Hi, guys.
Watcha doing?
Homework.
Nah-uh.
You guys
were kissing.
Wow, you know,
nothing gets by you.
In school, we learned
millions of germs
live in your spit.
Well, Michelle,
when you kiss someone
you-you don't really think
about germs and spit.
Okay, it's your mouth.
Now, where were we?
You know, I think, we should
get back to this geometry..
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart
there's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost
out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do boo do ba ba da ♪♪
[piano music]
[door opening]
Hi, daddy.
Hey!
there's my favorite
family unit.
I'm gonna
get you boys.
I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get
you guys.
Alright. How was your
new playgroup, today, huh?
You guys voted least likely
to have split ends?
Oh, look at that luster.
It's blinding.
I bet all your little friends
were jealous of you guys, huh?
Uh, Jess?
- Hmm?
- Honey.
Can you come here
for a second?
Yeah, hold on
for a second.
Um, about their
little friends..
...they don't have any.
What do you mean
they don't have any?
Well, Mrs. Plankin said
that they won't socialize
with other kids
in playgroup.
They only play
with each other.
Well, they're probably
just too cool.
Same thing happened
with Elvis in his playgroup.
He'd only hang out
with Sonny and Red.
- Jess?
- It's in all the books.
Come on,
this is serious.
Now, Mrs. Plankin
suggested
that we join a
parents-of-twins support group.
We don't need
any support group.
What does this
Plankin character know?
Well, she's got four kids,
a PhD in child psychology
and she wrote a book
"Why Your Twins
Don't Socialize."
It was nominated
for the Pulitzer Prize.
Nominated. Ha!
If she's so smart,
why didn't she win?
Right, boys?
You said it.
High-fives!
Alright.
And, uh, you know
it all, huh?
When it comes to our kids,
that's right.
Honey, look, Beck, look,
the playgroup is probably
just boring, that's all.
- You could do better?
- That's right again.
- Is Thursday good for you?
- Perfect.
- Good.
- Good. What good?
What-What happened?
Well, I'm gonna call
all the parents
and tell them that playgroup
is here next week.
Our house,
this house?
Uh, Beck, just, uh,
just out of curiosity
approximately
how many of these
uh, knee-nibblers
will be joining us?
Only seven,
but don't worry.
It'll feel like
a lot more.
Shouldn't we ask DJ
before we borrow her stuff?
Michelle, DJ and I have
a special understanding.
What's mine is hers,
and what's hers is..
(DJ)
'Hey, who swiped my stuff?'
...still hers.
Uh-huh!
My sweater.
And my bracelets!
You know, I'm tired of you guys
stealing my stuff!
We're not stealing.
We're simply borrowing.
And when did you plan
to give it back?
When you caught us.
That's stealing, you guys go
to my room every time..
[clamoring]
Girls.
Girls!
You know the rule.
No arguing
an hour after eating.
Wanna get a cramp?
Dad, every time
I take a shower
Stephanie goes to my room
and swipes something
and now,
Michelle's doing it, too.
So, stop taking showers.
Then, we'd definitely stop
borrowing your clothes.
Okay, that's enough.
I think It's time
for dad-talk number 42.
Now, wait a minute. 42 would be
table manners at a luau.
Now, this would be, uh,
dad-talk 45, sharing.
It rhymes with caring.
Come on, girls,
you know you have
to respect DJ's property.
Next time you want something,
just ask her for it, okay?
- Got it, dad.
- Okay.
And DJ, you know,
next time, you could be
a little bit
more generous.
- I'll try, dad.
- Okay.
Thanks for the talk.
Sometimes, we just need
a little reminder.
Yeah, my dad talks
are getting pretty good lately.
Maybe I should tape 'em
and try to market 'em, you know?
I could call 'em
"Pop-psychology."
You know, "Pop", like "Dad".
It's just a working title.
It's cute.
Thanks.
Alright, you
little closet-kleptos
hand it over!
You just told dad
you were gonna be more generous.
That was next time.
This is still this time.
Couldn't last time
be this time
so this time
could be next time?
I've got to learn
to tell time.
Come on, hand it over.
Give me all the bracelets.
Every one of them
and the sweater.
♪ The wheels on the bus ♪
♪ Go 'round and 'round ♪
♪ 'Round and 'round ♪
Alright, everybody sing it
like Tony Curtis.
♪ The wheels on the bus ♪
♪ Go 'round and 'round ♪
♪ 'Round and 'round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus ♪
♪ Go 'round and 'round ♪
♪ All through the town ♪♪
"I love you, Spartacus."
Hey, hey, boys, where you going?
Get back on the bus.
I like it here.
Guys, come on, you've gotta
play with the group.
Come on, boys,
they-they're nice kids, I mean..
...sure, there are a few
bad haircuts out there
but...you'll find
that in any group.
Just look at Congress.
Now, come on, guys.
Let-Let's go play with the kids.
Don't you wanna go play
with the kids?
Not today.
- Uh, Jess?
- Huh?
You know, if Mohammed won't go
to the mountain..
Alright,
which one's Mohammed?
No-No, what-what
I'm saying is
if the boys won't
go to the group
bring the group
to the boys, you know?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Well, I-I knew that.
So-So, so, no kid's named
Mohammed, right, I just wanna..
Alright, let's go, group!
Come on, I've got a couple of
lads for you to meet over there.
Let's go.
I'll be a pumped-up goose.
Go on. Bring your
sheleighleigh over there.
See that boys? The kids came
over to play with you!
See you later, daddy.
Guys, where're
you going?
You're supposed to be playing
with the other kids.
Alright, gang. You know what?
They-They'll be right back.
They're really
a lot of fun.
In fact, they're
party animals, these kids.
Now, go play
with Uncle Jo-Jo.
Come on, let's go.
This playgroup is boring!
Hey, cut me some slack.
I run a pretty
good playgroup.
You don't
have a clue.
Oh, playgroup critic,
huh?
Alright, uh, what's your name?
What do they call you?
- What's your moniker, kid?
- Linus Plankin.
Yeah, Plankin.
I heard your mom
lost the Pulitzer.
At least
she got nominated.
Wow, good one!
Uh, nailed
by an ankle-biter, eh?
Get over there
and watch the kids, huh?
I'm dead!
My life is over.
Oh, come on, DJ,
it's not that bad.
Not that bad?
I got a ticket.
My dad's never gonna let me
drive his car again!
I can't believe
I'm a pedestrian.
Deej, this isn't
about religion.
You're gonna
be walking.
You know, Kimmy,
this is all your fault.
Hey, I was
airing out my socks.
Who knew that hanging
your feet out the window
was illegal
in this state?
Well, this ticket says
you're obstructing my view.
Wait, I thought you
got it 'cause her feet
didn't meet current
pollution standards.
Deej, it's
your dad's car.
You've gotta do
the right thing
pay the ticket
and don't tell him.
Well, I guess what he doesn't
know can't hurt him.
That's why nana
waits till grandpa's asleep
before she trims
his ear hair.
Uh, I gotta
go now, Deej.
- Alright, um, good luck.
- Oh, and, Kimmy?
Listen, next time
you decide to stick
your feet out
the car-window
make sure we're going
through, like a car wash.
(Kimmy)
'Bye-bye, Deej.'
Hi, Deej.
How long have
you guys been here?
Seven years.
I don't mean,
on the planet, Michelle.
How much
did you guys hear?
Hmm..
Just enough
to ruin your life.
Look, you two,
not a word to dad.
You mean..
...you want us to keep
something from father?
We couldn't.
Okay, what do
you guys want?
Well, for starters
how about taking a little tour
of your closet?
Okay, you little rats
can borrow my clothes.
That's just
the beginning.
We also need
to accessorize.
♪ Pocket full of posies ♪
♪ Ashes ashes ♪
♪ We all fall down ♪♪
Oh! Slinky in the butt.
That's a big owie.
Here we go.
Look how much fun they're
having over there, guys.
Don't you wanna go over
and play?
- No way.
Oh, come on guys,
y-you don't want your old man
looking like
a bonehead, do you?
Hi, bonehead!
Hi, bonehead.
Alright, time for a little
motivation here.
I didn't wanna
resort to this
but, if you go
over there
and make some
new friends
I'm willing
to give you some..
...gummy bears!
Ah-ah-ah. Not yet.
Not yet. Not yet.
Now, you guys go over there and
make some new friends, come on.
[car door slamming]
Oh, hold on.
Hold on.
Alright, it's mommy.
It's mommy.
Come on, here we go.
Come on, guys.
Here we go.
Follow the gummy bears.
That's it, okay, it's time
to play "WrestleMania,"
everybody.
Jump on Uncle Jo-Jo.
[Joey groans]
- Oh, cut it out.
- That's it, boys.
- Oh.
- Socialize!
Socialize.
Very good.
Oh, hey, hey, welcome
to Uncle Jesse's
house of
friendly fun.
Look at that. They're playing
jump on Joey.
I haven't played
that since college.
Cowabunga!
So, honey, how is
the playgroup going?
Oh, it's going great. I got
'em eating out of my hands.
Uh, you know what?
Nicky and Alex are
making so many new friends
I think we're gonna have
to rush right out and get 'em
a-a Fisher Price rolodex.
- 'Really?'
- Hm-hmm.
Then, how come
Nicky and Alex
are over there
by themselves?
Hmm?
Look, Jess,
we have a problem.
Won't you at least
think about going
to this parents-of-twins
support group?
Alright, thinking,
thinking, thinking, no.
I hope you didn't
sprain anything.
We don't need any support
groups. Our kids are fine.
You know what, they're just a
little tired from glad-handing
all day with their new friends,
that's all.
Alright, guys, ready to go back
and see your pals?
Huh, come on, Alex,
wanna go see your friends?
Hmm, no.
Uh, what about you, Nicky,
you wanna go see your friends?
I don't want to.
Brother.
[sighing]
Beck
we have a problem.
Brother.
Uh, hi, my name is Jesse
and I'm a parent of twins.
- Hi, Jesse!
That's all you
have to say?
"Hi, my name is Jesse
and I'm a parent of twins"
is a major
breakthrough for me.
You're not gonna tell them
about our problem, are you?
It's none
of their business.
I'm sensing
a red aura here.
- Ooh.
What, ooh, what,
what, what?
What aura,
what red aura?
Everyone else's aura
here is green
which means,
open to change
but your energy
is red..."stop."
"Go no further."
Your feelings can't get
through the intersection.
What is this,
traffic school?
Okay, why don't I tell
everyone about our problem--
Becky, Becky,
Becky, please.
I'm sure there are
people here
with problems far more
serious than ours.
Uh, not that we have
a problem, per se.
It's just..
Well, look at this guy.
Now, here's a guy
with problems.
Spill it, man,
uh, uh.
Go through
the intersection.
Let it out.
Thank you.
Yesterday, our
15-year-old twins
Phil and Phyl..
...spelled differently.
They cut school, went down
to Fisherman's Wharf
put on lobster suits
and started pinching
all the tourists.
Lobster suits.
Now, this guy's
got problems.
We're there
for you, man.
Thank you.
When did you first notice
something wrong?
Uh, when they
were about, uh, three.
Yes, uh, they wouldn't play
with any of the other kids.
They were always off
by themselves.
'Boy, I wish we had had a group
like this back then.'
Maybe today, my Phils
wouldn't be dressed up
like crustaceans.
Uh, uh, hold on a second.
You know, back up li'l bit.
Now, you said
when they were three
they-they wouldn't play
with anyone else?
That's right.
We tried everything.
We, we took them to all
the playgroups.
We even tried to bribe
them with candy
worst thing
we could have done.
The more we
pushed them
the more they clung
to each other.
Well, this is,
this is terrible.
You-You gotta do
something, Seth.
Uh, say something.
Help us. Help him.
Help him?
Alright, green light,
green light, green light.
Help me.
It's too late for him.
His kids are lobsters.
Hey..
...no offense, man.
- None taken.
- Okay.
Look, you see,
what Jesse means is-is..
...well, we're having the same
problem with our twins.
Well, I mean,
they're not lobsters yet.
They're more like
little hermit crabs.
But the point is,
they don't like socializing
with anyone
but each other.
This is a very common
problem for twins.
On the one hand, they always
have someone to play with
so, there's no pressure
to socialize
but, on the other hand
it's good to give them
individual attention
interests
names.
Told you, Phil.
Shut up, Phyllis.
Your twins don't have to do
everything together.
If one of them
likes science
and one of them
likes music
take one to the museum
and one to see..."Cats".
Hmm, yeah. Yeah, I-I see
what you're saying.
So, so, let them go out
and do their own thing.
In that way, you know, then
maybe they'll meet other kids
that like to do
what they like to do.
Very insightful, Jesse.
Yes, very good, Jesse.
Thank you.
Yeah, well, uh..
...insight's always been
a, uh, forte of mine.
We have a little
tradition here
when someone has
a breakthrough.
Oh, yes, huh?
Check this out.
My first night,
I'm already getting an award.
- Jess?
- Yes?
You get to wear
the green-aura fedora.
- 'Oh.'
- 'Yes!'
- Steph, that's my new blouse!
- I know.
Don't you think the color
brings out my eyes?
Oh, I'll bring out
your eyes.
And I'll bring out
your ticket
which will bring out
that vein in dad's head
when he starts screaming.
[humming]
Michelle, why are you
wearing my sweater?
'Cause I can.
That's it. You guys are
taking this way too far.
Fine, why don't you
tell dad?
Tell dad what?
Tell dad how great
the girls...look in my clothes.
Oh, yeah.
You know what would look
great with this blouse?
A new pair of socks.
New socks?
I think new socks
would be just the ticket.
Fine.
I want you guys to get
everything you deserve.
This is just wonderful
to see my daughters getting
along with each other like this
showing each other
love and respect.
Wow, it's nice to see
that my dad-talk
the other morning,
had this much impact on you.
My dad-talks never
have this much impact on you.
What's going on
in here?
- Nothing.
Nothing?
Hmm.
You know, when-when sisters say
there's nothing going on
it usually means
that they're hiding something.
Now, DJ has been acting
extra generous lately.
Why?
And Stephanie and Michelle
they've been acting
extra greedy lately.
Why?
You know,
it can only mean one thing.
I did it.
I used her toothbrush
to brush Comet's teeth.
Okay, it can only
mean two things.
But we're gonna talk
about that one later.
Dad, call off
the investigation.
I got a ticket.
Now, it wasn't
a speeding ticket or anything.
Kimmy was airing out
her socks
and her feet
obstructed my vision.
You know, I thought the car
smelled funny.
I thought you just hit
a muskrat or something.
DJ, why didn't
you tell me?
I'm sorry, dad.
I, I was afraid that you
would get mad at me
and never let me
use your car again.
Hmm.
I don't suppose somebody
found out about all this
and, uh, used this information
to enhance
their own wardrobe?
That's you,
right, Steph?
That's both of us.
I'm sorry, Deej.
Me too.
Okay, I'll tell you how we're
going to deal with this
for the next two weekends,
alright
DJ, the only time
you can use my car
is to take Michelle
and Stephanie
anywhere they want to go.
Dad, that's not fair.
I think it's
extremely fair.
Then, you, you're gonna just
love this part then.
For the next two weekends
Steph, you and Michelle
are grounded.
Grounded?
But then, DJ can't
take us anyplace.
You see,
that's the fair part.
What does elephant say?
- He's chasing him.
- He's chasing him?
- Hey, guys.
- 'Hi.'
- How was the zoo?
- Oh, it was great.
Nicky really loves animals
and you know what?
He made a new friend
named Stuart.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, Nick?
Tell daddy
what Stuart said.
"Camels stink."
I don't want him hanging
around Stuart anymore.
How was the park?
Oh, it was a blast.
He played with a bunch
of little Baby Ruths.
Tell mommy, tell mommy
what you hit.
Daddy's head.
Yeah. It felt like
a home run, too.
Alright, you guys
had fun today.
You did your separate things.
You made some new friends.
Now, go ahead
and go get reacquainted.
Let's go, brother.
Okay.
Well, honey,
you've got to admit
that support group had
some pretty good ideas.
Well, except
for the hat.
Yeah, well, I-I will say this
one thing, they do validate you.
Ooh, validate.
Jess, you're really getting
into the psychology lingo.
I meant the parking.
You're right, Beck,
it was good, it was good
we went to the group.
And the truth is that, uh,
I think they really helped us.
Honey, just clear
something up for me.
If you knew
that we had a problem
why did you have
such a hard time admitting it?
I don't know, Beck.
Maybe I was..
...maybe I was afraid of what
I might find out, that's all.
Like what?
Eh, like I'm doing
something wrong
like this whole thing
is my fault
like I'm messing up
my kid's life.
I just..
Well, I guess I just didn't
want to face it.
Oh, sweetie.
Everybody makes mistakes.
I mean, no parent
is perfect
but if you deny
that you have a problem
and you don't ask
for help
well, the next thing
you know
your kids are dressing up
in lobster suits.
Hmm.
Well, let me
tell you something
I learned something
very valuable.
Now on, if I need help
I'm not gonna be afraid
to ask for it.
You know..
...you're kind of sexy
when you're vulnerable.
Help,
my lips.
Help. Help.
- Hm-hmm.
- Yeah, right here?
Yeah, it's a...have
a little, here, pain.
As to which,
I must say..
...have mercy.
[theme music]