1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,720
# We could've been anything that we wanted to be

2
00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:10,000
# With all the talent we had

3
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:14,440
# No doubt about it We whine and we pout it

4
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,640
# We're the very best at being bad guys

5
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,800
# We're rotten to the core

6
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:25,320
# And my congratulations no-one likes you any more

7
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,200
# Bad guys!

8
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:29,800
# We're the very worst

9
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,640
# Each of us contemptible We're criticised and cursed

10
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:38,960
# We made the big time Malicious and mad

11
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,000
# We're the very best at being bad. #

12
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,600
So, ladies, first checkpoint reached.

13
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,560
I bet you're very pleased with yourselves,

14
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,440
but you shouldn't be, you're idiots.

15
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,560
Thanks, Sarge.

16
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,920
You're welcome, so listen up!

17
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,880
The second phase of this exercise will test your ability as a unit

18
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,720
to adapt to sudden changes in operational strategy.

19
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,520
Like that time in Basrah when we ran out of diesel for the tank?

20
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,920
Oh, yes! The Four Donkeymen of Apocalypse Now.

21
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,040
HE MIMICS DONKEY

22
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,560
To be fair, Sarge, those donkeys got us back to base.

23
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:50,840
You're right, they did.

24
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,240
I don't know why we don't use donkeys more often.

25
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,360
Oh, hold on - we do!

26
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,160
Get your gear and get ready to move out.

27
00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,680
You'll receive co-ordinates for the next checkpoint shortly. Questions?

28
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,520
No, thanks.

29
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:16,080
I wonder if it was a pervert that invented binoculars?

30
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,720
Well, even if it wasnae, I bet they're glad.

31
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,480
It was a Dutch guy.

32
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:26,280
Johann Lipperhey. 1608.

33
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:30,920
No, no, I'm sorry, but how would you know that?

34
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,920
The 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' puggy at the NAAFI bar.

35
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,920
- But why would you remember that? 
- Cos it was for 20 quid!

36
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,840
I got it wrong, so I remember it in case it comes up again.

37
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,120
Och, well.

38
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,640
Fair do's Charlie, eh?

39
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,320
learning from your mistakes.

40
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,880
Imagine if everything you did was for 20 quid!

41
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,040
- You got any mare of them? 
- What binoculars?

42
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,080
Ha, ha, ha(!) Very funny, fat boy, geez wan.

43
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:02,120
- Hmm. It's good, likes. 
- My dad's special recipe,

44
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:07,640
dinnae tell anyone, right, but he uses sausage meat for the middle bit and pastry for the roll.

45
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,920
- They're nice, eh?
- Epic!

46
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:13,480
You know they might even be better than my mum's.

47
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,480
I've heard your mam's are pretty good, eh?

48
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,520
So's her sausage rolls! Oi, oi!

49
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,760
Aye. She has got big tits, my mum.

50
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,840
OK, masterminds,

51
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:32,240
20 quid you cannae name me seven football teams wi' body parts in their names?

52
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,040
Easy...

53
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,040
# Hearts, Hearts, glorious Hearts! #

54
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,400
Um...

55
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,520
- Arse-nal!
- Um...

56
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,120
Man-chest-er United.

57
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,000
- Um...
- Liver-pool. Ports-mouth.

58
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,360
Five, no bad.

59
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,240
Um, Stomach... em...

60
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,600
Brechin!

61
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,720
- Give you that.
- Brechin?

62
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,880
B-R-E-C-H-I-N - Brechin!

63
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,280
What's your "Brechin"?

64
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,000
C'mon. There's one more.

65
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,920
- No?
- No.

66
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,880
- Scunthorpe! 
- HE CACKLES

67
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:08,400
- THEY LAUGH 
- Scunthorpe...that's good.

68
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,440
Like your thorpe?

69
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,400
Other end!

70
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:17,000
Yer... Um... Yer scun...

71
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,400
Yer scunth? Your, eh... Your cunth?!

72
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,120
HE LAUGHS

73
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,840
That's it! Remember, when you slipped and fell on your cunth!

74
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,520
- Did I?
- Aye.
- I fell oan ma cunth?

75
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,240
THEY LAUGH

76
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,440
Oh, right!

77
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,720
Did I break it, can you break your cunth?

78
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:36,760
Did I, though?

79
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,400
RADIO: 'Come in, Alpha Zero Zero, over.'

80
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:40,560
Go ahead, over.

81
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:45,680
The greatest skill I've learnt in the army has to be...

82
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,520
getting things right.

83
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:51,240
I think the army makes ye get things right, cos if you don't...

84
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,120
they're no happy.

85
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:54,760
And I ken you might be thinkin',

86
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,960
"Oh, what aboot Iraq?" and that, but you see that's different

87
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,600
cos, see, we did what we were told and that was right.

88
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,600
You do what you're told in the army, see, right?

89
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:08,400
Whereas the government told the army whit tae dae.

90
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,960
So then if anyone was wrong, it was them,

91
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,880
but then the public voted-in the government...

92
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,880
so then they were wrong to do that, so...

93
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,720
actually, Iraq and that is the public's fault.

94
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,600
A lot of them won't admit it but it's true.

95
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,360
We're not lost, just gimme two seconds!

96
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,560
Right, that's us here.

97
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,920
- Where?
- Here.
- Here?

98
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,480
- There!
- Where?

99
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,360
# There on the stair right there! #

100
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,320
# A little mouse with clogs on!

101
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:46,760
# Well, I declare!

102
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,640
# Going clip-clippety-clop on the stair, oh, yeah! #

103
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:53,720
We need to flank north west...

104
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,840
RINGTONE: "Respectable" by Mel and Kim

105
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,240
..around from this point.

106
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,080
Hello, Childline.

107
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,680
No, Dad, it's me.

108
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:01,880
It's ma dad!

109
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,920
ALL: Hello, Mr McLintoch!

110
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,680
Aye, good.

111
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,800
He's asking are the sausage rolls good?

112
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,160
ALL: Oh, aye!

113
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,600
Shit! When did that happen?

114
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:14,960
His cooker's broken!

115
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,240
Aww!

116
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,280
But he's ok.

117
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,200
Wahey!

118
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,320
Right. But he's got to cook for the bowling club on Saturday!

119
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,760
Boo!

120
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,280
But he's found a cooker advertised in the paper!

121
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,000
Wahey!

122
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,280
Right. Glencaitland?

123
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:35,120
- Um....
- It's just over the hill.

124
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,720
Charlie's just saying it's nearby.

125
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,000
Aye. No, that's fine.

126
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,120
No, we'll just go and pick it up. Eh lads?

127
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,560
Wahey!

128
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,960
- What?
- We cannae.

129
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:51,280
Hold on. What do you mean we cannae? My dad's cooker just aboot blew up and it could've killed him,

130
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:55,360
but all he's concerned aboot is whether we enjoyed his sausage rolls or not.

131
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:59,640
I cannae tell him we're no gonnae get the cooker. Dad, Charlie wants to speak to you.

132
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,240
Hello?

133
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,880
Hi, Mr McLintoch, look...

134
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:11,360
Aye, the sausage rolls were...lovely, aye.

135
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,120
Right, look. Um...

136
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:20,280
Aye, my mum's fine. Aye, she really enjoyed that recipe.

137
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,600
Right, look, about your cooker...

138
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,480
Aye.

139
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,640
Aye, that's no bother. We'll pick it up, we've got the tank.

140
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,640
Right. I'll just pass you back to Gary.

141
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,480
See, Dad? No bother at all, we'll pick it up.

142
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:46,760
It'll take two minutes. All right, how much is it?

143
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,160
Oh, that's fine, that's fine.

144
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:54,320
All right, then. Just text us the address. All right. See you later!

145
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,960
- Right we are going to pick up a cooker for your dad 
- when we're on an exercise?

146
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:05,480
See this? See this, boys? This is what makes him a good soldier.

147
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,440
Cos he just got all that just from listening.

148
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,640
Aw, come on, boys! This is what it's all aboot, eh, you know?

149
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:18,480
Changes tae operational diversity, you know? Drills and skills.

150
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,400
And cookers!

151
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,960
MUSIC: "Better Off Alone" by Alice DeeJay

152
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,760
Here we go, "Glencaitland Farm, Glencaitland".

153
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,080
You cannae get mare simple than that, eh?

154
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,120
I don't think we should be daein' this.

155
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:59,760
Charlie, may I remind you, that you told my dad, with your own voice, that we would get that cooker.

156
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,960
- Aye, I know, but... 
- It's just a cooker.

157
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,880
No, it's no! He's had it for 20 years,

158
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:09,040
- and they've stopped making this model.
- Aye, cos it's old and it keeps breaking!

159
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:12,600
- Can he no just order a new one?
- Dae I need to learn sign language here?!

160
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:17,840
They've stopped making the model! He needs it ASAP cos he's cooking for the bowling club tomorrow.

161
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,000
I'm sure the bowling club could get someone else to cook...

162
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,440
This is like mutiny with a bounty, honestly!

163
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,800
One minute youse are singing the praises of my dad's sausage rolls,

164
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,080
the next minute you're saying you hate him!

165
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:34,800
- Gary, we're no, we're just... 
- Listen! This cooker, to my dad, is like...

166
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,880
it's like Adam, that Razzle you've got wi' your home eccy teacher in it.

167
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,720
Mrs Riley. Priceless.

168
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,720
- Or, Jacko, your replica Uzi. 
- It's no a replica.

169
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,920
Or, or, or, Charlie, your, um...

170
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,880
Have you got anything?

171
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,800
Chris Tarrant's autograph?

172
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,800
JACKO LAUGHS

173
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,040
The boy from Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?

174
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:02,920
- Is that why you always play that puggy?!
- Right, This is getting out of hand. All I'm trying to say

175
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:08,440
is that this cooker to ma dad is like your Razzle an' your Uzi

176
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:13,160
an' your Chris Tarrant's autograph...combined.

177
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:17,800
Right. Go on then, I'll do it... for Mrs Riley!

178
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,120
Thanks, Adam... Jacko?

179
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,800
I'll do it too...

180
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,800
For Mrs Riley, an' all!

181
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,520
It'll be tight, like.

182
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,160
Oh, and it's a 100 quid, and I've got a fiver so...

183
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,200
we'll need to split it.

184
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,880
There it is, Glencaitland Farm.

185
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:03,200
Right, here's the plan. One, Jacko an' me'll go get it,

186
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:07,360
Two, Adam, get ready for a sharp getaway. Three, we'll load it up.

187
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,920
Four, Charlie...dinnae.

188
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,640
Five, jobs a done one. Right?

189
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:13,960
Let's do it.

190
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:27,040
- What are they called?
- Dunno. 
- So, who do we ask for?

191
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,680
The cooker? Just say, "We're here for the cooker."

192
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,840
- You say it.
- You say it.
- You say it. 
- You say it.
- You say it.

193
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,200
Yes?

194
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,880
We're here for your cooker.

195
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,520
It's a beauty, eh?

196
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,720
It's mine.

197
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,160
One thing I was thinkin' aboot was, right, cos everyone was sayin',

198
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,200
"Oh, war's bad", and all the rest of it.

199
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,760
Well, why don't we just invite the terrorists over to the UK?

200
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,480
Like you know just to show them that it's no that bad.

201
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:10,440
I'd be up for that. I'd be up for showing a terrorist aboot an' that, eh?

202
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:16,120
Cos, like, I'd just take him oot and, you know, like, we could maybe go to the cinema, or...

203
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:21,480
go for a McDonalds, or a Pizza Hut, ken? I'd be like, "I'll pay for it, there's meal deals it's fine".

204
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,760
Honestly, I'd just be like that to him, ken,

205
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:28,200
"Just take that rucksack off, just chill oot for a bit, it absolutely fine."

206
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:31,560
And we could go for a drink, we could have a beer, I'd be just be like,

207
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:34,560
"Do you want a beer?" we'd get wrecked, talk shite for a bit.

208
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:38,000
Honestly, I tell ye, gie me a couple of weeks and they'd be like that,

209
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,960
"Oh, I cannae believe I wis intae that. I feel like a total mug". Ken that way?

210
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,560
But, I guarantee after a while, right, after he sees it's all right,

211
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:50,920
he'd get himsel' a two-bed in Dalgetty Bay and that'd be him settled.

212
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,000
Have you ever seen a tank before?

213
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:56,880
Not even during the war?

214
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,480
Och, well.

215
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,160
this is what they look like.

216
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:28,480
Mission Accomplished, eh?

217
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:29,840
Ma dad'll like that.

218
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,880
Aye, it looks all right. It's a bit old.

219
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,440
Aye. We should maybe test it, make sure it works?

220
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,200
No, we cannae, we don't have time.

221
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:41,320
Look, that took two minutes, d'you not fancy a wee warm sausage roll?

222
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,640
You're a genius! I'll run a lead off the tank!

223
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:45,720
Two minutes.

224
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,520
Aye, go on then. Stick one on for me.

225
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:54,920
Ah! Not in such a hurry now, are ye? Right. Let's get cooking!

226
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,120
Go on then, Gordon Ramsay!

227
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,560
Do you know what, right? I wouldnae eat anything cooked by him, do you want to know why?

228
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:06,000
His face looks like it's rotten. It does, eh?

229
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,320
Anyway, just give my dad a call,

230
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:14,080
let him know that Mission Glencaitland Cooker Freedom has been successfully completed.

231
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,400
Hiya, it's me. Aye, we got it.

232
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:24,280
No, it was no bother at all, we just stuck it on the back of the tank.

233
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,800
The ring is heating up as we speak.

234
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:28,960
Naw, electric.

235
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,240
Electric.

236
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,120
Naw, it's electric.

237
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,480
Electric.

238
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,320
Right.

239
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,360
Are you sure?

240
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,200
Aye, electric.

241
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,080
All right then, leave it wi' me.

242
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,320
Right, see ya later.

243
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,400
What's up?

244
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,280
It's the wrong one.

245
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,360
How?

246
00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,160
It's electric, his is gas.

247
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:04,000
- But this one works fine. 
- I can see that, but it's the wrong one, he doesnae want it.

248
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,960
How can it be the wrong the one, what did the woman say?

249
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,280
No much, she was too busy looking at the tank.

250
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,760
Ach well, least she got some money for it though, eh?

251
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,240
Oh, shit.

252
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,480
- Have you just stolen some old dear's cooker?
- We'll take it back, it'll take two minutes.

253
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,720
- Well, we're takin' it back now.
- No, wait.

254
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,000
The sausage rolls aren't ready.

255
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,480
OVEN TIMER PINGS

256
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:57,720
Basically, right? The government thinks that the best way to fight terrorism is to fight the terrorists,

257
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:02,120
which may seem, ken, like, sensible,

258
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,800
but it's no'.

259
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:07,960
It's a bit like thinkin' the best way no' to have weeds

260
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,600
is to use weed killer,

261
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:13,080
but any gardener will tell ye, that's rubbish.

262
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,720
The best way no' to have weeds,

263
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,320
is no' to have a garden!

264
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,480
Was she all right about it?

265
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,680
Well, ken what's funny is, first time she never said anything

266
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,960
cos she thought we were going to blow up the hoose wi' the tank!

267
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:33,280
How funny is that? She saw us an' the tank, put two and two together and came up wi' four.

268
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,840
- So where's the cooker? 
- Eh, she's got it?

269
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,280
No, the other one?

270
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,280
- Oh, aye, right. It's two minutes away!
- Naw.

271
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:44,200
Honestly, right, it is on Glencaitland Farm, you were right about that,

272
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,520
but it's a guy that rents the cottage, it's just over the hill.

273
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:48,560
We don't have time!

274
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,600
- RADIO:
- 'Alpha two zero zero, come in over.'

275
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,240
Go ahead, over.

276
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,200
'Current location, over.'

277
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,120
15 miles north of checkpoint B,

278
00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:00,080
on schedule for an ETA of around one hour, over.

279
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,400
'Ahead of schedule. Not bad, Donkeymen. Over.'

280
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,000
See? There's plenty of time, nothing to worry about. This'll take...

281
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,560
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

282
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,600
So, shall we go through the plan again?

283
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,480
No!

284
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:17,240
Oh, Jacko, I've no' seen that face since that moped went over your toe in Mosul!

285
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,360
HE LAUGHS

286
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:36,400
Right, YOU speak. Ask if there's a gas cooker for sale.

287
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,440
We check it, we get out of here. Right, calm doon.

288
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,320
Two minutes. It'll be fine.

289
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:48,720
Can I help youse?

290
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:53,320
Um... We're here about the ad in the paper.

291
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,800
- I'm no' intae guys.
- Naw, the cooker?

292
00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:00,600
Oh, right, aye! I was expecting youse earlier.

293
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,880
Come on in, lads.

294
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,240
Drink?

295
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:10,760
No, thanks.

296
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,480
I'm awright. Ta.

297
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,040
Settle doon, lads!

298
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,680
Take a seat.

299
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,160
I'm ex-forces myself.

300
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,760
Aye?

301
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:29,400
Look at youse! What's the matter? Is it the dress?

302
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,960
Naw, it suits you...

303
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,720
eh, Jacko?

304
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,360
Eh...

305
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,880
..aye.

306
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,880
It's just whit I dae, eh?

307
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,320
Army didnae like it though.

308
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,480
Got caught in the female mess, trying on their gear, had tae leave.

309
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,360
Youse'll understand that, eh?

310
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,480
Aye, kind of. Um...

311
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:51,760
But oot here,

312
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,800
nae one sees me, eh?

313
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,640
Just me an' ma dress.

314
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,040
Since ma wife died, like.

315
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:01,840
Aye, eh, that's a shame but, eh, I was wondering if...

316
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:02,880
I miss her.

317
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,240
Ken? I really miss her.

318
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,160
I just wish she was here.

319
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,520
She was bonnie, like. I've got a photie.

320
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:22,360
Aye, well, she's certainly... got a face on her, eh?

321
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:23,560
No wonder you miss her.

322
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,480
You married?

323
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,200
Naw.

324
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,040
You should be. You should be. Best thing in the world being married.

325
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,280
- You?
- No.

326
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:39,680
Would it be possible to see the cooker?

327
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,520
Mandy. "Big Mandy" I used to call her.

328
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,080
My Big Mandy.

329
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,960
She loved that cooker. She used to cook me stuff on it, you know?

330
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,960
- Anything nice?
- Beans.

331
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,880
She knew how to cook beans, all right.

332
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:55,920
I loved her.

333
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,640
An' she loved me, she wisnae bothered about me wearing a dress!

334
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,000
She used to wear jeans, eh?

335
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,600
What's the problem? Jeans, dresses - same thing, eh?!

336
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,560
- Listen, eh...
- Graham.

337
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:12,320
Graham, we're really sorry about your wife, like,

338
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:16,400
but we're on an exercise, so...could we?

339
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:21,800
Aye, course, sorry lads, ken? Dinnae mind me, eh?

340
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,680
I was in the SAS likes, eh?

341
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:25,720
Aye.

342
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,280
Aye! How was I no'?

343
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:32,600
I never said you weren't.

344
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,960
Aye you did.

345
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,000
Wi' your eyes!

346
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,080
What?

347
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:41,080
You think you've seen things, eh? I have seen things, I wis there.

348
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,400
Where?

349
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,000
Iraqi Embassy, 1983!

350
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:49,240
You talkin' aboot the Iranian Embassy, 1980?

351
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,800
Aye! I wis at that one an' all!

352
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,240
Right.

353
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,040
See this, I've earned this!

354
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:02,120
I've done my time, and I dinnae appreciate youse coming round ma house, sayin I'm some sorta weirdo!

355
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:09,520
Listen, Graham, there's nothing weird aboot you, you're just a man, in a dress, selling a cooker.

356
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,280
Talking of which...

357
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,440
Aye, of course.

358
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,920
Sorry, lads, eh, ken?

359
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,040
Nae harm meant.

360
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,800
Just a bit sensitive an' that, dress doesnae help.

361
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,960
Sorry, son. Sorry.

362
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:27,920
Nae bother.

363
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:32,160
I loved her, youse dinnae ken!

364
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,000
Youse arnae married. Youse couldnae ken!

365
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,080
THIS IS HER LIPSTICK!

366
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,520
MANDY!

367
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,000
# Oh, Mandy,

368
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:46,120
# How you came and you gave without taking. #

369
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,600
I miss you!

370
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,960
Hold me.

371
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:57,320
Jacko!

372
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,280
Whit? He fell.

373
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,160
- Is he deid?
- Um...

374
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,880
- Aye, he's out cold. Still breathin', but.

375
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:09,560
Hello!

376
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,920
This looks quite bad, eh? For youse coming in.

377
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,280
Aye, it does.

378
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,800
- Dinnae.
- What's there to say?

379
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,480
Youse do make quite a nice couple.

380
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,000
THEY SNIGGER

381
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:38,040
If I was gonna give any advice tae someone that was goin' into the army,

382
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:43,200
it would have to be... just enjoy yourself.

383
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,840
I mean it's no' all a bed of chocolates right?

384
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,760
But see if you like early starts,

385
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:54,160
getting shouted at, being shot at, fighting abroad, cleaning and ironing,

386
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,440
it really is the best job in the world.

387
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:08,880
Mandy?

388
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,080
Is that you?

389
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:20,800
Hiya, I'm rap star Snoop Gary, and welcome tae ma crib.

390
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:26,760
This is ma living room and ma bedroom that I share with four other guys...

391
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,080
the living room is pretty good, l-i-ike!

392
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:32,160
Why don't we say hiya to one o' ma homies, DJ Jacko.

393
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,800
He pulls some pretty radge sounds like.

394
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,880
And he's also quite moody which is reflected in his lyrics.

395
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,200
- Piss off!
- Aye, see what I mean?

396
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:44,520
And that's Charlie. So I've got tents like all over the world l-i-ike,

397
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:48,800
just depends on where I'm workin, eh? Just depends, l-i-ike!

398
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:55,160
Great work, lads, I must say, I couldnae have done this without youse!

399
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,640
- See you? 
- Oh, come along, Mr Huffy Puff.

400
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:58,760
Gimme a thumbs up!

401
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,280
Close.

402
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:05,520
- Shall we cover it?
- No, we'll just leave it here, there's not enough time is there, Charlie?

403
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:09,560
No, we'll get it on the way back. Just take a note of where we are.

404
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,240
Done it. Sorted. Let's go.

405
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:16,120
- RADIO:
- 'Alpha two zero zero, over.'

406
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,240
Go ahead alpha two zero zero, over.

407
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,720
'New checkpoint co-ordinates, over.'

408
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:24,080
Go ahead, over.

409
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:28,200
'04 06 942, over.'

410
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,120
- That's where we are.
- Are you sure?

411
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:37,120
Please repeat new co-ordinates. Eh, I had a thing in my ear, over.

412
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:43,400
'You tool. New checkpoint co-ordinates 04 06 942.

413
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,560
'Make your way there immediately, over.'

414
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,520
We certainly will, Sarge, over and out.

415
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:54,160
- How good is that?
- How lucky is that?

416
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,160
What are ye talkin' about, "lucky"?

417
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,520
Look at us, we're soldiers of fortune, we're a crack commando unit

418
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,120
that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we didnae commit.

419
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:06,400
I mean, Jacko, look at you. You look like BA Baracus,

420
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:11,400
and Adam, you are the Face Man, and Charlie, you are Amy.

421
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:18,920
And me? Well, let's just say, "I love it when a plan comes thegither".

422
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,360
Shit, it's Colonel Decker!

423
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:27,000
- Who? 
- From the A-Team, it disnae matter.

424
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,640
Well, well, lads, that was quick.

425
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,440
Aye, we got here as soon as we could.

426
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,480
You certainly did. And what's this?

427
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:46,160
- That is a cooker. 
- There's no getting past you, eh?

428
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,560
That looks like a cooker to me too.

429
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,760
Aye somebody must have left it...

430
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,160
probably junkies.

431
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,360
Probably junkies, eh?

432
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:58,560
My, my, what a strange thing to leave in the middle of a field, on MoD secure property.

433
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,360
These junkies get everywhere, eh?

434
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:06,760
Aye! They were probably so high that they didnae even realise that you cannae plug in a cooker in a field.

435
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:12,040
- Unless you've got a really long extension lead that they'd probably stole from someone or..
- Shut up!

436
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,360
Anyone got a better explanation for what this is doing here?

437
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:16,400
I thought as much.

438
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:20,440
So this cooker, appearing out of the blue,

439
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,080
well, it could be deemed to be a security threat.

440
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,480
Naw. It is just a cooker.

441
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:29,920
Come, come, Corporal, you know how sneaky Ally Al-Qaeda can be,

442
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,760
cookers, toasters, who knows how they'll strike next.

443
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:37,720
Well, lads, you know what to do. Secure the area.

444
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:39,520
Naw. We cannae blow it up!

445
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,720
I mean... What would we use?

446
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,440
I wonder...

447
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,200
- Target in range.
- Confirmed.

448
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,680
- Lock on target.
- Target locked.

449
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,480
- Prepare to fire.
- Ready.

450
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,360
Sorry, Dad.

451
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:00,400
Fire!

452
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,840
Well, all in all, boys no' a bad manoeuvre.

453
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:22,480
- I kinda enjoyed that. 
- Have you been asleep?

454
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,720
We've just killed my dad's cooker!

455
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:26,920
Nae respect.

456
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,320
How am I going tae tell him?

457
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,000
His own son.

458
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,200
RINGTONE : "Respectable" by Mel And Kim

459
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,160
Hello, Quickfit.

460
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,360
No, Dad, it's me.

461
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:55,600
Um... The cooker?

462
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,240
Charlie wants to speak to you.

463
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:05,920
Hi, Mr McLintoch.

464
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:08,560
Eh, the cooker?

465
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,920
Aye, aye, we got it...

466
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,320
but it blew up.

467
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,280
No, no, we're fine, we're fine.

468
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,640
Aye, you're right...

469
00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:23,160
it's one of these things, eh?

470
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,440
Haud on.

471
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,760
Aye, we are near Glendale!

472
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:47,960
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

473
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,000
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk