I bought dad the greatest gift
for Christmas.
Wow, Michelle,
a store-bought gift?
No more
homemade presents, huh?
Not that I didn't love
my "Tony The Tiger" earrings.
Yeah, frosted flakes
make great jewelry.
Well, I still use my rice
krispies retainer container.
So, squirt,
where's the great gift?
Ta-da!
So, squirt,
where's the great gift?
Right here. See?
It's a party tie.
Isn't it cool?
Here's the cup holder
so your hands are free
to eat Christmas cookies.
What do you think?
I've never seen a tie so..
Uh, uh, stiff.
I'm sure dad
will love it.
Yeah, I got
to wrap it real good
so dad won't know
what it is.
Give it to him
right now
and he won't know
what it is.
[theme music]
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Doo bee doo ba ba do ♪
- Hi.
- Hey.
Oh, wow. Something smells great.
Broast turkey..
...hot apple cider..
...and pumpkin pie.
No, actually, Becky,
it's easy to mistake.
It's, uh,
it's my new air freshener.
Can A Christmas.
Now with more nog than ever.
So, what's in your bags?
Oh, I-I just got some Christmas
stocking stuff for us.
I just love Christmas Eve.
I love being out there. There's
something so magical about it.
Yeah, everybody's so happy,
there's so much love in the air.
Joey, you're an idiot!
Well, if-if I'm an idiot
then you're
an idiot's friend.
You know, if I could take
a candy cane
shove it up
your nose sideways
I'd be a happy man.
Ah, the sounds
of the season.
You had to drag me
to the dry cleaners
on Christmas Eve,
you know, the one day
when everyone's picking up
their Santa suits.
You ever been mauled
by 20 fat, jolly guys?
Well, it's been a while.
Hey, if I'm gonna play
Santa's helper tonight
I want to be fresh,
pressed and stain-free.
That'd be
a new look for ya.
It's a madhouse
out there.
Whatever happened to peace
on Earth, good will to man?
I-I saw two women
get into a slap fight
over a Lego nativity scene.
Alright, fine, well,
I think I'll just go slip
into my freshly-martinized
Santa costume.
Ho ho ho, Ebenezer.
Jess, I have something
that'll cheer you up.
Hey, Michelle,
you'll like this, too.
Look at this gag gift
I got for Joey.
Oh, man, now I know why
they call it a gag gift.
(Becky)
'It's a party tie.'
Look, you put
your drink right there
and then your hands
are free to, uh..
...point out exactly
how ugly this thing is.
That is the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.
So, Michelle,
what do you think?
Oh, it's hilarious.
I'm just gonna put this present
under the tree..
...out in the forest.
Hey, Jess, did you remember
to pick up some mistletoe?
Oh, yeah. Two hours
and seven bucks later.
Honey, that's parsley.
Ripped off
on Christmas Eve.
Well, we'll just have to kiss
under the garnish.
Joy to the world.
Mich-Michelle,
what are you doing?
That's dangerous.
What is this?
Something I want
to burn.
Something you wanna burn?
"To daddy, love.."
It's a present
for your dad.
I saved all my milk money
so I could buy it for him.
So, why do you want
to torch it?
Because it's the dumbest thing
you've ever seen.
Oh, Michelle,
I wouldn't say that.
Actually, I-I did say
that, didn't I?
Can you take me back
to the store?
I gotta exchange it.
Out there
on Christmas Eve again?
[shudders]
No, no, no, Michelle.
Listen, can't-can't you just
make your dad something?
I-I-I know there's-there's
plenty of cereal in the kitchen.
And I know he's been hinting
for a fruit-loop sombrero.
I made him that
two years ago.
Please take me
to the store.
Please, please,
please.
Michelle,
Michelle, Michelle.
No pouting,
no whining
and no quivering
of the lip, okay?
Nothing is gonna work.
Even if it's my first year
I ever bought a present
and dad's gonna hate it?
And this could
scar me for life?
Guilt will work.
Guilt is good.
I didn't-I didn't say
guilt earlier, did I?
Here we go.
Put your jacket on.
Let's hurry, please.
It's Christmas Eve.
Keep going, keep going,
keep going.
Oh.
It won't close.
I can't believe how
much weight I've gained.
You know what it is?
Chocolate boing-boings
come three to a pack now.
Uh, Joey, I don't think
excess boing-boings
make your arms longer.
You know, Steph,
you're absolutely right.
I know what it is.
The dry cleaner gave me
the wrong Santa suit.
Well, you can't disappoint
Nicky and Alex.
You just have to try
and squeeze into the thing.
You're right.
Look, on three, Steph,
I'll push from the bottom
you pull from the top,
and Joey, you close the belt.
- Okay?
- Okay, okay.
Ready?
One, two, three.
Okay, go, go.
Keep going. Keep going.
I got it.
There we go.
- Ah!
Get up. Get up.
Oh, man!
Oh, Joey!
My hand is going numb.
- 'Come on, DJ!'
- 'Joey!'
What the heck
is that?
Let's check it out.
(DJ)
'Ow, my hand!'
Oh, we're like
a three-legged horse.
- It's stuck, ow, Joey!
- It's stuck, ow!
Santa's hurting them.
He's a monster.
- You're stepping on my feet.
- Monster!
Hey, guys. Whoa, whoa.
What's the matter?
What's wrong?
It's Santa.
He's scary.
'No. Ho ho, damn!'
Uh, Santa's not
hurting anyone.
- Ow!
- Except her.
Monster! Aah!
Guys, guys, guys!
[Instrumental "Jingle Bells"]
Excuse me, could you just
open up for a second, please?
- We're closed.
- It's an emergency!
I don't care about an emergency.
We're closed.
I can't-I can't hear
what you're saying.
I can't hear
what you're saying.
- I said we're closed.
- This will just take a moment.
Hello, Mr. Dreghorn,
remember me?
Yeah, I remember you,
you're the little girl
with a big bag of nickels.
Right. I accidentally bought
this stupid gift.
Stupid gift?
You know how many
of those stupid things
I sell a year?
Well, I know two
for sure.
Well, I'd like
to exchange it.
Have you got
your receipt with you?
- Um, at home, maybe.
- No, no, no.
Look, now,
we-we-we have to close.
- Would you mind leaving?
- Hold on.
- Right now.
- I know, w-w-wait a minute.
Wait a minute,
I don't understand here.
Now, you say
you recognize her.
Why can't you
just exchange it?
I mean, come on,
it's-it's Christmas Eve, man.
Well, it's great
you know the date.
But it's too bad you
don't know what time it is.
- You know what time it is?
- No, what?
It's quitting time.
We're closed. That's it.
I'm gonna make this, I'm gonna
make this very simple.
Excuse me.
Just, just one second.
Now, this-this-this tie thing,
it cost 5 bucks.
- Yeah?
- Excuse me, sir.
And, uh...and well,
see this thing here
this thing here,
this cost 5 bucks.
[high-pitched laughter]
You think your dad
will like this?
- Who wouldn't?
- Good.
See? Even exchange.
Everyone's happy.
Thank you
and Merry Christmas.
Now, wait
a minute, sideburns.
You're not
going anywhere.
Put the laugh box back.
No, no, no.
I-I-I am gonna go somewhere.
What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna
put this on the counter.
Come on, Michelle,
we'll put this on the counter
we're going to take
the laugh box.
Even exchange.
Everyone's happy.
Hey, hey.
What are you doing?
I just touched
the secret alarm.
The police will be here
any minute.
You too are gonna spend
Christmas Eve in jail!
You can't make us stay..
[high-pitched laughter]
It's not funny.
It's killing me.
[high-pitched laughter]
Open this thing.
Hey!
I don't get it, man,
you know, we were just trying
to exchange a gift,
it's not like we were stealing.
Save it
for the police, Brylcreem.
A, it's mousse.
And two,
bring those cops on, okay?
Because I'm gonna charge
you with fraud.
- Fraud?
- Kidnapping.
Kidnapping?
And failure to exchange
a cruddy gift.
- Cruddy gift?
- Mm-hmm.
Mr. Dreghorn,
if you let us go
you wouldn't have to be stuck
here on Christmas Eve.
Well, I don't mind,
little girl
sitting here
until justice...is served.
Yeah, and after that
he's probably gonna go out
and bag some reindeer.
Say, Grinch, you mind
if I have some water?
No, go on.
Help yourself. Dig a well.
[laughing]
He fell for the old
dribble glass, Michelle.
That's rich.
I mean, here's a towel,
Uncle Jesse.
No, no, no.
Don't touch that.
Oh, just put it
on my bill.
(Dreghorn)
'Suit yourself.'
[laughing]
So, you kids
pretty excited
about Santa coming
here tonight?
Santa's coming here?
Oh, yes.
Santa's coming here.
He waits
till we're all asleep
and then he sneaks
into the house.
We lock the door, right?
Oh, it doesn't matter
Santa just slides right down
the chimney to get in.
I'll hide under the covers.
No. Hiding under the covers
won't help.
No. He-He sees you when you're
sleeping, when you're awake.
You guys better be good 'cause
Santa Claus is coming tonight.
Santa's coming?
Santa's coming!
Danny, did I happen
to mention to you
that the boys are terrified
beyond words of Santa?
No, but maybe
that would explain
why they ran out
in a total panic.
Do you wanna help me pry them
from under the couch?
Yep.
I can't believe it.
It's Christmas Eve
and I'm stuck
in Scrooge's fun house.
Oh, Uncle Jesse,
you dropped a dollar.
Oh, thanks, Michelle.
Must have fallen out
of my pocket.
That's three in a row
we got this yahoo,
Michelle.
"Must have fallen out
of my pocket."
Hey, who's side
are you on, anyway?
Sorry, Uncle Jesse.
It was just a joke.
Yeah, I got news
for both of you, okay?
The joke is over,
if the cops
wanna arrest me,
they can do it at my house.
'cause I'm getting out of here
if I have to blast
my way through
with an exploding cigar.
Now, wait a minute.
Hold it, Fonzie.
I got in touch with the police
20 minutes ago
and told 'em
it was a false alarm.
You what? And you kept us
in here the whole time?
Is this another one
of your stupid jokes?
Now, don't blow your top.
We don't want to start
a grease fire in here.
You really wanna get
out of here?
Yes, I'd like to get out,
it's Christmas Eve
and I'm not
with my family.
Alright, you want to go,
okay, I'll..
- I'll let you out.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Look at this guy.
Let's go, Michelle.
That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
Michelle, put the glasses away,
put the cigar out
and let's go get
Christmas over with.
See? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.
These are the kind of people
I've been dealing with all day.
You know, does he care
about his fellow man? No.
Does he care that we have family
waiting at home? No.
He's probably having Santa's
sleigh towed as we speak.
- Come on.
- Wait, Uncle Jesse.
Maybe he locked us in
so he wouldn't be alone
on Christmas Eve.
Michelle, listen to me.
He doesn't care about us.
So, we don't have to care
about him. Let's go home.
Look, you-you wanted to go home.
Both of you, get out.
Come on, let's go.
Mr. Dreghorn,
what are you doing tonight?
Never mind, little girl, I..
...I have big plans tonight.
Good, have your big plans,
go have dinner with your family
and drive them crazy.
My family, huh?
Which family
are you talking about?
The one
that doesn't write me?
Or the one
that never phones me?
You're not gonna spend
Christmas Eve with your family?
Forget about my family.
Forget 'em!
They forgot about me
a long time ago.
They went up to Oregon
took my grandchildren
with 'em.
I haven't talked
to 'em for years.
- Why didn't you go with 'em?
- Why didn't I go with 'em?
I had to stay here,
and take care of this fun box.
Besides, they..
...they-they
never asked me.
Swallow your pride,
Dreghorn.
Get your butt up there
and see 'em.
I mean,
family is everything.
You don't know
what you're missing, man.
I don't know
what I'm missing, man?
I know what
I'm missing, man.
I don't need to be told
by a-a walking..
...oil slick.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.
Well, then leave.
That'd help.
Merry Christmas.
Uncle Jesse,
it's Christmas Eve.
Can't Mr. Dreghorn have
dinner at our house?
Why would I want
to do a thing like that?
So you wouldn't be lonely.
Lonely?
I'm not lonely, little girl.
You don't fool me
one bit, Dreghorn.
I can see it
in your eyes, pal.
You're not this grumpy guy
you appear to be.
And I'll tell you
something else.
I know, in your heart
you don't wanna stay here
Christmas Eve
locked in a place
with a bunch of whoopee cushions
and-and-and rubber vomit.
Now, wait a minute, be careful
how you talk about..
...about th-that's genuine,
made-in-the-USA regurgitation.
That..
Oh, jeez.
What are we talking about?
Hey, I-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make fun
of your merchandise here.
I know this is, uh..
...this is-this is quality
puke you got going on here.
[laughing]
I gotta apologize to you.
I'm sorry about the crack
about oil slick.
Even though you are
a quart low.
Hey, listen, uh,
that offer's still good.
We'd love you, we'd love you
to come over
and have Christmas Eve
with us.
Please say yes.
I don't think I can.
I-It would mean
so much to the kid.
Yeah, it'd mean a lot
to the kid.
Yeah, you know, she is about
the age of my granddaughter.
Alright, good. Let's go.
Let's go have some food.
No, wait a minute,
listen, there's something
I've been wanting to do
now, I've wanted to do it
for a long time
and I'm going to do it now,
wait for me.
Uncle Jesse,
are you happy now?
Yeah.
I think inviting Dreghorn over
was a great idea.
I've been
bellyaching all day
about no one having any
Christmas spirit.
Problem wasn't
with everyone else.
The problem was
with me.
You lost
your Christmas spirit?
Yeah, I'm afraid
I did.
But you know
something?
I think I'm starting
to get it back.
Merry Christmas,
munchkin.
Merry Christmas,
Uncle Jesse.
You did a good thing.
I gotta hand it to you.
[buzzing]
Ah!
I got you again.
You got me again.
(Rebecca)
"But I heard him say
"as he drove out of sight
"Happy Christmas to all
and to all a goodnight."
Santa gone yet?
Santa's gone.
- Good.
So, Becky, how's the Santa
conditioning going?
Well, I think if we show 'em
a few more positive images
we can move 'em up
from a hate to a strong dislike.
Well, what could be more
positive than..
...Santa cookies?
See how cute he is?
Look at that. There you go.
Oh, look at that.
He tastes good.
Yeah, and this year
he's fat-free.
Take a look,
see, his-his belly's
a little bit
thinner this year.
[bells jingling]
Look who's here. It's Comet,
the wet-nosed reindeer.
[whining]
And he's pulling a big, fluffy,
harmless-looking Santa.
Yes, so you can have Santa
on your laps for a change.
Here, try it.
He's soft.
See that?
Santa loves you.
Well, mission accomplished.
I think we finally
got them
over their Santa
Claus-trophobia.
[laughing]
(Joey)
'Ho ho ho!'
I guess Joey found
another suit.
Ah, guys, that sounds
like Santa's helper.
Are you ready
to meet him?
Yeah.
Ho ho hippety-hop ho!
Monster!
Not, no, boys.
It's, it's just me, Joey. See?
What happened? You forget to set
the calendar again this year?
Well, you see, Danny, I knew the
boys were afraid of Santa Claus.
So, I dug up my
old Easter Bunny costume
'cause everybody loves
the Easter Bunny
so, everybody's gonna love..
...the Christmas bunny.
There are still
a couple of hold-outs.
But at least you're able to
stuff a pillow under this suit.
I'm not using a pillow.
Oh, sorry.
- We want Santa!
- Hey, everybody. We're back.
- Hi.
And we brought
a surprise.
Ho ho ho!
Go see Santa.
This is one
of Santa's helpers.
You-You guys know Mr. Dreghorn
from the novelty store.
- Yeah.
Merry Christmas,
everybody!
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Santa.
Merry Christmas, bugs.
Alright,
gather around, everybody.
I've got presents
for everybody.
- Oh, wow.
- Santa has presents.
What's in the bag, guys?
Hey, where were you guys?
I bought you a dumb present.
And I had to return it
so you'd have something nice
for Christmas.
Michelle, you didn't have
to do that.
I'd love anything
you got me.
I wanted to get you
the best present I could.
'cause I wanted you to know
that I love you.
Sweetheart, I know
that anyway.
Well, I got you
something great anyways.
Sorry I didn't wrap it.
Open it up.
This is lovely wrapping.
Oh, would you look at that?
It's a candy-cane toothbrush.
Well, now my mouth is going
to feel Christmassy
all year long.
Thank you, sweetheart.
It's beautiful.
Thanks.
Hey, Mr-Mr. Dreghorn,
come here.
- Yeah.
- Come here.
- Yes?
- I got a present for you.
- A present for me?
- Mm-hmm.
A portable phone.
It's what
I've always wanted.
No, you know what
this is for.
- Huh?
- Call 'em.
Call 'em?
Hey, everybody, look what
Michelle got me.
- Look at this.
- Try it out.
[instrumental "Deck the Halls"]
Hello?
Hello, honey?
This is your grandpa.
And a Merry Christmas
to you.
Merry Christmas,
Mr. Dreghorn.
Oh, it is
a Merry Christmas.
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa la la la ♪
♪ 'tis the season
to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa la la la ♪
♪ Don we now
our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa la la la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient
Yule tide carol ♪
♪ Fa la la la ♪♪
[closing theme music]