[John Stamos singing
"Full House" theme song]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get
to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you'll ever see ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ Of Somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby doo baa ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- 'Dad?'
Oh, look at this.
Here come my girls.
And I bet they can't wait
to hug their dad.
Would you tell DJ
to stop hogging the bathroom?
It just so happens
I was in there first.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Girls, I'm-I'm still
in the hug mode.
She turned off my
"Beauty And The Beast" tape.
After the hundredth time
you played it.
I'm trying to learn the words.
Guess I can put
my arms down now, huh?
Oh, tough day.
I got to start screening
those junior rangers.
I had a crier, two wetters
and some kid got
a splinter in his butt.
Was the splinter made of..
...wood?
Excuse me, but we were talking
about DJ hogging the bathroom.
'I was not hogging
the bathroom.'
- I was in there for--
- Okay, hold it! Hold it!
You know, if I didn't know
any better, I would say
this wasn't the happiest
family on earth.
Oh, puh-lease!
You know what?
I've got a great idea.
Reserve seating in the bathroom?
No, let's take time out
from all this bickering
and just go out
together as a family.
I hereby declare tonight,
Tanner Family Fun Night.
Oh, man!
'Oh, come on. Go with me
on this.'
Two hours of non-stop,
feel-good Tanner family fun.
What do you say?
- I guess.
- Alright.
[chuckling]
That's the spirit.
Go get your coats. Come on.
Honey, I don't want
to argue with you
but are you saying
that my mother is wrong?
No, sweetheart. I'm saying
your mother's insane.
[laughs]
Oh, darling, you must be joking.
My mother simply suggested
that we use cornstarch
when we diaper the boys.
Ah, but we want
to keep them dry
not grow crops
in their underpants.
You know what you two need?
A little dose
of Tanner Family Fun.
Why don't you grab the twins
and come out to dinner with us?
You know what,
that sounds real good.
- But we'll pass.
- We will?
We don't want
the boys going out
to a crowded restaurant
during cold and flu season.
Oh, come on, Becky. Uh, don't
you think you're babying 'em?
Well, sweetheart,
they are babies.
You sure you don't want
to come to dinner with us?
We're gonna sing
show tunes all the way there.
You know, when you
put it that way
why take a chance during
the cold and flu season?
We'll have to pass.
Okay, miss the funnest
night of the year.
Okay, everybody, let's go!
It's Tanner Family Fun time!
Come on, everybody!
Hut hut hut!
Okay, where do you
guys wanna eat?
- I want pizza.
- I want burgers.
I want tacos.
I need chocolate cake.
No problem, I'll just find
a Mexican-Italian
burger and cake emporium.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, yeah, could I have picked
a better restaurant
than this, huh?
Well, these pirates look real.
Ahoy, ye scurvy sea dogs!
Welcome to Ye Pirate Cove!
This way.
[Danny chuckles]
Ho-ho, shiver me timbers.
Dad, this place is so lame.
What if my friends
see me here?
Well, that would make them
just as lame
as you, wouldn't it?
Yo-ho, yo-ho!
Got you there, matey.
Just slap your
barnacles right here.
Okay...we've got
three shipmates..
Thank you.
..and two little buccaneers.
A kiddie menu for moi?
How rude!
Look, it got puzzles.
Connect the dots.
Very challenging.
Don't worry, I'll help you.
I'm not into fish.
You got any pizza?
Harr!
Maybe you didn't notice
the boat, pal.
But we got kind of
a seafood thing going on here.
But I'll go up
to the galley and see
if I can drum you up
a sliver of dried salted beef.
- Yum.
- Harr, harr, harr!
What a goofball!
Now why don't we all get
in the pirate spirit?
You know what, what better way
to get into the pirate spirit
than donning
our cardboard pirate hats?
Dad, you look like a dweeb.
Yes, but I'm a dweeb having fun.
You know why?
Because everything
is more fun with a hat on.
Come on, put your hats on.
Let's go.
Are you swabbies ready to order?
Dad, please don't make me
order from the kiddie menu.
You know what, honey?
You're right.
This is Tanner Family Fun Night
and sweetheart, you can
have anything you like.
I believe I'll have
the..."Sunken Treasure.
"A scrumptious assortment
of King Neptune's favorites
from the bottom of the sea."
[laughing]
That sounds like a fun meal.
Whoa! $23.95!
Boy, fun doesn't come cheap
around here, does it?
Harr.
I believe I'll have
the chocolate cake.
Oh, a delicious slab of cake
near as big as your head,
me hearty.
Whoa, baby!
Too bad, we're out.
No chocolate cake?
What a rip-off!
- Excuse me.
- Everybody, get down!
- Get down, get down!
- Why? DJ, what's wrong?
There's some kids
here from my school.
Oh, yeah.
There's Shelly Phillips.
[whispering]
Dad, please.
Don't do anything
to attract attention.
♪ Happy birthday to you.. ♪
Chocolate cake!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear Sarah ♪♪
Her name's not Sarah.
Oops. Sorry.
Wro-wrong table.
Come back with
the chocolate cake!
You have a big mouth.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
Hey, Beck, we're back!
'Got your favorite pizza..'
...pineapple and anchovy.
I believe you forgot something.
Oh, yeah. Extra cheese.
Listen, Beck.
I've been thinking about
this extra cheese thing.
I think it's a rip-off
because how do you really know
if you're getting extra cheese
or not? You don't.
I was talking
about the baby's hat.
The one I asked you to put on
if you took the baby
out into the cold air?
Oh yeah, I know the hat.
I put it on.
It just, uh, must've fallen off
on my way out, that's all.
- Really?
- Hm.
And landed behind
this pillow?
[laughs]
What are the odds of that,
a million to one, say?
- Probably.
- Yeah.
Aw, just look at this.
His head is freezing.
You know, my mother says that
sixty percent of the body's heat
is lost through the head.
Sixty percent
of his body is his head.
That's why he should
be wearing a hat!
He's gonna get sick.
Becky, he can't wear
the hat in the house.
It'll stunt his hair growth.
What hair?
The hair I'm tryin' to grow
if we can get some sunlight
and fresh air
on his bald little head.
You know what,
if you don't believe me
maybe you'll believe my mother.
She always said, "A hat on the
head keeps a child out of bed."
Alright, well, I'll call
my mom on the other line.
She's got a few
sayings of her own.
My favorite is,
"My boy is always right."
Ha! Oh, hi, mom.
Yeah, mom, listen.
Could you talk to Jesse?
He has a very cavalier
attitude with the babies.
Hi, ma. Becky is really
overprotective of these kids.
- Mm-hmm.
(both)
She wants to talk to you.
- I don't wanna talk to her.
- Talk to her.
Be nice to my mom.
Right now!
- No, you--
- Yes!
- Hi, Nedra.
- Hi, Irene.
- How are you?
- Hello.
- Yeah. Fine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right. Yeah, well.
- Listen.
- My mom always said--
- My mom said that--
(both)
Uh-huh.
Let me just, let me just
ask this-this
d-did you really say
"A hat on the head
keeps a child out of bed?"
Uh-huh.
Really?
You stitched it on a sampler?
Right. I got it.
"A scarf on the throat
goes great with a coat."
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh. Oh, yes.
I'm writing these down. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Got 'em.
- O-okay. Hold on.
Your mom wants
to talk to my mom.
Good. Because your mom
wants to talk to my mom.
[indistinct chatter]
I can't put my mother
through this.
Ma, doesn't Becky's mom
squawk like a chick?
Hi, Becky's mom.
No. Oh, no, no. I didn't say,
"squawk like a chicken."
No, no, no. I said..
I said, "talks
like Charles Dickens."
[chuckles]
Okay. Yeah.
God bless us everyone.
Oh, nice move, Jess.
[Alex crying]
- Uh-oh. That's Alex.
- H-h-hold it, Becky.
You can't go charging
in the room every time
the kid makes
the slightest little peep.
Watch me.
If you're doing
this to annoy me..
...it's working.
- Hi, there, babe.
- Mommy's here.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, what's the matter--
- See, Beck, there you go again.
Y-you're treating 'em
like little mama's boys.
Now he's gotta-he's gotta
stand on his own two feet.
Jess, he doesn't
even know he has feet.
Babies need to feel secure.
Their personalities are affected
by every decision that we make.
That why we got to be cool
so they'll grow up to be cool.
Beck, these kids
were born to be wild.
Excuse me, they were born
to be little gentlemen.
That'll make a fine tattoo.
Beck, you're turning
our kids into wimps.
Beck, I-I just think that
from now on you ought to let me
make the parenting
decisions around here.
Oh, well,
that would be a good plan
except every decision
you make is wrong.
The point is, I know more
about raising kids than you do.
- Ha!
- Yeah.
I bet if I raised Alex
and you raised Nicky
my child would be perfect
and yours would be a mess.
Oh, in the words
of Michelle, "puh-lease."
I can just imagine how
Alex would turn out.
Oh, and I can just imagine
what you would do to Nicky.
Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy! Guess what!
Guess what!
What? What is it, Alex dear?
I have big news.
Where's daddy?
He's in the bathroom.
Jess! Honey!
'Not now, Beck.'
I'm moussing my new hair plugs.
Jess, would you stop
obsessing about your hair?
Whatever you're losing
on your head
you're growing on your back.
Thank God! Where do you
think I got these plugs from.
Daddy, mommy, I made the team!
Oh, Alex, that's wonderful!
Oh, Jess, isn't that wonderful?
- 'Yeah.'
- Yes, isn't that great, father?
Hey, that is terrific, son.
Getting into sports, there.
Attaboy!
Yeah, what are you playing?
Either football or basketball?
- Chess.
Actually,
I'm the equipment manager.
I get to carry all the pieces
and set 'em up
before each match.
- Huh.
- We even have a cheer.
♪ Take your time
Take your time ♪
♪ Think think think ♪
♪ Outmaneuver your opponent ♪
♪ Till he's in a quandary ♪♪
That's-that's nice.
That's a nice cheer there, son.
A quandary cheer.
I-I like that one.
That's a-that's a terri..
What have you done to our son?
Oh, like you did such
a good job with Nicky.
[motorcycle revving]
Jess, I thought
you were gonna talk to him
about riding that motorcycle
in the house.
Well, I am. I'm gonna
talk to him right now.
[engine revving]
Son?
Hey, Ward. Hey, June.
Hey, beav!
Nicholas, what did I
tell you about riding
that motorcycle in the bedroom?
Becky, Nick is a biker, okay?
He's gotta ride his bike.
He's-he's too young
to ride in the street.
So he's gotta ride in the house.
Nick, but, uh, just be careful.
Wear a helmet when you're goin'
up and down the stairs.
I know. Don't pop a plug.
You can tell I have plugs?
Only when I look at 'em.
[laughs]
Well, Jess, you didn't
raise a mama's boy.
Well, he's just going
through a difficult stage.
His life.
Mommy, I'm chafing again!
Oh, hold on one second,
sweetheart.
Mommy's coming.
Turn around.
Here's the cornstarch.
[laughing]
What a dork!
[laughing]
Mommy, Nicholas
just called me a dork.
[sobbing]
Oh, baby.
Yes, baby.
You see how you messed up Alex?
Ha! Not as bad as you
messed up Nicky!
Well, at least he doesn't cry.
He can't help it.
He has a rash.
He's got a rash,
he-he should take it like a man.
Now you see what'll happen
if we baby these kids?
Oh! My kid would never
turn out to be such a wimp.
But your kid,
that was pretty scary.
No, that would never happen.
Are you saying that your kid
wouldn't be out of control?
No. I'm saying
I'll never lose my hair.
If I do, I'll get
one of those rugs that stays
on in the wind
and in the pool and everything.
Hey, Jess?
Does this baby
look a little flushed to you?
Yeah, he does.
He's warm, too.
He sounds congested.
Becky, what do we do? Our kids
have never been sick before.
Alright. Don't panic. Um..
I-I'll take his temperature.
Alright, I'll get
the humidifier.
- I'll call the doctor.
- Yeah.
You know, I'll-I'll take..
...take him out
just in case he's contagious.
It's okay, sweetie.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Mommy's going to take
your temperature, okay?
[instrumental music]
What is taking
my dinner so long?
Are my friends looking at me?
DJ, nobody is looking at you.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
Can I wait in the car?
Honey, there is no fun
happening in the car.
All the fun is right here.
Ugh!
Why did I order this?
Here, Michelle.
Ew, gross!
Kill it, daddy!
Michelle, it's just an octopus
and it's already dead.
Excuse me, sir, could you, uh
put our little
eight-legged cephalopod
back in the tank, please?
Are you sure
it's not my birthday?
Yes, sweetheart,
for the hundredth time
it's that little girl's
birthday.
And that's why she gets
the chocolate cake, alright?
Is she going to eat
the whole thing?
Michelle, just suck it up
and move on.
Ahoy!
Knackwurst and potato
pancakes for the landlubber.
Well, it's about time.
Hey! I know you!
You're Ranger Joe from TV!
Hey, kids, look who's here!
It's Ranger Joe!
- Ranger Joe!
- Look at this.
- There you go.
- Kids.
I-I'd like to sign your
autographs, but could you wait
till after I finished my dinner?
[sneezes]
I'm finished. Okay.
Where's that pen?
- Hi, DJ!
- Oh, hi, Shelly.
What are you guys doing here?
We thought it'd be
a riot to come goof
on all the lame
families that come here.
[chuckling]
That's why we're here too.
Uh-uh. It's Tanner Family
Fun Night.
I got to tell
the guys this one.
I've got to find a new school.
Ew!
This one has eyes!
I'm sorry, but I can't eat
anything that's looking at me.
Sweetheart, you can't let
all this food go to waste.
Joey, you want to eat it?
Danny, that's not dinner.
It's marineland.
A whole semester
trying to be cool
wiped out by one night
of Tanner Family Fun.
Okay, that's it.
We're out of here.
- Check, please!
- Not so fast, matey!
I spy a landlubber who hasn't
finished his Sunken Treasure.
And that means
you walk the plank!
[all chanting]
Plank! Plank! Plank!
[bell ringing]
Plank! Plank!
- Enough!
- Plank, plank!
Harr!
That's your favorite letter,
isn't it?
Any last words?
Yes. There's something
I'd like to say to my family.
Tonight...I had a dream..
...that people who love each
other could go out together..
..to laugh, have fun..
...to eat fish.
But who was I kidding?
Only myself.
Okay, I'm ready now.
[all chanting]
Plank! Plank! Plank!
- 'Wait!'
- Plank!
[sighs]
This is my fault.
I'm the one who ordered
"The Undersea World
Of Jacques Cousteau."
And if anyone deserves
to walk the plank, it's me!
[all chanting]
Plank! Plank! Plank!
Hold on.
I should be the one
who has to walk the plank.
The reason we didn't
have fun tonight
was because of my bad attitude.
So someone sneezed
on my knackwurst.
Big deal.
Dad, Joey's right.
We all had bad attitudes.
I admit, when I first came here
I was a little embarrassed.
But now that I'm up here
standing on a boat..
...and seeing
everybody stare at me
I'm totally humiliated.
My turn!
Sarah, are you going
to eat all that cake?
Oh, you know..
...this was really sweet
of you guys to come up here.
This was kind of the Tanner
Family Fun I was hoping for.
[all chanting]
Plank! Plank! Plank!
Okay, okay,
I'll walk the plank.
But not because
I didn't clean my plate.
Because I came here
for Tanner Family Fun Night
and gosh, darn it, we Tanners
are gonna have some fun!
- Am I right, me buckos?
- Harr!
Yeah!
Okay.
Man overboard! Ho!
[thud]
Well, blow me down! Whoa!
[thud]
Cannonball!
Cowabunga!
[thud]
I'll go wait in the car.
Harr!
What the heck!
- Hey, hey.
- Thank you.
[all squealing]
Look out!
Help me!
[indistinct chatter]
It's okay, honey.
You're gonna be alright.
Jess, when is the doctor
gonna call?
It's been over an hour.
[sighs]
I don't know.
Becky, I'm sorry. This-this
whole thing's my fault.
- Jess, it's not your fault.
- Oh, yes it is.
I should've listened to you
in the first place. I mean..
You know, I took-I took Alex
out without a hat to get pizza
and now he's got a fever.
I'm sorry.
Honey, it was Nicky
you took out without a hat.
It was?
Becky, I-I don't know
what I'm doing here anymore.
I know what you mean.
I feel like
these kids should come
with an owner's manual.
[telephone ringing]
Hello? Yes, Dr. Arnold.
Okay. Thanks for calling back.
Listen, Alex has
a-a temperature of 101.
Yeah, yeah, we did the compress.
Right, we did the humidifier.
I took the other baby out.
Yeah, right.
We did it.
Did it.
That's it? What am I
paying you for?
Just kidding.
Alright. Thanks, doc.
Bye.
What did he say?
He said we're doing
everything right
and there's nothing else to do.
Hey, Jess?
Look at this.
[sighs]
Alex's temperature
is back to normal.
That's it? We did it? We got him
through his first fever?
Yes and we didn't even
argue about it.
Or even call our moms.
[laughing]
Beck, I'm sorry, I..
...I've been a real pain.
I'm sorry, too.
Honey, we both want
what's best for our kids
and we just disagree sometimes
on how to get there.
Yeah, about this parenting
thing, I mean..
...these kids are gonna be
hanging around the house
for a good 18 to 19 more years.
[laughs]
We better come up with a plan.
Okay, I think, instead
of arguing so much
we should really
listen to each other.
And then we can take
the best of what each of us
has to say and compromise.
That's a good plan.
- Well, we make a great team.
- Mm-hmm.
Actually, I, uh,
smell an opportunity
for teamwork as we speak.
Okay, so what do
we use, partner?
Cornstarch or baby powder?
Well, I say, we go
for a little combo platter.
Alright. We'll make a very
special baby butt blend.
Here we go.
I'll mix and you apply.
- Ah, what a team!
- Yeah!
Alright. We're ready.
Let's take 'em off.
- Wh-whoa!
- Ohh! Whoo!
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪♪
[music continues]