[instrumental music]
- What's that spell?
- Mom.
Mom.
That's very good.
Hey, guys.
Check it out!
I can make Comet
do all these tricks
without even
talking to him.
She's got
to be kiddin'.
Give her a chance, guys.
I'd like to see this.
I only use
hand signals.
Watch and be amazed.
Ready, Comet?
Watch me now.
[barking]
Good boy.
That's very good, Michelle.
Kind of like your own
doggy remote-control.
We can do that.
It's not as easy
as it looks.
Watch and be amazed.
[barking]
[whimpering]
Whoa, guys!
Slow down!
Looks like
he blew a fuse.
[theme music]
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie doo ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[knocking]
- Oh, hi, Nelson.
- Hey, Steph.
- Come in.
- Thanks.
This a surprise.
Yeah. I thought
DJ dumped you.
Well, she did.
Then I thought
she dumped you again.
Well, once again,
she did.
You know,
I've heard of
on-again, off-again
relationships
but you guys should be
attached to the clapper.
No, no, don't worry.
I've learned my lesson.
From now on, we are
just friends, buddies, pals
nothing that's
any fun for me.
Nelson, I just got off
the phone with you.
How'd you get
here so fast?
Well, I called you
from my limo, in your driveway.
Well, what's this big, exciting
news you wanna talk to me about?
My cousin Regina
is flying in from England
and she's here
coordinating the reception
for the Queen's visit
to San Francisco
and well, I just thought
I'd invite you to go with me.
As friends.
Wow! The Queen?
That's incredible.
Hey.
Joey,
DJ's going to meet
the Queen of England.
Maybe she'll let you
try on her crown.
Yeah, ask her if it's one of
those one-size-fits-all crowns
with the plastic adjustable
strap in the back.
Actually, Joey, why don't you
ask her yourself.
'Cause you know my cousin Regina
is coming in from England
and she doesn't know
anyone here in San Francisco
and she did ask me
to find her a date.
Yeah, well,
what does she look like?
- Does it matter?
- Not really.
Hey, guys.
Well, hey, Nellie boy.
Back
for another dumping?
It's good to see you,
too, Kimmy.
Okay, I want you all to meet
my steady, Duane.
He pinned me,
but I came back
and I took him
the next two falls.
So, you're Duane. It-It's nice
to finally meet you.
Huh. Whatever.
Duane just finished
trade school
and is going into the plumbing
business with his dad.
He's the toilet doctor.
So, then that would make you
the toilet intern.
Whatever.
Hey, everybody.
Guess what I found
in the mailbox.
Half a cheese wheel
and an empty can of Fresca?
Well, under Kimmy's trash
was a letter from a little place
that I like to call
Stanford University.
Stanford? Oh, my gosh!
This is my first choice.
I've wanted
to go there forever.
- You open it. I'm too nervous.
- Okay.
Oh, Stanford.
This would be so perfect.
It's a great school,
it's close to home.
But it's, it's not nearly
as close as Berkeley
who had the good sense
to accept you.
I didn't get in?
Sorry, Deej.
Oh, Deej, I'm sorry. Is there
anyone I can call, write, buy?
I can't believe it.
Stanford is the only school
I ever wanted to go to.
I'm sorry
you didn't make it, Deej.
You should have done what I did,
when I applied there.
Include a crisp $20 bill
with the application.
Come on, Duane.
I feel lucky.
Let's go
check the mail.
Whatever.
Hey, Deej, you okay?
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Yeah, you can scratch
the Stanford bumper sticker
off the car.
Oh, I already did.
And the one
on the lawn mower.
You guys aren't going
to believe this.
Stanford turned
me down, too.
I for one,
am shocked.
So, did they send
your $20 back?
Actually, they sent me 40
with a note saying
"Let's pretend
this never happened."
I'm sorry, Kimmy.
I know how you feel.
No, you don't.
At least you got
into Berkeley.
I'm going nowhere.
I'm a total reject.
My life is
officially over.
I'm too tall
to be a jockey
and too short
for the NBA.
You were absent
on career day, weren't you?
Oh, hey, Deej.
I, uh, I heard about Stanford.
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
Hey, how about a little
sympathy for me?
I got turned down
by California.
The university of California?
No. Every college
in California.
Gee, Kimmy,
that's too bad
and after all that
hard work
in high school.
You know, I had my heart
set on Stanford.
Now, I don't know
where to go to school
or what to do
with my life.
That's okay, Deej.
You know,
take a negative
and, and turn it
into a positive.
You know, you,
you have a whole
plethora of things you can do
a whole cornucopia
of opportunities.
You know, you have
to, you have to carpe diem
if you will,
seize the day.
You know, I say, pick a road
and ease on down it, you know?
I mean, if you want to go
to Berkeley, go to Berkeley.
If you want to go
to another college
you can go
to another college.
If you wanna,
you wanna jump a steamer
and travel
around the world, I say
"Hey, babe, go for it."
Or you can marry Nelson and
have him pay for all that stuff.
Yeah, well,
the way I feel right now
that doesn't sound
half-bad.
I wish I had somebody
like Nelson to fall back on.
Ah, but you have
Mr. Personality.
Yeah, that's all
I have.
A man with a plunger
and wet socks.
Pretty soon, I won't even
have my best friend.
What are you
talking about?
Come on, Deej,
you know you're gonna
go to college somewhere.
You'll meet some
new, smart friends
and forget all about me.
Let's face it.
Life together,
as we know it, is over.
That's gotta brighten
your day a little.
Comet, stop staring at me.
I'm not going
to drop the sandwich.
[whining]
Comet, stop begging.
You're worse than Joey.
[whining]
Alright.
Oops.
[knocking]
Come in.
Hey, Deej.
I just brought a book
over for Joey
on what to do
when you meet the queen.
Oh, really?
What's it called?
"What To Do When
You Meet The Queen."
Is Joey here?
No. The whole family
went to the mall.
I just wanted to stay home
and think about school.
Are you still
feeling bad?
Well, I'm-I'm
feeling better.
My Uncle Jesse was right.
I do have options.
And Berkeley's
a great school
and, uh, there's others
I haven't heard from yet.
So, I'm moving
out of depressed
and I'm well on my way
to slightly bummed.
Well, I have something that'll
take you past slightly bummed
through okey-dokey
all the way to perky.
Remember you were
worried about what to wear
when you meet the queen?
'Nelson.'
Diamond earrings for me?
You shouldn't have.
Well, I didn't.
Those are just a loan.
You dumped me,
remember?
Well, at least
for one night
I'll have earlobes
of the rich and famous.
Oh, um,
just, okay.
[ringing]
- Hello.
- 'Deej.'
I'm about to become
a blushing bride
or as Duane says,
"A flushing bride."
Kimmy, there, there,
must be a bad connection.
I could have sworn
you said "Bride."
You heard right,
bachelorette number one.
I asked Duaney-poo
to marry me
and he said yes.
Well, actually,
he said, "Whatever"
but here we are
at the "Create Your Own Wedding"
chapel in Reno.
Cool, huh?
Kimmy, what are you doing?
- You don't love Duane.
- I know.
- Wish me luck.
- 'Kimmy, wait.'
Um, w-we promised
that i-if we ever got married
we'd be each other's
bridesmaid, remember?
Well, yeah. That's true,
but you're there and I'm here.
'Well, I'll be there, okay?'
'Just don't do anything
until I get there.'
Oh, hey,
that works out Great.
If I don't use their bridesmaid,
I'll save 12 bucks.
Kimmy's getting married.
To what?
She's making
a terrible mistake.
I-I have to find out when
the first plane leaves to Reno.
15 minutes.
What, you memorized
the schedule?
No, we'll take my plane.
It leaves
when I tell her to.
Great, uh, but I just have
to write my family a note.
- Okay.
- Um..
Let's see..
"Kimmy's getting married.
Went to Reno with Nelson.
Love, DJ"
Perfect.
Oh, gosh,
I-I smudged it all up
'cause of that grease
from the sandwich.
No, no, that's fine.
This is an emergency.
Neatness doesn't count.
I got hot towels in the limo.
- Let's go.
- Great.
We've got to stop
that wedding.
What are you, honey,
you're doing it the wrong way.
Okay, guys,
how do I look?
And be brutal.
Now, I know why
they call it a monkey suit.
Don't listen to him, Joey.
You look very dashing.
Oh, I wish
I felt dashing.
I'm so nervous about making a
mistake when I meet the Queen.
Joey, don't worry
about a thing.
When you meet the Queen, all you
have to do is just stand there.
You're not from England,
so, you don't have to bow
oh, and don't speak
unless you're spoken to.
You've been meeting queens
and not telling me?
No, I read this book.
I found it on the table.
Nelson must have
brought it over.
"To Nelson.
Love, the Queen.
PS, thanks for the loan."
- It doesn't say that.
- Right there.
Joey, could you get a picture
of the Queen for me?
It's for
my collection.
When did you start collecting
pictures of the Queen?
As soon as you
push this button.
Well, I'll give
it a shot.
Wish me luck.
I'm off to meet the Queen.
Pip pip, cheerios,
Cap'n Crunch.
Trix are for kids.
I'm cuckoo
for cocoa puffs.
Why do I feel like
the Queen needs the luck?
Michelle, I think
you'd better feed Comet.
He was licking the TV
during an Alpo commercial.
He probably got
that from Joey.
He does the same thing
during "Baywatch."
Come on, Comet.
I'll get you dinner.
We can watch it
make its own gravy.
Oh, hey.
A present for me.
Oh, it's empty.
Here, Aunt Becky.
It's for you.
Dad, I found this
in Comet's dish.
I think someone
sent him a letter.
It's all smudged
and chewed up.
Um, "Getting married.
"Reno..
"...Nelson..
...love, DJ"
- It can't be.
- Yeah, I know.
Why would Janet Reno
marry Willie Nelson?
Well, that's
one explanation.
But it sounds to me
like DJ went to Reno
to marry Nelson.
That-That makes even less sense
than what I just said.
Yeah, yeah, that-that doesn't
make any sense at all.
I-I wouldn't worry
if I were you.
You don't think she
took us seriously, do you?
What, what seriously? What?
- Oh, nothing.
- What?
- Nothing.
- What?
- Nothing.
- What!
I just told her
that she had a-a
a plethora of opportunities
out there.
She's the one who told her
to marry Nelson.
Well, who knew that after 13
years of not listening to me
she'd start now?
Oh, come on,
I knew DJ was upset
about the Stanford rejection
but running off
and getting married?
Well, that explains
this empty jewelry box.
It was
for an engagement ring.
Ooh, I wonder
how many carats.
I mean,
this is terrible.
Guys, this is some kind
of joke, right?
Oh, come on.
She's probably right outside
that door right now.
And she's just gonna pop her
head in and yell "Gotcha."
Honey, I know
you're out there.
Okay, Come on in.
Joke's over,
little Miss Hijinks.
Should we take your car
to the airport or mine?
Let's take yours,
they say you shouldn't drive
during
a nervous breakdown.
[instrumental music]
Hmm, Shepherd's pie
Yorkshire pudding.
My guess is you people
don't like dogs.
Well, I wonder where
Cousin Nelson is.
I'd like to thank him
for bringing us
together.
Well, he probably got wind
of the bow-wow buffet
and stopped off
and got a burrito.
Well, shall we?
Oh, look. There's one of those
Buckingham palace guards.
I heard you can do anything to
these guys and they never move.
You know, Joey,
let's not do anything
to embarrass ourselves
or our dates.
Oh, this'll be fun.
Here. Watch.
Sufferin' succotash.
You, sir,
are inscrutable.
Boy, you guys
are amazing.
Nothing gets to these guys.
- 'Her Majesty. The Queen.'
- Joey, her Majesty's coming.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Oops, I'm sorry.
I wasn't supposed
to talk, was I?
I'm just so nervous.
Did you kick me
in the butt?
No.
Couldn't have been.
You'd have someone else do it.
A nobleman, like, uh,
Lord Kick-Me-In-The-Butt.
Oops, I'm sorry.
You know, if you put a little
velcro around your wrist
that won't happen anymore.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, my gosh.
I forgot Michelle's picture.
Uh, your majesty, wait.
Alright, nobody move!
Nobody move!
Uh, okay. Just,
just freeze, everyone!
I just want
to get one shot, alright?
I can get double prints
of that if you guys like.
And as you promise
to cling on to each other
for the rest of your life
I now pronounce you
captain and vulcan.
Kimmy, all I'm saying is, think
about what you're doing.
I am thinking about it.
And I think the "Star Trek"
wedding looks nice.
Live long..
...and pay the cashier
on your way out.
How about "Friday The 13th?"
I bet not many people
do that one.
Sounds like a safe bet.
What do you
think, Duane?
Whatever.
Kimmy..
If you don't get on that plane
with me and come home
you're going
to regret it.
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow
but the day after that
you're going
to be miserable.
I'm going through
with this, Deej.
I'm tired
of being a loser.
Maybe if I marry Duane,
I'll be a winner.
So, either go home
or stay here and be
my victim of honor.
Alright.
Let's get ready for the most
romantic day of your life.
"Friday the 13th."
Excellent choice.
Kimmy, you
look so beautiful.
I'm going to cry.
Shall we begin?
[ominous music]
Dearly departed
we are gathered here--
Hey, hey!
Kill the chainsaw.
The fumes are going
to make me hurl.
I paid 29.95
for this wedding.
- And I want it to be special.
- Sorry.
Dearly departed, we are gathered
here to bring together these--
There they are.
Okay, stop this wedding!
Or call 911.
Thank God
we found you.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
Why would you want
to get married?
I'm not getting married.
Kimmy is.
- Kimmy?
Oh, well, then,
by all means, continue.
I think this is
the bride's side here.
Didn't you guys
read my note?
Yeah, we did, but after Comet
slobbered all over it.
It kind of lost something
in the translation.
Hey, I'm trying
to get married here.
Guys, Kimmy's throwing
her life away.
Can't you talk to her?
She won't listen to me.
You want us
to talk to kimmy?
We spent the last eight years
trying to avoid her.
I don't know
what I'd say to her.
Well, what were you
going to say to me?
Well, I-I did write down
some notes on the airplane
on this airsick bag.
Great.
Hey, Kimmy
before you do this, just listen
to my dad and Uncle Jesse.
Okay, but make it quick.
I'm getting
a splitting headache.
Alright, I-I'll tell you
what I was going to tell DJ.
Just have a seat, we'll put in
a few li'l modifications to..
...you know.
Okay.
This thing's not on,
is it?
Alright. Okay.
Um..
"You're making a terrible
mistake, DJ."
Uh..
He means Kimmy.
Um, "You know
how much we love you."
We basically tolerate
you as best we can.
"Uh, There's a whole world
of opportunities
still open to you."
Yeah, there's still a few
chances you haven't blown yet.
Guys, forget it.
Let's face it.
I've got nothing
going for me but plunger boy.
Love you, sweetheart.
Whatever.
This isn't working.
Uh, Kimmy, what we're trying
to say here
is that we-we-we
we...we care
about you.
Really?
You do?
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
I can't believe
what I'm saying.
Listen,
the point is that
we don't want you
to do something
that you're going
to regret, okay?
Now, look
inside your heart.
Now, if you,
if you really, really
deep down inside,
love this-this-this Duane guy
then I say,
what the heck?
I say start up the chainsaw
and get married.
Okay, but don't do it because
you're trying to run away
from problems or you're looking
for the safe way out
or you just want to make sure
you, you have a plumber
at 3:00 in the morning.
Wait a minute.
I'm starting
to get the idea
that you guys don't think
I should get married.
Kimmy, let's do this
without the hatchet.
You know this wedding
is a bad idea.
Yeah, I know.
You guys are right.
I guess I do
have other options.
I just can't
think of any right now.
Kimmy, you can go to summer
school and get your grades up
and go
to a community college.
Yeah, but
Deej
it still won't be
the same without you.
I'm really going
to miss you.
Who am I going
to hang out with
talk to about boys?
Copy my homework from?
Kimmy, no matter
where we are
we're always going
to be friends.
Nothing's ever
going to change that.
You're right.
Thanks, Deej.
And you guys will always
be a part of my life, too.
Oh, goody.
Now, I can die happy.
But how am I going
to break it to Duane?
He'll be heartbroken.
Oh, wait,
let, let me
take care
of this one.
Oh, uh,
oh, Duane.
Duane.
Listen, Duane,
uh..
I don't know
how to..
I don't know how
to break this to you
but, uh,
the wedding's off, kid.
Whatever.
He's taking it
a lot harder than I thought.
[theme music]