(male announcer on TV)
'Okay, kids, to hear
today's new jokes'
'ask your parents if you
can call your funny buddy'
'at the number on your screen.'
'Hee hee. Ha ha.
Hee hee hee.'
- Hee hee. Ha ha.
- Hee hee hee.
'Remember, it's only
$2.00 a minute'
'and don't forget
to ask your parents.'
'Hee hee. Ha ha ha.'
- Hee hee. Ha ha ha.
Are you gonna call
funny buddy again?
Sure am. Last time we
told one of his jokes
milk came out of
my daddy's nose.
I asked my daddy
if I could call
and he said, "Denise, do you
think money grows on trees? "
- My daddy didn't say anything.
- How come?
'Cause I asked him when
he was vacuuming the rug.
He probably
didn't hear you.
That's the idea.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man the paper boy
evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, Jennifer.
Jennifer. Cool shirt.
- Thank you.
It's the latest style.
Everyone's wearing it.
- I got mine's at Sassy City.
- Me too.
- No way!
Well, well,
well, well, well.
Look who's blocking
the aisles.
Let's see, two Jennifers
and a Stephanie.
Three people.
One brain. No personality.
Hey, Charles, what do you
think of the human race?
We'd like an outsider's opinion.
Uh, Charles, Stephanie,
that's quite enough.
Let's take our seats, alright?
You two have just given me
a wonderful idea
for our next
writing assignment.
Let's call it
"Finding the best in people."
Let's call it three o'clock
and go home.
Let's call the principal
and see what he thinks.
Alright, I want you
to interview each other.
And I want you to find the best
qualities in your partner
and then write
an essay about them.
And I think I'm gonna pair up
Stephanie and Charles first
since they inspired this.
Hey, everybody.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Did you want that?
That could be why
my hand's on it.
Who's reading
Catchin' Her Eye?
Me.
I got to do a book
report on it
for night school
English class.
Oh, yeah, me too, I got
a report due for my class.
- Such a drag.
- Tell me about it.
Book report? You guys
could try the Gibbler method.
Rent the movie.
Kimmy, that's a terrible idea.
And I checked.
It's not on video.
Why don't you try
reading the book?
Or each of you could read half.
Hey, Deej, remember when
Cathy Santoni and I
split up Much Ado About Nothing.
Yeah, she read Much Ado,
and you read nothing.
No, no, h-h-hold it a second.
You know what, Kimmy,
that's good idea.
You know what, you're not
as dumb as you look.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Now, see, this is good, see,
see, you read the first half.
I'll read the second half, then
we'll fill each other in.
Hey, sounds like a plan.
Alright! Brotha!
- Hey! We're home!
- Hey, my boys!
Oh, I missed you guys.
Did you have fun
with Uncle Joey today?
Oh, they sure did.
We had the best time
at the park.
These guys love playing
in the sand so much
I think they brought
most of it home with 'em.
They're building
their own beach.
What is it with kids
and sandboxes, huh?
Jesse, I have no idea
what the attraction is.
Okay, boys. Let's show daddy
what I taught you.
Okay, what do we do when we
get sand in our mouths?
(blowing raspberries)
Good influence, Joey.
Okay, it's joke time.
Gather around,
ladies and germs.
It's time for
the joke of the day.
Okay, what did one penny
say to the other?
- I don't know.
- What? I don't know
- Got me.
- What did he say?
Let's get together
and make some cents.
That's Cute. You guys
should go on "Jay Leno."
[mimicking Jay Leno]
Yeah, of course
my guest tonight.
Are the fabulous
Michelle and Denise.
And they will be
appearing at Zaney's
in wonderful Sandusky, Ohio
the 22nd through the 28th.
Where'd you goofballs
learn these jokes from?
From funny buddy.
- Denise.
- What?
Let's go play outside.
I don't want to
play outside.
Trust me. You do.
I'm not exaggerating, dad.
Nobody in school
can stand this kid, Charles.
He's a total obnoxitron.
Oh, come on, Steph,
how bad can he be?
Bad. Fluffner, our class
bunny, tried to bite him.
Deej, help me out.
I've to do a project
with a real jerk.
You have tons of
experience dealing with
someone who's rude and crude.
Deej, do you have a friend
I don't know about?
Uh, look, Steph, sometimes
people can seem obnoxious
on the outside, but when you
spend time alone with them
really get to know them,
become friends with them
you realize they're not so bad.
Who is this person?
Steph, come here.
I know Charlie might
seem like a jerk
but, honey, there's
good in everybody.
Beck, can I ask you something?
Remember that guy we
interviewed on the show
couple of weeks ago,
was it Tommy Bun?
Oh, yeah, what a jerk.
Yeah. He did charge
over a million dollars
on other people's
credit cards
but, ah, do you remember
later in the interview
he showed a different
side of himself.
Yeah. He mooned us.
Actually, before that
remember before he told us
all that other stuff
he told us how
he used to carpool.
Of course, it was a stolen car.
And he was fleeing
the country.
I wish he'd taken
Charles with him.
Oh, come on, sweetie,
be nice to him.
Maybe it'll rub off on him.
[doorbell ringing]
Battle stations.
Okay, I'll be nice.
Hello, Charles.
Nice to see you.
Yeah. I wish
I felt the same.
Everybody, this is Charles.
- Hi.
Steph, I see where
you get your looks.
Well, thanks.
Yeah, I didn't say good looks.
Could we just do
the assignment, okay?
I can hardly wait.
Maybe there isn't good
in everybody.
What a brat.
Somebody needs to teach
that kid manners.
I wonder if he's got
an older brother.
Who's room is this?
Rainbow Brite.
Let's just do the assignment.
Okay, what did you do
today that was nice?
Well, I didn't put bubble gum
on anyone's chair.
What a prince.
Oh, Stephanie.
Oh, look. It's half a person.
You've got a bad attitude.
What is it, Michelle?
We're studying.
You're in big trouble with dad.
Big, big, big,
big, big, big, big--
Okay, okay. I get it.
What did I do?
You forgot to take
the garbage out again.
Uh-oh.
Dad said he'll deal
with you later.
Just thought
you'd like to know.
Well, guess you're
really in for it now, huh?
Tsss. Yeah.
That's twice this week.
My dad's going
to flip out on me.
Well, you know what helps,
try thinking of a funny movie
like "Home alone"
or "Roger Rabbit."
That's what I always do
when I'm getting it.
Getting what?
Well, you know, when
your dad's pounding you.
You mean, hitting?
My dad never hits me.
Does yours hit you?
No. Just, just,
just forget it.
Let's do the assignment.
But you said you always
think of a funny movie.
Do you get hit a lot?
Look, I didn't mean anything
by it, just forget it, okay?
Let's do the assignment.
Charles, you can
trust me, I swear.
No, I don't care if you swear
on your mother's life.
My mother is not alive.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Mine's not alive either.
I'm sorry.
Look, the thing is
my dad does hit me sometimes
but it's my own fault
for ticking him off.
Boy, did he clobber me
last week.
You mean, when you came to
school with that black eye
and you said you walked
into a door?
Yeah. A door named dad.
Maybe you should tell someone.
No. No!
I can't tell anyone,
and neither can you.
- What time is it?
- 5:30.
I forgot to phone my dad and
tell him I was gonna be late.
He'll kill me.
I got to go. I gotta go.
But, Charles.
Steph, you gotta swear to me.
You can't tell anyone
as long as you live.
Ever, you got it, okay?
Okay. I swear.
Hi, Stephanie. New top?
Yeah, like you said,
"it's the latest style."
But that was yesterday.
Oh, haven't you heard?
It's coming back
again after lunch.
- No way!
Good morning, class.
Stephanie, I'm afraid we're
gonna have to find you
another partner
for your assignment.
Why, I thought
I working with Charles?
Well, he's gonna be out all
week. He had an accident.
He is an accident.
Hey, cut it out!
That's not funny.
Hey! Don't have freak attack.
Alright, that's enough,
let's take our seats.
- Mrs. Patterson?
- Yeah.
What kind of accident
did Charles have?
Well, his father said
he fell down the stairs.
No.
What is it, Stephanie?
Um...nothing.
Okay, who wants
to hear another joke?
- Oh!
Oh, now, don't you have
a sense of humor?
Of course they do.
Come on, you guys.
Give the girls
some encouragement.
I mean, after all,
they look up to you.
Well, actually, they
look up to everyone.
Just laugh.
Now, what's a frog's
favorite drink?
- I don't know.
- What?
Croak-a Cola.
[laughing]
That was a good one.
Hey, Steph, you want
to hear a joke?
- Nah.
- It's really funny.
They laughed
their heads off.
I'm not really in
the mood for a joke.
Let's go tell
Nicky and Alex.
Yeah, they'll laugh
at anything.
Come on, Deej.
Help me set the table.
Alright, Steve, I've finished
my half of this book
for this
Catcher In The Rye report, huh.
Alright, no problem
I finished my half.
Hey, how was yours?
My half wasn't, uh,
wasn't half bad.
Yeah, I gotta admit,
I liked my half too.
I'm dying to find
out what happens.
Yeah, I'm dying to find out what
happens before it happened.
- Lay it on me.
- Okay, well.
Um, first, you know
that guy Holden?
He gets kicked out of school.
Oh, yeah, I noticed he had
a lot of time on his hands.
But I didn't know why.
Good, okay.
Okay, um,
it was really funny.
I was laughing out loud.
Yeah?
What was so funny?
Oh! Well, you know, the
characters were acting funny
and saying all this funny stuff.
- Right.
- It was funny, man.
First half of the book,
"funny, man?"
I'm, I'm, trying to explain it
I just can't say it
as good as he wrote it.
You know guys this could be why
most people read both
halves of the book.
Alright, this
is ridiculous.
I'm done with shortcuts.
I'm gonna read the whole book.
I missed a lot of good things
Yeah, you know, it's like
ordering a pizza
and then stopping after
only six slices.
Yeah, like only
seeing half a movie.
I remember I walked
into "Tootsie" late once
and I kept saying to myself
"Who's that ugly woman?"
Come on. We got some
reading to do.
Hey, you know, in "Tootsie,"
that was a guy.
No, seriously, he
was wearing a wig..
You know, Deej, I think that
your Uncle Jesse is gonna be
a really positive
influence on Steve.
Yeah, and even if
his grades don't improve
his hair's gonna
look great.
Joey, look at this phone bill.
$2.00, $6.00, $3.00.
Danny, I have never called
a 976 number in my life.
Okay, once.
I tried that dating service
but I stopped after
I got my Aunt Frieda.
Joey, I'm not accusing you,
I'm just asking you.
But why I'm I always the one
who gets asked, I mean
somebody leaves cheese
in the hamper
right away, it's my fault.
The gouda was in
your pants.
Ha. Like you never left a wedge
of cheese in your pants.
I'm just gonna call this number
myself and see what it is.
Does anybody want
to hear another joke?
How could you tell if there's a
elephant's in the refrigerator?
By the footprints
in the butter.
How'd you know that?
Your funny buddy
just told me.
- Uh-oh.
- Ooh.
You're busted.
Joey, you were right.
I'm sorry.
Now, could you do me a favor
and drive Denise home?
'Cause I wanna talk to Michelle
about her funny buddy
phone bill.
Certainly. But in this
wonderful land of ours
that I like to call America
everyone is innocent
until proven guilty.
♪ My country ♪
♪ 'tis of ♪
♪ thee ♪
I love you people.
♪ Sweet land of.. ♪♪
Michelle.
Did you know these funny
buddy calls cost money?
- Yes, I did.
- You did?
Did you know that every call
you make shows up on this bill?
No, but I do wish
somebody told me.
So, you knew you
were doing wrong
but you still went
ahead and did it.
I'm really sorry, daddy,
I'll never do it again.
Hold it. Not so fast.
I mean, come back here, please.
You know, sometimes saying
you're sorry is not enough.
But sometimes it is.
No, not this time, okay?
Every night this week, you are
gonna go to bed an hour earlier
'cause I want you think
about what you've done.
But that's not fair.
Well, I think it is fair,
I want you upstairs.
- But--
- No, no "buts ."
I want you upstairs pronto.
[grumbling]
I can't believe daddy's so mean.
I cant do anything.
I'm never talking
to daddy again.
He's a big meanie.
Don't say that.
He's making me
go to bed early.
Big deal.
It is to me.
Look, I'm telling you.
Don't ever call dad names.
You can't tell me what to do.
Yes, I can.
I'm your big sister.
You're not that big.
I'm bigger than you.
- So?
Hey, hey, hey, Itchy, Scratchy,
what's going on?
I'm trying to read out here.
Michelle's saying terrible
things about dad.
Daddy punished me.
Oh, now, Michelle, listen,
your dad's a very fair man.
If he punished you,
I'm sure there
must've been a good reason.
Well, there is.
But I still don't like it.
- You hang in there, okay?
- Okay.
Come on, Comet.
Watch me brush my teeth.
It's almost my new bedtime.
Big deal, so she has
to go to bed early.
Doesn't she know
how lucky we are?
Some kids get punished
a lot worse than that.
Stephanie, where's
this coming from?
Here. Sit down here.
Is there something you
want to talk about?
Yeah.
I can't hear you
unless you speak up.
I can't, I promised
I wouldn't tell.
And you guys taught me
never to break a promise.
Yes, that's a,
that's a good rule
but once in a while there are
exceptions to every rule.
- There are?
- Yeah.
Yeah, like that one about,
you know
not being able to swim
after you eat.
You know, you have
to wait an hour.
I hate that rule.
I mean, sure it applies,
say, you eat steak dinner.
You have a steak, you have
a nice baked potato
some sour cream,
then yes, an hour.
But say you eat a cracker,
see this makes no sense.
Here's where the exception
comes in. You eat a cracker
I say boom, five minutes,
ba-da-bing, you're in the pool.
Right? A peanut, I say, eat the
peanut and swim, who cares
right? There's all these excep..
A plethora of exceptions here.
Uncle Jesse,
I don't think this
is that kind of exception.
Well, look, Step,
you're a very smart kid.
Just use your common sense.
If I tell you, can we
just keep it between us?
Well, I can't promise that
unless I know what
the secret is.
That's what I should've said.
Okay, There's this kid
in my class, Charles.
His father hits him. Bad.
He really hurts him,
Uncle Jesse.
- Are you sure, Steph?
- Positive.
He told me all about it.
And he wasn't in school today.
The teacher said he
had another "accident."
Oh, I gotta report this
right now.
- Why?
- Because..
...if I don't, I'm gonna
straighten him out myself.
No, Uncle Jesse. Please.
I swore I wouldn't tell.
Listen, sweetheart
I know you want
to keep your promise.
But if you know
this is happening
and you don't say
anything about it
you're only helping it
happen again.
But what'll happen to Charles
if we report it?
What'll happen to Charles
if we don't?
Steph, I'm glad
you're home.
Listen, I wanna
to talk to you
about your pal
Charles, okay?
It's been a week and
he's still not in school.
I'm worried about him.
I know. Listen, um..
...I made some calls today.
And The Child Welfare
people, um..
...they took Charles, and they
put him in a foster family.
They took him away
from his home?
I never should've told you.
now he's gonna hate me.
This is all your fault.
Stephanie, knock it off.
Stephanie, listen.
It's not my fault.
It's not your fault.
We weren't the ones
hurting Charles.
Then why they had to take
him out of his house?
They had to,
he wasn't safe there.
What's gonna happen to Charles?
Well, Charles and
his father need help.
And now they're gonna get it.
Sweetheart, please believe me,
you did the right thing.
Then why do I feel so lousy?
'Cause it's a lousy
situation, kid.
But, listen
I realize how hard
this was for you.
But the bottom line
is thanks to you
thanks to Stephanie
Charles' father
can't hurt him tonight.
What made his
father so mean?
I don't know.
I look at you girls
and I look at Nicky and Alex..
...how can anyone
hurt their child?
Dad just pulled in.
It's time for dinner.
Let's go eat.
Okay, everybody,
I got pizzas.
Eat them while they're hot.
(Joey)
'Pass it around.'
Thanks.
What was that for?
Nothing.
I just felt like it.
I'll take a free hug anytime.
Okay, here we go.
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪