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BAGPIPES AND DRUMS PLAY: "We Will Rock You" by Queen

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Don't laugh at his name, Gary, it's just a wee furry animal.

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Just think about Countdown.

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At ease. Corporal, uh, Mac Kline Toch?

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- Yes, sir.
- General Randy Badger. Thanks for meeting me.
- It all right, I was told I had to, sir.

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That's what a good soldier does, follows orders. So where to?

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Eh, the Lanny's oot the front.

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- What?
- The Jeep's oot the front.

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- Come again?
- Eh...the car...

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is...is parked oot... the front.

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Yes, of course. I'm not used to the accent, although interestingly

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my father's father on his side was Scotch, from uh, Ardrossan?

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Right, oh, I've never been, sir.

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Hell, neither have I.

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Never been to Scotland. Love the old Scotch, though.

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What? Old Scottish people?

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The drink, Corporal!

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Oh, right. I like the old Baileys.

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My wife Betty, she loves Baileys!

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Betty Badger? Mrs Badger. Yes, sir. Right.

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There are loads of different cultures in the world.

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And a lot of them are rubbish, like wi' funny food and silly clothes and that.

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But then, I think that's what culture is, eh?

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Like being different.

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And in the army, it's...

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It's definitely taught me that when you're in another country

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and it's a different culture,

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it's really, really important that you learn to put up with it.

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No matter how stupid it seems.

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So, you're back home, soldier.

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- Do you miss the heat?
- Yes, General.

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- Good man.
- It's freezing here!

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Soldier, I'm talking about the heat of combat, the zone, Basra Bing!

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Flapjack Falluja! Rat-a-tat-tat! There's a man on your back!

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Hell, yes, God, sir.

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Do you trust me, soldier?

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- Yes, General. 
- Good, cos it's all about trust.

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Because you, Corporal, are an integral component to the success of my mission.

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- What, what's your mission, sir? 
- Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning.

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- That sounds brilliant! 
- It does, doesn't it?

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I'm going to be examining what you boys do when you're stationed at home, and not in the heat.

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Oh right, aye, when we're at home, in the house, and it's cold.

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Aye, I ken what you mean.

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What's that?

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- You ken? What's that word? 
- Sorry, General, that's like a Scottish word.

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It means, um, tae like, eh, ken. Like, tae ken...

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Explain yourself, soldier.

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Erm... To know someone or something.

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OK. So, to ken is to know?

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Aye, like tae ken someone is to know them...

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- Do you ken him?
- Who, General?

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No, no, I mean is that right? As in, you can ken someone?

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Aye, that's right.

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Aye is yes,

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I ken that.

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Correct, General.

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This is good, it's important to be able to communicate with the locals.

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So, do you ken him,

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then, I do ken him?

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Yeah, that's right. Well, it depends if you do ken him.

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If you dinny ken him, then you'd say, "I dinny ken him."

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- I dinny kenny?
- I dinny ken, General.

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- You might or you might no'.
- OK.

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So I ken him, I dinny ken him.

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I'd like to ken him.

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Or her. Can you say that for a lady?

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Aye, I think so, aye. You could try, General.

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You never know, I might just do that.

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- Thank you, Corporal. 
- Sir.
- General Badger?

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General Randy Badger. Pleasure.

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Captain Sabastian Fanshaw. This is Sergeant, er...

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- I trust you found the barracks OK? 
- One of your soldiers drove me.

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- He seemed to find it without too much of a problem.
- No.

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Of course. Silly me. Well, we're very excited to assist with your...

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Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning.

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Quite. Well, best of erm...luck.

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No need for luck, Captain. I'm here to keep up the American military's 100% record for successful missions!

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100 per, eh...

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Unfortunately, I, need to be in my office, but do give us a...

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- you know, later. I'll leave you in the capable hands of Sergeant, um... 
- Sure thing, Captain.

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- Sergeant.
- Sir. Erm, shall we?

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Quite a set up here. Like it!

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Traditional, very traditional.

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Yes, sir, General. British Army budgets tend to specialise in traditional.

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I've heard. Still, a workman and his tools...

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Absolutely, General.

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- When it comes to tools, we're not short of them here!
- That's good to hear, Sergeant. Good to hear.

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- A' right.
- ALL: Aye.

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So, how's Stormin' Norman?

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- The General? He's a' right. 
- General what?

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Motors!

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Gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt your midday dining.

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At ease, men.

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I'm General Randy Badger.

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HE SPLUTTERS

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Sorry. Hot. Sorry, sir.

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Not a problem, soldier. Looks like good hearty fare.

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- What is it?
- Badgers 'n' mash.

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Speak up, lads, the General asked you a question.

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Bangers and mash.

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It's good. It's hot.

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Good work, men. Enjoy your chow.

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Right.

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McLintoch. My office after lunch.

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1400 sharp. Don't rush your brandy.

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Sarge. Sorry tae badger you, but...

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THEY SNICKER

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Don't.

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INAUDIBLE

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THEY SNICKER

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We've talked about religion quite a bit in the tank. Erm...

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And some of the boys don't think it exists.

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But...each to their own.

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But see, right,

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what annoys me, right, is that ye cannae laugh at other people's religion.

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You know that way like, if everyone laughed at everyone's religion, like doon the pub, then it'd be fine.

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But some folk take it like, ken, really seriously,

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like it's aw a matter of life and death, an'...

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Just chill-ax!

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Take a chill pill,

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said Gary unto the people.

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I'm well aware that the General has a more unfortunate name than my Aunt Fanny and Uncle Arsehole.

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- But the joke stops now, do you understand?
- Aye.

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OK. He's only here for a couple of days, so your job is simple.

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- Oh, good.
- Keep him sweet and say the right things,

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and we'll all be happier than when my brother found out he wasn't the real dad. Are you still here?

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Naw.

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- First up, Corporal, we'll need the Jeep.
- To show you round the barracks?

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Barracks? Hell, no. Ardrossan, that's where we're heading.

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- But Sergeant Thomson said... 
- Look into my eyes, soldier!

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I'm General Randy Badger, do you know what that means?

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- Erm...
- It means you are driving me to Ardrossan.

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I'm instigating Operation Feel My Forefathers!

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Hell, yeah. I'm getting back to my roots.

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I'm going to visit the place of my ancestors, the MacBadgers.

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The MacBadgers?!

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The MacBadgers. C'mon, Corporal, on the double, Armageddon, Arma-drossan!

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So, General, what does Operation Feel Your Forefathers consist of?

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Well, Corporal, I went to Ellis Island

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and I traced my great grandfather's grandfathers on my father's side entering into New York in 1913.

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Now, his name was Billy Badger.

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Billy Badger?

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The records show he was from Ardrossan, but changed his name when he came to the States.

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Now, from what, we're not 100% sure.

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But a lot of Scots anglicised their names.

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I'm guessing his name was Billy MACBadger.

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I just want to go there, you know, smell it, to feel...

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- Your forefathers?
- You gotcha!

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Hell, I can feel it.

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Can you feel it?

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A wee bit.

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This is it.

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I'm home.

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I, er...

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- I think I want to be alone for a while.
- D'you want me to get oot?

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No, no, no, no. I just wanna walk around for a while, you know.

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Soak it up,

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breathe it in,

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stand in the still air.

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Well, if you've got any problems,

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you've got my mobile number.

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You're a good man, Corporal.

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MOBILE RINGTONE

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Hello, Burger King.

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No, Jacko, it's me.

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I'm in Ardrossan.

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Well, it's no ma fault the General's wanting to trace his family history back to the MacBadgers. Seriously.

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Right, well just tell Thomson that I've taken him to a memorial or the shops, or something.

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CRACKLING

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A' right, I'll see you later.

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Listen, I suppose there are like historical links

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between America and Scotland, cos back in the day, a lot of Scottish people

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went on holiday to America cos there was no, erm, potatoes.

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An' then they stayed there cos it a better way of life, cos you got a slave.

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I'm no sayin' that's right, like now, but back then,

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havin' your own slave, it would have been quite good, eh?

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But ye cannae say it wouldnae, cos it would. Like, getting them to dae stuff for ya.

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Like, "Hey, you, make me a cup of tea, please."

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Or, "Pass me the remote."

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Or "Do you wanna go tae the cinema?"

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Like, that would have been good.

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Corporal! C'mon! C'mon!

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That was quick.

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Did you, eh, manage to feel your forefathers?

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More than I could have imagined.

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I just walked,

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took it in.

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I know it sounds strange but...

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I felt my forefathers.

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For a moment there,

191
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I really felt

192
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I was a MacBadger.

193
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Well, that's good, then.

194
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Sir, are you all right?

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It's just being here.

196
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It feels like home.

197
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It's beautiful! Oh, jeez, man!

198
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,320
We're the same, Corporal.

199
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I'm the same as you.

200
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I'm Scotch. MacBadgers!

201
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MacBadgers!

202
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Argh!

203
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HE SOBS

204
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Aye, but he made me drive him to Ardrossan.

205
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He thought it was beautiful. He's mental.

206
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,960
He's here on military business, not for geriatric day trips!

207
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,080
- But what was I supposed to dae? He's a General.
- Oh, is he?

208
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:13,040
- Here was me thinking he was an exchange student from Mozambique! 
- But you said, "Keep him sweet".

209
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I know exactly what I said! What I didn't say was take him for an ice cream at the seaside.

210
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- But that's basically what he wanted to dae.
- I don't care what he wanted to dae!

211
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:26,440
Right, sorry, Sarge. Just so I can ken, right -

212
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I've not to dae what he wants to dae, in case it upsets you,

213
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,840
but I've got to dae what he wants to dae, to keep him sweet?

214
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:40,480
No. You've to do what he wants, and what I want, and you've to keep him and me sweet, do you understand?

215
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,640
But, that's...

216
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- Right, OK.
- Good. So tonight, you and your merry monkeys will be taking the General on a night hike,

217
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getting him back nice and safely so he can meet with the Captain for a debrief tomorrow morning.

218
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,960
Now that's the orders, make sure it happens!

219
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See aboot the night hike, erm...

220
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- Tonight's no' great for me... 
- Get out.

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Right.

222
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,480
OK, so it's a 32-mile-hike, leaving in 15 minutes,

223
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with an ETA of 0600 hours at Strathkeld

224
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where the weather is currently a very pleasant 10 degrees.

225
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Enjoy, General.

226
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,840
Thank you, Sergeant. See you tomorrow. I'm looking forward to this.

227
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,080
Corporal, do you mind?

228
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,280
Certainly.

229
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OK.

230
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Here's the plan.

231
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Now, this walk in the dark, in the cold and the rain, that's all very well and good. But um,

232
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,160
Corporal, show me on the map where the downtown area is.

233
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,720
Erm... Well, the downtown area is here.

234
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,360
Thank you. And, um, what's this area here?

235
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That's the High Street.

236
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,400
High Street?

237
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,360
OK, I'm instigating Operation Hell Yeah.

238
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We'll leave, as the Corporal has outlined, in 15 minutes,

239
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:11,560
heading to this area here, where you'll take me to a bar that serves hard liquor.

240
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:15,480
- But, General... 
- Look into my eyes, soldier!

241
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,840
I'm General Randy Badger. Do you ken what that means?

242
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,560
- I do.
- It means I'm in charge, and I'm changing the mission.

243
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,200
Now we're going into town on Operation Hell Yeah.

244
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,760
You got a problem with that?

245
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:28,000
Yes, or ken?

246
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,920
- Ken?
- Good!

247
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,920
Now, scrape that shit off your faces and meet at the gate in 15 minutes

248
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:40,120
where a cab is waiting to take us to Pussyville.

249
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:44,520
- Understood?
- Loud and clear, General. 
- Give me a "Hoo, yeah!"
- Hoo yeah!

250
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,520
- He's pretty radge, eh?
- I told you.

251
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,160
- I like him.
- I'm no' sure aboot this. 
- Oh, he's the General.

252
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:06,720
We're just following orders. And, as a good soldier, I'm fully committed to Operation Hell Yeah.

253
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,560
Pussyville? Oi-oi!

254
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,800
- Oh, naw.
- What?
- Top Gun.

255
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,680
What the hell have you boys got on?

256
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:19,400
Is it Halloween? Where's your uniform, your pride?

257
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,840
General, don't get me wrong, I mean you look...

258
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:25,520
brilliant. But, eh, over here, it's civvies out of hours.

259
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,000
If you boys want to leave all the ladies to me, that's mighty kind.

260
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,360
Yes, General, just leave the mingers to us.

261
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,120
Mingers?

262
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:37,800
- Are they what I think they are? 
- Aye, probably.
- Definitely.

263
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:43,080
I think I'd prefer a minger myself. C'mon boys, let's go get some mingers! Gimme a, "Hell, yeah!"

264
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:46,600
- Hell, yeah!
- C'mon, say it like you got a pair, hoo yeah!

265
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,240
Hoo yeah!

266
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,160
Driver!

267
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,240
Next stop, Pussyville.

268
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,560
Oi-oi!

269
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,040
Town, please.

270
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:02,160
You join us at the International Slap Competition, and here we go,

271
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,160
the boys are off. Here we go, OK.

272
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,760
Here we go, it's an Ace, Jack.

273
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,360
One false move, one giant slap in the pus.

274
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,520
Here we go, c'mon boys! Oh!

275
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:20,440
- Aargh.
- On you go, wee man, put the cards back in. Go.

276
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,920
There's a seven, queen,

277
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,200
- six, queen.
- Snap!

278
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,800
- I mean, slap!
- Oh-ho! Of course

279
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,200
the rules state that you must say "slap" as opposed tae "snap",

280
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,760
which is the schoolboy version.

281
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,120
Jacko therefore has the opportunity to slap him right in the pus.

282
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,920
- Coming down fae China Town. 
- Comin' doon fae China Toon, ladies and gentlemen.

283
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,960
I dinnae ken what that means, but I ken he's getting slapped.

284
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:48,600
Feel the tension. I know this is gonna hurt.

285
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,120
Oh!

286
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:58,040
Slapped right in the pus, we've got a a rightful winner, Jacko!

287
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,280
Hell, this place is deader than Saddam Hussein.

288
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,480
Looks like it's up to us boys to get the party started! Hoo yeah!

289
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,480
- He's keen.
- Aye, he's American.

290
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,080
He is, eh? I love it, man! Hoo ya!

291
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,960
Hiya, buddy.

292
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,800
Barman, stack 'em up - five beers, five shots.

293
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,720
Can I get something blue and a Baileys?

294
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:26,560
You got it, four beers, four shots, something...blue and a Baileys!

295
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,160
Cheers, boys!

296
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,520
Here's to good health and the fall of Al Qaeda!

297
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,560
Kiss my ass! Hell, yeah!

298
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,080
Slange.

299
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,080
Four more shots and a...

300
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,880
blue Baileys.

301
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,840
We're in the Army!

302
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,360
Hell, yeah!

303
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:52,400
So, General, what exactly does Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning entail?

304
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:57,640
It entails you drinking your drink, son, and not boring the ass off of people!

305
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,040
Idiot.

306
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,960
Boys, I want to say something.

307
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,920
- Where can a man see some titties round here?
- It's a Tuesday night, General.

308
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:10,320
Where I come from, Titty Bar Tuesday is the most popular day of week! Come on, boys...

309
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,480
Titties! Where them Titties at?

310
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,160
- Fantasy Dancer?
- Shut doon.

311
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,800
The other wan doon the road? Loads of Polish girls.

312
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,400
Were they "Pole" dancers?

313
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,760
- Do you get it?
- Yeah!

314
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,080
Pole. Pole dancers, ha-ha-ha-ha.

315
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,840
You're a funny guy, soldier. Your first dance is on me.

316
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,240
- Thanks very much.
- Geez-A-Peak.

317
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,320
That's open, the women are pretty rank but it's cheap.

318
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:42,120
Geez-A-Peak? Sounds like a good club. And the women are ranked?

319
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,920
Hell, that makes it so much easier. C'mon, boys.

320
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:46,960
Down the hatch.

321
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,720
- Hell, yeah!
- Yee-ha!

322
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,600
We are for it if Thomson finds oot.

323
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,240
Look, the bottom line is, right, we were told to keep the General happy,

324
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,720
and that's basically what we're doin'.

325
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:17,160
- Aye, basically.
- Ah, relax, it's fine, we're on a manoeuvre.

326
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,960
She is anyway, eh?

327
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,440
Hiya.

328
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:30,280
Who knows what's going tae happen to Iraq? I mean,

329
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,880
it might turn into the new Ibiza.

330
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,520
You know, maybe next year folk will ask ye,

331
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:38,000
"Where are you goin' on yer hoalidays?"

332
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:43,920
And you'll be like, "Oh, I'm off to Basra, all inclusive, 637 quid, and that's premium drinks included."

333
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:47,360
And, you know, a lot of folk will say, "Oh, that'll never happen."

334
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,440
Or, "Look at all the violence, look at how run down it is,

335
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:54,120
"there's no industry, there's nothing to dae, the hotels are rubbish."

336
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:55,880
But I mean, look at Blackpool!

337
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,400
Anythin' can happen.

338
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,640
This music here's brilliant like.

339
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:23,920
D'ye dae food?

340
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:26,360
Do you speak, aye.

341
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,240
Nice to meet you. Call me Captain Pizzazz.

342
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,680
I take it you must be self-employed then, eh?

343
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:37,240
Do you dae the tax yoursel'? It's tricky, eh? My cousin's an accountant.

344
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,560
20 quid? Call it 15 and you can take ma clothes aff.

345
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:44,880
SCREAMING

346
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:50,520
I have diplomatic immunity. My hands can go where they want.

347
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:51,760
Americans!

348
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,320
D'you ken who I am, son?

349
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:54,920
I'm General Randy Badger!

350
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:59,760
- Sounds aboot right, but there's nae touching, you're oot. 
- Don't you push me.
- Time to go.

351
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:05,520
Och, well, eh, that's ma pal getting chucked oot, so, eh, I better head.

352
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:11,640
But listen, it's been really good meetin' you, so, thanks for that. See ya later!

353
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,360
- You're barred. 
- I don't even know what you're saying!

354
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:21,520
You son of a...minger!

355
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,320
I'm a MacBadger!

356
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,560
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S...

357
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,080
Taxi!

358
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,760
The General just got in a taxi.

359
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,040
It's fine. He'll just head back.

360
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,240
- He'll be a' right, eh? 
- Aye, he's a General!

361
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,480
General Randy Bugger.

362
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:47,640
THEY LAUGH

363
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,080
Right, c'mon.

364
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,560
MOBILE RINGTONE

365
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,240
Hello, BT.

366
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,600
No, General, it's Gary.

367
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,320
Where are you?

368
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:16,840
Ardrossan?!

369
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,880
No, it's fine, I'll come and get ye.

370
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,040
BT? It's a telephone company.

371
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,640
It disnae matter, it was a joke.

372
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,440
Yes, like AT&T, uh-huh.

373
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:37,120
Right, OK. Right, I'll see you in a bit.

374
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:38,960
OK, bye.

375
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,160
Nightmare.

376
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:56,040
- I found him sleeping on a traffic island.
- Well, that's not too bad.

377
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,880
Naked. Apart from his jacket.

378
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,680
At least he didn't kill anyone.

379
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,040
Does he get deported?

380
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,360
Caution.

381
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:13,320
- Tell him to stay aff the Baileys. 
- It was me that was on the Baileys. I love it.

382
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:17,680
Hey! Corporal! Thanks for comin'.

383
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,840
Thank you, officer, this really is a decent correctional facility.

384
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,520
Thanks for having me.

385
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:28,720
OK, soldier... Whoa, I've got a meeting with the Captain shortly, I don't want to be late.

386
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,000
- So, what happened to your clothes? 
- I don't know. Hookers?

387
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:45,160
Last thing I remember, I got into a cab and asked him to come here, to come home.

388
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:49,320
Shit, soldier, do you have any idea how beautiful it was waking up here?

389
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,320
- No.
- Something I'll never forget.

390
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,280
Hey, check this out.

391
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,880
I don't remember getting it done,

392
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,920
but the guy who did it must have known a relative of mine.

393
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,040
- Tadger.
- Tadger MacBadger, eh?

394
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:04,960
So...

395
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,960
Hoo ya!

396
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,000
Hoo ya, indeed.

397
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,760
- Have you got another uniform?
- Yeah.

398
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:14,400
- I always bring a couple of spare, in case this happens.
- Oh right.

399
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,760
- Well, it has! 
- It sure has, hasn't it? Ha-ha-ha-ha.

400
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:27,240
Long, dark, green, with a handle and a trigger,

401
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:34,000
and a barrel, and a safety catch This isnae any old rifle.

402
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:38,720
This is a British Army SA80 assault rifle.

403
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:42,440
Mmm, lovely.

404
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:43,680
THEY LAUGH

405
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,320
- You're a fanny!
- What you ye talkin' aboot, that's funny!

406
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,160
Aye.

407
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:51,760
In Ardrossan.

408
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:57,520
He's got a tattoo on his chest with "Tadger MacBadger" on it. He loves it!

409
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,640
- Whit a radge.
- Aye. Proper.

410
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:03,520
- Was he charged?
- Naw. Caution, and he was disappointed wi' that!

411
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,000
Men.

412
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:07,280
Chef.

413
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,400
Boys, I came here to find my forefathers.

414
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,440
And we got em'.

415
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:19,360
On behalf of the United States military, and my family, thank you.

416
00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,480
Thanks, General.

417
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,280
- D'you want a lift to the airport? 
- No thanks, Corporal.

418
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,760
I've arranged for a lovely minger from Ardrossan to drive me.

419
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,440
Gentlemen.

420
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:33,000
- Sergeant.
- General, it's been an absolute privilege.

421
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:37,560
Operation Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning has been a success,

422
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:40,240
and your men have played a huge part of that.

423
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,760
Sergeant.

424
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:47,440
Well, well.

425
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:51,120
Operation Bullshit was a success, was it?

426
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:54,240
I've just come from talking to the Captain, and it would seem

427
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:58,000
the General's so impressed, he's suggested an exchange

428
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:02,440
- where you lads go over to California.
- Hoo yeah!

429
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,040
- Do you fancy that?
- Aye.

430
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,080
I'm no surprised, so would I.

431
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:11,840
But unfortunately, what with our "traditional budget", that's never going to happen.

432
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:17,080
Cheer up, lads, shit happens! Talking of which, I'm wanting you to clean the toilets.

433
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:21,080
So enjoy your chocolate pudding, and I'll see the four of you after lunch.

434
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:25,040
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm away for a big poo!

435
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,840
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

436
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:50,120
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk