[instrumental music]
Nicky, Alex.
What are you doing?
- It's a fort.
- Oh, it's a fort, huh?
Well, I see you used every
cushion and pillow in the house
to make this fort.
I didn't do it.
Boys, it's not nice
to tell a fib.
It's true, mama.
Well, I'm sorry, you guys
but you brought all
these pillows down
and now you're gonna have
to bring them back upstairs.
Alright, let's go.
Help mama.
Oh!
[imitating John Wayne]
Well..
...there goes another fort
torn down by somebody's..
...mommy.
Get 'im.
Get Joey!
Get 'em!
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy
evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
Okay, Joey, here we go.
Please, uh..
- Come at me with this banana.
- Danny, look.
I know you're really into
this self-defense class
but I highly doubt that
you're gonna get attacked
by some crazed fruit vendor.
Come on. I gotta practice my
disarm-and-disable move.
Oh, alright.
Okay, here, okay.
Haahhh! Haahhh!
Oooohh! Uziemahtah!
Ooh!
Ohhh! Eee! Aah!
Ooh-zoh! Ah! Ooh!
Uh-oh!
I think I'd better
work on that move.
[knocking on door]
'Hey. Can I get
a little help here?'
Hey! Hey, girls, Uncle Jesse's
back from Greece!
- Hey!
- Nice outfit.
Oh, nice luggage.
Hi, Joey.
Missed you guys.
- Uncle Jesse!
- Hi!
- Hey, girls! Mmm!
- Hi.
- I missed you--
- I missed you.
Well, How did it go
at Papouli's funeral?
well, you know what?
It was really beautiful.
I don't know. In a way, it was
like a celebration of his life.
It was really, really nice.
It's nice you went
back there for it.
Alright, gang,
on a happier note
I've brought a surprise back
from the old country
that you guys are gonna love.
A pony?
No, Michelle, no.
A pony's a little bit difficult
to store in
the overhead compartment.
No, no. You guys
are gonna to love this.
Stavros!
Surprise!
Everybody, this
is the surprise.
This is my cousin,
Stavros, from Greece.
I hope he didn't have to fit
in the overhead compartment.
Hah hah hah hah hah!
Oh, such handsome,
beautiful family.
Now it's time
to play "hug the cousin."
- Ohhh!
- Hello.
Hello. Aye!
Mmm! Ohh.
[speaking foreign language]
Ooh. Dee, dee, dee,
guee, guee, guee!
Uncle Jesse, Cousin Stavros
looks a lot like you.
Yeah, you guys
are definitely related.
Oh.
You think so, huh?
Handsome boy, but
this nose of Greek god.
That's a nose
of cockapoo.
Well, enough laughter.
I must get to seedy hotel
in bad part of town.
- Bye-bye.
- 'You know what, Stavros?'
Absolutely not.
We would be honored
if you would stay here
and be our guest
in our house.
Oh, Dan. Now I must give
big kiss on forehead.
You know what? Maybe just a nice
handshake in the hallway..
No, no, no, no, no.
Mwah!
La meme! Mmm!
Boys, daddy's home!
Daddy! Daddy!
Hello, kiddies.
Hey, uh, guys..
...I'm daddy over here.
Sorry, mister.
- There's daddy.
- Come here!
Oh, I missed you.
Mwah.
Give me a kiss.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Oh, such beautiful twin boys.
Now I know where
they get good looks.
From beautiful mother.
Thank you!
Who are you?
Oh, honey, uh..
Becky, boys..
...this is your cousin,
Stavros, from Greece.
He's in town for a few days.
Oh, this is Stavros. Jesse has
told me so much about you.
Yeah, remember I told you
when I was 11
I spent the whole summer
in Greece.
And Stavros treated me
like a brother.
Right. You taught him about
the birds and the bees?
Well, actually,
it was goats and weasels.
Goats and weasels.
That explains a lot.
- Hey!
- 'Hey, guys.'
Hey, so..
...where did you take
Stavros sightseeing?
Golden Gate Bridge,
Fisherman's Wharf?
The racetrack.
You took Stavros
to the racetrack?
No. He took us.
Stavros took you
to the track?
Track is very educational.
[belching]
Just tell papa what you learned.
Don't bet your tooth fairy money
on a long shot.
Thanks for use
of car, Dan.
I parked right
in great spot.
Right in front
of little rocketship
where dogs go pee-pee.
"Rocketship..
...where dogs go pee-pee."
Fire hydrant.
Do me a favor. Don't put
that back in the fridge.
Dan.
Oh, you play some form
of card game here?
Yeah, it's, uh, it's called gin.
Do you play?
Oh, I'm, uh..
Well, uh..
I'm not very good.
[imitating W.C. Fields]
Well, then, sit down
my well-coiffed foreign friend.
Sit down.
Come on, Diamond Joe,
one more.
Nothing or double.
Stavros, I'll pass.
I already owe you $46.
- And I've only got 20 bucks.
- It's okay
Friendly game.
I'll take watch.
Nice doing business
with you.
[doorbell ringing]
That's for me.
I'll get it.
Hey, who ordered pizza?
I ordered for everybody.
- Oh, great!
- That's really cool.
- That'll be 20 bucks.
- I will get it.
- Thanks.
Hey, uh, Stavros?
Don't you owe
that guy, uh, 20 bucks?
Oh, I only have drachmas.
D.J., be gemstone.
Pick this one up.
Oh...uh..
Well, that cleans me out.
Anyone got a tip?
Here's a tip.
If you tickle me
with a feather duster..
...I purr like Catwoman.
'Thanks. Bye.'
[indistinct]
Oh!
Well, it smells like something
crawled in there and died!
They should have delivered
that thing in a lead box.
It's double feta cheese
and lamb guts.
Enjoy!
Uh, Deej, we'd love
to stay, but..
Uh, b-but I'm gonna hurl.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hi.
Whew! That was a great workout.
That is hot.
Excuse me?
I mean the cheese...is hot.
It's dang-near bubbling.
Really?
Well, uh..
...don't burn the roof
of your mouth.
Beautiful.
Well, it's...just a carrot.
Anyone tell you
you hold vegetables like..
...Greek goddess?
Not recently.
Mmm!
And you smell...poppin' fresh.
Well, I was just at the gym
and I rubbed on some Bengay.
This "Ben" lucky guy.
Hey!
Oh, sorry.
Y-you smell so good
I-I-I just can't control..
Bad nose! Bad nose!
Stavros..
...you keep your nose
out of my business.
Sorry. Is, uh..
I-I will spank nose.
He has mind of its own.
Bad nose. Bad, bad nose.
Bad nose.
Beep-beep.
Hey, look, gang. Pizza.
[all groaning]
When did they start using
dirty laundry as a topping?
At least there's
one happy customer.
[growling softly]
Or not.
[whimpering]
Guys...I am not a happy camper.
Look at this.
I-I got a parking ticket for
parking next to a fire hydrant.
Stavros just
cost me 65 bucks.
Yeah, well, he cost me
20 bucks and my watch.
Wait. He had 20 bucks?
He cost me 20 bucks for
that hot goat on dough.
Yeah, well, he hustles
more than just money.
When I was in the kitchen with
him, he tried to hit on me.
Wow. Stavros is a sleazebag.
Well, you know, he does
have one good quality.
He's leaving
Thursday at 9:18.
I think maybe we should
just, you know
try to hang in there
until then, okay?
Hey, guys. Oh, I'm glad
you're all here.
What do you think of Stavros?
Isn't he a great guy?
- Oh, yeah.
- He's been really nice.
Yeah. It's a shame
he has to leave so soon.
Thursday, 9:18.
Well, I don't know, guys,
I have great news. Now get this.
Because Stavros loves America
and all you guys so much
he's thinking about moving here.
I figured, since everyone
gets along so well
I've asked him to, you know,
stay here and live here with us
until he gets settled.
What do you guys think?
Uh, Jess, I don't know
if Stavros staying here
is such a good idea.
Danny, it's okay. You know what,
I-I know what your concern is.
Stavros used your razor
to shave his chest
but, you know what,
I'll talk to him about it.
No. That's not it..
He did what?
Jess, the guy's a con man.
'He's been hustling us
ever since he got here.'
Con man?
I can't believe what you guys
are saying here.
Now, when I was a stranger
in Stavros' country
he treated me like a,
like a brother.
And he's family. You insult
Stavros, you insult me.
Listen, Jess. Stavros
made a pass at me.
I had to hit him
with a carrot.
'Honey, i-it's okay.
H-he told me about it.'
It's all a big
misunderstanding.
He's Greek. You know
how Greeks are?
T-they're passionate.
They're physical.
He didn't mean anything by it.
Hey, Stavros.
Where are you going?
Back home to Greece.
Well, have a nice trip.
- Yeah! Bye!
- See you later!
[indistinct chatter]
Stavros, you can't leave yet.
Oh, sorry, Jesse. Just spoke
to relatives back home.
Huge disaster.
Eh-eh-eh, village
of Polopolis is no more.
Homes destroyed,
everybody homeless.
Major mud slide
plopped on Polopolis.
Pfft.
- Oh, man. Sorry.
- Oh, wow.
That's terrible. Is there
anything we can do?
I don't know.
Now I must go home.
But first..
...I must give back
all things I took.
Watch.
Money.
And apologize to pretty lady
for...poor manners.
Maybe mud slide
is punishment..
...because of bad behavior.
I'm sorry.
We're sorry too.
What-what can we do
to help you?
Eh..
I don't know.
If only some way
to raise funds.
How about a fund-raiser?
Why I no think of that?
That's a great idea.
You know what?
We can, uh, we can
use the smash club.
Hey, you know, we had
a dance-athon at our school
for the children's
hospital.
Volunteers would dance
and people would sponsor 'em.
We made a fortune.
I volunteer to dance
as long as I have to.
I volunteer too
even if I have to stay up
way past my bedtime.
[Greek instrumental music]
'Hopa!'
Hopa!
Hey-hey!
Excellent!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
now danced for one hour!
Congratulations. Now we still
need more dancers, okay?
So if you want to dance,
come on up here
get a number,
put on your back
and got out in the dance floor
and shake your moussaka.
If you don't wanna dance,
sponsor a dancer
sign up right here with
my lovely wife, Rebecca.
I told you there's no way
they'd get me out there
to dance till I drop.
You said it.
Hi, guys.
You want to dance?
Till we drop.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
I'm exhausted.
I don't know how much longer
I can go on.
Really? I could
dance all night.
[applause]
Okay. Dance-athon over.
Time to put money
where my hand is.
[speaking foreign language]
(Stavros)
'Dig in pockets.'
- 'More, more money.'
- What's this?
A plane ticket.
Deej, look.
Stavros is flying to Orlando,
Florida tonight.
'Hey, girls.'
Hey, Aunt Becky, you might
be interested in this.
Stavros is flying
to Orlando tonight.
Oh, no.
I bet this whole
mud slide thing
is just another one
of his scams.
By tomorrow, he's gonna be
cruising the magic kingdom
trying to get
Tinkerbell's phone number.
We better tell
Uncle Jesse.
Oh, you know how Uncle Jesse
feels about Stavros, Steph.
'He's not gonna believe us.'
We're gonna have to prove it
to him, and you know what?
I think I have a way
to do it. Come here.
[inaudible]
[knocking on door]
It's open.
Michelle said you wanted
to see me alone.
Oh, yes.
I'll be frank.
Can I still be Stavros?
Whatever turns you on.
Stavros, I know I haven't
known you that long
but...I have the--
The hots for my bod-bod?
Well, I wasn't going to put it
exactly like that, but..
Yes-yes.
I don't know
if you know this
but yesterday, I couldn't take
my eyes off of you
while you ate SpaghettiOs
with your fingers.
Spoons are for wimps.
Now, kiss me,
yankee-doodle dollface.
I will.
But, um, first..
...I'd like to ask
you a question.
How would you like
to run away with me
someplace warm
and romantic?
The kind of place you want to go
after you've won the Super Bowl?
This is fate with big "F"
and little "ate."
I'm going to Florida tonight.
Let's paint town with roller!
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
What about this benefit and
all the money we're raising?
Oh, Becky.
This, this whole thing
is fake as three-drachma bill.
Now kiss me before
my breath spray wears off.
Um, I would but I have a feeling
we're gonna be
interrupted any second.
[knocking on door]
Did I call that or what?
[sighing]
How come you're not Jesse
in a jealous rage?
Maybe because
we couldn't hear you?
I should probably turn
the microphone on.
Probably.
Stavros...your loafer's untied.
Oh, hah-hah-hah-hah.
You make joke with Stavros.
And now we kiss.
Yes...we kiss.
But, first, do you know
what would really, really
drive me wild?
Painting sad clowns
on my toenails?
Well, yes..
...certainly..
...but, um, first..
...I would really love it
if you would, uh..
...tell me your whole
brilliant plan..
...one more time!
Oh, so that's what floats
your tuna boat.
[Stavros over speaker]
'First of all,
there was no mud slide.'
(Rebecca)
'Really, Stavros?'
'Oh, tell me more.'
'Louder.'
We sneak off to Florida..
Why you sticking flowers
in my face?
So everyone can hear you!
A microphone!
Does this mean you
do not want to go?
Jess!
'If you're listening,
here he comes!'
Hold it!
Hoo-ahh!
Oowwhhaa!
Get him, Uncle Jesse!
I got him, Jess!
Alright, guys, let him go.
Stavros, how could you
do this to me?
To my family?
I trusted you, man.
I looked up to you.
Oh, look at you.
All I'm hearing in Greece
is about Jesse in America.
How wonderful
job is..
...beautiful wife,
perfect family.
Alright. Maybe I do
have all that.
But I didn't get it
by stealing.
I worked for it.
Maybe that's something
you should try.
I did try.
I worked
very, very hard.
Worst day of my life.
You hurt me, Stavros.
You may be family, but..
...you're out of here.
I'm sorry, guys.
It's okay, Jess.
Come on, Stavros.
You got a plane to catch.
Thursday, 9:18.
Be there.
Let's go.
I'm sorry, guys. I should
have listened to you.
And everybody, I, I'm gonna
make sure you get
all your money back.
Or you could give it
to a really good cause
like the children's hospital.
Good idea, Deej.
What do you say?
Can we do that?
[applause]
Oh, I'm sorry, Beck.
I should have listened
to you about Stavros.
Well, when you care
about someone
sometimes it's hard
to see the truth.
Forgive me?
I'll take that as a yes.
What are you looking at?
This is not a free show.
Go on, then,
dance, music!
Oh, my!
[instrumental music]
Hopa!
(female #1)
'Whoo!'
[music continues]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪