1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,440 - Well, lads, last day of the holiday. - CHEERING 2 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:06,760 Charlie, what's been your favourite bit? 3 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,440 I liked the water park. 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,040 - Er, Jacko? - The nightclubs. 5 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:15,000 Oh, aye, they were good. Adam? 6 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:19,800 - The birds. - Ah, well, for me, it has to have been the weather. 7 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:25,080 Check out this tan. That's not going to fade in a hurry, is it? 8 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:26,840 LAUGHTER 9 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,880 I suppose in some ways it is weird 10 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,600 that...kind of like, one minute you're in a war zone 11 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:02,000 and then...next minute you're hame and that's that. 12 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,200 And in some ways, 13 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,640 it is a bit like coming back from a holiday, 14 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,160 cos I've got... 15 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,840 I've got colour about me - you cannae say I dinnae, cos I do... 16 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,640 Quite broon. 17 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,560 But that's a perk of the job. 18 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:23,840 In another way, it's no like coming back from holiday cos I've no been on holiday, 19 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,520 I've been at work. 20 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:31,280 So...in a way, I suppose it feels like I'm just in from work, 21 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,920 except it took ages to get hame. 22 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,240 Like, I suppose it's that way, I'm a bit like... 23 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:41,360 an international travelling salesman, 24 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,280 except I dinnae sell anything and I'm in the Army. 25 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,680 Morning, morning. 26 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,800 You will report to recruitment at 0800 hours at the Daphne Centre. 27 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,440 But we're just back. 28 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,080 You'll be able to answer the questions from the young wannabe Rambos. 29 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:02,000 - What, about hot tents and scorpions? - It's just one day, so suck it up, eh? 30 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,520 I cannae wait(!) 31 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,960 What about him? Excuse me, excuse me. 32 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,000 Sorry, nothing, I just wanted to say that is a really nice jacket. 33 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,120 That is a really... 34 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:17,360 The collar, the jeans, and... Have a great day, pal, all right? 35 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:24,800 I mean, it's a start, but I do think you'd need to be able to do more than one press-up. 36 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,240 But thanks. 37 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,080 If you are due in court tomorrow, you would need to go. 38 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,840 Army? Nah. 39 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,320 Army? 40 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,320 Nah? Army? 41 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:44,840 Nah? 42 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,760 Windsurfing? Nah. 43 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,600 OK, lads. Listen up. 44 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,000 I've just been talking to the Captain. 45 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:57,960 Has anyone seen my, erm...? Ah. 46 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,480 Chaps, at ease. 47 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:04,960 Er... The firemen. Strike. You've heard. I'm was just saying, 48 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,840 seeing as you're the chaps that drive the...em... 49 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:12,520 - Tank? - Yeah. You should be in charge of the...er... 50 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:17,400 So to outline, I shall leave you once again in the capable hands of Sergeant...um... 51 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:21,480 to get you in the very best of fire-fighting... 52 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,520 Good. 53 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:27,800 - Thank you very much, Captain. That was superb. - Carry on. 54 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,960 Now, lads. The boys and larger ladies of the Fire Service 55 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:40,000 fancy a few days off to count their wonga. So we, the fifth emergency service, will be stepping in 56 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,520 to provide fire support cover over the strike period. 57 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,640 As of tomorrow, we are expected to be on standby for all 999 emergency calls. 58 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:49,680 Questions. 59 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,480 Yes, Corporal? 60 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:58,200 Is it true that 95% of fires are caused by chips? 61 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:03,160 No, but it is true that 95% of stupid questions result in a baw' booting. 62 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,320 Now get a move on! 63 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,120 Um... 64 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,360 Ah. 65 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:16,200 Don't laugh at his name, Gary. It's just a wee furry animal. 66 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,440 Just think about Countdown. 67 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,360 At ease, Corporal...er... McLine-Tock? 68 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:28,280 - Yes, sir. - General Randy Badger. Thanks for meeting me. 69 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:33,600 - That's all right, I was told I had to. - That's what a good soldier does - follows orders. So, where to? 70 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,120 Er...out the front. 71 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,840 Do you trust me, soldier? 72 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:42,360 - Yes, General. - Good, cos it's all about trust. 73 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:47,120 Because you, Corporal, are an integral component to the success of my mission. 74 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:51,680 - What's your mission, sir? - Cross International Home Station Strategic Planning. 75 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,200 - That sounds brilliant. - It does, doesn't it? 76 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:59,240 I'm going to be examining what you boys do when you're stationed at home and not in the heat. 77 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:02,560 All right, aye. When we're at home in the house, and it's cold. 78 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:03,920 Aye, ken what you mean. 79 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,680 - What's that? You "ken"? What's that word? - Oh, sorry, General, 80 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:13,600 that's like a Scottish word that means...erm...to like...erm...ken? 81 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,480 - Like to ken? - Explain yourself, soldier. 82 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:21,440 Erm, to know someone, or something. 83 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:25,240 OK. So to ken is to know? 84 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,360 Aye, like to ken someone is to know them. 85 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,720 Do you ken them? 86 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,040 - Who, General? - No, no, I mean, is that right? 87 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,560 - As in, you can ken someone. - Aye, that's right. 88 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,960 Aye is yes. 89 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,680 I ken that. 90 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,160 - Correct, General. - This is good. 91 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:47,600 At ease, chaps. Now, as Sergeant may have said, 92 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,880 my younger brother Rupert is at university in St Andrews. 93 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,960 Bit of a big, you know, in the OTC, 94 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:58,040 and he's organised a debate. You will go and...er... Sergeant. 95 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:04,520 Yes. As the Captain has so succinctly outlined, 96 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,640 you will be representing the Army, 97 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:11,840 - adopting our official stance on the recent conflict. - Yes. Very good, Sergeant. 98 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,520 Carry on. 99 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,360 This is the arena. 100 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:22,280 You guys will be here, I'll be sat there, and your opponent Millie will be there. 101 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:23,960 Now... 102 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,480 that is what we're up against. 103 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,480 - Nae bother. - Ah, oui, oui, pas de probleme. 104 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:31,560 Is she Spanish? 105 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,640 - No. - Er...Scottish? 106 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,800 English. 107 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,720 - Right... - A tout a l'heure. A bientot. Au revoir. 108 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,120 Sorry about that. Millie. Nice to meet you. 109 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,600 - Gary. This is Jacko. - All right. 110 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:48,640 - Hi. - Rupert was just saying, erm, you're English. - Guilty as charged. 111 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,360 - Scottish, I presume? - Och, aye. 112 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,360 How exciting. North versus south. 113 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,560 Yes. Hope you're ready for the North to whip your arse. 114 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,360 - You don't have a whip with you, do you, Corporal? - Er, no. 115 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:01,960 Just a gun. 116 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,680 - That's a joke. - Yes, I know. OK. 117 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:10,080 If you'll excuse me, I'll go and steel myself to take on the might of the British Army. 118 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,480 - Well, may the best man win. - Person. 119 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,640 Er, naw. Man. 120 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:44,800 SNIGGERING 121 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,040 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 122 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,040 The greatest skill I've learned in the Army 123 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,200 has to be...getting things right. 124 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:19,640 I think the Army makes you get things right cos if you don't, 125 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,000 they're no happy. 126 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,640 And I ken you might be thinking, "What about Iraq and that?" 127 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,720 but you see that's different, cos, 128 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,760 see, we did what we were told, and that was right. 129 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,520 You do what you're told in the Army, see, right? 130 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:36,480 Whereas the Government told the Army what to dae, 131 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,120 so then if anyone was wrong, it was them. 132 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,000 But then the public 133 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:45,320 voted in the Government, so then they were wrong to do that. 134 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:48,800 So, actually, Iraq and that is the public's fault. 135 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,040 Although they won't admit it. 136 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,720 But it's true. 137 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,880 Right, lads. These oil drums represent two oil tankers 138 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:04,680 - which have crashed on a busy motorway. - Aye, I see that. 139 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,760 The medical services have removed the injured drivers, 140 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,560 - but a danger remains...which is? - They've missed something in the X-ray 141 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:15,000 - and they die later of complications? - Not quite, Dr Finlay. 142 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,160 - Petrol tank's ruptured and it's going to explode. - Nae need. 143 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:23,280 Correct. Kenning, Smith, take these matches and go and re-live your youth. 144 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,360 Putting out two oil drums wi' a 1950s converted ice-cream van - 145 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,600 watch oot Al Qaeda. 146 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,680 Hose ready! 147 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,680 Stand firm! 148 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,360 - Water on! - Go! 149 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,920 Hurry up! Get it on! 150 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,000 Charlie, turn it on! 151 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,880 71... 152 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,960 72...73... 153 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,440 Corporal! 154 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:10,920 Come on! 155 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,560 That was quick. 156 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:26,200 Did you, er, manage to feel your forefathers? 157 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:28,720 More than I could have imagined. 158 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:32,440 I just walked, took it in. 159 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,400 I know it sounds strange, but... 160 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,960 I felt my forefathers. 161 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960 For a moment there... 162 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,640 ..I really felt... 163 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,440 I was a McBadger. 164 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,800 Well, that's good, then. 165 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,600 Sir, are you all right? 166 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,160 It's just being here. 167 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,680 It feels like home. 168 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,760 It's beautiful! 169 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,400 Oh, jeez, man! 170 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,960 We're the same, Corporal. 171 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,640 I'm the same as you. 172 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,160 I'm Scotch! 173 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,600 I don't care how you dress this salad up, it's always been about oil. 174 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:24,360 Well, even if it was always aboot oil, Milleh, we've made that salad. 175 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:28,000 We've chopped the lettuce, the cucumber, we've put the lettuce in, 176 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:33,760 and we've put as much salad cream in as possible, so to put oil on it now would just ruin it. 177 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:41,560 OK, guys, I'm going to have to ask you to make your closing statements. Corporal. 178 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,720 Em...well... 179 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:49,600 All I would say is that to anyone who has ever cooked anything, 180 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,200 sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnae. 181 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:57,000 Sometimes it's nice and sometimes it makes you sick 182 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,920 and sometimes you have seconds, right? 183 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,880 But for those of you that think that we, the Army, made a meal of Iraq, 184 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:08,720 well, maybe you should stop eating microwave meals and try cooking something from scratch, 185 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,240 cos I'm telling you, it's a lot mair difficult. 186 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,840 Thanks for listening! 187 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,560 - Other hand. - Oh. 188 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,360 What's the rush? You late for work? 189 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:28,160 - Nope. - Why are you running? - Wouldn't you like to know? - No, I don't have to. 190 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:32,920 - Let me gi' you a hint. I've joined the Army. This is me in training. - What are you talking about? 191 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,360 - I came to see you and met Major Spitter. - Splitter. - She said to join, 192 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,640 - so like a good soldier I followed orders and signed up. - This isnae happening. - It is. 193 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,560 - She says you get to go windsurfing. - When was the last time you seen soldiers 194 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:47,120 - attacking a country windsurfing? - No for ages. 195 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,640 Try never. 196 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:52,520 - She said that joining would give me a purpose. - You work in the baker's! 197 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:57,200 But I hate it, Gary, it gets too hot. I want to go to Iraq. I want to be wi' you and Jacko. 198 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:01,240 We're finished with Iraq. Well, maybe. Afghanistan's hotter than the baker's, 199 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,560 a lot hotter. And besides, that's only if you got posted with us. 200 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,880 - You could end up somewhere much worse. Germany. - Don't say that. 201 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,560 You cannae sign up, your brother would kill me. 202 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:14,560 - Is that what you want? - Jacko'll no mind. He would, but I think it'll be a laugh. 203 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,840 Julie, do you know what Afghanistan means? 204 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:20,880 Does it mean hello? 205 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,680 # You can brush my hair 206 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,960 # Undress me everywhere 207 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,600 # Imagination 208 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,360 # Life is your creation 209 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,280 # Come on, Barbie, let's go party 210 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,080 # Ah, ah, ah, yeah 211 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,200 # Come on, Barbie, let's go party 212 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,760 # Ooh, ooh, ooh 213 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,600 # Come on, Barbie, let's go party. 214 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,520 # Ah, ah, ah, yeah 215 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,720 # Come on, Barbie, let's go party 216 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,440 # Ooh, ooh, ooh. # 217 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,000 If I was going to give any advice to someone 218 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,200 that was going into the Army, 219 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,880 it would have to be... 220 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,240 just enjoy yourself. 221 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,360 I mean, it's no all a bed of chocolates, right, 222 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,560 but see if you like early starts, 223 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:07,480 getting shouted at, being shot at, fighting abroad, cleaning and ironing, 224 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,000 it really is the best job in the world. 225 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,680 BUZZER 226 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,920 - Can I help you? - Aye. 227 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:25,240 - We're after a gun. - A gun? 228 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,720 Aye, a gun. 229 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,000 You never heard of them? 230 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,520 - Aye. What kind of gun? - Whit? 231 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,000 Gun. What kind of gun? There's loads of them. 232 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,320 - I thought that's what you wanted. - Aye. What have you got? - Er... 233 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:41,000 got a hand gun, machine gun, laser gun... 234 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,400 - Laser gun? - No, that's just a wee joke. 235 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:47,760 Oh, right. I want one like big Arnie's got in Commando. 236 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,200 MIMICS MACHINE GUN 237 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,080 Right, that sounds like a great film. 238 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,720 Is that the one where he's got that funny wee twin? 239 00:14:54,720 --> 00:15:00,600 - No, it's the film where he's got a big gun. - Right, OK. Well, I'll tell you the best thing to do is... 240 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,680 er...I'll buzz you through and get your details, right? 241 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,840 OK. So, what's your name? 242 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,920 - Eddy. - Eddy. Eddy what? 243 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,440 Just Eddy. 244 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:30,680 Right, like, er, Madonna or Sinitta. OK. 245 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,240 So, Eddy, did you have a budget in mind? 246 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,160 Aye. 50 cash... 247 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,240 (And 25 cheque?) 248 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,720 - And 25 cheque. - I'm sure we'll be able to get you something for that. 249 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,920 - Now, is it a gift or is it for yourself? - Just myself. 250 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:48,720 - Now it's just a matter of the money and three pieces of ID. - I've no got three pieces of ID. 251 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:54,040 We will need that, or two and a note from your Mum. Right, I'll need to go home. 252 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,480 You pop home, get the documentation and we'll see you back here. 253 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,520 - What time do youse close at? - Six sharp. - Right. Keep it for us. 254 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,120 - Certainly, sir. - Cheers, mate. 255 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:06,760 You should have said, "I'll be back." Doesnae matter. 256 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,480 BELL CLANGS 257 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,120 - All right, boys? - All right. 258 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,600 O'Connell, where you going? 259 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,600 All right, we're here. 260 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,880 - What's the score? - Nothing each. There's nae fire. 261 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,520 - What? - There's nae fire. 262 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:24,760 You sure? 263 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:29,840 - Oh, no, there it is, over there. Do you see it? - No. 264 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,120 Exactly. Cos there's nae smoke, there's nae fire. 265 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,840 This is clearly a wild duck chase. 266 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,280 THUMPING 267 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,040 GLASS SMASHES 268 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,560 Agh! It's hailstones! 269 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:45,080 Ambush! Everybody down. 270 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,240 I don't want to die. I'm too young. 271 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:52,720 - Shut up. - I swear to God, if they chip the paint I'll be raging. - METALLIC CLANGING 272 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,800 Jacko, get an ID on the sniper. Charlie, Adam, flank. 273 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,160 Come out, or we'll shoot all o' youse. 274 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,080 - Dinnae dae that again. - Sorry. 275 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,520 Have ye no got your guns? Sorry. 276 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:11,360 Right, dinnae be silly. 277 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,040 Gary... 278 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,800 three o'clock. Bushes. 279 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,800 GARY WHISTLES 280 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,600 Oh, my God, this is amazing. Much better than a fire, eh? 281 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,080 SCREAMING AND SHOUTING 282 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,040 VARIOUS: Piss off! 283 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,360 Let me go, this is assault. 284 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,240 I'll get my dad to batter youse. 285 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,200 Fair dos. You tell him, three o'clock, school gates. 286 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:51,840 - What do you think you're doing, ya wee boot? - Who are you callin'...? - Calm down, please. 287 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,080 Why you saying please? 288 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,760 I just about got ma teeth knocked oot, and I need ma teeth. For chewing. 289 00:17:56,760 --> 00:18:02,720 - We need to go north west from here, around from this point, avoiding... - MOBILE RINGS 290 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,160 Hello, ChildLine. 291 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,080 No, Dad, it's me. 292 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,120 - It's my dad. - ALL: Hello, Mr McLintoch. 293 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,080 Aye, good. 294 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,760 He's asking, were the sausage rolls good? 295 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,720 ALL: Oh, aye. 296 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,000 Shit. When did that happen? 297 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,120 - His cooker's broken. - ALL: Aw. 298 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,920 - But he's OK. - ALL CHEER 299 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:28,600 Right. But he's got to cook for the bowling club on Saturday. 300 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:29,640 ALL: Boo. 301 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,040 Right. But he's found a cooker advertised in the paper. 302 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,960 ALL CHEER 303 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,160 Right, you speak. 304 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:49,040 Ask if there's a gas cooker for sale. We check it, we get out of here. 305 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,320 Right, calm doon. Two minutes. 306 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,440 (It'll be fine.) 307 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:00,400 Can I help youse? 308 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,720 Em...we're here about the ad 309 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:07,360 - in the paper? - I'm no into guys. - Naw, 310 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,360 the cooker? 311 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,560 Charlie, dinnae. It's Julie. She's supposed to be at the bingo. 312 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,080 Maybe she won. 313 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,400 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 314 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,640 - Come on! - Shut up! 315 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,200 LAUGHTER 316 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:32,480 - Gary, don't just stand there, help me, it's on fire. - Put it doon, then. 317 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,480 - I cannae. - Just put it doon. 318 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:40,520 See? I lit the candles in the car cos I wanted to open the box 319 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,560 and they'd be lit and it'd be exciting, 320 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,800 but then the box went on fire. That's why I was driving like that. 321 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:51,520 - I think it's really improved your driving. - Shut up, Jacko, I hardly ever crash now. 322 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:52,600 Oh. 323 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,680 - Surprise! - Oh, aye... Surprise! 324 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,840 - Surprise. - What? - Come on! 325 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,600 ALL: # Happy birthday to you 326 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,240 # Happy birthday to you... # 327 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,320 Charlie! 328 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,560 # Happy birthday, brilliant Gary 329 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:13,400 # Happy Birthday to you. # 330 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:19,000 Very tuneful. A lot like Songs Of Praise, but in praise of me. 331 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,840 - Bring it in, then. - Right. 332 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,320 There's nae equipment concerns here in Iraq. 333 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,400 I mean, our camouflage is top notch. 334 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,320 - Aye, aye. - Hiya. - Morning. 335 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,520 Who said that? 336 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,320 So it's a 32-mile hike, leaving in 15 minutes 337 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:39,320 with an ETA of 0600 hours, 338 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,480 where the weather is currently a very pleasant ten degrees. 339 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,320 Corporal. 340 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,880 - Do you mind? - Certainly. 341 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,640 OK. Here's the plan. 342 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:54,040 Now this walk in the dark and cold and rain is all very well and good, 343 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,640 but, em, Corporal, show me on the map where the downtown area is. 344 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:02,160 Erm... Well, the downtown area is here. 345 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:06,400 Thank you. And what's this area here? 346 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,720 - That's the high street. - High street? 347 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,120 OK. 348 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,720 I'm instigating Operation Hell Yeah. 349 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:17,560 We'll leave, as the Corporal has outlined, in 15 minutes, 350 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,320 heading to this area here, 351 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,920 where you'll take me to a bar that serves hard liquor. 352 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,840 - But, General... - Look into my eyes, soldier. 353 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,000 I'm General Randy Badger. Do you ken what that means? 354 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,920 - I do. - It means I'm in charge and I'm changing the mission. 355 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,680 Now, we're going into town on Operation Hell Yeah. 356 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,000 You got a problem with that? Yes or ken? 357 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000 Ken? 358 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,400 Good! Now... 359 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,840 scrape that shit off your faces and meet at the gate in 15 minutes 360 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:50,280 where a cab is waiting to take us to Pussyville! 361 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:53,600 What's no to understand? 362 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,000 Adam got you pregnant, that's your excuse for leaving the Army. 363 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,800 Right. So how did this happen? 364 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,320 Well, the man, he puts his... 365 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,520 Shut it, right? Just tell them it happened a few weeks ago. 366 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,440 - Where? - What does it matter where? 367 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:12,480 - I need to know all the details in case she catches me out. - The Daphne Centre. Disabled toilet. 368 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,960 - Aye. - No way. What do you think I am? 369 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,720 I'm not even disabled, Adam. 370 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,120 No, in Paris. 371 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:23,920 - In Paris? - Aye, aw, listen, it was really romantic. You took me for a meal, 372 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:28,520 a really expensive one, and we had champagne, and we went back to a five-star hotel, 373 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:33,280 to the penthouse suite, and that's where our beautiful baby, Daniel, was conceived. 374 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,880 - How do you know it's a boy? - I've got a feeling. 375 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:41,120 - Trust me, a mother knows. - Look, the bottom line is you're pregnant. He got you pregnant. 376 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,920 - That should be enough, right? - Right. - Let's do this. 377 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,080 - Er, what about Jacko? - He wasnae there. 378 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:51,720 - I know, but I just think he'd be really annoyed if he finds out. - That's why he's not to find out. 379 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,360 That's a good idea. 380 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,760 Yes. It is. 381 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,360 Well, well, lads, that was quick. 382 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:03,520 - Aye, we got here as soon as we could. - You certainly did. What's this? 383 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,920 - That...is a cooker. - There's no getting past you, eh? 384 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,040 It looks like a cooker to me too. 385 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,200 Aye, somebody must have left it. 386 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,040 Probably junkies. 387 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:18,880 Probably junkies, eh? What a strange thing to leave in the middle of a field on MoD-secured property. 388 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:24,360 Aye. They were probably so high they didn't even realise that you cannae plug in a cooker in a field. 389 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:30,360 - Unless you've got a really long extension lead that they probably stole from someone... - Shut up. 390 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:34,000 Anyone got a better explanation for what this is doing here? 391 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,280 So, this cooker, appearing out the blue... 392 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,440 well, it could be deemed to be a security threat. 393 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,840 Naw. It's just a cooker. 394 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:47,280 Come, come, Corporal. You know how sneaky Al Qaeda can be. 395 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:50,640 Cookers, toasters, who knows how they'll strike next. 396 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,760 Well, lads, you know what to do. 397 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,880 - Secure the area! - Naw, we cannae blow it up. 398 00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:02,640 - I mean, what would we use? - I wonder? 399 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,840 BAGPIPES PLAY: "We Will Rock You" by Queen 400 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,040 I do remember the first time they told us we were going out. 401 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:44,400 They had us in this, like, big hall 402 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,560 and the Major was there 403 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:51,160 with posh apples in his mouth and...er...he says, er... 404 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:55,440 "Right, lads, I've got some news you might be expecting." 405 00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:02,680 And for some reason I heard this, right, and I leant into Jacko and I said, 406 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:08,560 I said, "I'm no pregnant," cos he'd said "expecting", ken, like... 407 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,040 A baby, you know that saying, right? 408 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,560 And it may not sound that funny, but Jacko started laughing. 409 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:21,480 Like, I thought he was going to piss himself, right. Like honestly, I really thought he was. 410 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,280 And the hall, it was that quiet and the Sarge, like our sarge, 411 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:30,440 was looking at us from the stage and cos he was laughing so much I started, right? 412 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,040 And I swear to God, I couldnae stop myself, right? 413 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:37,640 Every time I'd just about got it together, he would go, and that would start me off again. 414 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:42,880 So we're both there, like, trying to hold it in, right, but crying with laughter, right? 415 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,600 As this boy is saying to us... 416 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,800 we're going out to Iraq. 417 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:51,400 And then there's other laddies beside us, like, trying not to greet. 418 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:56,800 But it's that way, sometimes you've just got to laugh. 419 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,080 Especially if it's funny. 420 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:06,960 Where have you been? 421 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,560 I've been showing Rupert what a laugh the Army is. 422 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:11,200 Jacko, where's Rupert? 423 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,600 Don't know. 424 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,680 Probably out enjoying himself, Gary. You know what these students are like. 425 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,560 Is he deid? 426 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,080 - Naw. - No, seriously though, is he deid? 427 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,360 No. 428 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,280 Hi. Yah, no, amazing. 429 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,960 Amazing lads. Yah. That Jacko... 430 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,000 Joker to the max, right? 431 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,480 Yah, yah, yah. Fantastic time, fantastic. 432 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,120 OK. OK, well, I'll see you at Chris... 433 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,360 Bye. 434 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,440 SCREAMING 435 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,760 I have diplomatic immunity. My hands can go wherever they want. 436 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,840 Do you ken who I am, son? 437 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:53,400 I'm General Randy Badger. 438 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,360 Sounds about right. There's nae touching. You're out. 439 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:58,560 - Don't you push me. - Out ye go. 440 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:03,680 Och, well, er, that's our pal getting chucked oot. So, er... 441 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:07,520 I better head, but listen, it's been really good meeting you, 442 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,440 so thanks for that. See you later. 443 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:15,920 - You're barred. - I don't even know what you're saying! 444 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:18,440 You son of a... 445 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,200 minger. 446 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:21,880 I'm a McBadger. 447 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:24,960 USA, USA! US... 448 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,520 Taxi! 449 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:35,280 The General just got in taxi. 450 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:39,040 That's fine, we'll just head back. He'll be all right, eh? 451 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,800 Aye, he's a General. 452 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,040 General Randy Bugger. 453 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,080 THEY LAUGH AND CHEER 454 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:47,720 Right, 'mon. 455 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,600 - Target in range. - Confirmed. 456 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,080 - Lock on target. - Target locked. 457 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:56,880 - Prepare to fire. - Ready. 458 00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,760 Sorry, Dad. 459 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,400 Fire! 460 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,880 Two minutes till it's no' your birthday. 461 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,680 - Mmm. - Any last words? 462 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,440 # Happy birthday 463 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,320 # Happy birthday 464 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,440 # Dum-dum-da-da-da-da. # 465 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:53,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 466 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:56,160 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk