[instrumental music]
Daddy, I made you a present.
Oh, honey thank you.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, wow, this is
a really nice...one.
Go ahead use it.
Use it?
Oh, okay you know
maybe I should start
by putting something
in it, huh?
Okay, here we go.
No, uh, ah, oh.
Hey, Michelle, did you
finish your bird feeder?
All done.
And what a doozy of
a bird feeder it is, huh?
Just hold it up and..
Pew, bird's right in there.
I'm gonna put
some bird seed in it.
He didn't have a clue.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[harmonica music]
I don't know why but I feel
like a Wienerschnitzel.
Rebecca, close your mouth.
Uh, Betty, Lulu,
that was...unique.
[laughing]
Can't wait till this Sunday
at the annual twins expo
to hear your spirited rendition
of "Stairway to Heaven."
Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you,
and don't forget
I'll be emceeing
The Favorite Twins Contest
so come down to
the convention center
if you are a twin or know a twin
or if you've ever seen double.
- Bye and have a great weekend.
- Thanks.
♪ Wake up ♪♪
[clapping]
Great show. Great show.
Great show.
- Hi, babe.
- Hi.
- Ready for lunch?
- Yeah.
Oh, uh, Danny,
Vicky called and she said
she'll call you back
between seven and eight.
- Can't I call her?
- No.
She's on her way
to Green Bay.
She's travelling
with the Chicago Bears.
- The football team?
- 'Mm-hmm.'
Yeah, she said she's doing
some kind of special
on women
in the locker room.
You mean, s-she's gonna
be in a locker room
with 40 guys
with chiseled bodies
and thighs
bigger than...me?
Danny, you don't feel
threatened by this, do you?
No.
No, not at all.
If you need me,
I'll be at the gym.
Honey, listen,
I have something to tell you
but you have
to promise not to whine.
I never whine.
My cousin Dick
and his wife Donna
are in from Nebraska.
Oh, those rich snobs?
- You're whining.
- No, I'm not.
I'm just, I'm just voicing
a manly complaint.
They brought their twins
Debbie and Darla
for the contest
at the expo.
And we're having
dinner with them tonight.
Oh, geez, I have to
eat with them, too?
Alright, that was a whine.
That was a whine, yeah.
[instrumental music]
D.J., Steve.
I'm glad you're here.
What about me?
D.J., Steve,
I'm glad you're here.
I've got a boy problem.
- Ooh.
This is serious.
This boy Jimmy Laster
is always pulling my hair
and giving me noogies.
Why is he doing that?
Hey, maybe you have
one of those noogie heads
that guys can't resist.
Steve. It's probably
because he he likes you.
And he's too
immature to tell you.
Really?
He likes me?
Yeah. You should do the mature
thing, give him a call.
Maybe he'll want
to get together.
Or do what I do.
Get an 800 number
and advertise on cable.
[instrumental music]
[doorbell ringing]
Cousin Dick.
- Look who's here.
- Donna.
- Hi.
- Kids, come on in.
Oh, yeah. Come in.
Let me see you.
Oh, you guys have gotten so big.
Come here, give me a hug.
Oh, thank you.
Well, come on in.
Make yourselves at home.
Well, we haven't seen you
since you and Jesse got..
you know, married.
How you holding up?
Alright, boys,
life lesson number 37.
Pretending to like someone.
Watch.
Dick, Donna.
It's been too, too long.
Well, Jesse.
Aw, cute kids.
Thank you.
Thanks.
They look just
like Rebecca.
You lucked out there.
Well, a small joke.
You know what they say.
Small joke, small mind.
Jess.
- Hello. Hi.
- Hi.
Who's this little girl?
Oh, this is Danny's
daughter, Michelle.
Michelle, say hi to Dick, Donna,
Debbie, and Darla.
Hi, Dick and..
...all you other
D people.
- And you must be Danny?
- No, I'm Joey.
See, Joey, Jesse, the twins,
and I, we all live here
in Danny's house
with Danny and his daughters.
Yeah, Becky and I, we have
a little place up in the attic.
- The attic?
- 'Hmm.'
How quaint.
Well, uh, I know you guys
have to go out to dinner
so, Michelle,
let's take the kids
into the kitchen
for some cookies.
Oh, boy, girls, you do love
fresh-baked cookies,
don't you?
We prefer store-bought.
Oh, boy.
Aren't our girls cute?
Can't wait to see them
in The Favorite Twins Contest.
You know, that sounds
like a lot of fun.
Jess, we should enter
Nicky and Alex.
No, no, no, absolutely not,
I'm not gonna parade my kids
around like a couple
of trained baboons.
Baboons?
[gasps]
Whoa, look at the time.
Shouldn't we be
going to dinner?
You know, now that
I think about it
why don't you three go,
I-I have some schoolwork to do.
Oh, working on your Ph.D?
Well, actually it's-it's,
it's my pre-Ph.D.
Master's?
Bachelor's?
High school.
High school?
Good one.
Oh, you're serious.
Well-well, you-you can
come to dinner.
It's not a school night.
Oh, now I see why
you married him.
Because he's funny?
No, because he's rich.
Uh, speaking of which
we have reservations at the most
expensive place in town.
- O-on us, of course.
- Of course.
We know you're a
struggling musician.
No, no, no. Jess has
a great job on the radio.
And did you know that he had
a number-one record in Japan?
Well, if we ever
have dinner in Japan
it'll be your treat.
Small joke.
That guy is a small joke.
I'm going to get him.
Honey, please.
No violence.
Who's talking
about violence?
I'm gonna order
a 12-pound lobster.
Deej, I took your advice
and called Jimmy.
Was I right?
Does he like you?
Close.
He hates me.
He said if I call him again
he'll have me arrested
for harassment.
Sorry, Steph.
Sometimes guys are complicated.
Well, not exactly complicated.
More like...simple.
I just want to know
how to tell if a guy likes me.
Well, sometimes guys just kinda
hang back and stare at you.
So, if a guy stares at me,
he likes me?
Not necessarily.
You may have some gunk
stuck in your teeth.
But if you don't,
and he does like you
he'll start fixing his hair.
Okay, staring. Hair fixing.
What else? What else?
Well, then you smile at him,
but just a half-smile
'cause you don't
scare him.
How's this?
That'll scare him.
Tell me more.
I need details.
Well, just do
everything I said.
And if you do it right,
he'll come over and talk to you.
This is great.
Then what happens?
Nothing.
You're in the fifth grade.
So, what you guys
want to do?
Do you have a TV? A VCR?
A laser disc player?
- Anything?
- I have Mr. Potato head.
- Boring.
We like video games.
Come on, Debbie.
Let's go play
Ballerinas of Death.
[video games beeping]
When can I have a turn?
When you buy one.
Boy, is this going to
be a fun night.
Man, that was
good eating.
I ate so much lobster,
I'm sweating butter.
I hope you didn't
ruin your best t-shirt.
Oh, Donna, I hope
you don't mind
I made Debbie and Darla
some ice cream sundaes.
Oh, not at all.
Girls, what do you say?
They would have been
better with hot fudge.
Oh, you're welcome.
Always a pleasure.
Oh, uh, Becky
little news from
the home front.
Mary Ellen Matthews
married Doyce Plunk.
He was Becky's
old boyfriend.
We all thought she was
gonna marry him.
I was never going
to marry Doyce.
Mary Ellen sure is
counting her blessings.
She lives in a mansion
almost as big as ours.
And Doyce gives her a brand
new Cadillac Coupe de Ville
every year.
Yeah but try popping a wheelie
on one of those things.
Okay.
Well, we better
get a move on
before someone
steals our hubcaps.
Small joke, right?
No, I'm serious.
Come on, girls.
Let's go.
Well, it's been
a wonderful evening.
Cousin Dick,
thank you for dinner.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and check on Nicky and Alex.
Donna, goodnight.
Goodnight, girls.
I'll be up soon, honey.
I'm just gonna throw our..
I mean show our guests out.
Bye-bye.
Hey, Dick.
Let's lay the cards
on the table, pal.
You don't like me, do you?
Well, I'd like you
as an acquaintance.
I'd like you
as a waiter.
I'd even like you
as a mechanic.
But as a cousin,
well, let's just say
we always imagined
Rebecca with someone..
...better.
Let me tell you something.
I'm not your acquaintance
and I'm not your waiter
and if I were your mechanic
you'd be having
brake problems.
Small joke.
Well, I guess
we know where we stand.
Yes.
I guess we know.
See you at the expo.
Oh, and smart move
not entering the twins contest.
Why put your kids through
that kind of rejection?
"Rejection?"
Now you've pushed me too far.
You know what, I'm gonna enter
my twins in that contest
and they're gonna make you wish
you never left Nebraska, pal.
Ooh.
Looks like somebody
had their lobster bib on
a little too tight, huh.
- Small joke.
- Yeah.
Here's a big joke for you.
I don't even like lobster.
[instrumental music]
Hey, kids, look at all
the twins, huh?
Big ones, little ones.
- Furry ones.
- Come on, Michelle.
Let's go see
if they have eyes.
See that doggy?
He's a furry doggy.
Say doggy.
- Hi, hi.
- Oh, hi.
Jesse, when my kids win
The Favorite Twins contest
you think, you could
help me carry
that huge trophy
on to my car?
No because my kids
are gonna win.
Really? You think you have
room for that trophy
up there in
the ol' attic?
You know, Jess, I just wanted to
enter this contest for fun
and all you want to
do is beat my cousin.
Sounds like fun to me.
Come on, let's go
get the kids ready.
Hey, Michelle.
Are those cute guys
staring at me?
No, don't look at them.
How am I supposed to see
'em if I don't look?
Okay, time for the half-smile.
How's this?
I think you need
the other half.
Alright.
They're fixing their hair.
It's like D.J. said.
They like me.
Uh, Michelle, no offense,
but...get lost.
Well, since you
asked nicely
okay.
Hi, I'm Andrew.
- I'm Stephanie.
- I'm Thomas.
- Do you have a twin?
- No.
We really like doing
stuff with twins.
[gasps]
Oh, you mean a twin sister?
Who doesn't?
Super.
Where is she?
Well, uh...
I'll go find her.
D.J., quick. I need your hat
and your sweater.
- Why?
- Don't ask questions.
It's an emergency.
Please. Please.
Okay, okay.
But you look fine.
It's not for me.
It's for my sister.
Michelle?
Hi. You must be
Andrew and Thomas.
My sister Stephanie
told me I'd found you here.
Hi. What's your name?
My name?
Uh...Bethany.
So, Bethany, what do you
and Stephanie do for fun?
Oh, pretty much
the same thing.
Where is Stephanie?
Stephanie?
Uh...she was with me
a second ago.
I'll go find her.
She's not quite herself today.
That's right,
Vicky Larson.
Yeah, could you please tell her
to call Danny Tanner?
Yeah, she's-she's in the
Chicago Bears' locker room.
Yeah, she'll be the only one
wearing high heels.
Really?
He does?
I'm back.
Bethany.
I thought
you were Stephanie.
Wait a minute.
You're absolutely right.
I am Stephanie.
This is getting weird.
Yeah.
What's going on?
[sighs]
Alright, the truth is,
I don't have a twin.
I made it up because you said
you only hang out with twins.
Well, I guess I can
make an exception.
- Hey, I saw her first.
- I did.
Boys, boys, boys, boys.
Let's not fight.
There's enough of me
to go around.
[instrumental music]
Hey, there are
your cousins, Michelle.
You can wish them good luck
before the contest.
Or not.
Why should I be nice to them?
They were mean to me.
Well, because being nice
is contagious.
Maybe they'll catch it.
You mean like chicken pox
and they'll get all itchy?
Maybe contagious
was the wrong word.
- 'Hi.'
- Hello.
Debbie, Darla, good luck.
What do you mean by that?
I just mean good luck.
Oh.
- Thank you.
Always a pleasure.
Did you see that?
They even said thank you.
What did I tell you?
[instrumental music]
Ladies and gentlemen,
twins of all ages.
We're about to begin
the highlight of the twins expo
The Favorite Twins contest.
I'm your host, Danny Tanner.
And no, you're not
seeing single
there's only one of me.
Okay, so, let's bring out
our first contestant.
Welcome if you will
from Gary, Indiana
the Spellman twins.
[band music]
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you,
Lex and Rex.
Oh, man, I haven't seen
that much beef
since my last
double whopper.
Is this thing on?
Okay, let's bring out
our next contestants.
Please welcome, if you will,
the Donaldson twins.
Make daddy proud.
[together]
And now, a poem.
The majesty of America.
The beauty of the sea.
The seven wonders
of the world.
Are not as cute as we.
Are.
Thank you.
The Donaldson twins.
Okay, and now
our last contestants.
Please give it up
for Nicky and Alex Katsopolis.
[instrumental music]
Elvis, the next generation.
And now let's bring
all our contestants up on stage
while our judges make
their final decision.
Nicky and Alex
were so adorable.
You must be pretty
darn proud, huh, Beck?
Oh, yeah, having twin
Elvis impersonators.
Every mother's dream.
Oh, now it's the moment
you're waiting for.
Let me get the judges' decision.
[telephone ringing]
Excuse me.
You know what?
That's my..
That's my jacket.
Uh, pardon me.
Hello. Yeah, Vicky, you know
this is not a good time.
Yeah. Are-are you still
in the locker room?
Was that a towel snap?
O-okay, look, I-I can't
talk right now.
I'll call you later.
Okay, honey buns. Bye-bye.
(all)
Aw.
- Where was I?
- The winners, honey buns.
Thanks, sugar hips.
Okay.
'Our runners-up
and second-place winners are..'
...Debbie and Darla Donaldson.
- Runners-up?
- You heard the man.
That has gotta be a mistake.
I demand a recount.
Alright, Lex and Rex, please
escort this man off the stage.
We really need a recount.
I'm sure there's..
No, there's some mistake.
And now it's time
to announce
our first-place winners.
They are...
Nicky and Alex Katsopolis.
(Jesse)
'Yay.'
[all cheering]
[instrumental music]
♪ We kicked their butt ♪
Honey, I got a great idea,
let's take a picture of this
we'll put it on
a Christmas card
and we'll send it
to your idiot cousins.
That should spread
a little Christmas cheer.
Jess, why are you
so obsessed with my cousin?
Honey, I'm not obsessed.
I got a great idea.
Let's hire a skywriter
who'll skywrite
"Loser" over his big mansion.
Jessy.
Alright.
I'm a tad obsessed.
It's just that..
I-I just wanted
to show him
that even though I
can't buy you a mansion
I can't buy a new
Coupe de Ville every year
that-that we have
really great kids.
What are you
talking about?
Well...you think
you would have been happy
if you'd married
Doyce Plunk?
Rebecca Plunk?
That a yes or a no?
Of course, it's a no.
Jess, I don't care
about cars and money.
And I don't care
what other people think.
All I care about is
you and our life together.
And I wouldn't trade
one minute of it
for all the mansions
in Nebraska.
I guess I did
kind of overreact.
Well, not completely.
My cousin is a jerk,
and I'm glad we kicked his butt.
Yeah.
Sweetheart, I...I may act
a little crazy sometimes
but...it's only 'cause
I'm crazy about you.
[instrumental music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪