,
ah and uh.
Huh?
Right! Just like, huh.
However, a short vowel
can be changed into a long vowel
if the word has a silent E
like the word "date."
If you take off that E,
the word becomes "dat."
But that's a really bad example
because dat
is not a real word.
I'm never going to learn
how to read.
I guess I didn't
help much, did I?
Duh!
Mnemonic has a silent M?
Whoever heard of a silent M?
Silent Cake, yeah. Maybe.
[doorbell ringing]
Steph, hold it, right there,
We've to talk about this.
Is Stephanie home?
She forgot her ribbon.
Steph, would you look at that?
Davey brought you your ribbon.
Hot dog.
Mind if I put
this trophy down?
It's really heavy.
That trophy would be mine
if they didn't give me
the one word I didn't know.
Uh, Davey, what Steph means
to say is, congratulations.
What I mean is, I can
outspell him anytime.
Come on, Chu.
Right here, right now.
If you beat me again
I'll carry your lunch tray
for a week.
- Books too?
- Books too.
- And buy me ice cream?
- Don't push it.
Okay, you're on.
Steph, are you sure
you wanna do this?
This is the guy who knew
how to spell ecclesiastical.
Ecclesiastical.
E-C-C-L-E-S-I-A-S-T-I-C-A-L.
Ecclesiastical.
[chuckles]
Alright.
Let the games begin.
I'll get the dictionary.
- Hey, Jess.
- Hey.
How's my theme song coming?
Uh, did you come up
with anything like..
♪ It's time
for another cartoon ♪♪
You know, Joseph, I've, uh,
spent a couple of hours
watching some of your
favorite cartoons
and I came with a very
important conclusion.
You're a sick man.
But I did come up
with the perfect song.
I've programmed
some-some sound effects
in this whole thing and I think
you're going to love it.
- Listen, it goes like this.
- Great. Okay.
♪ Oh look out ♪
[crash]
♪ Duck ♪
[quack quack]
♪ Crash and kaboom ♪
♪ Here comes another
Ranger Joe Cartoon ♪♪
[boom]
[beep beep]
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Now-now-now, Jess, I want
to say this nicely.
I hate it.
Hate? What, ha-hate
is such a strong word.
What do you-what do you want,
Something stupid like, uh, uh..
♪ Here comes
another cartoon ♪♪
[boing]
- That's it.
- What's it?
That note, that-that boing
whatever you hit,
that's perfect.
Jess, you are a musical genius.
- That's my theme song.
- What are you talking about?
[stammering]
That's the stupid song
you've been singing for days.
I didn't write that song.
You wrote that song.
Are you gonna pay me for that?
You're right.
I did write that.
Hey, thanks for trying.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait! What about my..
[boing]
[gibberish]
You owe me, Gladstone.
Without my boing
you got nothing!
B-E-N-I-G-N.
Benign.
That's correct.
Okay, Steph,
it's your word.
"Trigonometry."
Trigonometry.
T-R-I-G-O-N-O-M-E-T-R-Y.
- Trigonometry.
- Yes! That's my girl.
I mean, correct.
Okay, Davey, spell..
..."Photosynthesis."
Hey, Michelle, how's your
reading coming along?
I quit.
I'm too dumb to read.
Hey, now, that kind of talk
stops right here, young lady.
Come here, I want
to talk to you.
Now...if anyone knows
about being dumb
it's your Uncle Jesse.
There, le-let me go back
and rephrase that.
Now see, when
I was in first grade
uh, there-there were
two kinda reading groups.
There were the bluebirds
and the robins.
And I was a robin
and everyone knew
the robins were kinda
slow readers.
So I thought that meant
that I was dumb.
So instead of, uh, spending
my time trying to learn to read
I-I spent all my time
beating up the bluebirds.
So you're dumb like me?
I wasn't dumb, that's the point
I'm trying to make.
I thought I was dumb,
so I gave up trying.
I mean, I got bad grades
for a long time
and then I realized
that I'm a smart guy.
And I'm not gonna let
the same thing happen to you
because you're
a smart girl, young lady.
Oh, puh-lease!
Oh, puh-lease, yourself.
Now, to start reading
all you have to learn
is one really cool word, okay?
And I'm gonna teach
it to you right now.
You're ready?
Here is the word...Okay?
Now, in this word,
the A sounds like aah.
Here we go again.
You just stick
with your Uncle J, okay?
The A sounds like aah
and the T sound's like..
What-what sound does the T make?
Tuh.
That's right. Tuh.
Okay, now, put them together
and what do you get?
"Atuh.
Atuh.
At!"
That's it!
At, you just read, at.
I did?
Yeah, you did.
That's great.
Now, now, what sound
does the letter C make?
Kuh, like Clorox.
I see your dad's
been teaching you.
Alright. Kuh.
Now, here we go.
Kuh and at, put them together.
- What do get?
- "Kuh-at."
Faster.
"Kuh-at."
"Cat!"
I read cat.
She just read another word,
ladies and gentlemen!
This chick is on fire.
Reading high fives.
Can you dig it?
I knew that you could. Alright.
Let's try another one.
The ever popular H.
Okay? Now what does that say?
"Huh-at.
Hat!"
Alright!
I did it again.
I'm unbelievable!
[cheering]
Yes!
I'm so proud of you.
That's terrific!
Now, I'll tell you something.
We'll just read
a little each day
and before you know it
you're gonna be reading
a book. I promise.
Which book?
Well, hey-hey, this
is the perfect one.
Now watch. Now, when I point
to a word, you say it, okay?
- "The.."
- "Cat."
- "In the.."
- "Hat."
Right on, sister.
[gibberish]
E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y.
Epiphany.
That's correct.
Stephanie, I'm sorry,
I got to go home for dinner.
Hey, if you quit,
you forfeit, Chumeister.
Dad, next word, please.
This is gonna
be the last word, alright?
"Sarsaparilla."
Sarsaparilla.
S-A-S-P-A-R-I-L-L-A.
Sarsaparilla.
I'm sorry, Steph.
Why?
Because it's sarsaparilla.
S-A-R-S-A-P-A-R-I-L-L-A.
Sarsaparilla.
Man, that's right.
You are the human
dictionary, aren't you?
Now there's a silent R?
I hate this language.
Steph..
I got to go home for dinner.
Well, Mr. Tanner, I must say,
it's been quite a delectation.
Yeah. It certainly has.
Delectation.
Better not be a put-down.
Steph?
I'm really
disappointed in you.
I know. You said
I was a winner.
But let's face it.
I'm a loser.
I'm not disappointed
in you because you lost.
I'm disappointed
because of the way you lost.
Honey, you were a sore loser.
That's because I hate losing.
Nobody likes to lose.
But everybody loses sometimes.
You did your best,
you tried your hardest
and Davey beat you
fair and square.
Why didn't you
congratulate him?
'Cause I was mad.
Were you mad at him for winning
or were you mad
at yourself for losing?
Do I have to answer that?
Yeah.
I guess I was mad at myself.
I just wanted to be the best.
You are.
You're the best speller
in your class.
You might even be
the best speller in this house.
- Dad?
- Okay.
You are the best speller
in this house.
Sweetheart, you have to be proud
of your accomplishments.
But no matter
how good you are at something
there'll always maybe
a Davey Chu out there
who might be just a little bit
better then you are.
It's just as important
to be a good loser
as it is to be
a good winner, honey
You're right.
I'm sorry, dad.
I can't wait till I lose again
so I can show you
how good I am at it.
Now you're talking like
a winner. Come here.
[moaning]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
[instrumental music]