[instrumental music]
Alright, Aunt Becky,
prepared to be amazed.
Alex, if you will..
[Alex giggles]
And we say
the magic words..
...presto, stretcho.
[squeaks]
Ta-da!
[stomping]
Our next show
will be in 30 minutes.
Steph, you stretched
my little boy.
Now, how's he gonna fit
in his little bed?
Don't worry, mommy.
We're still small!
♪ Aah aah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby doo baa ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Joey, someone's here
for your PTA meeting.
Oh, yeah?
Who is it?
Well, it's your co-president
and not-so-secret admirer,
Mrs. Carruthers.
Oh, I hope she didn't
bring her hands.
Oh, there you are, Joey!
Now, don't you
keep me waiting.
My meter's running.
[giggling]
It's just because you're
so gosh darn irresistible.
Oh, yeah,
it's a curse.
Hey, everybody.
My search
for a new lead guitarist
is about to end.
Check out this ad
I put in the paper.
"Wanted for band.
One down dude
with an ax."
Down dude with an ax.
Jess, you better be careful.
You could wind up
with a depressed lumberjack.
[laughs]
I'll just arrange
my shrimp balls over here.
Honey, this new band
has gotta be
ten times hotter
than The Rippers.
You know, I gotta find
a guy that lives for the music.
You know, a guy with real
rock 'n' roll in his blood.
Jess, you know,
I-I-I play guitar.
Well, I-I'll keep that in mind
for the next family hootenanny.
No, Danny. I-I need someone
with band experience.
Oh, hey, I have band experience.
In high school, I was
with a group called
Four Guys Named Danny.
Oh, the name was a coincidence,
but we just thought
we'd run with it.
Jess, I am one down dude
with an axe. I am!
More like a lanky loner
with a ladle.
I'm serious, at least
you can do is let me audition.
No, the least I can do
is ignore you completely.
Hey, can somebody get in here
with some snacks, please?
And, maybe, a tranquilizer gun,
please?
Uh, Mrs. Carruthers, the rest
of the executive committee
is gonna be here
any minute.
Oh, you Silly Billy!
This is
the executive committee.
You, me, and a couple of
throw pillows.
Oh! Oh, Danny, Danny!
I-I saved you a seat
right over here
in the middle.
There you go, right.
So, uh, Mrs. Carruthers
why exactly did you
call this meeting?
Well, A..
...because of that
pesky flu epidemic
there is a serious shortage
of substitute teachers.
And, B...because I just
got a new outfit.
I wanted you
to see it. Ta-da!
I think,
I can help you out.
It zips in the back!
No, I was talking about
the teacher shortage.
When I graduated
from college
I got a teaching certificate.
- Is that thing still good?
- Oh, I always renew it.
I figured, you know,
if my radio career goes south
I've got something solid
to fall back on.
Mm-hmm, if you ask me
you've already got something
solid to fall back on.
(Danny)
'Hey, honey.'
[door shuts]
Was Ms. Ullman
back in school today?
No, and we didn't have
a substitute, either.
What did you do all day? Don't
tell me another film strip?
Yep, a real winner.
The making of maple syrup
from forest to flapjack.
Joey, do you know what wonderful
idea just occurred to me?
Uh, Mrs. Carruthers, remember,
there is a little one present.
Oh!
Well, in that case,
I've got another idea.
You could substitute teach
Michelle's class.
Joey, it would be so cool
if you were our teacher!
Okay, sure. It sounds like you
guys are in a tough spot.
I'll-I'll give it a shot!
This will be so much fun.
The only time we ever laughed
at Mrs. Ullman
is when she tucks her dress
in her pantyhose.
[laughing]
This should be very interesting,
my daughter being taught
by a man who has
every "Scooby Doo" on tape.
Hey, I'm serious.
Teaching is
a huge responsibility.
You know, suddenly,
I feel useful.
Noble, a productive member
of society.
It's like the guy who looked
at a lollipop and said
"I could put a hunk
of Tootsie Roll
inside this thing."
There's nothing
more inspiring
than watching that man
walk out of a room.
[crickets creaking]
Hi, everybody.
Am I wrong or do you think,
maybe, it's time
to spruce up the message
on the old answering machine?
You know, what,
I'm thinking reggae.
[music from guitar]
♪ Telephone be ringin' mon ♪
♪ That's what I be
singin' mon ♪
♪ Message at the beep
mon yeah ♪♪
Dad, if that's gonna be
on our answering machine
I'd be movin', mon.
Danny, if I don't let
you audition
how long is this nonsense
gonna go on?
Pretty much night and day.
Flamenco!
[music from guitar]
No, Uncle Jesse, please
give him the audition!
Stop the insanity!
Stop, stop, stop!
Whoa!
Alright, audition.
5 o'clock tomorrow. Be there.
I'd practice all night, mon.
Thank you.
[music from guitar]
[school bell ringing]
Really? Joey's teaching
our class today?
Yeah, get ready
for funny voices, great jokes.
Oh, one warning.
- Don't pull his finger!
- Okay.
My sides are aching
just thinking
about the hilarity to come.
Oh, and remember, when
Joey's goofing around
don't drink anything.
How come?
You'll be
laughing so hard
it'll come out
of your nose!
That sounds gross!
I love it!
[clearing throat]
[all gasping]
Class, your teacher today
is Mr. Gladstone.
Let's all say,
good morning.
(all)
Good morning, Mr. Gladstone.
Well, good morning,
everybody.
I want everyone to be on
their best behavior today.
Oh, I will be.
I mean, they will be.
[laughing]
Kids, that was not
supposed to be funny.
Well, I guess, I'll just
head back to my office
and take
another quick look
at your teaching
certificate.
Okay, kids, now,
let's get down
to the business of learning,
shall we?
[laughing]
That's funny. Joey's pretending
to be serious.
[laughing]
Hey, come on,
I am being serious.
We've got a lot of ground
to cover today.
So let's start by opening
our science books
to chapter four.
[imitating Bullwinkle]
Hey, rock, watch me pull
chapter four
out of my hat.
[laughing]
Come on, let's all
calm down now, okay?
Hey, Joey, do Porky Pig.
Uh...Michelle..
...uh, first off
at school,
it's Mr. Gladstone.
And I'm not doing
Porky Pig.
Porky! Porky!
(all)
Porky, Porky!
That's enough.
(all)
Porky, Porky!
Alright.
Let's all settle down.
'Time out, okay?'
(all)
Porky!
Alright!
Alright, that's it!
Now, the next person
who makes even one little peep
is going straight
to the principal's office.
Come on, Joey.
Lighten up.
[all gasp]
Michelle?
- What? I didn't peep.
- Don't worry.
I'm sure it was just
an empty threat.
Now, Michelle,
you heard me.
And I'm afraid, I'm gonna
have to send you
straight down
to Mrs. Homewood's office.
- Me?
- Yes, you. Now!
Thanks a lot,
Mr. Gladstone.
I thought
you were my friend.
[instrumental music]
[door closes]
[music from guitar]
[dog whining]
Comet...that's very rude.
I wasn't finished yet.
[dog whining]
[music continues]
Joey, why the sad face?
What happened?
One of the big kids
take your milk money?
Well, yeah.
But I'm over that.
I gotta be the world's
worst substitute teacher.
[door slams]
I'm sure
you're not the worst.
Do I get a vote?
Michelle, that's not
very nice.
He sent me
to the principal's office!
Joey, that's not
very nice.
Danny, the whole class
was out of control
and I said,
"the next person who talks
goes straight
to the principal's office."
And the next person
happened to be Michelle.
Is that true?
Well, part of it.
Which part?
The part Joey said.
Well, if that's the case
I think, maybe Joey
did the right thing.
You gotta go upstairs
in your room
and think about it
for a while.
Boy, you give a guy
a tie and a book
with the answers in the back
and he forgets
who his friends are.
Wow! How do you divide ten
hot-looking guys by three girls?
Simple, five for D.J.,
five for me
and zippola
for little Miss Get Real.
This is amazing!
Uncle Jesse puts an ad
in the paper for one day
and this place
is packed!
So how come, I run
a personal ad for a month
and don't get
a single response?
Next time,
leave your picture out.
Alright.
There you go.
Okay, guys,
who wants ice cream?
Let me rephrase that.
Who wants ice cream,
but can't read yet?
Alright.
How about this?
Wants ice cream,
can't read, no tattoos?
We have two winners!
- Yay!
Alright! Let's get
some ice cream.
What kind do you want,
chocolate or vanilla?
Valabalala.
Vadela? Okay.
Hey, D.J., is it time
for my audition yet?
Dad, I told you before,
Uncle Jesse said
"5 o'clock, no earlier."
I know, I know,
I just thought, maybe
there'd be
some cancellations..
...or arrests.
[sighs]
Alright, thanks, pal.
Alright, who's next?
Um, first up is Crash
then Scuzz, then Scab.
Scuzz, Scab.
Maybe-maybe I need
a tough rock 'n' roll name
like that, huh?
Oh, hey, I got a great one.
How about, Soap Scum?
No, I don't think
that's too tough.
How about, Mildew?
Ooh, that's vicious!
[music from guitar]
Alright, thank you, Splinter.
That's enough!
[music from guitar]
Thank you, Splinter. I got it,
Splinter, thanks.
Right, thank you,
Splinter.
[music from guitar]
And we thank you.
Splinter,
have a nice day.
What?
Thank you. Right up,
right up the stairs.
Okay.
Don't call us.
How come, there's never a power
failure when you need one?
Honey, they've all been bad
but nobody could be worse
than Splinter.
Here's Mildew!
You were saying?
Alright, Danny, uh
plug it into the amp,
turn it down a little bit.
And you got 15 seconds,
starting...now.
Okay, I've been-I've been
practicing really hard.
Here-here goes nothing.
[music from guitar]
Danny, that was killer!
All these years
working with you
Who knew you actually
had talent!
I mean, on the guitar?
So you're saying,
I'm a lot hotter
and hipper than you
thought I was?
A little.
And, uh, how about you,
how about you, brotha man?
What do you think?
Well, uh, brotha man,
you were, uh...very good.
It's-it's, it was-it was good.
Listen, let me, uh,
let me, just go over
a few of the notes here
and some of the other players
and-and we'll get back to you.
You just, you take your time.
Mildew's gonna chill.
Jess, you gotta admit it.
Danny's the best one
you've seen today.
I know, I hate to admit it.
You're right, he is the best one
we've seen today.
But the thought
of Danny Tanner in my band.
It just doesn't jive.
You know, he just, he doesn't
have the right image.
You know, he's-he's,
he's just not rock 'n' roll.
He's more..
...spic 'n' span.
I know, but if you're
gonna be fair
you have to give
the job to Danny.
I don't wanna be fair.
I wanna be cool.
Wait, there's one more.
Thanks, D.J..
You remembered my name!
Yeah, it's a great name.
You think so?
It's only
two letters.
[laughs]
Yeah, but if I tattoo
it on my arm
it probably won't
hurt that much.
Well, you've already passed
the pre-interview.
Oh, sorry!
Guys, this is Viper.
- Hey.
- Hey, I'm her father Mildew.
You could tattoo
that on your--
Hey, hey!
Ho ho ho!
Listen, uh, Mildew..
...just wait over there.
Viper, you can,
uh, you can
plug into the, uh,
freshly scrubbed amp here.
And, uh, let's see
what you got.
[music from guitar]
[music continues]
[applauding]
Alright, man.
You got some pretty
juicy chops there.
Funny, I said that
to the butcher this morning.
The point is, that was...
pretty incredible.
Thanks.
Congratulations, Viper!
- You got the gig.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, congratulations!
Ho ho ho!
Mildew, Mildew.
Listen, uh..
...you got some pretty
juicy chops yourself.
Yeah, I know. They're marinating
in the refrigerator.
I'm serious. I'm serious.
You were very impressive.
You know, if Viper hadn't
come down here blown us all away
I can safely
say this now, I..
...I would've offered
you the gig.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow!
And, Jess, just thinking
that you..
...think I was good enough
for your band
that really means
a lot to me.
Yeah, ain't no thing.
I hear you,
brotha man!
You know, it would've been
a lot of fun for you and me
just gigging
on the road together.
Oh, yeah!
Sitting on that bus
all the time
just looking out
the window together
watching the old highway
go by.
Yeah.
Uh, playing
license plate bingo.
- Oh!
- Sharing a nut log.
Hm.
Yeah, it's gonna
be tough
but I'm gonna
have to get over it.
Thanks. Mildew,
ladies and gentlemen!
Mildew!
Thank you
for being born.
[giggling]
Uh-oh. Look who's back.
Mr. Madstone.
Don't provoke him.
Let's just straighten up
and fly right.
Even better, let's give him
the silent treatment.
Alright, everyone,
well, uh
let's get started,
shall we?
And, uh, by the way,
it's really nice to see
all of your bright, shiny,
smiling faces again today.
Okay.
How about a little, uh,
geography?
Why don't we, uh, why don't we
go over some
state capitals?
Um, let's start
with California.
The state capital
of California is?
'Anyone?'
Okay, I'll, uh, I'll give
you a little hint.
It starts with sac
and ends with remento.
Of course, it's right here,
near the Sacramento airport.
[imitating Popeye]
Gosh, that map's on a roll.
[laughing]
Oh, hey, well,
now that's a lot better
than the silent treatment.
[laughing]
If you thought
that was funny
then you're gonna love
this next impression
I've been working on.
It's brand-new.
And it's called..
..."the first astronaut
on the face of the sun."
Ouch, ooh! Ouch!
Ooh ow ouch!
Come on, you guys
get up and try it.
(all)
Ooh! Ouch!
(all)
Ow ow! Ooh ow!
It's hot.
Ooh, it's hot.
[clears throat]
Boy, you got
to teach me that.
What's going on here,
Mr. Gladstone?
Well, Mrs. Homewood,
actually, uh
you caught us in a rousing round
of...spelling tag.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, Derek, you're it.
Conjunctivitis. Go.
C-O-N-J-U..
Mr. Gladstone,
may I see you
in the hall...now?
I think, now would be
a-a very good time. Sure.
[clears throat]
[door closes]
What's going on?
Any sign of blood?
She's wagging
her finger at him.
Are her eyebrows
hopping up and down?
Like two angry
caterpillars.
She's really mad.
Poor Joey.
Gosh, an honest-to-goodness
dressing-down
if there ever were one.
And it's all our fault.
He's coming!
Did you get fired
because of us?
Uh, no, actually,
I told Mrs. Homewood
that it's just
not working out.
So you guys are gonna see a film
strip in about 15 minutes.
(all)
No.
Hey, I'm sorry, guys,
but yesterday
when I tried to be tough
and get down to business
you all hated me!
We didn't hate you.
We just wanted to have fun!
Well, now we're having fun
and you're not learning
anything, either.
So...that's not working out..
...which is too bad
'cause I was gonna
teach you a lot
of neat stuff
like state capitals,
long division
how to suck an egg
into a bottle.
Did I hear
long division?
Derek, be quiet!
We wanna see
that egg sucking thing.
No, I don't-I don't
think so, guys.
(all)
'Aw.'
Joey, don't quit.
It's all my fault.
No, Michelle, it's not
your fault. It's me.
I'm just not
a very good teacher.
We never gave you a chance,
especially me.
You're so funny,
I forget that sometimes
you have to be serious.
Well, thanks
for understanding, Michelle.
So can we start all over?
I don't know.
Hey, everybody,
don't we want Joey..
Uh, I mean, Mr. Gladstone
to be our teacher?
(all)
Yeah!
Oh, come on, now,
cut it out!
[laughing]
Please, we'll be
as still as statues!
Well, you know, Derek, we don't
have to be as still as statues.
We can still have fun
and learn something
at the same time.
Like how
to suck an egg?
Absolutely!
Alright, kids.
Come on up
to Dr. Gladstone's laboratory!
I'm your host..
...Dr. Gladstone.
'Ha ha ha!'
Now...some people call
this experiment, "magic."
But I call it,
pure science.
There's no way
that this egg
can fit into this bottle.
Alright, unless I take
this piece of paper
and throw it
into the bottle.
Now, you just light it
like this
and be very careful
with fire, kids.
Don't play with it when
your parents aren't around.
It could be
very dangerous.
Stick it
into the bottle.
Now, we put the egg on top
'and watch this.'
The fire burns up
all the oxygen
creating a vacuum and..
...pow!
There goes my lunch, kids!
(all)
Ha ha ha!
Try it with the finger
up in the air.
(all)
Ha ha ha!
Whoa! Kaplowie!
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
[instrumental music]