[theme music]
Come on, Michelle. We're
supposed to do the dishes.
Start without me.
Hey. Jacks.
Gosh, I was never
any good at that.
Really? Want to play?
Loser does the dishes.
Well, call me
a sucker, but okay.
Whoever picks up the most jacks
in once bounce wins.
I'll go first.
Wow. Four jacks.
That's going to be
hard to beat.
Well, here it goes.
Wow, what do you know?
I got 'em all.
You tricked me.
Don't forget to dry.
You see, Comet..
...you don't mess
with The Kid.
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie doo ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, Deej, remember that guy
I was telling you about
Ryan, captain of
the track team?
You finally talked to him?
Well, almost. I dropped my
pencil, and he picked it up.
- And?
- He kept it.
You didn't say anything?
I tried to.
I mean my brain said "speak".
But my mouth was too busy
grinning like an idiot.
Why don't you invite him
to that upcoming dance?
Invite him?
No, that would
require talking
and my mouth is just
not co-operating.
- Write him a note.
- He's got my pencil.
Hey, Steph, that food drive
at your school
is about to get
a major donation.
I just hit the mother load.
You cleaned out
the cupboards?
Nope. Joey's footlocker.
There was a layer
of underpants
and then nothing
but spam.
Okay, Mr. Katsopolis.
We're almost finished.
Okay.
There shouldn't be
any problem
with your new
life insurance policy.
- I just need a check your--
- Okay, check away.
I'm in excellent health.
You know, heart strong,
lungs clear
hair...perfect.
[air hissing]
- Hmm.
- Hmm. What "hmm"?
Split ends?
Your blood pressure
is a little over average.
Oh. Why, thank you.
I've, uh, always prided myself
as being a cut above.
Actually it's not really
a good thing.
Have you been under
any stress lately?
Are you kidding?
Mr. Rogers watches me to relax.
[Velcro crackling]
Jess, you have been under
stress lately.
What are you
talking about?
Well, your radio show
lost its biggest advertiser.
S-so?
Well, I didn't want to mention
the letter from IRS.
What letter?
The one I don't
want to mention.
Well, they just had a little
problem with you
claiming your hair dryer
as a dependent.
It's got its own room.
- Mr. Katsopolis.
- Huh? What?
I'll check your blood pressure
again next week.
But if it stays
at this level
I'm afraid the company is gonna
ask for a pretty high premium.
If I were you I would take some
quiet time and try to relax.
- Thank you very much.
- You're quite welcome.
Relax, relax, nothing makes me
more nervous
than someone telling me
to relax.
Honey, you need to do something
to-to try to reduce
your stress level.
You have to take care
of yourself.
Come on, I want us to grow
old and gray together.
How about just old?
'cause long as I have a squeeze
bottle and some rubber gloves
just call me Blackie.
- Blackie.
- Hey, hey.
- See you later, Steph.
- See you later.
There's Ryan.
If you're really going to ask
him to the dance
here's your chance.
Go for it, Tanner.
I can't do this.
Oh, come on, Steph,
he's only a guy.
They're just like us except
they pants each other.
Yeah. You're right.
Okay, I-I can do this.
Alright.
Here goes nothing.
- Yeah?
- Um-ahem.
[clears throat]
Are you choking?
No, I-I just, um..
[clears throat]
Um, I was wondering
if-if you'd like to go
to the dance with me?
Y-you're asking me
to the dance?
Yeah, u-unless you
don't want to
in which case
I'd like my pencil back.
Your pencil?
N-never mind. See yeah.
Wait.
I'll go to the dance
with you.
Really?
Wow. Great. Bye.
It might help if you
told me your name.
Uh, yeah, i-it might.
Well, I'm Stephanie
Judith Tanner.
And I live at
1882 Girard street.
And, uh, my turnoffs are smoking
and open-toed shoes.
But if I keep going on
we'll have nothing to talk
about at the dance.
Bye.
Ah-h, yes.
See, boys, not only do I relax
by building the hammock
but here's the beauty of it,
once I've built it
I can relax in the thing
that I built.
- Oh-h.
Do you know what he said?
No. Just keep nodding.
Hey, Jess, you and I
need to talk.
Unless what you're gonna say
will help me relax
I don't want to hear it.
Now, all I have to do this place
the final cap on
and I will be relaxing
in my hammock
peaceful and serene.
- Ho-ho?
- Out of the hammock!
Sheesh, what a grouch
eh, boys?
Let's go.
Alex. Trixie.
Will you..?
Alex. Trixie.
[gasps]
Finally. Ah-h.
Some peace..
...and quiet.
[bagpipe plays]
Gibbler!
Greetings, Hair Meister.
What are you killing
back there?
I'm practicing
the bagpipes
for the Scottish
music festival at the school.
That's not
a Scottish accent.
I didn't say I was
practicing my accent.
Don't get your kilt
in a knot, Mac-Greasy.
The festival
is next week.
After that, this place'll be
quieter than Loch Ness.
Yeah, but I'll still be stuck
with the monster.
I can't wait
a week to relax.
Or take your bagpipes
and blow.
Don't mind if I do.
[playing bagpipe]
Alright. Two can play
this game, Gibbler.
Two!
[bagpipe playing]
See, Joseph, I've programmed
all kinds
of sampled sounds
into my keyboard.
I'm gonna blow Gibbler
right out of the water.
You know, Jess,
this can't possibly be
good for your
blood pressure.
You should think about
having a Ho-ho.
I find that sucking out
the cream filling
is just doggone
relaxing.
Joseph, and I mean this
in the nicest way
shut your ho-ho hole.
Ho-ho hole secured, sir!
Alright, now..
...watch the master.
[car alarm]
[British police siren]
Hey, I'm trying
practice, Moldy Locks.
Oh, yeah?
[jet engine roars]
I'm warning you,
cut out this racket right now.
Or what?
[jackhammer rattles]
Fine. You want war?
You got it.
[bagpipe playing]
[explosion]
[chuckling]
Okay, DJ.
Hula-hoop. Loser feeds
Comet for a week.
Am I playing you
or Comet?
Me.
Well, in that case
let's make it two weeks.
Thank you, Comet.
Let me just
de-slobberize this.
Okay, Michelle.
How do you want to do this?
Neck..
...waist..
...or feet?
What'll it be, Comet,
kibbles or bits?
Okay, Steph, first you do when
you get to the dance
is locate all the fire exits.
Keep your eye on your coat
the entire night
and if the punch smells funny,
don't drink it.
But above all, have fun.
You must have been
a real party animal, dad.
In my day.
[clears throat]
Let's see.
My lipstick.
My eyeliner. My blush.
I hope my face
has a good time tonight.
What time's Ryan
getting here?
Well, he's supposed
to pick me up at 7:00.
So, um, i-it's 7:01.
He's not coming.
No, Steph.
Don't panic.
I'm sure he's just
running late, honey.
Yeah. You're right.
I'll just, um...sit here
and chill a while.
[sighs]
Whoa. Would you
look at that?
The entire New York
skyline, huh?
That's the World
Trade Center
and that must be
the Chrysler building, huh?
It's official.
Ryan's not coming.
Steph, you don't
know that for sure.
Dad, I was supposed to be
home 10 minutes ago.
Well, maybe
something happened.
Something did happen.
I've been stood up.
You know, I can't believe
that track troll stood you up.
I know, I mean if he didn't want
to go to the dance with me
he should've the guts to say so.
There he is.
I'm going to
tell him off
and if he doesn't
have a good excuse
you better put
the nurse on-call.
[chuckling]
- Hey, Ryan.
- Yeah?
3:30, track practice.
Alright.
[indistinct chatter]
Excuse me. Ryan?
Very cool. Spam delivers.
No, we don't.
I mean, they don't.
This is for the food drive.
Ryan, I am, uh,
Danny Tanner
Stephanie Tanner's father.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, um,
about the dance.
All the guys
on the track team
decided to go
to the movies and skip it.
No big deal.
Let me ask you this, if all
the guys on the track team
decided to shave
their heads
would you do that too?
Well, we did last year
before the state finals.
Okay, bad example.
Look, Mr. Tanner,
it was nothing personal.
Maybe not to you.
You didn't see Stephanie sitting
on the couch all by herself
dressed up,
no place to go.
She took it
pretty hard, huh?
She was devastated.
It broke my heart
to see the tears in her eyes.
Oh, I didn't think
I'd make her cry.
You didn't think about
her feelings at all.
Not only did you
ruin her night
but you missed out on getting to
know a really terrific person.
Maybe next time, Ryan,
you should think
about someone
besides yourself.
Now if you'll excuse me
I've got canned meat
to deliver.
[instrumental music]
Well? What do you hear?
Oddly enough,
the ocean.
Give me that.
What you hear
is silence
because Gibbler
has finally realized
she's no match for The Kid.
Joseph, if you will.
[squawking]
What was that?
Ah!
Gibbler, what is that?
It's an ostrich.
I borrowed him from my uncle
Johan's budget safari.
You wanted war.
You got it.
[squawking]
Well, strap a muzzle
on that beak.
And keep the bird
quiet, too.
No can do.
You see, it's mating season.
So you'll be hearing
Oscar's love calls
for the next
eight weeks.
Eight weeks?
By the way, I suggest
not wearing anything
with feathers
for a while.
Gibbler thinks she
can intimidate me
with some squawking,
long-necked, big beak..
Ow! Ow! My hair!
Sector 14.
Oh, DJ.
I finally found something
I can beat you at.
You're going down.
Give it up, Michelle.
You're already
doing my chores
until the end
of the century.
If you're so sure
of yourself
how about double
or nothing?
You're on, kid.
Good. Follow me.
Okay, but don't forget
I'm older, I'm wiser.
You're also taller.
Let's get ready to limbo.
Michelle, this is
totally unfair.
That's the beauty of it.
[Limbo music plays]
DJ, your turn.
How low can you go?
[sighs]
Uh-h, not that low.
I don't think my body bends
that way any more.
Okay, Michelle, you win.
Finally, I beat my big sister
at something.
Michelle, that was
sneaky and underhanded.
I've taught you well.
Congratulations.
Let's go Limbo Joey
for his comic books.
You are on a roll.
Deej, did I just hear
Limbo music?
What you heard was
the end of an era.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
The coolest thing
happened today.
Ryan apologized.
Really? What'd he say?
Well, he said he was sorry
about what happened
and he wants to make it up to me
by buying me pizza at the mall.
That is great, sweetheart.
Maybe Ryan had a little chat
with an older, sensible
wise-as-the-ages
role model
who showed him the error
of his ways.
Maybe he just likes me.
Or that.
Steph, I got to talk to you.
Oh, and I have
to talk to you.
Ryan apologized.
I know.
The whole school knows.
Your dad chased him
down the hall
clobbered him
with canned ham
and then shoved him
in a locker.
It was not a canned ham.
It was spam.
Y-you clobbered him
with spam?
I didn't clobber him
with anything.
Dad, you went
to her school?
Hasn't she
suffered enough?
Deej, I was there
for the food drive.
I bumped into Ryan in the hall
and we had a little talk.
You talked to him?
Oh, no. W-what did you say?
Nothing.
Okay, I-I told him that
what he did was wrong
and that he was
missing out
on knowing
a really great person
and that he really hurt you.
You didn't tell him I cried?
No. Never.
Of course not. No way.
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Oh, I'm going to transfer.
Steph, I'm not letting you
change schools.
I want to change dads.
Look, I didn't mean
to embarrass you.
It just hurt me to see
how much he hurt you.
I'm sorry.
I hope someday
you understand.
The only thing
I understand
is I have to go eat pizza
with a guy
who's only talking to me
because dad threatened him.
Well, Steph, just talk to him
and be completely honest.
Say dad was exposed
to toxic cleaning fumes
and has been disoriented
for the past 10 years.
Wait. Who says you
even have to go?
Hey, you're right.
I mean he doesn't
want to be there.
I don't want
to be there.
I'll do us both a favor
and stand him up.
[indistinct murmuring]
Joseph, this is beautiful.
Beautiful, I'm finally going
to get some rest
in my own backyard.
I'm gonna build the ultimate
soundproof wall
all the way across here.
Check this out.
Hey, stupid bird. Hey.
Let's see you try to get
through this, huh?
Let me tell you
something, okay?
That bird's not gonna
mess with me.
He's gonna end up
in a bucket of KFC.
[squawking]
[screams]
[squawking]
[screaming]
Wo-o!
Wow, Oscar's mating call
is louder than usual.
That's because
he's found a mate.
Jess, come on!
[gasps]
Honey, are you okay?
[spits]
I think so.
[screaming]
What did you do
to my bird?
Not half of what
I'll do to you.
One step closer,
and you're ostrich chow.
[whistles]
[squawks]
Jess, you've let this thing
get way out of hand.
Now your blood pressure's
probably off the charts.
Helmet head's got
high blood pressure?
He ought to try to relax.
That's why I was
building the wall.
Can we, can we please put
a stop to this?
I mam sure that you don't want
to jeopardize Jesse's health.
Well, of course not.
If he croaks,
I can't bug him anymore.
You see that, Jess?
Underneath it all
she really almost cares.
And I know you almost care
about her
so how about
a truce?
Well, she's got to agree to give
me some peace and quiet.
What's in it for me?
And I'll agree to, uh,
to ignore you
and treat you like
the irritating pest
that you truly are.
Well, okay,
but on one condition.
What's that?
Give me a hug,
you big galoot.
I'd rather take
my chances with Oscar.
Jess, please.
Let's stop the madness.
Come on. Give her a hug.
There you go.
A-ah! Becky, Becky,
Becky, Becky.
[doorbell chimes]
[sighs]
I hope you're happy.
I'm not doing too badly.
Stephanie stood me up.
Oh, I'm sorry, Ryan.
Must be some kind
of mix-up. Come on-on in.
Steph, are you home?
I sat at the mall
for over two hours.
The guy
at the piano and organ store
played "Mandy" 32 times.
Ryan, what are you
doing here?
Hmm, what are you
doing here?
You were supposed
to meet me at the mall.
Oh, listen, I know the only
reason you asked me out
was because my dad threatened
you with canned ham.
It was spam.
Uh, look, your dad
didn't threaten me.
He just made me realize
what a rat I was
to stand you up.
Really?
And I guess I was a rat
to stand you up.
Well, you know..
...two rats don't make a wrong.
Di-didn't make a lot of sense
but it kinda fit, didn't it?
Listen, um..
...we kind of got off
on the wrong foot.
Actually, we didn't really
get off on any foot.
Um, do you think
we could start over?
I'd like that.
I'm Ryan. Why don't
we get some pizza?
Yeah, okay,
but it's on me.
Dad?
Okay.
Here's 20 grand,
your inheritance.
- See you.
- Bye.
Have fun.
What's this for?
For being an involved,
loving father
who sticks up
for his daughter.
Thanks, honey.
But don't ever
do it again.
[theme music]