# We could've been anything that we wanted to be
# With all the talent we had
# No doubt about it We whine and we pout it
# We're the very best at being bad guys
# We're rotten to the core
# And my congratulations no-one likes you any more
# Bad guys!
# We're the very worst
# Each of us contemptible We're criticised and cursed
# We made the big time Malicious and mad
# We're the very best at being bad. #
So, ladies, first checkpoint reached.
I bet you're very pleased with yourselves,
but you shouldn't be, you're idiots.
Thanks, Sarge.
You're welcome, so listen up!
The second phase of this exercise will test your ability as a unit
to adapt to sudden changes in operational strategy.
Like that time in Basrah when we ran out of diesel for the tank?
Oh, yes! The Four Donkeymen of Apocalypse Now.
HE MIMICS DONKEY
To be fair, Sarge, those donkeys got us back to base.
You're right, they did.
I don't know why we don't use donkeys more often.
Oh, hold on - we do!
Get your gear and get ready to move out.
You'll receive co-ordinates for the next checkpoint shortly. Questions?
No, thanks.
I wonder if it was a pervert that invented binoculars?
Well, even if it wasnae, I bet they're glad.
It was a Dutch guy.
Johann Lipperhey. 1608.
No, no, I'm sorry, but how would you know that?
The 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' puggy at the NAAFI bar.
- But why would you remember that? - Cos it was for 20 quid!
I got it wrong, so I remember it in case it comes up again.
Och, well.
Fair do's Charlie, eh?
learning from your mistakes.
Imagine if everything you did was for 20 quid!
- You got any mare of them? - What binoculars?
Ha, ha, ha(!) Very funny, fat boy, geez wan.
- Hmm. It's good, likes. - My dad's special recipe,
dinnae tell anyone, right, but he uses sausage meat for the middle bit and pastry for the roll.
- They're nice, eh? - Epic!
You know they might even be better than my mum's.
I've heard your mam's are pretty good, eh?
So's her sausage rolls! Oi, oi!
Aye. She has got big tits, my mum.
OK, masterminds,
20 quid you cannae name me seven football teams wi' body parts in their names?
Easy...
# Hearts, Hearts, glorious Hearts! #
Um...
- Arse-nal! - Um...
Man-chest-er United.
- Um... - Liver-pool. Ports-mouth.
Five, no bad.
Um, Stomach... em...
Brechin!
- Give you that. - Brechin?
B-R-E-C-H-I-N - Brechin!
What's your "Brechin"?
C'mon. There's one more.
- No? - No.
- Scunthorpe! - HE CACKLES
- THEY LAUGH - Scunthorpe...that's good.
Like your thorpe?
Other end!
Yer... Um... Yer scun...
Yer scunth? Your, eh... Your cunth?!
HE LAUGHS
That's it! Remember, when you slipped and fell on your cunth!
- Did I? - Aye. - I fell oan ma cunth?
THEY LAUGH
Oh, right!
Did I break it, can you break your cunth?
Did I, though?
RADIO: 'Come in, Alpha Zero Zero, over.'
Go ahead, over.
The greatest skill I've learnt in the army has to be...
getting things right.
I think the army makes ye get things right, cos if you don't...
they're no happy.
And I ken you might be thinkin',
"Oh, what aboot Iraq?" and that, but you see that's different
cos, see, we did what we were told and that was right.
You do what you're told in the army, see, right?
Whereas the government told the army whit tae dae.
So then if anyone was wrong, it was them,
but then the public voted-in the government...
so then they were wrong to do that, so...
actually, Iraq and that is the public's fault.
A lot of them won't admit it but it's true.
We're not lost, just gimme two seconds!
Right, that's us here.
- Where? - Here. - Here?
- There! - Where?
# There on the stair right there! #
# A little mouse with clogs on!
# Well, I declare!
# Going clip-clippety-clop on the stair, oh, yeah! #
We need to flank north west...
RINGTONE: "Respectable" by Mel and Kim
..around from this point.
Hello, Childline.
No, Dad, it's me.
It's ma dad!
ALL: Hello, Mr McLintoch!
Aye, good.
He's asking are the sausage rolls good?
ALL: Oh, aye!
Shit! When did that happen?
His cooker's broken!
Aww!
But he's ok.
Wahey!
Right. But he's got to cook for the bowling club on Saturday!
Boo!
But he's found a cooker advertised in the paper!
Wahey!
Right. Glencaitland?
- Um.... - It's just over the hill.
Charlie's just saying it's nearby.
Aye. No, that's fine.
No, we'll just go and pick it up. Eh lads?
Wahey!
- What? - We cannae.
Hold on. What do you mean we cannae? My dad's cooker just aboot blew up and it could've killed him,
but all he's concerned aboot is whether we enjoyed his sausage rolls or not.
I cannae tell him we're no gonnae get the cooker. Dad, Charlie wants to speak to you.
Hello?
Hi, Mr McLintoch, look...
Aye, the sausage rolls were...lovely, aye.
Right, look. Um...
Aye, my mum's fine. Aye, she really enjoyed that recipe.
Right, look, about your cooker...
Aye.
Aye, that's no bother. We'll pick it up, we've got the tank.
Right. I'll just pass you back to Gary.
See, Dad? No bother at all, we'll pick it up.
It'll take two minutes. All right, how much is it?
Oh, that's fine, that's fine.
All right, then. Just text us the address. All right. See you later!
- Right we are going to pick up a cooker for your dad - when we're on an exercise?
See this? See this, boys? This is what makes him a good soldier.
Cos he just got all that just from listening.
Aw, come on, boys! This is what it's all aboot, eh, you know?
Changes tae operational diversity, you know? Drills and skills.
And cookers!
MUSIC: "Better Off Alone" by Alice DeeJay
Here we go, "Glencaitland Farm, Glencaitland".
You cannae get mare simple than that, eh?
I don't think we should be daein' this.
Charlie, may I remind you, that you told my dad, with your own voice, that we would get that cooker.
- Aye, I know, but... - It's just a cooker.
No, it's no! He's had it for 20 years,
- and they've stopped making this model. - Aye, cos it's old and it keeps breaking!
- Can he no just order a new one? - Dae I need to learn sign language here?!
They've stopped making the model! He needs it ASAP cos he's cooking for the bowling club tomorrow.
I'm sure the bowling club could get someone else to cook...
This is like mutiny with a bounty, honestly!
One minute youse are singing the praises of my dad's sausage rolls,
the next minute you're saying you hate him!
- Gary, we're no, we're just... - Listen! This cooker, to my dad, is like...
it's like Adam, that Razzle you've got wi' your home eccy teacher in it.
Mrs Riley. Priceless.
- Or, Jacko, your replica Uzi. - It's no a replica.
Or, or, or, Charlie, your, um...
Have you got anything?
Chris Tarrant's autograph?
JACKO LAUGHS
The boy from Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
- Is that why you always play that puggy?! - Right, This is getting out of hand. All I'm trying to say
is that this cooker to ma dad is like your Razzle an' your Uzi
an' your Chris Tarrant's autograph...combined.
Right. Go on then, I'll do it... for Mrs Riley!
Thanks, Adam... Jacko?
I'll do it too...
For Mrs Riley, an' all!
It'll be tight, like.
Oh, and it's a 100 quid, and I've got a fiver so...
we'll need to split it.
There it is, Glencaitland Farm.
Right, here's the plan. One, Jacko an' me'll go get it,
Two, Adam, get ready for a sharp getaway. Three, we'll load it up.
Four, Charlie...dinnae.
Five, jobs a done one. Right?
Let's do it.
- What are they called? - Dunno. - So, who do we ask for?
The cooker? Just say, "We're here for the cooker."
- You say it. - You say it. - You say it. - You say it. - You say it.
Yes?
We're here for your cooker.
It's a beauty, eh?
It's mine.
One thing I was thinkin' aboot was, right, cos everyone was sayin',
"Oh, war's bad", and all the rest of it.
Well, why don't we just invite the terrorists over to the UK?
Like you know just to show them that it's no that bad.
I'd be up for that. I'd be up for showing a terrorist aboot an' that, eh?
Cos, like, I'd just take him oot and, you know, like, we could maybe go to the cinema, or...
go for a McDonalds, or a Pizza Hut, ken? I'd be like, "I'll pay for it, there's meal deals it's fine".
Honestly, I'd just be like that to him, ken,
"Just take that rucksack off, just chill oot for a bit, it absolutely fine."
And we could go for a drink, we could have a beer, I'd be just be like,
"Do you want a beer?" we'd get wrecked, talk shite for a bit.
Honestly, I tell ye, gie me a couple of weeks and they'd be like that,
"Oh, I cannae believe I wis intae that. I feel like a total mug". Ken that way?
But, I guarantee after a while, right, after he sees it's all right,
he'd get himsel' a two-bed in Dalgetty Bay and that'd be him settled.
Have you ever seen a tank before?
Not even during the war?
Och, well.
this is what they look like.
Mission Accomplished, eh?
Ma dad'll like that.
Aye, it looks all right. It's a bit old.
Aye. We should maybe test it, make sure it works?
No, we cannae, we don't have time.
Look, that took two minutes, d'you not fancy a wee warm sausage roll?
You're a genius! I'll run a lead off the tank!
Two minutes.
Aye, go on then. Stick one on for me.
Ah! Not in such a hurry now, are ye? Right. Let's get cooking!
Go on then, Gordon Ramsay!
Do you know what, right? I wouldnae eat anything cooked by him, do you want to know why?
His face looks like it's rotten. It does, eh?
Anyway, just give my dad a call,
let him know that Mission Glencaitland Cooker Freedom has been successfully completed.
Hiya, it's me. Aye, we got it.
No, it was no bother at all, we just stuck it on the back of the tank.
The ring is heating up as we speak.
Naw, electric.
Electric.
Naw, it's electric.
Electric.
Right.
Are you sure?
Aye, electric.
All right then, leave it wi' me.
Right, see ya later.
What's up?
It's the wrong one.
How?
It's electric, his is gas.
- But this one works fine. - I can see that, but it's the wrong one, he doesnae want it.
How can it be the wrong the one, what did the woman say?
No much, she was too busy looking at the tank.
Ach well, least she got some money for it though, eh?
Oh, shit.
- Have you just stolen some old dear's cooker? - We'll take it back, it'll take two minutes.
- Well, we're takin' it back now. - No, wait.
The sausage rolls aren't ready.
OVEN TIMER PINGS
Basically, right? The government thinks that the best way to fight terrorism is to fight the terrorists,
which may seem, ken, like, sensible,
but it's no'.
It's a bit like thinkin' the best way no' to have weeds
is to use weed killer,
but any gardener will tell ye, that's rubbish.
The best way no' to have weeds,
is no' to have a garden!
Was she all right about it?
Well, ken what's funny is, first time she never said anything
cos she thought we were going to blow up the hoose wi' the tank!
How funny is that? She saw us an' the tank, put two and two together and came up wi' four.
- So where's the cooker? - Eh, she's got it?
No, the other one?
- Oh, aye, right. It's two minutes away! - Naw.
Honestly, right, it is on Glencaitland Farm, you were right about that,
but it's a guy that rents the cottage, it's just over the hill.
We don't have time!
- RADIO: - 'Alpha two zero zero, come in over.'
Go ahead, over.
'Current location, over.'
15 miles north of checkpoint B,
on schedule for an ETA of around one hour, over.
'Ahead of schedule. Not bad, Donkeymen. Over.'
See? There's plenty of time, nothing to worry about. This'll take...
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
So, shall we go through the plan again?
No!
Oh, Jacko, I've no' seen that face since that moped went over your toe in Mosul!
HE LAUGHS
Right, YOU speak. Ask if there's a gas cooker for sale.
We check it, we get out of here. Right, calm doon.
Two minutes. It'll be fine.
Can I help youse?
Um... We're here about the ad in the paper.
- I'm no' intae guys. - Naw, the cooker?
Oh, right, aye! I was expecting youse earlier.
Come on in, lads.
Drink?
No, thanks.
I'm awright. Ta.
Settle doon, lads!
Take a seat.
I'm ex-forces myself.
Aye?
Look at youse! What's the matter? Is it the dress?
Naw, it suits you...
eh, Jacko?
Eh...
..aye.
It's just whit I dae, eh?
Army didnae like it though.
Got caught in the female mess, trying on their gear, had tae leave.
Youse'll understand that, eh?
Aye, kind of. Um...
But oot here,
nae one sees me, eh?
Just me an' ma dress.
Since ma wife died, like.
Aye, eh, that's a shame but, eh, I was wondering if...
I miss her.
Ken? I really miss her.
I just wish she was here.
She was bonnie, like. I've got a photie.
Aye, well, she's certainly... got a face on her, eh?
No wonder you miss her.
You married?
Naw.
You should be. You should be. Best thing in the world being married.
- You? - No.
Would it be possible to see the cooker?
Mandy. "Big Mandy" I used to call her.
My Big Mandy.
She loved that cooker. She used to cook me stuff on it, you know?
- Anything nice? - Beans.
She knew how to cook beans, all right.
I loved her.
An' she loved me, she wisnae bothered about me wearing a dress!
She used to wear jeans, eh?
What's the problem? Jeans, dresses - same thing, eh?!
- Listen, eh... - Graham.
Graham, we're really sorry about your wife, like,
but we're on an exercise, so...could we?
Aye, course, sorry lads, ken? Dinnae mind me, eh?
I was in the SAS likes, eh?
Aye.
Aye! How was I no'?
I never said you weren't.
Aye you did.
Wi' your eyes!
What?
You think you've seen things, eh? I have seen things, I wis there.
Where?
Iraqi Embassy, 1983!
You talkin' aboot the Iranian Embassy, 1980?
Aye! I wis at that one an' all!
Right.
See this, I've earned this!
I've done my time, and I dinnae appreciate youse coming round ma house, sayin I'm some sorta weirdo!
Listen, Graham, there's nothing weird aboot you, you're just a man, in a dress, selling a cooker.
Talking of which...
Aye, of course.
Sorry, lads, eh, ken?
Nae harm meant.
Just a bit sensitive an' that, dress doesnae help.
Sorry, son. Sorry.
Nae bother.
I loved her, youse dinnae ken!
Youse arnae married. Youse couldnae ken!
THIS IS HER LIPSTICK!
MANDY!
# Oh, Mandy,
# How you came and you gave without taking. #
I miss you!
Hold me.
Jacko!
Whit? He fell.
- Is he deid? - Um...
- Aye, he's out cold. Still breathin', but.
Hello!
This looks quite bad, eh? For youse coming in.
Aye, it does.
- Dinnae. - What's there to say?
Youse do make quite a nice couple.
THEY SNIGGER
If I was gonna give any advice tae someone that was goin' into the army,
it would have to be... just enjoy yourself.
I mean it's no' all a bed of chocolates right?
But see if you like early starts,
getting shouted at, being shot at, fighting abroad, cleaning and ironing,
it really is the best job in the world.
Mandy?
Is that you?
Hiya, I'm rap star Snoop Gary, and welcome tae ma crib.
This is ma living room and ma bedroom that I share with four other guys...
the living room is pretty good, l-i-ike!
Why don't we say hiya to one o' ma homies, DJ Jacko.
He pulls some pretty radge sounds like.
And he's also quite moody which is reflected in his lyrics.
- Piss off! - Aye, see what I mean?
And that's Charlie. So I've got tents like all over the world l-i-ike,
just depends on where I'm workin, eh? Just depends, l-i-ike!
Great work, lads, I must say, I couldnae have done this without youse!
- See you? - Oh, come along, Mr Huffy Puff.
Gimme a thumbs up!
Close.
- Shall we cover it? - No, we'll just leave it here, there's not enough time is there, Charlie?
No, we'll get it on the way back. Just take a note of where we are.
Done it. Sorted. Let's go.
- RADIO: - 'Alpha two zero zero, over.'
Go ahead alpha two zero zero, over.
'New checkpoint co-ordinates, over.'
Go ahead, over.
'04 06 942, over.'
- That's where we are. - Are you sure?
Please repeat new co-ordinates. Eh, I had a thing in my ear, over.
'You tool. New checkpoint co-ordinates 04 06 942.
'Make your way there immediately, over.'
We certainly will, Sarge, over and out.
- How good is that? - How lucky is that?
What are ye talkin' about, "lucky"?
Look at us, we're soldiers of fortune, we're a crack commando unit
that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we didnae commit.
I mean, Jacko, look at you. You look like BA Baracus,
and Adam, you are the Face Man, and Charlie, you are Amy.
And me? Well, let's just say, "I love it when a plan comes thegither".
Shit, it's Colonel Decker!
- Who? - From the A-Team, it disnae matter.
Well, well, lads, that was quick.
Aye, we got here as soon as we could.
You certainly did. And what's this?
- That is a cooker. - There's no getting past you, eh?
That looks like a cooker to me too.
Aye somebody must have left it...
probably junkies.
Probably junkies, eh?
My, my, what a strange thing to leave in the middle of a field, on MoD secure property.
These junkies get everywhere, eh?
Aye! They were probably so high that they didnae even realise that you cannae plug in a cooker in a field.
- Unless you've got a really long extension lead that they'd probably stole from someone or.. - Shut up!
Anyone got a better explanation for what this is doing here?
I thought as much.
So this cooker, appearing out of the blue,
well, it could be deemed to be a security threat.
Naw. It is just a cooker.
Come, come, Corporal, you know how sneaky Ally Al-Qaeda can be,
cookers, toasters, who knows how they'll strike next.
Well, lads, you know what to do. Secure the area.
Naw. We cannae blow it up!
I mean... What would we use?
I wonder...
- Target in range. - Confirmed.
- Lock on target. - Target locked.
- Prepare to fire. - Ready.
Sorry, Dad.
Fire!
Well, all in all, boys no' a bad manoeuvre.
- I kinda enjoyed that. - Have you been asleep?
We've just killed my dad's cooker!
Nae respect.
How am I going tae tell him?
His own son.
RINGTONE : "Respectable" by Mel And Kim
Hello, Quickfit.
No, Dad, it's me.
Um... The cooker?
Charlie wants to speak to you.
Hi, Mr McLintoch.
Eh, the cooker?
Aye, aye, we got it...
but it blew up.
No, no, we're fine, we're fine.
Aye, you're right...
it's one of these things, eh?
Haud on.
Aye, we are near Glendale!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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