1
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Right, you dae one of Nelson Mandela.

2
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Today!

3
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< Three, two, one...

4
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,280
THEY LAUGH

5
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Aw, that's brilliant!

6
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,640
< Why is he asleep?

7
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,760
He's pure gouching, look at him.

8
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DRAMATIC DRUMROLL

9
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:51,720
OK, lads, listen up. I've just been talking to the Captain.

10
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Has anyone seen my, erm...?

11
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,240
Ah!

12
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Chaps, at ease.

13
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,920
The firemen strike, you've heard?

14
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:07,880
Not. I was just saying, seeing as you're the chaps that drive the...erm...

15
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- Tank?
- Yeah.

16
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You should be in charge of the, erm...

17
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So, to outline, I shall leave you once again in the very capable hands of Sergeant, erm...

18
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To get you in the very best of fire fighting...

19
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Good.

20
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,240
Thank you very much, Captain. That was superb.

21
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Carry on.

22
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Now lads, the boys and larger ladies of the fire service

23
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fancy a few days off to count their wonga,

24
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so we, the 5th Emergency service, will be stepping in

25
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:43,560
to provide fire support cover over the strike period.

26
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As of tomorrow, we are expected to be on standby for all 999 emergency calls.

27
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Questions?

28
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:58,240
- Yes, Corporal.
- Is it true that 95% of fires are caused by chips?

29
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No, but it is true that 95% of stupid questions

30
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,200
result in a baw booting!

31
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Now, you need get drilled and skilled in the art of fire destruction sharpish.

32
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Full equipment check, in the yard, 1400.

33
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,880
The Goddesses are in the east bays, yours is 17.

34
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She's legal then? Oi, oi!

35
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,840
She is the property of the British Army, so McLintoch,

36
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I expect you and your merry monkeys to show her due respect.

37
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:27,600
Oh, don't worry, Sarge, like the song says, we'll treat her with RSPCT.

38
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,960
Well put. Now get a move on.

39
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,160
Um... Erm...

40
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,560
It doesnae actually bother me that we cannae go on strike.

41
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:45,880
I mean, in some ways it's good, cos like, like, say you were in a job that some folk wanted

42
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:50,280
to go on strike, and some folk didnae want to go on strike.

43
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:54,840
It just means that, here, in the army, well, you cannae go on strike.

44
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So you don't have to pick a side.

45
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,400
And I think actually that the army's different

46
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cos it's no' got the kinda folk that would want to go on strike.

47
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,680
Well, in some ways it does because we've got like, nurses and doctors,

48
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,600
but there's nae coal miners and like, nae train drivers.

49
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,160
But, even if they wanted to,

50
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:19,000
right, even if they said "Oh, look, oh, I'm no' diggin' any more coal",

51
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or whatever, they'd just be telt, "You, get your lamp back on, you're in the army!"

52
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Or "You just better drive that train, we need to get to Carlisle!

53
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"You're in the army!"

54
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And that's that.

55
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,880
And like sometimes, you just need that, eh?

56
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:41,000
Cos like, imagine what would happen like, if everyone went on strike.

57
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Like literally, everybody,

58
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and you wouldn't even be able to buy...milk,

59
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,480
unless the army

60
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milked the cows.

61
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And we would.

62
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Cos that's what we do.

63
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:04,320
Do you think if we went on strike, they'd get the firemen to step in for us?

64
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,200
Those fat bastards wouldnae last a minute.

65
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,000
Technically, we cannae strike.

66
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,680
The closest thing would be to lobby the British Armed Forces Federation

67
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,160
and they would take it to the Executive Council.

68
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,640
Yeah, I knew that.

69
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,280
I'm just saying, you know, if we did.

70
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:18,960
But we cannae.

71
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:22,480
Charlie, shut up. All I'm wondering is, if the army go on strike,

72
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,480
- then who would step in?
- The police.

73
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,280
- But what if they were on strike? 
- They cannae strike either.

74
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:28,480
Aye, but what if they did?

75
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,640
Shut up, would youse?! We cannae strike, the police cannae strike.

76
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,520
The firemen have striked, cos they're fat lazy bastards.

77
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,640
They're just executing their civil right to strike.

78
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,120
Mair like executing their civil right to sit aboot eating bacon rolls!

79
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,960
- It's no' as if they're fighting fires all day!
- Cats.

80
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,280
They sometimes get cats, I've seen that.

81
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:54,160
See, and it's no' just about fires, Jacko, they have to go to road accidents.

82
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,280
I dinnae like cats.

83
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,680
I hope we don't have to go and rescue a cat.

84
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,520
They make my eyes feel...funny.

85
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,040
What's this to you anyhow?

86
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,720
- They're just after mair money. 
- It's no' just about money.

87
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,840
I can actually see where they're coming fae.

88
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,680
- Why have they gone on strike?
- Well, it's partially money.
- All money.

89
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,040
- Naw.
- Of course it's all to dae wi' money, Charlie.

90
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:18,760
I mean, folk might say pay and conditions, but actually what they mean is pay, conditions and money.

91
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:23,280
Naw, it's aboot working hours, equipment and safety concerns.

92
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:27,040
Safety con...! Of course there's safety concerns, they put out fires!

93
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:31,120
That's their job. If you can't stand the heat, then stay out the fire engine.

94
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,960
- Spot on.
- I'm just being devil's advocate here.

95
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,120
Well, if I was the devil, I would sack you.

96
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,440
Oi, oi! What are youse waiting outside for?

97
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,880
Cos you've got the key.

98
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,960
# I've got the secret! #

99
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,200
- Have you got the key?
- Aye.

100
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:51,920
# I've got the key to another way-ee-ay!

101
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,720
# I got the key I got the secret

102
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,200
# I got the key to another way... #

103
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,240
SINGING DIES OUT

104
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,800
Right, I'm going on strike.

105
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,760
DRUM ROLL

106
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:21,440
It reminds me of the toy trucks I used to play with when I was wee.

107
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,000
Except mine was a red Ferrari.

108
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,960
Aye, they were brought in during the Cold War,

109
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,280
designed with a nuclear attack in mind.

110
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:35,040
The design's actually based on the old Bedford RL series but they've stopped making the original tyres.

111
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,200
Do you ever bore yoursel', Charlie?

112
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:43,200
Look at it. It's like something oot o' Dad's Army.

113
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,720
Remember? "Don't tell them your name, Pike!"

114
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,120
But that was his name! That was funny. And that old boy, what was he called?

115
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,560
Mainwaring?

116
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,680
- Nah.
- Jonesy?

117
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,640
Naw, the old boy?

118
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,000
"We're do-o-o-o-med." Him?

119
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,280
Nah. What was it he used to say? he would be like,

120
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:04,680
IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT: Ah wis just "pissing."

121
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,920
That's 'Allo 'Allo, Gary... The policeman.

122
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,680
He wisnae even old.

123
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,880
Well, he wis old to me when I was watching it!

124
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,040
And it was aboot the war, so just...aye.

125
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,680
Shit, we're late. C'mon, hurry up.

126
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:25,640
FAST TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

127
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:49,440
Right, lads, these oil drums represent two oil tankers which have crashed on a busy motorway.

128
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:54,760
- Oh, aye, I see that.
- The medical services have removed the injured drivers, but a danger remains.

129
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,440
- Which is?
- Is it that they've missed something in the X-ray,

130
00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,160
and they die later of complications?

131
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:00,720
Not quite, Dr Finlay.

132
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,480
Petrol tank's ruptured and it's going to explode.

133
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,560
- Nae need.
- Correct.

134
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:09,720
Kenning, Smith, take these matches and go and relive your youth!

135
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,600
Putting out two oil drums with a 1950s converted ice-cream van?

136
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,920
Watch oot Al-Qaeda.

137
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,000
Hose ready!

138
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,800
Stand firm! Water on!

139
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,680
Go!

140
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:35,880
- We need it mair than that. 
- It's stuck.

141
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,160
Stuck? I'll stick you in a minute.

142
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,960
Hurry up! Get it on.

143
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,640
Charlie? Just turn it on!

144
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,520
71! 72!

145
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:57,720
73!

146
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,160
74!

147
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:07,520
Come on, keep going. 17 to go. That's it, boys.

148
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,320
I dinnae really think that by marching doon the street,

149
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:15,440
you're gonna be changing that much, apart from maybe the traffic routes.

150
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:18,560
But it disnae stop people, eh?

151
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:22,560
I mean, I think that for some folk, they just like the walk.

152
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:27,520
And I suppose, if it is a nice day, and there's a protest march on, you maybe think, "Well, why no'?

153
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,920
"I've just had a big lunch, a walk would help", right?

154
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:34,200
And that is fair enough, right, but you see, the problem is these days,

155
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:38,800
that a lot of these folk just go on the marches, ken, just to like, to go radge.

156
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,400
Like to smash stuff up and, you know, I've seen that.

157
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,360
I've seen that in that London, but then you know,

158
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,920
folk in London are always, ken, you know, moanin' aboot stuff

159
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:54,960
like poll tax, digestion charges, oh, the government.

160
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,920
You know? And it's always London, eh?

161
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:02,840
It is, but folk say that aboot London, that it makes you angry when you get there.

162
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:08,400
And it does actually, cos I once went to that Madame "Two Swords", right?

163
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:16,360
25 quid to get in, and he never even looked like Robbie Williams.

164
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,880
I was raging.

165
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,120
DISCO RINGTONE PLAYS

166
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,560
Hello, United Nations.

167
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:34,840
No, Julie, it's me. It's Gary.

168
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,640
Right, just, right, calm doon!

169
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,640
All I can hear is broken doon, broken doon present?

170
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:46,480
Right, your car's broken doon, and you've got me a present.

171
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,400
OK, just listen to me carefully.

172
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,200
What is my present?

173
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,800
Dinnae worry, I won't tell Jacko.

174
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,680
Tell Jacko whit?

175
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,480
Julie's broken her car.

176
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,640
Sorry Julie, somebody must a' told him.

177
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,560
- What's the matter wi' it? 
- What's the matter wi' it?

178
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,200
- Won't start. 
- Has she put the keys in it?

179
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,600
Have you put the keys in it?

180
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:09,680
20 times.

181
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:14,240
Right, dinnae stress, we'll come up and get you, awright?

182
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,960
OK, see ya later.

183
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:21,240
Right, come on then, let's go. She's got me a present.

184
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,240
MUSIC: "Never Miss a Beat" by KAISER CHIEFS

185
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,240
Turn that up.

186
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:29,160
# What do you want for tea? I want crisps! #

187
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,200
Brilliant lyrics.

188
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,640
There she is.

189
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,320
- Are you awright?
- Do I look awright, or do I look like a prostitute?

190
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:46,920
Is that why that car stopped?

191
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,240
- Right, he's dead! 
- No, Jacko, it's awright.

192
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,920
- He just wanted a...
- A what?

193
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,840
Gary! No.

194
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,320
Are youse going to be firemen?

195
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:57,880
Looks like.

196
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:03,280
Well, you might be needing this! Go on, open it, it's an axe!

197
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:04,560
Hello, Argos?

198
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,920
No, it's me, Gary.

199
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,240
But we don't start till tomorrow.

200
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,880
Right, up at the recce ground.

201
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,800
Right, we'll see you in a bit. Awright, cheers, bye.

202
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,920
- Where you going? 
- They've struck early.

203
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,960
- The terrorists?!
- Naw, the firemen.

204
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,000
Oh, that's awright.

205
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,360
I hope there's a really big fire and you save everyone!

206
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,480
I hope it's not my house!

207
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,760
Oh my God, what if the house burns down?!

208
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:30,040
- Julie, shut up! Where is it? 
- The recce ground. Bonfire's out of control.

209
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,160
SHE SQUEALS

210
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,160
Right. She's no' coming wi' us.

211
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,800
Yes, I am, Jacko. We can leave the car here. Oh, Jacko, please!

212
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,360
I'll behave, I promise.

213
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:41,160
Well, if we dinnae take her, then someone else might give her a lift, huh?

214
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,400
- Get in.
- Yes.

215
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:08,680
Where is it?

216
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,160
I cannae see it!

217
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,600
- Well, it should be here. 
- You promised!

218
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,240
I never promised.

219
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,880
BELLS RING

220
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:20,960
Oh, it's awright.

221
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,760
We're saved.

222
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,000
Aw. Is that your one?

223
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,480
I don't like they ones as much. I like the red ones.

224
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,000
- Awright, boys?
- Awright. 
- Altono, where are you going?

225
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,360
Oh, right, we're here. What's the score?

226
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,960
- Nothing each, there's nae fire.
- What?

227
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,280
- There's nae fire.
- You sure?

228
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,560
Oh no, there it is over there.

229
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,240
Do you see it?

230
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,640
- Naw.
- Exactly. Cos there's nae smoke, there's nae fire.

231
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,080
This is clearly a wild duck chase.

232
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,720
GLASS SMASHES

233
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,600
- It's hailstones! 
- Ambush, everybody doon! Cover!

234
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,920
First my car, then me. I don't want to die, I'm too young.

235
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:17,920
- Shut up.
- I swear tae God, if they chip the paint, I'll be ragin'!

236
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:20,840
Jacko, get an ID on the sniper.

237
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,440
Charlie, Adam, flanks.

238
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,680
Come out or we'll shoot all of youse!

239
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:36,320
- Dinnae do that again.
- Sorry. Have you no' got your guns? Sorry.

240
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,880
Right, dinnae be silly.

241
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,320
Gary...three o'clock. Bushes.

242
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,320
HE WHISTLES

243
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,800
Oh, my God, this is amazing.

244
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,120
It's much better than a fire, eh?

245
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,120
SHE SCREAMS

246
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,800
VOICES SHOUT

247
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,560
Piss off, piss off! >

248
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,080
Let me go, this is assault. I'll get my dad to batter youse!

249
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,720
Yeah, fair dos. You tell him, 3 o'clock, school gates.

250
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,600
Seriously though, whit dae you think yer daeing? Ya wee boot!

251
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,800
- Who are you calling a wee boot, you big tube?
- Calm doon, please!

252
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:23,400
What are you saying "please" for? I just about got ma teeth knocked oot, and ah need ma teeth.

253
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,800
- For chewing. So?
- So what?

254
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,800
- What do you think you're daeing, chucking stones at us?
- Why no'?

255
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,040
Why no'?!

256
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,640
Cos A, it's dangerous, B, it's actually quite rude.

257
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,960
And three, that's my car!

258
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,800
Well, there's nothing else...to do.

259
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,920
There must be loads of stuff. What about playing in the park?

260
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,040
- It's been knocked doon. 
- Community centre?
- Knocked doon.

261
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,760
- Youth club?
- That was in the community centre that...

262
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,800
- That was knocked doon, right. I'm getting this.
- Aye.

263
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,600
But listen, youse cannae dae this. I'm gonna have to report youse, right?

264
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:57,080
Well, I'll tell the polis you touched me in the bushes.

265
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,560
- But I never. 
- Well, I've got witnesses.

266
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,720
Girls!

267
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,720
Youse wouldnae do that, would youse?

268
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:04,800
Aye.

269
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,720
Right, right. Fair dos. Right, there's no' that much to do round here

270
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,760
so you fancied throwing some stones at the emergency services.

271
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,920
Right, that's understandable.

272
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:20,040
But is there any chance youse could maybe hold off until the fire brigade get back off their strike, eh?

273
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,160
Please?

274
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,760
Aye, I suppose so.

275
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:34,480
Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you indeed. Off youse go.

276
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,000
Come on, then.

277
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:42,200
Thanks again. Good throws and that.

278
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,720
- What was that like?
- Like getting ambushed off a few wee lassies.

279
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:50,360
They never ambushed us, they just...

280
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,120
Made us look like dicks.

281
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,880
- Aye. They did.
- I was lookin' forward to a right big beast of a fire, too.

282
00:16:55,880 --> 00:17:01,440
So was I, eh? Ken, I wouldnae have minded all that if there'd just been something on fire, anything, eh?

283
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,160
I'm up for starting one.

284
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,040
I'm only joking...

285
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,080
I'm no'!

286
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,800
I wouldnae say young folk are really that different to when I was younger.

287
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:15,240
Eh, they maybe look different, but then that's because I don't know them.

288
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:19,160
I mean, they say they're fatter now, but, I think that's a bit unfair

289
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,040
cos when I was growing up, I knew loads of fat kids.

290
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:29,320
And there was this one girl, Theresa Small she was called,

291
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:35,560
which was weird cos she was really fat, like really, you know,

292
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:41,160
like really fat, and we used to call her, eh, Theresa Massive,

293
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,040
cos she was massive.

294
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:48,080
Ken, she was, she was the kinda fat girl you would, you know, point at in the street.

295
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:52,120
But I tell you, she might have been fat and all that but she was funny.

296
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:56,320
Oh, my goodness, she was funny. She used to make me laugh all the time, honestly.

297
00:17:56,320 --> 00:18:00,680
I mean, just the way she walked, it was hilarious.

298
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,560
Let me get this straight, four members of Her Majesty's armed forces

299
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,920
were ambushed by a couple of wee lassies?

300
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,800
Eh, there was three. Two of them didnae speak.

301
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,960
Who you then manhandled in the bushes?! Is that correct?

302
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,240
- Come on, Sarge, it wasn't like that. 
- Well, that's what it sounds like to me!

303
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,960
This has got Daily Mail headline written all over it,

304
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,720
"Army Unit Ambush Ends in Young Girls Bush Attack!"

305
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:28,520
I want that Goddess back at the garage and I want her cleaned up with a toothbrush.

306
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:33,360
Do you understand? With a shite-ing toothbrush!

307
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:41,720
I'm just thinking, right, it's bad enough getting attacked off they wee lassies,

308
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:48,080
but see them making that prank call, that could have meant we missed a real fire.

309
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,000
I know, I hadn't thought aboot that.

310
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,400
Wee shits! I really wanted a fire.

311
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:57,600
Dry yer eyes, they were just wee lassies.

312
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,280
Youse trying to tell us that you never made prank calls when you were bairns?

313
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,120
Once, but I phoned straight back and apologised.

314
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:07,760
Me and ma mates, we'd ring up the boozer, right?

315
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,760
We'd get the barmaid to shout on Mike Hunt.

316
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,240
How, did you know him?

317
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:23,000
Naw, Mike Hunt. Think aboot it?

318
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,320
Mike Hunt.

319
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,360
Naw.

320
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:35,520
I tell you, when I was younger, right, one time I phoned a taxi for the hoose next door.

321
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,480
But then they just got in it.

322
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,560
I once phoned the police and said that I was holding my family hostage.

323
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,960
And that I wanted ten quid or I was gonna hack their legs off.

324
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:51,360
Well, I wis ten.

325
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:57,520
The police knew it was a wind-up, threatened to batter me, and I put down the phone.

326
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,080
That is the way it should be.

327
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,920
Jacko's right, we should have threatened to batter them.

328
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,760
No, that disnae work.

329
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:08,160
There's nothing for these people to do in the community, so that's why they're angry.

330
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:14,160
You just need to step back and listen to them even if they're throwing stones, or shouting at you.

331
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:19,400
Nah, right, all I know is, when we were younger we might have done prank calls, but we werenae violent.

332
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:23,280
- What about when you shot that boy in the baws with the airgun? 
- That wis an accident.

333
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,040
- Aye, but did you no' shoot him twice?
- That was unlucky, right.

334
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:32,240
Now, Charlie, I hear what you're saying about, whatever it was, right,

335
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:36,360
but I just dinnae want to be going to fires that arenae on fire.

336
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,760
And if I wanted young girls throwin' stuff at me, then I would have joined a boy band.

337
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,400
# Re-light my fire

338
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,520
# Your love is my only desire!

339
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,880
# Relight my fire!

340
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:55,360
# Cos I need your love!

341
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,560
# You gotta be strong enough to walk on through the night

342
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:02,520
# Yeah, there's a new day on the other side, on the other side

343
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,960
# You gotta have hope, hope In your soul

344
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:10,960
# Keep on walking Whoa-a-whoa-a-whoa-oh... #

345
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,360
WHIRRING NOISE

346
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,360
My battery's run oot.

347
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,360
It's alive, he's alive.

348
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,200
He's pure become alive!

349
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,720
Is he awright?

350
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,480
Is he awright?

351
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,800
MAN SPLUTTERS

352
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:41,120
Adam?

353
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:43,720
Adam! Shit.

354
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,200
ADAM LAUGHS

355
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,080
Shut it! Shut it!

356
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,720
'I thought we'd killed you!'

357
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,200
Bored!

358
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:59,560
I dunno, I could get used to this fireman malarkey. Piece of piss, eh?

359
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,040
Cup of tea, paper, 30k a year?

360
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,160
And the pension package isnae too shabby either.

361
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:09,800
All that's missing is a nice big fire, ken, like a raging one wi' flames!

362
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:13,560
Aye, or like a whole building? Whoosh!

363
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,000
Aye! Or even two buildings!

364
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,120
HE MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE

365
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,920
That'd be brilliant, eh!

366
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,480
Argh, it's doing ma heid in! Argh. It's worse than stagging on!

367
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,080
Why don't ye read a crossword or something?

368
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,680
I've been learning about red squirrels.

369
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,960
Do you know they're a lot like grey squirrels?

370
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,160
BELL RINGS

371
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,640
On your feet, ladies! There's a fire up at the Primary School.

372
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:40,880
- Which one?
- Myreside.

373
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,520
Yes! Ah went to Petersfield.

374
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:43,800
Move it!

375
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:52,920
I dinnae think you can ever be like, fully prepared for anything.

376
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,560
I mean, you try to be as much as you can,

377
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,280
but sometimes that's just no' possible.

378
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,680
You've just got to react at that time, like,

379
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,440
the best you can to what's going on.

380
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:09,520
Like, I remember when I was no' long in the army,

381
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,960
I'd ordered a pizza, right,

382
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:19,520
and the waiter brought it oot - and...I'll never forget this -

383
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,080
they'd put a fried egg on top of it.

384
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,280
Seriously, I wisnae prepared for that.

385
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,000
So I just ate roond it.

386
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:35,160
You see, that's what being in the army's all aboot.

387
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,080
You've just got to adapt!

388
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,120
Does anyone see any smoke?

389
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,040
Come on, oh, it's looking good, lads.

390
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,200
Check her oot, she's shite-ing herself.

391
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:58,560
Thank God you're here! Oh, this is just awful! It's fricking awful!

392
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,400
- Awright, just listen to me, right, is there is a big fire?
- Yes!

393
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,920
Magic!

394
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,240
- Follow me, it's round the side. 
- What?

395
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:10,360
Bring the truck! For frick's sake, bring the truck!

396
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,760
Right, we heard you, Miss!

397
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:13,960
They've changed, eh?

398
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,120
Are you actually kidding me?

399
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,280
All of you get back!

400
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:27,920
< Back! Back!

401
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:32,160
Do you know what, right? I think I've been really unlucky wi' these fires.

402
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,600
It could have been the fricking kids!

403
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,680
They loved that shed, look at them, they're distraught!

404
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:46,160
Look, I know your shed's on fire but at least it's no' your face, or your face, eh?

405
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,600
Is that supposed to make me feel better?!

406
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,920
Can someone else, cos I can't... I just cannae do that.

407
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,120
- Well, I think what my colleague is trying to...
- Why are you near me?

408
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:59,040
Fricking frick, will you just put the fire out, you useless fricking frick!

409
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,120
- There's no need for that. 
- Well, do it now!

410
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:05,440
Listen you, we are dealing with this situation, and you're not helping.

411
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,400
Now just stand over there and let us do our job.

412
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,160
You're right, Charlie, eh? It's all aboot listening to folk,

413
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,960
and then ignoring them and telling them whit to dae, eh?

414
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,640
Come on, then.

415
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,160
CHILD SCREAMS

416
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,560
SIREN WAILS

417
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:32,840
That's them here now.

418
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,560
Adam, just never mind about that, just get this working.

419
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,440
Pricks!

420
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,440
Awright, lads?

421
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,160
Piece of shit!

422
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,840
Few problems?

423
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,480
Naw, naw, it's awright, aye.

424
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,680
What are youse daeing here?

425
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:59,280
Och, we'll always call off a strike if it's a school, PR and that?

426
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,040
The ice-cream van...is deid.

427
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,480
Don't worry, boys, we need the practice.

428
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,480
No' seen a fire in weeks, mainly prank call-outs these days.

429
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:11,080
- Oh, really?
- Aye, it's murder, it's part of the reason we're on strike.

430
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:14,760
- Fed up going out to these calls and then getting attacked. 
- Aye, that must be tough, aye.

431
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,560
Have you boys seen much bother?

432
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:19,680
Naw, everyone's been really nice and that, eh?

433
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,960
If youse ever get a wee bit bored of the army, you know who to call.

434
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,280
- Aye, Ghostbusters.
- Naw, 999.

435
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,760
Sorry to interrupt, but the shed still is on fire.

436
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,400
Awright, love. Aye, so it is.

437
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,720
Best get cracking, aye. You boys don't mind, dae ye?

438
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,680
Oh, no, no, no. Put yourself oot.

439
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,200
Right boys, fight it!

440
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,400
CHILDREN CHEER

441
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,040
Fat bastards.

442
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:19,600
I think the main reason that firemen are so popular now is actually cos the attacks,

443
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,480
remember, in New York,

444
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,160
remember, in America,

445
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,640
remember, the buildings,

446
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,400
two buildings, aye.

447
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:36,400
And that, like, really raised their profile, eh?

448
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,680
And they did do a good job.

449
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:43,640
I mean, they didn't stop it but then they didn't need to

450
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,720
cos it just put itsel' oot, but...

451
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:54,600
Whoo-hoo! We're off! The fatties are back on.

452
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,440
- Nae mair of this shite!
- How?

453
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,240
The firemen must have got their cash and their choccy biscuits they were after.

454
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:05,040
I'm glad, cos it's all been nae fires and nae smoke. It's nae for me.

455
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:06,440
- Me neither.
- That's that fixed.

456
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:10,040
I wis beginning to think you fancied yourself as a bit of a fireman, eh?

457
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:11,960
Nah, this is better, eh?

458
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:14,040
The boys.

459
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:16,160
- Aye.
- The platoon.
- Aye.

460
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,200
The regiment, the family.

461
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,200
Who'd want to leave this?

462
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,080
You're right, Charlie, it is like a family.

463
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,040
And now it's bath time.

464
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:29,760
Come along, boys!

465
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,680
Wa-hey!

466
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,360
Subtitles by Red Bee Media

467
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,680
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