[instrumental music]
Hi, Steph.
What you doing?
I'm looking at the shapes
in the clouds.
Why?
- It's relaxing.
- Oh!
Hey, doesn't that look like
a kangaroo in a baseball cap?
- Nope.
- Don't you see it?
It's right there next
to the horse eating the taco.
Horses don't eat tacos.
It's not a real horse.
It's just a cloud.
Clouds don't eat tacos either.
Fine. There's no horse.
There's no tacos.
- There's no kangaroos.
- Told you so.
You know, you really
know how to suck the fun
out of cloud-watching.
Oh, there's the horse.
This is relaxing.
Wow!
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy
the evenin' TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Mm, Monday's gonna be a big day
on "Wake Up, San Francisco."
Our first guest is gonna be the
famous sumo wrestler, Bozoyashi.
Says here he's known
for his flying flab fling.
Yep, and guess whose flab
he's gonna be flinging?
First, I have no flab.
'And you know,
even if I did have a flab'
I wouldn't want it flung around
by a 700-pound guy in a diaper.
I get the feeling we missed
a very interesting conversation.
Guys, you're not gonna believe
this. This is incredible.
You remember that guy
named Buzz Markle?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
The guy
that owned the Smash Club.
Boy, who could forget
that huge blowout
they had for him last year?
The food, the bands,
the dancing.
Yeah, I felt guilty
having so much fun at a funeral.
That's the way he wanted it.
Anyway, they-they finally
settled his will and..
...he left me the Smash Club.
- 'Really?'
- 'What?'
Why me?
- Let me see that.
- Wow.
Well, I don't know, Jess,
you and The Rippers
played the Smash Club
more than anyone.
Yeah, well,
Buzz did love me like a son
and I never made fun
of his toupee.
Oh, come on, you always
made fun of his toupee.
Heck, you called him Rugsy.
Well, not to his face.
Wow, the Smash Club.
I remember the first time
I snuck in.
I was 13 years old, you know.
As soon as I heard
that live music
that live rock and roll music
it changed my life.
The Smash Club, I can't..
I own the Smash Club.
Well, well, uh, Jess,
you don't own it yet.
There's one condition here.
The club's been closed
for two years.
If you don't reopen it,
it will reverse to the state
and they'll turn it
into a parking lot.
Well, they're not gonna
turn it into a parking lot.
I'm not gonna let it happen.
Well, honey, I know that you
have a lot of wonderful memories
but what do you know
about running a club?
Well, in a word, nothing.
Look, I owe it to Buzz to do
the right thing and that's what
I'm gonna do. Oh, yeah, I'm
gonna sort this whole thing out.
I need a place to think. Where,
where's a good place to think?
Harvard.
Look who I'm asking.
- Hi, Michelle.
Sorry, guys.
I can't play right now.
I need to clean up my room.
Oh, that's okay,
you don't have to..
...unless you really want to.
Don't forget the stuff
over there.
Okay.
This has definite possibilities.
Yes! It's Friday!
- We're free at last.
- Let the weekend begin.
(all)
Wa-cha!
Big plans tonight?
- No, we are not gonna..
- No, not really..
Hey, I know.
We could go to the mall.
No, I've been there so much,
my hair's starting to smell
like Orange Julius.
- Hi, kids.
- Hey.
Hey, Uncle Jesse,
congratulations.
I heard some guy
left you the Smash Club.
- Yeah.
- The Smash Club?
You mean that empty, old dive
over on Green Street?
Hey, bite your tongue, Steven.
That empty, old dive
turned me on to music.
It's a piece
of rock and roll history.
A lot of big bands
came out of that dive.
You guys ever heard
of Jefferson Airplane?
The Mamas and Papas?
Sonny and Cher?
Oh, that woman
from the infomercial.
- I know her.
- Oh, yeah.
- Enough of that.
- Yeah, yeah, I know her.
The point is that I gotta keep
the Smash Club alive somehow.
Wish it was alive tonight.
We'd have somethin' to do.
Well, it wouldn't matter anyway.
You had to be 21
or over to get in.
Yeah, yeah, it's like that
in all the cool places.
It's not fair, guys, you know
there's so many cool new bands
out, we never get to hear
any of 'em.
Really?
You know what?
What would you guys say
if there was a place
where you could go
hear new music?
What about the age limit?
No age limit.
No alcohol.
- That's cool.
- That would be great.
- Big dance floor. Good food.
- I would love that.
Would you guys hang out
at a place like that?
- Oh, yeah.
- I'd love to.
What are we waiting for?
Let's go.
- 'Great.'
- Alright.
Ho, ho, ho, hold it.
It doesn't exist yet.
Why do men toy with me?
It doesn't exist yet,
but it's going to.
You know what it's gonna be
called? The New Smash Club.
You guys just gave me
some great ideas.
Thanks.
I have million things to do.
Why would you look
at the wig on old Buzz, huh?
He's got more carpet
on his head than the floor.
Come on, I gotta
clean this place up
if I'm gonna get a loan
from the bank.
'I gotta make this place
look presentable.'
- 'Grab this.'
- Okay, alright.
Oh, looks like we got a little
structural problem here.
This place is a mess.
Try to find a dustpan.
The lady from the bank's
gonna be here any minute.
Okay, let's see what we got.
'Corkscrew.'
'A bucket.'
A rat. A rat? Aah!
[screaming]
Jess, get it!
It was big, and grey,
and dirty, and awful. Oh, God.
Get it! Get it! Get it!
- Is this it?
- Yes. Yes.
Just get it away from me, okay?
Oh!
It's a bar rag.
Well, maybe you wanna get
that smudge right over there.
Stop it!
Get your fat head out of there.
She gonna be here any minute.
Come on, get out.
Ow! Ow!
I'm saying ow.
I..
I can't move. I'm stuck.
(female #1)
'Mr. Katsopolis?'
- 'Yoo-hoo!'
- She's here.
Hi. Hi.
Come right in. Come right in.
Welcome. Nice to see you.
I'm Eleanor Cooke
from Embarcadero Bank.
Hi. I'm Jesse Katsopolis.
[Joey sneezing]
- What was that?
- Um, well, could be anything.
[Joey sneezing]
Uh, an old bar rag, a rat..
[screaming]
A freak under a bucket.
Could somebody hold my nose?
I gotta pop my ears.
Stop it!
Oh, how terribly rude of me.
This is, uh,
this is Joseph Gladstone.
- Hi.
- Our, uh, head waiter.
Anyway, we've, uh, we-we-we used
to be in advertising together
so we've cooked up this
little presentation if you will
to illustrate the need for a
club like this in San Francisco.
So picture, if you will
Jesse and Joey teenager
walking down the street
but in this case, uh, one of us
has a bar on his shoulders.
Me.
Okay, here we are
walking down the street.
[both whistling]
Uh, Jess, ha ha! Uh,
what do you wanna do tonight?
- Uh, mall?
- Did it.
- Movie?
- Seen it.
- Burger?
- Ate it.
- Bowling?
- Hold it.
No, actually bowling
was roll it
but you get it,
it's a rhyming--
No, I meant hold it,
as in please, go no further.
I have some specific questions
we need to discuss.
Oh, that's no problem.
We can handle that.
- Uh, right, little buddy?
- It's alright.
Actually we need to talk about
what kind of loan you want.
Alright. We got the loan.
Joseph, high five.
Actually, I, uh, I meant
we haven't discussed
the amount, the terms, whether
you want adjustable or fixed.
Oh, well, you lend it,
we'll spend it, right?
I also need to know
if the club is up to code.
Uh, what code?
Codes. Uh, health codes,
fire codes, building codes.
How are your footings
and bearing walls?
Oh, fine, thanks, and yours?
I mean, has the foundation
been inspected?
Uh, well, it hasn't, it hasn't
been, uh, inspected per se
but, uh, you know,
I've-I've checked the foundation
and, uh, you know, it's, uh,
it's really holding up..
Well, it's, see,
still standing.
The place is like a rock.
Mr. Katsopolis, it's, uh,
obvious you're unprepared.
I'm afraid I have no choice
but to deny your loan request.
Miss Cooke, you-you can't,
they're gonna turn
this place into a parking lot.
I'm very sorry.
Goodbye, Mr. Katsopolis.
Mr. Gladstone.
Miss Cooke, give us
a second chance, won't you?
Uh, did I mention your hair
looks nice today?
'Cause it does.
Jess? Hello?
Ma-ma-ma..
How you doin'?
The station just sent
over my outfit
for the sumo wrestler segment.
Great. Let's see it.
There's gotta be more to it
than this.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna
need a tanning booth
and a full body wax.
Fashion tip,
don't wear black socks.
- So, uh, how's Jess doing?
- Oh, not good.
He's really depressed.
What does depressed mean?
Um, depressed means,
you know, uh, sad, unhappy.
You know, how you felt
when you found out
that Gumby
wasn't microwave-safe.
Gotcha.
So let's all try
to be extra nice to him, okay?
I'll give him
my last sweet roll.
[Jesse humming]
Good morning,
my beautiful family.
It's nice to see you all.
Good morning.
I love you all
in a very special way.
Individually, that is.
You are depressed?
Depressed? Ha! I don't know
the meaning of the word.
I don't think daddy does either.
Well, get this, I-I just talked
to the lady from the bank
you know, Miss Cooke, and
she said after a little begging
she's gonna give me
another interview.
In order to keep
the Smash Club alive
I've gotta totally be prepared.
So I'm gonna find a book
on, on every code.
Uh, building codes,
health codes
municipal codes, area codes.
If there's a code out there,
I'm gonna crack it.
I'm glad you're happy again,
Uncle Jesse.
Aw, thanks, Michelle.
Here, Michelle.
Ah, this is the life.
Wait a second.
This is a nectarine.
I asked for a peach.
See, this is bald.
Try again.
Nicky, did you find
Waldo yet for me?
No Waldo.
- Keep looking. He's in there.
- Okay.
Okay.
Oh, Becky, that sumo wrestler
really did a number on my back.
Could you do me a favor,
could you, uh
get me an ice pack or somethin'?
Oh, come on, Danny. Bozoyashi
didn't sit on you that hard.
Becky, the only way a 700-pound
guy sits on you is hard.
We're out of ice,
we have waffles
a pint of rocky road,
and a rump roast.
Bring me the rump roast.
Danny, this is our dinner.
I'm gonna defrost it anyway.
Let's eat out tonight.
Ah!
Guys, I'm thirsty.
Where's that water?
Mean Michelle.
- Come on. I'm really dry.
- 'Mean.'
Ah! Hey!
Hey!
My hair! My shirt!
I'm soaked.
- What's going on out here?
- What's happenin' out here?
Nicky and Alex got me all wet.
Boys, that was not very nice.
It gets worse.
They brought me the wrong fruit.
They cleaned my room wrong.
They brushed my hair wrong--
Michelle. Michelle.
Honey, you know what?
It, uh, oh!
It sounds to me
like you're trying to turn
your little cousins
into your own personal servants.
Is that how it sounds?
Maybe I said it wrong.
You know, Michelle, even though
Nicky and Alex are little
they're still people, and we
need to treat them with respect.
I know, but it was so easy.
I'm sorry
for being so bossy.
Are you mad at me?
Okay, next. "Section 27635
of the health code."
27635 of the health code.
27..
Oh, that's, uh, all restrooms
must have self-closing doors.
- Am I right?
- Close.
"Food preparation areas must
be lit to a minimum brightness
of 20 foot candles of light."
Close? How is that close?
It's not.
I was just tryin' to be nice.
I've got one. 27626.
27626, uh, that would be, uh
portable water supply
has to be consistent
with the 1989 standard.
Am-am I right?
I don't know.
I just made up a number.
[doorbell ringing]
Michelle.
Uh, alright. There she is.
Everybody, out.
Come on.
Thank you guys for helping.
Out, out, out, out, out, out.
- Okay.
- Ah!
Are you sure
you don't need any help?
Oh, no,
it-it-it's too late now.
It's just me and her.
Mano-a-womano.
- Hi.
- Good afternoon.
Nice to see you again.
Uh, won't you sit down?
[clears throat]
Can I get you something to eat?
Drink?
- Approve?
- We'll see.
Okay, well, listen,
I've done some research
and I found that the last
major renovation done
to the Smash Club was in 1986.
Oh, then you'll have to upgrade
the food preparation areas
to code.
Right.
Food preparation areas.
That's-that's a,
that's a good..
Uh, you know, we were just
going over that code earlier.
It's, it's actually,
uh, it's actually
one of my favorite codes.
Don't tell me.
Uh, I know it
like I know my address.
- Uncle Jesse.
- 'Yes, what?'
D.J. said
I don't have a bellybutton.
What? Of course,
you have a belly button.
Uh, can't you see
that I'm busy here?
Could you check?
Uh, let me see. Oh, yes,
you do have a bellybutton.
Very good, you go back
and tell D.J. that, uh
you have the bellybutton
of an angel.
Oh, by the way, that-that code
you were wondering
that was, uh, 27635.
I'm sure it was.
Uh, now let's talk
maximum capacity, hmm?
Maximum capacity. Good. That
would be under the fire codes.
Uh, which is, uh, that's a,
that's a good one, too.
You know, it's funny 'cause
I was, I was just, uh..
I was just reading about the
fire codes today in the, uh..
...big red book.
Okay, big red book.
- Big red book.
Hey, speaking of codes
in general, you know
one of my all-time favorite
codes is 07470
which is,
we all know is the, uh
zip code of Wayne, New Jersey.
But you know the odd thing
about that, and I tell people
it freaks them out, it's the
same forward as it is backwards.
- It's a wacky, wacky--
- Bologna-sandwich time.
Oh, would you look at the time?
By God, it is.
Doctor's orders.
Uh, I have low blood fat so..
Uh, let me inspect that
sandwich immediately, please.
I have to..
Uh, yeah, Michelle, you know
that I love brown mustard
on my bologna sandwiches.
Sorry. I'll get it
right tomorrow.
Very good. Run along.
Oh, uh, by the way, that code
just popped into my head.
It was, uh, 74762.
Mr. Katsopolis, let's talk about
things that are a bit more basic
like your financial statement,
hmm?
Oh, great. Very good. Well, uh,
basically, it's-it's right here.
Here's my financial statement,
uh, some basic floor plans
and a basic perspective which
I think you'll basically enjoy.
Oh, good.
I'm very impressed.
- You've done your homework.
- Thank you.
Now the most important question.
Shoot.
Why do you want
to reopen the Smash Club?
Uh, why do I wanna reopen
the Smash Club?
Well, that's-that is a, that's
a, that's a good question.
Why do I wanna.. Why do I
wanna reopen the smash club?
What kind of bread
do you want?
Mr. Katsopolis, I'm afraid
the answer to this one
won't be found in a sandwich.
Hold the mayo. We're busted.
Uh, I-I..
Don't tell me.
I know this one.
Um, profit margins?
- Uh, franchising?
- I don't think you understand.
Give me the first two letters.
Mr. Katsopolis,
I can't help you.
Hey, Miss Cooke,
what do you want from me?
You know,
I-I-I'm not a businessman.
And I'm not
a suit-and-tie kind of guy.
The Smash Club just fell
in my lap, it was the place
that I grew up, it's a place
that's very close to my heart
and I don't wanna see it die.
You know, my plan was
to fix it up, you know?
Introduce a whole new generation
to great music.
I mean, don't you think
a, a family and their kids
deserve a better place
to hang out
other than, uh,
behind a kitchen door?
Listen, Miss Cooke,
I-I don't have all the answers
so you know what,
go ahead and turn me down.
But I promise you,
I'm gonna find a way
to keep the Smash Club open.
I know you will.
That's why
I'm approving your loan.
Really? You're gonna, you're
gonna approve the.. Thank you.
Your answer was exactly
what I wanted to hear.
- It came from your heart.
- Yeah, well, uh..
- I got the big one right.
- Yeah.
Well, you-you got
another thing right too.
You're really not
the suit-and-tie type.
I prefer you
in your leather vest.
Oh, uh, how do you know
I have a leather vest?
Well, I've seen you perform.
I used to work
at the Smash Club.
Really?
You a waitress?
Cage dancer.
Whoo! Ha!
Ginger Snap?
It's good to see you again,
Jesse.
- Nice to see you.
- Take good care of the place.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
I love when you did that.
The whole whoo!
Hey, Uncle Jesse.
We couldn't help overhearing.
- You got the money.
- Yeah!
(both)
Wa-cha!
Alright, yeah.
Well, thank you, guys.
Uncle Jesse,
I wanna be a waitress.
- Yeah, let me decorate.
- I can make bologna sandwiches.
Yo, I'm still..
Hold the thought.
I'm never gonna hear
the end of it from these kids.
Well, actually, honey,
you know what you need.
A karaoke night.
And, uh, I could work
on some new stand-up.
[imitating alien]
Look, I'm a Martian
from another planet.
Do you need a singer?
I got my ax right here.
♪ Play that funky music
white boy ♪
Come on. I know this.
♪ Play that funky music right ♪♪
[theme music]
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪