[instrumental music]
♪ A-Louie Louie ♪
♪ Oh baby I said
we gotta go now ♪
Take it, boys.
♪ Aye ya ya ya ♪
♪ I said Louie Louie ♪
♪ Oh baby I said
we gotta go now ♪
Take it, boys.
♪ Aye ya ya ya ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Ready, guys?
- Oh, yeah.
[music continues]
Rock and roll!
'Rock and roll!'
Rock and roll.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah-h-h ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman, the paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah-h-h ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Okay, Thunderbirds,
what are the positions
when we line up
for a corner kick?
- Joey?
- Yes, Michelle.
Are we the hugs or the kisses?
Hugs or the kisses?
Oh, you mean the Xs or the Os.
No, Michelle, in soccer,
we use these symbols
to designate abstract
player deployment.
Now, what I'm saying
to all of you is..
...we're the kisses.
Anyone else have a question?
Me, me, me.
Anyone else?
- Hey, I got one.
- Yes, Aaron.
Are you going to buy us
pizza after the game?
Or are you too cheap?
Hey, hey, hey.
He shouldn't have to feed us.
He's already donated his time.
Well, thank you, Derek.
And what position
would you like to play?
Well, I've always heard
that the goalies get the babes.
[laughing]
"Goalies get the babes."
Well, I can't make any
promises in the babe department
but you do get to wear
this nifty goalie outfit.
Okay.
We are now entering
the Tanner household.
Uh, Steph, what's the deal
with the video camera?
I'm doing a video
project for school.
"A Day In The Life
Of The Tanners."
[laughs]
Stephanie, I happen
to be in the middle
of a very important
coaching session.
That's okay.
Just act natural.
Whoa!
When was the last time
you got around to trimmin'
those nose hairs?
(kids)
E-e-eww.
Sick!
[imitating kids]
E-e-eww.
These are
private nostrils.
You can't use that.
- Watch your step.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh.
- Okay, there are more stairs.
More stairs.
Ah, ah, careful.
Can someone
please help us?
My chain got caught
on Steve's sweater.
[laughing]
Careful. Can you
watch it, D.J.?
Do you have any idea how
expensive this sweater is?
I should.
I bought it for you.
Oh, yeah.
How did you guys
get stuck together?
Well, we were
upstairs studying and--
Studying?
Not!
They were kissing!
Kissy-face, kissy-face.
(kids)
Kissy-face, kissy-face,
kissy-face--
Will you kids stop
being so immature?
Kissy-face, kissy..
Well, there's no
room for that kind
of immature behavior
on this team.
My class is
gonna love this.
Your class?
Steph, you
can't use that!
I have to.
It's too goofy not to
share with the world.
Steph, give me that.
Give it to me--
Hey, ow, D.J., D.J.
I'm unraveling, D.J.
Stephanie.
Oh, no, no, no. Nicky, Alex.
Not Uncle Danny's Tupperware.
He will never forgive us
if anything happens
to his cold-cut keeper.
- Bad boys.
No, you're not bad boys.
You just got mixed up
with the wrong crowd.
- Bad boy.
Oh, oh, oh, "Bad Boys?"
You want to get down, huh?
♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪
♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪
♪ Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you ♪
♪ Bad boys, bad boys
whatcha gonna do ♪
♪ Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you ♪
♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪
♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪
♪ Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you ♪
♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪
♪ Whatcha gonna do
Whatcha gonna do ♪♪
[laughing]
[clapping]
- Center ringer.
- Great.
Uh, how much of that
did you happen to see?
Oh, just the part from..
♪ Bad boys, bad boys
whatcha gonna do ♪♪
- I don't dance like that.
- We can always check the tape.
Yeah, or we can burn it.
Steph, you can't use that.
Oh, come on, Beck.
Be a good sport.
That's the funniest thing
on that tape, right, Steph?
Well, it's kind of
a toss-up between that
and your morning
pep talk to your hair.
Well, you see, I-I occasionally
yak to the, yak to the guys
because, you know,
it's like, it's like a..
...it's like a plant, you know,
like when you talk to a plant..
You have that on tape?
Oh, yeah. Every
inspirational word.
I laughed. I cried.
But mostly I laughed.
Oh, come on, Jess.
Be a good sport.
I'll be a great sport,
once I get that tape.
Steph, give me the tape.
Give me the..
You can't use that.
Give me the..
Whoa!
[whistle blowing]
Okay, everybody.
'Let's set up for
our kicking drills.'
'Let's go. Come on.'
Let's hustle.
Let's go, you guys.
Okay, okay.
Let's get it together.
'Hey, Michelle.'
Joey, this is great.
I love soccer.
At home I'm not
allowed to kick anything.
[laughing]
Okay, get over there,
you little kicker.
Let's go. Okay, let's go.
O-okay, alright, everybody
hold it up for just
a second, alright?
Okay.
Uh...Derek, I think
I forgot to mention
this is soccer,
not dodge ball, okay?
The goalie's allowed to
stop some of these shots.
But the ball
travels so quickly.
It's bound to smart.
Bound to smart. Yeah.
I guess that
kind of got by me.
Uh, well, it's not gonna
smart as much as you think.
Okay? So, hang in
there, son. Alright?
Okay, let's go,
everybody. Come on!
Let's get it
together, come on!
- Hey, Joey.
- Oh, hey, Danny.
Hey, how's the squad
coming this year?
[imitating Bill Murray]
Well, uh, it's
a rebuilding year
so, uh, so we're going
with the youth movement.
And, uh, you
know, the tykes
they like to put
the boot to the ball.
So, we got that going
for us, but, uh, you know
it's a plus when
you think about it.
Okay, Michelle,
your turn.
[kids laughing]
Honey, just concentrate.
It's a big net
and a small ball.
Make it happen.
Yes! Derek S. Boyd
with the save.
That's okay,
Michelle, nice try.
Joey, she's not, uh, what's
the word I'm looking for?
- Good?
- Oh, Danny, come on.
It's her first day.
She's just learning.
And look how much
fun she's having.
I don't know,
D.J. and Steph
they were natural athletes.
They took after me.
'I guess in order for Michelle
to become a good soccer player'
she's going to need
a little practice.
[Michelle grunting]
Danny, I think
her soccer's fine.
I-I think her shoe-tying
needs a little work.
[instrumental music]
Alright, Tanner's all
alone right up at the net.
It's just her
and the goaltender.
She takes
a mighty kick and..
[thud]
...goal!
That's 48 straight goals
for Michelle Tanner.
Forty eight straight.
A good time to go in
for supper. Right, dad?
Sweetheart, we still
have plenty of time.
Remember, the better you play
the more you're
gonna like soccer.
I thought I liked it already.
Hey, guess what,
string bean?
Thanks to me, you can say
goodbye to irritating pests.
- You're moving?
- No.
I just put in a heavy-duty
bug zapper, the Insect Inferno.
This baby gets them all.
[zaps]
Pesky flies.
[zaps]
Annoying mosquitoes.
[zapping]
Nearsighted squirrels.
Oh, but don't worry.
He's only stunned.
Hey, how many
fingers do you see?
I gotta build a higher fence.
Alright, Michelle.
'It's time to get back
to business. Okay?'
Daddy, why can't we go in now?
Sweetheart, you know what they
say, practice makes perfect.
Why can't they say,
"Let's eat?"
Hey, Dan, don't you think
it's time to call it quits?
Jess, all I'm trying to do
is make Michelle
a better soccer player.
You sound like my dad.
All he was tryin' to do was
make me a better
baseball player.
But he pushed me so hard,
the guy scarred me for life.
I mean, after school each day
he-he'd crouch behind the plate
and I had to throw a 100 strikes
before I was
allowed to eat dinner.
How did that scar you for life?
To this day I
hate baseball and..
...I still get hungry every
time I see a Greek man squat.
That's not gonna
happen to Michelle.
I happen to be
an excellent soccer coach.
Come on, what do you
know about soccer?
I've never seen you kick
anything but a tire on a car..
...and you missed.
Hey, if you guys just give
me a little bit of room here
I will demonstrate my
amazing soccer skills, okay?
You guys see the knothole
in the fence right there?
- Uh-huh.
Well, don't take
your eyes off it.
Plant the left, swing
the right, and kapowee!
[zapping]
"Plant the left,
swing the right, and kapowee!"
[imitates zapping]
Daddy, how long do you want us
to watch that knothole?
Hey, you owe me 90 bucks
for a new Insect Inferno.
What are you talking about?
I give you exhibit A.
Oh, "Great Balls Of Fire."
This is definitely
two thumbs up.
They'll probably show
this on parent night.
Steph, wait, you can't use that.
Steph, Steph,
this is embarrassing..
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chattering]
Okay, okay. Stay in
position. Don't bunch up.
Michelle, never
ever bunch up!
Yeah, Michelle, if you feel
like you have to bunch up
I say, what the heck?
Go ahead, bunch.
Bunch if you have to,
if you have..
A little bunching now
and again never hurt anyone.
Have fun, kids.
Come on, honey.
(Danny)
'Make some contact.'
Hi, guys.
Did I miss anything?
Yeah, just your dad
and your Uncle Jesse
acting like a couple
of meddling buttinskis.
Why am I never around
for the Kodak moments?
- 'Ha ha. Come on!'
- 'Come on, guys!'
Michelle, hold on a second,
sweetheart. Listen to me.
The game is tied three-three
and there's only a minute left.
Okay? I want you
to be aggressive.
I want you to get out there
go for that ball
and score, okay?
- We can win, honey.
- Okay, daddy.
No, no, no, wa-wait a minute.
It's-it's okay if you don't win.
Alright? It's just a game.
I mean, life goes on.
Tomorrow you're
gonna wake up
you know, the sun
will be shining
the birds will be singing,
you'll have your health
you'll have most
of your teeth..
- Okay, Uncle Jesse.
- Good.
Hey, guys, come on,
I got a game going on.
You see what's
on my shirt?
It says, "Coach," so let me
do my job. Michelle, go on.
- Get in there. Let's go.
- Good luck, honey. Good luck.
(Danny)
'Hey, she's got the ball!'
Okay, honey, we've got
the ball now. We can win!
It's just a game.
Have fun, now.
Michelle, turn around!
You're going the wrong way!
No, no, no, honey.
The other way!
No! No! No!
Michelle, you'll have a lot more
fun if you were going that way.
- It's more fun that way..
- Other way.
Michelle, no!
I scored! I scored! I scored!
[whistle blows]
- Way to go.
- Thank you. Thank you.
You guys are good losers.
Not exactly.
Nice work, Michelle.
What? I scored the winning goal.
Did you happen to
see who the goalie is?
Yeah. He looks a lot like Derek.
He is Derek.
You scored for the other team.
We lost because of you.
[instrumental music]
Oh, come on, now, don't cry.
I mean, who'd expect
Michelle to kick the ball
into her own net
in the first place?
Well, listen, you, you
have a little bite to eat
maybe take a nap
and you'll feel all better.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Derek's taking it
pretty hard, huh?
Well, I don't know about that,
but his father sure is a mess.
Boy, I hope Michelle's
feeling a little better.
Oh, man, it's all my fault.
I put so much pressure on her
she didn't know whether
she was comin' or goin'.
When she started she was
just a happy-go-lucky kid.
Then I got ahold of her and I
worked her and I-I drilled her
until there was nothing left
but just a, just an overworked
over-drilled, little
hunk of overworked
over-drilled kid that was all--
(Joey)
Oh, Danny, co-come..
Don't get your shorts in a knot.
Joey, I'm upset.
No, I mean, your-your shorts
are really in a knot, look.
Oh, Danny,
it-it-it was my fault.
I mean, I was
contradicting everything
you guys said to her, you know?
I mean, I was saying one thing
you were saying one thing.
Jess, I'm telling
you it was my fault.
I was really...I blew it.
Danny, it was my fault.
I was telling her--
It was totally my fault.
I was acting like an idiot.
No wonder she went
the wrong way--
Hey, whoa! It-it wasn't
any one person's fault.
It was both of ya.
Ow.
Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Michelle, is something
wrong with your leg?
Yeah. I just broke it.
Now, I'll never be able
to play soccer again.
Michelle, you're very brave,
you know, coming all the way
downstairs like that
with a broken leg.
Must really hurt.
It does. Look.
I can't even hop on it.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
You know, it's funny
'cause I thought
your other leg was broken.
Oh, yeah. Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Ow. Ow--
- Honey.
I'm not a doctor and I
don't play one on TV.
But I think your
leg is okay now.
I think you're just
feeling bad about
what happened today
at the soccer game.
Well, maybe
it's not broken
but it's still
kind of itchy.
Sweetheart, I want
to tell you something.
I'm really sorry.
I put too much
pressure on you.
I just, I wanted
really, really bad
for you to be
a good soccer player.
That's okay, daddy.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Your Uncle Jesse was right.
You should just play
soccer for the fun of it.
But I don't want
to play soccer.
I want to quit, just like
Uncle Jesse quit baseball.
Hey, hey, hey,
ho-ho-hold it, shorty.
Now, listen, I-I hated
baseball. You love soccer.
If you love something,
you gotta keep doing it.
Right, coach?
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Jess, absolutely.
Uh...Michelle, look
uh...you made a little
mistake today, but..
...what do you say, you
want to give it another try?
I want to play soccer
but everybody's just
gonna make fun of me.
Well, I-I know you're
embarrassed, but..
...everybody gets
embarrassed now and again.
Not like I was today.
I was the most
embarrassed person
in the whole
wide universe.
Ever. Times ten.
Hmm, times ten, huh?
Hmm.
Well, Michelle, I
think I can prove to you
that somewhere
in the universe
there's someone who's a lot
more embarrassed than you.
Michelle, I think
you'll find this
informative and educational.
It's a little
something I like to call
"You Can't Use That."
(Stephanie on TV)
'Okay, we are now entering'
'the Tanner household.'
Steph, what's the deal
with the video camera?
'I'm doing a video
project for school.'
'"A Day In The Life
Of The Tanners."'
Stephanie, I happen
to be in the middle
of a very important
coaching session right now.
'That's okay, just act natural.'
'Wow!'
'When was the last
time you got around to'
'trimming those nose hairs?'
Stephanie, these are
very private nostrils.
(Joey on TV)
'You can't use that.'
[laughing]
Stephanie, there is no way!
Stephanie, Stephanie,
give me that tape!
Come on, I'm really serious!
You cannot have this!
D.J., I-I'm
losing sleeve here.
I mean it,
you cannot use this.
Stephanie, give it
to me! Give it to me!
(D.J. on TV)
'Give it to me!'
Steve, I'm so sorry
about your sweater.
Hey, Deej, it's okay,
I still have the sleeves.
My mom can use
them as leg warmers.
♪ Bad boys bad boys ♪
♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪
♪ When they come for you ♪
♪ Bad boys.. ♪♪
[chuckles]
[clears throat]
Um, h-h-how much of that
did you actually
happen to see?
- "Bad Boys."
Yeah, that's us, Gladys Knight
and the Pipsqueaks.
Alright.
Boys, you've been shampooed
conditioned, and hot-oiled.
I want you standing proud.
Blowing in the breeze
hanging over my face
looking naturally tousled
at just the right angle.
And most importantly
and I can't stress this enough..
...never, I repeat,
never...fall out.
Oh, and, hey, guys..
...let's be careful
out there today.
I'm proud of you.
[laughing]
I knew she was there.
(Joey)
'Oh, yeah.'
Alright, you guys see that
knothole in
the fence over there?
(Michelle and Jesse)
Uh-huh.
(Danny on TV)
Well, don't take
your eyes off of it.
Plant the left, swing
the right, and kapowee!
[zapping]
"Plant the left, swing
the right, and kapowee!"
[imitates zapping]
It'd be a lot funnier if I
didn't owe Gibbler 90 bucks.
(Stephanie on TV)
'Just so you don't think
everyone at the Tanners''
'is a nut-bar, here's Comet.'
'Comet, come get
your rubber pork chop.'
'Come here, boy, come here,
boy. Get your rubber pork chop.'
'Who-o-oa!'
I certainly can't use that.
[chuckles]
Oh! Comet! Oh!
Comet! Whoa!
[all laughing]
I still have some editing to do.
[indistinct chattering on TV]
I scored! I scored! I scored!
Well, at least
I kept my shoe on.
See, Michelle,
the best thing you can do
when you get embarrassed
is just laugh at yourself.
It'll get you through
some really tough times.
So, sweetheart, you
think that leg of yours
is feeling good enough
to play soccer again?
I don't know, daddy.
Ah, we got that big rematch
against the Badgers Saturday.
But what if everybody
starts making fun of me?
Well, just be cool
and laugh along with them.
You're right, Uncle Jesse.
All I did was score
in the wrong goal.
It's not like I
talked to my hair.
[all laughing]
Alright, alright. Okay, alright.
Alright, I think she gets it.
I think she gets it.
Steph, give me the tape.
Give me the tape! Come on!
[indistinct chattering]
Hey, guys.
So, you guys decided to show up.
Isn't there a rule
in this league?
Don't you have to be like, uh
say, this tall to be obnoxious?
Okay, you guys ready to get out
there and beat those Badgers?
- Yeah!
- Alright.
We are, but I don't know
about wrong-way Tanner.
Hey, Joey, isn't there
a way we can trade Aaron
for a loudmouth
to be named later?
That's okay, daddy.
He doesn't bother me one bit.
Come on, everybody!
Let's get out there!
Michelle, you're
going the wrong way!
- Michelle!
- Yeah?
The field's over here!
[indistinct shouting]
Gotcha. Ha ha ha.
Come on, everybody!
Let's go kick some Badger butt!
(kids)
Yeah!
(Danny)
'Have fun, honey!'
[instrumental music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪